Back on the Sauce

Well ladies, after a year - I am back on prozac. I'm just not coping at the moment with a lot of things. I am angry and irritated most of the time. My sunshine has gone and I just hate everything. I ripped into the German yesterday like a rabid bear. He just wasn't being helpful at all while I was ranting and yes, that is mostly because he doesn't know me very well. I mean - at all really. You know like when someone keeps asking you if you're angry to a point that them asking actually makes you angry? That's kinda what happened last night. Anyway, he handled it very well. I ended up eating like an animal last night - another reason to go back on prozac, because it is used to treat bulimia... i.e. the binging part of it. Work is shit, I officially hate it. Fuck. My. Life. I hate everything.

Hate & Anger
Xo Xo

Bitching and Moaning

My office is being moved to Teddington and I am fucking pissed off. Mostly because this now means that I have to find another job or travel an extra 45 minutes per day each way. So yes, my total commute time a day would be 3 hours. Fuck that. I'm frustrated with the German, because he isn't here and you know I think, I think I want a fucking boyfriend who at least lives in the country but OH NO god forbid I say anything, because then what did I expect. Seriously, fucking hell. I won't. But then, I keep telling myself to calm the fuck down, because I'm just pissed about work thing. In addition. I can't stop eating, because I quit smoking. So I'm fucking disgusting. I don't know what to do. I'm doing my masters application too and who the fuck can I use as an academic reference, because I have to have one... And of course - my lecturers didn't know who I was in Varsity, let alone two years later. This is shut bullcrap. Fuck. My. Life. 

Hatred & Anger

Xo Xo

Welcome to the Mia Purge-Party

This is what the bathrooms at work are like after lunch everyday... and it is a strange emotion because I am disgusted by the stench when you walk into the bathroom and the fact that both stalls have been used for this very purpose. I am also really jealous that I am the one that isn't the thinniest person in the office and the resident MIA. I know that this is something that I probably shouldn't be feeling... but it is thinspirational in a way... I know who it is too... She is super, super skinny. And I saw her come out today before I went in. Altogether now in the 1,2,3 Puke Party. 

Apologies again for the fact that I haven't been posting. It is because I have been eating. Far too much, like a fucking mutant. This evening for example. I had set out to have a small pasta for dinner, but I made extra so that I could take some to work yesterday and I ended up eating the entire damn thing. Which means that my optimistic intake for today which was meant to be around 700 is now way up into the 1100's. Disgusting. But on the plus side, it isn't a proper binge. So hopefully I won't have gained tomorrow. I haven't weighed in ages. I don't think I will weigh tomorrow because I had carbs for dinner. My new thing is to have carbs for lunch and then either a salad or soup for dinner. So this is what I'm going to try. This will serve two purposes, it will keep me awake in the afternoon to have a lunch of about 250 cals - carbs. And it will also make sure that I am not fucking ravenous by the time I get home and then I will actually be able to behave like a good-ana and only have a 150 cal soup dinner. This is the plan. 

My German is the most perfect man *gush gush* *smittening all up in hur'*. He asked me today to write an article with him... I haven't even started my masters yet and he is on his phd in fucking engineering/maths and he has enough professional respect for me to put his name next to mine on an article. It's like an academic proposal. I don't know if I will do it, he is sending me the topic proposal later today... I think this has the potential to be something amazing. The articles and the German. I'm doing my masters in EU Law. Btws. It is the cheapest course I've found - still 8000 pounds though. But it's awesome. Would it be a bad thing if I put a paypal thing on the side of my blog... maybe some of the people that read would donate a little to the Piggy-Wants-Her-Masters-Scholarship Fund. I don't want to be cheap, but perhaps. Fuck. POVO! Anyway, just a thought. 

Love & Pasta

Xo Xo

I know I suck...

I must really apologise for not posting more. My god, I have been so bad at it this month. I don't know what's going on with me at the moment. I'm just in such a weird place... Mentally. I don't know. I wouldn't say that I am in a bad place. It's just weird. I've gotten to a point where I've realised that ana will be with me for the rest of my life - because there is no way I'm ever going to be alright. Strangely, I'm okay with it. I mean, I know there are those days where you just kinda throw a bit of a conniption about it - like why the fuck am I so fucked up!? Why can't I just eat like normal people - why is my weight just never going to be okay with me. But I think I've gotten past that point now. I spent the entire tube to work and the way home standing and today was quite warm so I'm wearing a short sleeve top - the entire way there and back I watched my arm that I was holding on with - and everyone around me to see if they were staring at my fat disgusting arm. I suppose this is just... an ana-girl problem? That aside I've not lost or gained despite eating really uncontrollably... which is weird. Like I mean it - I've been eating a lot. Anyway, I'm still hovering in the 63's. I think that this is the week where I can finally get down to the 62's and hover there for a little while. 

In other news - my German is perfect. He is just the most amazing man - I put a pic below... oh him trying to be John Wayne with his water gun. Such a goofball... Have I mentioned that he's a phd in wind energy research? I am freaking the fuck out though, because at some point I am going to have to tell him all of these things - the borderline, the suicides, the family history, ana, mia, the cutting, the shit with my ex... I'm so scared that he will turn around and just what to GET. THE. FUCK. OUT. I mean. He thinks I am so perfect and he doesn't hesitate to tell me this on a daily basis. About how beautiful, smart... thin he thinks I am. But I'm not. I'm just me and I'm flawed and broken. It's just really scary. I think I need to just... But I don't want to. Joe messaged me yesterday completely out of the blue. We haven't spoken in over two months... he messaged me to tell me that he missed me. Don't even get me fucking started on that. For the record, I'm not having a bad time. I'm just feeling very strange. At the moment. Strange.

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

WTF is Happening?

Sorry it's been a while dudes and dudettes. I feel like sometimes I go through phases where I feel totally suffocated by people to an extent that I don't want to reach out or chat or anything like that... Hence my leave of absence. I suppose there is a lot to report... The German from my conference - him and I have been like. In contact. I think it may be something... like a proper something. Of course the problem is that I don't really know what to make of it because he doesn't like here. Even though it's less than an hour's flight away. But still you know? I have also realised that the thought of actually being in a proper relationship completely terrifies me. He is coming here in a little while and last night I thought of the idea of him in my flat... on a plane to London and I started to have a panic attack. Thanks Roy, you belligerent assbag for fucking me up so perfectly. Asshole. Anyway, I never thought of myself as unwilling to have to give that part of myself to a person again, but i'm thinking that I should perhaps nip it in the budd... just for now. I don't want to be scared of him. Anyway. 

The good news is that even though I'm not getting thinner, I'm not getting any fatter. I'll start tracking again as of tomorrow. Also, will post a weigh in. Today I've had too much. I've had two sole fillets (320), some light cranberry juice, pistachios, a big yoghurt and way too much cheese. Anyway, I'm really sorry that it has taken so long for me to post. Almost two weeks isn't it? What's been going on. I'm in such a weird headspace at the moment. Like... I don't even know how to describe it. Let's put it this way - I'm listening to radiohead again. And that hasn't happened in a while. Fuck. I'm trying to figure it out. OH and I'm applying for a Masters in Psychology to start in September. Fuck yeah. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo