Pissed. Off. Piggy.

This week has fucking sucked. The weather is fucking abysmal - and I don't know if it just me, but why the fuck do I always think that I am like... two seconds away from getting fired at all times. Fucking hell. I'm falling apart, not being able to sleep stressed out about this Congress in San Diego. I want to fucking die every time I get to my desk, because there is always some little change or something going wrong. And it's just like managing the chaos all the time. To make matters worse, yesterday morning I weighed in at <wait for it> 62.5kg and then WHAT DID I GO AND DO? I went and binged. So this morning I was back up to 63.3. (OKAY, all things considered, it wasn't too bad for the day after a binge!) I also can't sleep so I have to take sleeping pills to get more than 2 hours of sleep, which OBVIOUSLY I hate. In addition to which, my beautiful temp with blue eyes - the one I am shamelessly crushing on is going to keep working for us for a bit longer which means that I can't like... make a move. Because, I don't want to fuck around the office. I'm so hacked off about it. I also feel myself pulling away... Like I'm pretty sure he is also crushing on me, but whenever he like - does something to show he's interested, I freak out and go ice-cold on him. Almost like 'I'm sorry you may have been misinterpreting this as me being interested' - even though I am - 'I'm going to totally shut down this little gesture just that you don't get the wrong idea.' WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!? He's coming out for a drink on Friday night, which ordinarily I'd be all over, but now... I don't WANT to go drinking with him. And then have it be a thing or make-out, oh well. I'll see you on Monday. I'm over this crushing business. I'm going to force myself to not like him anymore. I hate this. >.<

Foodwise... today has been fine, not great. I had a Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148), 200g of blueberries (138) and spinach schnitzels (440) (although it says it's 280g of schnitzel on the wrapping, but then there were 5 portions in and not 4, so I'm not sure if it's actually 550 - let's go with 550 to be safe) for a grand total for the day offffffff: 836. That's a terrible fat number isn't it. OH WAIT - there was tomato sauce too... 900. Gross. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be back down in the 62's. Fuck. This. Life.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Codependency.

Man, I've got two awesome things that I want to write about, but I'm SO exhausted (because I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting about 2h30min of sleep). Fuck. I'll just go for the one right now, tomorrow is another day. Codependency recently came up in Katie Elizabeths blog and it is something which I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, because I always thought that it only applied to relationships... like. Romantic. Relationships. You know - where you are incapable of being independent of the other person... like I was with Roy. Anyway, I have however come to realise that this is not the case and in fact, codependence is a hopeless need to satisfy the needs of others or relying on their feelings to validate yourself. So needing everyone to like you or approve of you... I used to be like this. Hell, I suppose to some extent I still am, but it is not so much approve these days as I want people to be jealous of me. To want what I have. I want them to want my job and my life, my looks, my weight. I mean - that is the driving force behind my ED. They don't need to know how sad and miserable my life is or how I'm completely afraid of getting vaguely close to any single person, boyfriend or otherwise just in case they realise how NOT-glamourous my life really is. I dunno... it's been on my mind. Do I want people to like me? I think I've come to a point in my life, where I believe my own lie. I believe that my life is awesome and that I am awesome, therefore FUCK YOU ALL. How can someone be so arrogant, yet so insecure at the same time? Any psychologists in the house? 

In other news, I ate a whole punnet of grapes before I went to sleep last night bringing my total yesterday to over 1000. In a shocking turn of events, I still lost 0.9kg which means I weighed in at 63.5 this morning. I CAN FUCKING FEEL 60, I CAN FEEL IT! I almost feel like this is a true weight though. Like you know when you drop weight quite quickly, all it takes is one binge to take you up 3kgs. I feel like this is the opposite, like I've actually LOST the weight as opposed to just emptying out my body. It feels good either way. My legs are looking thinner, my collarbones are popping nicely. I had... somewhere in the region of 650 today. I'm actually sure that it isn't that much, but just to be safe. It was a Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148) and chickpea curry for dinner (consisting of half a can of chickpeas, 80g raw mushrooms, and prolly about 100 cals worth of tomato pieces, paste and sauce). I'm sure it was less than 500, but just to be safe. I wonder if I'll be in the 62's tomorrow? God, the 62's. It has been FAR. TOO. Long. When I see my friends again (I haven't seen them since Christmas, because I've been broke and exhausted) - they are going to SHIT BRICKS!

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Fuck Sakes.

So this morning, despite only having 750 cals yesterday, I weighed in at 64.4. I did tell a bit of a white lie though, cuz I did weigh myself yesterday morning at it was 64.4. So I didn't lose anything. I'm so severely annoyed. Anyway, not that I've gone and now helped matters at all, because I went and ate an entire pizza (store bought) - 770 cals plus an absolute zero Monster, another 15. So the total for today is 785 (so far). I'm not gonna eat anything else today. *think of Andrew, think of Andrew* Also, I'm going to be in San Diego in a week and it will be hot, so less clothing. I wonder if I can be in the 62's by then. I hope so. Fuck. 

I. will. not. eat. anything. else. today. 

Pizza & Love

Xo Xo

Thinspo And Stuff

I don't really have too much to say. I did well on Thursday and indicative of a period, which was preceded by a whole day of bloathing, I ended up binging. And then last night I binged too. Not too badly mind you, it was only around 2000 cals worth. Needless to say I did not weigh yesterday or this morning. ALTHOUGH. I did manage to bring it back today, not fantastically, but I have saved it. I had a peanut bar (195), noodles (400), pom bears (95), zero cal energy drink and an apple (60), so a total of 750 for the day. Which is okay I think. I think the reason behind all the self control is essentially because I still have this huge disgusting crush on Andrew (the temp from work) - it's all I think about, I day dream about him, I fantasise about him. I mean - I need to make a decision about whether to make a move by next Friday, because he won't be with the company from next Friday and so after that I won't ever see him again. *cry* I also kinda think that I am just going to leave it and let him make a move if he's interested and if he doesn't then it is fate. Guys, I have a proper legit school girl crush on a boy. WHO AM I!? Like, the last time I had a pathetic crush on someone was ages ago. Like a proper pathetic crush. I want to actually date him. Like a normal functional relationship kinda date him. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS PERSON!?

Thinspo. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Epiphany.

I realised today... well I dunno if it counts as an epiphany. People consider me to be a strong person and optimistic, cheerful... upbeat. Whatever you want to call it. And mostly it is because of this girl, Megan, that I knew when I worked at this steak house in Cape Town when I was like... 19 or something (and fat, I might add). Anyway, everyone loved her, because not only was she totally beautiful, but she was quirky and really positive. She loved to be happy for other people and I remember since then that I realised that maybe the reason no one liked me was because I was grumpy. A pessimist. I think though that I have returned to a natural state of being that way... optimistic is the wrong word, but like. I don't get too phased about anything, because my attitude is always, meh *shrug* what's the worst that can happen. Or like, oh well - I'll get through it and get it done, because I HAVE to get it done. It's like with work at the moment, like it sucks that I have to work late, but I'm not going to be miserable about it - I'm going to get it done and do it with a smile on my face, because I don't want to get into the habit of hating my job. Anyway, the epiphany (if you can call it that) that I had was that, in the end: You will get through it, because you have to. Suicide, yes. Okay, I've been there twice as you all know, but like - suicide aside, you have to get through shit, so you do and you always come out a stronger person on the other side. I dunno... does that make sense? One of the biggest compliments I've gotten recently was from Anthony (the short Cypriot who was totals in love with me and whom I gave bat, then he went all puppy love cray-cray on me) - he said that I don't take anything too seriously. I suppose that's true. Like no expectations = no disappointment. I dunno - am I making any sense? 

Anyway, let me stop rambling. This morning I was a FABULOUS 63.6kg. Which is a 0.8kg loss since yesterday. Today I've had an energy drink (125 cals) and some lentil curry (400)... now I KNOW that I'm going to gain tomorrow. I've just got a feeling. But it's okay as long as it's still less than 64. 

OH! I'm a bit too tired to type anymore, I just got home from work and it's 9pm (I haven't ACTUALLY eaten the curry yet) - but remind me to tell you about Mikhaila. 

FUCK YEAH & POES NAAI!

Xo Xo

To My Shock And Amazement

After 4 solid days of binging and then one day of proper restricting, I weighed myself and I was only 64.4kg. WTF? I don't really understand, but like SO happy. I'm hoping to keep this going till Friday or Saturday, where I'm going to allow myself a little more. I've portioned out my food for the rest of the week... well till Friday and it is the same vegan curry that I made yesterday which is 1 cup per serving, but it is at least half veggies and then I added some extra veggies, so it is around 400 cals per serving. And since I am broke as fuck, I'm only eating dinner at the moment, which is great. Black coffee for the rest of the day. So today, like yesterday I had 400 cals. I swear to god, I'm going to get to 60 soon!! 

I had a pretty good day at work too. The CEO has been riding my ass, because they pretty much dumped three projects in critical phases on my desk simultaneously, all in different geographies and in two different sectors, so it's like going from one thing to another throughout the day constantly. But, the CEO today was looking through some of my documents and he was happy with the progress, but now my San Diego project is just like... fucking out. I've been working so late... ANYWAY. *get it together, get it together* I'm busy gathering some information at the moment and I am going to propose a huge international renewable energy congress with wind, solar, geothermal and possibly biomass in a few months. Like, BITCH MUST KNOW that I'm the shit. The thing is - and I know this sounds arrogant - but I know that I'm smarter than three quarters of the people that I work with... actually no. LEMME TAKE THAT BACK - I'm more creative and have more innovative ideas. AND I will be known as an ideas person - a risk taker. BOOM! 

FYI - Check out this thinspo.

To my last post - don't drown in a cup of water - what this means is that a cup of water is so small, such a little bit of water in it and taking into consideration how little water is in it - don't let yourself drown. I suppose another saying is: don't make mountains out of molehills. This is one of three phrases that really resonate with me as a person - the other two are: Let go or be dragged. AND. You are not your thoughts (i.e. view your thoughts objectively as if you were a passer-by, just because you think it does not mean that those thoughts define you).

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Do Not Drown In A Cup Of Water

... except to say that my intake for today has been reasonably good - around 400 cals. I also made three nights more curry than I needed so I have healthy curry to eat for three more days and that takes me to the end of the week. So I just need to not eat anything other than that till Friday and it will all be fine. I have two months to get down to 60 again. Because that's when I go back to Cape Town. My bestie, Mik - said that she wants to lose some weight before then so that we can BOTH get hit on. I'm going to be ashamed if I go home and I'm too fat for attention. I need to look like I did. So I've got my thinspo on my phone at the ready, motivated again and ready to go. It's going to be fabulous. My skin looks like shit, probably because I haven't eaten a fruit or vegetable in days. 

I have also decided to keep a separate journal for my boy stories so you guys don't have to listen to that trollip anymore. As an aside, I told this co-worker, Hannah about the pub-owner guy that I hooked up with and she told me today that he kissed some other co-workers friend on Friday night at a birthday party... Now I'm not exactly sure why she told me... like she wanted me to react. Or something?

OH and! I decided to not talk to Roy. I'm not ready to talk to him and move on from the things he did. I think the thing that I'm most scared of is that he isn't going to admit or understand that he did anything wrong and I know that is going to send me into an anger spiral again. He is on my mind still, I dreamt about him last night, dreamt that we had a baby (called James, whom I referred to as Jimmy - EEEUW RIGHT!?). I am pissed off that my dream was affectionate rather than shouting or hating him, or that there was not fat brunette fiancee... it was not an angry dream. I hate it. I hate him. Best idea to not talk to him. Definitely the right choice. 

My motto for the moment is: do not drown in a cup of water. I'm taking this to heart and remembering that I am strong and that I have overcome loads. Being broke and uninspired is just like one more thing, isn't it? I'm not sure what to believe, but I've come too far to fail now. I am going to curl up in bed with an ep of Girls. Lena Dunham understands me. Hopefully my weight tomorrow won't be as pathetic as I know it's going to be. And that my skin will look better. Cheers to 60!

Love & Peace

Xo Xo

We All Wish We Were Kurts.

I didn't really lose this morning... 64.6. So I lost a WHOLE 100g. Go me. Not surprising though, because my fat piggy confession for today is that I ate a whole bowl of popcorn after I signed off last night... so that was at least another 300 cals. Go Piggy. Asshole. Today, I've had... again. Somewhere in the region of about... like. 700? Maybe. I don't know. I definitely did not have more than 200g of chips so 450 plus the ketchup and then on my way home from work, because I had yet again convinced myself to binge I had a packet of bickety crisp things. Which was like.. 250. Or something. Yeah, it isn't good. I figure though that since I've stayed below 800 which is the goal all along that I'm still okay. I unconvinced myself of the binge on the tube home... which was very awkward because I was sitting opposite the HR manager from my old company who sat in on the hearing where I was sacked. AWKWARD SWAN! I think we both pretended not to see each other. 

Work is crazy at the moment, the CEO emailed me this morning telling me that I need to work faster on my current project, which is virtually impossible to do because I'm doing three projects all at once and there is just me. It's just me. I can't go any fast. Impossible. But the plus side of it is that I'm too busy to have to justify doing anything for lunch, so I just skip it. It's really quite awesome to get home from work and know that I haven't ingested a single calorie the entire day. Haven't heard from the cute British boy today... I'm seriously trying to play it cool, but like. What if me playing it cool registers to him that I'm not interested? Anyway. I hate being the weird awkward girl at work. A couple of weeks before Christmas I got absolutely shit faced with these people from work and this dude (the asshole who called me a racist) told me that the whole office thinks I'm weird. I don't know how to be fucking normal around people. I say the wrong things, I'm socially inept. Fuck sakes. 

I did however watch this really fucking cool documentary on Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love called (*wait for it*) Kurt & Courtney. I personally have never believed that she is the psycho killer behind poor beautiful Kurt's death, but after watching the documentary - she is a fucking psycho. I swear to god she did it. The thing that stuck out for me was the word 'harpy' - as in Courtney is a harpy. A woman who takes advantage of a mans weakness and exploits him till there is nothing left. I'm a harpy. Not of men, but of people. I exploit people's weaknesses to my advantage. Maybe I'm a fucking psychopath? It's a shit, SHIT thing to realise that you are more Kurt than Courtney, cuz let's face it. We all wish we were Kurts. I feel inspired to be more excellent. In general. 

Kurt & Courtney

Xo Xo

WHOOP!

My weight this morning was unremarkable - 64.7. I have figured out why that is however and that's probably because the oven chips I had last night were closer to 500 than 300. Oh well. And then I went and did the same thing today, because I have this huge big bag of them and I'm broke, so I may as well finish them. Today, similarly I had... I have no idea, I'd estimate somewhere between 200 and 300g of them. So that would be between 360 and 540 plus tomato sauce (15cals per table spoon). To be on the safe side, I will guess that I had about 650 cals today. Let's hope that my weight tomorrow is less. The good news is that I'll be lower at the end of this week than I was last week and in the last month since I started challenge number 2, I've lost 3.8kg. Which is good. So if I can get down to 60kg flat in the next month, that'd be fantastic. I'm seeing this guy that I hooked up with before I left Cape Town in San Diego when I go, so I need to be as thin as I was then, which is 58ish. I dunno... Do I want to see him? I feel like I used to be far more interesting than I am right now... am I? 

The big news of course is that I got into a masters course today!! An engineering degree too. An MSc in Energy and Sustainability - so now I just to make a casual 5k in order to start in September. Dudes, the donation button is still on my blog, please let a sugar daddy see this and pay my tuition.  Greedy Piggy. No one cares. Anyway, I'm reveling in my awesomeness today. 

There is a boy... who I really like. But we've never met. I was on whisper... I said something stupid about how hot beards are. He replied. He lives close to me. He's tall and hot (from the pics and skypes we've had). He's in South Africa, but not South African visiting his aunt who lives there. He has a beautiful English accent. He climbs mountains. I have been trying to not say anything about it, because it's SO sad. We had dinner plans for the 24th, which I postponed till after my San Diego trip, because he can't see me while I'm this fat. I'm trying to play it cool.

Moving Forward & Looking Upwards

Xo Xo

p.s. Dyou guys like the new design? I thought since I usually change it like once a year. 

p.p.s Really sorry that I have been banging on about this San Diego trip (OH GOD PIGGY, SHUT UP!) but it's such a focus right now for work and in my life. I've been working really long hours. I feel like I'm eating, breathing, sleeping, DREAMING about this project. It will be over soon and then I'll do something interesting with my life and NOT talk about it anymore. 

p.p.p.s I know I used to be far more interesting. 

FML.

Just FML. You guys are going to be angry with me, well... no that's a lie. I suppose I say that because it makes me like there is someone to whom I am accountable. I am accountable to no one. I never thought I'd say it, but this whole 'Piggy against the world' thing that I've been doing for the last five years is really starting to get old. I would really like someone to actually just take care of me. I've alienated everyone. Anyway, on the pretense of 'OhMyGod you guys are going to be so angry with me!' I did something. I contacted Roy and we have arranged to have a chat. I don't know what I was thinking, but I don't know. I feel like he can't hurt me anymore and despite all of my better judgment, I WANT to talk to him. It's almost like I don't associate him with him back then or what happened and now I just need to. Well, I'm saying that, but he wanted to talk this morning and I fobbed him off... Not quite, I was really busy at work and had a super long day, but I couldn't deal with it, because what if it upsets me. What if he can't understand that what he did was fucked up, wrong and just not the way that you treat people. I dunno, I think I've lost my nerve. I don't know. I have also come to realise that the man that I loved doesn't exist anymore and even just texting him, I was like. This isn't THAT man. I dunno...

I also seriously fucked up this weekend and binged all of Saturday and Sunday. What happened was that I had my 600 cals or whatever on Friday and then I weighed on Saturday and I fucking gained!! Can you cope!? I weighed 64.2 (after being 63.9 the night before), so I was pissed and I ate and ate. Obviously, I didn't weigh this morning. Today I have had about... 400 cals I think. I can't think if it is more, because all it was was a small plate of oven chips with tomato sauce (i.e. South African ketchup - it's the best). I'm hoping that tomorrow I'll be somewhere in the 64's. 

Working Like A Dog & Broke As Fuck

Xo Xo

Why Jennifer Lawrence Sucks.

I used to really like her, because she is weird and quirky - cool. She's a cool chick and I'd want to be friends with her. But I fucking hate her. She goes on about how much she eats and how she won't diet - dudes, firstly. What a fucking joke. Maybe she does eat 'whatever she wants', but she probably only has a bite or two and that's it. She isn't 'curvy', she's not normal sized, she's thin. Maybe not by Hollywood standards, but by normal people standards, she has a weight that most normal people would die to have. I hate that she advocates this body acceptance vibe when in fact, whether she diets or not, she is one of the people that DRIVES thinspirationalness in the world. Of course we want to look like her. Fucking nob. I can't stand this hypocritical bullshit that she sprouts when the reality is that she is tall, thin, beautiful and successful. I'm so FUCKING sorry that it's easy for you to be naturally skinny, but jump off a fucking bridge, because that isn't the way it happens in real life. Another fucking delusional Hollywood actress that actually thinks they have a grip on reality. Jennifer Lawrence, you do not. Gain 40lbs and then talk about body acceptance and maybe you'll actually have a leg to stand on. Twat.

In other news, I weighed in at 63.9kg this morning, which means that I lost 0.9kg (2lbs) overnight. Fucking sick I tell you. I'm quite stoked about it. It wasn't going very well today, but then I reigned it in. I had decided that I was going to binge tonight which was going to consist of chips, oreos and vegan sausage rolls. AND YOU KNOW when you make the decision. Like you fight with yourself over it for ages and as soon as you decide, you let go of the worry associated with the binge and start planning it. What you're going to eat, what order you're going to eat in, what the drink is, what you will eat tomorrow to compensate. I had made the decision and then sitting on the tube, I thought - mmm, wouldn't it be nice to weigh less than 63.9 tomorrow. So I decided not to binge. Not to say that today was hugely successful, because it wasn't.  But anyway, so here you go. A sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148), cracker peanuts (260), fruit (41), skinny soup (165), two carrot sticks with pesto (50) totalling around 664 for the day. I'm happy with that. Tomorrow I'm going to buy some popcorn kernels so I can munch on those in a low cal kinda way. I'm thinking that I may try and fast tomorrow, but I want to go climbing at some point this weekend, so I may need to eat. Anyway, here's to hoping the scale likes me tomorrow. 

Love & Skinny

Xo Xo

Do I Have To Be Conscious?

All I want to do is sleep. I swear the first thing I think when I open my eyes is that I can't wait to get home so that I can go to bed. I've worked late every day this week. Fuck. It. Anyway, it's 7.44pm and I think I'm going to go to sleep now. Exhausted. Or... weak. Whatever, I don't care if lower calories make you tired, I just want to be skinny again and I'll take the weakness. I weighed in at 64.8kg today which is 0.6kg down from yesterday. Hopefully it will be lower by tomorrow. If I can continue like this maybe I will actually have sustainably lost something in my challenge month - remember I started at 67.5. So that's 3kgs almost. I can do this. Today I've had... a shiton of black coffee as always, an absolute zero monster (lies, it's 15cals), ryvita minis (113), a pear (60), a plum (30) and skinny soup (162), so that's a total of 380... WOW. Lower than I thought. But good, stoked with that. Tomorrow is Friday though, so let's hope that this allllll continues. 

Love & Loss

Xo Xo

Well, It's Going

I weighed in this morning at 65.4kg. Which I was really super shocked about, because I've been eating so much. Hopefully though that this means I can get down to a good weight by like... February. Let's see. I don't want to preempt it because I always have a lot of lofty promises, but then I freak out and never stick to them or am too embarrassed to admit that I've fucked it. Today I've had about 490 cals, I think which consisted of a Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148), snack o jacks (110), a pear (60), a diet cherry coke, a landslide of black coffee, and souper green soup (123) with a tablespoon of reduced cal pesto (50). Give or take on the maths there. I am hoping to be under 65 tomorrow. It's been a while. Man, I'm fat. 

Work is so stressful at the moment, because we've got this huge congress in San Diego in less than a month and I am stressing some serious balls about it. Anyway, on top of which I have my Milan project for October (sounds far away, but it's a lot of work) and now I've just been given a geothermal project for July in Nairobi. So this year is going to be a little bit cray-cray. I ordered my business cards today - i.e. I'm not going to be sacked in the foreseeable future. (I was thinking for Nairobi, since I'm there I may want to do a sneaky trip up Kilimanjaro, but I need to see how much my quarterly bonus is, because it's really expensive.) Anthony still refuses to talk to me - he is super pissed that I won't date him. Over it. And sadly, oh so sadly, I've got a crush on this boy at work called Alex. He is a fucking TWAT and he is so rude to me. He called me weird and a racist (because I'm South African - HOW ORIGINAL!?). But I am crushing on him so hard. He has the cutest beard... and a fucking girlfriend. Bad Piggy. Anyway - staying far away, but he's so nice to look at. Well no, he's cute and skinny, I like skinny boys. Even more sadly, I had a dream about Roy last night. It's funny, because in my dreams now, he always has a girlfriend/wife. And usually she is short and fat with a huge ass and enormous thighs. Dark, long hair. Wearing jeans that are strained over her squat fatness. He's just there and we always get into fights or have some kind of altercation. My mind gets it. My heart doesn't. Bonus though, in last nights dream he was broke. Made me smile. :) 

I haven't been climbing since before New Years, because I was too hungover while I was on leave and I've been working every night till 7 this week so I'm too tired. I've got a climbing date with a friend on Sunday, so I know I will go then! YAY! 

Not much going on in my life... My second challenge is coming to an end on the 14th where I was supposed to be down to 60. With only a week to go, it doesn't exactly look like it's gonna happen. But I'm going to get as close as I damn can. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Nothing Changes, Ey?

I know this is a terrible thing to say, but I need to relearn how to do this ED thing and stop eating. Okay, not a fair thing to say. I need to learn to stop eating. I've become too complacent thinking that I have the right to eat!? What the fuck Piggy, you stupid animal. You do not have the RIGHT to eat. You don't deserve food and you don't deserve to be thin. Just starve and be fat. Ugly, STUPID PIGGY!! I want to try and fast again (I haven't fast in AGES) but I'm so scared that I fuck up at work from being hungry all the time. Well, not hungry. I refuse to be hungry, I will be light instead. 

I haven't weighed in a couple of days, because I binged yesterday. It was so weird to have a proper lunch... like, SO weird. But anyway, I'm not going to fixate on my fat ugly day yesterday. Today I have had a soy latte from Starbucks (170), ryvita mini (113), plum (30), and skinny soup (90), OH and a monster absolute zero which comes to 418 for the day. And there I shall stay. 

I will weigh in tomorrow and post if it isn't too hideous. WTF ever, I will post. I must also apologise for not commenting on blogs, I'm going to catch up now. Sorry I'm a fail Piggy. I'm just a fail. A fat fail. 

Fat & Lard

Xo Xo

He Asked Me

I was sitting in a bar with Anthony and he asked me if I was still in love with my ex. The feeling that came over me as he asked me was the same as when Roy asked me if I had slept with Nic. I knew as soon as I said no, as soon as I said that I didn't love him "not anymore" that I was lying. And that I didn't even tell a convincing lie. I haven't thought about this since he broke my heart. How can I still love him? He's a monster. He broke me. My heart. My soul was destroyed and I'll never recover. 

Fear & Loathing

Xo Xo 

What I Didn't Do

... was weigh myself this morning, because I was feeling shitty, I ate about 1500 cals yesterday and I drank a shiton of liquid when I woke up, because I have tonsillitis and it burnt like a whore on payday. What I did do is only have about 500 cals today consisting of a soy latte, a couple of sips of smoothie and 2 linda mcCartney sausages. What I also did do is book a plumber for tomorrow morning, because I have a blocked drain and now I have to spend my evening cleaning my flat, because I would be disgusted if anyone came in here the way it currently looks. Yay. Me.

Thinspo.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

New Year's Resolutions

So I'm fucking knackered and fucked up from last night's activities, which didn't go too wrong except for the part where I lost my travelcard amidst a whole other lot of drama, but it is not the end of the world. I looked kinda skinny, I was down to 64.9 in the morning and I had a milkshake and a low cal mac and cheese, cuz I was hungover... this morning after I got in I weighed after I had eaten a veggie burger, which was the start of three things that I ate today. I'm not optimistic about tomorrow, but if I can still be in the 64's by the end of the week, I will be stoked. Back to work tomorrow. 

New Year's Resolutions... instead of these I'm going to tell you my five goals for 2013. 

1. Go to Thailand

2. Get promoted at work (or not fired)

3. Go on a climbing holiday (anywhere, outdoors)

4. Do at least 6 interviews for my book

5. Manage my finances better

(I would put a sixth in here about my weight, but that is always going to happen and isn't something that is a goal necessarily, because achieving it is not optional.)

What are yours?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo