Staying Strong

Colbey came round on Wednesday, we had sex. He's being deported in April. So that's that I guess. I suppose his story is more plausible. We talked about it - he apologised. Nothing however in the days since then has changed. He hasn't texted me of his own accord. He doesn't want me. I have to leave this alone now. I can't be with someone who can complete dismiss me when he's having difficulties. 

HEAR ME, PIGGY - HE DOESN'T WANT ME, HE DOESN'T WANT ME, HE DOESN'T WANT ME. 

That fact is just destroying to hear. Absolutely fucking devastating. I'm trying to own my emotions about this. Let myself feel the pain and not be scared of the fact that it hurts. It's almost like - it hurts, so what? What's so terrible about feeling this way, it's only an emotion and like I know from Roy, it will pass eventually. Where I won't feel like throwing up every time I think about it. I won't cut myself or go to that dark place where I just want to take a fistful of pills. I mean, I'm already in that dark place. 

It's just an emotion. It will pass. 

He doesn't want me. 

It's just an emotion, it will pass eventually. I keep going to gym when I'm feeling like this, because I have experienced that after a long treadmill session, the endorphin rush does make me feel a bit better. For an hour or two, but at least it is reprieve from the soul destroying truth that in my almost 29 years on this planet, people just take whatever they can from me and don't care about it. 

How am I supposed to believe that existentially, anyone on this planet does anything selflessly if all I have experienced is selfishness - all of my friends, family and romantic connections only do things for themselves and drag me through the mud in the process. I am always collateral damage.  

He doesn't want me. It's just an emotion, embrace your pain.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

And Just When I Thought It Was Safe

I fucked up. Yesterday, I was at home thinking about the Colbey situation and specifically about the fact that I didn't respond to the last text that he sent me, which was the nail in the coffin text. I just blocked his number and his facebook. Like, just cut him off. Yesterday, I was feeling in a strong-ish place and so I sent him a message saying that I was sorry for not replying, but I couldn't deal. That I wished him luck with his vibes and goodbye. 

He sent me a text back saying he was the one who fucked up and that he was sorry he dealt with it the way he did. I replied to him saying that it was okay, I probably should have listened but that I was going to block his number because I didn't want to tempt myself to drunk dial him like I always do (LIKE I FUCKING ALWAYS DO WITH MEN - IT IS A FUCKING DISEASE!). 

He replied saying that he was sad to hear that, but that he understood and that he'd miss my drunk dials (at this point I started crying a little), but that I should do what I needed to do. I replied saying: "I really don't want to, but you're such a butthead." 

He replied saying: "Buttchin" - he has this weird dimple in his chin, I used to tease him about it. Then saying that he knows, that he is sorry but that law of probability states that it is unlikely that he would be a butthead forever. That I was awesome and pretty, and that I was very skilled at licking noses (I used to do this to him - lick his nose while we were lying in bed - don't ask.) (At this point, I'm starting to get confused, because WHY IS HE BEING AFFECTIONATE!?)

I replied saying that law of constant composition says that all things will always have the same elemental composition. 

He replied saying that caterpillars when they cocoon turn into goo and then reform as a butterfly, but that they had all the memories of when they were a caterpillar. 

I replied saying referencing a conversation we had had previously about us not being fully aware of the properties of energy in this world. 

He didn't reply. 

And then I fucking fucked up. I sent him a message asking if he wanted to come over tonight and "not talk" - if you know what I mean. And just like that my resolve over the past week has been shot to shit and I've just handed over the power back to him. 

He has not replied. That was last night at 9pm, it is now midday. 

When am I going to learn that no one gives a shit about my feelings and that when someone says they don't want me, I just can't change their mind. So I'm not going to text him, he won't reply. He doesn't want me. I can live without him. I can handle this, I can handle this, I can handle this. 

Peace & Fucking Love

Xo Xo

Picking Myself Up & Dusting Myself Off

So it's been almost a week since Colbey and I ended it. I still don't want to talk about it, maybe one day I will. 

Anyway, so last week, my friend Robin came to stay with me and she left today. I have to say, I am disappointed with her - she is an insufferable snob. And now, I know she doesn't care and I really don't care, but I feel like she spares no opportunity to try and establish that she is somehow better than me. She will say she dislikes where I like to hang out, where I live, says my job is not a real profession like hers is, she said this morning when I was telling her about how I want to buy a DvF handbag that it's totally normal to spend £200 on a handbag and that it's also okay to have a "cheapie". I'm not even angry about it really, I'm just disappointed. I don't know why she has to be judgmental about me and my life. If she cares about me as much as she says she does, I don't really understand why she feels the need to make me feel small. 

Which sort of brings me to another point - why am I the trash can for all of my friends to dump their shit on?? I'm literally a doormat for everyone. NO MORE! I am not going to be a doormat, emotional or otherwise. 

With Colbey now finished, I gave myself Tuesday to mope about it and then on Wednesday, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and decided to start working on my new years resolutions. I have joined the gym and have gotten back onto Kayla Itsines loosely. I am not going to go at it hammer and tongs, but I am going to try and commit to going to gym three times a week. I will have an amazing body. And I want to be fit and strong. 

Which kinda then brings me to my diet - I haven't quite got it totally right this week, but today at least I have had about 1200 calories and burnt 500 at the gym at least (not sure what weight training means to cal burn). 

Anyway, 2016 will still be the year of Piggy. Thank you for the kind words re: Colbey. 

I am calm, I am resilient, I can handle this. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

And That's It Folks

Colbey and I are finished.

I don't want to talk about it. But I just thought y'all should know.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

I SLEPT!

But not before I consumed another 400 calories, so yesterday's total was like 1200, but it was all clean - or cleanish. Which is the goal. It was essentially two ryvita and cashew butter "sandwiches". It was clean and I could've binged, but I didn't so I'm not gonna fuck out about it. 

And then I went to sleep for five glorious hours at a normal human time, from 12am to 5am. I slept. Which means that as long as I have normal amounts of caffeine for the next five hours, it should all be fine. It'll be fine. All will be well. BOSH!-ish? 

ANYWAY, so it will all be fine. Because, I slept and woke up at a normal hour, I've actually done work this morning. Fuck-to-the-yeah. But I have three weeks to do six weeks worth of work - YAY ME! But will get it done, like a boss. 

I'm aiming for about... 800 calories today. 

My bestest friend in the whole world is coming to London next week for two weeks and unbeknownst to me, she will be staying with me in my TINY flat. For two weeks - I love her, but am not looking forward that much to this. Great. Grrrrrreat. 

It means I'm gonna have to clean. Great. 

But I slept. Positive vibes. I fucking slept!! 

Yerrrrrrrs. As Mr Burns would say *excellent*

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So Basically, Blogger Can't Sleep?

So re: my last post - it would seem that we are all struggling to sleep like normal people. I haven't read too much about the links between anxiety, eating disorders and sleep disorders. But obviously there is one. (WHERE ARE THE PSYCH MAJORS?) We know that there is a link between anxiety and sleep right? But throw in an ED there, what's the conclusion? Anyone care to share...

So also from comments on yesterdays blog - yes, I know I am overthinking it. The thing is that I fucking demonise him. Every time I see him, it's almost like this huge sigh of relief. I build him up as this villain in my head and then when I see him, it's like - Nope, this one is a good apple. 

Neither of us could sleep last night, although his problem was jet lag. So it was a really lovely combo of cuddling and chatting. I'm so in love with that one. 

I still don't have a scale, but nutritionally, I think I'm doing a'ight. Yesterday, I had about 600 calories - but then this morning, fuck me - I was so uncontrollably hungry, I was like three seconds away from pouncing on a baby and eating it. I just couldn't. Despite that though, I've had biltong (70), chicken (140), two ryvitas (92) with cashew butter (120), pomegranate (46) and pesto pasta (340). So today's total still wasn't too bad at 808. 

I'm really hoping that when I eventually weigh, it'll be super close to 67. But who knows? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Not Sleeping

I can't seem to get my sleeping patterns in a place where they make fucking sense. I'm so fucking irritated. I will sleep normal sleeping hours and then be fucking exhausted and sleep through the whole day. Then, I'll be awake all night, rinse repeat. It's fucking annoying. And I don't have the encouragement to go to sleep, because I'll just chat to Colbey all night. This needs to stop. 

The benefit of this is that I have been eating almost perfectly (below 1000) and clean. So I have no idea what I am weighing, because I'll only get a scale in like a week and a half. So I just have to make sure that I stay on track until then. 

I worked out that my BMR (base metabolic rate) is current 1499 calories a day so if I make sure that I'm under 1000 that (they say) 1lb a week, which is fucking rubbish, but it does mean that I'll be at my goal in a few short months. 

I just need to not fuck up. Colbey is home tomorrow. I need to ask him about his ex girlfriend... the whole not-knowing thing is driving me fucking mental. Because, I don't want him to not be friends with, I want to be friends with her. Well, not really. But I have a sneaking suspicion that they broke up because he moved here, in which case unresolved feelings and shit. BLAH! Who knows. I just want to know... And I do trust him, I'm sure he isn't telling me because he doesn't want me to get jealous or upset, but not telling me is SO much worse. 

And then there is the other side of me that is terrified that if I ask him, he's gonna tell me that he still loves her, I'm a stand-in/consolation prize and that they hooked up on NYE. 

SAM LUPIN - WELCOME BACK BABE, we missed you. I missed you. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

2016: The Year Of Piggy

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! Okay, okay... I'm a week late. I know, I know. 2016 had a bit of a rough start for me. It all started when I didn't get paid for a contract that I finished in November - this was meant to be done. Basically, it meant that I was broke ass over Christmas and New Years, and was so anxiety ridden over the fact that I wasn't going to be able to pay my rent that I spent about eight days drunk as fuck. Now, I mean drunk AS FUCK. On New Year's Eve, I slagged off my plans and stayed at home and drank a bottle of vodka and blacked out. I have no idea what happened, but apparently I chilled at my neighbour for a bit, called my other neighbour 'creepy' (he is still freaking out about this, but that is a whole other tangent in and of itself) and drunk dialled EVERYONE in my phonebook - really, really embarrassing, not to mention calling Colbey (and this isn't a joke) 54 times. I can't even. 

Anyway, so I wasn't able to get hold of the company until work started on the 4th to find out if they were going to pay the invoice, but luckily they are, there was just a mix up with things and I will be paid on the 19th and won't get evicted. 

Now, what also happened was that Colbey and I have been chatting - a LOT - casting our minds back, my super handsome, lovely amazing fella is in Australia on holiday visiting his family. I didn't hear from him much at all until he got to his parents house in Middle-of-Nowhere'sVille, Australia. We literally chatted for hours and hours for about a week - more than we have ever chatted really before, at least on text - I was under the impression that he wasn't a texter and I actually still don't think he is, but he's doing it for me. And basically, all was really well. I'm still super in love with him. I kinda had a slight meltdown with him, because he was going on party adventures around the bottom right of Australia and I said to him that he didn't owe me anything and that he should have fun - hook up with other people is what I was getting at. He didn't really say he wasn't going to - I know he's not like that, but I genuinely did mean it. I just would rather adjust my expectations rather than get my hopes up about this being something that it's not and then be disappointed (HELLO ROY, YOU SLIMY BASTARD!). 

Anyway, so we started having this conversation and then I got all freaked out and stopped the convo. Typically, Piggy. FUCKING TYPICAL! I can have little emotional outbursts, but I can't actually have a mature conversation about anything. And then I barely heard from him for days, because he was travelling around (as it turns out, with his parents) - he did however spend New Years Eve with his ex girlfriend watching the fireworks in Sydney (did you guys see the videos on facebook - yeah, that's where he was). He was straight up when we first started dating that he was friends with his ex, and to be honest I'm not jealous. I know if he says that he won't do anything that he won't. It's just that if something does happen, it will all fall down like it did before (ROY, YOU BASTARD!). So all in all, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. 

Being super hungover, ashamed and convinced that I was going to let Man-Of-My-Dreams V2.0 slip straight through my pudgy fingers, because I'm irresponsible and just not good enough generally - I committed myself to making 2016 the year of Piggy! *strong arms* 

I also didn't act like a fucking idiot when Colbey did get back on wifi and started obsessively texting me again - normally, I might act like a needy, petulant, stroppy child needing reassurance - now, it's not Colbey - he is perfect and lovely, and he tells me - despite the fact that we have only been very casually dating for four months - that he loves me and he's stupidly attracted to me, etc etc. I don't want to go on too much about this, because it's kinda embarrassing and sickening how cutesy he can be. BUT - it's not him. It's that I have massive abandonment and trust issues. 

Also, I completely underestimated him - he is from a really good family, who are not bogans - despite what I thought - well-off, down to earth people. He isn't pretentious and he's adult. He is exceptionally intelligent and I totally thought he was a dullard. And most of all he has a really great sense of humour. And the thing is, I want to be the kind of person who would deserve to be with someone like that. Now this isn't a codependent, he's too good for me kinda thing. It's literally that I want him or someone like him to be proud of me. I want to put in the effort. 

SO a very long story short - this is going to be the year of Piggy - step 1, lose some fucking weight. My scale conveniently broke, so I have no idea how much I weigh, but by god, I'm gonna lose tons and when I get paid - new scale time. I'm also going to start being financially more responsible - i.e. save some fucking money. I'm going to stick with this new job that I'm starting in Feb until I get my British passport - no matter how shit it is. 2 years and 3 months. That's how long I'm staying. 

I'm going to abroad at least once a month, with Colbey hopefully. European probably, but I'm travelling this year. I'm also going to move out of my tiny flat into a new one. Maybe with Colbey, but if that doesn't happen also fine. I'm not going to fuck things up with Colbey like I did with Roy - moving too fucking quickly. 

So yes, my dear long-standing blogger friends - this will be the year of Piggy. World, watch out! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo