Black Tie Tuesday...

So tomorrow is my black tie event and I'm not going to lie, I look like an absolute HEIFER in my black dress. But I'm hoping that's just because of all the tea and tuna salad that I had for lunch. Today I've had about 800 cals which isn't bad. I'm too scared to weigh myself. Tomorrow though is a three course meal. I have decided that I'm not eating any carbs. No matter what the dinner is - no carbs, no cheese, no fat. So it shall be fabulous, but considering that the event is 235 pounds per ticket - I'm assuming that the food will be more protein heavy light and fabulous than heavy stodgy carb food. I need to try on my dress again tomorrow morning just to make sure that I can actually fit into it. I fit into it tonight, even though it was a bit snug. I still look like a heifer. I really want some laxies :( . NO PIGGY NO! I'm really hoping that my office cutie is going so that I can fllirt shamelessly with him... Here's to hoping. Also, today my boss told me that I am doing a really good job, because I am actually on schedule with my conference. Which apparently is not something that people do in their first cycle - so all in all things are going well. Except for the fact that I am a huge disgusting Piggy. Okay - but here is the plan - tomorrow - only tea and coffee all day. At the dinner. 2 glasses of white wine to make sure that I keep it classy, don't have a hangover and minimum calories. Also, no carbs or fat of any variety. So if it is on the plate don't eat it or take it off. None of that. I'm sure that I can do this. I've got such a long day tomorrow since I need to go in early and finish my document that I didn't get done today. So tomorrow I am going to be away from home for... 18 hours at least. And Wednesday, I've got a conference thing in the morning so that will be another really early day. Kicking ass and taking names. I want to try and fast on Wednesday. My goal for this week is to not do the Friday binge. And to succeed at the event tomorrow. Fuck dudes. Will post my weight tomorrow - I doubt it is going to be even under 65. I'm such a fat failure. *cry* 

Fat & Failure

Xo Xo

Burrrrrrrrn

Right, so as the weekend rolled around I thought that it was best to stay in and not drink. You know - responsible, but queue my apparent Friday ritual which is a binge. It was awful, but whatevs. I have a black tie thing on Tuesday for work which I'd like to look super fly for so I decided to only eat apples until then. But then on Saturday I went round to Monikas house and got absolutely horrendously fucking drunk and god. This is so embarassing. That guy from my birthday totally gave me bat. Told me that I couldn't 'stay the night' because he had started seeing a new girl. OMG. I could die. I'm never going back to her house ever again. EVER. Again. I'm so annoyed as well, because... I dunno. Even though I don't want him, what the fuck is wrong with me that he didn't want to date me? You know? Anyway, so then at midnight I decided to go home and I missed the last tube home and had to take the nightbus which took two hours. 

Today, I feel like ass. And it was the London marathon, so we went to watch because two of our friends ran in it. Dudes - I want to start training to do the marathon next year. I think I can do it - I mean - 26 miles? No big. Monika was also happily snapping away and I just know that I am going to look like a nasty whale in all the pics. Not least of which because I am a fat piggy and i was wearing a tank top - It isn't going to be pretty. 

I've decided that my current plan of just eating once a day is not working - so I need to change up my dinners a bit and not eat carbs for dinner. So I think what I'll do is chicken or tuna for dinner when I get home and fruit during the day. Hopefully that will be... ooooOO or soup. I could totally vibe some soup... mmm... I need to go get the stuff though, but carrying it home is always such a ballache. Why can't this be easy. GODDAMMIT! 

Peace & Fat

Xo Xo

Peanut Fucking Butter

So this morning I was still fat, even though I had about 800 calories yesterday. I can't seem to fucking understand what the fucking problem is and why I'm not losing weight. If anything I am gaining goddamn weight everyday. I've never been on a plateau like this in my life before. It really just doesn't make sense to me. I'm not binging I'm not fucking going apeshit, yet I'm still a hurtling ball of fat walking around looking like a hippo. WHY WHY WHY!? 

I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow and I can't wait to get some drugs. I'm going to make sure that I get some Ambien, because I still can't sleep properly and I'm tired of being sleepy, although I'd really like to trip out as well. I miss taking hallucinogenics... I think I need to find some illegal substances, I feel like I miss them so much sometimes. But proper narcotics, not just cabbage. Man, I miss it. Anyway, shut up Piggy - focus on getting thin, not getting high. GODDAMMIT! Fuck my fat life. I'm just doomed to be fat. That's what life is going to have in store for me, fat fat fat. I hate this shit. Where's Gremlin - I need to cuddle. 

Kittens & Mittens

Xo Xo

Prozac Nation

It is so difficult to sit in an office all day and watch everyone around me eat a hundred times in the space of eight hours and then look at me like a weirdo if I don't... I feel like - even though I don't want to go anywhere at lunch time, I feel like I may need to so that I can lie about eating. Welcome to the world of not being an anti-social recluse. On top of which, a new producer started and she sits at the desk next to me and she eats all day. And she's a tiny little french girl. Fuck. Her. For realsies. Anyhoo, the plan for this week is to not eat during the day and then have a small dinner in the evenings, which so far has been going really well. Let's hope for a sub-63 weight tomorrow - fingers crossed. I'm seeing my doctor on Thursday so I am going to get some more prozac for my anxiety - I'm starting to think that I haven't given myself enough credit for how I was going to cope with the new job, because all in all I've been doing fine. Well even. I'm more or less on top of my work - and I'm doing quite well at it too. I led my first conference meeting today and it went pretty well, with the editors and printers of the magazine. Basically, it's going really really well. I'm just always tired. Which is a problem. Now just to focus on fixing my disastrous personal life. Joe is a thing of the past... Although we still chat now and then. It's pretty much over with now. Anyway, sub-63 tomorrow. WE CAN DO THIS GUYS! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucktarded Weightery

So on Friday morning after a week of no binging I woke up at 63.5 which means that as predicted I had magically gained like 3lbs overnight. ANYWAY, so basically as a result is that I am still fat. Friday and Saturday ended up being huge binge days of atleast 2000 a piece and then I fasted from Saturday at about 6pm till today at 9pm. So a 51 hour fast. I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow morning I can be around 63 again. I broke the fast with some pasta. But to be fair it wasn't a lot and I worked 11 hours today. I'm quite exhausted, but going strong. My business cards got ordered today - and I know this really isn't a big deal, but in the world of grownupness, I'm feeling really important about my business cards. I've been putting in really long hours though so that I can try and make sure that I am on top of all my work. Which I mostly am, but I just need to transcribe my research calls, which takes for ever. In other news, my ex added me as a contact on skype... I'm not sure if it was a mistake or something. I kinda think that it is mostly quite hilarious that he thinks we can be friends. Like I'd ever be friends with him. The cool thing is that I don't even care anymore. I couldn't really be arsed either way. Sort of the way it started I suppose - because I unblocked him on my skype and then just removed him from my contacts. And then when I got home, I had a contact request? I damn nearly called him as well... you know when your computer freezes and you accidentally click. Yeah - that's what happened. What a loser. I've also decided that once I get paid and I'm all stable and shit, so next month. I am going to start taking blues guitar lessons. I mean - I was going to do hot yoga, but let's be honest. I hate exercise, so maybe guitar to start and maybe yoga - I'll get to that later. I can't wait to learn. I've always wanted to be able to play guitar and there is no reason why I can't. Even though I'm tired, fat and buggered - life is pretty alright at the moment. Let's hope for a good weigh in tomorrow morning.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucken Tired Yo

So this morning I weighed in at 62.5kg, so the number is gradually getting lower and lower, getting back to 55 is going to be epic. Anyway, so it's nice to actually be feeling smaller again. My brain is so fried, I don't really know how to write this post. ANYWAY, so keeping calm and carrying on. My new job is absolute epic. I've already identified the office bulimic. She isn't that skinny, but she eats like manicly and this morning she told me that she walked to work this morning which took her two hours. Normal people don't do things like that. She walked from Vauxhall to Hammersmith. Dudes - that is a long ass way. ANYWAY. So today I had a little too much fruit on top of a Starbucks skinny latte and dinner. So I'm at around 900 for the day. Hopefully I can still maintain tomorrow or even... a little less. I'm still aiming for 62.0kg by the end of the week, but even though I've been steadily losing and not binging (DAY 6 MUTHA FUCKER), we all know that sometimes it just doesn't fucking work that way. I've been having massive problems sleeping at the moment. So to try and help myself out here instead of trying to perform on four hours of sleep, I'm going to go back on prozac for anxiety which should help with sleeping in the long run, but sleeping pills in the meantime just to make sure that I can actually rest. Last night I went to sleep at 11.30 and then woke up at 4... And have been awake since. I've still got so much work to do for my writing job, two projects left - breathe breathe. So I think I'm going to go to sleep now and then wake up early tomorrow morning and finish some of it. Yeah. Bed time I think. Anyway, I've rambled enough for ages. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Skinnifisation

Dudes, two bits of new that ensure that I am quite literally the most stoked person on the planet right now. Firstly, I started my new job yesterday and it is amazing. Which obviously makes for one very, VERY happy Piggy. I know that it is going to be hectic amounts of hard work, but I'm so amped for it that I don't care. I went in yesterday and met everyone, and got my first brief. Which I start working on this morning. I'm so amped to get in there and do a really good job. So fuck yeah. The slight draw back of it is that I still have some research work to finish up with and I was so knackered yesterday when I got home that I did none of it. So now, I'm trying to finish this up before I go to work. ANYWAY. That being said. WHOOP!

Then the most exciting bit of news. I met my goal yesterday of 63.0kg on the dot and when I weighed in this morning I was 62.7kg. *HAPPY PENGUIN DANCE* I even did some yoga after I got up. And the plan is basically to have an orange and an apple for breakfast, which I will have at work. Then a tuna salad for lunch (150) and something for dinner. Yesterday I had about 550 for the day. But I also really need to reduce my salt intake, cuz the pasta I had was heaped full of it and we can't be retaining water now can we?

Also I'm on a Joe detox. I.e. I'm not going to talk to him anymore. This is ignorance central right here kids. I don't have time for less than lovely boys. It's time to find someone new and interesting. :)

Peace & Ambition

Xo Xo

COME ON FAT!

Yesterday I was doing so well. I had only had 500 cals for the day when I just broke down at about 1am and had two plums and two teaspoons of peanut butter. So I imagine that my intake yesterday was somewhere around 750. Now I mean, I'm not stupid, I know that 750 isn't dire or a binge, but I need to be 63.0kg by tomorrow morning and the less I ate yesterday obviously would have an impact on whether I meet that goal. Anyway, so this morning I was 63.3kg which is 0.3kg down from yesterday, so there is a slight chance that I will still make my goal. But fuck man. COME ON PIGGY! My legs are starting to look slimmer again, but I'm losing on my stomach yet. I've had an orange today and a bunch of coffee and tea. I've given up the honey in my coffee until I get back down to my GW1 of 58kg. I'm aiming for 1kg a week, so I should be there by the middle of May. It's all fine. Anyway, so my aim is to reach my UGW of 55kg (again) by the time Leeds Festival rolls around. I have a pair of high waisted denim shorts that I need to fit into. It's a size 8, but it's a tiny waist. Anyway, so I'm going to take a before pic of me in the shorts tomorrow morning and I'm gonna go from there. So today I'm going to have bombay potatoes for dinner which will be about another 350 cals and that's gonna be it for the day for a total of around 500 for the day. I've gotta do some work and make sure that I'm sleeping by midnight, because I need to get up early in the morning to go to the bank and then I start my new job tomorrow. Shitting bricks dudes. Shitting. Bricks.

I need to come up with a day eating plan for work because I don't want to get fatigued and have that affect my performance at work. I'm thinking that if I aim for about 800 a day, I won't be totally fucked and I can still lose. I'm thinking a banana or smoothie for breakfast (100), a tuna salad (tuna and lettuce ONLY) (150) and then soup or pasta for dinner (450). With 100 cals for milk in my coffee, I think I can totally do it. Mmm. I think that will keep me sustained. Maybe with some coke light as well, just to make sure I'm buzzed. SHITTING BRICKS!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

One Year

Today is exactly one year since I moved to London and I think it's fair to say that it has been a fucking rough, yet awesome year and it's only going to get better. Well I hope it's only going to get better. As of right now, I'm still fucking broke, but hey. What's new. Also, I'm stuck inside all fucking weekend. Because I have so much work to do. The agency that I work for is really busy at the moment, so instead of being able to gradually phase out my current work, I have to finish a million projects this weekend so that I can actually come home from work next weekend and not have to stay up till 2 in the morning working. Fuck. Balls. Anyway, I will get it done. I will get it done. I will get it done. I have to finish 2 things today, both of which are edits. And then three things tomorrow, but I can and I will. 

In other news, yesterday I had about 550 cals which was fine. I weighed myself this morning and I weighed 63.6, which it totally fine. I'm still optimistic that by Monday I will weigh 63 flat. 1kg a week is my current goal and it's going fine so far. Today, I've had an orange and then in about three hours I am going to have some roasted potatoes with ketchup. That's my current thing that I'm doing, so that I get the carbs that I crave and some vitamin C. And the total for that should be 500 for the day also. I usually slice the potatoes really thin so that they are like the size of fries. Makes me feel like I'm eating the junk food that I want, but without the deep fried oil and shit that goes with it. I've also got super low-cal mayo that is 10 cals per tablespoon, so I have some with it as well. All in all. It will be fine. Also. I quit smoking last night. So I'm almost a day with no cigarettes. I'm determined to kick this nasty habit. 

Love & Potatoes

Xo Xo

The Bright Side

I'm starting to feel a little bit more positive about life in general... partly because I'm on 63.9kg as of this morning, which I wasn't expecting, but then I have also been watching what I eat very closely. Which also led partly to a migraine that lasted all of yesterday and most of today. It felt as if there was brain worms boring into my eyeball. Fuck me sideways. It hurt like a whore. Anyway, so then I went for a walk and ate some pasta, and felt a lot better. So today I've had 650 cals and feeling pretty good about it. I also managed to sort my sleeping patterns out as a result of the migraine sleeping that happened. I'm also feeling slightly more enthusiastic about my life which is great. Unfortunately nothing to report. I'm hoping to be 63.5 tomorrow and a flat 63 by tomorrow morning. BOOM! I see people are doing to SGD at the moment. Stoked to give it a try. I don't have any eating dates in the next month that I can think of... So it may be there perfect time. Yeaaaah buddy! 

Love & Pasta

Xo Xo

Stressed. Just stressed.

Man, I'm so stressed. I feel completely overwhelmed by the amount of work that I know I am going to have to do by the end of this month and with the new job fast approaching, I just know that the next month is going to be the most challenging of my life so far. I'm so glad that I have this new job, as my old one is just absolutely killing me. I feel fat and useless, which is actually fine, because who knows if I'm going to be able to afford to eat for the next month. Fuck me dudes. I'm just flailing at the moment. I just want to go to sleep and wake up in a few months time when everything is fine. GOD how do normal people do this. It is definitely time to go back on the prozac. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Maybe I'm the fool?

I'm not really sure what's going on with me right now... I feel like there is a very large gap between my spinal cord and my brain... Like I'm floating above myself, watching myself make decisions, but not actually thinking that I have any part in it. Does that make sense? I've been so lazy and despondent about my work since I found out about my new job (which is as a conference producer), but my old work has been suffering... Like I just don't want anything to do with it. And as a result of having been such a lazy asshole about it, I'm going to pretty much have to work for the next 12 hours straight to try and catch up. This time in a week, I will have finished my first day at my new job. 

My weight is pretty much stable at about 64kgs. I'm not happy with it, but at least I'm not gaining. After the drinking at the start of the long weekend, I ate carbs and what not, that I wasn't meant to, but as of tomorrow I'm going back onto the paleo diet, under 1000 cals a day. I've had... 750 cals today so far. I'm not having anything else though for the day. My body is in such a weird place at the moment though... The birth control that I'm on is fucking around with me. I got my period today, but I also got it two weeks ago and then three weeks before that. I've never had such an irregular anything. Allegedly though, it takes a few months for your body to adapt to this pill. So I'm going to speak to my doctor about it when I see him next week. 

As regards to my last post... I realised yesterday that I may have totally overreacted to Joe. That he didn't know about my thing about being ignored. So when he messaged me to tell me that he had been an inconsiderate asshole. I kinda laid down the whole situation about how I absolutely will not be ignored. He still refuses to say he's jealous, but when I brought it up yesterday - he kept saying how angry he was about the whole situation. I'm going to speak to my shrink about it tomorrow and see what she says. I then need to tell him that we need to talk about it. If nothing else, he needs to tell me what made him angry, so we can avoid a similar situation in the future. I don't know what I'm doing here, but I know I need to stick to my guns. Respect. Is key. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo