Fat Behaviour

This morning was a deeply fabulous 64.1kg, but then I went and did some fat behaviour. *sigh* Not the fattest of fat behaviour but pretty fat. For starters, I had spaghetti all'arribiata for lunch - which was a massive portion of spaghetti with tomato chilli and garlic sauce, obviously tons of olive oil. Wouldn't be surprised if it was around 800 cals. Easily. Then I kinda talked myself out of a big binge, but... I did kinda have more than I should've which was a whole jar of houmous (360), a whole cucumber (?), six vegan sausages (370) and a whole bottle of pineapple juice (500), so I've definitely had too much today. All I'm hoping though is that because it's all 'clean food' that I won't gain actual weight... maybe just some 'food weight'. wishful thinking fat, disgusting slob. TRY AGAIN!

I'm going back into beast mode at work again next week. If I own it for the next three months, I should be up for a promotion by the end of the year. I just need to put in the time and hardwork and it will happen. :) Life is still getting lovely and lovelier. I feel like Dr Dave is on the verge of saying something that I'm not ready to hear yet - so I'm kinda terrified. Anyway, no big deal. It's only been a month though and I don't want things to get all fucked up... 

I'm at home in bed at 8pm on a Friday and you know what? IT'S FUCKING GLORIOUS!! Is this what old age looks like? 

Skinny & Flabt

Xo Xo

Belated Goal 1/6 REACHED!

Six week challenge update - I finally got around to weighing my fat ass and I actually did it, I reach my first week of the six week challenge goal... i.e. to get down to 64.9 in a week. Okay, I weighed two days late, but I was at 64.7. So now I just need to reach 63.9 by Tuesday. :) It also means that I have to behave this weekend, which is hard, cuz I'm getting paid and I always have big expensive binges when I do. I will resist the urge though. 

This weekend I booked in a tattoo consult with Evil From The Needle in Camden to get my leg piece done, which is going to be flower/vines vibes up my leg. I'm too excited. :) I don't have much to say except that I'm happy today. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Sorting Out My Shit

So I'm still shit broke and fat... I haven't weighed myself this week because I know I'm fat. I will tomorrow though. I've reverted back to eating once a day and I kinda like it because I can have a big meal in the evening. It may be time to revert back to this. *sigh* 

In other news, I booked Pugsley in to get neutered and microchipped. Three months late, but whatever. The vet guilted me enough about it. I contacted the drivers license place to get my license exchanged. I renewed my lease on my flat which means that I won't be moving and my sister won't be coming to stay. Excellent. Basically, I'm getting my shit together. I feel great about it too. I just need to sort my flat out a little bit i.e. do washing and then I'll be on top of it. 

Dudes, once I get thin, I'll have everything that I need. I'm in a functional, albeit new relationship with a really nice man, who will be a doctor in less than a year. #catch. I'm managing to budget my paycheck a bit better so I won't be broke all the time (although I'm broke right now). I have somewhere to live for the next year and work is going well. I'm quite happy, I must say. :) 

I hope when I weigh tomorrow I will have made my goal for the week which was 64.9. I think I will have. I wasn't that bad. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I Just Want

To roll my fat arse over and take a big nap. My life is completely fucked with anxiety right now and I just can't deal. *cry* Legit. *cry*. And I'm fat. I have had 700 cals today, I forgot to weigh because I'm useless. 

Love & Misery

Xo Xo

Six Week Challenge - The Deets *contains sideline rant*

So a few questions on the six week challenge - the rule is that there is no rules. It doesn't matter if you have 6kgs or 6lbs to lose or if you just want to tighten up on your calorie intake or workout routine - the point is thus: By breaking it down into 6 weeks with 1 mini goal per week leading up to one mega pay off (for me, it's getting skinny again), I believe that we are making this more attainable. I was thinking this morning while I was walking to work that I need to ONLY lose 1kg by Monday. This morning, I weighed at 65.4kg - so I've already lost half a kg. So if I want to lose 1kg in two days and then coast, increase my intake a little bit (avoid a binge) then I will. Just one measly kg. I think that sometimes I focus on the bigger picture too much and then lose sight. There HAS to be a way to get back down to my skinny self and I've been trying for almost two years now and failing. I. Will. Not. Give. Up. 

Then a little message for some of the people reading and AIMED AT NO ONE IN PARTICULAR. I'm an old hand at this eating disorder game. I'm not thin enough to be ano, I don't purge (often) so I'm not typical mia, but what I am is A FUNCTIONAL PERSON LIVING WITH AN EATING DISORDER. My ED isn't a cry for help, I don't want to go into recovery and for all these years now I've learned to control it and function. It will probably never go away, but I'm okay with that. I'm no one's ana buddy, I'm not into childish ABCs or skinny girls, ballerina diets, 5 day fast, 5:2's. None of that appeals to me, because as a functional adult with a good job (and a boyfriend as of recently) I know that it isn't sustainable. I know that I can't destroy my life. So my point is - a lot of girls come into this fucked up little world of ours looking for attention, wanting an eating disorder to say they have one. This blog, MY blog is not that blog. This blog is about me and my life, it just so happens that my ED is a big part of it. ANYWAY, that's all I wanted to say. 

HOW AM I APPROACHING MY 6 WEEK CHALLENGE? I'm not actually doing anything out of the ordinary. Because it's only 1kg a week, I can actually have about 1000 cals a day. Like it isn't too much. I'd also rather do that because then I don't binge. Anyway, so I've been having very clean food with a treat here and there, but it's been okay. 

Today's intake - cereal with almond milk (150), butternut soup (135), dried mango (110) and avocado on wholegrain toast (330) for a grand total offfff: 805. BOOM!

Peace & Rants

Xo Xo

The Six Week Challenge

So myself and a girl from work are doing a six week challenge. Essentially what this entails is 6kgs in six weeks. Easy enough and it gives me a diet buddy. This morning I weighed at 65.9 so itnwill be a smooth sub-60 for me.

Anyone else keen?

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

No Idea, Really.

I have no idea what my weight is... I weighed at the end of last week and it was in the 66's. It's always a losing battle. Mostly, because I have been eating non stop in my lazy/happy vibe that I have at the moment. It's good, but it's bad. Dr Dave is still on the scene, but now I am getting uncomfortably fat. It just doesn't work for me. Welcome to my new followers, btws! I haven't been showing as much as is strictly necessary. I love you all. I will be better. I'm sure all the bloggers of the world know when you have a little away time. Anyway, not much to tell. This weekend was full of eating. I went to the cricket with a friend from work on Saturday and got raucously pissed. Ate a lot and THEN met David's friends. That was a total crock of shit, not least of which because his dumb bitch friend Katie thought I was flirting with her fiance - who is a FUGLY TROLL btws - and then she called David the next day to tell him as much. Fucking bitch! Come AT ME, BRO!? Anyway, I definitely wasn't flirting with him, but depending on whether or not I ever have to see her again, I definitely will the next time. Dumb bitch. 

Anywayyyy, today I had cereal with almond milk (150), i skipped lunch, cuz I had a bunch of m&ms (250) and a peanut butter cup (54) and then I had *cry* three slices of whole grain toast (230), a third of an avocado (109), a tomato (20) andddd *weep* popcorn (200). Tomorrow will be better. I promise. For one thing, no m&ms. No popcorn. No bread. LESS LESS LESS. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

I Miss

I miss starving myselfnskinny, I miss lokking at my thighs and thinking "damn! You dont look healthy  even if he says to me that I am gorgeous and a have a perfect body. I know it is never enough. Intake for today is 1200 . Fail.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

I'm Still Fat

What an incredible weekend - Friday, I woke up at 63.8kg. Partied all night and weighed in at 62.8kg when I woke up on Saturday afternoon. We went to Ministry of Sound too - so we danced for five hours. Saturday, Dr Dave came round on Saturday and all I ate was some sushi and dim sum... maybe like 600 calories total.and then we drank a bottle of jack... Sunday and yesterday, I binged all day. Then today wasn't great. I had a falafel salad with pita bread, cereal, a hot chocolate (vegan) and a sandwich. Easily 2000 cals I think.But then i did also play a netball match tonight. Not only was it my first netball match ever, but I also got player of the match! AMAZING, right!? Me, Fat Piggy Flowers. Player of the match. Anyway, so I'm hoping the scale won't be too unkind since I haven't eaten since the judo match. 

Probably won't happen. 

Peace & Netball

Xo Xo

1.5kg OVER-MuTHA FuCKEN-NIGHT!?

That's right. I lost 1.5kg overnight. WTF happened? I weighed 63.8kg this morning. AMAZING, but I'm fairly certain that I will have gained tomorrow morning. I hope not. I've been good all week... Today I had the usual: cereal, soup and pasta.. oh and one oreo and a salad (only rocket and tomato) - somewhere around 750/800 I guess. Tomorrow, I'm going to Ministry of Sound and we will be taking some party favours I think... So I need to look lovely and skinny by tomorrow. :-/ I hope I'm at least in the 63's still tomorrow. I hope. Say a little non-religious prayer for me? To the karma gods...?

Love & Rocket

Xo Xo