Intake. That's All

The good thing about having my career hanging by a thread is that I don't want to eat at all. And that I'm just plain pissed off with everything. This translated into a completely effortless, vegan sandwich from pret for lunch (it was between the sandwich or beetroot and horseradish soup - and the soup is something I have recently discovered I hate - 389), soup for dinner (190) and a soy dessert thing (72) for a total of... 651 for the day. I'm still sticking to my goal of 800 cals for the day. Tomorrow is my disciplinary hearing, so let's hope that I won't be unemployed this time tomorrow. I hate my life. 

Hatred & Violence

Xo Xo

Sometimes, Life Just Bites

Basically, my asshole of a boss has taken this fucking conflict resolution as an opportunity to to lie about my performance at work and now I have a fucking disciplinary on Tuesday. Although what she doesn't understand is that once I have had it and basically been cleared of all things performance related, I full intend on laying a complaint against her for making a vexatious allegation against me which potentially could cost me my job. This also counts as gross misconduct and is one of the things they can fire you for. Fuck her. She is not going to fuck up my career just because she is a fucking asshole. 

Weight wise, I've been high for the last three days, so essentially I've been eating like a fucking horse. Today has been better and I did a shit load of walking today and a shit load of housework, so I've had three sugar free energy drinks, half a tandoori roti and the thai curry I'm busy making which consists of oyster mushrooms, leek, broccoli and coconut milk. So my total intake for today is going to be somewhere in the region of like.. 500. 

I've decided that despite only doing Sober October for like... October. That I'm going to stop drinking and allow myself one drunk night a month. I feel better without it, I've got a shitload more done this weekend than usual and life is just generally cheaper that way. If I am going to be able to go on my pilgrimage to India at the end of the year, then I'm going to need to stop spending so much money. 

FUCK LIFE!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Be Kind To Yourself

Today started off fucking miserably! And I'm talking class A misery. Not only did I wake up and I was 1lb up from yesterday even though I didn't have that much to eat and after I literally fought with myself for like - an hour about not going to buy binge food (which I won in the end).. wait let me finish that thought first. So I have realised - you know how they say that cravings last for five minutes - LIES. I have cravings for about an hour. Where I kinda go, I want, I want, I want. It's more of a mental craving I think, than anything else. In addition to being vegan, I have also decided to not drink for October - Sober October, OcSober, whatevs - and I've decided to not eat crisps for October. Because I am addicted to crisps. Anyway, that being said...Today was also shit, because I'm so over work at the moment and the whole interview process with all of these companies is just dragging the fuck on. So that was shitty. 

But I have been thinking of something Sam Lupin said in her one of her comments (<3 <3 <3 <3) which was something along the lines of needing to up my intake for a little bit before I start doing my thang again and it got me to thinking that I need to go back to the basics again. Of learning how to do this. I remember when I started restricting properly I aimed for 800 cals a day. And I didn't beat myself up about if I literally ate 799. You know when you say "I'm only eating 500 cals a day" - what you actually mean is that I'm eating 300 cals a day, because I don't want everyone to see what a Fat Piggy I am. Of course I have more willpower and I can do better than those enormous 500 calories. So when I say 800, I mean 500. So I think I am going to aim to be around 800... and actually mean 800.

I digress, yet again. I digress a fuckload... in general. Honestly, sometimes... *SHUT UP PIGGY* - ANYWAY. So here are my victories for today. The first is my intake - coke light, soup (225), green juice (60?), pot noodles (240) and pistachios (170) for a grand total of 695 for the day - which really is quite alright. VICTORY! I also managed to go to a friends house and NOT eat any of the ton of pasta bake that was on offer, I just sipped my freshly juiced green juice (have you guys noticed the green juice trend - I'm a fucking sucker for a fad - no jokes!) VICTORY! I did not binge today, when I very easily could have bought a shiton of food on the way home and instead bought the noodles and pistachios. WIN! And then my vegan win - the noodles that I bought had chicken flavouring with them and instead of using it (cuz I mean, it was a chicken a really, really long time ago and it's only flavouring), I used thai green curry paste instead. So that's fucking amazefest. SELF-FIVE! 

So, I think that within our own fucked up, ED dominated mess of a world, let's make it our mission today and maybe for tomorrow too to be kind to ourselves. We may fuck up and eat... all the time. But let's consider that we really do try hard and have made it the centre of our lives. I mean, surely we deserve some kind of credit for at least trying. And trying hard. But at the end of the day, we can't help it that we have to eat as a basic human instinct, or that we are designed to need food. So despite the fact that food is just unacceptable - let's be kind today. :)

Peace & Sammy

Xo Xo

And yet still, we battle on.

I don't even know what to say anymore. I know I'm just flat out useless and I feel like I should just fucking give up. I'm never going to be as skinny as my UGW ever again. CRYCRYCRYCRY. I'm just so fucking over the lack of self control that I have. I mean right now for example - all I can think about it going to buy a packet of crisps. The only thing that is stopping me is that I actually did a cheeky weigh in this morning. And lemme tell you, my dearest Piglets. The news - she is NO good. I can't reveal I'm afraid. I can barely stand that I know the number, I just couldn't tell anyone else. It's bad enough that I have to go out in public looking like this... just an average fat girl. Just being average. And fat. Oh look at her pretty hair, pity she's so fat. FUCK. And today, not much better - I had blueberries and zero cal monster (95), beetroot and horseradish soup (122), popcorn *Cry* (138) and then a fucking landslide of veg curry for dinner - granted it was just a lot of coconut milk in there and veggies, but I'm sure it pushed me over 1000. Because why? Because I'm a pathetic hulking mass of a person who is inevitably just a waste of goddamn space. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

**EDIT: In other news - I have decided that my curiosity has finally got the best of me and I want to know what my filthy whore of an ex's fiancee/wife whatever looks like, so I unblocked him on facebook, but alas. There is nothing to look at on it. Fucker. Fucker. Fucker. Fuck you, Roy. Cunt whore.**

Cuz I'm Just A Piggy

... Standing before my fridge, asking it to lock itself. 

I'm still an asshole. I'm still fat. I broke last night and had some crisps and a muffin - so I actually ended my day on like... 1300. Great Piggy, just fucking great - AREN'T YOU!? Still too scared to weigh-in. Today? TODAY!? Not much better. I had a jacket potato with lentils for lunch (Fat Piggy) and then for dinner I had a small portion of butternut, corn and mushroom green curry (which I made myself, so there wasn't anything too bad in it). I'm not sure how much that is, but I'm sure I'm under 1000 for the day. I've been drinking loads of water too, so I'm trying to get it down. I need to get used to not eating so much. 21 days to make or break a habit. So, I just need to go another 20 and a half days before I've broken my disgusting binge eating at night debauch. Anyway, but I bitch and moan and bitch some more. I might weigh in tomorrow, but I'm so scared to. I know that I just need to deal with the scale, but I know what it's going to say. I might wait a few more days. A grown-ass woman scared of a scale. My goodness Piggy, but you are pathetic?

I'm busy interviewing like mad for a new job, although it looks like the one I want is only going to start in January, which means two months of commuting like an animal to the new office location, but let's just see shall we. Doesn't someone want to give me loads of money so that I can go rescue elephants in India - SOMEONE!? I'd make a great socialite, that's for sure. Anyway, thinspo for my beautiful Piglets. Thanks for reading my dribble. 

Love & Lentils

Xo Xo