I was sitting thinking at sparrows this morning about the lies that I tell on a constant basis... Let me back up though. There is this friend from home who is a masters grad engineering lecturer and he is hot as fuck. And he is a nice guy. We get along very well and all things considered, we are the same person. Narcissism be damned, but I have such an 'if only' crush on him. ANYWAY, the point is that we share our mutual misery for life and our heartbroken sorrows with one another. Last weekend however I was happily texting away and he told me he was with a girl. As in, he is seeing someone now. And that was the last I spoke to him. He has texted me since then, but I have just not replied. And the reason being, besides a bit of latent jealousy is that I am just not happy for him and I don't want to have to be forced to say the words 'I'm happy for you'. BECAUSE I'M NOT. I'm not happy for a friend who just had a baby (even though I hate babies GROSS), I'm not happy for my sister planning her wedding, I'm not happy for my couple friends and all their awesome christmasy bullshit. I'm just not happy. The only people that I am happy for are the friends that I have that have recently had their hearts broken. I want to talk to them. The rest can go get fucked as far as I'm concerned.
The bullshit thing of course is that we tell these lies all the time. Just because I don't speak to these people often, doesn't mean I don't fake happiness with regards to wedding planning - my sister and friend. I stay involved and I hate it. I want everyone to be as miserable as I am. I have a little notebook and since the split with my ex, I have filled it with letters to him. Things that I want to say to him, but I can't. And I tell myself that I hate him all the time. But sometimes I still miss him, he was my best friend. And last night was another letter to him telling him about this cat that I saw and how it reminded me of this one cat we saw with a friend that was like a ball of fur. ANYWAY. I can't exactly remember what the point of this post was, but it just does really suck that we are forced to constantly lie. CONSTANTLY for the sake of being proper. I'm not a happy person, I am jealous and envious and awful most of the time. And my reaction to the lies in my life was to move across the world. Oh ja, p.s. any australians wanna marry me for a passport?
In other news, today is the fruit fast, will update later to let you know how this goes :) But so far, so good. And I'll reveal my weight tomorrow, but I think it's looking good. NOT great. But better.
Love & Lies
Xo Xo
5 comments:
I totally agree.
I wouldn't say I'm an unhappy person...I just wouldn't say I was a happy one either! And I find that I get envious of the smallest things, like someone starting a new relationship and have boyfriend - but I get envious!
I think somewhere along the lines I just mastered the art to be a pretty deceitful bitch when the time requires!
I can totally relate, I moved across the country from North America to Italy for a year because I was so unhappy and couldn't live with my family any longer. It took me a long time to determine if I was running away from something or running to something, and if that even mattered because I was still running... Forgiveness is hard, especially forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to feel the way you do. You're at war with yourself because you're telling yourself you should be happy but you're not and everyone around you is happy but you still aren't. It's in trying to be something you're not that we find unhappiness. You're allowed to be upset and angry and to miss your ex sometimes. That's why you've got a blog here to share all you darkest most thoughts and get support from people like us who love to listen! :)
Try not to be so hard on yourself. I know the lying can be tough and sometimes it will make you feel like you're head wants to pop right off... And I'm not saying that you should bottle you're feelings or not express how you are doing to the people you love, but do so if you think it will help you, and not because you want to hurt them and take away their happiness. You'll only hate yourself if you do that.
Can't wait to hear about how well you're weight loss is going! Keep it up girl!!
love always,
xoxo
I feel like I could have written this. In the past year pretty much all my friends have gotten married and started having babies. I know they all look at me with a twinge of pity. All along I've had to be by their side for baby showers, bridal showers, weddings. I've spent my hard earned money on all their gifts and on ugly dresses for their weddings....it's enough to make anyone bitter. Not only do I have to fake the happiness for this crap, but then I'm forced to answer their questions about "Am I seeing anyone yet??" and then followed with the sympathetic smiles when I answer "No" ..... So at least you're not alone in that sentiment.
We do all lie, it is weird! I relate to what you said about being happy for newlyweds and babies...it's hard to feel genuine happiness for something like that because I'm not experiencing it directly. And yet I'll lie through my teeth to their faces...ahh well, such is life. It's the little things we do that make up the days.
Good luck on the fruit fast!
I feel very ugly for feeling envious and jealous of others. I try to keep a lid on it because it makes me feel bad but it's there.
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