Herp Derp

I finished two assignments last night, so now I am going to get my first British paycheck! YAY!! Well. It's a pittance because I only worked for a week, but still! YAY! Anyway, so now I am back to the drawing board with jobs, because I do still want a full time job. Although, if I can make a decent living doing freelance, that would also be great since I'd love to work from home. I am a recluse. I actually know that I am a total recluse. Anyway, so I am going to move out to zone 6 in London away from the noise of the city. I think I will be happier out there. :)

Anyway, yesterday we got stoned and then I ate EVERYTHING. Well cookies, peanut m&m's, more cookies, more chocolate. Gawd. How awful.

Today however I have only had two chocolate disgestives. I'm going to have a cup of tea or coffee and go to bed. So my total today will be about 200. I need to get my bank card since I can't draw any money, I have no money. FUCK FUCK! Anyway. Then it is fruit and soup. I still have so much soup to eat. My goals for now are to not binge until the weekend. Five days of 500 cal restriction, preferably NO more chocolate disgestives. Also, I am to make 2000 GBP this month from my writing. Which means I need to do 500 a week. Which is a lot, but I think I can do it if I work hard. Fuck balls.

So a little boy drama. The skinny is basically that my ex and i are doing a long distance thing till he comes here in August. While we were on break he got that bitch whore pregnant. AND this bitch whore is a friend of his best friends girlfriend, so she's still around even though they aren't seeing each other. IT's his birthday tomorrow and he was meant to have dinner with these friends and they fucking invited her. So I pitched a total fit and he cancelled his dinner. I mean, they are meeting him for a birthday dinner WHY INVITE HER!? I think the bestfriends girlfriend hates me - she always wanted her stupid whore friend to hook up with my boy. GODDAMMIT! I hate actually talking about this since I am the stupid girl that is still with him. Fuck. I don't think I freaked too bad, I told him if he saw her at dinner we are through. HE could just uninvite her. Then he cancelled. But what the fuck is the bitches problem?? I want to call her and tell her to stop trying to get him with the whore. Ah fuck it, I never say names, but hers is Amanda. This bitch whore Amanda also got drunk with us one night when we first hooked up and was dirty dancing with my boy at a club. I fucking hate her. I want to rip her goddamn face off! SO mad. Anyway, it's not important. I will get over it eventually. I hope.

Fuck balls. OH new game of thrones! Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Money & Lies
Xo Xo

**EDIT** - the bitch whore had an abortion thank god, I forgot to mention this. So she doesn't need to be around any of us. And I also know that it isn't technically her fault, I mean he fucked her. But the anger remains... and EDIT THINSPO!

This is NOT a diet.

I just joined http://anaprincess.proboards.com/index.cgi - proana forum. Let me just state again that I am not proana. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but like proana I don't think there is anything wrong with me and I wish people would just leave me alone with regards to my eating. The only reason I participate in things like this forum is because I do believe that support is needed for people like us, because frankly an ED is just a manifestation of something else that is causing a lot of pain and how many blogs I have read including my own where we have given up and ended up in hospital. Some aren't as lucky as I was... well. Lucky. Anyway.

My point is that on this forum there are girls looking for a diet and exercise routine that will help them lose weight. Now, I know this is stating the blatantly obvious, but proana, an Eating Disorder is NO DIET! It is a disease. And it is rough. You don't want to lose 5lbs to look pretty. You lose weight because you are trying to control yourself. For me, my life is out of control and the only thing I feel I can control is what I eat. It obviously isn't as conscious as that. Like I didn't start by saying... hmm... I can't control my drinking or that I have been acting like a dirty ho bag. I know *snap* I'll start obsessively controlling everything that goes into my mouth and bring a new meaning to the words binge eat.

My point is simply that this started as a diet for me when I was 17. Eating nothing but peas for weeks to lose weight. And now I go through cycles of binging and starving. Hating myself for eating. Hating myself for not eating. Being constantly angry about my body and the way it looks. Wanting to look like a skeleton. Never being good enough. So if you are looking for a diet. This is not it. This is not something you just snap out of when you have lost enough. If you are looking for something drastic - stop eating carbs. It is simple and it works. I didn't have the self control for years before I started this blog. Trying to be proana is playing with fire. If you want to recover or if you want to lose some weight, don't look at proana sites. Kids, this is no fucking joke. I am in my mid twenties. You don't want to end up like me.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Coffee Fast?

I have managed to not eat anything today and only have three cups of coffee with milk. I am really excited to buy some Splenda since I am now in a country that sells it and I can't wait to have sweetener in stuff guilt free. I am in such a gross fat disgusting mood today. My boy hasn't been helping. Fuck, I don't actually know why I am posting. Actually I do. I need to finish this essay I'm working on except I have zero motivation to do so. Although. Once it's done, it's done. I feel so defeated and lonely. On one hand I wish I were home, but knowing what's there for me, i.e. nothing. I don't want to go back. I almost feel like crying. Although I also know that I am just PMS-ing right now.

Fuck balls.

Loneliness & PMS.
Xo Xo

What to say...

I don't know what to say except I am a fat miserable fat ugly piggy. Fuck sakes. I just binge all the time. Goddamn. Okay. not all the time, but I did binge yesterday. No ciggies, alcohol or drugs for me. I also am giving myself one more week to find a full time job. Or I am going to work in a deli or something equally shit. Fuck. My. Life.

I need some assurance from my boy whether or not he is actually coming here. Because he is giving me shit because I am not factoring him into my life decisions, but he won't commit to a time to come here. Fuck fuck fuck.

I hate myself today. I fucking hate myself.

Hate & War
Xo Xo

My Daily Vits

I have decided I want to find out what vitamins and minerals I need every day and eat fruits and veggies to get there. No animal protein, except milk - skim milk.

SO I need:
Protein: 58g
Total Fat: 56g
Saturated Fat: 18.6g
Carbs: 275g
Dietary Fibre: 20g
Cholesterol: 300mg
Calcium: 0.4-0.5mg
Sodium: 1350mg
Iron: 19mg
Vitamin A: 750mg
Folic Acid: 200mg
Vitamin C: 30mg

Actually, I don't care about that at all. I need iron though. I am feeling vert fatigued at the moment and past experience tells me that it is low iron. Which means I need vitamin C to absorb the iron. OKAY. So I am going to have about 300g of beetroot and a pineapple for the vitamin C. Then some tomato soup if I am hungry. Yes, this is a good plan.

I have been binging for days. It's disgusting.

Peace & Vitamins
Xo Xo

Edamame Beans

I read recently that Posh eats only edamame beans, strawberries and lettuce. So I bought an edamame bean salad for lunch. Which I haven't eaten yet. So I think. Well no. Lemme start again. A friend of mine is arriving from Cape Town tomorrow morning at like 6am. So I am going to meet him at Heathrow.

I have a phone interview in a couple of minutes which I am going to do. Then I am going to shower. Eat my bean salad. Or maybe just some strawberries. I think I'll go beans. It is about 300 cals in the whole salad. A good total for the day. And it is vegan. I am then going to shower and take two sleeping pills which I just bought and pass out till 5am. Leave at around 6am to get to the airport.

I had a bit of a tiff with my boy earlier because he is going to get HIS HOUSEKEYS aka my housekeys back from the slut whore bag mutha fucken cunt troll that he got pregnant. It. Makes. My. Blood. Boil. Anyway, I know he won't fuck her again or anything... well I hope he won't. I trust him. I trust him. I trust him. I trust him. I made a wishlist of things that I want. So I need to work on getting them, firstly to ace this interview.

I want to start a weightloss group called Team Posh. Cuz I love Vic Beckham. But that's lame and I'm not a groupie. Okay, and the red band thing. Thanks for all the feedback. I need to find out how much postage is before I send these things. I may need some donations... but ya. I found a place to buy them. They are so cheap. The whole thing plus postage should be less than about three pounds. Will keep yall posted. Spread the word.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

An Idea?

I meant to put this in my last post, but I forgot. I posted a while ago about my red band that I wear everyday. I am going to find out where to get more of these and then if you send me your mail addresses I can mail them to my ana sisters... and brothers. Let me know if this is something you are interested in. Also, if you have friends or followers that may want them as well. I know I didn't come up with the idea of the red bracelet, but I like it a lot. We are in this together.

Oh and the band looks like those jelly bracelets. Cuz they are tiny and you never have to take it off. And just one. It isn't the typical ana bracelet. It's just a red rubber band. :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Detox!

Today, I am starting a full on detox for one whole week. It's going to be a vegan detox. NO dairy, meat (obviously), alcohol, weed, ciggies. Only water, green tea, vegan soup and fruit. No diet sodas either. *cry* No caffeine. I expect to get really sick this week as well, because my flatmate is sick and you seriously can't live in such close proximity to someone who is sick and not get sick yourself. So yes, vegan detox cleanse.

I am also going to attempt to get regular amounts of sleep and not excessive amounts and also, get into normal sleeping hours. Well, I expect that in about an hour I am going to go get some sleeping pills and comatose myself for the next week until I am skinny, detoxed and well. I need to start drinking more water, but the water in London is so filthy and it tastes terrible!

OH did I mention that I am one week without ciggies?? I haven't smoked since last friday. :) :) I am proud of myself. So now, I just need to keep it up. I do feel healthier for it. I need to drink more water. Gawd. I've been stoned binging for the last three days. Although, it's not BAD binges, it is still a binge. Yes, so detox is a go.

You know I wonder sometimes about human nature and people. I know that people call me skinny. Even though I am not. I know the only reason they call me skinny is because they are jealous that they are fat. I am thinner than they are and therefore this is not okay. So they will try fatten me up out of jealousy. Not because there is anything wrong with me or the way I look, just because they are jealous of my willpower. Wow. I sound so conceited. But I know this is true. I have a friend who constantly tells me I am too thin. But when it was her that was too thin she thought it was beautiful. And I know she thinks skinny is beautiful. The only reason she says this now, is because she jealous. And wants me to be fat like her. *Rant*

OH. I got the freelance writing job. YAY! Just waiting on my login details for the site so I can start taking on assignments. I will only get paid at the end of May which sucks balls. But I guess it's okay for now. :)

Peace & Detox
Xo Xo

My Red Band

WORD! I collected my prescription earlier today, so I have my crazy pills. I found out yesterday that they are a generic of prozac. Oh well. Maybe I am totally fucking mental. Whatever. Today I managed to restrict really well. I had a skinny latte and a punnet of strawberries. I was planning on having soup for dinner, then I went to visit a friend and her housemate shoved a mini cake in front of me. Vanilla with no icing or anything. About half the size of my blackberry. So it was little. And I had just bitched about Kate Middleton being a skinny bitch and "oh! she needs a hamburger", so when I tried to protest about eating it, she gave me a look. So I just fucken ate it. And the crap thing is that now I have NO idea how much was in the small little cake. I'm guessing around 120 cals. And so my total for the day is just under 300. I am kinda hungry and would like some soup, but it's late now and it would push up my total too much. So I had a coke zero and am going to go to sleep now... Well after I read some blogs.

Anyway. So the topic of my blog. I don't really have much to say about it, but I wear a red band around my arm everyday (well I never take it off) and it's my own red bracelet. It's not really. It's just this thing. I dunno. I feel proud to wear it. I'm not pro-ana. This is not a lifestyle I'd want for anyone, but at the same time. I am proud of my willpower. I am proud of the fact that I can overcome the control my body has over me. I can do this. We can do this. So I wear a red band. Kinda reminds me of that Johnny Cash song - The man in black. Something about I wear black for the hundreds who have died believing god was on their side. Anyway. I love that song.

Thanks for all the lovely comments. I'm still job hunting *sigh* But I did get a UK bank account today, so that's a win really. Anyway.

Hunger & Pride
Xo Xo

So over it.

Today started off as a good day, but I have ended up in the foulest, grumpiest, sleepiest mood in the world. I have just completed my trial essay for that writing job and I'm sure it was a work of art, but thinking about it. I know nothing about british law, so fuck it. I may fail miserably. I am fully committing myself to job hunting tomorrow. But right now, I am SO sleepy.

Today I have had about 420 cals. I had a biggish bunch of grapes, a pear and some tomato and mexican bean soup (about 200 cals). I'm totally not sure that my fruit is taking up that many calories, but my cal counter says it is, so it must be right. Anyway. I went to the doctor today and they weighed me and I am about 60kg. Which is great. It means that I have lost the fat that I put on just before I came here. And if I can have another two weeks of restricting like this, I should be down to 55kg in no time. Thank fuck.

I need to get a job though so I can buy myself my reward scale. Fuck. Anyway. So the doctor today reviewed my shit, gave me more drugs and then told me that she would like to refer me to yet another ED centre. Fuck me. I refuse to believe that I have a goddamn problem. Yes, okay. I am neurotic about what I eat and my weight etc etc. But I am not going through the whole recovery bullshit wank. There is NOTHING wrong with me. Even that WHORE told me it's better to be my weight than fat. Yes, I am a fattist. WHATEVER mutha fuckers. Fuck. Anyway, I agreed to go anyway, because I do believe that this is part of my treatment to being a better me than I am right now. And also, it is a challenge. Is that sadistic? I see this doctor as being a challenge to be lighter next time I see her. Hopefully in one month I will weigh 55 :D :D - how amazing will that be!? Challenge accepted.

Sorry that this has been so uncoordinated. My brain is fried and I am so fucking tired. And I need to find a fucking job ASAP. Mutha fucker.

Sleep & Tea
Xo Xo

Nudes...

I was just about to go to sleep, because I am tired and it is late, but then I thought I'd rather find some thinspo. And yes, my weird obsession with nudes. In black and white. Whatever. :) This is real. Today I managed to keep it to about 440. :) Tomorrow will be better. It was the banana. Tomorrow no bananas.

THINSPO!

Fruit, Soup & Diet Soda

I need to start doing my test essay for this writing job. God, I hope it pays well. I also have an appointment with the bank on Wednesday so I can finally get a bank account, because lord knows this whole huge transaction fee thing is just not doing it for me. Anyway.

Today I have had two small bananas and a diet coke, so like 150 cals today so far. Considering I only had about 50 yesterday I figure it's okay. I am going to have soup for dinner. The soup I was meant to have yesterday. So I should end up at around 400. Which is okay. I just want to try stick to around 500 a day. I just need more pepsi max and coke zero then I can make it. Fruit, soup and diet cola. I got this.

I can't wait for my boy to get here. It's going to be a very long six months, but I know I can do this. Well I hope I can. I am slowly starting to realise that I need to not drink at all anymore. I can't handle my shit when I get drunk, so I think I need to stop. Entirely. Like I don't think it's at AA level yet, but if I keep going this way I think it may be. Fuck man. Why can't I just control myself? I can control my food, but is that it?? I need my boy and my cat. God I miss my kitten so much. It hurts, but I do think all in all I am doing well.

Thanks for all the lovely feedback and comments on my last post. I figure it's an ED thing to be disgusted with the control our bodies try to have over us. Like I find if I restrict I love food shopping. Walking around looking at labels and calories. Thinking hmm I'd love to put this in my mouth right now, but then conveniently a fat ass chick will trot past and you put it back, snickering almost, like - or I can put it back and not look llike you. I mean I know it's about the overall weight, but I do feel like everytime I say no to something, I have a small victory. Walking home from the store with fruit and soup and nothing else, is empowering. Skim milk, water and diet sodas. You all know what I mean. Being close to food is a great substitute for not actually eating it. It does help that there isn't a lot of crap in my flat and that I am too damn embarrassed to eat in front of my flatmate.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

I loathe the things that make us human...

I know this is probably a weird fucking thing to say and I am no robot, but I fucking HATE the things that make us human. How people are dependent on eating pisses me off. That we have to go to the bathroom embarrasses me, or that we are prone to illness. Women and our periods. I hate all of it. I pride myself on never getting sick, like the flu or a cold. I haven't been sick in years, it's like I don't allow myself to get sick. And then minor niggly things like bladder infections or whatever - those thangs that us ladies are prone to getting - I hide that shit like the plague. Like it is hugely embarrassing for me to be sick or need medical attention at all.

But then there is the eating thing. When I have lived with boys this dependence that people have on food was highlighted and it fucking disgusts me. That I even have to eat at all disgusts me. It's like all they were doing was in search of the next food. It's like a drug for them. And it's gross. I mean a couple of hours ago, my flatmate woke up and went into the kitchen to get more food and he bent over ass crack sticking out rummaging for food in the fridge. There is nothing wrong with what he was doing but for some fucking reason, it just totally offended me.

Look, I'm not saying I am a robot or that I want to be. Because sadly, I too need to eat and use the bathroom. OH WAIT... no hang on. Not even going to get onto that topic. But seriously. It fucking kills me. Perhaps something that I need to cover with my therapist shortly.

Anyway as for today, I have eaten 1 pear. And that's it  :)  Tomorrow, I am going to have a banana for breakfast, some more fruit for lunch and then soup for dinner. Anyway, sorry about the rant.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Hungover Binging

Fuck it, I know everyone binges when they are hanging. And actually all things considered I didn't do too badly. I mean I had breakfast and a huge dinner. But it was actually okay. But still a binge. I managed to fast on Friday but then got hammered ass drunk on an empty stomach of course. Ended up being embarrassingly drunk. Nonetheless, I managed to not hook up with anyone, thankfully. And then made my way home. Spent yesterday feeling oh-so-sorry for myself and watched gossip girl all day. Fuck it. I need to be more productive.

So I need to start this test essay I have and get my forms in tomorrow for NI. Ya, and then I have a really cool interview on the 26th, so hopefully. I can have a full time job sooner or later. I NEED TO WEIGH MYSELF!!

I need to get a job first though, since the scale is the reward, but today I haven't eaten yet, so I am going to have some soup (brocolli and stilton) and then maybe a kiwi fruit. I should end up with cals of around 300 today. Proud :) :)

I need to get to work.

Love & Soup
Xo Xo

Fucking Munchies

I swear to fucking christ that mary jane will be the fucking end of me. It makes me munch like a demon. Okay so it hasn't been that bad, still managing to maintain about 1000 a day which is WAY TOO FUCKING HIGH!  Anyway, today is going okay, I am going to try fast today. BECAUSE it is 3pm and I have only had two cups of tea and am not feeling hungry AT ALL. So today fuckers, is going to be a fast day. Then I am going out with a friend in about two hours, so I won't have to eat tonight at all. Then hopefully, will not drink either. Or maybe just one glass of wine. I don't want to get too drunk and embarrassing again.

The job hunt is going shit. If any of yall know of somewhere I can work, give us a shout cookie monsters. I had an interview this morning which I am so sure I bombed like a fucking bitch. Hopefully it will pick up next week. I hope. Anyway, so I may do this freelance writing thing. Which I will be writing on the topic of law, which is awesome, because it will give me a chance to familiarise myself with the british legal cases. I do feel a bit out of my depth with the whole law thing. But hopefully this should help. :) I'm sure I can make a decent amount part time just by this writing.

Anyway. Feeling fat and bloated. I NEED to get a scale. Fucking need it. I miss my boy. This long distance thing sucks so much fucking hairy fat donkey balls. FUCK THIS SHIT MAN!

My national insurance forms arrived today so I should hopefully have that sorted out by the end of next week with my bank account. Fuck. Life seems like too much of an effort at the moment.

Love & Sleepies
Xo Xo

Success!

I feel at least slightly more in control today than I have been feeling recently. Yesterday I stayed under a 300 cal limit. Today, I had butternut soup (quite a lot actually - 600g) 250cals (probably less), tea and strawberries (about 100 cals worth). So today I managed to basically stay under 400 cals. AND on top of that I managed to walk for at least an hour today. I certainly wasn't walking fast, but I was at least moving. I reckon I netted about 200 today. Not that I ever count nett. But anyway. So now I am lying on my bed... well on the dude I am staying with, his bed. He has gone out and I am finally alone for the first time since I got here. The quiet is amazing. So I made myself the soup, had a bong. Chilled. I'm lying here listening to Florence and the Machine and sipping pepsi max.

I also got called by a recruitment agency today who are going to pass on my details to this awesome ass job thang, basically - I think I may have found a job. Well an interview anyway. But it's quite a specialised position so the likelihood of me getting it is rather good. I hope anyway. This made me feel a little bit better after the ass kicking that I got from life yesterday.

I really need to find somewhere to weigh myself. Fuck it. I am just going to by a goddamn scale. Jeez. I have to. I can't stand not knowing. It is killing me. I am sure I am around 60. I mean. I hope. I really miss that boy also. I wish I knew what to think about him and I. I mean if he comes here then he comes. If not... then I get to be heartbroken all over again. *cry*

Anyway... Concentrate on your weight. It is always a good distraction when you can't control anything else.

Ice & Love
Xo Xo

Semi-Naked Thinspo

Cuz I like black and white, nudity and art house shots. And because I am feeling like I have control today.

London Town.

Well, a lot has certainly changed since my last blog post. For one thing, I am now in London. So yes bloggers, I am a resident of London, United Kingdom now. Everything has been very stressful for a few reasons. The first is that I need to find a job etc etc which I have no idea how to. Wow, I don't even know what kind of job I want to do. I mean, presumably it will be something legal. I mean. Let's hope. So anyway, I have to do that, somewhere to live, national insurance, bank accounts... all of it. Also been feeling very run down, which may have something to do with the enormous amount of unhealthy, greasy, carby food I have been showing down my enormous throat, leading to the residence of a few extra kilograms on my already flabby ass. Fucking hell Piggy. I can't believe I have let myself go.

I have also been saying this for months now, about me getting in control of my eating. Well fuck it, it has to be now or never. I feel like I am sliding back to my HW. How fucked is that. I need to buy a scale. I think a scale is going to be my reward for finding a job. I need something to work towards. I really need one. Also managed to restrict to about 300 cals today. Tomorrow will hopefully be the same. I am only eating soup and fruit - 0 cal drinks, tea and water. Restriction is key. I am wondering if maybe I should get all skinny again (BMI 18) and then maybe try get some modelling work. Not that anyone would hire me. I'm gross. Oh god, shut up piggy. I think that's the dumbest idea I have ever had.

The boy back home and I are vibing long distance. I don't know what to think about it. But I have promised myself and him that I won't be hooking up with anyone until we are done for good, which will be at this point if he doesn't move over here by this time next year. I have given him a year to get here, before I move on.

I feel so run down and lost. My eating is out of control, I have no job or anywhere to live - temporary I hope. The dude I am staying with is in my face. Everything is just seems so hard. Fuck it. I am also not drinking or having a ciggie until Friday. So, that's another three days.

Cold & Miserable
Xo Xo