Finally, One Good Day

So I haven't weighed myself in a really long time (like a week) because I've been bad. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow to see just how bad it has gotten. Basically, I'm going to commit to not binging and eating clean until NYE - there will be pictures - and Christmas. I'm going to try to not go overboard on Christmas though. 

Anyway, I am being paid tomorrow allegedly - I can't fucking wait to feel human again... To get my hair done... a manicure. God, I can't wait. SO anyway, today I've had about 550 calories. I'm hoping that when I weigh in tomorrow it will be below 70kg. COME ON REF! 

Thanks for the supportive, lovely, beautiful comments over the last few weeks. Y'all are still probably the only people in my lonely life that I don't fucking hate. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Is Just Doesn't Get Any Better

I still have not been paid for my contract. So I have effectively been waiting for payment and broke on my ass for three weeks now. Monday apparently is when it will happen, although who actually knows, because this company seems determined to play silly buggers with me. Now, the thing about it is that I have been sitting at home and doing nothing, because I'm too broke to go out. All I want is a landslide of soy lattes and a manicure. It's all I want. Here's to hoping that Monday will be the day. Fuck. Sticks. 

In other news, it also means that I am pathetic about Colbey - although, he seems to do the very thing that Roy did, which was not pay me enough attention. When we are together it's great and when we aren't I don't hear from him. I saw him on Wednesday, texted him on Thursday to say I got the job - to which he responded and I literally did not hear from him until this afternoon at midday. Two solid days of no communication. And here I go demonising him again. 

It makes me paranoid and angry. I don't want to be paranoid and angry. When he is back from Australia I will need to have a chat to him about it again, before I start  fucking going mental like I did with Roy, starving and cutting, eventually trying to kill myself. To get attention. No, no. NEVER AGAIN. I promised myself never again, and if he can't pull his socks up and give me more attention then we must end this now. I don't think I'm super needy, but he can't not communicate with me for two fucking days. He is supposed to be my goddamn boyfriend. 

My life is pathetic, I will eventually do something other than speak to Colbey. I just want a fucking manicure. PAY ME COMPANY, PAY ME!! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

CONFESSION! I Am A Demoniser

I am a demoniser. I demonise people. This goes hand in hand with the fact that I am hopelessly cynical and I think everyone is out to fuck me over and that no one really and truly cares. Colbey is leaving for Australia on Saturday morning for three weeks. We aren't serious enough that I will see him on Friday night because he wants to pack and I won't get in the way. But he got a new tattoo in Hammersmith yesterday... and was meant to come round to mine yesterday afterwards. 

In my mind, he's been sketchy with me since Sunday. In my mind, I'm a horrible bitchy person that no one would ever love. In my mind, him not constantly texting me means that he doesn't like me that much. So when it got to 8pm yesterday and I hadn't heard from him. I started losing my shit. I talked myself down though. I told myself that he was ghosting. I told myself that he was just your run of the mill asshole, I told myself that he didn't care. I sent him a message (lying) about turning down plans to see him. It was all I said. He called me back 7 minutes later. Thank FUCK I talked myself out of saying anything else. 

He apologised and said I shouldn't have turned down my fictional plans. I said that I wanted to see him, but if it was too much effort and it was late that he didn't have to come. He said that he was going to see me before he left and that he had planned on coming over then, but that he had only just finished at the tattoo place (he started at 5pm and it was a big tattoo). He said that he would obviously make a plan to see me if not then. I felt like an asshole. I do this so much. SO MUCH, where I jump to the worst possible conclusion and every single time I am proven wrong by Colbey. He is a good guy. He likes me. I need to chill the fuck out. 

After almost a week of bad eating, my weight this morning wasn't terrible. I am going to weigh in tomorrow as my true weight. I am determined to be 67 by the end of the month and I have two weeks to get there. 

I won't see Colbey till the 10th of January and I want to make sure I look good when he gets back. 

Monika and I are no longer friends. She is a fucking psychopath for reasons that I won't get into because frankly it's a relief that she is not in my life anymore and wasting effort on typing it out is just not floating my boat right now. 

ALSO, I don't think I mentioned that I interviewed for a very high profile job... yesterday was my final interview and... I got it. I am officially managing billionaires from the beginning of January. Well subject to the contract. I will tell you all a bit more it when it's more final. 

Are you a demoniser?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Trust No One

I had a fight with Monika today. Again. And hear me when I say, that this is the end of the road for her and I. She's horrible, bitter and mean. The worst thing is that she is a close friend who I have watched become gradually more pessimistic and mean towards her life. Today, I cracked. You know the people who - when you ask them to do something with you, there is always a condition attached? Like - yes, I'll go, but XYZ. So she's been doing that recently. And I tried to tell her why I would prefer her to just say no rather than give me a condition. That it makes me feel small and unimportant when she does that. I think she thinks it was funny. So yeah, screw her. 

I am also feeling exceptionally insecure about Colbey - you know when you're like - there is no way a man like that could like a girl like me. He's definitely going to get rid of me soon. 

The thing is. Everyone is self-serving. You can't trust anyone. Everyone will desert you in the end. The thing that I hate the most about my family is that they contribute nothing to my life. I have no home, nothing to go home to - they haven't given me any support in years. I guess, I haven't given them any support either. I don't have a family home that I can go back to at Christmas, no bedroom filled with memories of my teenage years. No parents or family that I have memories with. My family have all moved on and it's sad. I am a cloud floating around in the world. I think it's over with my family and I. I have no one to pick me up when I fall. I am literally an island. Alone in this world with no one to hold me up. 

All of my friends use me as entertainment. I am loud Keran. The loud one who gets too drunk and who makes all the jokes. Colbey will leave me too eventually. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't form long term bonds with people. Maybe it is my insecurities that are the problem. It's bad vibes that I'm putting out into the universe and my expectations are being met with reality. The reality that nothing lasts and I have nothing. 

Maybe, I am doomed to be alone. 

Loneliness & Peace

Xo Xo

Bad Weekend

This weekend was bad as far as eating goes... I binged on Friday and then drank red wine with Colbey at his flat on Friday night till the wee hours. So as far as that is concerned - he lives in a very grown up (enormous) flat in the countryside, he has a million manproducts and he has beautiful clean linen. He is an actual adult. Which makes me feel completely inadequate. My resolution for 2016 is to get my shit together, move into a grown up flat and actually act like a fucking grown up. Suck it up and stop being so pathetic. 

Then on Saturday, I was hungover and binged. Sunday, I just binged for shits and giggles and now today I'm back on it. 

I still haven't been paid. It's been a month since they had the invoice. I'm fucking poor, I just want to get paid so I can get my shit together and do some happy things with Colbey before he leaves for Australia on Saturday morning. Sad. Makes me sad. 

Anyway, I just need to suck it up and do what I've been doing for the last month, poor and penniless. Take it one day at a time and try not to have a fucking meltdown. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

December Mini-Goal

So here's the jam. 

By the end of December I want to have hit my GW2: 67.0kg flat. 

As of this morning I weigh 69.7kg, which serves me right for Sunday and Monday eating shit. I'm hoping that I'll be back into the 68's tomorrow. 

I'm being reminded of some things at the moment... Some things about my life in Cape Town. I don't really know why... 

Tonight, Monika managed to swing us some VIP tickets for Mumford & Sons at the O2. She came round for dinner last night and despite my protests, I had a couple glasses of white wine and ate a bit too much of the wholewheat pesto pasta that I made for us. Good work, little pig. *No wonder you're at the weight you are today*

I need to be smaller tomorrow because I'm seeing Colbey. You know. I know I was drunk when I said it to him on Sunday, but I do actually think I'm at least a little bit in love with him. I just want him all the time. I need to chill my slacks. 

From next weekend, Colbey is going to Australia to see his family. Seeing his brother in law who he probably won't see before he dies (did I mention, his brother has brain tumours and will be dead in a few months-  I don't even know how to begin to deal with this!). And he is back on the 10th of January. So ja, it's gonna be a test to see if like.. yeah. I know he's seeing his ex in Australia - he told me that. I don't mind if he does. I trust him. 

And IF it's all going alright when he gets back then I'm going to tell David about it in person. I don't want him to find out from elsewhere. I know he'll be upset, but I think it's the right thing to do. 

God guys, I'm really sorry. I'll stop talking about Colbey at some point. 

I'm thinking of doing a VLOG - what dyou guys think? Would you be interested in seeing this face? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Questions

What is your name?

Keran 

What are you called?

Kez/Kezza

What do you want people to call you?

Nothing - It really freaks me out when I hear people say my name. 

What are you doing right now?

Procrastinating about work - the story of my life. 

What would you like to be doing right now?

Eating. I want to eat all the time. 

What are you wearing right now?

A pair of black slouchy pants and a pink and grey jersey. 

What have you done today?

I caught up on emails, washed dishes and had breakfast (oatmeal and tea).

What has been the best part of your day?

Discovering a video on my phone of Colbey and myself at Winter Wonderland on Sunday night singing out hearts out to Oasis, Wonderwall. 

What has been the worst part of your day?

Seeing my double chin in that video. 

Describe your perfect day.

Waking up next to a warm body, breakfast in bed (in a world when calories don't count), feeling skinny and going shopping - topping the day with a crazy night out, because: Hi, my name is Keran and I like to party. 

Look to your right,  what's there?

Gremlin - my cat. He always, always lies close to me. He's a bit codependent. 

Left or right handed?

Left. 

What does the perfect man mean to you?

Ride or die, partner in crime and someone who always has my back.

What does the word "perfect" mean to you?

It doesn't mean anything to me, because things that are perfect don't exist and things that purport to be perfect can go fuck themselves. 

What's your favorite season?

Summer. I love the feeling of sunshine on my skin and warm nights... being outdoors.

Favorite holiday?

Halloween.

Describe the perfect outfit

An oversized tshirt, leggings, cowboy ankle boots and a leather jacket.

Choose something from fashion to get rid of and save the public from.

Anything denim that is not jeans. 

Talking about fashion, what's your favorite store?

Probably H&M? I really don't like anything branded or with logos on it. I like clothing that is plain, no prints and H&M fits the bill most of the time. Zara is a close second. 

Favorite item of clothing you own?

I could never pick a favourite child. :p

Favorite outfit you've ever had?

I change my mind loads. Most of the outfits that I love are because I had a good time wearing it. 

Favorite clothing item on a man?

A pair of well fitting jeans. Sexy. Man. Ass. 

Describe something on a man you like to have

What does this question even mean... I wish I could have their height. I mean - I'm tall, but I'd love to be taller. 

What would be the perfect gift for you?

A plane ticket.

Worst gift you ever got?

My grandmother is a big fan of practical gifts. Every year the family would get together - all 17 grandkids, six families... My sister and I were the oldest and while all the kids were getting new phones and bicycles and stuff - her and I got a vanity box full of personal care products i.e. shampoo, conditioner, body cream. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GRAN!

Coke or Fanta?

Coke, forever and always.

Chocolate or sour candy?

Chocolate, forever and always.

Salad or McDonald's?

McDonald's. Don't even care.

Evening out or at home?

Evening out. I love to party. I love drinking and being drunk. 

Sex without love or love without sex?

Neither, I don't believe I have to compromise for relationships and would rather be alone than do so.

Money or love?

Love - I am a hopeless romantic.

Train or bus?

Train. I FUCKING HATE MOTHER FUCKING BUSES.

This blog,  Instagram, or Twitter?

Instagram, I'm obsessed. Then this blog, then twitter. Actually, fuck twitter. 

TV or computer?

Computer. I can watch TV on my laptop.

The Notebook or Fast and Furious?

Fast and Furious. I don't watch rom coms or romantic dramas or whatever, because I think they are unrealistic and misleading. 

Craziest drunk story?

Jesus. Read this blog. My life is a crazy drunk story, although it was probably... shit. Probably one of my festival stories, or one of my New Years stories, or one of my travel stories. 

Most embarrassing drunk story?

Again, how much time do you have? I'm a terribly embarassing drunk although my recent run in with Roy at a festival probably ranks up there. 

Who is your best friend?

Gremlin. My cat. And I have three close girlfriends who I love to death.

Something that scares you?

I am totally claustrophobic, to the extent that I get panicky if I see footage of people in caves or tight spaces.

A beautiful sentence that caught your eye?

Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret. 

Tell a joke

Knock, knock. 

Who's there?

To. 

To who?

No, no. It's to whom. 

Your best high school memory?

I fucking hated highshool. Every single moment of it. Fuck highschool. 

The funniest thing to happen in high school?

My best friend, Kyle (who is still one of my closest friends) once threw a dirtbin over my head and then pulled up my skirt. I was SO angry, but I couldn't stop laughing. Good thing, I worn respectable knickers that day. 

Something you wish you would have done differently in high school?

I would've not tried so hard to fit in. Because it was pointless as I never did.

Something you want to do that you've never done?

Skydive and base jump. I'm petrified of heights, but I like feeling like I'm completely out of control. 

Three things on your to do list?

Send out my laundry. 

Buy batteries

Catch up on reading.

Favorite scene from a movie or TV show?

From Mulan! "Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?? Let me hear you say aaahhhhhhh" *squeal* I love that movie. 

Three things about you that no one knows?

I'm South African, but I have an American accent. 

I have a poem published in an anthology of poems (when I was 15, entitled Love... the irony)

I only lost my virginity when I was 21. (Yep, that's right. 21.) 

You Wouldn't Fucken Believe It

So, you wouldn't fucking believe it. I don't even believe it. As I write this... I'm like. Ja fuck.

Anyway, so on Sunday - yesterday - I went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park with Monika and Colbey. Yes, Colbey did in fact show up. The three of us hung out for a bit and then Monika left at about six. Then Colbey and I got ratchett drunk - and needless to say, we had the best time, because we always do. We danced and drank heavily. And ran around and sang with some Italian people in the middle of Hyde Park. We acted like total idiots and played around. Literally I had the best time. 

Then we came back here and kept drinking. And THEN. Fuck. And then. It's really painful to even talk about this. There were "I'm in love with you"s being thrown around. And that we are together. It was just so intense. I'm freaked out. In the world that I live in - I don't get what I want - I don't get the men that I think are right for me. FUCK. Anyway, so guess I have a boyfriend now? Three months after David. 

I have to tell David. No, no. I'm not going to tell David until after Christmas. When Colbey comes back from Australia. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I like him as much as I did like Roy. 

This is dangerous. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

DaFUQ?

I got my period... again!? What the fuck. I got it like a week and a half ago - it finished and now it's back? I missed a pill - maybe that's why? But dafuq!? And I feel all bloaty about it too. And I gained 100g between yesterday and today. 

Yesterday I had probably about 900 calories, but I did go to the Museum and British Library - according to my pedometer I did 12000 steps. So that's positive and I didn't cheat or binge. Which I'm thankful for. 

Today, I'm going to Winter Wonderland later today with Monika - because I bailed on our movie last night. I'm going to invite Colbey, who said he'd come, but my bet is that he is going to be too hungover so will flake. I'm anticipating being let down by him. Because like I said - he treats me like crap and I'm pathetic, etc etc.

I'm going to try not to binge today. I am definitely not going binge. NOT GOING TO BINGE! NOT. GOING. TO. BINGE. Also not going to drink. I think I'm going to have a cheat meal today though, because I haven't cheated since last week Sunday. I want to see if I can find just a meat based meal or something that is as close to clean as I can find. 

I'm taking the lead set by Lolita and I'm going to set December mini-goals. First of which is that I won't gain. But I'm going to do a weigh in and measurement tomorrow morning to see where I am and then have a mini-goal set. *STAY TUNED* 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Time To Get Moving

So my sleeping patterns have been way off for the past few weeks. I have been either sleeping all day and up all night, or as I am at the moment. I sleep from about 7pm to 3am and then am awake. I aim to stay awake till at least 10pm, but it hasn't happened yet. Again this happened this morning. 

First thing - down to brass tax - I weighed in at 68.8kg this morning! YAYYYYYYYY!!! I'm so fucking stoked. Danger zone however: Today is Saturday. I'm meant to meet a friend for coffee today (my lattes are like 150 cals) and I'm meant to be going out tonight. I don't want to drink though. Or smoke. I haven't smoked in three weeks today and I want to keep it going. And the booze - well. We know why boozers can't be skinny right? 

So today is the challenge, because I really don't want to gain tomorrow. SO, my plan is to keep myself busy today. I'm going to go to the Natural History Museum for the time it opens i.e. 10am (it's now 8am). There is a virtual reality, David Attenborough thing on (AND I'm well obsessed with him). So I'm going to do that. There is also an almost complete stegosaurus at the museum (named Sarah), which I have wanted to see in forever. Yes, I have lived in London for 3 and a half years and have not been to the museum with the dinosaurs in it. I.D.I.O.T. 

So the walking will be good. The not being home and bored will be good. The not being tempted by all the foods will be good. AND hopefully. I will ensure therefore that I do not gain any weight tomorrow and by the end of next week I will be at 67kg. I'm not counting on it though, because I've been very lucky this week with my losses and it has to end at some point right?

Here we go. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo 

Well, Fuck Me.

So good news: I'm now down to 69.1kg (152.3lbs) - so I am not going to have a cheat day until I'm at 67kg. Because, I don't want to binge... *wait* WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT!? I don't plan to binge. I'm yeah. No. I'm getting to 67kg as soon as possible. I don't think I'll have a loss three days in a row. So I probably will gain tomorrow. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I plan to have some homemade sweet potato fries for dinner and then that's it. 

So bad news: I'm hopelessly obsessed with Colbey again. He came round last night and it just kinda picked up... and his friend that was staying with him has gone back to the ski resorts so now selfishly I kinda feel like I've got him to myself. Even though I don't. He admitted to being on Tinder. I also saw him get a message on Tinder while he was here. But I mean. We were done. And now I don't know what we are... I'm making a point to be more emotionally available. Actually tell him what I want. But as I said. We saw each other yesterday for the first time since... well three weeks. So yeah, who knows. God, I'm so sorry guys. I know it's awful that I bleat on about him. I promise I will try not to... 

Here's to being in the 68's tomorrow!! :D :D 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

To Say, To Say

I have nothing to say.

Instead, I am going to bleat on about my miserable financial situation. Which is miserable. I have had to borrow money yet again from my friend to pay my rent. I'm going to spend yet another weekend locked in my flat pretending that my life is not as sad as it actually it. I thought I was going to be paid today, as it turns out it won't be. It may be tomorrow. It may be next week - who knows? 

I was so miserable about my financial situation that I cancelled my booty call with Colbey, which was just as well, because I didn't lose any weight yesterday and that also totally bleaked me out to the extent that I drugged myself asleep by midday and only woke up this morning at 4am. Only after I ate about 700 calories. 

I am seeing Colbey tonight however, because I still want him. God, that makes me pathetic right? He treats me like shit and I still want him. I just really like him and I think in my attempt to make sure that no one gets close enough to hurt me, I convince myself that I don't like him. I do, I ruined it. He treats me like I'm nothing and I still want him. I'm pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic, but I am. 

Anyway, I also went for a 45 minute walk because I feel so pathetic. The plan is to not eat anything else today - I have had like 370 calories - two apples and some oatmeal. Hoping that I will still be below 70kgs tomorrow. 

Here's to the next goal: 67kgs! BOOM!

Bleating & Complaining

Xo Xo

Goal!

I just weighed at 69.8kg which means that I am officially below my first goal line. And down 5.2kg (11lbs) since I rededicated. STOKED!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Can I Get Back Into Bed Now?

I have successfully managed to not binge today although it does feel like I have. You know when you eat enough low calorie food and it just feels like TOO much? Yep. So I've had about 750 cals today: 6 low cal sausages, 2 apples and an egg. So yeah. Here's to hoping that I get below my milestone tomorrow. Hoping and praying. 

Colbey is coming over tomorrow for... well, I guess it's a booty call. I have given up hope with him. I fucked it up, there is no way that he wants anything more than sex. But I think I have accepted that fact. Just rolling with it. I guess... I don't think I want to play these man games anymore. No dating. Nothing. I can be alone, preoccupied. With myself. And until I can get back down to 58 - the way I should be - I need to focus on that. And then focus on being that modelly looking girl that I used to be. 

Fun. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So Close To A Milestone

Fuck, well I am losing, just ever so slowly. You know when you watch weightloss programs or you read about it on those 'healthy weightloss' sites, they say it is healthy to lose about 1kg a week. I hate it SO FUCKING MUCH, because yes, you can accelerate this by starving (if you're ano), but if you're mia like me, it goes up and down - binge and purge - BOO! 

Anyway, so I'm on track for about that loss, slightly more. I'm down to 70.1kg. Which is 4.9kgs down in four weeks. 

My first milestone is breaking 70. SO FUCK TO THE FUCKKKKKK YEAH. After that the next milestone is breaking 67. 

I feel like I may be able to get my old self back who didn't feel like a fat piece of lard all the time. 

Boom! 

Peace & Luck

Xo Xo