Staying Strong

Colbey came round on Wednesday, we had sex. He's being deported in April. So that's that I guess. I suppose his story is more plausible. We talked about it - he apologised. Nothing however in the days since then has changed. He hasn't texted me of his own accord. He doesn't want me. I have to leave this alone now. I can't be with someone who can complete dismiss me when he's having difficulties. 

HEAR ME, PIGGY - HE DOESN'T WANT ME, HE DOESN'T WANT ME, HE DOESN'T WANT ME. 

That fact is just destroying to hear. Absolutely fucking devastating. I'm trying to own my emotions about this. Let myself feel the pain and not be scared of the fact that it hurts. It's almost like - it hurts, so what? What's so terrible about feeling this way, it's only an emotion and like I know from Roy, it will pass eventually. Where I won't feel like throwing up every time I think about it. I won't cut myself or go to that dark place where I just want to take a fistful of pills. I mean, I'm already in that dark place. 

It's just an emotion. It will pass. 

He doesn't want me. 

It's just an emotion, it will pass eventually. I keep going to gym when I'm feeling like this, because I have experienced that after a long treadmill session, the endorphin rush does make me feel a bit better. For an hour or two, but at least it is reprieve from the soul destroying truth that in my almost 29 years on this planet, people just take whatever they can from me and don't care about it. 

How am I supposed to believe that existentially, anyone on this planet does anything selflessly if all I have experienced is selfishness - all of my friends, family and romantic connections only do things for themselves and drag me through the mud in the process. I am always collateral damage.  

He doesn't want me. It's just an emotion, embrace your pain.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo