Cry Or Rant?

I'm not sure which one I'd rather do. So this is what fucking sucks right now - work, my weight, my relationship, my appetite, my skin, my colleagues, the weather, my flat, my lack of clean underwear and my bank balance. I've also just found out that my fat, cottage cheese director who wear trousers that are four sizes too small for her and has the thighs of a large dinosaur is coming on a trip to Johannesburg with me. I'm so pissed off, because it is essentially micro-management and policing 10000 miles away from home. I can only imagine it now - and I have to deal with her AWFUL - and I fucking mean AWFUL - power suits. I mean - who the fuck still wears trouser/blazer combos? And she doesn't wear a stitch of make-up to work, which is totally fine, because neither do I - the only different between her and I is that I am young, have smooth skin (mostly - rich considering I just bitched about it being bad, it is right now - not normally though) AND I don't have nasty mousy brown hair which is frizzy tied in a bun. Literally - the only thing that is good about her is her taste in shoes - WHICH I MIGHT ADD she cannot a fuck walk in. There is this dip in the floor of the office which she routinely falls over - to the extent that she got the maintenance and facilities guys to put red tape over (looks like someone was fucking murdered there). Short, fat, arrogant, unattractive. All on a destination event. I can't even get started on the frizzy-haired logistics manager that started today - I'm talking like - her hair is red feathers. Bad dye job, worse maintenance. Terrible. 

Speaking of hair - I'm going blonde again on Friday which I'm super excited about. I'm getting highlights this time instead of a bleach. I'm pretty damn stoked, but now to get my intake right. 

Today I've had... like. Coffee with sugar/milk (200), one square of chocolate (20), pesto pasta (420) and blueberries (60) - total of 700 for the day. I'll take it. I need to look fabulous for Friday as it is my 4 year anniversary of coming to London (although I did live in South Africa for just over a year in that time), so... we are celebrating and I need to look amazing for then. Viva la STARVATION! 

Earl Grey & Coffee

Xo Xo

Weighed This Morning

And it was fucking terrible, so I shan't be sharing. BUT I PROMISE that I will update my weight on Monday. I can't even face how disgusting I've let myself become. Shit. Sakes. ANYWAY. SO. 

My appraisal went well today. Like no jokes, it wasn't bad at all. There is obviously a list of things that I need to work on, but for the most part it was good and positive. 

Intake for today is like... 800. Coffee, milkshake, chocolate and a salad... I may just eat some pombears, cuz I really feel like a snack. 

I'm so fat. 

Progress & Regression

Xo Xo

I don't really have much to say today - still haven't weighed in obviously. It is likely that I won't weigh until Monday, if I survive the next week that is. I have my annual appraisal at work tomorrow and I am absolutely shitting myself. Like, what if I'm not performing. I mean - fuck it. I don't like criticism. At all. Siiiiiigh. ANYWAY. I'll get over it. I've been hitting my targets mostly. So like. Whatevs. 

I think this boy at work has a crush on me too... like truth me told. AND I KNOW THIS SOUNDS FUCKING SUPERFICIAL. But he is minging. Well, no. Not minging. But he's got a beer belly (NO!!!) and he has the nastiest teeth (NO NO NO, ohhhhhhhhhhh NO!). More over which, he is just not my type. But he is a really nice guy, but minging. My two biggest turn offs - fat and bad teeth. #minging... speaking of boys. David is kinda working on my nerves at the moment, not through any fault of his own, but I just need some space. Some alone time. Like, he was in Prague all weekend and only got back yesterday and don't get me wrong, I did miss him. But I don't know.. I still want to be alone. 

Intake today has been abysmal. I had a ton of maltezers at work and a biscuit (300), coffee with milk and sugar (150), a kiddie shake (70), a lentil salad with dinner (290) for a total of 810 for the day. I was aiming for the 700s, but those FUCKING MALTEZERS! Shows you how quickly the fucking snacks can fuck you over. Siiiiiiigh. 

Tomorrow will be better. 

Hope & Love

Xo Xo

Wanna Know What I've Been Doing?

I've been eating and eating and eating. And then I've eaten some more. I literally got down to a nice weight and then I got stressed smoked a shiton of weed and ate for a week and a half. Baddddd piggy. Hello bulimia - how are you? Shit I forgot how much I love binging and starving myself. Awesome. Just. Awesome. 

Anyway, so today I'm back on it. I've had my weed for the month and now back to being serious. I wander sometimes about the people that have read this blog for ages - I probably didn't need to tell you what I was doing, you probably know. Like when someone disappears off the bloggersphere for long enough, you just KNOW that they've failed. It does, admittedly, take a while to like.. Accept your failure. Yet. Again. 

Anyway, so today I managed to not eat until dinner (only coffee... 150), a baby milkshake thing (70), a mango (200) and potato cakes (502). Yeah, so I can accept that for the day 872. For the first day anyway. Tomorrow, I'm going to aim for 700 cals. 

I shan't weigh for a while still. I'm too afraid. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What A Write Off

I will not binge, I will not binge, I will not binge. I want to binge, I want to binge, I want to binge. Yesterday at the restaurant was a disaster. I weighed 64.3kg today. I'm sure it was just food weight though. Today, I've had about 1000. I'm so fat right now. It's disgusting. Siiiiiiiigh. I just want to binge. I WANT TO BINGE ON CHINESE! Siiiiiigh.

Peace & CHINESE!
Xo Xo

Not Much To Say, EXCEPT...

This morning, MAGICALLY, I weighed in at 63.7kg. Oh. My. Fucking. God. I'm totally fucking happy about this. Like. I wasn't expecting it and I keep expecting to hit a wall. Today so far I've had about 600 cals, but David is coming over now and we are going for dinner. He wants to go for dinner, I just want to have some crackers and be done with it. I want to make sure that I still go gluten free and make sure that I don't have a big main... or keep it as low-cal as possible. FUCK. I'm feeling really anxious about it. I don't want to go for dinner, because I don't want to gain tomorrow, but I don't want to ruin his good mood. ANYWAY. Wish me luck?

Fear & Anxiety

Xo Xo

HOORAY!!

Today has been a generally productive day, all things considered. We had the big company announcement today which details the new restructuring and also who the redundancies were. I am not one of them, although I did find out that due to scheduling conflicts and a trip that I need to take - instead of going to a tradeshow in Las Vegas in October, I'll be running a conference in Johannesburg instead. I am FUCKING BLEAK. I HATE Joburg. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! Anyway, I still have a job and I got a raise, so that's the important thing. 

Today weight-wise - it was awesome. I was 64.3kg. I am ecstatic. Tomorrow, I am hoping to be below 64 - although with the way my body works, it probably won't right? Anyway, today I had a chickpea and avocado salad for lunch... (350?), coffee with milk (2 sugars - 150) and then I had crackers with hummus for dinner (250) and a nectarine (50), so total for the day is about 800. I'll accept. I've got a doctors appointment tomorrow and hopefully I won't have to get any more tests and my period will just cooperate. Let's hope. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Boob Scans, Boyfriends, Besties & FAT FAT FAT

Just the quickest of quick blogs. I'm exhausted. This weekend was full of partying and fun. It was, in summary - absolutely amazing. And I looked reasonably skinny doing it. I was down to 63.1kg on Saturday - but it was post hangover, which means that it was dehydrated hangover weight and then on Saturday, being good with food and no boozing, back up to 64.1kg. A more fair assessment I think. BUT THEN YESTERDAY. We went to the park and ate, ate, ATE. My sister and her husband were here and I literally could die of guilt and empathy for them. They are having such a hard time of moving to London. Her husband is commuting for 6 hours a day (yes, that's right. One more than 5 and one less than 7). I have invited them both to stay here for the weekend and to actually come stay here permanently with me until they find a place of their own. I just want them to not get broken with how shit and difficult it is to move to another country, on top of which. London. It's a hard place to get settled. 

ANYWAY, that aside. Today, I went to the hospital to the Breast Cancer Clinic to have a scan of my breasts (remember, I had a lump). As it turns out, I've got four lumps that aren't actually lumps and just a result of the fact that I don't have a lot of fat on my breasts relative to the amount of glandular tissue - so basically, I am cursed with lumpy breasts, but THEN. I've basically had my period for two weeks and three days - not normal, very annoying and potentially indicative of a bigger problem. So I've got another round of doctors appts starting on Wednesday. It. Fucking. Sucks. 

So then lastly the important bit - today I've been okay - while at the hospital I cracked and had a bag of crisps and a coke light (263), at work I had three coffees with three sugars (one each, 130), two nectarines when I got home (100?) and actual real, honest-to-god mussels (260). Yes people, I ate seafood today. The breast doctor told me that I need to bulk up my iron content because I'm bleeding like a mother fucker today and short of eating high cal massive cups of lentils, I decided on mussels (low in cals, high in iron). It was weird, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't good. ANYWAY - so total for the day is somewhere around 850. I can live with that. I'm really hoping that despite my binge yesterday, I am sub-65. WISH ME LUCK!? I need to be in the 63's by the weekend. Please, oh please. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo