My Scale is Lying AGAIN!!

I have lost about 1lb per day more or less since Wednesday. I have been trying to fast but somehow it gets all fucked up. Like on Wednesday - my housemate came home from Thailand and he wanted to go have a pub lunch - so we went. And I had all the resolve in the world to stick to a glass of white wine and a portion of chilli popper - which is bad enough - but then I got even more greedy and ordered a portion of chips/fries which were fucken disgusting old oil and bitter, but by god I smothered them in ketchup and ate the whole thing. And what's even worse about that is that the portion was the size of a dinner plate. HUGE! So that fucked my Wednesday. Tuesday was much the same - fine until ten pm or so then I made pasta and sauce which I smothered (and I do mean smothered) in cheese and basil pesto. It was so disgusting, but again - I ate most of it. Then topped it off with about 500ml of coke (real coke) and a chocolate chip yoghurt. *cry* Yesterday - fuck. Also absolutely abismal. I had a thigh of chicken *cry* a bunch of grapes, about 4 ryevita with cheese, sweet chilli sauce and mayo, and then topped it off with another portion of fries with sauce. My brother ordered takeaway and didn't want his chips and before I even knew what was happening I had eaten them all. I am disgusting. Somehow, despite all this disgusting eating I am still at 59.3. I am convinced my scale is broken. There is no way I can eat so much without gaining. My stomach looks huge!! Today will be better and tomorrow, I want to be in the 58's. Yes! Fucking fat piggy. :( Still no internet. Still blogging from my blackberry. Peace & French Fries Xo Xo

I am never eating again. EVER!

Bullshitty balls man. I don't know why but I'm just so fucking fat. Okay I know why. Because I got hungry and ate like a fat piggy. I've had a cheese sandwich, some vegan chilli con carne with rice. I also had a small piece of smoked chicken and a honey latte with skim milk. So much food :( Yesterday I kept it lowish. But today it's horrible. Luckily I don't have any weed to make me eat more. Thank god. All I want is to cuddle my ex. I sent the boy from friday a facebook message to apologise for the bullshit that happened. Maybe he'll fb me back and we'll live happily, but obviously not. Anyway. Not eating anymore today, I've already had too much. Fml. Love & Peace Xo Xo

I just wish it would get better...

I know, two posts in one day. Whatevs. I managed to not do too badly today. I had pasta (around 400 cals) and some hummus and cucumber. So I think I had around 600 today. Not too bad. I mean it could have been a fast. Anyway. So here's to hoping for a loss tomorrow. I want to be 55 by the end of February. I miss my ex so much. It has taken all my willpower to not text him today. Jesus. But I will get over him. I think the first two weeks are going to be bad and then after that it will be okay. So I think if I prepare myself for it being super shitty for the next two weeks, I'll be okay - you know. And I am also making a resolution to not have sex with anyone unless I'm dating them. No more one night stands! I told my housemate about my ED and I feel like every time I eat or he knows that I am eating he is going 'I thought you have an eating disorder but you're stuffing your face you fat little piggy' - god now telling people about it is causing more anxiety. Fuck my life. Have any of you seen a show called Archer? It is blowing my mind from amazingness. Love & Archer Xo Xo

Hibernation.

Yesterday, I ate. Oh boy did I eat. I had hot chips with a vanilla custard milkshake, a mango, crackers with cheese, humus, pickles and tabasco, half a cheese, lettuce, tomato, hummus and mayo sandwich and then about 300ml of coke and a veggie cheese burger. I haven't had anything to eat today and want to try keep it that way. I went to a friends house last night and we played wii. All I can think about is how lonely I am. Fucking sad. So I think I have decided that I will watch media and collage - no drinking. No weed smoking. Hibernation. Sorry this is a nothing post. I have nothing to contribute to the world. Love & Loneliness Xo Xo

OH my GOD!

My internet at home is still fucked and I can't use my computer at my moms house just in case they check my browser history. Oh my god. So that's one thing - reason I haven't been posting as much, because blogging on blackberry still fucking sucks. Jesus tap dancing christ. I had my psychiatric evaluation on Thursday - I really like her so yes, we chatted about the ex boy who told me that he is in love with his ex. Yeah. Thursday was a rough day. Anyway so that, the borderline stuff and my bulimia - alleged bulimia. I am a healthy weight - christ. Thin people have eating disorders. Mine are just issues. :) Right so last night. Oh my christ. Went to fetch some stuff from my ex's place and had a couple glasses of wine with the neighbours and went home drunk. My housemate came home a little after me. Drunk also so we decided to go to Tiger. Oh jeez. As soon as we got there we had two tequilas each and cocktails. Holy hell. So drunk - did I mention btw that I fasted for two days until this afternoon so my tolerance was lowwww. Then met this boy. The rest is all a bit foggy after that. He was SO hot. SO hot. I remember making out with a friend of mine. Then this hot hot boy and I decided to leave (why!? I don't know) I drove his really nice car - an Audi. Back home. Then - ya. I was pretty sure that we only fooled around a little bit. But I'll leave that for later. Then decided to leave and drove to my ex's house let myself in and passed out in his bed. Oh and scraped my car against a wall. He was less than impressed. So he got home this morning - where he was last night is not something I care too much about - and there I was. So my new resolution is to not get drunk and miss him. Screw that! No more. This break up has spanned almost three months. Enough is enough. Then I got home this afternoon and I find (this is so disgusting) a used condom next to my bed in its wrapper (so it wasn't like - gross or anything) but fuck my fucking life that means obviously that I did have sex with this guy last night. Fuck fuck fuck. I don't remember it. I'm so disgusted with myself. It is taking drunk slut to a whole other level and obviously it was just a rebound hook up but fuck man. So I'm taking control of my life. No more of this shit man! Seriously! Anyway. So that is basically my drama for today. As I mentioned I water fasted on Thursday and yesterday except I had a cup of hot chocolate and a cracker and then all the booze so I guess yesterday doesn't count. This morning I had fries and a shake and I think I'll have some mango now since I'm dying from a hangover and just fucking dying. Christ all mighty. Self-Loathing & Disgust Xo Xo

Collaging & SUCCESS!!

My internet has been down all day so now I have been reduced to blogging from my phone, because I feel like my absence is bullshit and I need to be more committed. :) Today has finally been a reasonably successful day and I must admit - it feels fucken great after the last two weeks of disgusting fat eating. Hoping that tomorrow I will be below 60. All I had to eat today was one piece of prawn nigiri, two slices of cheese, some grapes and a mango. Definitely below 500. I saw an article last night about how Angelina Jolie only eats 600 cals a day and I was like - SHIT! I can do that! So yes, feeling good about today - finally I proved I still have willpower. I have been wondering lately - I read one of your lovely blogs. Sorry let me just pause here to say that I read so many blogs and I smoke so much that I forget the names of them. I know the personal details of peoples lives but when I get an idea I often can't remember where I got it from. No disrespect of course, but the point is I'm going to get better and post the links to those blog posts so that whoever reads this can read them too. Anyway, so I saw a blog post where the darling was saying she needs to reevaluate who here female role models are (she actually also said something about how Lauren Conrad is not gonna cut it anymore - if any of you know who this is please mention it) and I started wondering who mine are. I could never pick a hollywood star because I like to think I'm more into humans than glamour. No offence. Someone like Margeret Thatcher or Aaun San Suu kyi. Like the Nelson Mandelas of women. Anyway so it just me thinking because I just don't know who my female role models are. I dunno. Anyway - so I decided for Valentines Day I am going to make the boy a collage. I have been thinking of making one for quite some time but I really just don't know how. So I am going to google it as soon as my fucken dickbitch internet starts working again. And the pic is of two hands making a heart shape. Which is something we always used to do and then we called it "Rainbow Carebear Love" - think carebears people where that little one had heart shaped rainbows coming out of his chest... But I digress. Thanks for all your lovely comments. I try to remember the questions so I can answer or reply but as I said, I forget. We don't technically have sizes 2/4 here but for the benefit of most of the people that read this shit I occasionally refer things in their metric units because I'm too lazy to put both units there and since I grew up stateside, my mind works in both ways. I'm so stoned all I want to do is eat - but I won't! Love & Paper Xo Xo

One Million Kg's. Fuck.

I binged today. That is pretty much the extent of it. It went well until dinner then I had fish and calamari and chips. Fuck. Sakes. And now I'm going to eat some yoghurt just because I can. I am fat and fucking disgusting. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Always fucking tomorrow. It's disgusting. Ever since I moved into this house, I have been eating like a pig. I am just going to get huge again. FUCK! I can't.

My best friend today told me that I look like this uber skinny friend of ours that looks like an ano child. I was almost flattered except I know she is just jealous cuz I am thin... or concerned. WHATEVER. Anyway, so I know it isn't real what she was saying. God Damn. Anyway.

On Thursday I have a psychiatric evaluation following my hospital stay on referral from the hospital shrink who says I am borderline. Whoopdee do.

Fuck my life.

Fatigue & Fat
Xo Xo

CLOTHES CLOTHES CLOTHES!

Last night I went out and got hammered ass drunk. Now listen, I am talking about SO drunk. I went out with this friend of mine to this very young student club down the road from where I live. I already had a bong and about four glasses of wine by the time I got there. So I was pretty on my way. We ended up sitting chatting to the owner of the club and his 42 (!!!!!) year old friend in this club while they were buying us drinks. Oh my jeez. Anyway, there was this fairly hot jock boy that tried to hit on me and when I gave him bat he turned around and started calling me fat. He said that her and I were lesbians (which made me giggle) - and that I am sitting there with my fat thighs hanging out. I know he was talking shit and just trying to push the buttons he knows for girls, but fuck - it was shit to hear. Fat Piggy was all of a sudden sitting on that couch - not slim piggy. Anyway.

This morning I was SOOOO fucking hungover. In a way that I am pretty sure I was still drunk when I woke up. And I am in the process of finding another digsmate for our house and a couple came to look at the room - omg. I wanted to die. ANYWAY.

So the boy got back from Durban today. This afternoon. Which was fuck amazing. But after I got up - feeling so shit - and you know when you are hungover - food. It happens. I managed to only eat four small chilli poppers and a bowl of Special K with soy milk (SOY MILK - my new favourite thing - so nutty and yummy and awesome - AMAZEBALLS!). But with all the booze... Anyway so as soon as I got to my moms house it was a muffin and two rice cakes with cheese and a little sweet chilli sauce.

Then - my mom started clearing her cupboard and let me tell you my mom has a LOT of nice and expensive clothing. She has also put on quite a bit of weight, so her size 4 jeans - all of them, don't fit anymore. WHICH IS AESOME!!! So I got loads of awesome free good quality clothing. And let me tell you. For someone who has recently lost a lot of weight, I don't have anything that fits. And now I have loads. The size 4 is still a little too big. Like, I think based on what I tried on today I am definitely a size 2. WHICH IS AWESOME!!!!!!! Anyway, so I got atleast 5 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of trousers, 10 skirts, dresses, tops jerseys. OMG. It is so amazing. I don't need to spend money that I don't have on clothes anymore.

Anyway, so I also had an interesting thing where I have realised that I am actually shit anxious about going to the supermarket. Like, I get so overwhelmed by all the food and choices and what I want to eat, but what I would NEVER buy or eat that I just get like two things and then freak out and leave. So I took the boy with me to the supermarket and we bought food together. Unbelievable. I did buy some unhealthy stuff. Like crisps and chocolate, but on the whole, it was healthy and good.

I need to start a new diet, because I am not losing at the moment because my willpower is gone. Suggestions? Anyway, sorry I haven't been commenting, I have been reading. And always welcome to my new followers - 206 followers!? And everyone is so lovely and supportive and amazing. If you find new blogs, please let me know so I can read.

Love & Levis
Xo Xo

I Feel Beautiful When I'm Hungry

Two nights ago I had an epic binge. Like a whole block of blue cheese, about 150g of wholegrain crackers, a third of a jar of peanut butter, curry. It was epic. And the next day when you wake up and you are SO bloated and full of food, I just felt disgusting. Logically, on the scale I had only gained about 1lb. So there is no noticeable difference right? WRONG. Incorrect mutha fucker. TRY AGAIN. I went to work yesterday after this binge and I felt fat and useless the whole evening. I had the belly of a pregnant woman. I swear. It was like moby dick jumped out the ocean trotted down from the waterfront and started seating people in a restaurant. Then yesterday even though I failed and ate sushi and half a nan, by about 12pm I was walking around my mothers house and my tummy started growling. OMG. I have a habit when I sit of grabbing my stomach or rather rubbing it to see how much it protrudes and then stretching to see if my ribs are still there. LOVE IT. And today, ... you know when you look in the mirror as an ED biatch you turn and touch and grab, when I did that I was almost proud that I felt hungry and it made me feel a million times better. Anyway... my little rant today.

So.. today I managed to not have any cows milk - despite myself, because I work from my moms house and obviously they don't buy soy milk. So it was black coffee, green tea or nothing. So I had coffee with honey in it. I know technically honey isn't vegan - but there is some debate about that. I mean it is not made from any part of the bee, the bees just make it. SO - I don't actually consider it to be not vegan. And then I got home and failed - I had chicken cheese tandoori. Yes, so I had chicken. WHATEVER. And cheese. FUCKING WHATEVER! I think a bit later when I get hungry, which I probably will, I shall have a mango. Because I have three left and I need the vitamins. So that should keep my calorie count for today below 500. So it's not a fast, and I failed the fruit fast, but okay - maybe I need to let the fruit fast go. Because, we alll know with the fasting and restricting that there is only one thing that works at a time. And at the moment, even though I love fruit fasts - they aren't working for me. So 500 cal per day restriction is working - I shall roll with it.

The boy left for Durban today. Which sucks because he will be gone until Sunday evening. I need to learn to be okay by myself. So tonight I want to pastel some canvas :D What do I feel like... I DON'T KNOW!

Anyway, enough of my rants. I am now going to catch up on my lovely flowers lives.

Beauty & Sadness
Xo Xo

Big Fat Failure

Well today started off well. I have successfully managed to replace normal milk with soy milk and I actually like it? I don't know why the fuck I haven't tried this before. AMAZEBALLS! Then this morning I was up super super early, because I had to organise some people to do flyer drops at traffic lights. SO LAME! IT was also shit hot today. Like HOT HOT HOT. At 9am, I thought I was going to die. Anyway, so at about 11am I had a bunch of grapes - fine because I'm doing the fruit fast. Then at about 4pm, I had a mango, because I went to work and I was going to not eat at work. BUT THEN, one of the chefs made me salmon roses, which I ate and I got some chicken and nan take away. I ate some of the nan when I got home, I brought the food home for the boy. SO YES, I failed miserably today. But, tomorrow will be better I am sure.

The boy and I are in a weird space right now. It feels just like it did in the beginning... i.e. very much in love. Except, I am trying so hard not to cling. Old habits die hard though I guess.

The house thing is going well, my one housemate is such a freakin weirdo though. Fuck sakes. He is super religious and has quite a belly. But he also talks and talks and talks. And if you move onto another topic, not about him, then he reverts back at the first given opportunity. He also started telling me about his ex, who amongst other things, is still married and used to have very loud screaming orgasms. I mean - OVERSHARE MUCH!?

I didn't even weigh myself today, but something tells me it is time to face the music. Tomorrow shall be a vegan day. Yes we can. Vegan fruit fast - vegan referring to the lack of cows milk which has been taken out my diet. I am quite excited about this soy milk thing, because I was expecting to hate it. Which I TOTALLY don't.

Love & Respect
Xo Xo

How do I even begin?

Well, it's been ages since I last posted, because I have been moving house and so not having had stable internet access, but now finally I am in - not settled, but in my new place and can start to get back to my normal routine. It is very quite.

My weight has been stable, not losing, not gaining for about a month now - fucken horrible. I mean yes 60kg is my first goal weight - yes okay fair enough, but it is not 55kg. I mean seriously fat little piggy can't even get down to 55. So I need to be 55 by the end of January. I mean it is only 1.5 a week. I can totally do this. I think from tomorrow I am going to vibe a fruit fast again, my old friend. Ease back into it. Because really, I have been eating like fucking shit since I have been gone. SO I HAVE to fruit fast. Also decided that I am going to only have soy milk instead of real milk. So let's try a bit of veganism from now on.

The boy and I are working things out and we are not back together as such, but we are fucking not apart which is nice. I am so tired. I think I am going to have a bong. Probably binge after that, because this is how we do it you know? And then from tomorrow.

I have MANGOES which I love. OMG. I need to get some sleep. I'm so sorry for my absence. I persevere to be better. MY new years resolution is still to be fearless. Fearless and 55. :D

Peace & Respect
Xo Xo