Have You Seen 'To The Bone'?

What did you think...?

FP

Off The Wagon

I have fallen squarely off the wagon and it's due to the fact that I've decided to not drink for this month - I've been toying with the idea of not drinking at all ever again owing to the fact that I'm a terrible drunk, health, expense, etc etc - so instead, being realistic about myself I decided to buy a crapload of weed and substitute. 

However, with weed comes the munchies and I've been eating non-stop for ages. The last few days it's been controlled, but not controlled enough. So too many calories, but not overeating. Today also wasn't great, because hummus. 

Anyway, the veganing is still happening and I feel so good about it - it's great to live more cruelty-free, I really feel like it speaks to my values. 

Chris will be here in a week. That's. one. week. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucking Period

Yesterday I weighed 68.1kg. But my period started. Yesterday I ate about 1300 calories plus a yoga session and today I'm 68.5kg. Period. Fuck. 

But today, I'm determined to not overdo it. Go to yoga and ride the period wave out. 

I will be in the 67s this week. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Vibing In A Positive Way

Today was positive. The scale said 68.4kg - which is excellent. I'm hoping I will be in the 67's by the end of the week, but I got my period and felt super bloaty by the start of yoga today - so fucking tits. Fucking tits. 

I have had about 1200 calories today, which isn't great - BUT I did an hour of flow class, which is about 400 cals burnt... allegedly. I also fucking kicked my yoga teacher in the face. Y'all don't believe me when I say I've got limbs that go on for days. Like, they are disproportionate. 

AND the big highlight of the day is that I fucking resigned. They weren't surprised, which fucking sucked. So here's the thing - this bitch fired me four years ago. She should've taken my side and she didn't. Now, me - being the vengeful person that I am wanted to go full psycho on her and kick some ass - tell her exactly what was up - but NO! Mutha fucker, nooooooo. She said she was "happy for me" and "what a great opportunity" - how the shit am I meant to be a bitch to her when she's all nice to me. SHE ROBBED ME OF MY CATHARSIS! 

... that aside, I'm incredibly happy that I don't have to deal with this company anymore. They asked me to work my notice, which is fine. I'm going to "work remotely" for a week next month and bugger off to the continent for a Eurotrip - I'm thinking I'm going to start in Talinn and end in Warsaw - OR start in Berlin and end in Vienna. Cuz fuccccck it. 

Anyway, so today was a good day. I'm praying for a nice (any) loss tomorrow, but who knows. I've started taking B12, because apparently vegans don't get this on a plant based diet and allegedly it helps with the metabolism, so I'm hoping it will go nuts and I'll get super skinny, super fast. Here's to hoping. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

I sometimes just don't think that people without anxiety quite understand how completely debilitating it is or can be. In particular, social anxiety is one of the things that I struggle with the most (general anxiety also).  I have been reading a few posts of my fellow bloggers and thought that I'd say a few words about it, because social anxiety is a complete fucker. 

So I thought I'd write about a few of the scenarios which have been or are normally aggravated by my anxiety.

Normal meetings and interviews: I will literally spend hours (and I mean hours) dissecting what I have said to people in meetings or interviews. Going over each line and then agonising over something that I said or didn't say. Like even the smallest thing or bad joke will get me to face palm and just stress about how they must think I'm a complete idiot. If it's a job interview, I will attach myself to the tiniest thing that I may have said and just go - yup, that's why I am definitely not getting this job. 

Similarly, if I have a meeting or interview coming up - particularly if it's one which might be stern or serious, I will rehearse constantly. 

If I've had an argument with someone, I will not be able to sleep for I am so anxious. A few years ago, the day that I went on a two week break over Christmas, my company had our Christmas party and I got cornered at the party by a group of women who accused me of spreading a rumour about the finance director having an affair with one of the sales guys. I definitely didn't do it intentionally, but had made a flippant sarcastic joke in the pub a few weeks earlier when they were hugging each other goodbye - innocently, but taken the wrong way. I apologised and it was all fine. Over the Christmas break, I was a fucking wreck, because I had convinced myself that I was going to get disciplinary action over the event and get fired. I wasn't. It was never spoken about again, but it ruined my Christmas. 

A few months ago, I went to my regular Sunday night yoga class and the teacher wanted us to do supported handstands in groups of two or three, which required 1) getting into groups and 2) interacting with strangers on a relatively intimate level i.e. touching each other. I freaked out and ran out of the room to go "to the bathroom". I came back and they were still working in groups, so I got my things and I left. There was NO way that I was going to actually do that - what if I smelt bad, or I was heavy? What if I did it wrong? What if they thought I was bad at yoga? What if they were better than me? Too much anxiety and I left. (This scenario has happened to me a lot - in different forms.) 

When I join a group of people for whatever reason, I freak out. Do they like me? They don't like me? They're looking at my double chin. They must think I'm so fat. They must hate my accent. WHY DID I SAY THAT? God, I must sound like such an idiot. What if they don't like me? I'm not gonna go because they don't like me. 

Sound familiar?

69.3kg today. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo