Makes Me Cry

Still in hospital. Fuck fuck fuck. I just want to go home. I hate this place. The ward I'm in may as well be an old age home because the other five women are almost dead. Its disgusting. Well... Okay they can't help it they are old but it definitely confirms my fear of getting to that age. They are like fucking dinosaurs stuck in a tar pit. All they do is eat, moan and shit their beds. It is DISGUSTING. My liver is slowly recovering. My ALT levels are down to about 1000 - which is good considering what they were a few days ago. I am still getting routinely pumped full of rat poison (parvolex for Judith) which is supposedly helping. Well I mean it is helping since my liver is still functioning and I'm not dead yet. I am hoping to be out of here by Wednesday, but I suspect this may be wishful thinking. I am also getting SO fat. I had a bit of a meltdown last night about it because I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I started crying and grabbing. Why are you SO fucking fat you little fat piggy!! I wish I had a scale. I want to ask the ex to bring mine here but they are already watching me like a hawk. Fuck fuck. So I'm fruit fasting today. I know I should be eating to recover but I am planning on eating a lot of fruit. But god I can't be fat at graduation on the 17th. I mean. I won't be able to retake those pictures and I will not look like an obese whale!! Fuck it Piggy - get it together. The boy is still being ambiguous. He was here last night and for once he was my only visitor. And he brought pizza and hopped in my bed and we cuddled. Which felt so good but its not real. I won't let him break my heart twice. No ways, I may be a fat piggy but I am not a stupid piggy. And he was kissing my hair and when he left my pillow smelt like him which also made me cry. :( But he won't do this to me again. Whenever I talk about moving out he keeps repeating - let's just take it one day at a time. He doesn't get to do this to me twice. He doesn't. He doesn't. He fucking doesn't. Shit piss fuck cunt. He fucking does not get to do this to me twice. I want someone to be proud of me. I want someone who is excited to see me. I want someone who is like he and I were in the beginning and he will never be that. Strong strong strong! He wants to go to medical school which I think is fantastic. All I can think is how much I want to be his wife. A doctor and a judge. It would be perfect. No piggy. No no no. They said I probably won't be able to have children after this episode because liver damage makes pregnancy very unsafe. Which is awesome by me. Is it weird that I'm excited by infertility? Hahaha. Anyway. Thank you for all the wonderful words of support and wisdom that have come from all you lovely beautiful flowers. Sometimes I think you're the only real friends that I have. I can't tell anyone else all of this without lectures and judgment and awkward questions. Welcome to my new followers, sorry you had to join to a suicidal piggy. Promise it won't happen again though. I can't wait to catch up with everyone. I can't really remember the comments I need to respond to and I'm on my blackberry so its a bit difficult to see them. I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME! If there is anything though you of course can email me - the address is on the left sidebar. Well the only sidebar. Respect & Love Xo Xo