Oh The Fat...

I haven't gained any weight, I haven't lost any weight. I am bloated like a whale and I can't stop eating. I'm starting to get to a really good place with this yoga thing. Like I started my new job - which is fucking amazing btws - I came home absolutely exhausted (not least of which because I seriously overdid it at the climbing gym yesterday, so stiff and sore) and binged on a hundred tortilla wraps and then got into bed. And then, while I was watching Homeland, I just really wanted to do the yoga. So I did and it was grand. I'm climbing again tomorrow. 

The new job is so amazing I can't even tell you. I'm going to San Diego on business in Feb and then to Milan next year sometime, as well as Johannesburg. So all in all. I'm pretty excited. Everyone is super nice and I'm just generally quite happy about it. BOOM! Then I had a mini argument with my sister, because she fucking nags me. She nags and nags like my mother does and it drives me beserk. She doesn't even realise how much like my mother she is. So I shat her out for nagging me about when I'm going to book my ticket back to Cape Town for her wedding. It is like 5 months away, just calm the fuck down. And then she hung up on my on Skype. Fuck it though, I don't need to be nagged. Now I really am going to go to bed... well finish Homeland and then Boardwalk Empire, which is my new thing. A long day tomorrow. 

Yoga & Climbing

Xo Xo

Move Along Kids, Nothing To See Here

Apologies for not posting for the past few days, I've been a junk food vegan since about Wednesday. I.e. loads of processed crap and I'm gross as a result. Although today has been back on track. I started rock climbing yesterday and joined the climbing gym, bought the necessary equipment and am going back tomorrow to train a bit, cuz I've gone and organised a climb for some friends and I when I go back to Cape Town in March as a challenge or goal for myself. Yay me? Also, hopefully it will be a way to meet some new cool people in the gym itself, friends of substance so that I can stick to my non-drinking OcSober ways. 

I'm really quite stiff and I've worked out a training programme for myself which consists of three/four training days a week in the gym, which is going to require going after work. OH and I start my new job on Tuesday, which is awesome ^_^. Anyway, sooooooo... Today my intake wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. I had a soy latte, an orange juice, a tortilla with vegan sausages... and then another tortilla with soy cheese and tomato. In total, I'm guessing it was somewhere around 1000. Great. Time to do my yoga. I didn't do it on Friday or yesterday. Friday, because I got tipsy (and last time I did yoga drunk, I dislocated my knee - and yes, OcSober, I know, I know) and yesterday because I spent five hours climbing. I have nothing to say. Except I am fat. 

Soy & Tortillas

Xo Xo

Heart Melting

Wow, what an amazingly positive response to my last blog. THANKS GUYS! I'm gonna check out the blog links once I've finished writing this post - thanks for leaving them. If you missed the last one, please post links to your blogs in the comments so I can follow. All my favourite people... Sammy, we must make a plan. <3

So the exciting news is that I got a call to say that one of the companies I interviewed for is going to make an offer - I am just waiting on them to get back to me with the terms, SO hopefully that will come through tomorrow, which is very exciting. I will be producing events in California, Cape Town and somewhere in Europe, to be decided. It is quite literally the hugest weight off my shoulders. The hugest. And fuck my old company in the ass! I'm literally going to their biggest competitor and this company is better than that one. So suck it, you whore GINGER BITCH! (i.e. my former boss)

I kinda celebrated today by getting two small bags of crisps and a small portion of fries, despicable I know. But that's all I've had today, so in effect it's not too bad. Yoga'd. It's fabulous. To answer J's question - I think that I am finding veganism as a healthy medium in my functional ED world. It is keeping me slim enough and still helping me to lose weight, but not through starving too much. So I'm still aiming for a lower intake than is recommended, but as long as the weight keeps coming off, I feel less panicked about eating that amount. Through that I suppose, I feel like I'm coming to a place which isn't going to eventually kill me... I mean. I would rather die than be fat, literally. I wouldn't care and I haven't in the past given two flying fucks about my health as long as I am skinny at the end of it. But I think - and it may be too early to tell as I'm only like... two months into vegan - it may actually be a way of saving my body but giving me what I want at the same time. 

This friend of mine, Danny - wants to come over on Friday and spend the day with me. Him and I have known each other for about three years now. And about six months ago he tried to seduce me on his couch, but I turned him down, because quite frankly it is Danny. And I think he may be coming over to try and revisit that... in fact. I know he is. I don't know if this is something I want or if my cockfright is just kicked into overdrive at the moment. I know that at the end of the day - whatever I'm comfortable with etc etc, but I do think that I want it. But I'm trying to stick to my moral direction of stopping fucking around and making bad decisions. God, I certainly do know how to complicate my own life. Fuck it. 

Love & Jobs

Xo Xo

Just Some Shit...

A couple of things that I would like to say in this post... Firstly: Thank you to everyone that reads this. I mean for reals. There is nothing more motivating to me than knowing that my triumphs are acknowledged on this blog. And when people (like Katie on my last post) say things like remembering my story over the last year, or Sam who has been reading this pretty much since day one... I mean it kills me with love. And I love it. Please don't stop reading, I won't stop writing and thanks even more to those that take the time to comment, you are all better than I am. 

Secondly: so many of the blogs that I used to read and have been reading have stopped being written, if you have a blog - please leave it in the comments or send me a link on email, so I can start reading. I love interesting blogs. LOVE LOVE LOVE. 

Thirdly, to answer a question - I've been flirting with veganism for quite some time now and as all ED's will tell you, our food knowledge is fucking exceptional. We have researched every diet, in detail. We are walking calorie counters, we can tell you which celeb did what diet and lost how much weight. So yeah, you could say that I researched veganism before hand. But no more or less than any other diet that I've ever tried or researched. The thing that has struck me about veganism is that when you read literature about a diet, you almost second guess what you're reading, because you're like - yeah right, whatever. I already eat low-cals and I know how that goes, almost as if they can't tell you anything new. Cuz you know it, you've tried it. Veganism has however, entirely surprised me. 

Fourthly, updates about my life. I have something exciting to tell ya'll, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I do tell you. One of those lbs that I lost, I put on this morning, 64.9. Fuck. My. LIFE. HARD. I'm assuming that had something to do with the chips that I had. Fuck it Piggy. Today I had oatmeal, popcorn, a slice of bread with pb&j and lentil thai curry for dinner. Fuck my disgusting self. Probably in the region of 1000. Not great Piggy, not great. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Miraculously...

I still lost 1lb this morning. So I am down to a slightly less disgusting but still completely unacceptable 64.4kg. Today has not been great again, I had three oatmeal crumpets for breakfast this morning, a large bag of crisps and lentil/veggie curry for dinner. So I would imagine that the total is somewhere around 1500. I did my yoga. I can proudly say that I have done 8 of the last 9 days of yoga. Feeling a little bit proud. My weight is still coming down and if it can stick to 1lb per day. It would be great. Let's hope for a loss again tomorrow. I'm sickly fat. Disgustingly fat. I need to just get under 60. I haven't been under 60 in a year now. I need to do it this time, I think with like... the vegan thing it is inevitable that I will get there. How quickly is the question. I'm not allowing myself a non-vegan day in the next week, because last week I had two. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Veganism & Yoga

... seem to go together hand in hand, because for some amazing, yet surprising and strange reason, I am still losing weight even though my intake is enormous. I can't tell you why... I don't really understand it myself. As the previous sentence suggests, my intake today was enormous. I had two smallish oatmeal and nectarine pancakes, a big ass bowl of popcorn and a huge portion oh pad thai, which we all know has peanuts in it and a shiton too. I have been keeping up with my yoga challenge, I have done it everyday this week except Tuesday. So on Tuesday, I had my non vegan day for the week and it was a bit of a dog show, which included amongst other things, beer. But consistently since then I have lost one lb a day... well since Thursday. And I haven't been stingy as you can tell. Let's see what tomorrow brings. I've been trying to be more cognisant of what I've been putting in my body for like health reasons. In terms of salt and caffeine (I mean, we all know me and Monster) so I've started off my days with hot water and lemon, trying not to eat crisps, I mean these are the bane of my life. I just want them all the goddamn time. Anyway, will post a weight tomorrow. 

On the job front, I'll know next week if I get an offer from either company. I'm not convinced that I will get an offer. I'm starting to worry a little bit, so tomorrow I need to sign up with a couple of temp agencies so that I can cover all my bases and make sure that I start working in the next two weeks. Cuz fuck, I'm getting bored. Goddamn. 

Sorry that I have nothing interesting to say. 

Love & Popcorn

Xo Xo

Just SO Many Things...

Not least of which, as always. I am a fat miserable disgusting Piggy. I suppose at the end of the day it is my namesake, so I just need to suck it up and accept what I am. My mantra in life continues to be: Let go or be dragged. I'm letting go of everything and still striving towards happiness. I suppose, although I have decided that I will never truly love someone ever again and as a result of that realisation, I have now decided that dating is futile and the only person in this world that you can rely on is yourself. I suppose that is a bit sad, but at the end of the day, I have known what it was like to be in love and that's just over now. There are more important things. 

My eating is still vegan, although I had a little bit of a slip on Tuesday, mostly because I went to a book signing in Piccadilly Circus and ended up having a few beers, which then led to a whole lot of non-vegan junk food. And then yesterday I was vaguely hungover so I vegan-binged. Granted, it isn't as bad as a normal binge but it was a lot of food. Today hasn't been good either, I mean - not awful. But not great. I have managed to keep up my yoga practice. Three sun salutations per day. I know I'm meant to do then at the beginning of the day, but I've been doing them at the end. I've got two final interviews tomorrow - believe it or not. One for a company dealing in renewables, so I will get to stay in the sector and the other with a bigger corporation. For the second, I'm actually being considered for two different roles. Hey, this time tomorrow, I may have been made an offer. :)

I feel lonely today. Sad Piggy :(

Love & Lethargy

Xo Xo

What I've Learnt About Life Planning

This post is inspired by Katie Elizabeth.

When I look back at what I thought my life was going to be or how it was going to turn out at 18, 21, 24 and even now, I don't think I ever anticipated the things that happened. The fact that I turned out to be a functional bulimic, the fact that I've tried to kill myself twice, getting fired from a job, being too scared to date anyone to a point where I am okay with dying alone and being eaten by my cats. I never could have figured out or planned for any of it. Now, I know that this isn't necessarily any different from the live-in-the-moment schpeal that we are fed on a daily basis from everything, but I suppose my point is that planning often goes wrong. And often what you know about yourself at one point in your life will probably change in a few months time. What I want today, I won't want tomorrow and I have a thousand dreams, ambitions, goals and paths - each and every one of them - I want as badly as I want the others, if I don't achieve all of them, that's also okay. I just want a cause right now, a direction to go in right now and I truly do believe in the power of the universe that I will end up in a happy place. I mean, there is nothing wrong with planning and people probably should plan to a certain extent, but what happens if that doesn't materialise - you are going to devastated with yourself, disappointed and feel like a failure. There's no ambition in having goals like that. What you should probably do is look for short term goal and the long term stuff will happen when they happen. I mean, I'm by no means the kind of person that doesn't plan, in fact I have nothing but plans, loads and loads of them. I couldn't however tell you what my five and ten year life goals are, because I couldn't possibly choose of the thousands and hundreds of millions of options that I have which one I would choose as the focus of my attention. What I can tell you is that when I'm given an opportunity to do something I will choose in that moment and the rest will happen. I dunno... does that make sense? I'm rambling a bit. Right now, I want to get a job that I love and complete my yoga challenge (which I'm going to do right now). So those are my three week goals. Then the next goal I have to go to Thailand or India at the end of the year on holiday. That's about as much as I've got. I'm certainly not without ambition, but what I am is an opportunist and no matter what it is, if someone gives me a chance at awesomeness, I will take it. Bulimia (as a bad example, but an example none the less) gave me the opportunity to be thin and I took it. I may not be the healthiest person alive, but it gave me something that I wanted... It's the decisions that we make. 

Rambling, rambling, rambling. God, sometimes I feel like the preachy mother of this online community - please feel free to tell me to shut the fucking fuck up. 

Love & Opportunities

Xo Xo

Yoga Challenge!

Okay, so the purpose of this post is threefold - the first thing is that i'm still digsuting and fat, however with that being said, I've still managed to stick to my vegan since Wednesday, I think I'm getting in the habit of it. Tomorrow is a family friend's birthday, so I need to be extra vigilant to make sure that I don't cheat. The thing is I suppose that vegan food isn't like super yummy, well most of it, so I'm happy to stick to more normal size portions. Who would've ever thought that veganism would help with my bulimia binges. LOL. Still not ready to post a weight. Will see what it is tomorrow and go from there. Fuck it.

The second thing is that I have decided to yet again start purging friends and I have started with the Polish guy - do you remember him? Basically, he is a fucking user. He seems to think that I am cool and all he ever does is take, take, take. First it is finding out where clubs and bars are for him and his friends to go - do I ever get an invite? No. (Would I go? No, but still.) Then it's making me tour guide for his friends around time and they either arse me around, cancel or try to get in my pants. Fuck. That. Have I mentioned that I am totally off men - call it cock-fright. Whatever. I'll die alone, but at least I won't be disappointed with shitty people anymore. Then it's helping him find another job. It's a thankless job being his friend, but I'm sick of him using me as entertainment. I refuse to have people in my life for the sake of it. 

(In other news, no big. But I have decided to pursue my lifelong dream of fashion. I've bought a sewing machine and I'm going to learn to make clothes. It will just be a hobby, but fuck it. I've always wanted to learn how to make clothes and now I'm finally doing it :). In other, other news, I'm also developing a little OCD habit of keeping my flat clean and spending ages cleaning it. Weird - I'm 26. Fuck it.)

And the third point of this post is about the yoga challenge. Anyone wanna do a yoga challenge with me? So my base goal is to do three sets of sun salutations per day. Basically, I hate exercise, but I don't want to get like curvature of the spine or atrophying muscles, so I'm going to commit to doing this once a day for 30 days. I want to maybe do a little bit more than just the three sets, but for now and for the lazy days, three sets per day. Anyone wanna join? 

That's all really. I mean, it look me about five minutes to do. And while I'm funemployed, I thought it is a great time to develop some healthy grown up habits... well besides the fact that I'm a functional bulimic. Irrelephant!

Peace & Fat

Xo Xo

So Guess What?

I got sacked. No like for reals, I got fired. And the funny thing is that I don't give a continental shit in hell about it. When they told me in the meeting, I just laughed. They told me it wasn't funny. I thought it was so go fuck yourself. I was so excited about this job when I first got it and now... I'm just so relieved that it is over. To celebrate or commiserate the occasion, I decided to fuck Sober October in the ass and I drank a bottle of whiskey and got horrendously drunk and ended up cruising around London with the creepy guy on the back of his motorcycle. He might be creepy, but dudes. It was glorious. I have had two interviews since then and have another one on Monday, so I think all in all, I should be okay for a job in the next few weeks. I hope. If not, I might be homeless Piggy, but it will all be okay. Fuck. I just can't work for other people. I have to try. Steve Jobs got fired. Richard Branson got fired. All the best business peeps have been. So my old work can go fuck themselves. They have missed out on something big and that's just the end of it. 

On Tuesday, I was doing well in terms of my cals and my weight. I had a small bunch of lentils for lunch and them came the bottle of whiskey, but to be fair. I only had the lentils and the whiskey so it wasn't the end of the world. Yesterday, being hungover was a total write-off. I shan't even go into what I ate, but it was disgusting. I have decided to allow myself one non-vegan day a week. Which would've been yesterday. Today I've been good. I had some hummus with gherkins (weird combo I know), soup for lunch, a soy latte (the fucking bitch at the coffee store put normal caramel syryp in instead of sugar free and I was in a hurry to catch my train so I didn't stay to make her make me another one - so too many cals there) and for dinner I had a small amount of pearl barley and lentils with mushrooms and leeks. I have managed to stay under 800 for the day, so mission accomplished. I will post my weight tomorrow.Please don't judge me for being fat and disgusting. 

Piggy out. 

Love & Whiskey

Xo Xo

Intake. That's All

The good thing about having my career hanging by a thread is that I don't want to eat at all. And that I'm just plain pissed off with everything. This translated into a completely effortless, vegan sandwich from pret for lunch (it was between the sandwich or beetroot and horseradish soup - and the soup is something I have recently discovered I hate - 389), soup for dinner (190) and a soy dessert thing (72) for a total of... 651 for the day. I'm still sticking to my goal of 800 cals for the day. Tomorrow is my disciplinary hearing, so let's hope that I won't be unemployed this time tomorrow. I hate my life. 

Hatred & Violence

Xo Xo

Sometimes, Life Just Bites

Basically, my asshole of a boss has taken this fucking conflict resolution as an opportunity to to lie about my performance at work and now I have a fucking disciplinary on Tuesday. Although what she doesn't understand is that once I have had it and basically been cleared of all things performance related, I full intend on laying a complaint against her for making a vexatious allegation against me which potentially could cost me my job. This also counts as gross misconduct and is one of the things they can fire you for. Fuck her. She is not going to fuck up my career just because she is a fucking asshole. 

Weight wise, I've been high for the last three days, so essentially I've been eating like a fucking horse. Today has been better and I did a shit load of walking today and a shit load of housework, so I've had three sugar free energy drinks, half a tandoori roti and the thai curry I'm busy making which consists of oyster mushrooms, leek, broccoli and coconut milk. So my total intake for today is going to be somewhere in the region of like.. 500. 

I've decided that despite only doing Sober October for like... October. That I'm going to stop drinking and allow myself one drunk night a month. I feel better without it, I've got a shitload more done this weekend than usual and life is just generally cheaper that way. If I am going to be able to go on my pilgrimage to India at the end of the year, then I'm going to need to stop spending so much money. 

FUCK LIFE!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Be Kind To Yourself

Today started off fucking miserably! And I'm talking class A misery. Not only did I wake up and I was 1lb up from yesterday even though I didn't have that much to eat and after I literally fought with myself for like - an hour about not going to buy binge food (which I won in the end).. wait let me finish that thought first. So I have realised - you know how they say that cravings last for five minutes - LIES. I have cravings for about an hour. Where I kinda go, I want, I want, I want. It's more of a mental craving I think, than anything else. In addition to being vegan, I have also decided to not drink for October - Sober October, OcSober, whatevs - and I've decided to not eat crisps for October. Because I am addicted to crisps. Anyway, that being said...Today was also shit, because I'm so over work at the moment and the whole interview process with all of these companies is just dragging the fuck on. So that was shitty. 

But I have been thinking of something Sam Lupin said in her one of her comments (<3 <3 <3 <3) which was something along the lines of needing to up my intake for a little bit before I start doing my thang again and it got me to thinking that I need to go back to the basics again. Of learning how to do this. I remember when I started restricting properly I aimed for 800 cals a day. And I didn't beat myself up about if I literally ate 799. You know when you say "I'm only eating 500 cals a day" - what you actually mean is that I'm eating 300 cals a day, because I don't want everyone to see what a Fat Piggy I am. Of course I have more willpower and I can do better than those enormous 500 calories. So when I say 800, I mean 500. So I think I am going to aim to be around 800... and actually mean 800.

I digress, yet again. I digress a fuckload... in general. Honestly, sometimes... *SHUT UP PIGGY* - ANYWAY. So here are my victories for today. The first is my intake - coke light, soup (225), green juice (60?), pot noodles (240) and pistachios (170) for a grand total of 695 for the day - which really is quite alright. VICTORY! I also managed to go to a friends house and NOT eat any of the ton of pasta bake that was on offer, I just sipped my freshly juiced green juice (have you guys noticed the green juice trend - I'm a fucking sucker for a fad - no jokes!) VICTORY! I did not binge today, when I very easily could have bought a shiton of food on the way home and instead bought the noodles and pistachios. WIN! And then my vegan win - the noodles that I bought had chicken flavouring with them and instead of using it (cuz I mean, it was a chicken a really, really long time ago and it's only flavouring), I used thai green curry paste instead. So that's fucking amazefest. SELF-FIVE! 

So, I think that within our own fucked up, ED dominated mess of a world, let's make it our mission today and maybe for tomorrow too to be kind to ourselves. We may fuck up and eat... all the time. But let's consider that we really do try hard and have made it the centre of our lives. I mean, surely we deserve some kind of credit for at least trying. And trying hard. But at the end of the day, we can't help it that we have to eat as a basic human instinct, or that we are designed to need food. So despite the fact that food is just unacceptable - let's be kind today. :)

Peace & Sammy

Xo Xo

And yet still, we battle on.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I know I'm just flat out useless and I feel like I should just fucking give up. I'm never going to be as skinny as my UGW ever again. CRYCRYCRYCRY. I'm just so fucking over the lack of self control that I have. I mean right now for example - all I can think about it going to buy a packet of crisps. The only thing that is stopping me is that I actually did a cheeky weigh in this morning. And lemme tell you, my dearest Piglets. The news - she is NO good. I can't reveal I'm afraid. I can barely stand that I know the number, I just couldn't tell anyone else. It's bad enough that I have to go out in public looking like this... just an average fat girl. Just being average. And fat. Oh look at her pretty hair, pity she's so fat. FUCK. And today, not much better - I had blueberries and zero cal monster (95), beetroot and horseradish soup (122), popcorn *Cry* (138) and then a fucking landslide of veg curry for dinner - granted it was just a lot of coconut milk in there and veggies, but I'm sure it pushed me over 1000. Because why? Because I'm a pathetic hulking mass of a person who is inevitably just a waste of goddamn space. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

**EDIT: In other news - I have decided that my curiosity has finally got the best of me and I want to know what my filthy whore of an ex's fiancee/wife whatever looks like, so I unblocked him on facebook, but alas. There is nothing to look at on it. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker. Fuck you, Roy. Cunt whore.**

Cuz I'm Just A Piggy

... Standing before my fridge, asking it to lock itself. 

I'm still an asshole. I'm still fat. I broke last night and had some crisps and a muffin - so I actually ended my day on like... 1300. Great Piggy, just fucking great - AREN'T YOU!? Still too scared to weigh-in. Today? TODAY!? Not much better. I had a jacket potato with lentils for lunch (Fat Piggy) and then for dinner I had a small portion of butternut, corn and mushroom green curry (which I made myself, so there wasn't anything too bad in it). I'm not sure how much that is, but I'm sure I'm under 1000 for the day. I've been drinking loads of water too, so I'm trying to get it down. I need to get used to not eating so much. 21 days to make or break a habit. So, I just need to go another 20 and a half days before I've broken my disgusting binge eating at night debauch. Anyway, but I bitch and moan and bitch some more. I might weigh in tomorrow, but I'm so scared to. I know that I just need to deal with the scale, but I know what it's going to say. I might wait a few more days. A grown-ass woman scared of a scale. My goodness Piggy, but you are pathetic?

I'm busy interviewing like mad for a new job, although it looks like the one I want is only going to start in January, which means two months of commuting like an animal to the new office location, but let's just see shall we. Doesn't someone want to give me loads of money so that I can go rescue elephants in India - SOMEONE!? I'd make a great socialite, that's for sure. Anyway, thinspo for my beautiful Piglets. Thanks for reading my dribble. 

Love & Lentils

Xo Xo