You Just Can't Control Everything

It's just a fundamental truth about people that I need to fucking learn at some point in my life. And really learn it, because I know it's true, but somehow I always think that I can control people and that if I orchestrate everything just perfectly, then it will all work out the way I want it to. 

This is not true. 

Chris is an emotional wreck. And when I say emotional, I mean unemotional. His own feelings or maybe it is the lack thereof totally freaks him out. He seems to have got the idea through his head that we need to figure out if we are now an official thing forever and ever. Obviously, this is ridiculous to me. And what makes me even more pissed off about it is that I've been trying so very hard to not have to deal with this question with him, because I don't think he wants to answer it. I don't want to answer it. 

The consequence of all of this is that we are teetering towards the end, I think. He can't have a conversation with me anymore and I'm expected to just wait while he figures it out or to walk away. 

We know that I have no self respect and won't walk away even though I know I should. 

We had yet another conversation about this yesterday and after poking and prodding, he needs space to decide. (I don't know how this has happened, I can only assume it's my total control freakness that has caused this, I'm pretty sure it is somehow my fault...) I can't wait around for too long for this to happen, because the anxiety is torturing me. 

I have felt physically ill about this since the 30th. Nauseous for a week over it. I'm such a fucking idiot. The good thing is that I don't want to eat, so weight is dropping nicely (63.3) this morning. This however is not a good thing. I don't believe one should have a physical reaction to someone. 

I'm giving him until Sunday. And even if he's walking away cuz it's all too much for him, I will maintain some dignity in this case. I can do this. Despite the fact that somehow I am loyal to people who really don't deserve it and to people like this who just hurt me. 

This will hurt for two weeks. And then it will be fine. I will be fine. I've survived a lot worse than this. 

Love & Emptiness 

Xo Xo 

2017

New year... again. 

I am really out of insightful things to say about the fact that we have made one more revolution of the sun. Perhaps this will be my last in England, perhaps it will be my last alive, who knows really? 

My immediate resolutions are to be a better person, to only drink alcohol once a month, to stop smoking entirely (I've been working on these last two for a while already, so hopefully won't be too traumatic), to continue with my yoga practice (this qualifies as twice a week and after almost two months, this is going well) and a few other small ones. 

An important one is obviously to keep the disorder until control, to not let my weight fluctuate too much, get it and keep it under 62 (currently 63.9kg), not starve myself and eat clean, whole foods - give up the sugar. Again, these are things I've been working on for a while. My current sugar problem is that it's freezing cold and at night I want a hot drink that is comforting, but not with caffeine. And that's been low cal hot chocolate. That however is only 3g of sugar. Although still too much really. 

I think I'm going to end things with Chris. He's not good for me. Another one bites the dust. He doesn't speak my love language and really doesn't want to learn. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Merry Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Well, it's the day after. 

Do you ever feel like your ED makes you miss out on things? I feel it all the time, like missing out on making and eating all the yummy holiday foods, travelling around Italy on a food adventure, sampling the delights of French patisseries, Turkish delicacies, the breads of the middle East. You know what I mean, I feel it all the time. 

I was meant to see Chris today, he flaked. I'm angry. I haven't seen him in three weeks, because he's been climbing in the mountains. And as always, he is the one who dictates the schedule and I get no say in it. Because I was meant to see him today, I didn't binge yesterday, although I did on the eve. 

Today, I went to yoga and here I now seethe about the fact that I'm always an afterthought. Somehow, I allow this. 

We are meant to go to Bournemouth tomorrow, if I don't hear from him today - I am cancelling our hotel. It's not all about what he wants, I'm not a bloody afterthought. 

Asshole. 

Peace & Loathing

Xo Xo 

Anxiety - 1; Piggy - 0

So now I am literally stressing balls about my visa expiring in March. I have always known that I would need to sort my indefinite leave to remain out, but now I've managed to convince myself that I am going to get rejected and sent back to South Africa. The thought is in fact too horrible to even deal with. So, all-in-all, I am now trying to make sure that if that happens I am making all the necessary preparations. 

Either making peace with the fact that I am going to die in South Africa - honestly, this thought is too horrible to bear. Or trying to make an alternative arrangement so I can go from here to anywhere else. Literally. I will go anywhere. ANYWHERE. Maybe I can sell myself as a mail order bride? 

I don't know how this kind of anxiety seems to plague me the worst over Christmas - last year it was the fact that I was broke, and Colbey. The year before that it was that I had been cornered by a coworker at the Christmas party - who was also the financial director, for allegedly talking behind her back, which I did not. I just fucking hate this shit. Every year. 

I just have to make it till the 26th and then Chris is coming to stay and he will distract me. And then in the New Year, I need to start prepping these forms. If I'm being proactive, it should just about work to calm the anxiety. 

The positive about it is that I am so anxious, I feel nauseous all the time so I don't want to eat. The negative is that I am now on holiday for the year and this means I can drink through my anxiety and once I'm drunk, I just want to eat ribs. It's disgusting. I feel disgusting. 

Yesterday I had about 850 cals, but did an intense yoga class. This consisted of a mince pie, some sushi, two skinny hot chocolates and many, many coffees. 

Today, I've had a large skinny latte (140), an apple (60), a banana (80) and I'm gonna get some soup for later or something. Get into bed and not leave. Ever. 

I just hate this time of year. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Dear Anxiety.

It's different from last year. It's not going to happen again. 

Your job is good, you're doing fine at your job. They trust you, you are doing what you are supposed to. Just keep up your pace and don't slack now. The team depends on you. This isn't like last year. You've got enough money and have managed to save some. This is good. You are doing great. It's different from last year. 

You are not as fat as you were last year, you just have to control it and not let it get that bad. You deserve to feel good in your body. You didn't feel good last year. This is different from last year. It's not going to get that bad. You can control it, you can persevere, because you have willpower and it's all alright. You've done well this year, just keep going. It's totally different from last year. 

He is different from Colbey. He isn't going to do that and change his mind. You can trust him. You know that you can trust him. It's different from last year, it's not Colbey. He isn't Colbey. You can trust him. Listen to me, Piggy. You can trust him. 

It's different from last year. It's just the lack of sun, the lack of warmth, it's this time of year. It's just something about it being the end of the year, something about the introspection that comes with New Years Eve. It's just the time of the year.

It is totally different from last year. Anxiety, y'hear me? It's totally different.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo