Anyone keen on a fast?

So, we are all fat after Christmas... that much is given. I started a fast yesterday at 6pm. Although, it is a tea/coffee/diet coke fast, so there will be a few calories. But no milk. Basically, black coffee, peppermint tea, green tea, lemon ginger tea and diet soda. I plan to keep it going until the 1st. Excluding the alcohol that I know will happen on NYE. But probably only like one glass of wine, because after three days of fasting, you know it is going to get messy really quickly. Anyone keen to join? Remember ladies, that you don't have to wait till morning to start a fast, the minute you finished eating your last meal, your fast begins. Lets do this. 6lbs by the 1st?

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Mini Victories

Whilst I have nothing to report really on anything, except that my eating today was pretty awful... about 1400 cals. DISGUSTING PIGGY. (But better than... like. 5000). I had a little breakthrough today. I sometimes think about my ex... Like. Dream about him. Day dream about him almost. Like the things I'd say to him if I saw him again. And one of my greatest fears has always been that I'd melt. Just like, you're so lovely, I missed you so much KISSSSSSSSSSSSSS MEEEEEee. You know, like totally wuss out? I don't think about him often, but sometimes I kinda feel a bit blue or remember something awesome that we did together and then I'll revert back to those thoughts. Today was one of those days and today was also the day I was sitting thinking and kinda going... There is no way that this ends well for you Piggy. No way. Too much time has passed. He has been too cruel, there is NO chance of ever forgiving or forgetting the awful things he said and did. So, I was like. Mmm, that's a good point. And then, this is where the breakthrough happened. I started day dreaming about something else. And not because I wasn't thinking about him. But just because I realised how absolutely pointless it was. I know I still talk about this a fair amount. But I must just say, that it isn't as pathetic as it sounds, I mean. I don't sit and day dream about him. I just kinda feel like I wish someone had told me how awful it is to get your heart stomped on and squished into a million tiny pieces. And with me being as suicidal and depressed and just... generally unhappy as a person, I hope maybe someday someone will read this and realise that there is hope for the broken hearts club. I never thought I'd get over it and quite frankly, considering that a year ago I tried to kill myself over this guy, if I can get over it. Anyone can. They said that one day I'd wake up and the clouds would be gone and the sun would be shining and you know? The clouds aren't gone, but at least it isn't pouring with rain anymore. I would never wish this on anyone, except my ex. I still wish nasty violent things on him. Although I'd settle from him stepping in a pothole and breaking his leg... Yeah. Although. That doesn't seem quite harsh enough. I know this is going to sound a little bit weird, but I wonder sometimes if maybe I am psycho enough to actually be one of those females that snaps and kills someone. Because sometimes I feel like I could be. Okay, I can't even kill a fly because I feel too guilty about it. But I do sometimes wish I was a vampire so I could go kill him and everyone he ever loved. My mother said to me a week or two ago that I'm not a mean person. And I know I'm not, but I just wish I could revenge hurt people sometimes. I think its because I consider myself to be SO super emotionally sensitive to everything that I don't think I could ever hurt someone the way they hurt me... or that they could never experience pain the way I felt it. And its just not fair. Maybe I am psycho. A total bunny boiler. (But I couldn't even do that, since again. I feel too guilty *sigh*)

Peace & Hugs
Xo Xo

What is it about December?

There seems to be something about this month that gets me in a little hobbit hole of my own... Not willing to post too much. Maybe it's because I don't really have all that much to say... Or it could just be that this is the time of year where I feel people are forcing themselves on me. I don't do Christmas... I mean. In theory I don't have a problem with it, but I feel very resistant to it, because there is an obligation to do things which is fake. My family wants to try and be happy christmas perfect family at this time of year. It is false. It is awful. I don't want to participate. In a lot of ways, I suppose that the older I am getting the more I am truly realizing that there is some serious fucked up shit that is going on in my head about my life. And the way that I think about or interact with the world... Not least of which the ED stuff which I talk about here, but other things as well. Such as my aversion to the holidays. I don't know... I wish sometimes that things that are easy for everyone else, like having stable relationships with people, would be easy for me too. WHY ARE THINGS SO FUCKING HARD ALL THE TIME. Anyway, so apologies for not posting for absolute ages, but thanks for your patience and continued support.

I am enormous.. and my scale got broken when I drunkenly fell on it a week ago, so there is no way of measuring how enormous I actually am. At the moment, what I need to do is get myself down a little bit before I shock myself stupid on just how fat I have become. Obviously, it is christmas in three days which means epic amounts of food. *sigh* I won't indulge. I am trying to behave. I feel optimistic about 2013. I mean 2012 has been such an epicly shit year, 2013 can only get better. Once I am beautiful and thin again, life will go back to being easy peasy lemon squeezy. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I may have some more soup later depending on how I'm feeling, so today is okay. I just need to learn self-control again. COME ON COCO SHOW YOUR FACE!! My goal for 2013 is to believe in myself more. Trust myself. I can do this. Not just my weight, just everything about my life. I am not useless, I am not useless, I am not useless and I can be happy.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

zZzZzZzZzZ

Holy fuck balls crap, I'm so tired. I can't even. Compose this properly. Thanks for all the feedback firstly on the new diet ideas. I actually think its so cool how we roll in cycles and at the moment it seems like people are get realistic about their calories and intake. Second thing I need to say is a thank you to Lovelylou for the protein advice. I have been trying to increase my protein in my diet, although I find it really hard. I'm not really into protein, but I will get some yoghurt in my diet... I really hate eggs though. Turkey. Yes, turkey. Lalala, I'm sure I was saying something.

I had yoga again today and it was boss. My arms are like useless little chicken wings, I swear. I am so weak. In the new year, I am going to get into indoor climbing as well, apparently this is very complimentary with yoga. but yes, yoga today was hectic. We did a few more balance poses which was great, my hamstrings are just not flexible though. So hopefully, if I can keep the practice up for a couple of months, I'll be able to sort that shit out. I actually started to get into the meditation side of it today, which is a first for me... I think I may want to explore. Another thing I also noticed what that the position of your hands during certain poses either grounds you (palms down) or attracts more energy (palms up). By instinct, I always go for more energy, because i always think that I want to attract more good energy, but after yoga today I felt really irritable... so in my yogi experiment, I am going to try and ground myself more during practice, instead of attracting more energy. Does any of this make sense?

Today, I've had 820ish calories. SO SO much, but hell. Its controlled and today is day 4 with no binges and I'm still feeling good. zZzZzZzZzz. Which consisted of a landslide of low cal hot chocolate, rice cakes and a lamb dish for dinner. So much food. I'm really not okay with eating this much. I feel like its just... millions, but I suppose if I'm not binging its okay. I'm sorry this post is so badly constructed. fuck my brain is turning off... no more caps, no more punctuation... just zZzzZzZzZzZzzz

Love & Winks
Xo Xo

Like Rubber

Omgosh guys, I'm so mutha fucken stiff its insaneballs. I went to a yoga class yesterday for the first time in like... two or three years. And let me tell you, it was also the most awesome yoga class I've been to in the whole time I've been doing yoga. It was challenging. The one I went to before was very standard because it was a big class at a gym. This one is private and we actually did a bunch of really cool poses that are challenging and awesome. Bottomline, it made me feel fucking great. Just insanely great. I'm going again tomorrow morning and would like to try stick to these two classes a week. Also, I'd like to try and practice by myself at home on the weekend, maybe just once so that I can increase my flexibility. Because although I am still pretty limber all things considered, my hamstrings are crazy tight. Anyway, the point is that I am stiff as fuck today. And it feels good. So hopefully, tomorrow will be a similar ass kicking.

Today I weighed myself and considering how much of a pig I am, I'm still 62kgs. Which is about two less than I thought I would be. Today, I've had about 830 calories, which isn't great. But considering that I'm doing my back to basics, consistency rather than a few good days challenge, I think its okay. I am hoping to be back down to 55 in no time. Fuck yeah. Anyway, it consisted of three cups of hot chocolate (yes I know, but it was light and I needed it), 6 rice cakes and low cal, fat free chicken chow mein for dinner. And an apple. Wow, that actually looks like a normalish diet doesn't it? I'm okay with it being that high. And with this whole back to basics thing, I want to try and keep it under 900 as a rule. So I'm not going to freak out too bad. I think the aim should be between 500 and 900. I feel like such a huge fat piggy for writing that number 900!? Are you kidding. BUT okay. Here is Coco logic. We've tried to stay below 500 and it doesn't work for longer than 3 or 4 days at a time maximum. So if eating slightly more per day will stave off those binges, then it should be okay. I think this week, I will aim for the 800s. Next week, aim for the 700s. The week after 600s. You get the idea. So far, I've had three days of 600, 700 and 800 respectively, so I think that actually this is okay. Also, allowing myself to have pasta meals, like a proper meal for dinner has also been really good and promising.

Anyway, I could ramble on forever about nothing. Wow. I'm absolutely exhausted. As I always am. I have work to do, but I'm too tired now, so I'm going to go to sleep and wake up early and get on work then. I hate trying to push out work when I'm tired. Not least of which because I am recommitting myself to doing work properly and not half-arsing it like I have been recently. Got this in the bag.

Love & Light
Xo Xo

Hard Truths: Back to Basics

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently about why it is that I am slipping and sliding so far backwards. After all the progress I made over a year, I've almost totally undone it. Well, not totally. But badly enough that I feel like a failure. I think however, I have come to the realisation that I'm doing it all wrong. My current dilemma is that I am too far gone to expect to have a couple days of fasting and then I'll be where I want to be. I need to reset my mind to realise that where I am now is about treating my weight as actual loss. I.e. I need to go back to what worked for me in the past to get back down to my 55 that I was four months ago. It is a very horrible and hard truth to have to admit to yourself that you have fucked up so badly that you just aren't skinny anymore. So well. The time has come. Revisiting this, I am determined to get my weight back down the way that I did before and this is how I did it. I ate, three times a day. I didn't try to fast every day or make everyday a juice or fruit fast. I just made sure that I counted calories religiously. And that's what I need to do. I also didn't stick to fruits or soups exclusively, I had variety in my diet. I remember being a lot better about it and I didn't only eat diet food.

Yesterday, in the spirit of this new acceptance, I had spaghetti bolognaise for dinner, which was a store bought meal for one, because I'm sad and pathetic that way. And it was 550 cals for the dinner. Which was all i ate yesterday, except for two cups of tea. So the total was about 600 for the day. Today, I am going to have a stirfry thingy for dinner which is 350 calories and then I'm going to allow myself to have something else. I was thinking maybe some fruit, maybe some mango, to punch it up to 600/700 for the day. My logic is, and was back then, that it needs to be slow and sustainable so that I don't end up putting on weight. I can totally do this. I used to eat a lot of canned soup too, but I'm not sure I want to go back to that. Anyway, I'll see how it goes. But at the moment, I can do this. I have to do this or else none of my clothes are going to fit.

In other news, I managed to get a start on my laundry yesterday. Number 1 of 3, although I think I may try and take it all to the laundry today so I don't have to do anymore tomorrow. This is phase one of my get ready for visitors plan. So laundry done. Then I need to clean, which I will do on Friday or Saturday. Tonight (and I'm so excited about this) I've got yoga. Which is rad, because its close by. I'm thinking of jogging there and back, because its only two miles, so not exactly far. I just don't want to arrive at the class all sweaty, so I may have to stop a little bit before I get there to give myself time to desweat. I'm almost on top of all of my work, but I need to redo my hair... which SUCKS, because my scalp is so dry. SO SO dry. and I doubt a whole ton of bleach is going to do it any good. Fucking hell. Being blonde is a lot of hard work. I think I can probably get away with it till January, but do I really want to be all roots in my holiday pictures, since I'll already be fucking fat. Fuck sakes. ANYWAY.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

It's Okay

Ladies, d'awww. I can't tell you how much it means to me that you are all so concerned about me, perhaps my last post was a bit... vague. What I was actually referring to is this overwhelming feeling that I got yesterday morning that something awful was going to happen. The only other times I got that feeling were when I tried to kill myself. That feeling that you are one lazy footprint away from throwing yourself in front of a bus... or downing a bottle of pills. And as a matter of fact, I was quite close to this yesterday. Thank god for two things though. The first is obviously everyone on this blog. Not only did I get a bunch of comments on the post, but I also got a bunch of emails. Asking if I was okay, etc. And also, thank god for my sister. Her and I don't speak that often because we are both getting on with our own lives, which are obviously very different, but yesterday for some reason, she was very bored at work and we chatted the whole day. I sort of took the combination of these two things as a sign from the universe that I needed to man the fuck up and stop feeling sorry for myself. So thank you. Thank you to everyone. Sometimes you feel yourself falling towards the bottom of a very dark and lonely pit. In times like that it is nice to know that there are a few people at the bottom of that hole willing to let you bounce off of them. So thanks. Everyone. It means the world to me. And now I'm going to get drunk. So be expecting loads of self-deprecating posting later :). Cuz that's how we roll. I promise, I won't hurt myself again. :)

Love & MORE LOVE
Xo Xo

Today...

I think I may die today... I have this feeling. That today, is the day.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

JESUS CUNTING MIGRAINE!

I have had this godawful migraine all fucking day. And its the kind of migraine that makes you sleep and sleep and sleep and then when you've slept for 16 hours straight, you just wanna sleep some more. Fuck sakes. Okay, so today is tuesday. GOD WHY DOES TIME GO SO QUICKLY! JESUS FUCK. Anyway, I'm about to have a diet pepsi and go back to sleep. I have so much work to do, I may just do a little bit of it before I go to sleep... And maybe wake up early to do some more. ANYWAY. I don't know. I just want my head to stop throbbing. It may be a number of things, such as the fact that I have had like NO water in the past week, living on a diet of caffeine cigarettes and white carbs (VOM), lack of carbs for the last two or three days, i've heard that you can get a ketosis headache. But fuck that man. I'm not eating carbs, I like caffeine and cigarettes. So fuck it. Fuck it in the ass!

Today I have had about... 480 calories which consisted on a litre of smoothie and two cups of coffee with milk. Today was meant to be a smoothie day and that it has been. Tomorrow may also be a smoothie day, although I suspect I may be craving solids again. I have never been good on liquid diets because I like to fucking chew man. ANYWAY, my test shoot has been moved till Friday, so I just have to manage not to binge by then. I've also decided that I'm in super money saver mode at the moment, so that maybe I can afford to go home in January, which may lead to me postponing the skiing with my parents, but then at least I can go to my friends wedding.

I've been dreaming about my ex quite a bit in the last few days, but not the usual hate filled dreams that I have had, the kind where I love him and we get back together and everything is just perfect again. Its very weird, because I am the kind of person that attaches weight to my dreams - NOT SAYING THAT I HAVE PSYCHICLY PREDICTED THAT WE ARE GETTING BACK TOGETHER - let me be clear on that. But rather that maybe my mind and heart are starting to let go of the anger. Even though I really don't want to let go of being so angry with him. I think if I let it go, then i will allow myself to be okay with him... and then what? I'm drawing a serious blank here. I don't want to be okay with him, I want to want to kill him. I hate him I hate him I hate him. But then, obviously there is something astray with my dreams. I will admit though, I still miss him every single day. MOVING ON SWIFTLY. My head hurts.

I must also state again. I am so deeply deeply thankful of everyone that comments on my blogs and sends me emails. I haven't replied to a bunch of them, but I will. I promise. (Again, I must state, I'm not proana - so please don't mail me asking for tips, because you ain't getting any from me.) I appreciate the love so much and the motivation that you guys bring. Its truly inspirational, even if I don't say so often... or reply to comments... or comment on other blogs. You all inspire me, to the max. And the funny thing that I am coming to realise is that the people I know through this blog are the strongest people I know. I know this sounds a bit... rude perhaps, strange maybe, but I think of myself and my problems... as really pathetic and weak. I think of myself as an overly emotional strange little girl that needs a serious attitude adjustment. But, a common thing in our lives (and here I start crying, such a baby Fat Piggy, I swear) is that we have generally been through quite a bit. Whether it is because of our EDs or our EDs are part of it, is like trying to figure out the chicken and the egg. I don't know. I know that most of the people here have gone through a lot. A lot more than the average joe. And you know what girls? We're okay... or at least, we will be okay. Because once you understand the strength that it takes to hate yourself, but keep going - I suppose you understand what strength and resolve are. :) So thank you. for that.

Love & Throbbing Eyeballs
Xo Xo

**EDIT: Please if I forget in the next few days, can someone remind me to have my rant about how disgusting I think Kim Kardashian is? I keep meaning to write about it, but I keep forgetting. Mostly, because it doesn't matter and I don't want to justify her pathetic existence with my ranting, BUT having watched the Kardashian reality shows - yes, okay I'm a reality TV whore - I love all the Kardashians except her pathetic, nasty, tasteless, styleless, FAT, disgusting self. FUCK YOU KIM KARDASHIAN! YOU REPRESENT THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR ON EARTH!!!**

Oh I'm just SO done.

I am just so over this constant cycle of binging and starving, and thinking about food, and wanting it, the guilt that comes from eating, the constant CONSTANT cycle of food thoughts. I am just SO fucking over it. I'm so tired. I was walking back from the station on Sunday night from a dinner with friends. We had a landslide of very sugary alcohol drinks, curry with rice and pancakes with chocolate. And mulled wine. You know how bad that stuff is. Fuck me. ANYWAY, so went to their place and ate so much. On the way home, waddling from my fatness, it occurred to me that between my busstop and my house, I knew every single place to buy food, every take away, every off license. And I knew when they closed. A small part of me was even saying, dude. It's 11.30 now, if you don't buy something now, you'll have to wait till tomorrow and then you will have fucked that day up too. I was like. MOTHER FUCKER. I am so tired of it. And it's not even a conscious thought process, its just what my brain thinks of. Like booting up a fucking computer, automatically goes to food and calories and weight. I postponed my shoot yet again due to my overwhelming fatness. Anyway, so I am going to stop binging. That's it. I'm over binging and its going to stop. At least in the way it currently is. No more goddamn binging. SO over it. Especially the attitude of 'oh I fucked up, I may as well eat Tesco'. FUCK THAT.

Yesterday, I had an okayish day. I had three diet cokes and turkey mince chilli. Which I made as low-cal as I could, but then ate the whole pot. Anyway, it turned out to be about 700 calories at the max, so that's also okay. Today, I am only have my juice smoothies, tea and coke light. The juice smoothie is Innocent and is mango, banana... something something. Anyway, my logic is that if I have juice fasts on this stuff a couple days a week, then it will give me loads of yummy minerals and vitamins. :) That's the idea ANYWAY. I literally have enough coke light to last me till the apocalypse... well. No, but I did buy a lot, so I will be okay for 'fullness' factor. You know?

Love & Juice
Xo Xo

beautiful...

I've been trying to compose a post like this for a while and for the moment it still seems to escape me. Basically what I've been trying to say is a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig thank you. To those that read and comment on this dribble. It means the world to me. I suppose it is great to have the friends from this blog, but also the random emails that it generates and the feedback from people. I've never counted myself as strong, but this blog makes me feel pretty supermanish sometimes. So thanks for that. Thank you for the nominations for the Liebster Award thing. When I can see straight again, I will do that post.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo