Back on the Sauce

Well ladies, after a year - I am back on prozac. I'm just not coping at the moment with a lot of things. I am angry and irritated most of the time. My sunshine has gone and I just hate everything. I ripped into the German yesterday like a rabid bear. He just wasn't being helpful at all while I was ranting and yes, that is mostly because he doesn't know me very well. I mean - at all really. You know like when someone keeps asking you if you're angry to a point that them asking actually makes you angry? That's kinda what happened last night. Anyway, he handled it very well. I ended up eating like an animal last night - another reason to go back on prozac, because it is used to treat bulimia... i.e. the binging part of it. Work is shit, I officially hate it. Fuck. My. Life. I hate everything.

Hate & Anger
Xo Xo

Bitching and Moaning

My office is being moved to Teddington and I am fucking pissed off. Mostly because this now means that I have to find another job or travel an extra 45 minutes per day each way. So yes, my total commute time a day would be 3 hours. Fuck that. I'm frustrated with the German, because he isn't here and you know I think, I think I want a fucking boyfriend who at least lives in the country but OH NO god forbid I say anything, because then what did I expect. Seriously, fucking hell. I won't. But then, I keep telling myself to calm the fuck down, because I'm just pissed about work thing. In addition. I can't stop eating, because I quit smoking. So I'm fucking disgusting. I don't know what to do. I'm doing my masters application too and who the fuck can I use as an academic reference, because I have to have one... And of course - my lecturers didn't know who I was in Varsity, let alone two years later. This is shut bullcrap. Fuck. My. Life. 

Hatred & Anger

Xo Xo

Welcome to the Mia Purge-Party

This is what the bathrooms at work are like after lunch everyday... and it is a strange emotion because I am disgusted by the stench when you walk into the bathroom and the fact that both stalls have been used for this very purpose. I am also really jealous that I am the one that isn't the thinniest person in the office and the resident MIA. I know that this is something that I probably shouldn't be feeling... but it is thinspirational in a way... I know who it is too... She is super, super skinny. And I saw her come out today before I went in. Altogether now in the 1,2,3 Puke Party. 

Apologies again for the fact that I haven't been posting. It is because I have been eating. Far too much, like a fucking mutant. This evening for example. I had set out to have a small pasta for dinner, but I made extra so that I could take some to work yesterday and I ended up eating the entire damn thing. Which means that my optimistic intake for today which was meant to be around 700 is now way up into the 1100's. Disgusting. But on the plus side, it isn't a proper binge. So hopefully I won't have gained tomorrow. I haven't weighed in ages. I don't think I will weigh tomorrow because I had carbs for dinner. My new thing is to have carbs for lunch and then either a salad or soup for dinner. So this is what I'm going to try. This will serve two purposes, it will keep me awake in the afternoon to have a lunch of about 250 cals - carbs. And it will also make sure that I am not fucking ravenous by the time I get home and then I will actually be able to behave like a good-ana and only have a 150 cal soup dinner. This is the plan. 

My German is the most perfect man *gush gush* *smittening all up in hur'*. He asked me today to write an article with him... I haven't even started my masters yet and he is on his phd in fucking engineering/maths and he has enough professional respect for me to put his name next to mine on an article. It's like an academic proposal. I don't know if I will do it, he is sending me the topic proposal later today... I think this has the potential to be something amazing. The articles and the German. I'm doing my masters in EU Law. Btws. It is the cheapest course I've found - still 8000 pounds though. But it's awesome. Would it be a bad thing if I put a paypal thing on the side of my blog... maybe some of the people that read would donate a little to the Piggy-Wants-Her-Masters-Scholarship Fund. I don't want to be cheap, but perhaps. Fuck. POVO! Anyway, just a thought. 

Love & Pasta

Xo Xo

I know I suck...

I must really apologise for not posting more. My god, I have been so bad at it this month. I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. I'm just in such a weird place... Mentally. I don't know. I wouldn't say that I am in a bad place. It's just weird. I've gotten to a point where I've realised that ana will be with me for the rest of my life - because there is no way I'm ever going to be alright. Strangely, I'm okay with it. I mean, I know there are those days where you just kinda throw a bit of a conniption about it - like why the fuck am I so fucked up!? Why can't I just eat like normal people - why is my weight just never going to be okay with me. But I think I've gotten past that point now. I spent the entire tube to work and the way home standing and today was quite warm so I'm wearing a short sleeve top - the entire way there and back I watched my arm that I was holding on with - and everyone around me to see if they were staring at my fat disgusting arm. I suppose this is just... an ana-girl problem? That aside I've not lost or gained despite eating really uncontrollably... which is weird. Like I mean it - I've been eating a lot. Anyway, I'm still hovering in the 63's. I think that this is the week where I can finally get down to the 62's and hover there for a little while. 

In other news - my German is perfect. He is just the most amazing man - I put a pic below... oh him trying to be John Wayne with his water gun. Such a goofball... Have I mentioned that he's a phd in wind energy research? I am freaking the fuck out though, because at some point I am going to have to tell him all of these things - the borderline, the suicides, the family history, ana, mia, the cutting, the shit with my ex... I'm so scared that he will turn around and just what to GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. I mean. He thinks I am so perfect and he doesn't hesitate to tell me this on a daily basis. About how beautiful, smart... thin he thinks I am. But I'm not. I'm just me and I'm flawed and broken. It's just really scary. I think I need to just... But I don't want to. Joe messaged me yesterday completely out of the blue. We haven't spoken in over two months... he messaged me to tell me that he missed me. Don't even get me fucking started on that. For the record, I'm not having a bad time. I'm just feeling very strange. At the moment. Strange.

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

WTF is Happening?

Sorry it's been a while dudes and dudettes. I feel like sometimes I go through phases where I feel totally suffocated by people to an extent that I don't want to reach out or chat or anything like that... Hence my leave of absence. I suppose there is a lot to report... The German from my conference - him and I have been like. In contact. I think it may be something... like a proper something. Of course the problem is that I don't really know what to make of it because he doesn't like here. Even though it's less than an hour's flight away. But still you know? I have also realised that the thought of actually being in a proper relationship completely terrifies me. He is coming here in a little while and last night I thought of the idea of him in my flat... on a plane to London and I started to have a panic attack. Thanks Roy, you belligerent assbag for fucking me up so perfectly. Asshole. Anyway, I never thought of myself as unwilling to have to give that part of myself to a person again, but i'm thinking that I should perhaps nip it in the budd... just for now. I don't want to be scared of him. Anyway. 

The good news is that even though I'm not getting thinner, I'm not getting any fatter. I'll start tracking again as of tomorrow. Also, will post a weigh in. Today I've had too much. I've had two sole fillets (320), some light cranberry juice, pistachios, a big yoghurt and way too much cheese. Anyway, I'm really sorry that it has taken so long for me to post. Almost two weeks isn't it? What's been going on. I'm in such a weird headspace at the moment. Like... I don't even know how to describe it. Let's put it this way - I'm listening to radiohead again. And that hasn't happened in a while. Fuck. I'm trying to figure it out. OH and I'm applying for a Masters in Psychology to start in September. Fuck yeah. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

With Great Hair...

... come great responsibility. FUCK ME. So basically, on Tuesday after I wrote my last post, we had a drinks reception at the hotel with all the speakers and delegates.. Everyone had just about left except for myself and the ops manager (who I must just categorically state, I totally misjudged, she is absolutely lovely - just having a bad day), three of the speakers and one of the delegates. We found out that it was one of the speakers birthdays and the madness of tequila chugging ensued. Basically - we all got absolutely shitfaced. I ended up making out with one of the speakers - who is a 29 year old research engineer and phd student from Cologne. Absolutely gorgeous with the bluest of blue eyes and he's been all up in my business since it happened. Basically though, he just wants to bone I think. And he lives super far away - like 3/4 hour drive. So anyway. Cute though... One day the planets will align and someone will be perfect again. My ex has been stalking my linkedin again. Asshole.  

I'm still in hamburg and I ate like a horse yesterday with all the hangover-ness. Pizza, pasta, chocolate, sandwiches. Like a fucking horse. So I'm fat. I haven't eaten yet today and I want to see if I can make it till dinner time when I get home. I'm meant to be fetching the new cat this weekend, still not convinced I want to screw up the equilibrium in my life with another cat. But I'll see what Gremlin is like when I get home. I'm fat. And FUCK MY LIFE!

Bratwurst & Sauerkraut

Xo Xo

So, there isn't much to update... actually that is a total lie. Let's start with Friday. Basically, my hair is a total hit with men it seems. Holy balls. Got asked out twice on Friday and one of which was by this dude who is kinda old (like 38 kinda old) and I was somehow talked into this by this other chick that was telling me about how she used to be a professional dominatrix (Yes, correct. Professional) and it seemed like a good idea after a hundred cocktails. Anyway, so then he got super possessive when I was dancing with these other dudes. I was very like - dafuq!? BITCH. WHAT IS YOUR DAMAGE? Anyway, it isn't going to work out. Then I ended up hooking up with this other guy who was a total schmooze ball. Although, I only noticed this when I was sober. Then on Sunday, some guy chased me down on Oxford Street asking me if I wanted to have coffee with him. Also not keen on him. He has a hairy chest. I.e. GROSS. The weekend was not great for eating - I was hungover etc etc. So I basically ate a shiton of carbs all weekend long. 

Yesterday, I flew to Hamburg, which is where I am as we speak. I'm busy sitting in the back of a hotel venue in a conference... Yesterday was a really long day, today is going to be a really long day, as is tomorrow and Thursday. I can't wait to get home to my Gremlin. Poor baby must be missing me so much. Which brings me to my next point. I'm getting another cat this weekend. I don't really want another cat, but HEAR ME OUT. Basically, with work and living in a place that is not my home. I travel a fair amount. And even though I can leave my precious boy at home alone for 3 days or so and he'll be fine. When I go home for my sisters wedding for example. I'll be gone for like three weeks and he'll have to go to a cattery. So I figure that he needs to have a buddy as a home comfort. And I know, I know. Cats are not like that. Gremlin is though. He's like a dog. So I have found another kitty who is also about 5 years old. And I'm fetching her this weekend. I'm thinking that I am going to name her Jellybean. What dyou think? I have put a little pic of her below - I think she looks like a little Jellybean...

In eating news.Yesterday I had about... 300 calories as a whole for the day. Today it has been quite a bit more, but I don't think all is lost for today. I'm going to skip dinner. On the plus side, I haven't had any carbs... oh wait that's a lie. I had rye bread this morning. I had the smallest slice of rye with cheese and salami on it (I'm in Germany, what can I say *cry*). Lunch was a full on affair, I think I did alright though. I had a piece of salmon, some steak and then tomato salad. Mostly protein basically. I'm going to skip dinner, although I suspect that we are going to have a team dinner, so I may have to eat something. I want to try and make sure that if I do, it will be a piece of fish and nothing more. I don't even want to know about the calories, but I think I'm doing alright for the minute. Let's hope I haven't gained too much by the time I get to London.