And That's It Folks

Colbey and I are finished.

I don't want to talk about it. But I just thought y'all should know.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

I SLEPT!

But not before I consumed another 400 calories, so yesterday's total was like 1200, but it was all clean - or cleanish. Which is the goal. It was essentially two ryvita and cashew butter "sandwiches". It was clean and I could've binged, but I didn't so I'm not gonna fuck out about it. 

And then I went to sleep for five glorious hours at a normal human time, from 12am to 5am. I slept. Which means that as long as I have normal amounts of caffeine for the next five hours, it should all be fine. It'll be fine. All will be well. BOSH!-ish? 

ANYWAY, so it will all be fine. Because, I slept and woke up at a normal hour, I've actually done work this morning. Fuck-to-the-yeah. But I have three weeks to do six weeks worth of work - YAY ME! But will get it done, like a boss. 

I'm aiming for about... 800 calories today. 

My bestest friend in the whole world is coming to London next week for two weeks and unbeknownst to me, she will be staying with me in my TINY flat. For two weeks - I love her, but am not looking forward that much to this. Great. Grrrrrreat. 

It means I'm gonna have to clean. Great. 

But I slept. Positive vibes. I fucking slept!! 

Yerrrrrrrs. As Mr Burns would say *excellent*

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So Basically, Blogger Can't Sleep?

So re: my last post - it would seem that we are all struggling to sleep like normal people. I haven't read too much about the links between anxiety, eating disorders and sleep disorders. But obviously there is one. (WHERE ARE THE PSYCH MAJORS?) We know that there is a link between anxiety and sleep right? But throw in an ED there, what's the conclusion? Anyone care to share...

So also from comments on yesterdays blog - yes, I know I am overthinking it. The thing is that I fucking demonise him. Every time I see him, it's almost like this huge sigh of relief. I build him up as this villain in my head and then when I see him, it's like - Nope, this one is a good apple. 

Neither of us could sleep last night, although his problem was jet lag. So it was a really lovely combo of cuddling and chatting. I'm so in love with that one. 

I still don't have a scale, but nutritionally, I think I'm doing a'ight. Yesterday, I had about 600 calories - but then this morning, fuck me - I was so uncontrollably hungry, I was like three seconds away from pouncing on a baby and eating it. I just couldn't. Despite that though, I've had biltong (70), chicken (140), two ryvitas (92) with cashew butter (120), pomegranate (46) and pesto pasta (340). So today's total still wasn't too bad at 808. 

I'm really hoping that when I eventually weigh, it'll be super close to 67. But who knows? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Not Sleeping

I can't seem to get my sleeping patterns in a place where they make fucking sense. I'm so fucking irritated. I will sleep normal sleeping hours and then be fucking exhausted and sleep through the whole day. Then, I'll be awake all night, rinse repeat. It's fucking annoying. And I don't have the encouragement to go to sleep, because I'll just chat to Colbey all night. This needs to stop. 

The benefit of this is that I have been eating almost perfectly (below 1000) and clean. So I have no idea what I am weighing, because I'll only get a scale in like a week and a half. So I just have to make sure that I stay on track until then. 

I worked out that my BMR (base metabolic rate) is current 1499 calories a day so if I make sure that I'm under 1000 that (they say) 1lb a week, which is fucking rubbish, but it does mean that I'll be at my goal in a few short months. 

I just need to not fuck up. Colbey is home tomorrow. I need to ask him about his ex girlfriend... the whole not-knowing thing is driving me fucking mental. Because, I don't want him to not be friends with, I want to be friends with her. Well, not really. But I have a sneaking suspicion that they broke up because he moved here, in which case unresolved feelings and shit. BLAH! Who knows. I just want to know... And I do trust him, I'm sure he isn't telling me because he doesn't want me to get jealous or upset, but not telling me is SO much worse. 

And then there is the other side of me that is terrified that if I ask him, he's gonna tell me that he still loves her, I'm a stand-in/consolation prize and that they hooked up on NYE. 

SAM LUPIN - WELCOME BACK BABE, we missed you. I missed you. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

2016: The Year Of Piggy

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Okay, okay... I'm a week late. I know, I know. 2016 had a bit of a rough start for me. It all started when I didn't get paid for a contract that I finished in November - this was meant to be done. Basically, it meant that I was broke ass over Christmas and New Years, and was so anxiety ridden over the fact that I wasn't going to be able to pay my rent that I spent about eight days drunk as fuck. Now, I mean drunk AS FUCK. On New Year's Eve, I slagged off my plans and stayed at home and drank a bottle of vodka and blacked out. I have no idea what happened, but apparently I chilled at my neighbour for a bit, called my other neighbour 'creepy' (he is still freaking out about this, but that is a whole other tangent in and of itself) and drunk dialled EVERYONE in my phonebook - really, really embarrassing, not to mention calling Colbey (and this isn't a joke) 54 times. I can't even. 

Anyway, so I wasn't able to get hold of the company until work started on the 4th to find out if they were going to pay the invoice, but luckily they are, there was just a mix up with things and I will be paid on the 19th and won't get evicted. 

Now, what also happened was that Colbey and I have been chatting - a LOT - casting our minds back, my super handsome, lovely amazing fella is in Australia on holiday visiting his family. I didn't hear from him much at all until he got to his parents house in Middle-of-Nowhere'sVille, Australia. We literally chatted for hours and hours for about a week - more than we have ever chatted really before, at least on text - I was under the impression that he wasn't a texter and I actually still don't think he is, but he's doing it for me. And basically, all was really well. I'm still super in love with him. I kinda had a slight meltdown with him, because he was going on party adventures around the bottom right of Australia and I said to him that he didn't owe me anything and that he should have fun - hook up with other people is what I was getting at. He didn't really say he wasn't going to - I know he's not like that, but I genuinely did mean it. I just would rather adjust my expectations rather than get my hopes up about this being something that it's not and then be disappointed (HELLO ROY, YOU SLIMY BASTARD!). 

Anyway, so we started having this conversation and then I got all freaked out and stopped the convo. Typically, Piggy. FUCKING TYPICAL! I can have little emotional outbursts, but I can't actually have a mature conversation about anything. And then I barely heard from him for days, because he was travelling around (as it turns out, with his parents) - he did however spend New Years Eve with his ex girlfriend watching the fireworks in Sydney (did you guys see the videos on facebook - yeah, that's where he was). He was straight up when we first started dating that he was friends with his ex, and to be honest I'm not jealous. I know if he says that he won't do anything that he won't. It's just that if something does happen, it will all fall down like it did before (ROY, YOU BASTARD!). So all in all, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. 

Being super hungover, ashamed and convinced that I was going to let Man-Of-My-Dreams V2.0 slip straight through my pudgy fingers, because I'm irresponsible and just not good enough generally - I committed myself to making 2016 the year of Piggy! *strong arms* 

I also didn't act like a fucking idiot when Colbey did get back on wifi and started obsessively texting me again - normally, I might act like a needy, petulant, stroppy child needing reassurance - now, it's not Colbey - he is perfect and lovely, and he tells me - despite the fact that we have only been very casually dating for four months - that he loves me and he's stupidly attracted to me, etc etc. I don't want to go on too much about this, because it's kinda embarrassing and sickening how cutesy he can be. BUT - it's not him. It's that I have massive abandonment and trust issues. 

Also, I completely underestimated him - he is from a really good family, who are not bogans - despite what I thought - well-off, down to earth people. He isn't pretentious and he's adult. He is exceptionally intelligent and I totally thought he was a dullard. And most of all he has a really great sense of humour. And the thing is, I want to be the kind of person who would deserve to be with someone like that. Now this isn't a codependent, he's too good for me kinda thing. It's literally that I want him or someone like him to be proud of me. I want to put in the effort. 

SO a very long story short - this is going to be the year of Piggy - step 1, lose some fucking weight. My scale conveniently broke, so I have no idea how much I weigh, but by god, I'm gonna lose tons and when I get paid - new scale time. I'm also going to start being financially more responsible - i.e. save some fucking money. I'm going to stick with this new job that I'm starting in Feb until I get my British passport - no matter how shit it is. 2 years and 3 months. That's how long I'm staying. 

I'm going to abroad at least once a month, with Colbey hopefully. European probably, but I'm travelling this year. I'm also going to move out of my tiny flat into a new one. Maybe with Colbey, but if that doesn't happen also fine. I'm not going to fuck things up with Colbey like I did with Roy - moving too fucking quickly. 

So yes, my dear long-standing blogger friends - this will be the year of Piggy. World, watch out! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo