Kakkamoose!

So this is the final product... 

It looks slightly different down, but this is how Karen, the stylist - styled it. LOVE! What dyou guys think? A friend said I was pulling off a Brienne... from Game of Thrones. Of course the dykey looking soldier woman would be my comparator - but I love Brienne, so not a single fuck it given. 

Today's intake was good - a banana for breakfast (80), two cups of coffee with honey (50), a salad for lunch (200ish?) and soup for dinner (260) - so total for today is 590. I think it's slightly more with milk from tea. I'll post my updated weight tomorrow - fingers crossed for 62's. 

Love & Pinkety Pink

Xo Xo

What's the update?

I have nothing major to report today - except that I can't wait for my hair to be finished tomorrow, I spent a shiton of money buying groceries today and then even more on ebay buying clothes - at least I know a size 8 (US 4) fits decently now. I've got my meals for the week planned out - so it should all be fine. After my carb binge yesterday - I'm not even going to tell you guys what my weight was this morning, because it was a scary mutha fucken number - But I am hoping that it is just food weight and that after a day or two it will return to normal. Today so far - I had two lighted breaded cod fillets (520 - I KNOW :( ) and I'm going to have a mango, because i've been craving mango - so my total for today will be around 700. Which isn't bad. I hope I'm looking skinny for tomorrow - I don't want to disappoint at this hair demo - I want to be as skinny looking as I possibly can be. I suppose that is all I really have to contribute today. I've decided that I'm not going to drink for a couple of months... After my amazingly disastrous hangover yesterday - my body obviously HATES liquor. So, it's time to give it up. Also found out that one of my friends has cancer. He is 27, but the prognosis is very good. It was still quite a shock. It makes me think about all the things I put my body through... Enough to stop this madness? Hardly. 

Love & MANGO! 

Xo Xo

I did it!

So, two things of significance happened in the last 24 hours. The first thing is that my hair is all gone. It isn't in the final style yet, but it is a longer version of that cut. Also - and this part makes me happy. It has a pink rinse over the blonde, which means YES my lovely piglets - I have pink hair. And you know - I think it looks pretty rocking. I feel special and lovely. So here is the pic :) Sorry about the shitty quality, I took it at the station as you can see right after it was done. After I get it done again on Tuesday - which is the final cut and a lot short on the back and sides, I'll post the final pic. I LOVE the pink. 

Anyway, the other thing is that I have broken 62's this morning. I was 62.9, but there is a slight back story to this - basically, I had very little to eat yesterday and then had a few glasses of wine and I threw up all of this morning. Then today I had a little carb binge - which I hate, because that means that all my progress is going to be fucked up, but I also don't feel too bad about it since I haven't actually binged in nearly two weeks. So it's not the worst thing in the world. The goal for this week was to be 63 flat. And I'll weigh in tomorrow morning to see the damage I've done. The goal for the end of next week is to enter the 61's. Things are looking up. Pink haired Piggy out :)

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Sometimes People Disappoint

Last night I stalked my office crush on facebook. This morning I felt so guilty about it... Like I was literally acting like a crazy stalker to the point that I couldn't talk to him. What I realised however is that he unfortunately falls into the same category as Joe. British and entitled. Also, his facebook seems to indicate that he is exceptionally pretentious. This of course is a massive disappointment. Basically, the bottom line now is that I'm so NOT crushing on him anymore. He is a pretentious twat. One such example from his facebook is his drop dead gorgeous girlfriend named Georgina. Beautiful name and guess what? She looks like a fucking super model. Just gorgeous and stylish. Fuck sakes. In addition to the predictably gorgeous girlfriend is the fact that he had an album which was called 'Black and White Film - Awesome as Fuck'. Yeah. You're not awesome. You're pretentious. Basically - this just says to me that he is so far up his own ass, he thinks his mouth is the sun. Anyway, I can't say that I'm upset about it. It just goes to show that sometimes people will disappoint you and it's good to have a sense of confidence about yourself to the extent that you can actually turn around and just be like - hey, you know what? You're not the kind of person that I want to be around. Life lessons. Let go or be dragged.

In other amazing news - I've only had about 600 cals again today. Which means that today is another successful day without a binge. I had half a banana for breakfast, a salad for lunch and chicken soup for dinner - obviously there was tea involved. And guess what? I haven't been hungry. I weighed in at 63.5 this morning. So we are going strong with the weight loss. I had totally foreseen a binge in my Friday night, but then I had my hair consultation. I'm not sure what it is about hair salons, but the stylists always make you feel ugly and fat. So true. SO true. So because I am the model for this thing on Tuesday and my hair is so long. Tomorrow I'm going in for the colour and a mini cut. Basically they are chopping off all my hair tomorrow in a short style, but not as short as it going to end up. And then on Tuesday, I go in for the actual model demo thing, where she will cut my hair in the short pixie cut thing. So I'll post a before and after tomorrow and then all three on Tuesday after the whole thing is done. But yeah. It's pretty cool. I just hope the hair cut I get tomorrow is nice-ish so that I don't have to walk around for like three days with a nob haircut. But it is with the Toni & Guy salon, so I'm sure it will be okay. They want to make my hair darker though - dirty blonde is the colour they said. I'm not overly keen on a darker blonde colour as I like my white blonde locks. But hey, I'm getting it done for free, so WHATEVS. Additionally, they are putting some violet in it too, which will only be semi-permanent and will wash out in a few washes, so it really isn't going to be reasonably awesome. I'm excited and nervous. GOODBYE long ugly hair. Hello fresh and cool. I showed my boss the picture today of what I want my hair to look like because we were having a convo about hair cuts - she also wants a new do. And she said that she isn't cool enough to pull off that hair. Does that mean that I'm cool? Or that I THINK I'm cool enough to pull it off... Either way, I don't care. I'm going to rock it. And I'm going to rock it hard. :D Wish me luck?

Violet & Blonde

Xo Xo

Remember, Remember

Part of this life is of course the constant preoccupation with food and my appearance. I mean - maybe having an ED is an extreme part of vanity... It does kind of seem that way. I can stare at myself in the mirror or my reflection in windows or WHEREVER for hours without getting bored. Looking to see if maybe I look at myself long enough, I'll look thinner. Today when I was on the train on the way home I remembered what it was like when my doctor told me that I was underweight and that I had an unhealthy BMI. God, that may be one of the best moments of my life. I can't wait to be there again. I CANNOT FUCKING WEIGHT. Also on the tube this evening there was yet another cow-mouth gum chewer. I got up to move to the end of the carriage. Fucking hell. I just don't get it. I often move to get away from people on the tube. Last night there was a fat man eating the hugest portion of chips I've ever seen. *rofl* Who am I kidding, I could probably eat three times as much on a binge - WHATEVER! Or if I see a couple that are gorgeous together, I move away to stop myself from being jealous of them. Sometimes I wonder if I would have any friends if they knew what went on in my head... it is a very hostile place. 

THAT ASIDE. Today has been alright for food. I am technically eight days along without a binge, even though I had a shiton of peanut butter - I haven't over eaten in terms of quantity for that long. I'm aiming for Tuesday. I.e. to make it through the weekend. Which is a bank holiday weekend. I weighed in at... WAIT FOR IT... 63.9kg this morning. That is a loss of 0.7kg over night. Thank fuck. Let's see what tomorrow brings. Today I had half a banana for breakfast and half a pear, the other half went into my lunch salad - which was my lunch obviously, for dinner I went a bit crazy with a whole carton of tomato soup (260), a hard boiled egg (60) and a teaspoon of peanut butter (100?) So today is around... 700 for the day? Which isn't bad. I've found that by pretty much only eating veggies and fruit with small amounts of protein, I am not too sleepy during the day. I'm going to keep going until I'm back at 55. Only 8.9kgs to go. Truth be told though, I would be happy to be at 58 again. I was at 58 for so long. I'm happy there. I feel skinny at that weight. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Food & Sleep

I WANT IT!! I'm so tired of having to obsessively control what I eat - would it be fucking lovely to not have to worry about all this shit and just eat and be fat like normal people? WOULDN'T IT BE MARVELOUS? Alas however, we are resigned to a life of restriction and bones - both of which I want more than anything. To not be controlled by the whims of my body. What does my body know about what makes my brain happy? I'll tell you what - nothing. My brain wants me to eat without thinking and to eat all the delicious, fatty, crispy, crunchy, deep-fried amazing amazingness - all refined carbs - all artificial flavour - all the time. *SIGH* Give me ribs any day. Both the kind you eat and the kind I am longing to see in the mirror every morning. 

Today has been a good day - I had half a banana for breakfast, countless cups of tea with milk, my lunch salad, a packet of pom-bears (which incidentally are my new favourite thing - I've always loved them, but now I have realised that they are only 94 cals per pack which is 2.5 times less than normal crisps) and a pear. My total for the day is around 500 and it feels great. This morning when I weighed in - despite my epic peanut butter disaster yesterday at 64.6kg which is 0.3 less than yesterday. Tomorrow I'm hoping that I will have lost, although my progress this week has been less than astounding. I think I may have found someone to cut my hair for free and colour it (which I don't need, but hell - I'm not saying no). The trade off is that I have to be a hair model for a seminar on cutting or something like that. I don't really know the details. I'm not really overly keen on the whole model idea, but since it has nothing to do with my body and everything to do with my hair, I'm keen and I don't care. I just want a really good and preferably free haircut. 

I must just say... about my last post about the fat chick with the bad hair on the tube. I actually didn't mind the way that she looked. Honestly I wouldn't have even noticed her - except for the gum chewing. I CANNOT STAND people that chew gum like fucking cows. Honestly, she really did look like a cow chewing the cud. Fucking gum chewers. And karma being the bitch that it is - for my little haterific rantfest yesterday - I stood in a nice fat wad of green gum on the way to my station which is still stuck to the bottom of my shoe. Karma is a fucking whore. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The 3 Worst Things in One Person

I swear to god I thought I was going to fucking explode on the tube ride home. WHAT THE FUCK WAS HER PROBLEM. She was short, fat, with curly mousey brown hair with a BAD fucking haircut, shitty clothes, old, FAT and the worst of it all. She was chewing fucking gum like a goddamn cow. I don't understand you old fat bitch why the fuck the rest of us have to look at the chewed up molasses rolling around in your wide open TRAP! Fuck sakes. I mean she looked like a fucking aged cast members mother from Jersey Shore although at least in that scenario she would have a better hair cut. You know when people with curly hair cut bangs? And because it is curly, it sticks out on the side. Ohhhhhh myyy god! I can't deal. FUCK YOU GUM CHEWING BAD HAIR DAY ON FEET! 

Anyway, that aside - today was not a great day for food - I got stuck into the peanut butter jar - in a big way. So I'm sure I had quite a lot of calories in peanut butter. Other than that, I had a bit of leftover vegetable curry for dinner, a super light salad for lunch, half a banana and some tea - so milk. I wish I hadn't gone into that peanut butter. Sammy, you know my pain. ANYWAY, so this morning I weighed in at 64.9 which is 0.1 higher than yesterday. So tomorrow, with my peanut butter binge, I'm hoping it will be lower than that, but realistically it will probably be higher. Although I did walk a shiton today and running for fucking trains up stairs, never get's old. JOKES! It totally does. 

And to respond to the comments from my last blog, I'll do a before and after with my hair. :)

Love & Peanut Butter

Xo Xo

The Agyness Revelation

I am completely fucking perplexed because I have absolutely no idea how many calories I've had today. Honestly, I wouldn't even know how to begin counting them because my calorie counter and how much I know was in each of what I ate are completely at odds with each other. It definitely is not over 1000 that's for sure. I had half a banana for breakfast (60), a salad for lunch - okay it was a big salad but it was all veggies with a third of a small can of tuna in it, I had an apple (60), a medium hardboiled egg (60), a ton of gherkins which apparently only has 15 cals in it per 100g and I had about... 200g of them lets say. Then for dinner I had a bunch of vegetable curry - so there has been absolutely no carbs other than the banana, but it just feels like I've had sooooo fucking much. I would guess I'm somewhere in the region of... 750 for the day? There is no way that the salad was more than 200 and dinner was literally all vegetables... so... Yep, I have no idea. Anyway, it's almost not important. This morning I weighed in at 64.8kg and today is my fifth day in a row without binging so I'm quite happy about that. I'm hoping to be 64.5 tomorrow, but I do have my period so who the fuck knows how that is going to turn out. I had a bit of a spell at work today where all of a sudden I felt like I was going to faint... not even faint, more like I was going to fall asleep on the spot. Like I was on drugs or something. It was so very strange. 

I have also decided that I'm going to cut my hair all off. In the same style as Agyness Deyn - we all know how much I love her, so I have another ten days before I'm going to have my hair cut. And for those who don't know - I've been growing my hair for about three years now. It is halfway down my back and really fucking long. I'm just really fucking sick of having long hair. I can't do anything with it - it just hangs there and trying to keep it in a reasonable condition just fucking kills me. It takes me twenty fucking minutes just to blow dry it. Seriously. Can't deal anymore. And I promised myself before that once I got down to 60kgs I'd cut all my hair off, which I chickened out of. So the time has come. I'm going to do it as soon as I get paid. Boo-fucking-yeah. 

In other news, my office hottie got the cutest hipster glasses. He is the sweetest thing. I don't know if he tries to talk to me, but he does seem to butt into conversations that I'm having with people - although I'm fairly certain that he actually doesn't and there is just a lot of wishful thinking going on, on my part. Don't screw around at work Piggy. Not that I'd ever have the opportunity to do so. ANYWAY. Wishful thinking - he is so fucking gorgeous. ANYWAY. 

It's a blonde revolution people - join us. :) 

Peace & Blondes

Xo Xo

Scratches be damned.

I suppose this weekend has been vaguely interesting. The sheer quantity of alcohol that I've had has meant that I haven't lost as much as I would have liked... but on the plus side. I haven't binged in three days, today will be my fourth. I've set myself little targets for not binging. So a binge is anything more than 800 cals per day and my goal was to not binge for 3 days. So technically, if today turns out as a binge it won't be the end of the world, but because I've drank so much that technically they are binges cuz the calories in booze you know - I'm going to try and make it another three days. So today until Tuesday. It's so fucking stupid the way that we make rules like this for ourselves. Like honest to god. I don't really understand how we justify certain things most of the time fuck me. Anyway, on Friday night though I was drunk at home and feeling sad about something indecipherable to me right now - although I'm sure it was a legitimate thing at the time. So I scratched my arms... I was so angry that I didn't even get a chance to get a knife. Now my arm looks like I've been attacked by a fucking puma. Honestly, Piggy. When will this stop? There is also no way of explaining the scratches, because they are all around my arm. Fuck sakes, so now I have to attempt to cover my arms for work so that no one sees my fuckedupness spilling over. Also, don't worry about my purging on Friday. Firstly, I didn't eat a lot so it wasn't really that much to bring up again. Secondly, I was just in a hating kind of mood. You guys know how I feel about purging... I really don't like it. And I only ever purge when I feel like I want to peel my own skin off - self-loathing. You know the drill. Anyway, so don't worry, it won't become a habit. Like the cutting, scratching whatever - purging just... happens sometimes. When you don't know what else to do. I still hate it though. 

In other news, I went to a braai yesterday (BBQ for the non-South Africans) and I met this really cute guy, but fuck me sideways and call me Charlie, he is studying to be an operational procedure... something. Basically, a step down from a doctor. They help out in surgery. And even though he was cute as a button and totally single - he just yacked on about all this medical stuff for ages. Now look - don't get me wrong - there is nothing sexier than a cute boy and at one point I actually thought - hey not only a jock - because we started on about politics. But he kept talking about things medically related that obviously, us non-meds would know nothing about - almost like he was trying to prove how awesome he is. I don't go to parties and start talking in legal jargon - no one gets it - or start talking about the mechanics of a wind turbine. Fucking hell. Anyway, I think he was quite... Whatever though. No point in really even talking about it. Also, remember that guy that I met about six months ago that I found on fb and then asked out.. Then he turned me down basically. He was there. It was so awkward, especially because when he saw me he did a total rubber-neck to see me. Which i pretended not to see. Even though the med guy was a total cop out. He was still easily the hottest guy at the party and fuck be damned, he was bee-lining me, so Andy - eat your heart out. I think he may have had a girlfriend there though - but if I'm right about this, she was short and mousey looking. So, I don't feel bad about it. Fucking losers. You know - the weird thing is that the people at the braai are the cool kids in highschool. I was never one of them, I still don't get along with them really. I feel like I always want to talk about interesting subjects, but they want to talk about beer pong and failed relationships. I tend to steer away from those. Anyway, it's nice however to be able to say at the end of the day - I'm still fucking better than you. I'm taller. I'm thinner. I'm blonder. I'm prettier and I have a way better job. So fuck them. Wow, this has turned into quite a rant hasn't it? Sozzles. 

Love & Scratch

Xo Xo

I ate...

And then I purged hashtag bulimiagirlproblems.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

The ABCs of Blogging

So I know this is totally against the whole theme of the blog, but I do get asked this fairly often so here goes. The purpose of this post is to give newbie bloggers a little advice on how to start out on their own blogs. How I did, my opinion basically. Let me of course preface this by saying that I am by no means an expert - so this is literally just my experience. Use it, don't use it. Most recently, Anna Stone asked me for advice as a new blogger - so this is what I told her.

To start off with - design and layout is pretty important. I must say that one of the key things that I found when reading other blogs was that I stopped reading those that were visually difficult to read. By that I mean that there was a picture as a background that was static, i.e. it didn't move. So when you scroll down, the picture stays the same but the text scrolls. This is quite confusing to the eye. Also, having small text in light colours against a dark background - this makes it quite difficult to read... although in saying that. Things like having white text, even if it is bold and in a large font size - the light colour is just way difficult to read against a dark background. You get my jist - when you look at the page - I think it's quite important to be able to read it easily without having to pay too much attention to it and without getting distracted by all kinds of things.

The next thing I would say is that you need to have a point of view - an opinion - something to say basically. I don't really think that this is something that is hard. The whole point about blogs is about getting personal, so it's not about needing to find a particularly strong subject to talk about. Just write. So many bloggers fail because they think that because their blog is targetted towards - say the ED community - that they can only talk about that. NO. Talk about whatever you want. The most important thing is consistency. Even if you don't have much to say. I find that often I'll start writing without anything to say, but it ends up being a long post about dribble. But hey - you are firstly showing your followers that they can come to your blog for an update and also teaching yourself that blogging is a habit to get into. You will surprise yourself with just how easy it is. I promise.

The most prominent question I get is about how to get more followers. This is tricky and it takes a bit of time and determination. The way that I got people to find out about my blog in the beginning was to find a bunch of similar blogs. And literally, it took sometime of hardcore trolling to find these. But generally if you find one blog - you'll find a lot more. Look at the people that comment on the blog, what blogs that blogger follows - which you find by looking at their google profile - and go from there. The next step is to comment on these posts. This serves a number of purposes. The first thing it does is that it lets people know you exist. In the beginning I used to look at the profile of every person that commented on my posts - mostly because I was so damn excited that there were people out there that gave a shit about what I had to say. It also helps because the person on whose blog you commented will get to know you and if they like your blog they will add you to a blogroll if they have one. Winter's blog is an example of one with a blog roll. As your blog gets more followers this process happens on it's own. Sadly, I don't find that I have the time to keep up with my reading list and comment as much as I used to. But I still read them mostly :). People will like you for different reasons. Some of the blogs I love are simply because they are outrageous. Or because I've built a relationship with that blogger over the past two years, such as Sam Lupin (WHOM I LOVE MORE THAN ANY OTHER) and Judith Marie, Miranda, Emily Anonymous, Beth, Yours, Little Miss Thin, Rio and PrettyLies. Beth was my very first follower... I'll never forget it :). In the beginning it is a bit harder because you do kinda feel like you are sending shit in the blogasphere and no one is listening, but there are so many blogs out there - you have to do something to let people know that you exist. Don't be scared to comment. To this day - I still get so excited when I get comments on my posts. :)

The last piece of advice that I can give is ... a bit of an obscure one because it has to do with content... Some blogs work in ways that other blogs don't. People who read regularly will see that I have a general trend with the way that I post... the Peace & Love Xo Xo business for example. Or some blogs are like... two lines. Like Charlies blog. She never posts long posts, but people read it - I read it all the time and I look forward to her posts. So figure out what works for you and stick to it. This won't happen immediately, but it will come to you eventually. I also don't refer back to comments in my blog - although I know that I should, but i could spend hours and hours replying to comments - Brevity is not a skill that I possess. Usually, if something grabs me in a comment then I will write a post on it. Also, be prepared for flack. There are shiton of haters out there as Judith Marie can attest to and if you write about EDs they will tell you how disgusting you are etc etc. If you don't want this - which I don't then change your settings so that only registered users can comment. I used to get really pissed of with anonymous users being assholes so I changed those settings. People also won't always agree with you - so if you can't take honest opinions - maybe blogging isn't the best thing for you. What I can guarantee though is that for every shitty comment you get - you will get a hundred that are lovely and supportive.

So I hope that this is in someway helpful to someone out there. As I said, this is simply my opinion on blogging and what I've learnt over the last two years. Don't be scared to express yourself and if you don't want people you know to read it - don't fucking tell them about it. At the end of the day, if you commit to blogging once every two or three days your blog will be a success. It takes a while to get there, but it will happen eventually. And as always, thank you again to all my lovely followers and the special ones in particular, a few of which I mentioned in this post. Your continued love and support has been absolutely fantastic and I'll never stop appreciating just how amazing you are.

Love & Speedy Fingers
Xo Xo

Let go or be dragged.

Well this weekend, my friend Eddie was back in London so it was a festival of eating and drinking - beer. Yes, that's right. This fat disgusting piggy drank beer. I won't even lie - it was absolutely amazefest. It was honestly the first time in my life that I've ever enjoyed drinking beer, but I fucking did. I just don't know how - for example - Roy used to drink about four beers every day and not get fat. Fucking hell. ANYWAY. So yesterday, I had about 600 cals and then today I've had about the same. Which consisted of a tuna salad for lunch, a hardboiled egg and some soup. Also, milk. The milk in my tea and coffee is fucking killing me. It's all full-fat or 2% which just won't do. But it is the milk that they have at work and even though it sounds like a huge excuse, there is no space in the work fridge for more stuff so I can't even take my own in. I've been trying to have like... half the amount in my tea just to try and mitigate all the fatty lactosey calories in the milk. But fuck. Anyway, so tomorrow I'm going to weigh in. Fuck - I really hope it isn't terrible. 

In life news - I found out the gingers name. It is Pierre. But I've since discovered that the other cute boy with the amazing lips from the awards the other day is actually really hot and a nice guy. We were at an event this morning and he's just so lovely. Pretty sure he has a girlfriend - secondly, thou shalt not fuck around at work - thirdly, I'm fairly certain that I obnoxiously talk way too much - so that is fucked in the ass. I'm an annoying person. It's my curse. I'm trying to be more positive about things in general so that I don't come across as a bitch. I want to be a nice person. So I'm letting go of the judgmental bitchiness and going to be more positive. I want to be thought of as a nice person that people want to be around. Monika said to me last weekend that I have a way of making people feel special. I want to be able to be like that all the time. Be a positive influence on peoples lives, you know? As for the title of the post - it is a zen proverb - and I've got it as my status on BBM so whenever I communicate with people I can be reminded of it. I just think of my ex, Lilypad, Cape Town, my family. I've been dragged for way too long and the bottom line is that unfortunately I can't force anyone to do the things the way I want them to be done or what I want to be done. And if I can't learn to let go, I will be dragged through thorns and mud. I don't want that for myself anymore. Queue POSITIVE-ness!

Love & Optimism

Xo Xo

Is this how it was?

I don't how many of you that read this dribble have gone through what I'm currently and have been going through for the last six months, which is reaching the UGW and then piling the weight back on like a fat piggy trying to lose it again at every turn. But this is what has happened to me. Now I've had some minimal success, but nothing major - nothing close to getting back to where I was six months ago. Anyway, my point is that sometimes I find it hard to remember all the work and dedication that went into losing it in the first place. I mean - as far as I remember, I lost it reasonably quickly. Well... never quickly fucking enough - but faster than now - which has been a long and arduous process. Anyway, but it just seems like it's never going to happen. But I've still got my goal of those shorts before Leeds festival which is... Three months and a half months away. I know I can do it by then. Yesterday was good but not great. I did end up binging on fruits. So cals were probably quite high, but I stuck to the no carb/fats rule. Today has been better. I had a banana for breakfast, a tall skinny latte from starbucks. A salad for lunch, an orange and a soup for dinner. All in all today - even though that sounds like a shiton of food - it was only about 700 calories. Which is great. Yesterday when I weighed in I was at 55.3. I forgot to weigh this morning. I am hoping for 55 flat tomorrow. Which means - with some dedication - I can be 54 by Monday. Fuck yeah. 

I still haven't found out Ginger's name yet. Although, he shaved off his beard and cut his hair. He doesn't look cute anymore. So I'm mostly not interested. Thanks for all the comments from you guys, especially the forever loyals, You know who you are and I love you forever. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Finally - A WIN!

I suppose this weekend has ended up being the tiniest bit of a bust... I mean - I haven't really done anything of significance really. Yesterday, I went to a friends house and we sat in the sun, had a few drinks and way too much food. So basically, the first day of my 500 cal vibes failed miserably. I made sure that today went better. I have had a bowl of low-cal stew and some tzatziki with tomato - so I'm guestimating about 400 cals max for the day. I've bought and made my lunch for tomorrow and dinner for tomorrow So today was good, tomorrow will be better. My goal for the week is to reach 65 by the end of the week. Today I was just under 66, so it should be doable. I can't believe I'm so high again. I can do this. I need to get skinny before I can cut my hair. When I reach 60 flat - I'm going to cut all my hair off. My hair is pretty long at the moment... Like by my nipples kind of long. I want to go Rhianna. Like short on the sides and long in front. The other goal for the week of course is to find out Ginger's name. The guy from my office. I have one week to get skinny before the pub quiz. Hopefully, with 500 cal a day diet - I'll be able to get a little bit thinner than 65 only. God, okay so not really much to contribute. Oh, Mikhaila and Arbie broke up. Sad, sad panda. He broke up with her over the phone after 2 years of dating. What a cunt.

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Days of Our Drama

Last night I spent the evening... 4 hours of it. On skype with my sister drinking wine and ended up getting absolutely fucking shitfaced with her on skype. It was absolutely lovely. Then out of the blue - I went to a place that I haven't been in quite some time now... I was sad and lonely drinking, crying about missing Roy. No jokes kids. I was crying like I used to six months ago. About Roy. I've been thinking about it all day today about why I went to that place again... and I can't really figure out why. I think it may have something to do with the fact that I am lonely and do want to date again - but who, how and where. Kinda vibes. I wouldn't even know how to approach something like that. Basically, I just need to be patient. I'm not a bad person. My goal for this week is to not say negative things. No more negativity. An aside, my best friend got broken up with her by her boyfriend of two years - about two hours ago. Wait for it... OVER THE PHONE! Fuck sakes. He is such an ass. Incidentally, I dated the same guy like two years before they started dating for like... a month. And he broke up with me via text. Although, I had engineered it that way - so not really analogous. Basically, I had told him that I was meeting him at 11pm or whatever it was. After sending him a message saying "we need to talk" and then I just didn't show up. My strategy back in those days was basically to piss the guy off as much as humanly possible to get him to break up with me... So... it worked. Not proud. I swear, not proud. OKAY, maybe a little bit proud. 

Anyway, so today I had lunch with that Polish guy that I was dating last year - Tomasz. We had the longest lunch in the world. Really. Like five hours of lunching. And we just chatted and caught up, since I haven't seen him since last year... October-ish? Which was a total disaster. I think I thought for those five hours today that maybe I had made a mistake by not pursuing things with him. But as it turned out, I fucking didn't. I mean - he is great because I can talk about myself non-stop and he doesn't mind. Also, he is quite hot. Butttttt, I dunno. There is very little fire there. No spark. Fuck that. Anyway, it was really nice to catch up with him. 

Right - I've also realised that drastic measures are needed to get my fucking weight under control. I'm fucking disgusting. So as of tomorrow. I am on a 500 cal per day diet again. I can't be lenient with myself anymore and allow a fat piggy 800 cals a day. It just isn't working. So, luckily - there is this new "mainstream" diet called the 5:2 diet where you eat normally for 5 days and then have two days a week of 500 cals. So there are loads of meal plans. So that's what I'm going to do. Here is one of the meal plans. Anyway, so that's the plan. I will give a full update on what works and what doesn't work. Let's call this my diarised 500 cal experiment. I mean. Fuck it - so many people ask me how to do it. And even though I refuse to give ana advice. I'll keep you all posted. Cuz the problem is that I can't be exhausted at work all day. It just doesn't work for me. I've got to be sharp and perform. So I need to do that. I also need to be better about cooking for myself instead of eating crisps all the time. DUDEs. Feeling all inspired and shit over here. Let me know what you think. Also, look. I know this is a crazy idea - but if any of you are in London - let me know right? And we should... I dunno. Get in touch. Buddies in ED for life. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Shit.

Wow, I haven't blogged in like... two weeks. Fuck me. Well, I suppose it has been a very busy few weeks. So let me recall. Firstly, I am a fucking whale of a human being. My friend came down to London this last weekend and all we did was smoke cheddar and eat. But I mean - EAT. Like eating like I've never eaten before. And he is a boy as well, so he just wants to eat all the time and loads of it. So unashamedly, I ate as much as he did... who the fuck am I kidding - I ate way more than he did. And then some. Either way. It was a really nice weekend on the whole and I'm glad he was here. Although to be perfectly honest, I was really happy when he left. I like my own space and what I don't like is not being able to go about my regular life because there is someone in my hair constantly. But oh boy did we eat. And then until today, I have managed to have absolutely no willpower whatsoever. So now I am just huge and enormous. I feel so disgustingly about myself. I can't believe I'm still so fat. My UGW just seems so fucking far away right now.

In other news - work is going amazingly. All things considered. I am doing really really well at the job and my bosses seem to be pleased with the work I am doing. There is a boy in the office that I am secretly crushing on. I don't even know his name. I think it is Dave... or something to that effect. ANYWAY. So I just kinda sit at my desk and look idly at him. He's tall and one of the software programmer guys, yes. Another computer geek. Apparently. I am totally into them - geeks that is. Nerds even. Anyway, so he is tall. And he is a ginger (THE SHAME!!!) - with a kinda hipster beard. I had the perfect opportunity to speak to him the other day - we left the office at the same time and he walked past me - but then I nearly got run over by a car, because I was trying to be a badass. Embarrassed - I thought it best to leave it. But I do get a smile from him whenever I walk past. My mission for next week is to at least find out his name. There is a pubquiz for work on the 13th - so I hope HOPE HOPE he's going to that. Office crushes - cute? Also, I'm going to Hamburg at the beginning of next month for work. So that's pretty fucking epic. And then again in September. The other producer has resigned, so I am taking over her conference. Which is fucking rad. 

In Joe news - yesterday we had the final blow out. Basically, what happened was that he was all in my grill again and I was sort of rethinking my resolve. Then he started acting like a cunt again. I had asked him if he wanted to stay in my flat while I was in Hamburg, because he had mentioned wanting to do a London weekend again soon - and he was all shitty with me. So I may or may not have asked him if he - when he wonders why he is all alone in the world with nothing and no one - whether it crosses his mind that it is because he is a... what was the phrase... OH YES. Belligerent asshole. Or whether that is secondary to his enormous ego and putrid attitude. Needless to say - he was not impressed. So I deleted him off BBM and he deleted me on facebook. I'd say that is that, really. And honestly, I'm totally glad - he is poisonous. What if all men are like Roy? Then I'm fucked. I don't understand why I can't just seem to find the nice normal ones with minimal drama and who aren't emotionally stunted. *sigh* 

And now having been in London for a while now - it seems that I am starting to develop levels of friendship with people to the extent that drama is happening. Oh yes - WAIT. And I got busted with cheddar on me in Leicester square last weekend. Basically, the cutest sniffer dog in the world came to play. The cops just took it away and gave me a warning. But were so fucking nice about it. Needless to say - I shan't be carrying any smokeables on me. Ever again. If I can help it. ANYWAY. Then this chick got really drunk and messed her Chinese all over the table and threw a little epi, because we laughed at her - not in a mean way. But seriously. She thinks she is SO upper crust. I mean. I don't fucking understand it. She is a glorified secretary. And she is an asshole too. Anyway. I got invited to her 30th - shan't be going. Then that same night as the arrest and the drama. I went to drink with my friend Carl. And he came on to me. I turned him down and he got really really shitty with me. So that's another friend that I am not avoiding - I just don't want drama. And it doesn't help that my friend Monika pretty much repeats everything that I say to all our other friends. Not in a malicious way. She kinda assumes that it is her responsibility to fix everything. And oh boy does she try. But it usually backfires. I told her about Friday night - and I had said that Carl was rapey. I mean - he was physically trying to pull my clothes off. Now okay. I know that using that word can be a little confusion - but OBVIOUSLY, I didn't mean that he is a rapist. Just that he was a little too forward and creepy. The message was conveyed to Carl that I had called him a potential rapist. *SIGH* So now obviously - big drama there. Although to be fair - like with Joe - I really couldn't give a continental shit on Saturn to try to rectify or resolve the situation, and so the situation remains. I just hate drama. I'm so over drama. All men are Roy's. Speaking of. It was his birthday yesterday - so he was on my mind. He has been on my mind recently. Mostly, because I am have been single now for about 10 months... Maybe I'll be alone forever. 

OH and there is a bulimic at work. I've noticed that the bathrooms smell like vomit after lunchtime everyday. Whoever you are petal. I SEE YOU! 

Peace and Love

Xo Xo