Will The ED Thoughts Ever Leave?

I'm not sure if the ED thoughts will ever stop... In a lot of ways going on this Kayla Itsines journey has been good for me, because it has helped me to stop the catastrophic thinking and getting completely off the wagon. I mean, I eat three balanced, smallish meals per day about 1200 cals max, I don't have many starving days at the moment (for the first time in years), but. The question that has been rolling around in my head is whether the ED thoughts will ever stop. I mean - to me, this is just another way of achieving the skinny look that is so beautiful. I will get strong and then I will be muscley and lean. Drop the calories a little more, obsessively eat clean food, no drinking and smoking. Is this any different? I suppose it's healthy in a body context, but we all know that the disease of an ED is more of a mental risk than a physical one... so... is it better? One obsession for another. Will it ever stop... I don't think so. 

I leave for San Diego in two days. I will not go off track while I'm there. Salads for me. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

*scream cry* PIG!

I feel like a pig.
After all I am a fat piggy.
Nothing will ever change.
I may as well give up.

Pig. Pig.
Xo Xo

2600 Calories

... Is what I ate today and I'm only mildly disgusted with myself. It isn't that bad since I did do a 16 mile hike today which equates to about 1440 calories burnt. So like, it's kinda okay. It's kinda not okay. And tomorrow is leg day, and I have worked out consecutively for 8 days now. I'm just so tired and still fat. Still not seeing much in the way of results, apparently it takes a month. So I managed to meet my goal for this week of getting all my cardio done. My goal for this next week is to get my diet onto a track of perfect cleanness, this week let's hope. But then I am flying to San Diego on Saturday. My goal is to do cardio on Sunday (which is superbowl) and have Saturday as my rest day. Three weeks finished, only 9 more to go.

What a ramble. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

P.s. please try to not to be too disgusted with me. :(  

Skinny Fitspo

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Diet & The Exercise

So just a quick update - I've stuck to the exercise programme this week religiously and tomorrow I'm going to try and do a LISS session tomorrow anyway (Low Intensity Steady State) and then a 13 mile hike on Sunday, but that will be a chilled one, but still at 90 calories per hour - 1170 calories burned in one workout, which is excellent, so I'm going to have burned tons on Sunday. My diet hasn't been spot on, but I watched the BBC Horizon special on what diet is really right for you (if you haven't seen it then you MUST SEE IT - it's basically like the science of why people over eat, REALLY REALLY INTERESTING!). Okay, I'm digressing - catastrophic thinking - is the thing I wanted to mention. It is something that they talk about in the documentary and it is very relevant to not only the obesity convo, but also the way that we think about what happens when we cheat. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT PIGGY, JESUS! Okay so what happens when we cheat our diets, we think - oh god, I've done it, I may as well go COMPLETELY off the rails, because I'm already off the rails. I've written posts about this before, when it rains, it pours. This is something that was mentioned on this documentary and it was called 'catastrophic thinking' so regarding my diet, I did 3 bad things - 1 on each day this week, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - all three were eating a snack that was too high in calories and pushed me up from around 1000 cals to 1500 cals. But, having watched that piece on BBC, I was like, yes this is done, but it isn't an excuse to have a large bag of crisps, a chinese takeaway, a slab of chocolate, milkshake and miscellaneous carbs. 

Progress, slow and steady. I feel like this programme is helping me get over some of my ED stuff. I'm hoping for a weightloss on Monday when I weigh. Today, I had a cheat meal which was enormously high in calories, but I did also do my full body workout for the day. 

*QUICK NOTE, IF YOU ASKED ME FOR THE KAYLA ITSINES PROGRAMME AND I HAVEN'T SENT IT TO YOU, WON'T YOU ASK ME AGAIN? I WANT TO SHARE THE LOVE!!*

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I Win, I Lose

This 12-week bikini body challenge HAS TO WORK. This is what fucking happens if it doesn't *queue thought process*: See, you've fucked your metabolism, no matter what you can't be healthy and skinny, the only way to get skinny is to starve, you DEFINITELY can't eat more than 1000 cals a day, fat bitch, right so you haven't been eating that much and you still aren't losing, let's go on an apple fast, no I can't go on an apple fast, I'll fall asleep at work, but the GUIDE ISN'T FUCKING WORKING, hard work and dedication mean nothing, unless you're starving yourself,you will NEVER have a bikini body.

>> IT JUST HAS TO WORK.

I've been clean with my diet all week so far, okay it's only Tuesday. So this is the third day in a row. I got up this morning before work and did 35 mins of cardio = power walk, 5km, 240 cals burnt. I'm going to try and get up early tomorrow and do abs and arms.

This just has to work. I hope that there is a loss on the scale soon. *But you're gaining muscle - doesn't. fucking. cut. it. anymore. as an excuse. FUCK YOU!!!!!*

I'm about the snap, can you tell?

Love & Insanity
Xo Xo

Ana Always Knows Better

So here's the thing. I've been doing Kayla Itsines for two weeks now and there is not one bleeding pound difference in my weight or any kind of streamlining in my physical appearance despite eating a diet that I hate (leading to a binge on both weekends that I've been following it) and doing workouts which I wouldn't say that I hate, but I wouldn't say that I love them either. The short of it is essentially that now I need to half my calories, up the cardio and do this the way that I know works. Staring. Ana, always knows best. Unfortunately, fat piggies like myself do not have the luxary of eating 1200 calories a day and losing weight. So starve, starve, starve, binge, starve, binge, starve is the way that my life will always be. 

That being said, today I've had 700 calories, I walked for 9.5km (540 calories burnt) and did the week 2&4 full body workout. My goal for this week is to do 2 morning LISS (Low instensity steady state) cardio sessions and to NOT binge on Friday night. A little motivation: my friend who was always chubby while I was the 'hot' one (I've only known her since my ED has flared up... i.e. the last 4 years) is now at her goal weight of about 100lbs (she is tiny though height wise). So I am going to go to sleep by 11pm tonight so that I can get up at 6.30 and go for a 35 minute brisk walk/run. 

Yes. We. Can. Ana will always win. Ana always knows. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

P.S. Oh ja, I'm not pregnant *fucking streamers* - good, because I'm obviously NOT preggo, but bad, because then it does mean that the only reason I'm not losing weight is because I'm a tub of lard. Great. 

To Say, To Say

Nothing to say... I'm still trying my damndest to eat clean this week... The problem is however, that I don't actually know what constitutes eating clean. I still have had a couple of cracker breads (24 cal each) and instant weight watchers hot chocolate - I NEED SOME KIND OF SWEET THING IN THIS VEGGIE DIET - and also yoghurt. But is this clean? I dunno. Anyway, I haven't missed a workout yet. I mean, I'm not great with the cardio, but it's only walking which I do at least 30 minutes of in my daily routine, so whether this makes a difference I don't know. I will join a gym at the end of the month, because I need to get ready for High Intensity Interval Training. Which starts towards the end of February. Fun. ANYWAY. 

Work is boring me to tears at the moment, I have been looking around for other jobs. I will however only move if it's the right opportunity. I found a job opening with a trade association, so let's see how that goes. I will of course miss the travelling of my current job. Ya, fuck. Life, hey. 

65 days to Thailand. I weighed myself on Monday after I'd drank a ton of tea and stuff and it wasn't good. I'm going to try not, it's hard though. Everything I know about my progress is linked to the scale. I know that if it's bad though, I'll just binge because I'm not worth it and blah, blah blah. Blahhhh blah. BLAH. Blah. BLAAAAAH. We know how this merry-go-round works. 

Love & ABS! 

Xo Xo

Starting Week 2

So today marks the beginning of week 2 of Kayla Itsines (for those that commented on my post about this a recently, I will send the books tomorrow - things have been a bit busy!) and it's...er... it's going. Last week was fucking miserable - I was in the worst mood in the world. Fat, fat, fat. And yeah, just the worst mood. I definitely netted less than 1000 on every day that I did it and then on Friday and Saturday I went over... way over. No, lies. It was crazy binges, but it was high. Yesterday was fine. Today my intake was around 1100, but I did a lower body and cardio work out. So I'm sure it's below 1000. To be honest, I'm not losing weight. I'm sure though if I just persevere something will eventually happen right? Anyway, I WILL BE POSITIVE!! 

I'm hurting all over. I am irritated that I'm just as fat as I was last week, my belly looks enormous. (MAYBE I'M PREGNANT!! Take a test, Piggy...) Yeah, so. I dunno. The plus side is that I don't feel as miserable as I did last week, the whole like... getting up earlier to make food is getting easier. The working out is made possible courtesy of all the thinspo (fitspo?) on instagram. I WANT TO BE STRONG AND SKINNY. And I'm determined to finish 12 weeks. The goal for this week is clean eating. No cheating. All the way till Sunday. 

I haven't had booze since the 2nd or cigarettes. I will do this. I'm so fat though :( 

Fat & Fat (but somehow, upBEAT!)

Xo Xo

Pig Party

Things in my life have become a little bit upsetting... Really just two things in particular. The first is work - I had a complete mental breakdown at work with my boss on Friday. To be fair, I had fair reason to be upset, not least of which because the MD of the company was asking me questions in this completely pointless meeting that we had (3 of them in fact) and then as soon as I'd open my mouth to answer she'd cut me off and start talking about something else - IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT I HAVE TO SAY, WHY ASK ME IN THE FIRST PLACE? Anyway, so now I have to go back to work tomorrow and deal with it. I was just too upset on Friday to say anything meaningful about it. YAY fun Monday, fun. Monday.

The second reason I'm totally upset is because my fat friend from CPT has completely given up on Kayla Itsines. We committed to doing this together. She did half of the first workout and hasn't done one since. She did two days of nutrition and at this very minute as we speak, she is sitting in a bar in Cape Town drinking pints of beer and eating beans and rice with deep fried bread. I'm so sick of her bitching about her weight and the fact that she is alone and can't get men, besides the fat, desperate ones because of how she looks. NOT ONLY THAT, but she is a pig party (NOW please excuse me if you don't know what a pig party is, but I was told this by a TWAT OF A MAN a few weeks ago - we all know what it is, but I'll just be the one to tell you - basically at the end of a night, the only girls left in the club are the fat, ugly ones and so you shag them, because all you have left is a pig party - it's awful I know, but this is what I was told). Now, my poor friend is a pig party - she has gone on 5/6 tinder dates, they have all fucked her and all never called her again. Pig party. :( I used to be the pig at the pig party... I know how it goes. Besides the fact that she is in that whole situation, she is also fucking killing herself. She is going to die alone at 35 and I need to accept that I can do absolutely nothing to save her. How tragic. 

Love & Blues

Xo XO

How Can You Tell?

Yeah, so I just finished/am finishing Day 3 of Kayla Itsines... and I have spent the last two days in what can only be described as misery with a side order of agony. To start things off, I discovered that if you skip the snacks on her nutrition program, you will end up with a calorie count of roughly 800 - 1200. Which is obviously excellent considering this is considered a 'healthy' regime. Secondly, her workouts are not for pussys. Let me put it to you thus: I can't walk up stairs, I chose to stand on the tube this morning because sitting down and standing up was too painful, AND I haven't had tea in two days, because it involves bending over for milk = too. fucking. painful. My ass is in bits. Now, I appreciate that this is probably a combination of the MILLIONS of squats that I did and snowboarding on Sunday, but man-oh-man. I'm in pain. I just finished the abs and arms workout. I can't do a push up to save my life. I have a feeling this pain level may go on for a few weeks. *it's only 12 weeks* ANYWAY, so that's 3 days on the trot. I'm hoping I can go for a short run tomorrow morning... well. A short walk. In fact, I don't mind the walking... I quite like it. As long as I have a good playlist. Let's see what time I wake up. I'm planning on weighing on Sunday. And a progress pic every week. 

SO, I sent the ebooks to all that asked. I'm really fucking sorry it took so long, I seem to have forgotten my password so can only access it on my phone. HAVE YOU EVER FUCKING TRIED TO ATTACH A FILE ON AN iPHONE? NO? It's impossible. My friend from South Africa has already bailed on the plan. I'm really mad with her, because we were supposed to do it together. I just want her to succeed, because she is fucking massive (and not ana massive, like proper society massive - my guess about 110kg?) and she's given up and she's either going to have to marry a fattie or die alone. Both as bad as the other. Awful. 

ANYWAY. 

Love & Success to all

Xo Xo

p.s. I should probably mention that my mood has been foul - which I believe to be a sideeffect of the new diet and exercise. I hope it doesn't last, my brain is a sieve. 

Kayla Itsines - Are You In?

When I was waiting for my flight in Dublin airport last week Friday, I stumbled across Kayla Itsines Instagram page... oh. my. god. How have I never heard of this miracle worker before? Then to my amazement and surprise, she had a challenge which started in 3 days... all I needed to do was get the ebooks and commit to 12 weeks of hardcore grafting and according to her blog, I could have the bikini body that I've always wanted. 

So I asked my bestie to join me... she is my overweight friend from Cape Town who I love and adore, but whom I am worried will drop dead of a heart attack at 35. I took to facebook and got 3 more friends involved. So here I am. Instagram kayla_itsines and look at the results for yourself. It's only 12 weeks. 

Now let  me tell you - the diet is super strict and more cals than any of us are used to (I'm going to cut out the snacks to lower the cal count mind you, but do the clean eating in the correct portion sizes) - today I've had 703 cals. 

I also did the first day of the workout, I thought I was going to pass out. I don't have all the equipment. I quit smoking, I am not drinking till after the 12 weeks. Fuck, this will be intense, it's only 12 weeks and I've got nothing to lose. The workout was fucking tough though, let me tell you. 

Drop me an email and I'll send you through the ebooks for Kayla Itsines for free - it's a nutrition guide and the 12 week workout plan. #thekaylamovement is only for 12 weeks, the results speak for themselves and until it doesn't work after I've given it my 100%, I shan't doubt it. 

74 days to Thailand, which means my last week will be in Thailand, but I am determined to give this 100% for 12 weeks. It's only 12 weeks... 

Who's in?

Love & BBG

Xo Xo

p.s. No fucking regrets.