Ruthless Ambition

I have so much work to do, I really shouldn't even be blogging. But of course, I have to contribute a little something to the meaningless swath of information that is out there on the web. Of course. Last night I ate a little bit of air popped popcorn and some pumpkin seeds after I blogged so my total was definitely up by another 200 cals... which isn't the end of the world. Today, I have had about 600 cals and I'm done for the day. I didn't weigh in this morning for some reason... I kinda just forgot and I won't weigh myself after I've eaten, because of... you know. food weight. Anyway, so I will do that tomorrow morning. Well assuming I get any sleep tonight, which i doubt I will because I have so much work to do. Fuck sakes. ANYWAY. It's not going to be that bad because I've already done the research, now i just have to write. And it wouldn't be the first time I've pulled an all-nighter. Anyway, work aside.

So this challenge... what to do what to do. I have no idea. I was thinking maybe we could have a start date and an end date. Something to work towards. And then, the most weight lost in that time... well. Maybe percentage body weight... Because obviously bigger girls will lose more than the teeny tiny ones, but that's all so complicated. I don't know. Does anyone have any suggestions about this weightloss challenge?

I was watching True Blood this morning, because I <heart> True Blood in such a major way, and you know. There was this scene where the dudes dead boyfriend was sitting in the car next to him and he asked if he was real and the dead boyfriend said "does it matter" and I burst into tears. I think I am finally starting to come to grips with just how much my ex hurt me. And how I much I compromised myself to make him happy. I think what I was holding onto for the last year has been my dead boyfriend. He isn't real, but I didn't care. In my mind, he was the man that made me happy... but. he just ended up being a disappointment. I know I have unreasonable expectations of people, but I have massive ambition when it comes to everything, I want to be the best and do everything I can to make someone else happy. Why couldn't he want to give me the same thing. I think finally. I am starting to move on. And it's just fabulous. And freeing. Somebody that I used to know. I want to cry now. I'm not sure why, but feeling oh-so emotional.

Peace & Love... I wish I had drugs.
Xo Xo

Coco's got this.

Finally a day where I have managed to eat properly. Fuck me it feels good after a week of being mostly out of control entirely. Thank fucking god. I feel like more and more Coco is teaching me to be strong and at the moment I feel determined and fabulous... except that I am hugely fat. My goal for the week... well tomorrow morning I am going to do a proper weigh in and then i will assess the damage that I have done to myself then... Until then, I remain wistfully optimistic. I locked myself indoors all day today and made sure that I was upstairs and all the doors and windows were closed so that people would think I wasn't there. As a result, I'm not sure if Michael came round or not, because there is no way of anyone getting hold of me here. I am in my Ivory tower. And I LOVE it that way. Today I have had about 440 cals for the day which has included three cups of tea with milk, one cup of coffee with honey and milk, mexican bean stew stuff... super low cals. It was a can of kidney beans, half a cup of frozen peas, a clove of garlic, half a big ass chilli (for the metabolism) and this tomato sauce stuff which is only about 30 cals per 100ml. And that's all I've had all day. It was yummy.

I had more ghostly interactions today, when I went downstairs today to make my second cup of tea, the lid was off the jar again... After I had spoken outloud to my ghost for about five minutes explaining that if he or she was there then I am very friendly, and it doesn't have to deal with me, but if it does we need to figure out a better method of communication. So I've been trying to google how to talk to ghosts, but then... it looks almost all like total horse crap... but then I tell myself. Piggy, you're trying to talk to a ghost. Horsecrap may just be the status quo. Suggestions are entirely welcome. To be honest, it doesn't have to communicate with me, as long as it doesn't try hurt me... but i figure if it is sending me signs like that... maybe it does want to chat. I dunno, I just figure that someone has an awesome story to tell. Anyway.

Does anyone feel like a weightloss challenge? I'm really feel like I could use one. But I'm shit out of ideas... Thanks for all the lovely comments as usual. Yall are the bestest and loveliest in the whole widest world and I love you all dearly. And I swear, I'm not crazy with this ghost stuff. I'm as much a non-believer as the next, but there is just no other explanation.

Bones & Ghosts
Xo Xo

Dirty, Dirty Piggy

So yesterday, my intake was golden, a lovely 500ish, but then I got sad and lonely and went and had a drink by myself in the local pub, where I bumped into my neighbour, met his daughter and went partying with her and of course ended up getting embarrassingly pissed and having a dirty sleepover with this guy called Michael. OMG, he is ... well. I mean, he is kinda cute in a British kind of way, not my usual. He is actually really good thinspo cuz he is skinny. NOT the kinda guy to hit on. Anyway, he is a complete loser, beyond anything else, and is not smart at all. And the worst part about it is that I, in my drunk idiotic state, invited him to my neighbours bbq tomorrow, as like. My plus one. WHY PIGGY WHY!? And this morning I got up and slept in my own bed, because I am finding that I actually like being by myself and he slept on the couch. And he fucking waited for me to wake up before he left. And he tried to kiss me goodbye. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY PIGGY WHY!? So I am hoping that he doesn't show up tomorrow afternoon for the bbq, mostly because I don't want to see him, but also because I don't actually want to go to the damn thing. I just want to hide until I can leave. I actually miss my flat... And the ghost. Has been moving stuff around in the daughters room. Still no idea what happened to the pasta, but my pasta eating ghost is taking things from the dresser and putting them on the bed. That's so fucked. And of course now that I'm all aware of the ghostly presence, I am literally watching everything like a hawk. Fuck. ANYWAY.

So after yesterday being a lovely day, today was a write off, because I was so hungover. Tomorrow, is back to the thing. I want to try start eating more lettucy type things, salads and maybe some fish. Anyway, so tomorrow I am going to go back on the clean eating thing. Which I have been fucked on for the last week. But enough is enough. Anyway, enough rambling from this stupid stupid fat piggy. Here's to hoping Michael stays the fuck away. *fingers crossed*

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

It's HAUNTED!

Dudes, I know this is going to sound fucking fucked. But this house I am staying in is fucking haunted!! And I'm not fucking kidding. Next to the stove in the kitchen are these three or four glass jars of dried pasta with a cork lid thing... you know the kind. Anyway, now two of them were half filled with pasta. This morning when I went downstairs, the one jar was empty and the lid was off sitting next to the jar. Firstly, I definitely did not eat the pasta, and even if I did I would have put the lid back on. I'm like that, so no one would notice that I ate it. But I definitely did not eat it. It can't have been an animal, because the jars are glass so if they wanted the pasta, they would have knocked the jar open. I doubt it was a burglar, because all the doors were locked and my wallet and camera were on the table. So what. the. fuck. I don't want to sound like a superstitious hippie, but seriously. And as I am writing this, i heard something downstairs. OMF! Anyway, if it is haunted, I just need to make friends with the ghost. I'm a friendly person, I'm totally into helping people or things, I just hope it's not slimey and scary. I'm sure it's not. A family lives here. So it must be friendly.

In other news, I'm a fat whale. And I have recently discovered that I can't sleep on my left side because i can feel my heart beating against my ribs and it weirds me out. Oh and the face scrub thing is literally two teaspoons of bicarb with a little water to make a paste and scrub scrub scrub. I put coconut oil in my hair last night as a hair mask... and my hair is super greasy today even though I've washed it twice. FML. Anyway, and I shaved my legs. So i'm winning slowly. I've decided that when I get my hair highlighted again in a week, I'm going to have a pink streak put in... maybe. Not a streak even, because that is so 90's but a little streaky at the end of my hair... just a small one... Is it just me or is wacky colours in the hair becoming a new mainstream thing... Aeon Flux here we come.

Ghosts & Gouls
Xo Xo

Eyebrows

Let me just preface this by saying that as well all know, I loathe exercise. I hate it so much that I would rather fast for a week than go for a run. I hate exercise. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I consider walking up stairs exercise. But i have discovered two things. Firstly, there is a wii fit in my new summer abode, so I had a little play on it. Hardly intense exercise, but I suppose I did kinda sweat a tiny bit... So whatever. And the second thing I've discovered is that it has a great and really accurate scale on it. I'm not going to tell you what I weigh today, because after four days of binging, trust me. It isn't good. But on the plus side, today has been a good day. I have had about 450 cals. I'm trying to wean myself off so much tea, because it is staining my teeth and I can't have that. My pores are also huge, so I tried a baking soda scrub which is meant to work and lo and behold they actually do look smaller. I also sorted out my caterpillar eyebrows. So now they actually look normal. In the words of Vic from Miss Congeniality - 'eyebrows? There should be two!'. Okay mine don't go unibrow but they do get a little unshaped and makes me eyes look tiny. I like to keep 'em looking fly, i feel it opens my eyes up. My next task is shaving my legs... is this too much info? I never shave my legs I am so fucking lazy. I just don't see the point if i am not wearing skirts, however tomorrow I think I may sunbathe a bit because it's so hot at the moment...

Today I had two cups of coffee, one with a teaspoon of honey (my cryptonite), a tin of tuna, a can of kidney beans and milk for my coffee. I'm trying to stay high on iron at the moment. But I need to get some fruit involved. Tomorrow I am going to go for a walk through the town to get some fruit, maybe that's why my skin looks like the dogs breakfast. It could also be the lack of water. I have been trying to hydrate, because i think that may have something to do with it. I want to get a good nights sleep tonight, so I'm relocating back to the bedroom, not sure if I've mentioned that I set up camp in the living area which is so warm, but after two days of it, I'm fucken gatvol (lovely South African word meaning fed up) with being woken up in the blazing heat and blinding sunshine... Did I mention the ceiling in the living room is glass? So it's kinda like a greenhouse...

Anyway, that's enough prattling on about nothing for me. Gooooooooo team!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

I found a scale!!

Thank holy jesus almighty, I was getting into the shower this morning and I noticed that there was a scale under the bed. Thank fuck. I can't even tell you how I jumped for joy. On the other hand I ate like a pig today, so tomorrow is the beginning of going back to what I'm good at - diets. This summer I want to get down to 52 or 114lbs. I am loving my shoulders at the moment, they look actually like they belong to a thin person which is fabulous.

I have been doing nothing but working for the last two days solidly, I haven't even had a chance to check out my new town... But on the plus side, I have a quick edit to do tomorrow and then I am bathing in the sun, chilling and not eating. To answer the q about how I got here, friends of my mom's friends that I met at a party asked if I wanted to house sit over the summer, and since I work from home it's absolutely ideal. I'm considering having a nice big party at the end of the summer. I'm completely into this whole summer in the country thing. It's fabulous.

My site is finally up, but it isn't finished yet and my stupid ex has gone and fallen off a roof and cracked two ribs so when it will be completely finished. Now, let's recap shall we. He fucked me over again and since he did that his company got sued, my/our cat ran away (although he did come back, my ex spent three days wondering the streets looking for him and he turned out to be sleeping at the neighbours - suck it) and now he has cracked two ribs. Mutha fucking cunt, the universe is telling you that your karma is fucking fucked boyo and I'm so fucking glad. I'm satisfied to know that karma is on my side. I mean, i'm not happy about his misfortune, cuz that's shitty. BUT I do have a little sense of satisfaction. *evil giggle*

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Tally Ho Ol' Chaps

I am staying in the countryside of England as of yesterday. Needless to say that I have had way too much to eat in the last 24 hours it is scary, but the people for whom I am housesitting made me dinner and a whole palava, although I didn't have all that much of it to eat mind you. I also didn't bring my scale with, stupidly thinking that she would have one here... silly piggy. Not everyone is as obsessed about their weight as your are.

The house itself is absolutely beautiful. It was built in 1840 so it's dead old and there is a conservatory with a glass roof as the lounge area. The house is also a little bit like the Weasley's house in that it goes up, up, up. It's really bizarre. And when a bus goes past, the whole house shakes. I managed to meet the neighbours who have a ridiculously hot tall English son, who is blonde and was wearing buttondowns and italian shoes when I met him, James is his name. Hopefully i shall be seeing more of him this summer. I am so thrilled at the prospect of my summer in the countryside, I just need to find my summer fling to go along with it.

I shall update when a five year old isn't reading over my back... Fun.

Wine & Carbs
Xo Xo

Want some truth?

You know... I'm 25. I'm not 'old' I know that... and i have done things with my life... But my bff sent me this picture of us at a club taken about two years ago... I look at those pics and I don't see myself. It's like looking at a picture of a stranger. I can't identify with anything to do with myself before my parents divorce. Which was when I was about 21 and then shit went down. hill. from there. I tried to kill myself. Moved out of home after a riproaring argument with my mother. Drugs, booze, men. It's just such a strange feeling. I don't see myself in all of my photographs. All I have is the fucked upness that seems to have taken over my life. But I guess the thing is that I wouldn't change it. I'm thin. Which is nice :) Intellectually, I don't think I have ever been stronger. I am independent and I know what it is like to hurt. And to work your way through the hurt. Come out on the other side. On my last blog. I got a comment. "What would coco do?" You know. I literally was like 'mutha fucker. you are right! What WOULD Coco do?' So Coco isn't letting me sit around being sad and mopey. I am slowly coming to terms with my situation with my ex and my site, which is still not done. I am hoping for it over the weekend. I also have realised that it taking a little bit longer isn't the end of the world, so I'm trying to take a breathe.

Accepting the things that we cannot change, the strength to change those which we can and the serenity to know the difference. We have all heard these words. I can't change that my site isn't done, or that my piece o' shit ex doesn't love me - these things are out of my hands. But I can knuckle down and do the work that I can affect and not let this stupid shit make me so mad. When I was in hospital last year, I vowed to live without fear. And so far, I have kinda done that. It's time.

I am also about to show you something a little scary for me. This is what I looked like before... Here guys, have some truth. Such a fat ugly piggy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

More Drama...

Of course, my ex being the assbag that he is has not only NOT finished my site by today which was the promise after he didn't finish my site for Monday, but he has also managed to lose my cat. Yes, my beautifullest babiest baby kitten has run away. I know that it isn't his fault, but no doubt it has something to do with the barrage of sluts that I am sure are frequenting the house that we used to live in, my kitten doesn't like new people. And as sad as that is, firstly, I am sure that he will come home and hopefully this will be a lesson to my ex about his nasty slut habits and secondly, I'm so hacked off about my site. Yes, okay I know he has been looking for the cat today, but come on. He won't even give me an answer about when it is going to be done. I look like such an unprofessional asshole, because I can't even launch my site the day i said I would. First it was Monday, then yesterday, then today and now tomorrow. If he can even get it done by tomorrow.  All I want to grab a big knife and plunge it into my arm. I hate this constant uncertainty because it is not in my control and he won't give me an answer. Cut cut cut. That's all I want. Maybe I'll just do a little light pattern work on my leg.

I have had about 300 calories today, which mostly was the ice cream that I had for lunch. I'm so stressed and tired that I don't even want to think about food. I think i may fast until my site is done. Clearly, the universe needs a little sacrifice to turn the karma in my direction. I will give, but I better be able to receive something. Although, i'll settle for having my kitten safely at home.

Give & Take
Xo Xo

Morals & 40's

There are two things that i want to write about... the first is weight related and the other is just something I've been thinking about lately... The weight related one is first. It struck me this morning that being in the 40's... I.e. under 50kgs is actually a real possibility. I really don't want to go that low, because i think I will look sick... but like. I could. I could weigh 49kgs. Doesn't that sound like the most ethereal fairy weight you ever did hear? I feel like I would float on air if I weighed that little... I mean that's the weight of a child. Or a really short person. Wow... 40's... *drifts off into magical 40's daydream and illuminations*

The other thing is about morals and moral standards that humans have. As a student of law, I can say that we spend our time trying to decipher where morals come from and how people impose these standards on human beings. Let's face it. Law is just a written down extension of morals. Think of the ten commandments - are these things not in law in some form. Anyway, so the typical thing that people do when they look at Arab countries or especially Eastern moral standards is to be like; oh my god, they can't do that. Like dog fighting in China. I don't agree with it. Or Sharia law... I don't agree with. But what I do believe is that every culture, religion or society should be able to decide freely on the morals that they chose to impose on their own societies, without us westerners going - oh my god. Women should be allowed to vote, or dogs are pets not entertainment. I believe those things, but more than anything i respect the rights of people to determine their own morals. I know that it is really difficult for people to respect these things because we believe in equality and animal rights, but why can't people decide for themselves. If a substantial amount of the population of a country believes its okay to eat dogs, what right do we have to tell them differently? They aren't trying to make us eat dogs. Dyou know what i mean? The whole issue of Sharia law is something I think about all the time. Because... I'm not religious. I believe in the universal principle of give and take... karma if you will. Speaking of which - karma bit my ex in the ass - his company is getting sued and i'd be lying if I said i wasn't a little happy about it. ANYWAY. Sharia law and the idea of women being subservient in society is part of Sharia law, which is integrally linked to Islam i.e. religion. I think if you had to ask the women in those countries if they were willing to relinquish their religious beliefs i.e. their law, they'd say no. Basically. I guess what I'm saying, is who the hell are we to judge? And to impose our beliefs on other people? Sorry about the rant... My brain ticks over about these things all the time...

I am still having a fun time trying to figure out how to maintain. I am aiming for about 700 a day and tomorrow I am going to weigh. Wish me luck? Thanks for listening to my rants...

West & East
Xo Xo

The A, B, C's of ABC.

This is meant with no offence to anyone that is on ABC at the moment, but it seems this ridiculous fucking thing has reappeared and everyone is trying it. I have an issue with ABC and SGD - and this is why. I'm not saying they don't work, because they do. Definitely. But my issue is that going onto ABC is recipe for disaster, it is setting yourself up to fail. I have been reading these blogs for about a year now, and let me tell you. In that year, not a single one has actually reported sticking to the ABC for more than a week. And then they are in an even worse place, because they have failed to live up to this impossible standard. I reached my UGW, sure, but can I stick to ABC? No fucking ways. I can't even go a whole week without binging. And then it's the depression and the worthlessness because of this impossible fucken diet. Look, I'm definitely not a preacher and everyone must do what they want, but why give yourself another reason to hate? I'm not looking for ways to fail. And that's what I think of ABC. I'm also ratty because I am tired.

So I just can't sleep. I am stressing so badly about the site that is meant to be launched tomorrow, but now my ex is saying that he will try his best. I don't need him to fucking try. I need him to finish my fucking site. I am so fucking over his excuses. I'm not a perfectionist, but if you say you are going to do something then goddamn do it. Jesus fucking christ on a mutha fucking penguin pony tap dancing on a stick! SERIOUSLY!? As usual. Life is always more important than me. And yet again, every promise ever made to me has been a let down. What a surprise? Well done, very well done. Maybe that's the way he conducts HIS business, but it's not the way I want to do mine. Fuck sakes. Coco is riding high. And I think even Piggy is starting to become more like her. I don't need him. I don't need any man. Right now, it's all about my company and maintaining. Today I have had about 700cals. It's way too much. I can't eat this much, I feel like i've eaten a mountain. So I think I wanna try for 600 a day from here on out.

This is just for my ex....
I can't say this to your face. But I need to say it. You are pathetic. I spent so long trying to make you happy and maybe someone will never make me as happy as you once did, but at least they won't make me hate myself enough to try and kill myself. I'm glad we are done. I'm glad the wool has been lifted. You are mediocre, average, ordinary. These are the things that I fear the most in my life. You can get stuck in your life. Stay there and rot. I thought you were enough for me, but the reason you constantly disappoint me is because you were never at my level to begin with. And the sad thing is that you know it's true.
... Maybe one day I'll have the courage to say this to him. I may be fat and ugly, but I have always known that I am exceptional and I guess I thought he was exceptional too. But I was wrong. Sorry that yall have to read this crap.

Love & Hurt
Xo Xo

Fishpaste.

So as always when it comes to reaching a goal weight, I had a little binge last night... okay who am I kidding... it was epic. It's funny, but now if I binge it doesn't continue for days at a time. When I woke up this morning I was through with it... okay I mean. Let's be honest, we always want to binge, but the willpower was back again. And besides whatever, I think I earned a little binge. Today I have had about 900 cals. Which isn't great, but a few things should be noted about that intake. Firstly, it is very probably an overestimation, because I don't know exactly how much of what I ate, I ate. You know? I had sorbet for breakfast and when I put it in my calorie counter is said 900 calories and I freaked out. But as it turns out I put in grams not ml, so actually I only had half. Then I had a little bit of pasta with some tomato sauce on it. And tea. So it's around 900. Then, I am also really confused about how much I should be eating now that I am trying to maintain. I can see myself going through phases of binging and starving. So like... a binge every three days. God. My new goal is 114lbs/52kgs. But in reality, because I don't want to go lower than that (my doctor will kill me) i am going to stay between 114 and 121. So I'm giving myself room. I can't go below 114 (BMI: 16.8) and 121 (BMI 17.8). If I can stay there, I will be happy. So I think i need to lose another 3kgs and then work out from there. I just can't go over 55kgs. It's such a lovely round number you know? I am so pissed though that I can't see my chest bones. Thigh gap, got it. Ribs, got it. Where are my chest bones!? Goddammit, I know I can't have it all, but seriously. Chest bones!! Fucking assbags.

In other news, I sat on my floor today and cried for about an hour, because I am stressing so badly about my site launching on Monday and my ex is not doing anything to calm my nerves. Coco is hard at work trying to keep it together, but occasionally Piggy creeps through. My main source of anxiety is that he has pretty much let me down on every promise he has ever made to me, so why would my site be any different? Although he swears it's on track. And if it weren't for Coco, the things I'd say to him. Like the number of times I have written to him telling him not to disappoint me like he has for our whole relationship is like... a lot. And that's Piggy talking. Because that is showing the hurt. Coco then calmly deletes the message before sending it. I am not showing the hurt. He will not upset me. Coco is making sure of that. Coco is there saying 'no don't cause an issue, don't rock the boat, just let it go.' I'm so grateful for Coco.

Ice Cream & Strawberries
Xo Xo

UGW :) Fuck the fucking yeah!

So guys... guess what? I weighed 55kg flat this morning. UGW achieved. 121lbs. BMI of 17.8. Oh my fuck. Guys I have done it. :) Well done it. I'm thinking I may want to get down a little bit more. But for now, I seem to have gotten to where I wanted to be. There is no one telling me I can't lose more, so hell. Let's set another goal? I don't want to look sick though, because then people may notice. My thighs still aren't small enough. I will take some pics today and post them later :). '

Coco is keeping me strong. I am in love with my Coco self. She doesn't stress. She is just amazing and strong. I think I may axe weak Piggy all together. I mean. I don't feel sad or concerned about my ex. And i've been talking to him. I think I have finally realised that I have tried everything to make him and happy and he still isn't. I have nothing more to give.

I feel like watching a really sad movie that makes me cry for days. Any suggestions? I have been watching Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition. It's great thinspo... reverse thinspo. And then the food porn which is Masterchef Australia. I just love both. It really does motivate me to stay in check and lose a little more. I'm finally in the body close to what i have always wanted. I'm not that fat girl anymore, the funny fat one. :) Even though I look in the mirror and see a whole person worth of weight to lose still, I know that's in my mind, and for right now. I know that people aren't staring at my enormous fat. It's relieving. I realised a few days ago that I can't remember the last time I laughed uncontrollably. So my new goal. Is to find someone that makes me laugh. :) Guys. If I can do it. You can too.

Love & UGW
Xo Xo

Balls.

Well yesterday I ended up binging on oranges so my total was 620 for the day. Which obviously isn't that bad. I mean I've managed not to binge since Sunday. Today, I've had 450 cals and that's it for today. But the fucking ball sack bullshit fucken shit that is mother nature - I got my period this morning, so fucking shit that it is, I lost a tiny amount and am not 55. I'm a bit bleak about it but, hopefully if I manage to not binge until Sunday, which is my cheat day then I will get to 55. I don't really have anything to say really... Oh I have decided to go skiing with my family in January. God. It is going to be a nightmare. Dudes, I have nothing to say today. It's raining. Lol. Nope nada. Oh well I guess I could mention my lunch recipe. Which is all i've had to eat today and it was a lot of food. It was 50g of dried lentils, a clove of garlic, half a cup of frozen corn and two teaspoons of tomato paste... oh ja, and basil. It was more than enough food for a decent dinner and only about 350 cals. Twas good :) Okay enough trollop.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Corset Update

I've been listening to the Killers non stop for the last day and a bit. It's funny how you forget how much you love something when you stop listening to it for a while... I guess it's true about all things in life... Anyway, yesterday I ended up on a total of about 500 cals. Today I'm hoping for something similar and Coco is definitely staying in check. I really do like her... lol. It's so mutha fucken schizo writing about yourself as another person. But yes, it's cool that I have a person that is everything I want to be without losing my pathetic self along the way. I was 56kg's flat this morning, but I was also wearing about 1lb worth of clothing. So if I manage to stick to my cals today, 55 looks like it may happen tomorrow. I am definitely going to do a proper weigh in tomorrow. I.e. buttnaked and on that damn scale. I really do feel like i'm achieving.

A couple of things. Firstly, I'm so awesomely surprised that so many people have this alter-ego thing. Clearly, it must be a good idea. Although my friend said to me, when i told her (she's my BFF, she has to know) that if i wake up after blacking out and not remembering things, then I must let her know. Lol, she's very supportive. Anyway, another thing is that I guess my company and stuff are moving along quite fast, but I am so impatient. I guess I am a do-er. I.e. I have an idea - let's roll. I got a response from the AFF and guess what, they flat out refused to give me any details of the girls soccer league. So I have adjusted my strategy and am casting a wider net. If any of yall know anyone in Kabul, please do let me know. Five days till my site launches.

AND the topic of this post. That fucking corset. I tried it on today, and you can bet your ass, it actually zipped up with no problems at all. I didn't have to suck it in. It just zipped. Amazing what three kgs difference can make. I'm so mutha fucken stoked. Can't wait to wear it in public :D YES WE cAN!

Love & Coco
Xo Xo

Meet My Alter Ego - Coco!

I have decided to create an alter ego for myself. And her name is Coco. (I wonder why?) And before you think that Piggy has gone fucken mental, hear me out. I can't be strong all the time. Even though I am doing okay with the break up and all of that, I still feel like I am weak. So I have decided that I can be as weak as i want, but Coco is my game face. She is the face that I am using towards my ex, my family and friends (with exception obviously) and my work. Coco is fierce, she doesn't take shit, she is not emotional or sad about anything. And while Coco is around. There is no sadness, tears or weakness. And then Piggy, can be as sad and pathetic as she wants. I'm not sure if this schizo little idea of mine is actually a good idea, or even that it will work. But I can tell you, that I called my ex earlier to check on the status of my site, because with the launch only a week away, I am starting to stress serious balls here. And Coco spoke to him. Even though I'm fairly certain he has already fucked someone else, Coco doesn't care. Coco just wants her site. And Piggy is only due for reappearance later this evening and when she does, maybe she'll cry about it. Maybe Coco will tough talk her out of it. I'm making the decision to let it go. And I hope Coco is going to help with that. Coco is also perfect, she doesn't binge. That's Piggy's domain.

Today I weighed in at 56.4kg. I have had about 420 cals today so far and I will probably have another orange and some tea. So about 500 total. Yesterday I ended on 340ish. So all in all I am hoping that this will be fine. It has to be. I'm sure I can get down to 55 by the end of next week. And then 50 is only a hop, skip and a jump away. I have had an orange today, about a cup of chickpeas and beans (for the iron) mooshed up and lots of tea as always. The beans made me so full. Which I am feeling right now. But c'est la vie.

Thanks as always for the lovely comments, particularly from those regulars who always comment (you know who you are), once my site is up and running hopefully I will have more time to get back to my porn. Aka your blogs. And thanks for the cool feedback on my charity project. I emailed the Afghan Football Fed yesterday, because i can't seem to get hold of any contact details for the women's league. What a surprise. So I will see what happens. I think I may fly to Kabul ASAP to go actually find people.

Coco & Piggy
Xo Xo

Goals Redefined.

Well. The boy and I are well and truly over. And it feels great. I'm so over this drama. And he is never going to come here. He doesn't have enough balls to take what he wants. And that's just not me. So he ended things and I fought, then I gave up. And a friend said to me the wisest thing I have ever heard: But you like me, ever hopeful beyond what you need to be, and get yourself hurt. It's okay to let go. I cried when I read that, because as stupid as it sounds, I had never considered the possibility that it was okay to let it go. There is a peripheral issue here with that boy, my Lilypad (remember him?). But I told him that I'm tired of this hopeless romantic blah blah. If he wants to be with me, he must come here or let me know. I'm not going to move forward if I keep holding onto the past. The advantages of the break-up however are that I can get tattoos - as many as i want, because the boy hates tattoos. I also won't ever have to be forced into having children, thank god. I have regular nightmares about this. So on the whole, it's good. I am definitely very sad about it, but I can only do so much. And love isn't meant to be that hard. I am very disappointed in the person that he is, he has no respect for anything but himself. And that's sad. But I'm done with being disrespected and disregarded. Good luck to his next lady. Because she isn't going to live up to me and when he realises that I can't wait to laugh at him. Saying that, I'd love to still be his friend... he is doing the website for my company, so we will have to be friends. 


Anyway, so my company website will be launched in a week from today, which is SO exciting. I can't wait to start working for myself full-time. I just can't wait. I have started recruiting writers for my agency, so all in all, it's going smoothly. I have also decided that I would like to start a charity that supports a girls football league in Kabul, Afghanistan. I watched the most horrific news segment on how females are shunned and disguarded for having an interest in sport. It's disgusting. So I would like to try raise some money to help fund a girls football league :). But I need to establish my company before I start giving money away. Although I thought that I may buy equipment rather than send money, you can't trust anyone anymore to not embezzle. So my goal for 2012 is to have a self-sufficient company. And my five year goal is to start this charity for girls in Kabul. 


Oh yes, did I mention that now I can lose as much weight as i want without any pesky boyfriend telling me not to. And I am amazingly stoked. I may even try and get as low as 50!! Today I was just below 57. And so far I have had about 170 cals - which included three small blocks of chocolate and lots of tea. For dinner I am going to have honey baked peaches. And that's it. It should put my intake at around 400. Let's hope for a nice 55.something tomorrow. :) 


Thank you for all the lovely supportive comments. I must apologise publicly for not being able to reply to emails recently, I have literally been working my ass off. I will I will. And I know I say this repetitively - I'm not here to encourage an eating disorder. If you want help losing help, I am more than happy to provide assistance. I recently started chatting to a lovely young like-minded legal eagle who I'm trying to help. But I will never encourage my eating habits for ANYONE else, no matter how much you beg. As I have said so often, this is not a joke. I know often we make it sound candid and my life may sound great. But trust me. The only reason it sounds candid is because ranting on and on about how shit it is to have an eating disorder would certainly not be a very pleasant blog to read. 


Love & Peace
Xo Xo

A Novel Idea...

This is rather involved story... so I will start at the beginning. There are two sites that I have as my source of thinspo... and I look at them every. single. day. The one is Skinnyland and the other is Skinny vs Curvy. The one doesn't update more than once maybe twice a week, but nonetheless they are my favourite thinspo sites. And what was absolutely magical today was looking at the sites and the one in particular... celeb after celeb, with the exception of a certain slutty tween, I was like... I'm thinner, i'm smaller, my thighs are smaller. And trully, it was abso-fucking-lutely beautiful. Like, look I know I am not model thin. But at least I have smaller thighs than Rachael Bilson (whoever the fuck she is!). It made me feel really awesome. Then for some reason I had this memory of my incredibly hot housemate from Cape Town making a remark about Zoey Deschanel being the most perfect woman. And at the time, I was a little challenged, because you seem to think that even though I didn't want to hook up with this guy, I still wanted all the men I knew to think I was the hottest thing around because I'm thin. So obviously him saying that meant that I wasn't thin enough. Truth be told, I'm only about 3kgs lighter now. Anyway, so of course this got me thinking and I went and googled her height and weight, and I am thinner. Bitches I am thinner. Again, though not my point. So then I noticed one of the images for her was on a blog where the author was like Zoey is her ultimate goal. I was like YES more blogs to read... and guess what? It was for a 300 pound overweight 30-something mother of two. Healthy diet and exercise. I started giggling. What a novel idea... it almost seems like I would have absolutely no interest in reading blogs like that, because they don't necessarily relate to me. I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not like I need an ED to inspire me. But let's face it. We are pretty good at weight loss and I certainly don't want to read about someone who eats 5 - 6 small meals a day. And has no problem with it. One of two things happen - you starve because you know you can. Suck on this. Or you binge, because it's sad that you can't do that and still be happy. I don't know if that makes sense?

Anyway, yesterday morning I weighed in at 57... but then I binged. So back on it today. My goal is to get to Wednesday without binging. Clearly, I can't make it a whole week without binging, so now I need to try four consecutive days and work myself up. :) Thanks for all the comments on my last post. No one is harassing me thankfully. Although if they wanted to: bring it on mutha fuckers. As some of the comments said, if you don't like it - get the fuck off my blog and don't come back. :) Luckily, I only have lovely beautiful supportive people that read this dribble and for that I am really thankful. This is also my 200th post. :) And in the last week my followers are just shooting up. SO WELCOME!! And if you do have a cool blog, prease leave the URL for me. I am always looking to start reading new blogs. It's my porn :)

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

To the haters...

I have a rant coming along. So warning in advance. These fucken haters that think they can comment on our blogs and tell us that there is something wrong with us? Congrat-u-fucking-lations, you stupid narrow minded assholes. Yes, there is something wrong with us. Did you ever read any of the posts denying that we are a little fucked in the head. Possibly very irresponsible and certainly maybe we do encourage bad habits on each other. But fuck you. Judith is deleting her blog because the haters won't leave her alone. Guess what, you narrow minded cunts. We don't these write these blogs because we want to encourage people to be like us. Fuck, how stupid can you be? We write these blogs because without this support we are alone. We write these blogs because people in our lives don't understand the living hell we go through on a daily basis. And fuck you for making us feel like there is something wrong with us, because we have a problem. If it were cancer people would be supportive. If it was paranoid schizophrenia, people would be supportive. We don't choose this disease, it happens. And trust me. No one thinks that it is okay. We just have to learn to deal with it. And yes, there are some of the teenagers and the young ones who do the ED thing because they want to be thin. Yes, i admit, there are a lot of posers. but those people. I feel sorry for them because for a lot of people that's how it starts. And then there is no way out. For those of us that are older, fuck. It feels like we will never beat this thing. It becomes so comforting, you almost don't know how to have a life without it, because in this crazy world, for most of us, it's the only control we have. This may sound fucked, and maybe it actually fucked, but who the fuck do you think you are imposing your judgment and your insecurities on us. For the most part, we are not those people. We are not encouraging people to be like us. So next time, you feel the need to spread your hate and fucking poison onto the only source of support we have. Please, rather take a chair, and high five yourself in the face with it. Because you deserve to be congratulated on making someone that already feels like shit, and for the majority of us, also suicidal, feel like a social nuisance for having a problem. To the haters, and by god i hope you read this. Bring it on. And fuck you. *rant over*

In other news, today was a good day :)

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

disgusting.

I am disgusting. Absolutely piggishly freakishly disgusting in every way known to man kind. Truly. I have been eating non stop since Sunday. I am too scared to weigh myself. Fucking terrified. I have nothing to add to this, except today I realised that this has to change. So I am on a diet of banana and tea. I am going to have one banana for dinner later. And it's it for the day. I'm sorry to let everyone down. I've been really busy with work on top of having to get this website going. And then the smoking as well... munchies. You know how it goes. On the plus side, I've washed dishes today and it is my mission to keep the sink empty, except for tea cups. No trace of made food. I also took out the trash and maybe i'll do some laundry, but I doubt it. Lol, i've also been watching a lot of trashy teen sorority type movies. Fuck. It's kinda sad, but on the plus side, it is generally quite good thinspo. I need to get a new phone as well and I am totally stuck on deciding between an iphone or another blackberry... decisions, decisions.

Tea & Love
Xo Xo

I disappointed myself.

Yes, I really did. Besides the binge fest that happened on Sunday, spilling over into today - which can be remedied by a couple days of fasting - which is happening as of 5pm Monday till 5pm Wednesday. I will be having tea though. Because I cannot work without tea. Anyway, so besides this disgusting eating which has certainly fucked up my whole beautiful thin BMI - again, I am confident that two days of fasting followed by some nice restricting will fix that. The disappointing thing is twofold. Firstly, i was feeling a little sorry for myself so I drank two bottles of wine. And yes, I got F.U.C.K.E.D up. And proceeded to annoy the boy for hours on end... and I cut. It felt so good, but it's the first time in... four months or so that I have cut and I stupidly cut on my arm. My forearm, so now that's going to be fun explaining. Stupid Piggy. I thought I was okay. And the way I did it was also really stupid, the boy and I got into a fight which I don't remember what about because I was too drunk and I grabbed a knife and started slashing. SO idiotic. I know that I do it to make myself feel better, but I also know i do it to hurt him. I will tell him about it if I want to hurt him... it's so fucked up. It's not bad cuts, more like deep scratches. I don't know what's wrong with me. Anyway, so I'm very disappointed with myself. Fuck sakes. I'm very disappointed that I got fucked up wasted ass drunk. I need to go to AA. It started off with one bottle and then the very edge of memory of last night recalls going to the offlicense to get another bottle. I was fucken wasted already but it wasn't enough. I needed more. I was downing the wine in huge gulps because I wanted the feeling of being drunk and unconcerned. I needed it. it's almost very tragic. I guess... my life is a little tragic.

Drink & Drunk
Xo Xo