Still No Loss

MUTHA FUCKER! Still no loss to report. I even went to the fucking pharmacy and got a pregnancy test, because I'm so effing paranoid about this non-loss situation. Nothing... i.e. I'm not pregnant, so it literally just is that my body is being an asshole. I've decided to stop eating carbs. It's going to be hard, but I can do it. Fun. ANYWAY, so hopefully I'll have some good news tomorrow, although knowing this bodyv - probably not. It feels like I'm fighting with my body, will it be my metabolism or my willpower that gives in first? 

Today I've had sushi (220), coffee and tea (including starbucks (200)), blueberries (130) and vegan sausages (260) - total for today is 820. Meh. Let's see tomorrow. I just want to get sub 65.0. Maybe tomorrow is the day. 

*fingers crossed*

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Update: Better & Worse

Just I suppose an awful/awesome update about my day based on the advice given. Firstly my intake. I had a couple of bites of pizza earlier... basically I just had the crust... which was stuffed (guessing about 150 cals), then I had 1l of sugar free energy drink (30), a sub (495) - then like the guilted Biggest Loser watcher that I am, I went for a run (134 cals according to the map my run) and then despite my best efforts, I went and had fried rice with peas (220) - in the high 700s for the day. Yay me, not yay me. I really didn't want to have the rice and then I kinda thought that because I had gone for the run it would be okay. 

David is starting to get into the depths of my eating disorder... he just tells me that I'm thin and beautiful. Obviously, he doesn't understand and I refuse to hide it from him. Yesterday, basically what happened was that we went to a BBQ and I didn't eat too much, but then we had pizza for dinner and when it rains, it pours. I had the whole pizza except for the tiny bit that I had this morning. In response to me whining about my guilt over the pizza, he told me I had had a tiny lunch and so I shouldn't worry about it. And that I am beautiful and thin. He seems to forget that I had loads of doritos, two slice of bread, salad dressing AND a couple of sweets and two bites of his chocolate on the way there. So actually no, David, no. I was fine before the pizza. Of course it had to be a stuffed crust. 

ANYWAY. The other thing that happened today is that I found a lump in my breast. Just. Fucking. Awesome. 

Love & Lumps

Xo Xo

HELP! I Need Some Advice...

My beautiful Piglets, I need some advice please. I've never had a problem with losing weight, for reals. If I restricted enough, the weight would fall off... I mean. Okay, if I maintained a calorie intake of less than 1000, it would come off, sometimes faster than others. But at the moment, I'm not losing at all. I've hovered around 65.0 - 65.3 for two weeks. And granted there have been a couple of binges in between - but this week after 7 successive days of restricting, not a single ounce has come off. I haven't been unrealistic about what I've been eating - my intakes have been accurate and probably over-estimated. 

QUESTION: What the fuck should I do to try and get my metabolism going again? 

These are some of the things that I've considered:

• Go for a short run to get my metabolism into gear and try burn a few more calories (I hate exercise, this would probably be my absolute last resort)
• Juice fast for a few days (I also hate doing this)
• Intermittent fasting, i.e. fast one day, eat the next
• Give up carbs altogether (this is a bit hard being vegan, carbs are pretty much all I've got)
• Fruit fast (I may try this tbh)
• Liquid diet - soup, juice, coke
• Keep restricting and vary my intake by 300 each day (900; 600; 300; 900; 600; 300)

I have never had this problem before, I've never not been able to lose weight by restricting only. If something has worked for you please share. If something else hasn't please share. 

HELP GUYS I AM LOST, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Weekends Are For Binging

I ended up having a few whiskeys last night after I blogged... and then Roy phoned me for two hours. *sigh* I still sometimes wish he'd want me back... We spoke about David and how things are with him - he seems to think that I'm broken and defensive, because I like to have my own space and don't want to be around David all the time. I kinda see it as being independent and liking my own space... HOWEVER, if that is true - MOTHER FUCKER why do you THINK I'm broken? Doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you completely fucked me up, does it!? Anyway, so I have been a bit tender today. I did lose just over 1lb this morning, I was on 65.0kg flat. Which is good. I mean. Good :)

Today, I'm disappointed and pleased with myself at the same time. I am hungover, so fucking hungover... actually no, I'm a little bit hungover and very tired, and also really demotivated. AND it's Friday and for me - weekends are for binging. Because at home a lot more, I just eat from the time I finish work till Sunday evening. It's a really bad habit that I am trying desperately to break. AND I'm hungover and tired. You know what happens when you're fucked - you EAT and you're like 'fuck my motivation, fuck this, fuck that, FUCK EVERYTHING!' Anyway, so it hasn't been going the best - I've had a bunch of tea, some doritos, two sugar free energy drinks and cereal (400), then I had dumplings when I got home with hoison sauce and two cracker breads, so 650. So total for today is 1050. Not great, but considering that I was really fucked today. It is okay. I'll be fine and hopefully I won't gain tomorrow. As long as I stay the same tomorrow, I'll be happy as a clam. 

Only two days till payday - THANK. God. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Whenever I'm Restricting Properly, I Have To Remember

That my mood goes to shit. I'm moody and emotional. I'm lacking motivation and everything is taken personally, as if it is a directed attack on me and how vastly inadequate I am as a person. Sure, I'd be happier if I just ate. I'd rather be skinny and miserable, than fat and happy. For fuck sakes Piggy, do you hear yourself? What the fuck is wrong with you!? It's just the way it has to be. 

Today, I'm a bit pissed off - I took laxies last night and spent three hours in absolute agony only to wake up this morning not having lost an ounce. Surely, my stomach looks flatter - but SERIOUSLY? That just means that I'm not even food weight fat, I'm proper fat. Proper, proper 65.3kg of fat. How disgusting. 

My intake was almost awesome, but then there were two major slip ups - the one is that a colleague bought me fat red bull (i.e. the 119cals per can one) - EVERYONE knows that you should go sugarfree - always. No exceptions. Then, with this being one of the first days in a while that I've not eaten all day at all - when I got home and was making dinner, I ate 4 crispbread things (100) and doused my dinner in mango chutney - probably about 150 cals worth. In addition, I had curried fried rice (250), two sugar free energy drink things (20) and tea with milk (80) - total for the day being 750 or thereabouts. We are not amused. I need to just drink a lot of water. 

With tomorrow being Friday, my next goal is to NOT binge this weekend. I'm going to allow myself some crisps tomorrow, but that's it. Well, I say that, but we all know that I'm one very weak Piggy. Also, I want to get some smokeables next week and then it really goes to shit. But something to look forward to - I'm getting a new tattoo on Friday. Happy 4th to me!! :D

Moody & Shit

Xo Xo

Laxy Daxy

I have been a pig today - I wanted to have a chat to a colleague of mine today about him leaving the company and that turned into lunch with two other people and I am broke as fuck. Like the kind of broke where I had a veggie burger instead of a salad because the salad was more expensive. The struggle is real. Anyway, so I had the burger with absolutely nothing else - it was a patty, a bun and some salad - no mayo or anything like that. I estimate it to be about 400.. I haven't seen a patty that is more than 200 cals. Anyway, so there was that and then some chocolate in the office, another 200 maybe more and then fried rice for dinner... about 300. So not a great day. I know I'm kinda safe at below 1000, but it's still too much. Everytime I see a skinny person around - I'm like - Piggy, you fat bitch - that's the goal get it right. Anyway, so I've taken a couple of laxies, just to get things moving - I don't want to be a ton heavier tomorrow, just because my digestive system has stopped working. Hopefully it will be fine. 

I'm a bit anxious at the moment - my work is going through a huge transition at the moment with a new MD who is changing everything and taking no prisoners. Makes me look at the company and wonder if it's the kind of place that I want to work - where they treat us like children. Children. :( That and the combination of my landlords visit to my flat next week - he doesn't know I have cats and even though it's been a year and half (more) that I've lived here - I don't want to get evicted. So I have to hide them. I sent an email to the estate agents asking for the garden to be sorted out and a new bed - since mine is shit and I'd rather buy myself a new one than sleep on this godforsaken pit of doom every night. I'm wondering if he's doing the inspection now so he can look for an excuse to end my tenancy cuz he doesn't want to spend the money. :( I hope not. I'm so stressed about it though. David and I are going to basically hide the cats. Hopefully therefore, we should be fine. I hope so. I'm tired. I'm stressed. I'm fat. 

My mate from work is also dieting at the moment, she is juicing. Her and I are the same weight, but she is way fitter than myself and about four inches shorter, so now I'm like - you can't get down to 9st (57kg), I'M GETTING THERE FIRST. But then I go and eat like a fucking pig at work. Go me. Go fucking me. 

Fat & Frustration

Xo Xo

On & On

I can't post my weight, because it is fucking disgusting. Five days of perfect calories and then two of shit, and what do I get? Shitloads of fat taking up residence on my disgusting body. Why can't it be simple? Why can't the effort of years of dedication to being skinny just pay off? Nothing, that's what. The world is cruel. 

Today I've had... about 600 cals I think. And i'm definitely going to have a drink so add another 200 to that. I don't care. It's been a hard day. Why is it that when you finally get the areas of your life to go in a good direction that all of a sudden out of the blue, the rest spectacularly go to shit? My company is imploding. I'm completely concerned that I may be professionally compromised if I stay, but I love the company so I don't want to. I'm going to give it another six months and if the company doesn't pull itself towards itself, then I'll leave. I just feel like I need to act maturely and professionally, and basically. Not panic. I am panicking. STOP PANICKING PIGGY!!! :(

Fat & Blubbery

Xo Xo

Feeling Guilty For Feeling Full

You know, it is the one single thing that I hate the most about this curse of an ED blessing?. Even if I am within my calories for the day, like I am today... I still feel like the fattest fuck on this planet for feeling full. Or for eating enough that I don't feel empty. I hate it, I hate it, I HATE IT! It's when I feel like this that sometimes I wonder if I don't actually want to recover. Who am I kidding? Never. 

I basically spent the whole weekend binging, although I didn't binge Monday to Friday last week. Today, I've had somewhere in the region of 800 cals which consisted of cereal (150), chocolate (200... I think) and fried rice (rice, peas, tomato, peppers, olive oil, mango chutney,chili and garlic - 550 is my guess). I bet it is probably more. Anyway, As long as I keep losing gradually, it will be okay. My stomach is looking flatter these days and I want to try and do a few squats per day. 

Dr Dave update. He said I love you, I kinda love him too. I definitely love him loads actually. He annoys me though, but the things that annoy me about him are also the things that I love about him. He's awesome actually. He told his overly Jewish mother about my non-Jew status and allegedly, it didn't go too badly. All in all, it was a pretty good weekend for us. UPDATE on the ex-gate from last weekend - he apologised for ages. I think that sometimes I don't give him credit for being a genuinely nice guy, even though I look at these situations that he puts himself in and wonder what the fuck he thinks he is doing. As much as I gave him shit about seeing her, in his defense he never lied about it - he told me exactly what he was doing, where he was going and promised to tell me every little detail about the encounter. I guess, I'm just being a dickhead - because I'm giving him shit for being a nice guy who doesn't lie to me. Maybe I was being a bit unreasonable after all... 

Weight to follow tomorrow, maybe. :)

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Trying SO Very Hard

I'm really trying to behave. Last night, I think I did okay, because Dr Dave EVENTUALLY got here and then he wanted to get snacks and booze. I had one peanut butter cup (110) and a couple sips of whiskey, so my intake was higher. But still under 700, so okay. 

Today, I feel very hungry, but I'm fighting it. I've had a "calorie-free" energy drink (8), a salad (now I'm not sure about this cuz there was a lot of olive oil on it - 400), five crackers with avocado (205) and a punnet of cherries (100), so somewhere in the 700s is the verdict. Man, oh man though. I want to eat more. 

I just keep thinking about that willowy skinny girl I used to be and how I used to proudly look at my thigh gap and even my thighs and just think how they almost looked a little bit too small. Today, I had lunch with three boys who called me skinny. I said that I was a normal size and not skinny. They were like 'bro, you're skinny'. They CLEARLY don't know what skinny is. CLEARLY. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo

I Don't Think I'm Unreasonable

Dr Dave is currently enroute to my house after having some lovely cocktails with his ex-girlfriend. Not only is he doing that, but he said he would be here at 9 and then called me to say that he's going to be half an hour late. I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but WHAT THE FUCK!? I am not fucking OKAY with him having drinks with her, but I can deal with it, because I trust him and shit. But I'm not FUCKING okay at all nor unjustifiably with my limited time with him being even more limited because he can't fucking leave on time. Or because spending time with her is way more awesome. Seriously, a little bit of fucking respect for my time will go a long fucking way. Anyway, he's so going to get it when he gets here. 

Today I have had a goodish day. I've had two coke lights, beetroot juice (80), cereal with almond milk (150), tea (50) and mushroom fried rice (mushroom, rice, mango chutney and chilli... and garlic... around 300, I think?), so that brings us to a total of 580 for today. I have to say, it feels nice to have a nice lowish cal number. It's been a while. 

Love & Rice

Xo Xo

High-School Fucking Reunion

I know that a lot of you peeps that read this blog are still quite young, so this probably isn't something a lot have faced. My highschool reunion is coming up in October and I'm definitely not going. Like when I say that I am definitely not going, I mean that I would sooner revirginise than go. No, I'd rather chew my own arm off saw-style than go. I don't think those stupid mediocre fucks that I went to school with understand how miserable they made me, when sadly all I wanted was for them to be normal towards me. I never spent one recess with the cool kids, no boys liked me and for the most part, I was the weird American kid - I have an American accent btws. I saw something about it on facebook today and honestly, FUCK those fucks. I didn't like them ten years ago and I STILL would rather have drinks with Hitler than them... maybe I'm the only one that feels this way...

Anyway, that aside. Today's intake has been okay... not great. I had beetroot juice (80), cereal (160), a salad (guessing somewhere around 300 - it was a raw wholefood salad with lentils and quinoa), fried rice (240) and blueberries (120) giving me a grand total for the day of: 900. More or less I think. Anyway, not too bad, but now to keep it up for a few days. 

I've decided to not weigh myself until Monday cuz I want to test my motivation and fear-level to see if it will help if I don't know how fat I am. I am fat, mind you. 

FYI I HATE Candice Swanepool. Fuck her. 

Love & Rice

Xo Xo

I'm Who I Am...

I've managed to not lose anymore, but then I've also managed to not gain. I'm very fat though. Summer is coming up and I've kinda totally had enough of being fat. My life is finally in order and I am not going to let being fat ruin that. Today I have had 750 cals about consisting of beetroot juice (I'm trying to anti-oxidise, 80), special K crisps (95), vegan pie with ketchup (500) and almond milk hot chocolate (80). These are rough numbers of course. 

I'm really have a bit of a family issue at the moment, because my mother moved to England like two weeks ago and I haven't seen her, I don't want to see her - I just don't want her or any of my family involved in my life. They are all toxic to me. I mean - they don't seem to understand that I am just a private person, I keep to myself and I literally don't want anyone to input on my life. I consider my life to be my business and absolutely no one elses. It just kinda upsets me that they don't understand me at all. They try and they just either can't see it or they don't understand it. On the one hand, it makes me sad, because I just want them to be happy, but on the other. I don't want to have them in my life. I don't know what to do. Actually, I won't do anything, because I really don't want them in my life. 

I feel like I've worked very hard to make this life for myself, a life that I am not only proud of, but one which makes me really happy. I'm working towards a promotion, I've got my personal life together, good friends, a lovely boyfriend. Now... they are here and they will tear it all apart. I will never do anything unless I want to. With family, you are obligated to do things, I don't do that. I do things because I want to, not because it is expected of me to do them. 

I don't know if anyone can relate. My family are not bad people... well not. Like. THAT bad. I just don't want them in my life. 

Family & Frustration

Xo Xo