Black Tie Tuesday...

So tomorrow is my black tie event and I'm not going to lie, I look like an absolute HEIFER in my black dress. But I'm hoping that's just because of all the tea and tuna salad that I had for lunch. Today I've had about 800 cals which isn't bad. I'm too scared to weigh myself. Tomorrow though is a three course meal. I have decided that I'm not eating any carbs. No matter what the dinner is - no carbs, no cheese, no fat. So it shall be fabulous, but considering that the event is 235 pounds per ticket - I'm assuming that the food will be more protein heavy light and fabulous than heavy stodgy carb food. I need to try on my dress again tomorrow morning just to make sure that I can actually fit into it. I fit into it tonight, even though it was a bit snug. I still look like a heifer. I really want some laxies :( . NO PIGGY NO! I'm really hoping that my office cutie is going so that I can fllirt shamelessly with him... Here's to hoping. Also, today my boss told me that I am doing a really good job, because I am actually on schedule with my conference. Which apparently is not something that people do in their first cycle - so all in all things are going well. Except for the fact that I am a huge disgusting Piggy. Okay - but here is the plan - tomorrow - only tea and coffee all day. At the dinner. 2 glasses of white wine to make sure that I keep it classy, don't have a hangover and minimum calories. Also, no carbs or fat of any variety. So if it is on the plate don't eat it or take it off. None of that. I'm sure that I can do this. I've got such a long day tomorrow since I need to go in early and finish my document that I didn't get done today. So tomorrow I am going to be away from home for... 18 hours at least. And Wednesday, I've got a conference thing in the morning so that will be another really early day. Kicking ass and taking names. I want to try and fast on Wednesday. My goal for this week is to not do the Friday binge. And to succeed at the event tomorrow. Fuck dudes. Will post my weight tomorrow - I doubt it is going to be even under 65. I'm such a fat failure. *cry* 

Fat & Failure

Xo Xo

Burrrrrrrrn

Right, so as the weekend rolled around I thought that it was best to stay in and not drink. You know - responsible, but queue my apparent Friday ritual which is a binge. It was awful, but whatevs. I have a black tie thing on Tuesday for work which I'd like to look super fly for so I decided to only eat apples until then. But then on Saturday I went round to Monikas house and got absolutely horrendously fucking drunk and god. This is so embarassing. That guy from my birthday totally gave me bat. Told me that I couldn't 'stay the night' because he had started seeing a new girl. OMG. I could die. I'm never going back to her house ever again. EVER. Again. I'm so annoyed as well, because... I dunno. Even though I don't want him, what the fuck is wrong with me that he didn't want to date me? You know? Anyway, so then at midnight I decided to go home and I missed the last tube home and had to take the nightbus which took two hours. 

Today, I feel like ass. And it was the London marathon, so we went to watch because two of our friends ran in it. Dudes - I want to start training to do the marathon next year. I think I can do it - I mean - 26 miles? No big. Monika was also happily snapping away and I just know that I am going to look like a nasty whale in all the pics. Not least of which because I am a fat piggy and i was wearing a tank top - It isn't going to be pretty. 

I've decided that my current plan of just eating once a day is not working - so I need to change up my dinners a bit and not eat carbs for dinner. So I think what I'll do is chicken or tuna for dinner when I get home and fruit during the day. Hopefully that will be... ooooOO or soup. I could totally vibe some soup... mmm... I need to go get the stuff though, but carrying it home is always such a ballache. Why can't this be easy. GODDAMMIT! 

Peace & Fat

Xo Xo

Peanut Fucking Butter

So this morning I was still fat, even though I had about 800 calories yesterday. I can't seem to fucking understand what the fucking problem is and why I'm not losing weight. If anything I am gaining goddamn weight everyday. I've never been on a plateau like this in my life before. It really just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not binging I'm not fucking going apeshit, yet I'm still a hurtling ball of fat walking around looking like a hippo. WHY WHY WHY!? 

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to get some drugs. I'm going to make sure that I get some Ambien, because I still can't sleep properly and I'm tired of being sleepy, although I'd really like to trip out as well. I miss taking hallucinogenics... I think I need to find some illegal substances, I feel like I miss them so much sometimes. But proper narcotics, not just cabbage. Man, I miss it. Anyway, shut up Piggy - focus on getting thin, not getting high. GODDAMMIT! Fuck my fat life. I'm just doomed to be fat. That's what life is going to have in store for me, fat fat fat. I hate this shit. Where's Gremlin - I need to cuddle. 

Kittens & Mittens

Xo Xo

Prozac Nation

It is so difficult to sit in an office all day and watch everyone around me eat a hundred times in the space of eight hours and then look at me like a weirdo if I don't... I feel like - even though I don't want to go anywhere at lunch time, I feel like I may need to so that I can lie about eating. Welcome to the world of not being an anti-social recluse. On top of which, a new producer started and she sits at the desk next to me and she eats all day. And she's a tiny little french girl. Fuck. Her. For realsies. Anyhoo, the plan for this week is to not eat during the day and then have a small dinner in the evenings, which so far has been going really well. Let's hope for a sub-63 weight tomorrow - fingers crossed. I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday so I am going to get some more prozac for my anxiety - I'm starting to think that I haven't given myself enough credit for how I was going to cope with the new job, because all in all I've been doing fine. Well even. I'm more or less on top of my work - and I'm doing quite well at it too. I led my first conference meeting today and it went pretty well, with the editors and printers of the magazine. Basically, it's going really really well. I'm just always tired. Which is a problem. Now just to focus on fixing my disastrous personal life. Joe is a thing of the past... Although we still chat now and then. It's pretty much over with now. Anyway, sub-63 tomorrow. WE CAN DO THIS GUYS! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucktarded Weightery

So on Friday morning after a week of no binging I woke up at 63.5 which means that as predicted I had magically gained like 3lbs overnight. ANYWAY, so basically as a result is that I am still fat. Friday and Saturday ended up being huge binge days of atleast 2000 a piece and then I fasted from Saturday at about 6pm till today at 9pm. So a 51 hour fast. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow morning I can be around 63 again. I broke the fast with some pasta. But to be fair it wasn't a lot and I worked 11 hours today. I'm quite exhausted, but going strong. My business cards got ordered today - and I know this really isn't a big deal, but in the world of grownupness, I'm feeling really important about my business cards. I've been putting in really long hours though so that I can try and make sure that I am on top of all my work. Which I mostly am, but I just need to transcribe my research calls, which takes for ever. In other news, my ex added me as a contact on skype... I'm not sure if it was a mistake or something. I kinda think that it is mostly quite hilarious that he thinks we can be friends. Like I'd ever be friends with him. The cool thing is that I don't even care anymore. I couldn't really be arsed either way. Sort of the way it started I suppose - because I unblocked him on my skype and then just removed him from my contacts. And then when I got home, I had a contact request? I damn nearly called him as well... you know when your computer freezes and you accidentally click. Yeah - that's what happened. What a loser. I've also decided that once I get paid and I'm all stable and shit, so next month. I am going to start taking blues guitar lessons. I mean - I was going to do hot yoga, but let's be honest. I hate exercise, so maybe guitar to start and maybe yoga - I'll get to that later. I can't wait to learn. I've always wanted to be able to play guitar and there is no reason why I can't. Even though I'm tired, fat and buggered - life is pretty alright at the moment. Let's hope for a good weigh in tomorrow morning.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo