Why am I so HUGE?

I'm just enormous. I feel like this hulking mountain of flesh coming at people like a Sasquatch sized cannon ball. Fuck. I hate it. I'm on this whole alpha female kick at the moment, mostly because of how in demand I seem to be with my job hunting. I've got four... or five companies that want to interview in the next few weeks and that is excluding the four dream job applications that I made... but whether or not they call is a different matter. Anyway, so I've decided to devote all of my energy to being a truly amazing business person. I am far too worn down for men and maybe there is just no one else out there for me. And I'm cool with that. BUT as always, Mia is right, right there to remind me that I'll just be another sat, fat loser with no life and her cats if I can't shift this weight. I've decided not to weigh myself till Wednesday, because I think I may lose it if I get on the scale today. Today I've had about 500 cals, yoghurt, soup and some crackers. I'm only on soup really at the moment, so I'm going to have yoghurt for lunch, soup for dinner. That is the master plan. I can't believe I've spent this year so disgustingly fat. 

Over it. 

Love & Soup

Xo Xo 

Lost In Thought

It's all been a bit melodramatic for the past few days or weeks. I got into another discussion with my boss on Friday, except this time it involved her boss too and basically, the dumb mother fucking hobag whore BITCH lied to her boss about me and started telling her how I don't listen to the things she tells me. Fucking. Liar. Anyway, so essentially, I'm giving up that battle. Because, I only fight for things that are worth fighting for and I am NOT A FUCK working for someone that is petty enough to lie about my performance to someone else. So I'm just going to put the job search into over drive and let's hope that I can resign within the next two weeks. 

Basically as a by product of that whole situation is that I have been constantly stoning for the last two weeks or so and eating a lot as a by product of that. I managed to keep it civilised yesterday and today, but that has been a first. I'm getting uncontrollably fat again. I've decided that I am going to go on a soup diet from tomorrow until next Sunday - vegan of course. Bring it. 

Pensive & Moody

Xo Xo

Excellence Is NOT Too Much To Ask For

I just can't seem to control myself. My god. Yesterday, I may as well have eaten my body weight in disgusting carbs. I mean being onsite is just a barrage of bad food, although I've tried to stay clear of it and then tried to mitigate with soup for dinner last night. But then I had bread with it. Cry, cry, cry. I'm going to try and do the vegan thing today while onsite, which probably just means a lot of fruit, because lord knows, they don't cater to vegans. I can't wait to go home, I hate being away. I know it makes me a sad cat lady, but I really miss my cats. God, I'm kinda pathetic. I need to face the scale tomorrow morning at home. I hope it isn't too bad, but I can see that it is. I look pregnant. 

I got into a bit of a heated discussion with a girl from work where basically they told me that I need to start playing the 'game' at work. I.e. run with the corporate bullshit that is part of being employed with a big corporation. These fucking people just don't understand. They are happy being mediocre and okay with life. Aspiring to get a mortgage, have children, marry someone less than perfect just to be able to do this. And rather than putting it down to a difference in priorities, she seems to think that the reason I don't want to play the game and aspire to these things is because I'm SO young. NO, let me tell you. NO. I don't want to engage in this shit, because I aspire to be amazing, with an amazing career and I truly believe that I can and will make a difference in the world. Maybe I am crazy to think that I can, but working in a corporate environment has not made me resign myself to the idea that this is it - it makes me want it even more, it makes me want to be more excellent. I don't want to play their game, because I don't believe that I should be a corporate beggar playing over the scraps, I believe that I should be playing the game with things that matter - that I am an asset to any organisation that I am part of and I expect to be treated as such. Maybe I am arrogant, but maybe I am just crazy enough to innovate and believe that I can make a difference - BECAUSE I CAN. 

In other news, a colleague of the German is at this conference and came up to me yesterday to tell me that he sends his regards. Talk about awkward. And I mean - I want to know who this person is. Or how much he knows about the situation, because it was kinda like he was making an awkward gesture. It was very awkward on the whole. I've decided now that I want to be single going forward. I'm done dating losers. I don't have a problem with random hook ups when I need some loving, but I like being on my own and I'm just going to embrace that and work on my career. I applied for an awesome job at the Oxford University Press as a Production Editor, I hope, hope, hope I get it. It will mean moving to Oxford, but OUP is a dream job, so I'm totes willing to do that. Guys, I just want to curl up in bed and cry a little. Like, sometimes, you just need an ugly cry. 

Love & Hamburg

Xo Xo

OMFuck.

After all that drama with my boss last week, she showed up at my event and now she thinks she can run the show. OMG. Can someone please just high five her... in the face, with a chair? I wish she would fucking leave me alone. Breathe Piggy, just breathe. Just biding my time until I leave the company. Goddamn. I also am in full job search mode at the moment. I've gotta leave the company before they move to Teddington in November. So I have three weeks to try and get a job offer. God, that's abysmal. Anyway, I've applied for like a hundred jobs and since I'm an awesome producer, I think it will be fine. In a very vain kinda way, I love that my job title is 'Producer'. Damn right. I think it's just a fancy name for a project manager of some kind of media...

Just met the cutest boy, he is tall and geeky and a CEO. Swedish - totes beautiful. That aside... I don't have anything to add, except I'm way broke as always. I'm fat - as always. I wasn't even doing well last week and now I'm back not doing well again. Veganism isn't going well this week, since I'm away and I don't think veganism exists in Germany... I think that it is okay to be vegan most of the time, I mean. I don't have any ethical reason for it, so I'm going to work my way up to die hard full on vegan shortly. Boom!

Peace & Love... does this make sense?

Xo Xo

p.s. Love you Sammy <3

All I Can Think Is That I Wish You Were Here...

I'm in Hamburg and I'm a whale, but I can't stop eating... I was meant to be here with the German, but instead we both fucked it up this time. He said he'd never give up on me, but why wouldn't you. Just look at me. All I can think is that I wish you were here. 

Peace & Germans 

Xo Xo

Oh Gurrrrl, if he's over 30 and single - there is a reason why!!

I swear, I may need to get a restraining order or something, because this dude, Ian. Completely freaks me out. Like - he is so weird and creepy. For example, I was telling him that I love iOS7 (#geekmoment) and I told him that it has a compass. His response, you ask? "My mind is a compass." Ya, and everything he says is some kind of weird .... bastardisation of what I had just said. Like a beat poet or something. I don't know. So, yesterday I got into this huge fight with my boss, because I am sick of her micromanaging me, so I was literally in the worst mood ever and I just wanted to get baked and bong-out. Without asking - he brought around some "cabbage", but he didn't want any. Anyway, after some time - like - an hour, I asked him to leave, because he was creeping me out so much. And to be honest, I just didn't feel safe around him. Nonetheless, he asked if he could stay a bit longer... okay (WTF, WTF). Then he asked if he could finish his drink (DAFUQ!?), then he started to look like he was going to fall asleep (GTFO!). So I then asked him if he had any plans for tomorrow, i.e. today and he immediately perked up and we made provisional plans to go ice skating today. And then he was like okay, cool. I'll see you tomorrow. And he left. I swear. to. fuck. I'm going to go outside later today and he's going to fucking be there waiting. He is so creepy. I swear. I need to get the cops on speeddial. He's so creepy. Like he told me that he watches a lot of fantasy gay rape porn. Now - excuse me for being naiive, but wouldn't you fucking maybe think you should a detail like that to yourself for at least the first few weeks that you know someone!? Fo'rils - that shit is just not something you share after knowing someone for three days. Anyway, so obviously I'm going to either cancel or just ignore this guy, lock my doors and keep the cats inside, but ya. Fuck it. That was my Friday night. Bleak that he knows where I live though. Anyway, this brings me to reinforce my previous idea that if he is over 30 and single - there is a fucking good reason why! 

Anyway, day... 5ish or 6 - mission vegan is going well. I'm actually doing really well and I really an enjoying it. Don't know that I'm feeling any healthier, but then again - I'm quite baked. BOOM!

Love & Naan

Xo Xo

A Series Of Crazy Events

You know. Sometimes, I really do believe that my life is actually crazier than most other peoples. I do kinda think that somehow my life is a series of just really random events, crazy people and crazy stories. I mean. The situations I often find myself in amuse me. To the ends of the earth really. I mean - last weekend I met two guys on my way home and ended up getting a dodgy tattoo of a heart on my ribs (not the smartest idea, but what the fuck ever). My latest misadventure was last night. I sold this TV that my friend from South Africa left here with me when he went back and the guy that bought it showed up and he isn't bad looking, age appropriate and as it turns out completely interesting. I started babbling on about something as I tend to do and before I knew it we were drinking vodka and making out. I am fairly certain that he is at least bi-sexual as I made a joke about him being a top or a bottom and he was like. Oh, DEFINITELY a bottom. I was like 'dafuq!?' He wasn't joking. Anyway, so he stayed the night, nothing happened really, we were both very drunk. I dunno, he is also really weird and very intense. I think he is just lonely and without being a total asshole, I'm kinda out of his league. I mean. The fact that I'm an elephant aside. He's 32. God, how sad is it that 32 is age appropriate for me. FUCK MY LIFE. 

Anyway, so I mean. There are a couple of red flags here apart from the fact that he might actually be gay. The first being that he was sectioned a few weeks ago for basically getting fucked up on mushrooms and then wandering around the countryside, getting really ill, hitch hiking back to London and then going psycho - apparently drug-induced psychosis. Apparently. Anyway, so there is that. Then there is also the fact that he is like best buddies with his mother and father. I mean. I don't really like anyone interfering too much in my life. Come on. I moved halfway across the world to get away from my meddling family. So there is that also. Then - he knows a lot of people on crack by the sounds of things. Like, he keeps referring to crackhead friends of his and the fact that they hang out at his place. He obviously doesn't have a lot of friends. Anyway, then he said that he couldn't just let loose, because people really irritate him and in a nut shell. He basically said that he was scared that he would kill someone. I mean. WTF. I know and trust myself enough as a person to make sure that no matter how angry I am with someone, that I wouldn't kill them. I mean - I'm not an angry person, well that's a lie. I am, but I'm not a fucking psycho killer fucking stalker crazy person. Fuck it. Jog on? 

Yeah anyway, there are a lot of things basically about this guy that are crazy. Oh WAIT!! AND THE BEST FUCKING PART, THE BEST. He has already told his mother about me. Oh yeah. Well that being said, of course - I don't give a continental flying fuck if the person is bat shit crazy, because me being me, I'm going to do whatever the fuck I want anyway. And with that in mind, we're going to hang out this weekend. It should be awesome. I'm in Hamburg next week for work on the trip that I was supposed to see the German on. But, I may have neglected to tell you all this - he was seeing someone else on the side. And honestly, I was fucking disgusted. Now I know I'm the worlds hugest hypocrite, but the thought of him with someone else makes me fucking ill. And not only that - I've been down this road before with Roy-I'm-A-Cunt-Face-Loser-Assbag-Whoring-Piece-Of-Shit-Liar, and I just don't have the energy to ever go down that road again. And yes, it did upset me, which is the reason that I'm on this downward binge spiral to hell. But it is what it is and I think that at this point in my life, I am too selfish to give a shit about anything other than myself and my two kitties. So - what the fuck ever. JOG ON!

In other news, I'm day 3 totally vegan - even today - being hungover as SHIT, I managed to stay vegan and the brilliant thing about it is that vegan food, really isn't that great. Like all the good stuff that I love - with the exception of potatoes - I don't wanna eat that much of it, so even though I gave myself license to have a hungover binge - I didn't end up eating too, too much. I mean - I had vegetable curry with rice for lunch, some pasta for dinner, a sandwich and some rice cakes. Really - considering what I can eat in a binge - it's not that much at all and without dairy i.e. cheese and meat in it, it's not even that high in calories. So yeah, veganism is a breeze so far and being the attention whore that I am - I like that I have a bit of an eccentric diet, like Steve Jobs. What would Steve do?

I've been having a weird thought lately about printing off the entire contents of this blog and printing them into a book... Oh some variety. Then deleting all the current posts and starting fresh - same URL, just not branded as a pro-ana blog. I know this is a stupid and ungrateful thing to say, but I get really irritated by getting emails from girls asking me how to be ana/mia. Come on guys, have we learned nothing? An eating disorder is something that I live with - it's part of my life, it's a disease that I have that dictates each and every move that I make. I am not going to encourage you to be sick, anymore than I'm going to encourage you to go have sex without a condom in rural Africa and get AIDS. Again, have we learned nothing?

Love & Drugs

Xo Xo

MIA much?

So I know I've been gone for like... almost three weeks, but basically - you all know the reason why. It's because... *dum, dum, dum* I've been binging. And can you believe it - of course you can - I've gotten enormous. Not only am I not able to control my eating AT ALL, I have been not controlling it by eating copious amounts of takeaways. Go fucking me. Of course. Anyway, so that aside. The fact that I'm huge. I'm in the process of interviewing for a new job, which aside from being totally amazefest and which is going to allow me to be the Steve Jobs I've always wanted to be. For those that don't know - I idolise him. Anyway. Lalala. 

OH and I've also decided to become a vegan, which was... three days ago. Granted today was the first day that I actually did a proper vegan. The stupid thing about it though was of course that I accidentally ate non-vegan things. There really is dairy in everything. Anyway, but I've basically got this cool app which will sort me out, so that I can sort it out. 

I'm far too scared to weigh myself so I'm only going to do that on Friday. Today I have had around... 800 cals I think. I had soup for lunch and then pasta for dinner, which was lovely. 

I can and will get this under control. Yet. Again. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Attention Addict

I had a very interesting conversation with my sister the other day, which wasn't so much a revelation about myself rather than me actually being honest about myself... to myself. Basically, I think I am an attention addict. And before I go into what that actually means for me, I suppose the most obvious place to start is WHY. Firstly, I mean maybe this is a personality trait of all borderlines, but I was a fat kid - not fat, but just being tall and being a bit chubby, it sucked major donkey balls to be this huge hulking person, because let's face it: if you are tall and normal sized, you are still like twice the size of your petite friends and for me - all my friends were petite. As were all the women in my family. An enormous hulking female. This also stemmed from the fact that I felt that my sister got more attention than I did. And more of the kind of attention that I wanted. Girly, pretty attention. I was always the puzzler, the academic. The smart one. The one that was always friends with the boys, but who was never dated by the boys. I think being like that you seem to have some semblance sometimes of how to get attention. Whether it is learning to be super loud (like me) or super intelligent (like me), or super funny (like me) - basically - learning to have other things about yourself be attractive or impressive to people so that at least you can get some kind of attention. To result of this stemming for such a young age is that I had like NO friends in school. Look. Not none. But I wasn't popular. I wasn't good at sport, I was too obnoxious and opinionated. I am a loner and I always have been. So that's how I learned to get attention. Then I learned when I left school that I could get attention by being the awesome drunk party girl and people loved (and still do love) to party with me, because I am a little bit crazy and a lot of fun. I am fun enough to dip your toe into every once and a while, but too crazy for close normal friendships. All of my friends are unique and weird, like me. 

And then you get older and you learn that there are ways that you can get attention which may be slightly more destructive, but they are still really good ways of doing that. Drugs, alcohol, sex. Suicide, cutting, starving. All of these things in one way or another are my manifestation of the kind of person that I want to be. Which is fucking cool. I think I just want to be the girl that everyone likes, that everyone wants to be friends with and who is just the perfect person - smart, tall, thin and awesome generally. Suicide - I can't deal with the embarrassment of failing out of varisty - I can't deal with the shame of losing my perfect boyfriend that I was so happy with - failure doesn't happen to perfect people. Cutting - I feel no pain. This is the pain that is real and I can deal with this pain. I am a rock. Impervious. Starving - because perfect people don't leave footprints. They don't have rolls of fat and they don't have cellulite. They have every single person's attention when they walk into a room, because they are the most amazing and the most beautiful and perfect. 

Losing that attention is the worst kind of humiliation that an attention addict can ever feel, because it says to you constantly: YOU. ARE. NOT. GOOD. ENOUGH. Maybe we all have an obsession with perfection and maybe I am paralised by the fear of not being the absolutely best at absolutely everything. And no, I don't think that this is me being too hard on myself, because the attention that I want is pure admiration, I want people to look at me and go: fuck. She has her shit together. And she looks good doing it. I don't want people to come to my flat, because I am ashamed that it is too small or that they won't think I'm tidy enough or glamourous enough. 

Hi, my name is Fat Piggy and I'm an attention addict. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo