From My Phone

Blogging from my phone because I couldn't be arsed to actually pick up my computer right now. Right guys, yes I'm going to talk about Roy again. I found out today why he has refused to tell me what his exs name is. It's because it's our old neighbour, Shelly. The one who I constantly asked if he was seeing her and he constantly denied it. Just when I think he can't be any more predictable or disappointing. There you have it. Now please HEAR ME! I'm not upset about it. It really just confirms everything I know about him. Which is that he will never change - the fact that he hasn't manned up and told me. It's just weak. He is a weak person. Yet again, I have been burnt by people by having too great an expectation of them. That being said. I will never stop expecting the best from people. One day, I will meet someone or some people who live up to those expectations. The lesson here is to trust my instincts. Stop being weak myself and to stop thinking that people can change. It's just so very disappointing. On the plus side - what I do know is that she is dumb as rocks, short and has a fat ass. So actually I don't feel insecure about it, I'm just really disappointed that he didn't have the stones to own up. I shan't be seeing him when I'm in Cape Town. Unfortunately. He's not worth my time. 

In other news, I had an interview yesterday which went hopelessly badly. Like just so terribly. Whoops *blush*! I ate about 1500 cals yesterday too which wasn't great. So this morning I gained from the day before to 64.3. Which is a bummer. Today I've had 600 cals... Well 570 actually. I had oatmeal for breakfast (170) and noodles for dinner (400). Perfect day. I feel light and empty. 

Air & Solitude 

Xo Xo 

Fatty McFatsickle

That's my new name. This morning - 44.3. Gross. Today - 930 calories. Fatty McFatkins is me. Tomorrow, no doubt will be a gain. I'm sick of being suck a failure ALL THE TIME. Fatty. Fat piggy. I will try harder tomorrow. I have an interview tomorrow with a really cool company with a much better salary. No travelling though, but fuck it. I can go on actual holidays instead of fucking being too broke all the time to do so. Fucking bureaucrats. I won't be getting a raise like they said and apparently I won't be getting any commission from my last project either - WHICH IS FUCKING HORSECRAP. Basically, as soon as I have another job, I will be leaving my current role. Fuck. Them. My intake today consisted of a latte (148), a mountain of over chips (500), veggie parmesan (195), three plums (60) and some mini gherkins (20). I suppose the silver lining is that it is still under 1000. That's okay. I'll be in Cape Town in two weeks and then after that I have to find somewhere new to live, which I am seriously NOT amped about. But such is life and at least I'll have my sister here with me. :)

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

EEUW PIGGY!

I've eaten this entire weekend. Too scared to weigh this morning. Only had 126 cals today to try and compensate. I'm disgusting. I will weigh tomorrow. I hope it isn't too bad. I'm disgusting. I've got an interview on Wednesday, I just applied for a job at Google. Wish me luck. I'm disgusting. And fat, but mostly disgusting... and fat. 

Fat & More Fat

Xo Xo

Falafel, Say What!?

I am in a SERIOUSLY bad place right now with my eating - I can't seem to restrict properly, because I don't know - I JUST FUCKING CAN'T!? It's because I have to have lunch everyday and I'm choosing the wrong things - I weighed 64.3 this morning, so it's a loss - I'm expecting a pretty big loss tomorrow because *cough* let's just say that the gross food from this weekend has finally made it's way out of my body. I also cheeky weighed myself when I got home from work and I was 64.1 - so I think it will be better tomorrow. I keep consoling myself with the fact that I am actually eating a lot of veggies and fruit, so it's better - but it's still calories. ANYWAY, today I had a falafel salad (which is like... 330 for the falafel, 100 hummus and 165 for pita break = AT LEAST 600 for the whole thing - WHAT THE FUCK - "salad" MY PASTY ASS!!), a latte (149), skinny soup (126) and blueberries (60) so that's a total of around 1000 for the day. Please lose, please lose, please lose. 

I'm also lank obsessed with Alanis Morrisette at the moment... which is strange for me. I'm going to a British style frat party full of young 20 year olds this weekend. I know it's totally cougarish behaviour, but I shall be finding a cute British boy to make out with. Cuz fuck it. I need some attention. 

Thank you to all my lovelies... I LOVE YOU ALL! Remind me tell you guys about Hannah - this girl I work with - ya'll must KNOW. Will post about her tomorrow :)

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

A Gratuitous Post About Getting Fat And Men

So first things first, I'm disgusting and fat. I binged on Friday, Saturday and (really badly) on Sunday, Monday, yesterday and today have been alright but not great. I weighed 64.9. I.e. I undid all the good I've done over the past two weeks. I'm a GINORMOS failure. I'm so over being fat. I'm hoping that some of it is just food weight. Today I had a punnet of strawberries (120); a salad (200?); a falafel salad (300 - 500); a latte and chocolate almond milk (300) - gross. Just gross. It was mostly veggies and fruit today, but still. Calories are calories. I'm going to take tomorrow as my 'official' weight, the food has had some time to exit the body. So let's continue. 

Men - Friday, I ended up on a date with the beautiful ginger man with the beard - yeah. I was there for less than an hour and then I left. He farted at the table. DUDES, I'm not fucking joking. He. FARTED. At. The TABLE. What ever happened to respect and good manners? I'm not even upset about it, but then I went home and drank a bottle of jack while on FaceTime with Roy. I'm so angry with myself. I don't want to talk to him. He's like crack to me. Like speaking to him is my fix. I get so happy. I'm not even in love with him - I don't know what it is with me and that man. I swear - he's like a drug to me. I can't even say anymore than that. Roy is my crack. On Satuday however I had a lovely evening of drinking games with some friends, one of whom was the cousin of a friend, a doctor, young, cute - good manners, nice guy. Problem: he lives in Jersey. Mitigating factor: Jersey is really close and he comes here quite a bit. SO, I'm thinking I may just try and hellooooooooo *wink wink nudge nudge* "heyyyyyy" next time he's in town... I feel like talking to Roy has made me want to be more proactive about dating, because I want to have someone else besides being addicted to him. WHAT THE FUCK PIGGY!? Seriously.

Fatness & Fatterness

Xo Xo

What It Must Be Like To KNOW One Of Us

Today, I don't know. Today, I feel beat up by the world. I have had two significant thoughts which I have decided to share. I'm going to share one - I've never been close to any person that has an ED, I've never actually known anyone with what I would say is a persistent, habitual eating disorder. My BFF in university claimed to have an eating disorder, but I'd say she was just very conscious of food, went on one summer of extreme 'ED-esque' dieting, then gained it all back and has never had a problem since. I couldn't say if she had an ED or if maybe she wanted one. LOL - remember the days when we "wanted" an ED. Stupid children. I remember looking at pro-ana websites, wishing... praying for the strength. Anyway, the reason I thought about this was because at the moment I'm about 5kgs smaller than I was when I started at my company, I hardly ever eat in the office and when I do it's like... small snacky things. I never have the birthday cake, I never drink beer when we go out or order big meals at company lunches. I never eat the snacks on offer. I just wonder if a) anyone notices, b) if they do would they say something about it and c) what it must be like to know someone who had a habitual ED as part of their daily lives. I mean - for those of you that have boyfriends or families that see it on a day to day basis... I mean - how do they accept it... I mean - we know it's not good for us, but like. We can't do it any differently, I wouldn't know what it was like to eat freely or calorie count. Even when I'm not in control and am eating too much, I am conscious of it and hating myself for every uncontrolled mouthful that I take. Do our friends not say anything because they don't want to 'feed' the desire to be skinnier, because let's face it - when someone says "have you lost weight?" and you respond with a casual 'nah, just a skinny day'. WE FUCKING LOVE IT. I love it, it is the best thinspo in the world. On the other hand, I believe my friends don't say anything because they're jealous... It's probably not true, but it is true. Or they want us to eat so that we can be fat like them. I dunno, it's a pointless musing, but I was just thinking about it on the way home. A front row seat to self-destruction. 

Anyway, today with food I was completely unmotivated. I didn't lose a fucking ounce today. BOOM. 62.9kg. Two days in a row. I almost binged on lunch... and dinner, but I mostly rescued it. Considering that I decided to binge and then undecided. The reason I undecided was because I want to see if this plateau lasts three days in a row... i.e. what I'm going to weigh tomorrow without it. So today I had a soy latte (148), popcorn (88), mango (65), zero cal red bull (LIES! 4) and risotto cakes (500) - totalling 805 for the day... I'm feel like I'm forgetting something. Anyway, let's see what it is tomorrow. :) Wish me luck?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Today, Oh Today

Today, I'm not quite so tired even though I had only 5 hours of sleep last night, so I can probably tell you guys a little bit more about what's going on. So firstly, my weight. I gained FUCKING 0.1kg today so I'm at 62.9kg. I'm PISSED to say the least - and hopefully this means that I will lose a slightly nicer number tomorrow. I mean. WTF. So today, I have had a zero cal energy drink, two coke zero's, an apple (60), cracker crisps (95) and my vegan lasagne (500?), so that's definitely not more than 700 cals for the day. I've been racking my brain to figure out how much this lasagne is worth, but it is SERIOUSLY only veggies.  One sheet of pasta per dish and then like... coconut beschamel which is... about 1tsp of vegan butter, 1 tsp of flour and a quarter can of coconut milk - which is less than 200 cals in itself. Anyway, it's a fluke, it's a fluke, it's a fluke. It has to be. 

Now... the shit with my ex. TRUST me when I say this - I am not getting involved emotionally or any other -ally with him ever again. I'm not stupid. I can't be friends with him, I don't want to fall in love with him again. He is a non-possibility to me. I will never be able to go through what I went through with him again. It just ain't gonna happy. Katie, I promise :). I feel so detached from everything that happened with us, to a point where the semblance of love doesn't exist to me with him anymore. I don't want that. I have decided to pursue another man-straction (man distraction, LOLz get it?) - which is that Allan dude from a few weeks back. I don't want to date him, but I'm going to acquiesce to his request for a little casual funsies. I need some man distraction in my life. And since I'm too lazy for anything serious, I can definitely do casual funsies. I am most definitely going to find some romance in my life, even if it is hopelessly not serious. 

Work is still killer, but I am making slow, but steady progress. It's. All. Good. Anyway, so like... uh... I don't think I've got much else to say, OH. Except - you know how I'm like completely obsessed with the Biggest Loser (!?) - who the fuck ever thought I'd find my thinspo on there, but the winner of the latest season is underweight at the finish line. Go Google her - her name is Rachel Fredrickson - and just because we are who we are - she is my thinspo for the day at a svelte 105lbs. Go Rachel - from fatty to beautiful - bones and all in 7.5 months. *blows kisses allllllllll the way to wherever-the-fucks-ville-asee that she lives*

Bones & Bitches

Xo Xo  

And It Continues...

Today, I weighed a lovely 62.8kg - which is 0.6kg down from yesterday. That's awesome really. Today I have had... I'm not sure actually... I would imagine somewhere in the region of about 700 cals... maybe not that much, it consisted of a absolute zero monster (15), pop chips (95) and vegan lasagne (?) - the lasagne had one sheet of pasta, a shiton of veggies and some coconut milk beschamel. 

It's also pretty much the only thing that I have to talk about since work is crazy at the moment and today I had two stress-cries in the bathrooms at work. It's like I work with a bunch of incompetent muppets and I just couldn't handle it. I mean. Partly it is also because I am seriously freaking out about this going the same way that my last job went which resulted in me getting fired. Anyway, it is going to be okay and tomorrow I will be thinner SO by default it will be better. :)

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What The Sodding Fuck Have I Done?

I spoke to Roy... last night for five hours. And we spoke about everything, like... EVERYTHING. The fights we used to get into which were all too often physical, the crazy sex and drugs, the suicide, the pregnancy, the new girl who he refers to as the other who is is kinda separated from, but not quite. All. Of. It. And what was so fantastic is that I didn't feel anything talking about it. There was no anger, no hurt, no love. Just nothing. I felt so free. Then he started talking to me like he used to... like somehow he'd forgotten all the awful things that happened and... it was like nothing had happened. Today, I was completely distracted by it at work, not least of which because I am severely jet lagged still and unable to sleep. On the plus side, when I weighed this morning I was 63.4kg. Which is fabulous. Hoping for below 62 tomorrow. I feel like such an idiot about this Roy thing. He wanted to talk today... but I'm not going to... It will take me all of five minutes to fall madly in love with him again (if I ever stopped). I mean. The reality is that even though it's gone now he's still a completely awesome person... not like. AWESOME, but my kind of person and we get on well and it won't be long... He apologised for being an asshole and explained his shit with hindsight.. I did the same. Yeah - well I suppose it was cathartic in a way. Anyway. No more distractions or friendly chats with Roy. 

I'm so tired. I need to get sleep tonight or I'm going to lose my mind. 

Exhaustion & Emotion

Xo Xo

So Much To Tell...

I apologise in advance, because this is going to be a very long post. Firstly, my apologies for not posting in a while, I was in San Diego - and. it. was. amazing. I have resolved that after I have got my British passport I am going to try and move to California. I knew as soon as I arrived that I was amongst my people... the kind of place that I want to live. Man, there is just something about that place. I am going to San Francisco in July, so I am really, really hoping that it is going to be just as good. :)

So news from the trip is that I have been eating pretty much anything that I wanted, but on the plus side, I did run around last night. I did a sneaky weigh in with all my clothes on and after dinner and it was 65.5. So I'm hoping that tomorrow morning I will be in the low 64's. And then actually, it isn't that bad for a week of eating whatever. Today I had a veg pot, a small bag of crisps and two veggie burgers... I think it is somewhere around 1500, but I'm not sure... I don't think I'll gain anything tomorrow really. I also decided that I am going to try and do that Brazilian butt lift workout - because quite frankly, I'm starting to get concerned about my pale, cellulitey, flabby ass. I'm going to start it tomorrow. And perhaps some ab work. I can be 60kgs and have a great ass. It will be okay. 

San Diego also caused a bit of an existential crisis for me - a kind of - who am I, what am I doing with my life kind of thing. It reminded me a lot of Cape Town and the kind of person that I used to be. I want to be that person again. I have as a result decided that I am going to make some changes in my life. This was also partly because of the night before I went to San Diego - I got really drunk with work colleagues and made out with a married guy and somehow managed to end up with a black eye. Not my proudest moment. I have since decided that I will not be binge drinking anymore - except at home - no more losing my shit in public and certainly no more getting drunk with work colleagues. I am also going to ask for a raise at work, because I have more work than all the other producers and I am paid the worst. So it's time for that. I am going to try and angle it that I work in San Diego for three months next year - same company, just doing it remotely. If I can prove my worth to my company, I know they will let me do it. I'm changing my hair colour back to brown, because I'm over this bad ass London bitch that I seem to have become. I just want to be a normal chilled hippy again. I loved it then and I will love it now. I'm also going to start saving money. I have to if I ever want to buy a house and I need to buy a house before I leave the city. 

I also... sigh. Okay, so remember the physiotherapist that I hooked up with back in Cape Town. Well, he was in San Diego for a bit while I was there. He is having an existential crisis and he is staying with some family there for six months. Anyway, we had dinner pretty much every night that I was there and I was so jet lagged, it was very tame and nothing happened. And then on the last night we ended up hooking up. I feel like SUCH an idiot about it, because he was texting me and super keen to get together - not that I expected anything romantic, but I'm fairly certain he was only acting friendly because he wanted to get laid. I haven't heard from him since we hooked up. I feel like such a nob that I still get fooled by men like that. I'm not like sad about it or anything, because we already hooked up - I just wish that I men would stop disappointing me by acting like FUCKING DOGS! I did have a really nice swim with him and followed up by some hottubbing. I'm such an idiot. 

I'm really tired and got back to the office today. My new boss has started and I am positively SHITTING MYSELF, because the last time that I got a new boss, I ended up getting sacked because she hated me. I really hope this isn't the case with this one. I really hope that they just give me a raise and that I don't have to start looking elsewhere for another job, because I will if it comes to it. I'm not fucking around anymore - I want to start living the life I want and getting paid for the time commensurate to my abilities. Fuck it.

Anyway, enough of that. Wish me luck for my weigh in tomorrow, girls? I'm gonna catch up on everyone's blogs now. *Weeeeeeeeeee*

Peace & Love

Xo Xo