1 Year Ago

1 Year ago today I tried to kill myself. And my thoughts today have been sad and plagued by my ex. Its so hard to miss him sometimes because i hate him and most days I don't miss him at all, but today I miss him. I dreamt about him this morning... and I dreamt that I met his fiancee and that she was fucking gorgeous. Everything I'm not. For those that don't know, a year ago I downed a bottle of pills and I guess that it was the beginning of the end. For him and I because it began the cycle of break up make up. I hate him so much, but I miss my friend. And even sadder than dreaming about him, because people get over people, I dreamt about my Roo bear - which was our cat, the cat that I left with him in Cape Town, because i thought that he needed my babiest bear more than I did. I miss my baby bear though, what an amazing cat. Anyway, so today I am sad and weepy. Days like today, I wish that I had never left Cape Town. Days like today I just want to crawl under a rock and die. Days like today, I wish I had Roy to cuddle me and keep me safe. He is the only person that ever made me feel safe from the world. Like I could get through all of this craziness that goes on in my head. The tragedy of course, is that I won't ever be able to forgive him. Ever. I wish I could have him cut out of my head. "You did this. Its your fault. Oh my god I'm losing it, get a grip Marshall". I am losing it. I still want to die every single day. If my life is not different in 1 year from today. I am going to do it properly. That is my promise to myself. I'm not going to be a tragedy. I refuse.

That aside, I have had about 180 calories today which has consisted of three cups of tea and two pears. Who knew that pears were so fucking high in calories. Tomorrow, I will be happier and go back to being strong. Coco is going to keep me upright. But today, today I reflect on the fact that I lost my soulmate, tried to kill myself and 1 year later, I am just as miserable as I was on that sunday sitting on my couch. I wish he was here. I wish he could be here without saying anything and just hold me. Fat Piggy falling apart today. 1 year, and just as sad.

Sadness & Tragedy
Xo Xo

Well that was different...

So a very long story short about my weekend which turned out to be an unmitigated disaster packed full of high calorie beverages and a couple of sandwiches later. Let me give you the highlights. Firstly, I have pretty much undone every all the good work from last week. I decided to get drunk on friday and then ate some chicken while out with friends and felt so guilty about it, that it literally made me feel nauseous enough that I made myself throw it all up. So, i suppose. I have now purged. But I won't do it again. It was just that one time. And what's funny is that I swore I couldn't actually do it because I have an iron gag reflex, as it turns out - I was wrong. I also started getting sexy with a german on friday until... and this is the highlight of the weekend. Until ladies, until I pulled off his toupe. i.e. his wig. Yes, a gorgeous hipster german 25 year old boy was wearing a toupe. So I shrieked an threw it about ten feet away. That was the end of that. OMG. Sex and the city moment much? Needless to say, won't be seeing THAT ONE again. Freaky little rat boy. My life is a farce. What can I say.

I had the most uncomfortable period ever yesterday, the first day is always the worst, but it was like this achy bloated disgustingness in my stomach. SO awful. So yesterday I spent my day flat on my back feeling sorry for myself, although family friends did bring my couch around, so now I have a couch which Gremlin has claimed as his personal jungle gym. Little annoying Gremlin. He has decided that it is too cold to go outside so he just dashes around and tries to sit on me while I'm working. Little Gremonster.

ANYWAY, I have had about... maybe 150 cals today. I don't want anymore. I had two cups of coffee with milk and I just made a salad which I don't feel like finishing. So, yes, that's it for today. I postponed my test shoot till next monday because I am too bloated and disgusting to do it. I told them I was highly contagious. An incubus of viral plague. so they rescheduled. Hopefully, I won't be so disgusting and bloated tomorrow so I can actually weigh myself properly. I looked like a pregnant bird yesterday between all the alcohol bloaties and the period bloaties. Fucking awful.

Love & Kittens
Xo Xo

All I want to do...

All I want to do right now is order a jumbo thin crusted quattro fromagi, fish and chips, pesto pasta and a trough of ice cream. Oh my god girls, it is literally taking all of me right now to stop myself from ordering it. I have been looking at the website that does these deliveries, mentally making a note of the things that I am GOING to order. And then, I try to focus on that shoot on Tuesday and the fact that I am five days without a binge. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. All I want is to stop wanting to eat everything. I can do this. Tomorrow is rugby so I know I am going to drink, so I can't binge out tonight. Sunday, family friends are coming to bring my couch round and then they want to go have breakfast, so I am going to be forced to eat there as well. I cannot binge. I cannot binge. I cannot binge. Today, I have already had about 530 calories and I'm not hungry. I had a pear, tea with milk, a small bowl of cereal and about a cup of pasta (without any sauce, I figured I'd rather have more pasta than sauce). So I'm still okay, no binging Piggy, Coco needs to keep me strong. THiNK of the shoot. This morning I was 60.5 so things are still going okay. I know I can make it through the rest of the evening. I just need to finish this paper I'm working on and then I can crawl up into bed and go to sleep. Once I'm in bed, I'll be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. No binging Piggy, Coco needs to be present for the shoot on Tuesday, no one wants to photograph a whale. I think I'm trying to talk myself into it. LOL. OKAY. I can do this. You can eat Pizza another time, but right now is not the time for weakness. Right now is the time for skinniess and self-control. I will break 60 tomorrow. Five days without a binge. I CAN DO THIS.

Love & Strength
Xo Xo

News Anyone?

So... I have some exciting news. Which I will get to. But before I do. Firstly, today I was 61 flat! EXCITING. I'm hoping tomorrow to break the 60 mark. BUT I'm feeling all bloaty mcWhale again, which means the period is coming. Yay me. No, not really. Today I have had about 330 cals, which consisted all the usual milk from my hundred cups of tea and a turkey, spinach, cilantro, chilli, garlic and ginger stirfry thingy. Which was nice... But not that great. I think next time i need to use bok choy so that it's a little more crispy, cuz I think it is meant to have some crunch in it. I would use nuts, but nuts are so high in calories. Anyway, and now I am chugging down a litre and a half of coke zero. Dyou ever feel like you have eaten way more than you think you have. OH WAIT. I had a plum this morning. Okay, so that's actually... 359 cals for the day. All good. Anyway, so do you ever feel like you've eaten way more than you actually have. I mean for example. I was sitting putting in my cals on my calorie counter (I use Sparkpeople.com - also I like to look at the fat people, cuz it's like. inspiration for me) and I swear I was going... "uhhh what did I eat. no no, I don't feel hungry, that must mean I've eaten more - am I forgetting the heaping bowl of pasta I ate this morning... no didn't eat pasta... THERE MUST BE MORE" Its kinda like I expect myself to have cheated, so I go on little obsessive streaks that there must have been more calories. Even four days ago when I had a binge day, I had two potatoes, pesto pasta and cereal, oh and a bunch of peanut butter. All of that was only 1300 cals. And even though that is way high for me, it's still way less than still way less than the recommended calorie amount. I mean. It is times like that when I realise just how fucking nutter we really are, but then. Don't care.

The other thing today was this stupid friend of mine. Well there's a bit of a backstory here. Basically, I was friends with her in Cape Town only because I wanted to party and be wild and she was so desperate to be cool that she bought all the drugs and the booze. Not that we went crazy with drugs, but here and there when we took em she was buying. I'm not proud of the fact that the only reason I hung out with her was because she was paying, but it is what it is. Anyway, so she got hauled off to a crazy hospital and then rehab about two months ago. After having an affair with a married man, whose wife and child have now left him because of her and she got him hooked on drugs as well. ANYWAY, so now she has moved back to joburg and is going out with her ex boyfriend, who dated her for three months a year or two ago and treated her like shit and then kicked her to the curb once a better piece of ass came along. Anyway, so a week or two ago I gave her a 'harsh realities of life' speech, which was basically that she is being stupid going back to this guy after he treated her so badly. So then today she tried to start talking about him and I told her that I was going to discuss Tristan with her, because I am not supportive of their relationship, so instead of being judgy and saying bad things about him, I'm just not going to say anything at all. I thought this was a mature approach to their relationship, because I know it's going to blow up, because with men like that it always does. Anyway, so she deleted me on facebook and off whatsapp. Now tbh I'm not upset by it, because she is so annoying, but I'm shocked at her level of immaturity about it. I mean. I didn't say anything mean about him. fucking cray cray. Okay, so now I'm going to stop ranting about it - and I can't wait till she comes crawling back after he fucks her over again. Fucking stupid people, they think I have no idea what I'm talking about.

So, my exciting news. An agency, like a modelling agency, got my pictures from that test shoot I did back in May. And they want me to do a test shoot next week. :D :D So I'm excited. I mean, I'm three kgs heavier than I was by then, but I'm hoping that if I restrict nicely till Tuesday, then I will have lost atleast 2 of those three by then. I mean, I have 5 days to lose 2kgs, I can do this. I'm sure I can. I feel so insecure about it though. Like, they are going to be judging my bad hair and my bad skin and my weight, my untoned stomach. All of it. And I don't know what to wear... I dunno. I think I may actually want to try the modelling seriously, so that I can get some work and stick it to my ex. Yeah, bitch. Look what you're missing. BOOM. So I'm going to scour my Vogues and practice a few poses so I can be prepared for my shoot. I hope hope hope it goes well. But strictly 500 days till then. I have been binge free now for three days. But Tuesday it will be... 8 days. Wow, can you imagine being binge free for that long? Shit son. :D I'm excited. :) I think maybe I should do some situps and lunges just till then to try get rid of some of this jiggle. But I'm so crampy.

Sorry, this was SUCH a long post. Thanks for all the love and comments on my last post, has definitely given me something to think about.

Love & Kisses
Xo Xo

The Curvy debate continues...

So, my previous post seems to have sparked a bit of debate. And a point I didn't mention in my previous blog, which I then mentioned in Judiths post is this. And i'll try and be brief, because I've been awake for about 31 hours and my brain hurts and typing is hard. My point is this. Modern society is saying that it is okay to be curvy. Cool. And that it is fine to be the average. My problem with this is that the average size woman is a size 14, the average female bmi in England is 27. Ten years ago it was a size 10. So if we keep adjusting our beliefs according to the average, we are in serious trouble. Because in ten years time, we are going to be saying that a size 18 is fine because it's average, no. I am a tall girl and I was overweight at a size 12, so yes the average woman is overweight. Now, we also know that obesity related diseases are one the biggest killers in the world. Why not give the kids heroine? It's a faster way of killing them. You wouldn't give a drug addict crack, you wouldn't give an alcoholic booze. And is food any different? No. We live in a now generation where we constantly want more more more and we want it now. We are a generation of people that are incapable of saying no. Look at the debt crisis, for example? Practising a little self-restraint is not saying that you can't eat what you want, it's the same as saying that instead of drinking a bottle of wine a day. have a glass. Yes, dieting sucks, but the reverse is a slow and painful death. We also know that we are biologically predisposed to getting fatter as we get older. So what begins as a size 14 20-something year old, is going to lead to a size 28 40 year old. As human beings, we have started to become more aware of self-preservation yet somehow suggesting that we stay at a healthy weight doesn't factor into this. It's economically inefficient to have an overweight workforce because of the illness related to execessive weight, the economy is going to have carry those people that can't work because of their weight, or who need excessive time off from work because of it, and later on it leads to early retirement and excessive medical costs. Everything about being overweight is bad for you. Not to mention the fact that is a generation of women bred to believe that they aren't beautiful. And ladies, no fat girl. Loves that she's fat. Well very few. So this lie that society tells us about how 'curvy' is beautiful, it's all a big. fat. lie.

Anyway, so this morning I weighed in at 61.5kg. That's progress girls. Getting back on track, today I've had a bunch of coffee and a lot of peanut butter, so about 550 cals is my guess, cuz I'm not sure how much PB I ate. Anyway, I pulled an allnighter with all the deadlines I have and now I'm going to bed. Hoping to see a flat 61 tomorrow. :D :D

Love & Peanut Butter (crunchy, duh.)
Xo Xo

Curvy Girls

Something I noticed today on facebook is that there are a shitload of pages and groups dedicated to saying that curvy girls are better than skinny girls. And you see this more and more in celebrity culture, embracing their curves, this what is 'real' women look like. Now, yes, real women aren't skinny. I get that. BUT why oh FUCKING WHY is curvy all of a sudden a euphemism for fat. If you look at those sites, they are saying size 16's are okay. Dudes, unless you are like 6 foot, which lets face it - most women are not, then a 16 is overweight. So let's consider this right. Okay, so no one likes a skeleton sure. But saying it is okay to be overweight - are you fucking kidding me. Let's look at the health risks, apart from all the disease risk factors that are increased from being even slightly overweight, there is the strain on your body, the clear lack of concern for the food you are shoving in your pie hole, tendencies to overeat and the obvious one - no size 16 exercises regularly. Come now. The possibility that 'curvy' women actually have the correct eating and workout schedules is in fact very low. I'm so sick of current media telling people that skinny is wrong, meanwhile, flip through the pages of every magazine and the person telling you skinny is wrong is also fucking skinny. Come on. Talk about schizophrenic media. No wonder everyone is so fucked up.

Anyway, that aside. Yesterday turned into a slight eating day which ended around 2000 calories, which I suppose is better than 5000 but still. It was meant to be around 500. Anyway, not to worry. To mitigate that today is going to a 500-er. I have had two cups of coffee so far (seem to have gone off the honey part) and then am going to have two plums later and tomato and basil soup. All in all it should come to around 400. Then tomorrow I have big plans to learn how to make a Vietnamese salad. I watch a lot of masterchef australia and I LOVE it and in season 3 there is this kickass girl called Dani and her vibe is Vietnamese and all the food looks so epic. So I think I may do that with turkey, cuz it's so low in calories. I mean really. It's like fish. Cray Cray.

Love & Skinnies
Xo Xo

What an Angry Bitch

... that's me by the way. I am an angry, angry person at the moment. Which is strange for me, because I'm not generally an angry type. I'm generally happy and upbeat. What the fuck is going on? Not only am I hating on happiness, but everything. Every tiny little thing is pissing me off. Not just pissing me off, but infuriating me to within an inch of my sanity. I want to shout at everything, everyone. I want to smack stupid people. I am just pissed. It may be pms, but it has been about two weeks now. And everything is still annoying me. I hope this is just a phase. Of course, I'm not going around acting like a meanie. I'd never do that. But beware my wrath if you piss me off. I blogged earlier about that masters dude with fuck all backbone. Well, he texted me earlier and started yacking on and on about this chick that he met and oh lawdy, he unleashed the beast. Now, I know that I have a valid point with him, because he is self-centered and manages to make every conversation about him. If I talk about myself, I get one word answers or he just ignores me. So I ripped into him. Even though I had a legitimate point, I don't think it was necessary to go as ape-shit on him as I did... but I did. And then after my little 'harsh realities of life' speech, I felt SO guilty. Because, I know he doesn't mean it. I also know that even though i want people to take an interest in my life, I am very evasive about their questions because I don't want to seem as if I am self-indulgent and whiney. Generally, I just change the subject. I guess, all in all, it isn't entirely his fault, but it still is and I had a go. Fucking ANGRY. *RAGE*

Anyhoo... Today I fruit fasted which involved two pears and four plums. Also, a landslide of tea. Which has resulted in 368 cals for the day. I know that it isn't as low as a proper fast, but it feels good to be feeding my body with all natural fruity goodness. My friend who is on the Dukan diet hasn't had fruit in months. I don't know how she does it. I ate protein for two days in a row and at the end of it, I was like a ravenous fruit fly. GIVE ME A MANGO GODDAMN! I think I'm more of an omnivore... a herbivore even. (Lol, maybe even an omnomnivore... when I'm binging) Anyway, going to weigh in tomorrow. Hoping to be in the 61's. which is so disappointing considering how much weight I've gained in three months, but I think that for people like us, there are constant cycles of gains and losses. I'm determined to make sure that this next phase of my life is a loss cycle. I have a friend from highschool coming to London in a month and I'm determined to be back in the 50's by the time he gets here, because the last time he saw me I was 59. No big. *YESWECAN*

Pears & Plums
Xo Xo

The Lies We Tell

I was sitting thinking at sparrows this morning about the lies that I tell on a constant basis... Let me back up though. There is this friend from home who is a masters grad engineering lecturer and he is hot as fuck. And he is a nice guy. We get along very well and all things considered, we are the same person. Narcissism be damned, but I have such an 'if only' crush on him. ANYWAY, the point is that we share our mutual misery for life and our heartbroken sorrows with one another. Last weekend however I was happily texting away and he told me he was with a girl. As in, he is seeing someone now. And that was the last I spoke to him. He has texted me since then, but I have just not replied. And the reason being, besides a bit of latent jealousy is that I am just not happy for him and I don't want to have to be forced to say the words 'I'm happy for you'. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'm not happy for a friend who just had a baby (even though I hate babies GROSS), I'm not happy for my sister planning her wedding, I'm not happy for my couple friends and all their awesome christmasy bullshit. I'm just not happy. The only people that I am happy for are the friends that I have that have recently had their hearts broken. I want to talk to them. The rest can go get fucked as far as I'm concerned.

The bullshit thing of course is that we tell these lies all the time. Just because I don't speak to these people often, doesn't mean I don't fake happiness with regards to wedding planning - my sister and friend. I stay involved and I hate it. I want everyone to be as miserable as I am. I have a little notebook and since the split with my ex, I have filled it with letters to him. Things that I want to say to him, but I can't. And I tell myself that I hate him all the time. But sometimes I still miss him, he was my best friend. And last night was another letter to him telling him about this cat that I saw and how it reminded me of this one cat we saw with a friend that was like a ball of fur. ANYWAY. I can't exactly remember what the point of this post was, but it just does really suck that we are forced to constantly lie. CONSTANTLY for the sake of being proper. I'm not a happy person, I am jealous and envious and awful most of the time. And my reaction to the lies in my life was to move across the world. Oh ja, p.s. any australians wanna marry me for a passport?

In other news, today is the fruit fast, will update later to let you know how this goes :) But so far, so good. And I'll reveal my weight tomorrow, but I think it's looking good. NOT great. But better.

Love & Lies
Xo Xo

Not Much

I have so much work to do which I have been monstrously procrastinating about, so it's 9pm on a Saturday and that's what I'm about to get to. BORING! Whatever. Today started as a fast, however in a moment of weakness I had a cup of grated cheese, so about 400 cals of cheese. With the milk from my tea coming to a fabulous 480ish calories for the day. Well done Piggy, well done.

As a bit of an update, Seether was fabulous. I met this lovely group of vaguely attractive and slightly older South Africans, which was lovely and they all seem beautifully responsible. I also got drunk, but not horribly. Enough to loosen up, but not enough to be embarrassing. I caught the last tube home and everything was fine.

I have also decided that my UGW is going to be 50kg now. 110lbs. I got down to 55. But that wasn't enough. This is the parfait time of year to dedicate ourselves to this. Tomorrow, I plan on doing a fruit fast. I have a bunch of plums and pears in my fridge that I needa finish. So that's the plan for tomorrow. One day at a time. Yes. We. Can.

Cheesies & Love
Xo Xo

Excitement IN MY FACE!

Omgosh guys, I am so fucken excited. Tomorrow night I am seeing Seether. Which is a band... for those that don't know. They are originally a South African band that moved to the states and now they are fairly big... As a band. ANYWAY, so they are playing tomorrow night and originally I thought I wouldn't be able to get tickets, then I posted in the fb event and this girl replied, so I'm getting my ticket tomorrow and going to rock out with my cock out. Yes that right. I can't mutha fucken wait. Oh hang on Piggy, what's that thing you do when you're happy - QUEUE MUSIC *happy penguin dance*

In other news, Piggy failed Coco last night. After my lovely day of low cal eating, I cracked and had a late night binge fest which consisted of four bbq chicken wings, a cheese burger and two fishcakes. Not the worst, but definitely worse. If you know what I mean. ANYWAY. So today, I have been pondering a ketogenic diet, because my bestie is on the Dukan Diet and according to my research the high protein vibes makes you lose fat and not muscle... mind you not that there is any muscle on me. A true Piggy, all fat. Lol, a fat piggy even. AHa. Strange fucken mood that I am in tonight. ANYWAY. So I've been thinking about doing a protein rich diet. Only problem is that I have a number of concerns. Number one. Protein is super high in calories and I'd rather have quantity over quality if you know what I mean. In other words I'd rather have ten pears than two chicken breasts. And fruit is so yummy as well and on these diets there are no carbs including fruit. I LOVE fruit. mmm I could eat a pear right now. SAVE IT TILL TOMORROW PIGGY. Secondly, I'm always worried about my vitamin and mineral intake, so if I'm not eating veggies and fruits, where am I getting my vitamins from. I mean, this is me. I can't exactly afford to get depressed - otherwise there will be major binge eating and even more major cut-cutter-ing. *whomp whomp whomp* Ever make funny sounds just because you wanna make funny sounds.

Today I have a lovely svelte 487 cals which has consisted of about 150mls of fruit smoothie, two chicken breasts and coffee with milk. Tomorrow I think will be an all fruit day. I had a boat load of plums in my fridge and I want to be as skinny as possible for Seether. YES SEETHER *headbang*

Update to the Saturday boy sitch, I sent him a fb message suggesting that we do this thing in Kentish town on Tuesday called Bring Your Own Vinyl, which is basically chilled drinking with people bringing their own vinyls to be played. I mean. Awesome right? Anyway, that was at... 3pm? And I haven't heard back. OH well. You win some, you lose some. I'm going to start hanging out in Camden more so that I can listen to more live music. I love jamming to live music. *yes we can* I'm pretty manic right now (can you tell?). Manic Piggy O. V. E. R. and out.


Peace & Posh
Xo Xo

Minty Fresh

Today has finally been a good day. I have had 494 calories - WIN. Which consisted of two cups of coffee, a whole bunch of chickpeas and a mint yoghurt. Finally feeling like I am back on track again properly. Obviously this is just truly awesomeballs. I'm hoping to be back at 55 by New Years Eve. Because, that's the weight I was this time last year. In a lot of ways it is hard to believe that I have been this weight consistently for a year and that I haven't put it all back on again. Okay, I have fluctuated up significantly, but it is no where near where I started and that is positive. Gooooooooooo team. 

And the other great thing that happened today was that I found a coat. I had this beautiful New Look royal blue coat about three or four months ago and I left it at a bar, and because I left the bar in such a state, I was way to embarrassed to go back and get it, HOWEVER today upon random ebay browsing I saw the exact same coat in exactly the right size and everything. I am so fucken happy. Can't even describe, even though its just a coat. Tomorrow is laundry day though. Come on Coco get a brother through this. 

Haven't heard from that boy again, not since last night anyway. I'm going to play it cool for a week or so before I make a move. GOD I HATE DATING!! On the plus side though after all the heartbreak and hurt. I don't really give a shit about my scumbag ex. Fuck you assbag. ANYWAY. And just for the record, I HATE Taylor Swift, but this is such an awesome pic and she looks so skinny with such long legs. Also an update on my hair, it hasn't fallen out yet. SO YAY. I'm hoping that it will all be fine :) 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Olive Oil se MA!

OMG, so today, I have been totally good. I've had two potatoes and that's it. BUT I now find out that they were cooked in fucking olive oil, whereas I always dry roast things. Seriously, the oil doesn't add to the flavour much and I can do without the calories. ANYWAY, the result is, instead of only having 450 cals, I've now had about... Oh I don't know. LIKE eight-fucking-hundred. SIGH SIGH. Okay, silver lining. It's still under 1000 - which is fine. I'm going to do some lunges now and some sit ups. So hopefully that can get ye ol' metabolism a workin'. ANYWAY. Calm down Piggy. Coco is zen. WooooZaaaa.

Right, so in my dating life. I got a little news... Nothing special and not getting any hopes anywhere because he is bound to disappoint me. BUT. On Saturday I met a guy, who left really abruptly when his friend starting... falling everywhere. Poor girl - so drunk. Anyway, so after chatting the whole night, and nada. I was like, bitch please. I'm a modern woman. ANYWAY, so this is where it gets a wee bitty stalkerish, but bear with me. He lives with these two girls who are friends of my friend that I partied with on Saturday. So I found him on fb and sent him a message asking him out. Like proper girls. I could have died of embarrassment. I shit you not, I was writing the message going 'i'm a modern girl, I can do this. I'm just asking some guy out so what. SO WHAT are you CRAY CRAY - you found this poor guy on facebook - he didn't ask for your number, maybe he didn't want it. OMG stalker alert - jesus christ Piggy, just delete the message and move on. NO nO piggy, this is not a big deal, maybe he'll be impressed with your ballsyness." Anyway, so after tough talking myself back into it. I finally did send him a message and he replied yesterday with his phone number, BUT ladies, BUT - he used the word 'suppose' as in "i suppose we can hang" - this does not work for me. So I'm not going to text him, but then he sent me another message on fb, so I changed my mind. After all the bullshit with my ex, I think I've forgotten how to date... SAD MUCH!? Anyway, he is totally gorgeous and tall. And a civil engineer. Which is epic times. But then he seems like a party boy, and I don't know about that...

That is pretty much about as interesting as it gets for me at the moment. It's now 11.30pm and I need to do some work. SIGH!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Ironically.

This post is more of a miniature rant than anything else, but don't you fucking hate it how people misuse the word 'ironically'. I swear to fuck, the number of times that people misuse that word is fucking ridiculous. In fact, words in general. For example, I use relatively big words when I talk. Not on this blog mind you, but in general my language could be described as a little verbose. But fuck it dudes, it kills me when people feel the need to match that language and they do it badly. One of my good friends does it a lot and she just fucks it up like crazy mad. Like saying irrespective instead of regardless. In a lot of the papers that I edit for work, this also happens to me SO often. It sounds like African politicians are speaking - which you may think is a bit of a strange thing to say, but let me tell you. The way things go down at home with politicians is the craziest use of the English language, instead of just saying something in 5 words, it has to be said in like 50. It drives me fucking nuts. 

Anyway. In other news, tomorrow is the start of a new week and I'm hoping to do 500 cal days for the rest of the week. I'm so fucken broke as well. *sigh* Anyone wanna contribute to the money for Piggy fund? *rofl*. I wonder sometimes about those women that are professional girlfriends. I feel like I should look into that. Get wealthy playboys to buy me nice things. God. It's like modern day prostitution isn't it. HAHA. What a thought.

Words & Lyrics

Xo Xo

Obamanation!

Wowee, it has been such a stressful past couple of days. Just a quick little post to say HI to everyone. I've been having a lot of breakdowns recently. Like little crying bitch fits about nothing. I even considered lo and behold going back to Cape Town out of aching loneliness. HOWEVER. I will not. I shall persevere. I can't let them get the best of me.

So firstly, let's say heyyyyyyyyy to the Pres, proving once and for all that it is true, once you go black you never go back! HaHA! No I'm kidding. I'm so fucking stoked about Obama winning, I can't even tell you. And legalising weed in Colorado and Washington. America, fuck yeah.

I'm still fat. Today I have had about... 700 calories. Which isn't too bad. I'm hoping to do a full on fruit fast tomorrow, although I have just been invited to dinner at a friends place, which isn't the best situation. I also have fucken chemical burns on my head from bleaching my hair. Fucking stupid idiot that I am. I decided to do it myself and it burnt like a bitch. I thought I got away with it, not even to mention that my hair is rather yellow instead of white, so now I need to go find toner. ANYWAY. And now I can feel crusty scabs on my scalp. Nice piggy, fucking nice.

Anyway, tomorrow I am attending a human rights conference at the University of East London. I'm hoping that it will feed my brain and I will make a couple new contacts through it. You know, saving the world one poverty victim at a time. Will report back tomorrow.

SKYLAR, I STILL CAN'T COMMENT ON YOUR BLOG! WHAT'S UP! And thank you as usual for all the lovely comments. :) I met my neighbours yesterday and the one seems to like randomly checking in. If I wanted to live in a sharehouse I would. But I don't, because I don't want to put up with people. Leave me aloneeeee mutha fucker. ANYWAY. To bed with me. It's been a long ass day.

Peace on Earth & Love
Xo Xo

Whoa, such a busy week!

Whoop whoop! Ladies and gents, this broadcast is coming to you LIVE from Tottenham, London. It is dodgy, it is noisy, but god damn peeps, it is big and spacious!! Boom.

So basically, I have had a super busy weekend and week, getting stuff done. Lets start with tales from the weekend. On Friday I went out and got very drunk with friends. I ended up getting into a fight on the bus at 7am on Saturday morning who was accusing me of being racist. Basically, I was sitting on the top level of the bus and I was tired and drunk and the three of them surrounded me. And tried to talk. I told them very politely that I was tired and drunk and therefore didn't want to talk to them. So this dude, goes OFF at me about being racist. So I threw the rest of my drink on him. And he grabbed my hair. So I punched him. It didn't really do anything since I'm such a weakling, but I am starting krav maga. I am sick of being unable to protect myself. This isn't the first time I've been assaulted by someone and I've had enough. It is more than likely going to be just me for the rest of my life. And life is rough and if a mans gonna make it he's gotta be tough.

After this whole situation I jumped off the bus in the middle of nowhere and it took me ages to get home. I couldn't even go to sleep because I had to fetch the keys for my new place, so I ended up moving and packing my entire flat on Saturday without sleep and still drunk. I took a half a bottle of vodka for the bus ride home, so was even more pissed when I eventually got home. Saturday was a write-off. So so tired. But I'm here now and my flat looks like Chernobyl - and that is all that counts.

As a by product of being so horrendously hungover on Friday and Saturday, I ate like shit. Which didn't help the weight. It was awful. So now I'm back on restriction and its going well. I've had about 450 cals today, which is epic. I saw some cool malaysian recipes for various dishes that don't have carbs in them. And luckily, unlike chinese and japanese cooking, these dishes also don't have a shiton of oil in them. So I want to try and make them. Chilli paste, ginger and yumminess. Om nom nom.

Thanks for all the lovely ass comments on my last couple of posts. And I also want to thank some of the kids that have been sending me emails. It really never gets old to hear that you guys can somehow identify with all of this. And I LOVE getting emails. So send away. I have a couple to reply to which I will get to in the next day or two. I promise I'm not ignoring anyone :) Girls gone cray cray!

And if you are in the US - GO VOTE AND VOTE OBAMA!!! I watched this doc called the Invisible War, which is about the rape epidemic in the US military. It really confirmed for me that gender rights is something that I feel very strongly about. So I think that I am definitely going to commit to that for my masters. With the US system of court marshalling - over 80% of reported rape cases are never investigated and the rape victims are the ones who suffer the consequences by getting charged with conduct unbecoming of servicemen and adultery. I can't believe it. I have such a deep respect for the US military and militarys in general. I have always loved the idea of serving ones country, but after seeing this. I have a vastly different picture of the integrity of that institution. According to this documentary, 15% of the new recruits in the military have been charged with or convicted of sexual assault, which is three times higher than the national average. What the fuck is going on that women are treated like this? That men are allowed to get away with this, because the military is a nepotistic boys club? And even worse, the women are made to feel as if it is their fault for wearing skirts or running shorts. OR EVEN wearing makeup. This in unacceptable. If I do nothing else in my life, I am going to make sure that my academic career is dedicated to making sure that my gender is not used as a basis for discrimination and a historical means of oppression and violence against me. I don't plan to ever have children, but I will make sure that my friends and family's daughters will live in a safer world than myself and my sisters do. (OKAY - big rant - feel the PASSION! *grrrr*)

Love to all o'rrr the world & Peace
Xo Xo