Happy Penguin Dance

You know when something happens during the course of the day and you think "SHIAT! I must put that in my blog entry." This is a collection of those things.

Last week when I wrote my exam and aced it, then celebrated with half a gallon of wine and my body weight in sweeeeeeet mary jane, my friend came over to er... "celebrate" with me and she said that I must be careful because I was starting to look like a bobble head. And then when another friend joined she also said omg you're so skinny <insert wannabe LA accent here>. LOVE IT. Also that night the same one used my bathroom and weighed herself and said something about her weighing 67kgs. She is about three inches shorter than me. *happy penguin dance* - this is contagious. How you do it is to stand up with your arms at your sides (and keep them there) then move your hands so that the palms are facing the floor but at a right angle to your arms (WHICH ARE STILL STRAIGHT AT YOUR SIDE). Then point your feet out as if going into ballet pose. And rock from side to side and turn around in a circle on the spot. THIS is the happy penguin dance.

Then my current soon to be ex boyfriend then bought an xbox kinect. THIS IS EPIC! So much of a workout actually. My abs and what not are quite stiff today. Fucking LOVE IT! Anyway, so the games that come with the kinect are these cool interactive things where you jump and duck etc. The cool thing is that it takes pictures of you while you are making an ass of yourself. I looked pretty skinny in most of them. And there was one where I looked like I was skiing and guess what - THIGH GAP! <3 <3 <3 That kinect and I are going to be very good friends. :)

I ordered my grandparents birth and marriage certificates for my UK visa today. Now just gotta find a job and earn some cash so I can get the fuck out of here. I really can't wait. I need to also start contacting UK law firms about working for them, or something. I dunnoooo. I have worked out some of the details. Now just for the follow through. Fuck. Anyway.

I fasted today. For two reasons - 1. It pisses off the boy if I don't eat - WIN! 2. I ate three different kinds of fast food yesterday. Talk about a binge? Anyway, but when I weighed myself earlier I was 137.6, so that's not too bad. Tomorrow is the tv ad shoot. I'm only an extra - yawn, but it is a big beer brand, so that's exciting.

I wish things would work out with the boy, but it doesn't look like it's going to. And I am trying. I really am trying to be more of the person I am, but with exams it is difficult. And he doesn't seem to want to try. BUT every cloud has a silver lining and mine is that it means I don't have anyone holding me back here and I can leave and explore the world. Which is EXACTLY what I plan to do. I am making fucking lemonade over here bitches, do you fucking mind?

OH and I turned in my funding application today, so I shall see what they have to say. I should know by December if they are going to give me 100k to study next year. I don't know what I want more, funding or London. It's a tough choice.

Thanks for all the support always. And especially to the special ones who always comment and lend some support. My motto for the week: Fuck it.

Peace, Courage & Strength
Xo Xo

The Last Few Days...

HAVE SUCKED GINORMOUS HAIRY DONKEY BALLS!

So basically my life has gone to shit and back in the last few days. On Friday, I fasted, NOT because I wanted to, but because I could not literally eat. The boy and I had a sit down chat about how he isn't in love with me anymore. So I am going to move out, actually I am going to move to England. Unless I get funding for my next degree, then I will do that and then fuck off to London. Which frankly, I am really excited about. And honestly, I am not all that sad that my relationship is failing - I haven't been happy in a while. Basically where we are though is "working on it." I'm trying to change some things about myself that he has issue with - for example apparently my opinionated-ness is seen as bitchy and I have no imagination - apparently. Fuck me, I moved to London to be an artist - and I have no imagination - okay.

So Friday night I went out with my sister and cried and got absolutely hammered ass anihilated drunk and cut myself to pieces. My torso looks like I have been attacked. Criss crossed cuts up and down my fat ass stomach. And a couple on my arm. The next afternoon, the boy and I had a shower together and he saw them. I don't care - what is he gonna do - dump me!? Wha'eva.

So yesterday was spent just spending time together and trying to remember why exactly we are dating each other. The thing is though, that I don't like the person I have become with him and if I can try go back to how I was in the beginning then maybe I will be okay and this relationship will survive. I don't think he is worth killing myself over though. The thought of him with someone else nauseates me.

Yesterday, I ate a lot. Today, I haven't eaten yet but I am going to get some chinese or something yummy. I don't care. BUT, exciting news - I have been booked for an advertisement - for a beer commercial. I am not sure if it is print or tv commercial, but I'm stoked. I am also probably a background extra and the shoot is 13 hours long and quite a drive out of town. But who cares!? WOOHOO for commercial. So I am going to fast tomorrow. Don't want to be fat on the job.

Yes, my life is a bit crap at the moment. But c'est la vie. Cut cut, drink drink - woowoo ... andddd sleep.

Thanks for all the comments.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

In the afterglow...

My brain feels like it's expanding and contracting... man - WAY too many bongs last night. By the time I went to bed, I couldn't really talk or stand up - way too stoned. Hahaha.

So my exam went SO well yesterday. I walked out and was like - owned it - like a boss! But then everyone else was saying what a shitty paper that was and how they didn't understand blah blah, so one of two things. Either, I rocked that shit like a mutha fuckin polaroid ninja - OR I am in total denial and missed the point entirely. I guess the only way to know is to wait for the marks to come out. Be that as it may, I totally decided that a good exam is worth celebrating, so I went and bought two bottles of wine and some friends came over, bought some reef and we had a little party. The boy went to see Kings of Leon last night, and since I had an exam at 5pm, I couldn't go with. So yes, I got ended last night. My brain feels a bit foggy. But hey. Whatevs.

I also binged like a maniac yesterday because I figured I needed exam energy and if I was gonna binge, I may as well go all out. So I did. Won't even go into everything I ate. But it was a lot. So today I am going to fast, although damn I am already thinking of food. But I must just be strong. I haven't been drinking much water lately, so I need to get back into that. Water, water, coffee, coffee. :)

Thanks for all the awesome comments. Sorry I haven't been particularly interesting lately, my brain is so sore right now. Gonna go watch Glee - embarrassing, wha' wha' whatever :)

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Run RUN Away

Still feeling like crap. My relationship is still falling apart. I still have an exam in a few hours. I barely slept last night and when I did I dreamt of zombie apocalypse. I HATE ZOMBIES!

I fasted yesterday and still haven't eaten so it has been about 34 hours now. He is going out tonight and tomorrow night and Friday he is sleeping at his mothers so he can spend the last night with his brother before the brother moves to another city. SO I can effectively fast until I drop. Which is what I want to do. Definitely won't be eating tonight and gonna see if I can stick it out to Thursday as well. Well, anyway I'm not getting my hopes up, but I am going to see how long I can stretch it. But I am feeling strong, definitely think I can make it through today - I just need coffee. My weight is 138 - awesome. NOT REALLY. Hopefully by tomorrow I can see a 136? :D Maybe.

So after reading your comments on my last blog - my exams do mean something to me. I have tried to kill myself before, except it didn't work. Divine intervention really. And I tried a day before my finals and as a result, I am still trying to finish my degree. I know I probably should have the attitude of no failure, no regrets - having been foiled once before I need to think pragmatically. Also, I would like to at least have accomplished something in my life before I die and these exams will graduate me, so why not. I am definitely going to look for a job for next year and keep going. After I finish exams I am also going to drug myself for a week and sleep it out. Why not.

My mother thinks I should go back to London. And OMG I REALLY would love that, but I need a visa, which is damn near impossible to get. So yes, I may run away. I have also been considering Australia, because I think I would like it there or even Canada. But London is first prize. So I shall see what I can do. In theory I should try and get my ancestral visa. I don't know, I don't know. I'm sure I can do it. My poor baby kitten though would have to stay here. :( I think flying half way across the world wouldn't be good for him. But I know my bf would look after him... well I hope he would. The resentment is creeping in. WHATEVER!

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts
Xo Xo

Falling Apart

After almost ten years - I cut. It took me a solid half hour to unearth the blades, but I cut. Just a couple little ones on my hip.

I have an exam tomorrow, which I know I have to get to. I just want to finish these exams then take a bottle of pills and get it over and mutha fucken done with. Someone asked me the other day what I wanted out of life. And the best answer I could come up with was: Death. Quite frankly, the only thing I have really really wanted in the last three years is to die. I thought maybe I could kill myself after my exams... Only thing is that then my cat would stay with him and I don't want him to have my cat. I am growing to resent him and I can see that the resentment is going to turn into hate. WHAT AM I DOING!?

Yesterday I fasted until I got home from the library at 11pm and then I had some tomato chickpea, kidney bean olive stuff with the tiniest amount of pasta. I felt like I need to be alert for my exam. So I ate. It wasn't a lot. But no surprise, I haven't lost today, so today shall also be a fast day, except no eating after the library. After dinner last night I had a small glass of milk to drink and for some reason he got mad with me - I don't know what it was about but it seemed as if it was the milk. So now, fine. If he doesn't want me to have anything, then I fucking won't. Fuck you.

He is also having dinner with his ex and her gf on Thursday and guess who isn't invited again. I feel like I'm this fat porcelain doll that he has on a shelf and he takes me down to play sometimes but while I'm on the shelf I have to stay there. And we live together. Which makes it worse. It was going so well, and then friday and now it's all fucked up again. I don't know what to do. Cut. That was the solution this morning.

I dunno...

Oh and thanks for the comments everyone. I appreciate the support. We are strong. We just have to remember it, because sometimes I think we forget.

Strength & Courage
Xo Xo

Bloaty McWhale Mondays

Yesterday - I ate a lot of carbs. I feel bloated and heavy and gross. SO today is going to be a fasting day. Of course. I read a blog about a woman who has lost 100lbs (she started at about 300) she is also not one of us. She eats around 1600 cals a day and thinks that a bmi of 22 is fine. Pfffffft - Wha'eva! She had had a convo with some woman who was on a 500 cal per day diet and she blogged about how ridiculous it is to eat so little. My god did I giggle. I commented on it saying that to some 500 calories is a feast! Oh she has no idea. She messaged me back saying that she found out after she posted the blog that the girl has been bulimic for years. Damn, fucking, right. Because no healthy person in their right mind would ever go on a 500 cal per day diet. What we do is ludicrous - no doubt about that - BUT it is the sacrifice that we make to be skinny.

I have an exam in two days so today I am hitting it hard. Not amped, but I may have a nap because I am feeling nauseous. I also just flooded to fucking kitchen with the washing machine. GodDAMMIT! It's the third time I have done that. But my pile of laundry has gone down significantly in the last day because of non stop washing cycles. Yay for clean clothes that don't fit me. I need to find a job.

Skinny Thoughts & Peace
Xo Xo

Naked Thinspo

Skinny(er) & Proud

Goddammit well the last 24 hours have been interesting! Let's start with yesterday. I had a job interview (got offered the job, turned it down) and then went to the place I used to work at and got offered a job there again, which was great, but after my exams. Everyone there was like gahhhhhhh you're so skinny. (The words we all live for). I weighed in at 63.6 yesterday, which was fine after my binge.

Then last night I went out with my sister and felt sooo skinny. This super cute boy (two years younger - I feel like a cougar) was totally hitting on me. A pic you ask? okayyyy...

And yes, this is me kissing his cheek, he is pulling a weird face, but so cute. Anyway, will never see him again, but it was sooo much fun dancing around with him, he kept trying to kiss me which I fought off with an iron will. So cute. I was SO drunk though, because I fasted yesterday which went well, then I had 5 long island ice teas and was fubar (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition) and this boy kept trying to twirl me on the dance floor which was difficult for two reasons: 1. I was fucking drunk off my ass and 2. I was wearing these muthafucker high heels. Like SO high. It was challenging and I was falling everywhere. So anyway, had such a nice time. And all these boys were hitting on me and I felt so tall and skinny and my legs are looking so damn good.

So today I weighed myself and guess what?? NEW LOWEST WEIGHT! Okay only by 0.1kg but still. 62.6 (I always step on the scale twice, cuz obviously it could be wrong and the first reading was 61.8 and I start happy dancing, but then I was like.. "hang on" and stepped on three more times each were 62.6. Awesome moment. But then I ate chinese with my sister and drank coke, so ya. But I got an idea from reading all of your blogs which is that if I gain, I fast. If I lose then I get to eat 500 cals. So here is to losing. But, this will only apply till I get to 60, then I am going to reassess. But I am think that 132/60 isn't going to be low enough, so maybe 130? Or even 126? I dunno. Maybe. Wow, 126. What a low number. Shit. Anyway. I want my bmi at 18. Then maybe I will stop. :) Oh and took new measurements which I will put on my stats page, but for yall reading:

Waist: 73cm/28.5''
Hips: 86cm/33.5''
Bust: 85cm/33''
Thigh: 51cm/20''
My BMI is now 19.8 - Can I get a FUCK YEAH!?

So the big drama is that my boyfriend didn't come home last night and claimed to be at his friends house. But you know, I don't think I believe him. After all, why wouldn't he cheat on me. He hasn't told me where he was or apologised. I freaked out at 4am phoning and texting him thinking he was dead (I mean this is Africa you know!?) and nothing. So I am on a hunger strike until he apologises. We are going to his mother for dinner tonight, so he can either apologise or explain to his mom why I am not eating. It pisses him off that I don't eat, but it is rather sad that it is the only way I can force an apology. I have iron will. Try me mutha fucker. I don't care that he went partying and didn't come home. Whatever. I do care that he doesn't tell me, he knows I am totally neurotic and still he didn't text me to tell me he was too drunk to drive. Sorry for being inconsiderate. Four words - not difficult. I hate that I have to play these games, but fuck it man, be considerate of me. I love you. Sometimes I wish that he would cheat on me, so that I would have leverage over him. Like look - I am not always the bad guy. Because it fucking feels that way. I feel like his emotional door mat sometimes. Whatever. I am strong. Don't fuck with me. I can also play along.

Rant. Over. Thanks for all the lovely comments and welcome to all the new followers. I actually saw that two people stopped following my blog. I got upset for a minute until I realised how silly that is. Fuck those assholes and love to the ones that still follow. :)

Skinny & Proud
Xo Xo

And now I'm going back to sleep...

We could walk or job, or even a brisk walk - but we want to run, nay SPRINT. I'm not talking about weightloss oddly enough, I'm talking about life. I think we are trying to define ourselves and figure things out just like we are conditioned to do from such a young age and we feel guilty if we haven't got it all worked out. It is utter rubbish I think. We have more than 50 years to be defined and useful, to contribute, make babies, have jobs and pay tax. So why do we rush through highschool and varsity and try to figure it out? BECAUSE that is what the MAN teaches us. He teaches us to be prodigies, to be special. To figure it all out by 25. Then plateau for the rest of our lives and procreate. FUCK THAT! Gotta stick it to the man. ...Rant. Over.

So yesterday I had four cups of coffee with milk (30), then I had tomato soup (236) and about four thick cut chips (50). So just over 300. I don't think it was too bad actually. It took all that I had in me to not eat the chocolate my lecturer gave us to wish us well for the exam. OR the enormous packet of crisps in the cupboard. Tomorrow maybe I will eat those crisps, but only those crisps for the day. So with my normal coffee it will be about 600 for the day. Which is okay, I mean - it could be lower, but rather eat them and then they are done. Fuck, thinking about it is making me drool. Anyway, so 310 yesterday. Today I have had three cups of coffee with fat free milk (20) and about 60g of Cottage cheese (fat free) and lettuce - (70ish). So I'm rocking 90 for today so far. Tonight I think I am going to get it up to about 500. Well... I may just have soup again... But maybe I'll have something else. 500 is the limit for today. GOD I just want to eat.

I weighed in at 63 flat this morning 139 (Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee, welcome to the 30's. Why thank you!) with my BMI ringing in at... 19.9 (Weeeeeeee welcome to the below 20's) I want to eat to celebrate, but now THAT would be counter productive.

Anyway, so has anyone watched Supersize v Superskinny (programme in UK) I dunno what network it was on, but anyway, so they do this thing with the people on the show by working out how much they eat in a week, how many days they overeat or undereat by in a week. Based on 2000 - 2500 cals per day for a girl and 2200 - 2800 for a boy (I stand to be corrected on this by the way). So lets say that I am supposed to eat 2000 cals a day every day of the week. If I eat 500 cals on average per day for a week, I eat 3500 cals in 7 days. I'm averaging this out because somedays we binge some days we fast. This week, the average will be about 500. That means that in one week instead of eating 14 000 cals (Can you imagine eating this much!?) I eat 3500, which means, I undereat by 5 days worth of food a week. I eat food for 2 days over a whole week. Fuck. How awesome is that? I'm stoked that my bmi is going down.

Thanks for all the comments on my last blog. I will post more all round body pics when I get to 60 (132). Hopefully by the end of next week. Love to my husband and wife (George & Beth), our little polygamy circle - lucky boy George... :p

Peave & Love
Xo Xo

Cookies & Pics

I keep changing the title of this post...

Reprieve I tell you, REPRIEVE! As you are all aware, well some might not be (I find if I smoke too many bongs, I forget/lose days of the week) that today is Wednesday. Which means... stick insect with no soul time. So I shall start this in the usual fashion - I FUCKING HATE THAT DUMB STUPID BITCH WITH ALL MY HEART! VOMIT ON YOU! However, calmly, I shall continue my weekly rant. First off, she was later than usual today. Which was fantastic, because it meant that I didn't need to sit in class for 15 minutes before the lecture and listen to her shit stupid asshole-ness. When she did blow in she looked like shit. Her eyes really are abnormally bug eyed. Dumbo BUG EYES! Vomit on you. But what PISSED me off was that as soon as it was clear that her regular posse of boys was not attending this lecture, she made damn sure that the quiet-wannabe-popular gay boy was reassigned to the seat next to her. Is this a fucking popularity contest? She never speaks to him ever, except now she needs someone to sit next to, so she moved her books when he walked in and told him that he should "sit" *smile* VOMIT ON YOU!

In other news, the Jewish princess with the mutha fuckin' ugly shoes today wore quite nice ankle boots. So, okay, maybe all her shoes aren't FUCKING DISGUSTING, but she still walks like a dinosaur in them. As it turns out, she is in fact from Israel - so A) I don't feel so bad about calling her a Jewish princess. AND B) I almost forgive the dinosaur strut since, well maybe she's from Gaza and they only have rubble there. Haha, okay worse generalisation, but anyway. I think she gets points for being Israeli. Still walks like a T-Rex though.

And then the quiet blonde in front of me. I have hair colour envy of her, but she is one of those people who are thin and pretty, but I'm sure my BMI is lower than hers and I know she has cellulite, so I'm not inclined to dislike her because of that. She also really makes an effort to look nice for class, and hell you can't fault a girl for trying. She reminds me of an old law school friend. ANYWAY, my point is. After the break between periods, she came back to class with a HUGE mutha fuckin' cup of hot chocolate AND a cookie the size of my face. *sigh* I remember chocolate... She also took about half an hour to eat the damn thing. I was right behind her. It was empowering and really torturous at the same time. Chocolate cookies, the rack of ano's.

In other news, I handed in my application for masters today, I am busy with my funding applications (which I'm not likely to get) AND I have a test tomorrow and an exam in a week. I'm going to nap shortly.

Yesterday, I was doing well. Then I went to my mother for dinner and had the following:
- Broccoli with cheese sauce :(
- Boiled Rice with Peas in it
- 3 Halves of Roast Potato
- 1 largish serving of banoffee pie. FUCK YOU BANOFFEE PIE!

So it didn't go well. But whatever. I am going to either fast today or stick before 300. If he notices that I haven't had dinner, then i'll have a can of soup. I haven't lost or gained on the scale today. I want to try alternate between fasting days and  500 cal days. I just have to get around dinner time. Because he assumes that I nibble throughout the day, but if I don't eat at dinner then he freaks. Sometimes I get away with it though.

I just wanted to add something about my blog yesterday on Skinny Pride. I think the point that I failed to mention is that if you are heavy still or just starting out or even trying to lose and failing. Skinny pride I think is about aspiration to be skinny. I know I'm not "fat" (matter of opinion really), but I also am not skinny either. We all aspire to be skinny. That's why I advocate Skinny Pride. I can be better. And thanks for the comments. One day we shall all be skinny together :) :) We can do this. 

Peace, Serenity & Courage
Xo Xo

p.s. Welcome to all my new followers - and hey hey hey to the old ones :) I do try to look at all the blogs of my new followers, but sometimes don't get round to them. If I'm not following yours, lemme know mkay? X

So this is me... My feet are together and I'm not bending, so it's my "Real" Thigh Gap. As you can see, there is a long way to go, but hey, thigh gap.

And from the side. Notice of course my nice pooch and the cellulite just under the ass. I forgot I took these pics, but now seeing them, today is definitely going to be a fasting day.

Skinny Pride Bitches!

Fuck fat people. Fuck fat people telling us how much they weigh and their diets and how they look shit in their clothes and then chug down alcopops, beer and cider and shove their faces full of potatoes and pizza! Fuck fat people!

Last night I went to a comedy club with a friend of mine. My bf bailed at the last minute so it was me with her and her beau. And before I left, I could not find a single thing to wear that made me feel like I wasn't a baby elephant. Eventually I settled on this cute black dress (strapless, fitted to the waist where it bubbles out, studs on the bustier edge) and a black bolero with plimsoles. And a green scarf. And the dress was quite short, since it is summer. Anyway. But it made me look so neat and cute. Like nothing spilling out. My legs are looking skinny-ish. And she told me last night she now weighs 74kgs/163, which is over 10kgs more than me (20lbs) and ya know what. Fuck it, it feels good. So I sat there the whole night, sipping water and coke light (booze has way too many calories for me right now, and exams round the corner so I can't afford the hangover either). And she was telling me about all the things she eats. She has a full breakfast every single day. Including cereal and eggs. I mean - that's more than I eat in the whole day. But suck it. I fasted yesterday, and I'm planning on fasting today if I can get away with it. Skinny fucking pride. I don't eat, but my bmi is hovering around 20 and I am proud. HAHA can't fucking wait until I hit 128. THEN skinny pride is going on parade!

And you know, I think it is actually so unfair that fat people can go on about how fat is the new sexy, and men like curvy girls, etc etc, bullshit bullshit. But we work harder than fat people to stay at our weight. Blood, sweat, vomit and tears. But we have to hide. We have to cover ourselves in oversized clothing so people don't notice that maybe we are thinner than normal. SO fucking what! This society is so fucked up. Everyone wants to be skinny, but it's a crime if we are. We idolise celebrities that are walking skeletons and we aspire to be like them, but god forbid we try look like them. Bullshit.

Today - 18 October 2011 - is skinny pride for me! Today, I am not apologising for not eating. I am not apologising or making excuses. If I don't wanna eat and go for an hour run, fuck you. Skinny pride.

Yesterday, I had about four cups of coffee with 20g of fat free milk in each, 2 small cans of coke light - that's it! <3 Today I have had two cups of coffee - I put sugar in the one accidentally and then I drank it. That was 33 cals just on sugar. I think I may be going to my mom for dinner, so i'll have to eat there. But keep it below 300. Weighed in at 63.7 this morning (140) stoked. Hopefully, will be below 140 tomorrow. :D

Skinny Pride Ladies. Fuck the fatties!!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Fuck Sakes

Well, the weekend was basically one big fucken binge fest. How amazing. I didn't even drink, but man did I eat. So this week is going to be a hectic restriction week. I don't feel too bad about it because my weight hasn't gone up too much, bearing in mind that there is still an entire pizza in my belly from last night. So, it will be fine. Today is going to be a liquid fast day. Coffee all day, soup for dinner. No more than 300.

Also, I have decided to do some 'toning' exercises, 100 jumping jacks (suprisingly amazing for my calves), 100 crunches, 30 wide leg squats (does wonders for my ass) and then some dumbbell exercises for my triceps. I like my biceps, just the bejjiggle on the bottom part of the arm that needs work. So I am going to try do those at least every second day. Hopefully, my stomach will be more amazing than currently. I have to study today too, and tomorrow, and the next day.

The place that I trained at on Thursday has not called me back yet, so I shall assume that that was a bust. Moving on to something else... Fuck it. And I need to hand in my funding applications etc tomorrow or Wednesday, so I need to fetch a reference letter today about that. Goddammit.

Anyway, I need to look sexy this weekend. Yes I can. AND I just need him to go to his meeting, so I can get started on my exercise. In the mean time - reading cases, reading cases...

Strength & Peace
Xo Xo

I'm With You

The new Red Hot Chili Peppers is currently blowing my mind hole. Go listen to it now. It is amazing. I binged yesterday, so I am fasting today. And I'm vegan for the next week, which also restricts my lovely coffee, but I don't care. Fat Piggies have to make sacrifices. Fat Piggies don't deserve yummy things. Fat Piggy is going to visit her ex in a short while, the one that is still in love with her for a bit of a taste of the sticky icky. BUT I don't care because this music is so awesome! Then tonight to a party at a place in town which is the after party of the festival I went to last weekend, I am seriously hoping that George (the other George :p ) will be there...

Love & Skinny Thoughts to all. And to all, Love & Skinny Thoughts

Peace
Xo Xo

The Naked Truth

 Naked thinspo - my newest brain child. Which got me to thinking - I really can't stand looking at myself naked. Firstly, (and yes, I'm diving right in here) vaginas are not the most attractive things to look at, only because of that little fat pad that sits directly above. I mean who decided that. I once went through a list with my boyfriend of all the things I'd change if plastic surgery didn't leave scars. And there really wasn't much. I mean my calves down would stay, my forearms and... that's it. Being naked is pretty much a reminder of the failure to be skinny... Failure of willpower I guess. Or that my thighs are still flabby, my stomach looks like I just had a baby, I'm too pale, etc etc. It goes on and on. I guess the key to

recovery for people would be to be able to stand in front of a mirror and not hate what you see. But it's not just weight - it's the colour of my teeth or my freckles, my lips are too thin, my feet look like Charlie Brown feet. Imperfections, imperfections, imperfections - will you ever go away. By chasing perfection, we can attain excellence. But if you can't even attain excellence, you will just chase perfection. MAYBE because the weight is such a drastic drop, the skin doesn't have time to bounce back so quickly, so after a little while of being that weight, the skin will follow suit. Also, an idea of what I look like - my body type is pretty much exactly like Agnes Dynnes - boyish, very small breasts. And you
know, I like small breasts. I think big/fake ones look ... unattractive. I don't like cleavage. I want to look like a board from the side, okay maybe with a little ass, because let's face it - big flat flabby pale ass isn't attractive. I think everyone has their own opinion of breasts. But mine, is that they should be small. I hate my nipples though, I think they are too big, but according to my boy, they're not. Fuck, I dunno. It's not like I look at boobs much you know?

I started working at that restaurant last night and it was me with five boys, who were in their varying degrees of cute. This one though (I nicknamed him Monster) was really really nice. He has the same name as my ex who had a rampant coke problem, so let's just say I found it difficult to call him by that name. So anyway, Monster looks just like this friend of mine, sounds the same and he is so very very sweet. I think I definitely made a friend there. It's nice to start at a place for once and not be looking to hook up with the cute people that work there. And I'm not gonna lie, I looked cute. I had a black tshirty type thing on, but it had a collar round the back of the neck, so it was fashionable (NOT a golf shirt - sis) and black leggings, and I know I have a reasonably nice ass. The key I find is to make the boys think you are hot, then the respect and friendship will follow, so I was bending over a lot. Fuck, I sound so arrogant. I'm not - promise. Anyway, then I had minimal make up, because my skin is quite porcelain-like, so a little mascara, a hint of blush and a bit of gloss goes a long way, with my hair in a low side ponytail. It looked cute. :) Although, I am a mild germaphobe, so I was busting out my hand sanitiser every couple minutes. Anyway, but there was this boy, who looked like a 70's tennis player (long hair with headband, shorts, teeshirt, converse with white socks pulled up, not entirely bad looking) who was incapable of saying please and thank you. Look I know we aren't trying to win any Miss Congeniality awards here, but my mother taught me manners. Gonna have to groom that one. I am obstinate at the best of times. Try me mutha fucker!

In other news, I had a bit of a hungover binge yesterday before I went to work. I had a can of tuna, a piece of carrot cake, pasta with cheese on it and an enchilada. Yeah, not proud. But then I did also not eat from 3pm yesterday. Starting a fast for today. Gonna try not to eat till about 8pm. That's a 29 hour fast. I can totally do this. Although, I am CHUGGING down coffee right now. I am sitting on my couch right now, and I knew that I needed to put the coffee on, but to get up and do it - ahhhhh. So then I did get up only to find we are out of coffee. But then my boy came home with a new bag o' beans. Stoked to say the least. And then he put the pot on. So. Yay.

Just also wanted to say a quick thank you to all the people that read and comment on my blog. Means the world to me. Couple of points though on all the comments. First, I'm not really a bitch. I am actually really nice, most things I say are dripping with sarcasm, so it's a nice bitchy... if that's possible. Also, this is nothing that I wouldn't say to people faces. I hate pretentious, two-faced people and about three years ago, I decided I was never going to say things about people that I wouldn't say to their faces. I guess unless it was unnecessarily hurtful. Like the Dinosaur in my class, her taste is shoes is mutha fuckin' AWFUL, but hey I dress like a hobo sometimes, so who am I to judge really. But stick insect with no soul - I'm looking for a fight. Fuck sakes.

A quick aside, my boy just walked downstairs to tell me why Microsoft "fucking sucks" something about HDMI cables... or something. It went something like this "I need this dude, to plug into that guy, but you can't so you have to buy the cable..." Then went upstairs where the cat had appropriated his computer chair, so then he started singing to the cat whilst he booted him off. Ah, my darling.

Anyway, also my kissing all those boys. I haven't slept with a fraction of them. I can still count the boys on two hands... okay three. Whatevs. Still, I'm 24 - not that bad! My gay bff and I used to go to a lot of frat-type parties. And I'd be the bargain for a drink. I.e. buy me a drink and you can kiss my friend. So I'd make out with four/five boys in a night. This went on for most of my undergrad degree, so four years of hard partying and the numbers add up. I was also single for all of that time... well most. It's only in the last year that I have been in committed relationships really. But because This Is Africa, HIV is a big ass deal, so people don't really sleep around here. Kissing around is totally fine. And also, my city is such an incestuous little place that you will get a rep for whoring around. When I was 21, I made out with an 18 year old. That was a low point for me. "Is it desperate or is it empowering? Well, is he older than 18? Yes. EMPOWERING! "

I also forgot to mention Eric Clapton in my obsessed music category. I feel like he was unfairly omitted. I'll stop now.

Love, Respect, Happiness, Courage, Strength, Skinny Lattes, Hope & Peace
Happy Friday Lovely Ladies & William
Xo Xo

25 Random Things About Me

I have taken a page from Beth's book and I think it's fun fun fun. But firrrrsssttt. Yesterday was a good day kinda, I had a smoked salmon salad for dinner - lettuce, salmon, cottage cheese and avo - so maybe maybe 400 and then I slipped up and had carrot cake, and then I got drunk on my couch. Needless to say, I feel like assgravy today, but it's okay BECAUSE I got my period this morning (I feel so sorry for William having to read our blogs with girly period info on it - sorrrrry Will) which means a) I'm not pregnant and b) the hormonal binging can finally stop and c) I am retaining water so I am actually lighter than I weighed in at 64 this morning. Whoop.

This morning I saw this girl at varsity - incidentally also one I fucking hate like the goddamn plague, but for different reasons than the stick insect with no soul (or brain). She is what we call at my law school - a Jewish princess - which is cool. Lots of family money, tall, dark hair, well educated, well spoken, polite. Which is great. Sounds like a great girl right? She is - she is nice and friendly and I get on well with her. BUT the reason for my dislike... okay I don't really 'fucking hate her like the goddamn plague' - she just really irritates me, because she always wears the UGLIEST mutha fuckin' shoes you ever saw in your life. Like just nasty. Like brown peep toe snakeskin slingback cork wedges. FUCKING DISASTER. What makes it worse is that she walks like a fucking dinosaur!! If you are going to wear high heels to campus where there is a lot of walking - at least learn how to not walk like a fucking velociraptor! SERIOUSLY - I haven't seen a walk like that since Jurassic PARK! She also has an ass the size of China - maybe why I don't hate her! Us fatties need to stick together! Buttt I disgress.

I start working at that place later. Whelmed. But that does mean that I won't eat dinner - AWESOME - so I had tuna now, because I'm hungover so I think I need it. My tummy is so sore though - FUCK YOU LADY PARTS AND PERIOD PAIN. Okay. God I write like I have tourrettes.

SO 25 Random Things About Me:
1. I am totally in love with Van Halen, Dire Straights, Bob Dylan, The Doors and Johnny Cash. Dudes, you have no idea.
2. I am scared of just about everything - zombies, ghosts, aliens, supernovas, falling into the water at the harbour, sharks, airplanes crashing into my house, old people. Severely limits my movie choices.
3. I loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeee tequila!
4. I love to eat mexican with my tequila!
5. I am obsessed with my BlackBerry and am always on it texting like a maniac! (On my next point, if any of yall wanna text - leave your pins - I'm serious. )
6. I think Ben Affleck is the best and sexiest (I know - the shame)
7. I played for a cricket club until I was 14 - yes that's right EPIC!
8. I want to be a judge when I grow up
9. I love watching sport. Like a freak. Rugby, cricket, F1, cycling, tennis, golf and soccer in particular.
10. I have an anxiety disorder - probably relates to my fear of everything somehow.
11. I have five parents and five siblings.
12. I HATE onions, jelly and eggs.
13. I say I'm a vegetarian, but actually I'm pescatarian. I love fish.
14. I love playing cards - my favourite game is called shithead. I'll teach you.
15. My favourite author is Wilbur Smith. South African - brilliant.
16. I live in the most beautiful city in the world and all I want is to leave it.
17. I once walked into a light post while texting on my phone in Kentish Town, London.
18. I have made out with probably over 300 men (and probably about 20 odd women). I'm not kidding. Kissing MONSTER!
19. I am a Democrat for the purposes of the US, Conservative for the purposes of UK (David Cameron is amazing) and DA for South Africa. Politics is my porn.
20. I hope to complete my PhD at Oxford one day...
21. I drive a Toyota Yaris named Stevie Blue (After Stevie Ray Vaughn and cuz he's blue)
22. I hate shopping for clothes - probably because I hate crowds and people - but also because I can't afford everything I want.
23. I plan to write my masters dissertation on Anti-Corruption Convention Implementation.
24. I HATE STUPID PEOPLE. And ppl dat wryt like dis bcuz dey tink its kewl - you have a keyboard... and a brain... Please beat yourself with the abortion bat.
25. I tried really hard to teach my cat to walk on a leash, which I succeeded at, but then I didn't 'walk' him so he forgot. And my boyfriend won't let me walk him anywhere except our complex, which is four units... fail.

Yay! Stoked that I did that. So the plan is to eat nothing else today and be under 64 tomorrow! Sorry I haven't really been posting about weightloss much, I was really stoked about this list thang. Muchos amore!

Peace & Awesomeness
Xo Xo

Dumb Fucking Bitch Wednesday AGAIN!

You guys must be so sick of this particular rant but I had class with that dumb ass whore stick insect with no soullllll this morning. And guess what - I WANT TO STAB HER WITH MY PEN! I swear, at one point she was going on - like you know when someone in class just keeps going on and on and on about some lame ass point that makes no sense, and the lecturer is trying to explain but she just isn't getting it. That is what she was doing - saying that for the purposes of patents - pharmaceuticals and medical process (operations, diagnostic tests, etc) are the same thing. I mean. FOR. FUCK. SAKES. And then whenever I'd say something she would chip in to try make me look wrong. Seriously bitch, don't fuck with me. SHE IS SUCH AN ASSHOLE. And as per usual I got to class about ten minutes early and she was there. Surrounded by all the cute boys talking about male contraceptives (no seriously, apparently there is a pill for men now!) and they were lapping it up. I wish she'd just use her dumbo fucking ears and fly away. FUCK I HATE HER. Anyway, while she was going on and on proving how stupid she really is, I just wanted to sharpen my pen a little and stab her in the back of her perfectly adorned head. FUCK HER! Okay next week is the last class I'll ever have with her - I promise I'll stop ranting about her then. Well... I still may see her at the exam, so you may have to forgive another two rants about the fucking dumb stick insect bitch with no soul... or brain for that matter. FUCK. Moving along.

Yesterday, I binged. Again. But today, I'm determined. Been running around getting forms and applications and speaking to people. I'm trying to get funding for my masters degree. No. Fucken. Money. I mean it's lame. Anyway. Please university give me funding to be a self-righteous intellectual! Pretty pretty please. But I need to apply to the university as well. I also set a study time table which I am going to get into after I finish writing this.

So I get inspiration for thoughts and stuff when I read other blogs. It's kinda weird. But people make you think... For example, Beth put this HECTIC pic of two rather large walrus's feeding each other McDonalds on her blog - and ya know - firstly, how is it that ladies so large will show that much skin... on film... I mean, I'm a third of their size and I haven't been that exposed publicly since birth! I also have a pact with him that if I get about a bmi of 23 he'll lock me in a room and refuse to feed me. I think it's a good trade. I mean I worked hard to get down from 180ish, so fuck it. I need to stay there. I'm not weighing in today because of my binge.

OH YESSSSS and needless to say SGD is failing miserably because of my binges. I'm so shitty at sticking to diets. But I think maybe I should just continue with restricting on my own terms. No pressure that way. Anyway. 132 by Halloween! Yes we can! :D

Another thing that I was thinking about whilst reading is how our binge weight gradually gets lower and lower and this is the indication of how we are losing. I mean for instance. When I started blogging after a binge i'd be about 68kgs. (That number looks so BIG now). Now after a binge my weight is around 64kgs. (ALSO a BIG muthafuckin' number). So I guess, as I said to William (welcome back doll!! :D) it's kinda two steps forward, one step back. We are all going to slip up and fail at some point. I mean, we will all have three day long binges etc etc, but as long as that post binge weight keeps coming down - we are doing okay!

Thanks for all the love and support to you all!! :D I have some cases to read now. FUCK MY LIFE! But I have had lots of coffee, so I shouldn't fall asleep too quick now. OH and I am starting work at this place tomorrow. NOT excited. But it's money so, whatevs.

Love & Kindness
Xo Xo

Hello Panic Attack!

So for some reason this morning I have been on the cusp of a panic attack since I woke up. Here are the order of events. I woke up, went down stairs - watched the new eps of Vampire Diaries and Grey's (<3), then got this phonecall saying "Hi, may I speak with Fat Piggy" (well they used my name obviously) and then hung up. So I called back and it was a dead line. I don't know if I should be stressed about this or not - like I have dead paranoia that the CIA are following me. Anyway. So then I go upstairs to print out a resume - because I still need a muthafucken job, and see an email on my bf's computer to me, but it's just a blank email with my email add in the 'To:" bar. So nothing really - and I'm all like 'he's going to break up with me - there's something he can't say to my face - something's wrong, etc etc." God. Anyway, queue panic attack.

So SGD day one. In an attempt to avoid a panic attack, I thought maybe my sugar levels or something were low cuz I was shaky and stuff - so I ate something. So I have basically nothing left for the day. But if I just eat some fruit or veggies later, then I will be fine. Come to think of it, I did have like two massive cups of really strong coffee this morning, and caffeine makes a person really shaky and stuff - maybe that is the onset of the panic attack explanation, maybe...

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. You are all so lovely :) :). I don't really have much to contri-fucking-bute today. SO sad. I have to get my studying shit together. Gotta do it. OH ya, saw this friend of mine who made out with a seriously hot work buddy last weekend, and she has a bf, so she's all like "ADVICE ADVICE", I dunno. I truly that sometimes things like that just happen. I know it's a shitty thing to say, but you know - people get drunk and then they don't know what the fuck they are doing and they just fuck out and make mistakes. It happens. But if you don't draw a line in the sand and you let the cheating go on in your head - then you are fucked. And once you consciously i.e. not drunkly cheat on someone, emotional or otherwise, your relationship will be fucked forever. There's no going back after cheating. I have cheated before, I KNOW the muthafuckin' situation. And guilt eats.

There is my contribution to the philosophy of life today. Fuck I feel so miserable and shitty. My period is due in a day or two. Always a waiting game. Fuck sakes. OH YA and I weighed in at 64.4kg today. So basically 2kgs down from yesterday. Amazing.

Love & Strength

Xo Xo

Sexy Thinspo for Sam Lupin!

If you haven't seen Sam Lupin's blog, do it nooowwwww!

Update side: Failed epicly on the apple fast - bf started bitching about how we never eat dinner together, so we ate dinner together. Fail. I am either starting to TSS diet tomorrow (like Sam ;) ) OR the SGD. I wouldn't be able to handle the ABC. Anyway, doing it!

Thanks to everyone who takes time to comment on my blog. I really love you all! Welcome to my new followers. I do follow most of your blogs. My reading list is becoming hugeeeeee, but it's sexy and I like it. :D

Anyway, sexy thinspo for Sam! <3 <3 <3

Mesus MuthaFuckin' Suess

Holy Shit balls, fuck me, I survived that festival! Holy shit shit shit! I was so fucked on the first night, I don't remember much. But there was this boy called Pete, who was so sweet and so nice. It's the kind of boy that makes you go - goddamit I have a bf - WHY WHY WHY WHY!!! Fuck, I'm actually going to find him on FB. I neeeeeeed to. He was so cool. And he saved me at 5am, in the middle of a field, with these strange ass people who I was talking to and kept me warm by the dam while we spoke. What an awesome guy. *sigh* Just a quick visual for the ladies - tall (I'm 5'10'' - so TALLER than I), black hair with a red streak, tats on his legs, black rimmed glasses - it's like a taller, hotter travis barker. Goddamn!!

There was this girl who camped with us also, who was so skinny and apparently a model, but not very pretty at all. So this week I am on the apple diet - i.e. only eating apples this week - as many as I want - but only apples and obs tea and coffee. Fuck her. I wanted to cut a chunk of hair out of her head. Her thighs were miles apart. Like real life thinspo right there. I ate so much crap this weekend as well. Pizza, deep fried chips etc etc etc. But on the plus side, I also walked a lot,  because it was ages from the campsite to the main stage area. Which was rad. I look pretty okay in the pics as well and I was bikini clad for some of the weekend, but I'm still not thin enough. So new goal is 132lbs by Halloween. And then I shall go as a cat! Yes We Can.

I shan't go into exactly how fucked I was this weekend. Ftw! :D :D. But we have some amazing bands. If you guys have a second check out a band called Civil Twilight (click here for FB page) - they seriously and absolutely blew my mind hole. And the singer is the hottest thang... Wow. Anyway.

So yes, I'm super fat again. My weight that I saw on the scale last night is way too embarrassing to put here. Although to be fair, I imagine a lot of that has to do with the actual food rotting in my stomach right now, so once that passes, i'll get a better idea of how much weight I put on this weekend. I'm sure a week of apple eating will sort that right out. Good to know my kidneys are still functioning and fuck me GEORGE, my throat and lungs are fucked right up. Smoked way to much of the reef this weekend. But it was a festival so oh well.

I had such an amazing time wiith my boyfriend as well. I realised why it was that I was so in love with him to begin with. He's such an amazing man. *sigh*, it may have been the atmosphere though :D

Anyway, I shall be spending my afternoon catching up on the blogs I missed this weekend, so a leeeeettle patience lovelies, I'm comin'.

Oh and I have decided that I shall do at least 100 full sit ups each day, cuz I was at this fezzie and there was nothing to lean back against when sitting and I had to lean on my arms, I mean how weak is my core if I can't even support my own body? So, yes, sit up time. Also with the apple diet this week, I am going to cut them up and eat with a fork and knife. Yes, it is a meal - treat it as such!

Peace, Love, Respect & Happy Vibes Monday :) :)
Xo Xo

Response to Comments & Update

I should be studying, but just quick quick quick.



Heather: If I was convinced I wouldn't get a disclinary hearing at my varsity, I would totally cut her hair. I may or may not have sneakily tried to follow her to the carpark to key her car, but that has presented it's own "unique" challenges. Let's just say, I have no stealth... or tact :D

Grace - pleassssssssse send on the recipe about the vegan bacon tofu transformation vibes. I fucken HATE tofu, but I am SO keen to try it!
Sam Lupin - I may write a blog dedicated to your awesomeness. Hope the SGD/ABC is still going well. Gawd lady, if you keep going at your rate, you'll out-skinny us all!
Goxxxy - how weird is it that we keep weighing in the same!!? Dude, that's fucken bizarro as fuck!
Barbie - thanks :D I'm a bit of a dork, but my bf does tell me that I'm 'special' at least once a day. I guess it makes for interesting blogging *snort giggle*
Haley - The awesome thang about the gap (besides that is it there!?) is that I have stupidly narrow hips for my frame so I never thought i'd get there. But like, that inner thigh bejiggle is still very present, so I'm gonna have to hit that. I wish I could sandpaper my body sometimes, like smooth over the edges I don't like.
Linny - I am 5'10''/1.78m so I am pretty tall I guess. I haven't taken my measurements in a while, but will take either tomorrow or friday :)


In other news, I didn't 'save' today at all. Had a fat binge. BUT in an attempt to save myself, I am soooo fucken stoked to try the salt water cleanse that I found on Grace's Blog. I think it really will help with at least a solid 2lb-er. Yesssss we can!!

My bf is busy meeouwing at me, lol.

Peace, Love & Skinny Thoughts
Xo Xo

Thigh-Gaps-AHOY

My thighs definitely don't touch anymore when I put my feet together. No bending over or usual tricks. They don't touch for reals. When I get down to my GW you know you'll see pics! Fucken STOKED! I attempted to take pics today, but it looks so much fatter in a pic than in real life... So I decided against it, but no matter what - 132lbs/60kgs will be accompanied by a pic! Hopefully can be 60 by this time next week. We'll see!

So that stupid stupid bitch from my one class that I blogged about last week. I would like to reiterate how much I. Want. Her. To. Die. FUCKING SKITCHY WHORE BAG MUTHAFUCKEN SKANK ASSBAG! Her hair is still super pretty... and her waist is still super tiny. BUT today *evil laugh* her hair was tied back, and guess what!? SHE HAD DUMBO ears. Not just a little big, like HUGE! And they sit really low on her head, so she kinda looks a bit down syndrome! HA! Muthafucker! HAHAHA! AND her eyes are so big she looks like a bug! Why don't you go fuck yourself bug-eyed dumbo whore! Okay, rant over.

So I weighed in at 62.9 this morning. Stoked about that. I then proceeded to have a solid 1000 cal binge. Which consister of bread, french fries and vegan bacon. (with dressings obviously). But I figure if I go for a nice long walk later and have something super low cal for dinner or have nothing at all, I can save it. I am not good at "saving" it. But 1200 cals is a lot better than say 2000. And since my last two days have been about 500/400, a high cal day will hit my metabolism.

I also got a shiton of sleep last night with the aid of some sleeeeping drugs. Only problem when you take these sleeping drugs is that you want to sleep for like ... 16 hours. So I sleep for about 11 hours last night, got up, went to class, came home and slept for three more. So NOW I finally feel like I am awake. Thank god. Gonna go for a quick walk right now to go get some mmmmmMilk and some fat free yoghurt for this facial thang I wanna do.

Right and THEN people people, Friday is D-day with the fezzie. I AM so excited. But it is going to be super difficult for two reasons: Beer & Festival Food. I'm talking cases of beer and burger, chips, pizza, pancakes, you name it - bitches be eating it. Fuck sakes.

Oh and I have a test tomorrow. Okay, so not really a particularly interesting blog. But ya, I'm still feeling grogs from those pills. Thanks for all the comments and support. I am write just a blog about the loveliness of my followers. Cuz yall FUCKEN ROCK SOCKS! :D

Skinny Love & Skinny Peace
Xo Xo

Caveman Syndrome!

First of all, thanks so much for the comments. You guys make me laughhhh (HAHAHAHA! *snort giggle*). And you know, so many of these blogs are lankkkk depro and some of mine are too, but hell I am so serious all the time (lawyer!) and it's nice to be able to put shit out there exactly how I think it.

Okay, so CAVEMAN fucking syndrome. It's real mkay? Basically, when a storm comes up (metaphorical or otherwise), instead of braving the weather, you retreat back to your cave and wait for the storm to pass. I am a fucking EXPERT at being a caveman... besides the fact that I can eat like a caveman... I don't do arguments or confrontation, unless I absolutely have to. Most of the time I just switch my phone off and hide in my house until it's forgotten or I'm ready to not be upset by it anymore. Essentially this is what I am doing with those two guys, because I don't want them to think I'm a fuckhead, so I hide. Let me also just preface this by saying that I really really am silly enough that I really don't like it when people dislike me. I think I'm pretty likeable. Lol anyyyywaaaays. Not important.

I think so often about calories (not just eating them) and how when I was at my fattest, I thought that 1200 per day was SUPER low. And most days I never made 1200. Then I thought, okay keep em down to 1000. And now 500 is my number, any more than that makes me angry. As we well now. Lol. 1200 calories - sounds like a fucking FEAST to me!

Yesterday, I ate and I ate and I ate. Although, I did keep it under 500. Miraculously. I literally had to sit down and be like 'okay fatass, you are going to be in a bikini in 5 days. DO YOU REALLY want to eat that!? PUT IT DOWN FATASS!!!!!" It was tough. I ate pickles like a fucking pickle monster. Then I had a whole cucumber. ALL the tomato soup I made, which was like 5 bowls (but it is so low in cals, that I could) and lots and lots of tea. But it felt like I just ate and ate and ate. Anyway, ended up at around 480. I would have liked it to be half that, buttttt it wasn't. I didn't binge. I didn't go crazy. So it's fine!

I am unfortunately craving carbs like a wild bear, so I am going to have pasta tonight. With pesto. Ohhh, and as per request I shall put the recipe for the soup and this pesto pasta up, but I swear they are soo easy it's not even worth it. Well, maybe I won't have pasta. But if I eat nothing today until then, then 300 cals of pasta won't be too bad right? Ahhhh and like I want mash potato, carbs carbs carbs. Fuck sakes. I am due for my period in about a week, maybe that's what the cravings are about. But it also means I will be Bloaty McWhale this weekend too. All that means though is less food for me.

It helps if I think that I need to take a step back from the eating thing. I'm like: You are a piece of toast. I am a 63.5kg Piggy. I can stomp on you and then you aren't so yummy looking anymore. Stomp stomp. Last night I just about cracked and so I took a piece of bread and was like, okay I'll just eat half of it. So I cut it in half and walked to the bin to throw half of it away. Then I was like... what if I just... oops I threw both halves away. Oh well. I didn't need the cals anyway. Oh right and I'm 1kg/2lbs down from yesterday. :) :) Happy happy. Hopefully I can be in the 62's tomorrow.

Fat Piggy Out! ^_^

Whoops & Loves
Xo Xo

Fuck your fucking face fucker!

I am so fucking furious with myself. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I think I swear too much. Fuck it. Anyway. I had a binge day yesterday. After my fast on Saturday, I was feeling very unwell yesterday. So in the morning I had a piece of toast and a glass of fat free milk... About 200 cals... More or less. Then I went to my mom for lunch. AND every fucking member of my family was giving me shit about eating, so I ate with them as well as dessert which wasn't even nice. So easily about... 600? Then I got home and had some crisps with my bf another 200 at least. Then another slice of toast with butter - 200. Then over baked fries. At least 400. So let's see the totals here people - hmmm 1600? Fucking terrible. Today I weighed myself and I'm back up to 64.5kg. Two binge days in the last week with only five days to go till the festival? Ahhh. Well I'm hoping to be a stable 62 by friday. I'm only eating soup till then. Well soup and salads. Basically - vegan, carb free week.

My ex and I chilled together on Saturday, which was really nice. Him and I have a complicated history and technically he's not even my ex. I was dating this other guy, but leaving for england. So it was always going to end. So L was friends with N and L always hung around N's flat etc etc. There was always something between us, like you know when you make weird eye contact and stuff. So one night N and I came home drunk off our asses and N went to bed. I wanted to watch tv and chill with L and M(flat mate of N) on the couch. M was fast asleep and L and I were kinda cuddling on the couch. Then we kissed. And it was all over from there. We slept together in the week later and hung out a lot. Then I got on a plane to London for 6 months. We texted a lot, fell in love blah blah blah but then his ex moved to our city and it was all over. MUTHAFUCKER! I hated him, I thought he was the biggest cunt bag on the planet. Anyway, so I didn't see him for the first 3 months that I was home, but by then I was dating my current bf. Anywwwway, so on SAturday he tells me he's still in love with me... Like. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that!?!?!? I think it's just cuz I am 'hotter' now that I am thinner. What a cunt honestly. So now, I think I need to just avoid him for a while. Make sure nothing happens. Because when you get drunk, it is really easy for something to happen.

Well okay, so now I have ranted like a mofo. Fuck sakes. I am so hungry. I'm going to make tomato soup, but a super low cal one i.e. tomatoes, an onion, garlic and some veggie stock. Super low cal. And snack on that all day. I have been trying to be good about my vitamins as well. So ya. Yes we can. Ahhhh, I'm so bleak that I won't be 60 by friday.

Bleakass.
Courage & Respect
Xo Xo

One-Way Ticket to Nervous Breakdowns-Ville

Thoroughly unimpressed with my life at the moment. First off - I didn't save Friday. I ate like a caveman! Which led to an unintentional fast yesterday. I got caught out lying to him about having eaten at my moms house. He said he was just worried... But then I asked if thought I was more attractive at this weight? And he said yes. Obviously. My mother gave me SHIT and then some more SHIT about my weight. Telling me I know a lot about nutrition and that I must take my own advice. But, I just said that I'm not an unhealthy bmi and that I am just trying to eat healthier and exercise more. Bullshit. BUT... anyway. I decided last night that I am going to try and be happy with 132lbs. I can't deal with this constant Spanish inquisition into my eating. How do you all deal with it? Because seriously, it's killing me.

That aside, I need to get started with this job. And exams are fast approaching. I slept for maybe 3 hours last night from worrying myself into staying awake. I need to start studying badly.

My scale this morning said 63.4kg. So 1lb up from my low low weight on friday :(, but I know that was probably just water or something blah blah coming off. *happy dance* Anyway, I think I can definitely get down to atleast 135 by this friday which is that awesome music festival! OH and my hip bones are visible! YAY for hip bones. I wish I could see a bit of rib though. I mean I can if I lift my arm. And my shoulder blades are also in hiding... muthafuckers!

Anyway. Thinking thinnnnn!!! Thanks for all the comments on my last blog. As for being inspirational (*blush blush*), I would just like to point out that my inspiration comes from the blogs that I follow. I feel like a bit of a poser sometimes, because I'm not as hardcore, I don't purge and even my UGW is not that low. BUT, I love everyone of your blogs. And appreciate them as much as the support I get. Thanks Thanks.
 *slow clap* :p

Peace & Love
Xo Xo