Spoons, Monday.

When I was in Morocco, I got an email from the old lady that I rehomed our family cat with. She couldn't keep him saying he was too much of a hassle. Yesterday, we went to collect him - I have never in my life felt so much guilt. The cat was emaciated - my instinct about her being too old to look after the cat turned out to be entirely founded. He is painfully, painfully thin. I cried. A lot. So after we fetched him, we took him to his new home which is in Redhill with a lovely lady and her 18 year old son, two grand children. I think he will be happy there. I hope. I will go check in on him, soon. 

I ran out of spoons really early in the day (spoons being a finite number of emotional spoons that you get in one day and if you give those spoons away to various things, you run out of them) - and on top of which I was on two hours of sleep with a MAMMOTH hangover. 

I've been eating like crap all weekend, so need to have a very light day today and will weigh tomorrow. 

I am still exhausted and emotionally in turmoil over this weekend, it was made slightly better by the presence of a certain person who I have purposefully not mentioned yet, because yes - I know I talk about boys a lot. 

This one is a little bit special, I have no reservations about him as a person. He is however away a lot, I'm not sure at this stage if we can make it work - we also haven't um... *cough* yet, so that could be a dealbreaker. Anyway, he gets back from climbing in the US next week (been away for a week, I was away before that, he was away before that so haven't seen him since the 13th - isn't that weird... anyway, I'm excited about it. I'll tell you guys more when there's more to tell. But it's been ongoing since I was in New York. 

I am changing my hair this week and I'm super duper excited. For those who follow me on Instagram @keranberan - you will know my hair is currently platinum blonde and a weird grown out bob cut, I'm going ombré (so i can stop dying it, because if I keep on doing root bleaches my hair will be gone by the time in 50) and then going to cut it all off again. 

A haircut is as good as a holiday. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

The Patriarchy Will Fall

News, news, news. There isn't much to be fair. I'm down to 64.1kg - that's excellent news. As I mentioned, I felt so damn fat in Morocco, it's amazing what a couple days of restricting can do. So I'm a few weeks, I can definitely be down to sub-62. It's a never-ending cycle I know. I want to be sub-60, but let's see. Not obsessing. Chilling and not starving. Been aiming for around 1000 cals a day. 

There isn't really much else going on right now, nothing of significance. The old lady who took my family cat, Mau has decided he's too much work for her so wants to give him back. She's an asshole, but the silver lining is that at least she's contacted me first. But now, I'm not sure if she's changed her mind or died - she's stopped replying to messages about me fetching him. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't seem to understand that he needs to be played with or yes, he will be destructive - cats aren't ornamental. Well, my cats are - he's not. 

This situation has kicked up a whole family argument, because none of my family are even bothering to help me beyond trying to find a shelter for him - I'm sorry, but my cat is NOT going to a shelter. So that's stressful. 

Work is also hella stressful, but it's all chilled. 

There is a beautiful 22 year old American who I met in Morocco, who is all up in this, but he's way too young. It's a nice distraction, but it literally is like a generational difference - very young and naive. 

I'm meant to be having dinner tomorrow with some guy I met in New York, who is visiting London. He thought I worked in the fashion industry though and obviously is a perpetuator of the patriarchy, if those are the kinds of girls he's into (please note - I don't care if you're into the reinforcement of the patriarchy, I don't go on dates with these types) - so I might cancel. 

On the patriarchy note, I have decided that I need to detox my life from all of the things that reinforce this. One of these things is to stop concerning myself with what I wear - looking pretty and feminine. I'll do butch as much as I damn please. I've also decided to stop watching vapid celebrity reality tv - Kanye West's wife is who I mean. No more philosophical oppression from America and holiday. I'm sure most of you don't really get what I mean here, but understand that our society is built on patriarchal expectation and how this affects our identity as women. It's a whole thing. And I really believe it. I don't entirely live my life without a patriarchal influence, but I want to be as aware of this as I can be. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! 

London has gotten a bit cold and winter is on it's way. I love this time of year as the city gears up for Christmas... for those who haven't been here, Christmas time is magical in London. I can't wait. (But then the gloom and doom of January/February sets in and the cheer goes tits up.) 

Cats & Happiness 

Xo Xo

The Patriarchy Will Fall

News, news, news. There isn't much to be fair. I'm down to 64.1kg - that's excellent news. As I mentioned, I felt so damn fat in Morocco, it's amazing what a couple days of restricting can do. So I'm a few weeks, I can definitely be down to sub-62. It's a never-ending cycle I know. I want to be sub-60, but let's see. Not obsessing. Chilling and not starving. Been aiming for around 1000 cals a day. 

There isn't really much else going on right now, nothing of significance. The old lady who took my family cat, Mau has decided he's too much work for her so wants to give him back. She's an asshole, but the silver lining is that at least she's contacted me first. But now, I'm not sure if she's changed her mind or died - she's stopped replying to messages about me fetching him. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't seem to understand that he needs to be played with or yes, he will be destructive - cats aren't ornamental. Well, my cats are - he's not. 

This situation has kicked up a whole family argument, because none of my family are even bothering to help me beyond trying to find a shelter for him - I'm sorry, but my cat is NOT going to a shelter. So that's stressful. 

Work is also hella stressful, but it's all chilled. 

There is a beautiful 22 year old American who I met in Morocco, who is all up in this, but he's way too young. It's a nice distraction, but it literally is like a generational difference - very young and naive. 

I'm meant to be having dinner tomorrow with some guy I met in New York, who is visiting London. He thought I worked in the fashion industry though and obviously is a perpetuator of the patriarchy, if those are the kinds of girls he's into (please note - I don't care if you're into the reinforcement of the patriarchy, I don't go on dates with these types) - so I might cancel. 

On the patriarchy note, I have decided that I need to detox my life from all of the things that reinforce this. One of these things is to stop concerning myself with what I wear - looking pretty and feminine. I'll do butch as much as I damn please. I've also decided to stop watching vapid celebrity reality tv - Kanye West's wife is who I mean. No more philosophical oppression from America and holiday. I'm sure most of you don't really get what I mean here, but understand that our society is built on patriarchal expectation and how this affects our identity as women. It's a whole thing. And I really believe it. I don't entirely live my life without a patriarchal influence, but I want to be as aware of this as I can be. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! 

London has gotten a bit cold and winter is on it's way. I love this time of year as the city gears up for Christmas... for those who haven't been here, Christmas time is magical in London. I can't wait. (But then the gloom and doom of January/February sets in and the cheer goes tits up.) 

Cats & Happiness 

Xo Xo

Morocco

I just got back from Marrakesh, Morocco - well, I got back yesterday. What an AMAZING place, if you are keen to get over there, I would strongly encourage it. I stayed in a Riad, which is a house that is centred around a courtyard, this is a typical style of house in Marrakesh. What you should be picturing right now is Agraba, i.e. Aladdin. 

I did however have a relatively calm time there for a couple of different reasons - the first is that I was pretty much stoned the entire time that I was there. Hash is cheap and very readily available - I didn't buy any, but the guys that were hanging around in the hostel Riad had it, so I naturally gravitated towards this. 

The second reason is because I felt fat and bloated the entire time that I was there. I got my period for the first time in months - my body typically will bring flow to visit just as I am about to go away, thanks Piggy. This also meant that I shied away from all of the partying and boys, because I felt like a mammoth cow. There were a couple of 22 year olds who were hitting on me, but I refrained. 

I have also decided that I need to change my life a bit, I need to refocus on the things that are important and get rid of the deadweight. This is going to be in practice a few friends, and in theory this will also be my own obsessions with clothing, celebrity gossip and general superficial and materialistic pursuits. I am going to start a volunteering curation point, where people will be able to go to find out information on topical human rights issues and where they can tangibly go to find volunteering opportunities. I will write more on this later, because I am still figuring this out. It won't be an entrepreneurial pursuit, but a striving to be a better person pursuit. 

I was overwhelmed when I came home from Morocco, the people that I had met and just generally the fun that I had was immense. I need to find out a way of working from home so that I can travel around the world. Surely there must be a way of doing this... surely. 

Anyway, follow me on instagram to see pics and to see how fat I am. I suspect my weight is around 65kg - I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow so will be able to gauge how bad it is then. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Pain Au Fuck-You

Yesterday, a colleague (awesome Irish chica) was telling me all about this secret blog she wants to start to document her shit - I obviously told her about this blog and kinda all about it - I mean, it's been five years now? I probably have gone completely off piste at times talking about way more than just the eating disorder stuff that I started this blog for, although. It has been a constant for me in a lot of ways. The eating disorder. 

I went out with a friend last night - not someone I know very well though and we got onto the eating disorder piece. It's difficult to explain to people who don't understand, especially if you use the word functional alongside it. He seemed to think that the obsessiveness of calorie counting could never be functional. To me, comments like that just ignore how normal that kind of behaviour is for people like us - ingrained. And honestly, I don't think it's quite as time consuming as the way that obsessive gym freaks and nutrition nazis do it. 

One of the things weirdly that came up twice yesterday from two different people, this friend of mine being one, is pastries. I have never eaten a Cinnabon, a cinnamon roll, a danish, a pain au chocolate, a pain au anything for that matter. The most I've ever had is a croissant (which I love). And I don't have any intention of ever eating pastries. It's a scary food for me, as is cake. And I'd prefer to rather stay away from it than develop a taste for it and then want it. I dunno, scary foods... I know I'm not the only one with these things... 

Anyway, in a long roundabout way. Everyone who reads this is awesome and I've known some of you from the very beginning and you're fucking awesome. You know who you are... 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Ketosis My Life

Yes, yes, yes. I haven't blogged in like three weeks - I am SORRY! Mostly, this is because September was a crazy, busy month which damn nearly killed me. I had another conference to run in London and as a result I was absolutely dead. Also, being very broke after New York (read: fat), I just went into hiding. 

Well, I didn't exactly hide. I went glamping for a friends ten year wedding anniversary, and besides the actual glamping being a fucking winner, it also made me realise whilst watching all of my coupled friends, that I have some serious work to do on learning to compromise before I will ever be able to be in a long term relationship and as a bottom line - I am just a shit girlfriend to people. Anyway, so after my bad decisions in New York and this new found revelation after glamping, I've decided not to sleep around anymore and work on becoming a better partner for someone. (Not that I live my life for any man, but no man is an island after all.) 

Anyway, so I ended things officially in person with the Italian, I'm not gonna use him anymore when he actually likes me. It's not fair to his poor simple soul. He's a good man. I'm also still in the process of sorting my masters out for next January, so that is also ongoing. 

I guess the only thing worth mentioning otherwise is that I've been fat since New York - there was food weight one day of over 67kg - disgusting. It is crazy how easy it is to let things slip. Anyway, that is under control now. And I'm back down to 64.4kg. I'm off to Morocco in about ten days for a week, so I'd like to be back in the 62s by the time I leave. So if I can get sub-64 by Monday, then next week is just 2kgs to get down. 

Question to the ED community - do you find that when you restrict, it takes about two weeks and then you just start to get into the groove, weight comes off small but consistently and your body adjusts to the calories and food types? I wonder if this is some form of ketosis. I read somewhere that if you have less than 1000 calories a day, your body goes into ketosis. But I'm not sure if that's a real thing. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo