Nipples A-Hoy!

So I got my nipple pierced and contrary to what every one else said, it was fucking painful. I mean. It is okay now, but still. Fuck it hurt at the time. I weighed in at a disgusting number this morning, which serves me right for so many days of binging. I promise to report my weight tomorrow morning, hopefully it will be better. I had salmon lettuce wraps for dinner, some pineapple and a large skimmed latte from Costa. All in all, I think I'm looking at 550 for the day. I also took some laxies, just cuz I'm worried that I am carrying around a lot of excess food weight from my binges and with not a lot going in, I just needed a bit of a cleanse I think. I am seeing my ANA friend tomorrow, and I know how fat I feel around her, so hopefully, it won't be too bad. Just trying to drink lots of water. I am determined to be under 60 by the end of the week. I know I can do this. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Such A Nob Sometimes

I've been thinking about this for about three fucking weeks and I managed to forget because somehow I am a complete airhead. Happy 2 Year Blogaversary to me. I have had this blog for 2 years now and WOW! does time fly sometimes. That aside, HEY! 

I don't have all that much to update except that I have pretty much binged for the past three days solidly, except for today where I have fasted. Not a single calorie has passed my lips for about 24 hours now. Amazefest. The German and I have also officially broken up. But I still have to see him in about a month at a conference, so I have to make sure I am looking skinny and sexy for then. I'm going to do a juice fast until Monday. I've never actually tried one so I am actually really keen. 

Tomorrow, I'm going to get my nipple pierced, because fuck it. Why not? I'm also contemplating getting a kitten, because again - fuck it. Why not? I just want to be skinny and awesome. I'm feeling kinda awesome, binging aside. But now for the skinny part. I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow, so will update. I've decided that if I'm going to be lonely and unloveable, then I just need to be a lonely, unloveable badass. 

That is all. 

Nipples & Peace

Xo Xo

It Must Be Broken

This morning I weighed in... and I weighed in at 60.6kg. How the fuck is that possible? I lost - no jokes - 5lb overnight. My scale has got to be broken. This is even after I ate that whole punnet of grapes - so my intake was like 800 yesterday and I still lost 2.4kg in one day. My scale must be broken. I weighed in three times and each time it was the same. I showered, then weighed again and it was the same. I mean - is it possible? I mean - if it was salt and bloating maybe, but what the fuck. 2.4kg OVERNIGHT!? 

Anyway, so as if that isn't amazing if by some stretch of the imagination I actually did weigh that much - I went and fucked it up today, cuz I had a sandwich for lunch, two small bags of crisps, peanut butter cups and two cups of coffee. So I'm guestimating that I am somewhere around 1600 for the day. Not the end of the world. So I had that for lunch and I am not eating again today, so hopefully it will digest and not turn into fat immediately. I have had like a gallon of water trying to mitigate my fatness. 

You know how when you eat, it's like you can SEE it forming on your thighs. Disgusting lard. I'm going to need to get a new scale. Cuz I can't have these inaccurate measurements all around me. 

Love & Lard

Xo Xo

Well...

Yesterday didn't go quite as well as I had anticipated. I basically cracked and had a quarter crispy duck with szeshwan pancakes and hoison sauce. Which was yummy. I have no idea what that means for how many cals I had yesterday. That being said though, I weighed in at 63.0kg this morning, which is great. It means that my binge didn't completely fuck everything up. Today I had a reduced cal enchilada, a cup of coffee with honey and a minneola. I think that puts me about 500 for the day. Probably a bit less than that, but let's say 500 to be safe. I was going to have grapes too, but i can have those tomorrow. 

So that friend of mine whose fiance was cheating on her and broke up with her a week ago, she already has a new beau lined up and waiting in the wings. I am so fucking jealous honestly. It is because she is thin. I know she must weigh about 55kgs. So I'm going to get competitive on her ass now. I need a hotter beau than her and the only way to do that is to be thinner. If she wants to be thin, I will be thinner, I don't give a shit. Also, when we go out I don't want to be the fat one. Fuck that honestly. Next to her I look like a hefer. I think I'm prettier though... maybe not. Fuck sakes. I HATE THIS SHIT!!

Love & Grapes

Xo Xo

You Don't Even Need Three Guesses

Because we all know from my last post that I binged. And it was disgusting. I ate four blueberry muffins, a large packet of crisps, tuna and sweetcorn salad, a sub and cannelonni. I'm so embarrassed and ashamed that I ate so much. If it's any consolation - which it isn't - I felt really, really ill most of last night after it. It was awful. Oh and I hate a fudge milkshake. Today, I haven't had anything except three cups of coffee with milk and about a teaspoon of honey between them. I plan to not have anything else, except maybe some fruit. I was 62.3kg yesterday morning, so I'm hoping to still be in the 62's tomorrow if I don't eat today. Hopefully not higher than 63's. 

I also had a long skype with my friend in Cape Town. What a pair we make, because she has an overeating disorder, which isn't just a nice way of saying she is fat. She is a food addict and is out of control with her eating. This is quite recent for her, two or three years I'd say. She can't even go for one day without bread. Anyway, I kinda told her about how I've reverted back to this and how in control I feel. I feel like she is genuinely the only person in the whole world who I can talk to about my disordered eating without any judgment or the whole - let's cure you - attitude. I like being able to talk to her about it. 

Anyway, despite the binge, I'm hoping that it won't set me back too much. I just need to lie in bed and revel in the hunger. It makes me feel powerful and like I'm progressing towards my goals. Didn't hear anything about the job at Visa Europe yet. I really, really want it. I just need an interview. I can do the rest. Man, I want it so badly. The German is back from the Arctic circle. I told him my conditions about continuing this charade. I'm already regretting it though. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So Help ME!

I am going to spend two consecutive days under 63.0. SO FUCKING HELP ME!! This morning I weighed in at 62.7kg. I don't even care if I lose tomorrow, I just want to spend two days in a row in the 62's. For those that recall, I've been in the 62's for the past eight months (GOD, that's a long time), but then I manage to fuck it up and binge for three days and have to start all over again. So help me mutha fucka. I'm going to do it. I want to have a reward day. So I'm going to allow myself a reward day once I'm in the 61's... Unless that day happens to be tomorrow, then I'll wait till I'm in the 60's. Basically, I don't want to binge tomorrow, but I also know there is a binge coming. There is ALWAYS a binge coming. Anyway, so this will definitely happen this weekend, will try and hold it off till Sunday and hopefully even Monday, but I want blueberry muffins and cheese. God, I'd kill for those two things. Today I had: two cups of coffee with milk, a skimmed americano with sugarfree hazelnut syryp from starbucks, two cups of tea with milk, a salad with roast chicken and avocado and sadly, there was french dressing on it. So because of the dressing, I'm not having any fruit for dinner. I can talk about this for days. God. I can't believe I'm planning my binges. I had a dream that I was in this massive super market and I ate like five doughnuts in a row. But you know when you eat carbs so fast that it forms a lump in your throat and is really painful to swallow (mia-girl-problems much?) - I did that in my dream, but it was like a feeding frenzy. I know I'm doing well when I dream about food. I feel in control right now and the feeling of hunger just really lets me know I'm actually doing something right. Even though everything else is falling apart. I hate my new boss and I've started applying for other jobs. Wish me luck my beautiful piglets? 

Doughnuts & Blueberry Muffins

Xo Xo

Welcome Back Bloaty

Yeah, well this morning I weighed in this morning at 63.1. Mutha FUCKA! Yeah, so not that great. Today I ate a chicken and avocado salad with no dressing. A landslide of tea with milk and a big ol' bunch of grapes. I'm hoping to be solidly below 63.0 tomorrow, BUT I am a fucking bloated heffer at the moment. Bloaty Mc-Fucking-Whale is back. So fingers crossed. Let's do this. I miss the German. God, I must still fill you guys in on what happened on Friday - will do that tomorrow. It's pretty insane. 

I think I'm going to have an orange and a cup of tea. 

I'm fat. 

Lard & Cellulite

Xo Xo

"I can't go out - I'm fasting"

I think every ana/mia/ednos has done this at some point. I just did it tonight - I got called by that weird friend of mine - who wanted to booty call me - but it wasn't exactly a booty call, it was more a hangout and drink situation. I turned him down, because if I go out there will be calories and I already had a problem today so I can't afford more calories. I had a team lunch today, which involved a thai red curry and about three tablespoons of rice. I've had a couple of cups of tea with fat free milk. And that's all. This morning after a weekend of binging I was 63.8. I'm hoping tomorrow will be sub-63. Maybe. The lowers are getting lower. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo 

Two Weeks... Doesn't Make You Ano.

I was watching extreme makeover weight loss edition and the contestant starved herself for two weeks and then purged after the inevitable binge. She told the trainers, got some therapy and then - for the rest of the episode - BRAGGED about how she 'overcame an eating disorder'. The fucking audacity. Two weeks of having a supposed ED and she thinks she has the goddamn bragging rights of having overcome a mother fucken eating disorder. To add fucking INSULT to injury, more than 6  months after she allegedly got over the ALLEGED ED, they sent her to a recovery centre. FOR A TWO FUCKING WEEK ED!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I'm not sure why this bugs me SO much, but it makes me want to slap her and the fucking trainers at how easy they think it is. Or that they fucking- anyway. I need to shut up about this, because it just pisses me off so much. 

I don't have anything to update, I'm fat. I binged - for days and fucking days. So today I started off almost binging, I've had about 950 cals. And no more today. Tomorrow and wednesday will be a fast. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

63.1

So it isn't great, but the silver lining is that I had my dumplings and I lost half a kg (1lb) and I didn't gain. I also wasn't feeling too tired at work today, so it seems my body is getting used to the ana-way again. But then of course today I had to go and fuck it up. I have had 2 cups of coffee with honey and milk, a tuna salad with goats cheese, pot noodles with pesto and some pom bears, a zero cal monster, two cups of tea and an americano from Starbucks. I would guestimate that I am in the region of 800 cals. Which isn't bad and probably similar to what I was yesterday- again. Hoping to not gain tomorrow - maybe even lose. I'm actually really proud of myself. Because I was going to order pizza and then I ended up not. Just because I want it too badly to fuck it up now and I'm actually not hungry anymore. More greed and than anything else.

My friend and her fiance - who have been together for five years and whose wedding I was meant to go back to Cape Town for in December - just broke up. Well he broke up with her, because he has been cheating on her for the past five months. So it looks like that isn't happening. Proof that every, even the happiest of couples, go to shit at the end of the day. Nothing lasts and you can trust no one. 

Sadness & Flubber

Xo Xo

And... Fuck

Nothing really happened today. Things are over with the German, but he's trying to convince me otherwise. I'm over it. I fasted yesterday and today I had a landslide of tea with milk, a pear for lunch and then I did it fucking again. I had grilled dumplings. Fail. I weighed in at 63.6 this morning, which isn't terrible considering I binged solidly for two days. Hopefully, the dumplings won't fuck it up too much. I'll be happy with not gaining tomorrow. I'm hoping it will be fine. Let's see shall we. I'm tired. I think I'm going to go to sleep. Right now. This is actually due to the fact that I have been playing Candy Crush non-stop. Sigh. I'm just. Sigh. I have nothing to say other than *SIGH*!!

Sighs & More Sighs

Xo Xo

The FPI (Fat Piggy Index)

Ever feel like your life is something like the Dow Jones or FTSE? I fucking do. I feel like everything in my life is a fucking stock market index and it goes up generally, but there are always fucking falls and occasionally a huge fucking crash. I'm hating everything at the moment. Men, myself, work, EVERYTHING. The German and I just fight all the time and last night I basically broke up with him, because I'm not waiting for two years for him to finish his phd and being content with a random weekend here and there. The Pole is just annoying so basically that is just adding to my constant irritation. My new boss started and she is one of those passive aggressive nice people who can't give a straight answer... although I suspect that secretly, I want to be the smartest person in the team and I feel like she may be better than me, even though she's my boss. God, I'm too competitive. Anyway, so I have resolved to update my CV by the end of the week and start applying for new jobs. Since the German isn't happening anymore, there is no reason for me to stick around and I'm sure that there is something amazeballs out there.

I also completely fucked up last night and ended up eating a shiton of stuff. I find that if I eat during the day, the rest of the day and night becomes a free for all and I just eat a fuckload. Anyway, so that happened last night and I didn't dare weigh my fat self this morning. I have however managed to fast the entire day today and I'm going to have some pineapple later if I can't stand it anymore. I'm hoping that tomorrow won't be that bad. CRY. I fuck it up everytime. But I am resolute. I can still be below 60 by the end of the month. I can and I will be. 

Grumpasaurus & Cryceratops

Xo Xo

Good things happen to thin people...

So last night/yesterday arvo turned into a total fucking disaster. Not only did I eat the hugest hamburger known to man kind, three long island ice teas, fries, two dacquiris, two glasses of wine, three shots of tequila, (and then when I got home pissed off my bracket), two small bags of crisps and pot noodles, BUT I also made out with my ex (the lovely Polish one) and pretty muched hooked up with him in the bathrooms at the bar. Classy Piggy, really fucking classy. And then he even started going on about how he wants us to give it another try blah blah blah, which in my drunken state, I was like 'hells yeah mutha fucker'. 

So today I weighed in at 63.8kg (which is 1kg up from yesterday - I'm sure it is just food weight, but still) and I felt like my hangover was going to kill me this morning. Although, as I sit here now I don't feel too bad. In the past six months, I've been below 62 three times and every fucking time I am under 62 I fuck it the fuck up. I'm so pissed off with myself for doing this, AGAIN. Anyway, and the consequences of a hangover were that I had to eat lunch or I wouldn't have made it through the day. So today I have had a Venti Skimmed Latte from Starbucks, which is probably about 130ish and a chicken wrap with yoghurt sauce for lunch. I'm sure the wrap was somewhere in the region of 600ish, so I'm okayish for today. But it isn't going to be great tomorrow. As long as I don't gain tomorrow I'm happy. Cuz I can get down to 61 by the end of the week if I try hard. So I'm not having dinner. And tomorrow I'm fruitoxing again.

Today was also a very awkward conversation with the ex, cuz it was like. I know we were drunk, but what's the story? So he basically said that he did mean it, but he doesn't know how it will change his life. And that it was a thought he should have probably finished. Basically, I think he realised that maybe he was being a bit crazy to think we could work out. But now he's kinda left me hanging, cuz he hasn't said yes or no. Anyway, going into winter I think it's something I might want. But I don't know... I mean... the German. I am totes into him. But it's getting really hard with the distance and what not. Anyway, I don't fucking know. I don't fucking care. I just want to go to sleep. I'm okay with being alone. So at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Burger Challenge '13

62.8kg this morning. 62 point mutha fucken 8. I shit you not my amazing lovely little piglets. I've fucking got it the fuck down and I am fucking stoked. Yesterday, for all intents and purposes it was a fast. I had one zero cal monster, a shiton of coke zero, a couple of bites of a mango and a couple of segments of orange. Fucking, fuck YEAH! God, I forgot how exhilarating it is to meet a weight goal. For today, I've got a dinner thing/late lunch vibe with one of my ex's. The lovely Polish boy. And we are going to an American-style diner. So basically, I'm definitely going to get some calories in, but the hope is to have a burger with no bun and a coke light there. I can definitely get away with not eating anything but that today. The aim is to NOT gain tomorrow. Fuck, the fuck yeah. 

I've noticed that if I plan the meal beforehand, I'm less likely to go crazy when I get there. Planning is key. I'll update later once I've dominated the burger challenge. Dudes, we can fucking do this. 62.8 fucking hell. That means that I can be below 60 in two weeks. And back to 58 in three. And back to 55 (which I've only been at briefly once before) by the middle of next month. When I see the German, I'm going to be so freakin' skinny. AMAZEFEST UK!

Stoked & Elated

Xo Xo

Well that was unexpected!

I weighed in this morning after my dumpling disaster last night and it wasn't awful. I weighed in at *drum roll* 63.8kg. Which is 0.6 down from yesterday. I'll take it. So today I'm going to fruitox. Need to boom-bam up the strength for it today. I can do this, I can do this, I can do this. 

Mangoes & Pineapple

Xo Xo

*** edit *** 

6pm and I haven't failed yet... I haven't eaten anything. Maybe I can actually do this? Oranges and a mango in my future... 62's tomorrow? 

Success? Not Really

So yesterday was a successful fruitox day and despite my wildly crazy disgusting normal fatty carby eating this week, I only weighed 64.4 this morning. HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!? Anyway, that aside. It's funny that my first reaction was : WOOHOO let's binge. I've realised that I'm in my worst binge-starve cycle I've ever been in. There is absolutely NO moderation whatsoever. That aside. Today I slipped a little bit, but it wasn't a total failure and here's why. I had a lo-cal monster, an absolute zero monster, a Starbucks americano with a sugar free vanilla shot, a punnet of strawberries and then... I had grilled dumplings. Fuck sakes. I was meant to have a mango for dinner and then I decided that I wanted chinese. So I got grilled dumplings. 6 of them. With hoison sauce. CRY! But the reason that it wasn't a total failure was because when I eventually mentally caved into chinese land, I decided on two dishes, then decided on three, then went down to two and eventually settled on just the dumplings. So, it's not terrible. Anyway, I'm hoping to not gain tomorrow morning. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fruitox & Paradise

You know, I've been a little bit pensive today, because I have been listening to Coldplay and the last time that I listened to Coldplay for a while was when I was in hospital after my last suicide attempt. I mean. Actually, no. That's a lie. I've listened to it since. But I think because it is so hot at the moment and I'm in a weird boy place, it kinda reminds me of that situation and it's freaking me the fuck out. If ya'll recall, my last suicide was shortly after the break up of my ex and I and then shit just totally fell apart. I feel like I've at this point in my life reached an impasse with the German, as him not being here is not making me happy. For as happy as he makes me, the whole situation also makes me very sad. So I've got to a place where I've decided to let the whole situation go and end things with him. I think that listening to that album today made me realise what I've done to myself before by holding onto something long after it has stopped being good for me and I don't want to go back. I'm going to end it. If we can't reach a solution with regards to where we live, then I need to make my own solution to be happy and that doesn't involve him. I'm a solver, I don't want to dwell on the problem. So the problem needs to go away - does that make sense?

In other news, I'm still fat. I say this in every post. But it's still just as true now as it was then. I'm doing a fruitox for the foreseeable future. I have had a punnet of grapes today, two cups of coffee, a sugar free redbull, an absolute zero monster (cuz I'm fucking OBSESSED with Monster) and sadly, I had a cappucino frap from Starbucks which could have as many as 170 cals in it. I didn't order it or buy it for myself so I don't know. I hate it when coworkers buy things for me. My lunch buddy is away for another two weeks so I will be able to skip lunch while she's gone without any questions. FML. 

Deep & Pensive

Xo Xo