Ruthless Ambition

I have so much work to do, I really shouldn't even be blogging. But of course, I have to contribute a little something to the meaningless swath of information that is out there on the web. Of course. Last night I ate a little bit of air popped popcorn and some pumpkin seeds after I blogged so my total was definitely up by another 200 cals... which isn't the end of the world. Today, I have had about 600 cals and I'm done for the day. I didn't weigh in this morning for some reason... I kinda just forgot and I won't weigh myself after I've eaten, because of... you know. food weight. Anyway, so I will do that tomorrow morning. Well assuming I get any sleep tonight, which i doubt I will because I have so much work to do. Fuck sakes. ANYWAY. It's not going to be that bad because I've already done the research, now i just have to write. And it wouldn't be the first time I've pulled an all-nighter. Anyway, work aside.

So this challenge... what to do what to do. I have no idea. I was thinking maybe we could have a start date and an end date. Something to work towards. And then, the most weight lost in that time... well. Maybe percentage body weight... Because obviously bigger girls will lose more than the teeny tiny ones, but that's all so complicated. I don't know. Does anyone have any suggestions about this weightloss challenge?

I was watching True Blood this morning, because I <heart> True Blood in such a major way, and you know. There was this scene where the dudes dead boyfriend was sitting in the car next to him and he asked if he was real and the dead boyfriend said "does it matter" and I burst into tears. I think I am finally starting to come to grips with just how much my ex hurt me. And how I much I compromised myself to make him happy. I think what I was holding onto for the last year has been my dead boyfriend. He isn't real, but I didn't care. In my mind, he was the man that made me happy... but. he just ended up being a disappointment. I know I have unreasonable expectations of people, but I have massive ambition when it comes to everything, I want to be the best and do everything I can to make someone else happy. Why couldn't he want to give me the same thing. I think finally. I am starting to move on. And it's just fabulous. And freeing. Somebody that I used to know. I want to cry now. I'm not sure why, but feeling oh-so emotional.

Peace & Love... I wish I had drugs.
Xo Xo

Coco's got this.

Finally a day where I have managed to eat properly. Fuck me it feels good after a week of being mostly out of control entirely. Thank fucking god. I feel like more and more Coco is teaching me to be strong and at the moment I feel determined and fabulous... except that I am hugely fat. My goal for the week... well tomorrow morning I am going to do a proper weigh in and then i will assess the damage that I have done to myself then... Until then, I remain wistfully optimistic. I locked myself indoors all day today and made sure that I was upstairs and all the doors and windows were closed so that people would think I wasn't there. As a result, I'm not sure if Michael came round or not, because there is no way of anyone getting hold of me here. I am in my Ivory tower. And I LOVE it that way. Today I have had about 440 cals for the day which has included three cups of tea with milk, one cup of coffee with honey and milk, mexican bean stew stuff... super low cals. It was a can of kidney beans, half a cup of frozen peas, a clove of garlic, half a big ass chilli (for the metabolism) and this tomato sauce stuff which is only about 30 cals per 100ml. And that's all I've had all day. It was yummy.

I had more ghostly interactions today, when I went downstairs today to make my second cup of tea, the lid was off the jar again... After I had spoken outloud to my ghost for about five minutes explaining that if he or she was there then I am very friendly, and it doesn't have to deal with me, but if it does we need to figure out a better method of communication. So I've been trying to google how to talk to ghosts, but then... it looks almost all like total horse crap... but then I tell myself. Piggy, you're trying to talk to a ghost. Horsecrap may just be the status quo. Suggestions are entirely welcome. To be honest, it doesn't have to communicate with me, as long as it doesn't try hurt me... but i figure if it is sending me signs like that... maybe it does want to chat. I dunno, I just figure that someone has an awesome story to tell. Anyway.

Does anyone feel like a weightloss challenge? I'm really feel like I could use one. But I'm shit out of ideas... Thanks for all the lovely comments as usual. Yall are the bestest and loveliest in the whole widest world and I love you all dearly. And I swear, I'm not crazy with this ghost stuff. I'm as much a non-believer as the next, but there is just no other explanation.

Bones & Ghosts
Xo Xo

Dirty, Dirty Piggy

So yesterday, my intake was golden, a lovely 500ish, but then I got sad and lonely and went and had a drink by myself in the local pub, where I bumped into my neighbour, met his daughter and went partying with her and of course ended up getting embarrassingly pissed and having a dirty sleepover with this guy called Michael. OMG, he is ... well. I mean, he is kinda cute in a British kind of way, not my usual. He is actually really good thinspo cuz he is skinny. NOT the kinda guy to hit on. Anyway, he is a complete loser, beyond anything else, and is not smart at all. And the worst part about it is that I, in my drunk idiotic state, invited him to my neighbours bbq tomorrow, as like. My plus one. WHY PIGGY WHY!? And this morning I got up and slept in my own bed, because I am finding that I actually like being by myself and he slept on the couch. And he fucking waited for me to wake up before he left. And he tried to kiss me goodbye. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY PIGGY WHY!? So I am hoping that he doesn't show up tomorrow afternoon for the bbq, mostly because I don't want to see him, but also because I don't actually want to go to the damn thing. I just want to hide until I can leave. I actually miss my flat... And the ghost. Has been moving stuff around in the daughters room. Still no idea what happened to the pasta, but my pasta eating ghost is taking things from the dresser and putting them on the bed. That's so fucked. And of course now that I'm all aware of the ghostly presence, I am literally watching everything like a hawk. Fuck. ANYWAY.

So after yesterday being a lovely day, today was a write off, because I was so hungover. Tomorrow, is back to the thing. I want to try start eating more lettucy type things, salads and maybe some fish. Anyway, so tomorrow I am going to go back on the clean eating thing. Which I have been fucked on for the last week. But enough is enough. Anyway, enough rambling from this stupid stupid fat piggy. Here's to hoping Michael stays the fuck away. *fingers crossed*

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

It's HAUNTED!

Dudes, I know this is going to sound fucking fucked. But this house I am staying in is fucking haunted!! And I'm not fucking kidding. Next to the stove in the kitchen are these three or four glass jars of dried pasta with a cork lid thing... you know the kind. Anyway, now two of them were half filled with pasta. This morning when I went downstairs, the one jar was empty and the lid was off sitting next to the jar. Firstly, I definitely did not eat the pasta, and even if I did I would have put the lid back on. I'm like that, so no one would notice that I ate it. But I definitely did not eat it. It can't have been an animal, because the jars are glass so if they wanted the pasta, they would have knocked the jar open. I doubt it was a burglar, because all the doors were locked and my wallet and camera were on the table. So what. the. fuck. I don't want to sound like a superstitious hippie, but seriously. And as I am writing this, i heard something downstairs. OMF! Anyway, if it is haunted, I just need to make friends with the ghost. I'm a friendly person, I'm totally into helping people or things, I just hope it's not slimey and scary. I'm sure it's not. A family lives here. So it must be friendly.

In other news, I'm a fat whale. And I have recently discovered that I can't sleep on my left side because i can feel my heart beating against my ribs and it weirds me out. Oh and the face scrub thing is literally two teaspoons of bicarb with a little water to make a paste and scrub scrub scrub. I put coconut oil in my hair last night as a hair mask... and my hair is super greasy today even though I've washed it twice. FML. Anyway, and I shaved my legs. So i'm winning slowly. I've decided that when I get my hair highlighted again in a week, I'm going to have a pink streak put in... maybe. Not a streak even, because that is so 90's but a little streaky at the end of my hair... just a small one... Is it just me or is wacky colours in the hair becoming a new mainstream thing... Aeon Flux here we come.

Ghosts & Gouls
Xo Xo

Eyebrows

Let me just preface this by saying that as well all know, I loathe exercise. I hate it so much that I would rather fast for a week than go for a run. I hate exercise. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I consider walking up stairs exercise. But i have discovered two things. Firstly, there is a wii fit in my new summer abode, so I had a little play on it. Hardly intense exercise, but I suppose I did kinda sweat a tiny bit... So whatever. And the second thing I've discovered is that it has a great and really accurate scale on it. I'm not going to tell you what I weigh today, because after four days of binging, trust me. It isn't good. But on the plus side, today has been a good day. I have had about 450 cals. I'm trying to wean myself off so much tea, because it is staining my teeth and I can't have that. My pores are also huge, so I tried a baking soda scrub which is meant to work and lo and behold they actually do look smaller. I also sorted out my caterpillar eyebrows. So now they actually look normal. In the words of Vic from Miss Congeniality - 'eyebrows? There should be two!'. Okay mine don't go unibrow but they do get a little unshaped and makes me eyes look tiny. I like to keep 'em looking fly, i feel it opens my eyes up. My next task is shaving my legs... is this too much info? I never shave my legs I am so fucking lazy. I just don't see the point if i am not wearing skirts, however tomorrow I think I may sunbathe a bit because it's so hot at the moment...

Today I had two cups of coffee, one with a teaspoon of honey (my cryptonite), a tin of tuna, a can of kidney beans and milk for my coffee. I'm trying to stay high on iron at the moment. But I need to get some fruit involved. Tomorrow I am going to go for a walk through the town to get some fruit, maybe that's why my skin looks like the dogs breakfast. It could also be the lack of water. I have been trying to hydrate, because i think that may have something to do with it. I want to get a good nights sleep tonight, so I'm relocating back to the bedroom, not sure if I've mentioned that I set up camp in the living area which is so warm, but after two days of it, I'm fucken gatvol (lovely South African word meaning fed up) with being woken up in the blazing heat and blinding sunshine... Did I mention the ceiling in the living room is glass? So it's kinda like a greenhouse...

Anyway, that's enough prattling on about nothing for me. Gooooooooo team!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo