London Calling

I have been such a badly behaved piggy in the last week, just eating like a crazed lunatic. I am even too scared to weigh myself. I need to get back into shape for London, which will be happening next week. There was some trouble with my visa, where they had to verify some details, but it should be arriving tomorrow so crisis averted really.

I am so enormous. My stomach looks like I am pregnant. Like fuck. my. life. Anyway, I know I can get this under control. Everyone at my mothers wedding was commenting on how thin they think I am. I was like *mother fuckers* if only you all knew how fat I really am. Fuck fat people. Seriously, they think I need to eat more, but they don't understand that I need to not eat at all. EVER! Why don't people understand this shit? Like - you don't HAVE to eat. As we always say, eat to live, don't live to eat. So, 500 cals a day is more than sufficient.

I apologise for my absence, but I promise to be better now. Well fuck it, I have only been gone for a week so it's okay. But now I need to get rid of all my stuff. My ex and I have been seeing each other again. All I can hope is that he totally falls apart when I leave. Fuck him. Seriously, I want him to hurt, like I hurt when we broke up. I know it's mean, but he fucking deserves it after all the pain.

Um, to answer a question from Annie, I don't "have" acne, but I do go through phases where I have nasty bouts of spots on my face. Usually it is fine, but lately - also depending on how much meat I eat - strange I know - it has been bad. But it is under control, and obviously when I get my period, then I am fat and spotty. It's gross.

Love & London
Xo Xo

The Fattest Piggy

I have eaten none stop for two weeks and I am wondering why exactly it is that I am so fucking enormous? The fat on my thighs, under my chin is killing me. I didn't binge today, I stuck to my calorie range, tomorrow will be the same. I am such a fat fucking whale enormous obese pig. These meds had better kick in soon, they are supposed to control binges. That fucking Whore must have lied to me. Control binges, no mutha fucker - these cause fucking binges. Jesus fucking christ. After this week of being in control, I am sure that I can get to my UGW soon. Fuck all I talk about is reaching 55. WILL IT EVER COME!? Although, proudly - I had the hugest family dinner last night and ended up staying up till 7am watching series and the whole time I was saying to myself that after one more episode I will go get breakfast since technically I haven't slept, so technically it's still today and tomorrow will be a better day. One look at my fat disgusting pigass of self in the mirror on a bathroom break set that shit up just fine.

My ex and I have still been in contact. Right now, I am typing on his love laptop. *cry* I can't let him suck me back into this shit. I won't. I have resolved to take my notebook with me to my shrink before I leave so that we can discuss the shit in there. I don't know if it is a good idea, but I know she will guide me through it. Whether she thinks it will be helpful or not. I don't know. I just want to leave already. I have this bad feeling that something is going to happen. And then what? Fuck it. I better hear about my visa before Friday. I am going to have a panic attack. I also need to start packing my shit, but it's like I am putting it off until I know for certain that I am going, because right now it doesn't feel like it will EVER happen.

Anyway.

Oh - Is the following really lame? I have been hankering some literary shit down into some word docs and I was kinda thinking of actually dedicating myself to writing a fucking novel. Christ - what am I saying. I think it is lame, I don't necessarily think I write well, I am a lawyer and I don't know if what I have to say is legit. But it could be a project? Like I'm thinking maybe of just stringing some shit together and see if it goes anywhere. Wow. Don't be too harsh on this idea. There are a million people that want to do the same thing. Fuck me. This is a bad idea.

Fat & Acne
Xo Xo

LAPTOP!

I got my laptop back from my ex, he fixed and put supertux on it. Which is super mario bros, but with a penguin, snow balls and ice cubes instead of mushrooms and turtles. I am sure I have had way too much to eat today, but also too much to drink, feeling a littttttle bit tipsy. Chilled. Anyway, so I shall be going into the blogs now :) and also, the magical with ana as a side effect drug is called fluxetine. I don't think it will be helpful to my non SA blog flowers, since I know we have different laws here with regards to pharmaceuticals, for example Codene. I believe that codene is prescription only in the US, however here in sunny South Africa, we can have as much of the damn stuff as we want. And let me tell you, on a hangover coupled with a about six of those bad boys.

Anyway.

Love & Wine
Xo Xo

Dosage and Directions for Use

It was my birthday on Saturday, I am fat and disgusting after three days of binging and eating (as one does) and I have new medication... oh ja, and my fucking laptop was stolen from my ex's house when he got it to fix it, so I have no computer, meds that make me drowsy and a whole lot of fat placed all over my body, DISGUSTING!

I am still waiting on my visa from England, my unicorn is really irritating me and I doubt I will see him again before I leave, assuming of course that I get my visa. It has only been five working days and they said 5 - 10 working days and of course this is africa. I am still hoping to be in London by the 29th of March, which is next week for those that aren't doing the maths. Fuck fuck.

Gawd, I feel so ADD today. Anyway, so what to do about my fat - I am going back to my 700 a day thing. This time strictly so, I must apologise in advance for my absence, since I don't know when I am getting a new computer. Although, I hope it be soooooon. SO my fat. 700 a day, 1 gallon of water AT LEAST. And these meds of mine are supposed to control binges. Yes, in fact Dr Whore gave me drugs that are for (and I quote from the Dosage and Directions for Use section of the inset, I read these - whatever) Major Depressive Episodes and Bulimia Nervosa. Not to mention the little freak out I had with the Whore because I told her that I am NOT depressed, and the reason I believed myself to be on meds at all was for the anxiety shit. Anyway, she agreed - whatever. Apparently these are used to treat anxiety even in the absence of depression. ANYWAY, so my point is that one of the side effects of this drug is "appetite loss, anorexia and loss of mass" - DUDES, FUCK YEAH!!!! I mean, a drug with ana as a side effect?? Anyway, so hopefully I will get some decent "side effects" Holy fuck there is a kid running up and down the street outside screaming - will someone fucking kill me... Or it.

Anyway, I am really hoping I can get to my GW before england although after this weekend and all the fat that has taken up residence on my thighs, stomach and chin (double fucking chin) it seems unlikely. OKAY. Control those binges meds. Yes we can.

Love & Drugs
Xo Xo

Fail.

Well today I have literally eaten everything I can get my hands on, but tomorrow is another day. I weighed 58.8kg. I just can't mutha fucken seem to get break this fucking 58 bullshit. But then again, tomorrow I will be back to my 700's and then I will break this mutha fucking plateau bullshit. I don't know what's wrong with me, I think I may be happy eating. Speaking of, thanks for all the lovely comments about my Dr WHORE of a specialist. I don't take her seriously, just for the record. I mean fuck it. Why should I, she's a joke.

I have really nothing else to report except that I am seeing my unicorn tonight... He is just so damn awesome. Getting me onto the guest list for this huge three day party over easter. And I love that he wants to make me happy and protect me. GOD I AM HOPELESSLY CODEPENDANT! *no judgment*. I may post a little pic of him now...

He is the one with the long hair, which I hate however, what is a unicorn without a mane right? He should be here in a few minutes and I can't wait. I really have nothing to contribute right now, but I did contribute some eye-candy - okay. Let's be honest, not the hottest boy I have ever allowed to follow me around. But he is tall. And my unicorn... His brother thinks I'm pretty - so I mean really, I am as good as family now... hahaha. Talking so much shit. It may be time for a glass of wine...

Wine acquired. :)

Unicorns & Rainbows
Xo Xo

Unicorns AHOY!

What a weekend. I won't go into much detail about it, suffice to say however that I met a Unicorn. He literally looks like a unicorn... He is tall, long blonde hair, nice body and just is totally pure and good. I went to this party... and excuse me if I hippie out on the description. It was up in the mountains, well... on the slopes of the mountain. The wind was howling big clouds of dust everywhere and I met him while we were standing around waiting for the night to start - anyway, so I claimed ownership of him for the evening. He carried me around and granted me wishes :) Not literally of course. ANYWAY - now I know I have said on numerous occasions that boys with long hair freak me the fuck out, but this is different somehow - maybe it is because he is so blonde... maybe :) He is exactly what I need - pretty and stupid.

Last night my retarded ex decided to show up on my doorstep at 3am telling me about how his new girlfriend is such a fail whore wank wank. Why is it fucking now that I am moving on and getting over him - now he fucking wants to be around me. Can't a girl just have a unicorn in peace? Speaking of, I am seeing my unicorn tomorrow... ^_^

I just saw my ED specialist WHORE now. And fuck her. She can't remember shit about me, nor can she actually take notes properly. She asked how my laxative abuse and self induced vomiting was coming along? I was like dude! ARE YOU KIDDING!? Anyway long story short, she can go fuck herself.

I weighed in at 58.3kg yesterday. I forgot to weigh today, but so far I have had two lattes with honey (100), BBQ chicken fillets (140), a caprese salad, a mini chocolate muffin, two cocktail gherkins and a rice thin. So right now I am at around 500 cals. Hoping I can stay here for today. OR at least if I must eat more (NO SUCH THING AS MUST) - keep it below 200 for 'dinner.'

Love & Unicorn
Xo Xo

Fuck It.

Okay, so today I have slipped a little. I can still save it, but it means that I cannot eat ANYTHING else today. I'm sure I can do it. Just have to make it till tomorrow morning. I think I can have tea for now, but nothing fucking else. OMG. Green tea will help. I got to my moms house and there was all this pasta and like, I did NOT have a lot at all. But I'm sure after my breakfast mango and apple that it will push my total to about 700/800, because it had a lot of cream in it. I didn't eat much of the actual pasta, more of the mushrooms and things, but you know restaurant food, so much fat *cry*. And as I said as long as I stay below 1000 for now I am happy, but no lentil soup. None of that as planned. I need to save today from becoming a binger. Yes I can. :)

God, this is so fucking intimidating. OKAY. I can do this. NO BINGING! Will update later :)

Fuck I can't believe I have just fucked it up now. And then ran upstairs to go take some of my moms sleeping pills so that I can knock myself out at like 6pm and then I won't have to worry about failing, but I won't need to. I didn't take any, because I know I can do this. Getting through today. I am making green tea now. Three cups of that and NO food. Fuck, so close to a binge. I can't let this get the better of me. :) I know I am safe until 530pm. Thereafter, who knows. Gossip Girl marathon tonight. It is EXCELLENT thinspo.

Hate & Carbs
Xo Xo

And the rest...

YAY! So I am at the end of day 4 without any binges. My total for today is 683 according to my calorie counter although I suspect it may be about 100 higher than that, because I don't have an accurate estimate on the lentil soup I hate for dinner. It had lentil and reduced fat coconut milk in it... And I hate about two and a bit ladles of it. I also had five corn thins, which are about 150 cals for the five. Ya, so I failed with the corn thins, but at least my total isn't bad at all. :) :) Tomorrow I think I shall have exactly the same. Tuna salad, fruit and lentil soup for dinner, but just a tiny bit, because it is high in carbs. I am really proud of myself that I didn't binge today. Gotta keep it going. Hoping I can be in the low 58's tomorrow... maybe even high 57's. My god. 57. JESSUS FUCK. It would be so amazing.

I just skyped this friend of mine that I am staying with in London... and him and I hooked up randomly... innocently a few years back and then he started dating this other girl shortly after. But anyway, I think I may kinda like him a little bit. Dangerous piggy. So fucking dangerous. But he is such a nice boy, like nice and kinda sexy. I wish he were a little bit thinner... But he isn't fat, but like - could use a work out. While we were skyping he said I had nice legs and *BOOM BAM* that I look really skinny. Awwwwww thank you baby. *blush*

Anyway, enough of my shananigans. London in 23 days :D :D This week is going really quickly.

THINSPO!

Love & LOVE
Xo Xo

Binge Free Day 4

Couple of things I want to mention just quick. Well three specifically. The first is that I have found that while trying to avoid the binges while doing "well" (okay, so not eating is doing well, but good restriction is second best, I think), I find myself looking through the kitchen for safe things to eat and then running out of there like a crazy person if I don't find these things. Like fucking scared of that shit man. It's a little silly obviously, but it's almost like every damn second that I am in that kitchen, the more it tempting it becomes and the more those little fucking calories hiding the cupboards are eroding my will. Wanting me to put them in my mouth and then feel so guilty about it later that I want to die. It's silly. I know it's silly.

The other thing is that for the last few days (BINGE FREE FOR FOUR DAYS), I have been doing what the Hoare said I should do, which is to eat three meals a day... well my version of what she said. So yesterday and today I have had my 130 cal Tuna WONDER SALAD (*happy panda*), then a little bit of dinner and you know, keeping those calories down AND not binging. Apparently it's about not letting your sugar levels spiral. I have also been good with my calorie tracker. So I know where my shit is coming from. Also trying to work in the protein, cuz I am bruising like a fucking banana. Anyway, so whilst I will never admit it, may she is right. FUcking WHORE! Today I weighed 58.6. If I don't binge today and stay within my 700 cal limit, I know I can be under 58 tomorrow. I know I can :) :). Oh so I measured myself again and apparently I am actually on 176cm/5f9in. So in fact my BMI is higher than I thought. But when I get down to 55, it will be a beautiful 17.8. Doesn't that sound lovely?

The other thing... what was it!? FUCK! Oh ja, :) Okay, so today I am starting to understand what it means to feel empty. I feel like I am immune to everything all day except for a few minutes of emotional meltdown that come sporadically for three minutes and then... it's like I am just drifting around. Like I don't care. Everything has nothing to do with me. I'm invisible. I'm in the place the eye does not see. Just nothing. My housemate and I are still at wars and I am so mean to him, but I don't give a shit. I don't care, he must just leave me alone. I want everyone to just let me be and let me watch gossip girl (yeahhhh watched like 5 eps last night *chuck bass SIGH*) Maybe I am a psychopath... maybe. But I just feel like there is nothing. Just nothing.

Anyway. Anyone wanna try a little solidarity pact - no binging? I know I will fail, as is evident from my blog, I can't commit to anything. London 24 days. OH and - just need to say. Sammy has promised me that she won't purge more than twice a day. I know I am not perfect, but I love everyone of the beautiful flowers that read this and I am willing to make a pact to not cut, in exchange for something similar. We want to be skinny petals, but we need to stay alive. And mia... It can't go on forever. I don't mean to sound like a terrible hypocrite, but. Well. You know what I mean. My destructive, dangerous thing is cutting - for some it's drugs or Mia - whatever it is. I think we need to try kick some of this in the ass. I know I am running out of canvas to destroy. OH and I haven't had a drink since Saturday. I'm proud of myself. :)

Love & Standing Together Forever
Xo Xo

Crushing... Again.

Today has been good. I feel like I exercised a fair amount of control. AND figured out a good healthy lunchtime meal. YAY. So according to what I should be doing with the nutritionist or dietitian - i.e. having three meals a day. I TOTALLY did and fuck it, my calories for today are a little high, but I know what the failure was. Anyway, so my calories for today are 798. Which is about 100 higher than what I want. I want to be able to maintain 700. Everyday. But I think for the first three weeks (remember 21 days to form a habit) - if I can stay below 1000 and not binge, then it will be a-okay.

So today I ate a nectarine (which I won't be doing often since it's a shiton of calories per one fruit, it's fucking ridicu-fucking-lous), a tuna salad for lunch (130 calories - 80g of tuna, 100g cucumber, 15g hellmans low fat mayo), an apple, a plum, topped off with butternut soup. The soup is what failed me because it was with garlic, butternut, carrots and stupidly I was talking to my housemate while I was cooking and just put a fuckload of olive oil in it. Which accounts for almost a third of my calories for the day. So, no more olive oil. But. Yes, it has been good. And I am feeling satisfied :) :)

The topic of my post is about my housemate, who is just so goddamn sexy. And we have spent almost the whole day chatting and he is just... dreamy. Like fucked up. But this isn't the one I hooked up with. An aside is that the one I did hook up with, I met his mother today because she came round to the house and she was like "oh you're fat piggy" - like she knew who I was. *facepalm* fuck it.

Got more shit together today for my visa and yes, things are going well :) :). I am going to see tenacious D in june in Brixton. FUCK I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT!!!!

Love & Cleanliness
Xo Xo

*PANDA*

I have moved forward my trip to London to the end of this month. Going to get my visa on friday if everything goes according to plan. Really really scared, but excited at the same time. My parents have been so fantastic about the whole thing. The stupid thing is that all I can think about is that I need to get a scale as soon as I get there. I can't only weigh once a week when I go to the pharmacy or something silly like that. No ways jose.

Food wise, it has been horrible. Well, not horrible, but I have had my period so there is that and the bloating is just fucken nasty. But on the plus side I still weigh in at about 60 of a weekend of hard drinking and rougher binging. So today, I decided to keep it clean, but then I slipped and came back again. So according to my calorie counter I ate 723 calories (there was bread, cheese and mayonaise involved *sad panda*) which isn't too bad, because I slipped at lunch and had all this bread, but then we have stopped making house dinners, which means that I don't have people monitoring what if and when I eat. So I skipped dinner and have only had water since about 5pm. So 7 hour fast anyone? So if I can make it till tomorrow dinner time, then eat butternut soup, which is the plan - the I should be fine.

Because I am going to London in 26 days *happy panda*, and my london friends haven't seen me since I was a decent 75/70ish - I want to make sure that I am down to 55 for them. I need to be London skinny *excited panda* - I just had a skype chat with my bff in Londres and it was amazeballs. I can't wait to see her again. I used to have such envy of her thighs, like in a big way. And now I am thinner than she is *ECSTATIC panda* so, I can't wait to show off my thigh gap... well I'm sure she has one too. She is one of those naturally skinny bitches. But then, I do think I am prettier with better hair, so it evens out.

I'm really excited.

My mom keeps going on about my bulimia and how's she's scared that I am going to die. It annoys me, because I am not that thin ... not thin at all actually... and she has nothing to worry about. Which she really doesn't. I am not technically underweight, I don't binge on shit that I shouldn't. It's more like ... okay I do eat shit I shouldn't, but my binges aren't ever HUGE and most of the time, nowadays, I'm not fasting anymore, I am just doing fruit fasts and restrictions. And I swear once I get down to 55 I will only be maintaining - no more losing. *irritated panda*

My housemate and I are at war with each other, but he is a very sweet hippie boy who can't be mean to an ant, let alone anyone else, so I play with him. And ignore him, not because I am actually mad, but rather just cuz I know it irritates him. God. Oh and I have decided that I am not drinking again till I go to London, because ... well. I can't handle my shit. I get FAR too drunk. No more drinking.

Thank you to everyone that supported me on my last few posts. I found out that my ex is dating the stupid fucking whore he got pregnant. But I am over it. I think I needed to rage it out of me and London is going to be a great distraction.

OH and in other news allegedly Agnes Deyn has been discovered to be only 24 when everyone thought she was 28. I don't see what the big deal is, but I thought it was reason enough for some AD thinspo.

So much love to everyone out there. I hope to hear more from my London bitches. We can start some ED pride. *ED panda* (this makes no sense - ever seen an anno panda?)

*love* & *panda*
Xo Xo

Little Dramatic Piggy

I feel ill. I am losing control. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

Love & Sadness
Xo Xo

Tomorrow...

I am going to drink poison. I am over this. Tomorrow the death star comes to life. Tomorrow at 8pm. I die. Goodbye.