On My Case

Yeah, so today has been good - I've had about... 650 calories? Veggie sausages with tomato ketchup, avocado and rocket salad and tomato lentil soup with like - two cups of low cal hot choc. All in all it's totally good and I'm please with it. I still haven't weighed, because the scale is my motivation to not binge this weekend. And that's what I'm going to do. 

David has been on my case the whole day... I hate that I'm hurting him. I feel like a terrible person. :( Kiss from Lukasz tomorrow potentially, although I think he's off me. I deserve it for what I've done to David. 

Sad & Sucky

Xo Xo

I Spoke Too Soon

David got in touch with me last night and he's having a really hard time with our break-up... as much as it fucking kills me... I just don't want anything to do with him anymore. I think... maybe this is how Roy felt about me - like the JUST. GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE. I mean, fuck. David is messed up. Did Roy not care at all? Was I just a pit stop for him... the way that David was a pitstop for me? Shit balls dudes, it's such a fucking hectic thing to think about. I can see how he'd do the back and forth thing with me, because even while David was falling apart I didn't feel anything except regret. Regret for having hurt him and regret for not having broken up with him before things got the way that they did. He said he had never loved anyone as much as he loves me. Am I Roy in this situation? I think I have to make sure that I don't go further down the Roy-hole and not fuck him around and continue to hurt him the way that Roy hurt me. Fuck, this sucks. 

Anyway, Lukasz is the sweetest thing in the world. He bakes, he plays volleyball, he cuddles like a champ. I am so looking forward to Friday... I'm actually kinda nervous. 

Also, why the fuck is Lady GaGa so chunky these days? Like, is it because she likes it or is it because she's all "born this way" bullshit and feels like she is compelled to be NOT flawless. You know?

I've had about 850 cals today (not great). My win however was that I had a salad at an italian restaurant for a team lunch - insalata tricolore, tomato, leaves, avo and mozzarella (I'm guessing about 500, there was a lot of cheese), two veggie sausages (200) and like 2 cups of low-cal hot choc. Not the worst day known to mankind, but hoping for a smooth 700 tomorrow. Haven't weighed. My goal is to behave this weekend and weigh on Monday somewhere around 67. Here's to hoping. I can't be fat if Lukasz is going to see me naked - 'na'd I mean. 

Love & Oh-Oh-Oh

Xo Xo

And I'm Back (AND SINGLE!)

Sorry for the overly long absence. The travelling has been really instance and at the end of it all, I am now fucking exhausted. So let me start at the beginning. David and I broke up. It was really awful and he cried like a little girl. I ended up faking being upset about it and then used that as more of an excuse to cut him out of my life - I blocked him on facebook, whatsapp and on my phone. I have been so much happier since we broke up, not having this weight on my shoulders... him just annoying me and bringing me down all the time, since he seemed to have a talent for bringing out the worst in me! Wait... hang on. That was after Atlantic City and before I went to South Africa (which I got back from on Saturday). ANYWAY, so. Then on Friday after David left (I was already drunk, I was downing vodka to make David crying seem less appalling than it was, but no jokes folks - men sobbing like little school girls is INTENSE!), so anyway, I texted Lukasz (who is this friend of mine that I kinda know through Monika and who was that guy that randomly showed up at my house a few weeks ago, when I was all like - this dude has a crush on me and then Monika said he didn't!) to ask him if he wanted to drink like students. He told me he was in Poland and then I took the liberty of asking him if he liked me... Like FOR FUCK SAKES PIGGY!? Why do you have to go straight there!? ANYWAY, so now the cats out of the bag. Of course a few days later I got on a plane to go to South Africa.

Before I did however, I made the dumb fucking mistake of telling Monika, or rather showing her the texts from Lukasz. Now Monika and Lukasz are really good friends. They even boned a few once, although apparently he stopped it half way through and then told me a few weeks ago, it was because he values her too much as a friend. I mean basically, he's just the nicest guy in the world. ANYWAY - so Monika kicked off because he didn't tell her and that he lied and blah blah blah and basically created the world's HUGEST FUCKING DRAMA out of nothing. In a weird way, I know what she means, because a few years ago this actually happened with Monika where I was boning this guy Ben, and then they started dating. Payback's a BITCH, mother fucker! So now that is all sorted out and he fetched me from the airport on Saturday. Then we went for the longest breakfast and just sat and chatted for ages. Now hear me when I tell you this, he reminds me of Roy. We get along the same way Roy and I do... OMG.

BUT THEN! Drama strikes! At breakfast on Saturday, we made tentative plans that he would make Monika and I dinner - but then didn't get back to me about it after I told him Monika had refused not wanting to the third wheel (like, fair e-fucking-nough!). So basically at 8pm on Saturday, I had decided FUCK HIM and went out on the piss with Monika which ended up being all kinds of fun. Then on Sunday, nothing. Not a word from him. He texted Monika, but not me... and then my borderline moment kicked in and I basically went a little bit apeshit on him.

As it transpired, he had got embarrassingly drunk at his bosses place watching the football and had left his phone at his house. He sent me a fb message at 10pm and then to my horror, read my whatsapp the next morning when his phone got returned. To. My. Horror. Because then he got to see what a fucking psycho I was. I was ADAMANT that I wasn't interested in him and that it is better this way, because anyone remotely the same as Roy can only be a disaster. Then I apologised for being a psycho and HE APOLOGISED for (not) ignoring me. Like WTF IS GOING ON!? I acted like a psychotic bitch and he's apologising to me!? WTF?!
\
So basically, long story short... I have been single for a week and a half... and I already have a crush. Who likes me as much as I like him. We are going to a party together on Friday for Halloween, which I am going as Dead Riding Hood. Hopefully, HOPEFULLY it will be amazing! Hopefully, I'll get a kiss. I'm not ready to jump into bed with him yet... mostly because I am nauseatingly fat and disgusting. Restricting hard girls, restricting hard. He is as MANOREXIC as Roy was, so I've got tons of motivation to get back down to 60. Everytime I see myself in the mirror, I keep reminding myself that it will take months and I need to work hard everyday and not give up - because getting down to 60 will take at least another 4 months. 4 months. 4 months.

So that's my little story. I've had 800 cals today. It's okay.

Peace & Crush Songs
Xo Xo

iForget

This is going to sound so fucked up - but I have really missed the joy that comes out of restricting. I had such a huge rant a few weeks ago about how sick I was of binging and starving and weighing and failing. BUTTTT, the past few days I've been restricting and it's felt really good. I am still not weighing... I haven't weighed in absolute weeks, but my clothes still feel good. I dunno... I know it takes about two or three weeks to stop thinking about food as much... or how missing meals stops being a big deal. So yeah, relearning some good bad behaviours. 

Today I had soup (210), veggie sausages (200), avocado salad (110), coffee/tea and hot choc (200), so 720 for the day - I can live with that. :)

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Well That Failed

So my plans for a 700 calorie plan day went totally to shit when I had a baked potato with beans for lunch... and then two pudding cups (95 cals each)... so basically I've had about 1200/1300 calories for today. I don't have the heart to count, but at least it wasn't binge-a-riffic so I suppose not all is lost. I will be single soon so I need to prepare. 

I'm so done with David, this is completely unsalvageable - I just need to actually break up with him - I want a man... A grown up mature man that can take me out for dinner... or who would cook me dinner. I want to be looked after. I mean - I'm not saying that I need a man with money or that I care about anything like that, but I want to not always have to be in control. I know I'm a domineering person, but people can stick up to me - all my goddamn friends do. Fuck. I just need to figure this out. 

*sigh*

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Back 2 Basics

I've been completely out of control so as of today, I'm back to old-style restricting. The holiday was quite nice, but I feel that I am completely losing control of my eating and I can't have that. Today I've had about 1000 cals, which is far too much, but tomorrow will be 700. There's sand on my keyboard... they have started laying a patio outside in the garden which has translated into a sand apocalypse in my house courtesy of my two sandmules... a.k.a cats. 

Atlantic City was awful. What a sad place - I mean, yes - it's a total dump, but it tells a very sad story about how the economy of the US has completely failed the city. Crack heads, junkies, hobos. Poverty and despair all around. I was shocked to see how the inner Philadelphia becomes slums on the outskirts of the city and how the poverty stretches well beyond the city borders. What is the government doing to protect the poor? Nothing. England knows nothing about poverty. 

I'm off to Johannesburg in a week, so the fat will continue if I don't close ranks. I will close ranks. I've got my meals planned for the week and now I just need to stick to it. I can do it. Did you know that your body goes into ketosis on less than 600 calories? Good, innit. That's gonna be my goal. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

So Whaaaat's Happening

I'm so tired. -_-

So, SO TIRED! Basically, I'm leaving for Atlantic City on Sunday and not only am I fat and disgusting, yet getting more toned, BUT I'm also fat. My clothes kinda fit funny and I bought the most stunning skirt from Zara which is so snug - I need to lose some before Tuesday next week. I can't work out past Saturday till the next Thursday. I want to try and see if our hotel has a gym - this could help me... I just checked and it does have a gym - THANK GOD! They better have kettlebells. I haven't missed a workout yet - I won't be able to work out tomorrow, so I'm going to do today - which will be the third time this week, which is good. I'm pleased that it's been a month and I've stuck to it. :) 

I'm having problems with David too - I don't know if we're going to work out. He's just... too much. I don't know if it's my stress levels which make it too much - but it's too much. 

This is a waste of a post. Sorry. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo