Fucking Period

Yesterday I weighed 68.1kg. But my period started. Yesterday I ate about 1300 calories plus a yoga session and today I'm 68.5kg. Period. Fuck. 

But today, I'm determined to not overdo it. Go to yoga and ride the period wave out. 

I will be in the 67s this week. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Vibing In A Positive Way

Today was positive. The scale said 68.4kg - which is excellent. I'm hoping I will be in the 67's by the end of the week, but I got my period and felt super bloaty by the start of yoga today - so fucking tits. Fucking tits. 

I have had about 1200 calories today, which isn't great - BUT I did an hour of flow class, which is about 400 cals burnt... allegedly. I also fucking kicked my yoga teacher in the face. Y'all don't believe me when I say I've got limbs that go on for days. Like, they are disproportionate. 

AND the big highlight of the day is that I fucking resigned. They weren't surprised, which fucking sucked. So here's the thing - this bitch fired me four years ago. She should've taken my side and she didn't. Now, me - being the vengeful person that I am wanted to go full psycho on her and kick some ass - tell her exactly what was up - but NO! Mutha fucker, nooooooo. She said she was "happy for me" and "what a great opportunity" - how the shit am I meant to be a bitch to her when she's all nice to me. SHE ROBBED ME OF MY CATHARSIS! 

... that aside, I'm incredibly happy that I don't have to deal with this company anymore. They asked me to work my notice, which is fine. I'm going to "work remotely" for a week next month and bugger off to the continent for a Eurotrip - I'm thinking I'm going to start in Talinn and end in Warsaw - OR start in Berlin and end in Vienna. Cuz fuccccck it. 

Anyway, so today was a good day. I'm praying for a nice (any) loss tomorrow, but who knows. I've started taking B12, because apparently vegans don't get this on a plant based diet and allegedly it helps with the metabolism, so I'm hoping it will go nuts and I'll get super skinny, super fast. Here's to hoping. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

I sometimes just don't think that people without anxiety quite understand how completely debilitating it is or can be. In particular, social anxiety is one of the things that I struggle with the most (general anxiety also).  I have been reading a few posts of my fellow bloggers and thought that I'd say a few words about it, because social anxiety is a complete fucker. 

So I thought I'd write about a few of the scenarios which have been or are normally aggravated by my anxiety.

Normal meetings and interviews: I will literally spend hours (and I mean hours) dissecting what I have said to people in meetings or interviews. Going over each line and then agonising over something that I said or didn't say. Like even the smallest thing or bad joke will get me to face palm and just stress about how they must think I'm a complete idiot. If it's a job interview, I will attach myself to the tiniest thing that I may have said and just go - yup, that's why I am definitely not getting this job. 

Similarly, if I have a meeting or interview coming up - particularly if it's one which might be stern or serious, I will rehearse constantly. 

If I've had an argument with someone, I will not be able to sleep for I am so anxious. A few years ago, the day that I went on a two week break over Christmas, my company had our Christmas party and I got cornered at the party by a group of women who accused me of spreading a rumour about the finance director having an affair with one of the sales guys. I definitely didn't do it intentionally, but had made a flippant sarcastic joke in the pub a few weeks earlier when they were hugging each other goodbye - innocently, but taken the wrong way. I apologised and it was all fine. Over the Christmas break, I was a fucking wreck, because I had convinced myself that I was going to get disciplinary action over the event and get fired. I wasn't. It was never spoken about again, but it ruined my Christmas. 

A few months ago, I went to my regular Sunday night yoga class and the teacher wanted us to do supported handstands in groups of two or three, which required 1) getting into groups and 2) interacting with strangers on a relatively intimate level i.e. touching each other. I freaked out and ran out of the room to go "to the bathroom". I came back and they were still working in groups, so I got my things and I left. There was NO way that I was going to actually do that - what if I smelt bad, or I was heavy? What if I did it wrong? What if they thought I was bad at yoga? What if they were better than me? Too much anxiety and I left. (This scenario has happened to me a lot - in different forms.) 

When I join a group of people for whatever reason, I freak out. Do they like me? They don't like me? They're looking at my double chin. They must think I'm so fat. They must hate my accent. WHY DID I SAY THAT? God, I must sound like such an idiot. What if they don't like me? I'm not gonna go because they don't like me. 

Sound familiar?

69.3kg today. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I Am So Over Starving Myself

... but it's the only way I know how to lose weight quickly. Us ED types know that losing a pound a week is just not enough. 

My weight is gross, my eating habits are uncontrolled. I've been telling myself that I don't want to starve myself and that I can do this the 'normal' way by correcting my diet and exercising. But I just end up eating too much during the day and then I fail at night, because I'm like - well this extra 1000 calories isn't going to make a difference, so give me that jar of peanut butter. 

Today, I'm gonna aim for 800 calories. 

Thus far, I've had a small tortilla (122), a tiny avocado (100), free from cheese (50?) and a nectarine (63) and that's a total of 335 cals. I'm going to have a cup of coffee now with soy milk and then that's it till dinner. For dinner, I think I'll have the same tortilla wrap. 

This has been the most fabulously lazy weekend, I've done nothing. And my flat is kinda clean, so I don't even have to worry too much about sorting that out either. I may do some laundry now. 

A bit later, I've got yoga and I'm doing a double class - an hour and a half of normal and then an hour of restorative, which is almost better than sex. 

I'm meant to be video chatting with Chris later, but I just don't feel mentally like I'm in a place where I want to speak to him. So I might skip that. 

(Thank you Mandy for your comment, <3)

Loving & Loveliness

Xo Xo

A Triumphant Return... Sorta

So - where the fuck have I been? 

It's been three months... almost four since I last blogged. I bet y'all thought that I pulled a houdini like the rest of our online blog babes. 

Things have been happening and not happening. So I suspect this is going to be quite long. 

Chris and I have completely fallen apart. Like Roy, him and I are now engaged in this incredibly toxic on again off again weirdness which is just not good for either of us. But the stark truth of the matter is that I just love him so goddamn much. And I'm sure for all of you out there who have been with someone forever who is more of a soulmate, a 'one' you'll know why this is so hard to walk away from. 

Now I don't believe in soulmate, I think there are a million people out there for me. He however is one of the exceptional ones. 

Are there any military wives/girlfriends out there? 

It all fell apart when he went into training for his current job. It's like he switched off and although I logically know how he feels about me and that there is affection there, there is just no warmth or affection. I need warmth. And this is how it feel apart, because the lack of warmth has driven me to the very edge of my sanity. He knows it, I know it. After 10 months which granted have not been us being together he still does not say that he loves me. I think he's scared of what it would mean to love me, but what I feel from him is love. I am aware that this sounds delusional. I think it's a military thing, but I am completely ill-equipped to deal with it. 

Aside from this, I've been living it up as far as being 'single' and have been doing my traveling thing. Since I last blogged I have been to Bulgaria (lame), Romania (epic) and Israel (TOTALLY EPIC) - check out my instagram: @mynameisKeran. (Also cuz you'll get to see what I'm like in real life.)

So yoga - I'm still doing yoga, I still love yoga, I do it a fair amount, I'm getting strong and flexible (my arms are fucking lit). Do yoga, everyone should do yoga. 

I'm also vegan - I can't justify what the industry does to animals and the planet. 

Work - my company got acquired by the company that fired me four years ago (do you remember? Read here.) - and now I am reporting to the very same woman that fired me. My world literally went into tail spin. That happened about a month ago. The good news is that she/the boss has been super chilled about all of it and leaving me alone. So I've just been getting on with my own thing and because the company has flexible working, I've been working from home a lot and generally just laying really low. 

The most positive thing about it all is that I was made an offer by a tech company to set up their content marketing offering, so I am no longer going to be in event production. I am officially as of the end of August going to be a techhead. This is obviously really exciting. It does mean practically that I won't be traveling anymore for work, but it does mean that I will have more broad experience and come this time next year when I want to go remote so I can live wherever I want, I should be able to do just that. 

And I mean, that's kinda it for now. 

Oh... my weight. 69.8kg. It's disgusting. But a lot of that has to do with the stress of what's been happening with work and Chris. I am hoping to see Chris when he's back here on leave in a couple of months and I need to drop 5kgs before then. I'm already working on it. *watch this space*. 

Fat Forever & Optimistic

Xo Xo