Man, I've got two awesome things that I want to write about, but I'm SO exhausted (because I couldn't sleep last night and ended up getting about 2h30min of sleep). Fuck. I'll just go for the one right now, tomorrow is another day. Codependency recently came up in Katie Elizabeths blog and it is something which I've been thinking about quite a bit lately, because I always thought that it only applied to relationships... like. Romantic. Relationships. You know - where you are incapable of being independent of the other person... like I was with Roy. Anyway, I have however come to realise that this is not the case and in fact, codependence is a hopeless need to satisfy the needs of others or relying on their feelings to validate yourself. So needing everyone to like you or approve of you... I used to be like this. Hell, I suppose to some extent I still am, but it is not so much approve these days as I want people to be jealous of me. To want what I have. I want them to want my job and my life, my looks, my weight. I mean - that is the driving force behind my ED. They don't need to know how sad and miserable my life is or how I'm completely afraid of getting vaguely close to any single person, boyfriend or otherwise just in case they realise how NOT-glamourous my life really is. I dunno... it's been on my mind. Do I want people to like me? I think I've come to a point in my life, where I believe my own lie. I believe that my life is awesome and that I am awesome, therefore FUCK YOU ALL. How can someone be so arrogant, yet so insecure at the same time? Any psychologists in the house?
In other news, I ate a whole punnet of grapes before I went to sleep last night bringing my total yesterday to over 1000. In a shocking turn of events, I still lost 0.9kg which means I weighed in at 63.5 this morning. I CAN FUCKING FEEL 60, I CAN FEEL IT! I almost feel like this is a true weight though. Like you know when you drop weight quite quickly, all it takes is one binge to take you up 3kgs. I feel like this is the opposite, like I've actually LOST the weight as opposed to just emptying out my body. It feels good either way. My legs are looking thinner, my collarbones are popping nicely. I had... somewhere in the region of 650 today. I'm actually sure that it isn't that much, but just to be safe. It was a Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte (148) and chickpea curry for dinner (consisting of half a can of chickpeas, 80g raw mushrooms, and prolly about 100 cals worth of tomato pieces, paste and sauce). I'm sure it was less than 500, but just to be safe. I wonder if I'll be in the 62's tomorrow? God, the 62's. It has been FAR. TOO. Long. When I see my friends again (I haven't seen them since Christmas, because I've been broke and exhausted) - they are going to SHIT BRICKS!
Peace & Love
Xo Xo
5 comments:
Thank you for taking the time to read my post about codependency. I think it's something worthwhile to look into for me. As for you, I think it reaches you to an extent. I'm not an expert, but if you want people to want what you've got, in a way, you're still looking for approval.
Congrats on the weight loss. I hope it's the "real" weight. You're getting so close to 60. I am rootin for you babe. Hang in there.
XOXO
I can't say that I've ever really thought about codependency. I think it's something that I would like to believe doesn't affect me but that in itself is probably a sign that I am so codependent but so in denial that I won't let myself see it.
And I know what you mean about losing weight instead of emptying yourself out. I feel like a lot of the time I am simply emptying myself out and fill out as soon as I eat something. Must feel nice to lose fat.
WHAT
how can you survive on that little sleep i just want to understand
"Hell, I suppose to some extent I still am, but it is not so much approve these days as I want people to be jealous of me. To want what I have. I want them to want my job and my life, my looks, my weight. I mean - that is the driving force behind my ED." sounds like i wrote it. omg. this is exactly what it is.
jealousy is one thing and also, the fact that I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES. i just need to be thin enough so i wouldn't hide under my shell of fatness.
not that i have. i've been a major ass lately. i've been cold and i apparently "cut" people with words now. fun stuff.
this is me. i believe i'm the best thing that ever happened in existence. yet i also want to die sometimes. it's strange.
FUCK YOU. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT.
i want to empty out my body. i actually have been eating loads but i feel like a lot of my weight is binge weight and i just WANT IT OFF ME NOW.
Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte <--this actually sounds so good i won't lie
"When I see my friends again (I haven't seen them since Christmas, because I've been broke and exhausted) - they are going to SHIT BRICKS!" this is why i like you, FP.
-Sam Lupin
WHAT
how can you survive on that little sleep i just want to understand
"Hell, I suppose to some extent I still am, but it is not so much approve these days as I want people to be jealous of me. To want what I have. I want them to want my job and my life, my looks, my weight. I mean - that is the driving force behind my ED." sounds like i wrote it. omg. this is exactly what it is.
jealousy is one thing and also, the fact that I KNOW THAT I AM BETTER THAN ALL OF THESE ASSHOLES. i just need to be thin enough so i wouldn't hide under my shell of fatness.
not that i have. i've been a major ass lately. i've been cold and i apparently "cut" people with words now. fun stuff.
this is me. i believe i'm the best thing that ever happened in existence. yet i also want to die sometimes. it's strange.
FUCK YOU. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT.
i want to empty out my body. i actually have been eating loads but i feel like a lot of my weight is binge weight and i just WANT IT OFF ME NOW.
Starbucks grande sugarfree hazelnut soy latte <--this actually sounds so good i won't lie
"When I see my friends again (I haven't seen them since Christmas, because I've been broke and exhausted) - they are going to SHIT BRICKS!" this is why i like you, FP.
-Sam Lupin
Well, I'm not a psychologist but I'm a therapist in training at the moment, so does that sort of kind of not count? :) Just a thought, could jealousy be counted as a need to be validated? I mean, if people envy you then you're at a place you deem to be acceptable. I hate saying this because I feel like when someone says this they're being an asshole but narcissistic personality disorder functions the way you described yourself, with that inflated sense of awesome, being on the pedestal, that you have to have the best of everything and yet underneath is a fragile sense of self-esteem. There's usually a fixation on something successful like power or beauty or even ideal relationships. Usually there's a struggle maintaining relationships and it's not just because of arrogance. I think it correlates with the self-esteem issues underneath. I'm not a professional yet and I wouldn't administer the tests anyway as a counselor but it's merely my interpretation of how you described yourself. Look into it, see what you think.
Xx
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