Thank You & Goodbye

My loves. 

This has been coming for so very long, but I feel it is time to leave this blog behind me. I am going to leave it active for now, but it may disappear in the future. 

This doesn't mean that I am going to stop writing. I will be publishing on Being Disordered. This new Wordpress site will still cover my life, but not exclusively about my eating, weight and image. I feel like this is more of a symptom of bigger problems that I have and I want to continue to deal with these. 

But unfortunately, there is no one left on Blogger, so I want to go where my people are. You can always still reach me on instagram, facebook, here or Wordpress. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

It's Just Another Obsession

I have had a fitbit for all of two weeks and I am absolutely obsessed. I'm obsessed with logging my food and activities, and making sure that I hit those goals. Always. It's just another kind of obsession. 

It's not destructive in any way however, as I am following pretty closely to maintain a 500 cal deficit per day to lose 1kg a week. I have been allowing myself to eat sometimes as much as 1700 calories a day, but then picking that up with more exercise. I must admit, I do feel good - even if it's taking fucking ages to get skinny. When I say ages, I mean fucking ages. I am hovering around high 67's. I need to take an accurate weight tomorrow, cuz I got a bit drunk on Friday which fucks with hydration levels etc. I'm hoping I'm not enormously fat. 

Anyway, I do have faith in what I am doing... And most importantly, I am fucking looking after myself. 

Still vegan. 

FP 

"Once A Week"

... this is what I've told myself about my weight. That I'm going to 'weigh-in' - once a week, on a Saturday morning. Now, what this doesn't mean is that I'm only stepping on the scale 'once a week'. What this does mean is that I will only record weight as progress once a week on a Saturday morning. Along with my waist and hip measurements. I will of course weigh in every day, because fucked if I can stop myself. It's like that ritual... that thing we do (to quote eat, pray, love) to know how much self-loathing to take into the shower. 

I am trying to let myself eat more, but it doesn't always happen. The good news is that it has been around 1200 cals, which is okay. According to the numbers, I should lose at least 1lb a week. I will get there. 

It's been a few of good days. It has been a weekend of good days. I had 1200 on Friday through till yesterday. According to my app, that means I will weigh about 64 in five weeks. I don't believe that. 

Nonetheless, I've decided that my goal weight is going to be between 64 and 65kgs for now. This is based on how I currently look at this weight. (Which was 68.8kg on Saturday morning; 76cm for waist, 91cm for hips.)

I want to re-evaluate then. My goal is roughly a 70cm waist. That's all I really want, so whether that happens at my goal weight remains to be seen. My stomach is looking a lot better now that it's toned, so this is a whole new ballgame for me. 

Once a week, the lie we tell ourselves. 

FP

Like My Old Bony Self

I feel as though this is going to be a seriously long post, so I apologise and will try to keep it brief. To quote the eternal grandmaster of creepy, the legendary Mr Jack Skellington "I feel just like my old bony self again". 

This is not a reference to my weight though sadly, because I am as of this morning 68.8kg. Not great, however. I look really good. For that weight. I've been doing so much yoga that my body is starting to get pretty toned and I love it. And though I am tracking everything I eat, I am trying to allow myself to have 1500 calories a day with a goal of 1lb or half a kg loss a week. I have to eat in order to do well at yoga and that has become important for me. 

I plan to start training as a yoga teacher in potentially May next year. 

I can't quite describe how this makes me feel about my body and looks, but it is on the whole super positive. I do have days like yesterday where I netted about 600 calories, you know - where it slips sometimes. But that was one day out of many. 

When I was in university, I was fucking busy - I was always on the move and I loved it. I had 4/5 classes a day, I worked in the restaurant 2 nights a week, I was on student council, I went to judo twice a week and I partied like an animal. But I was in a flow state in life. I was happy, productive, motivated and just like in a good state. 

That all ended when my parents got divorced and about a year after that was when I started this blog - and as you know if you've read this for a while - it hasn't been the easiest few years. BUT, at the moment, I feel incredible. I feel productive and like my life is moving forward to a place I want it to be. 

I have a plan to get my citizenship here and then qualify as a yoga teacher and do that part time in addition to my job, until I'm qualified enough to teach yoga retreats in paradise. Like that's the next part of my five year plan. 

I want to move into a bigger house, so I can get a dog that I want to take with me when I travel. And I want to do that more. Travel, I mean. 

I've finally got an amazing job which I start next week doing what I love, exploring a new skill set, learning new things. 

I have decided that I no longer wish to pursue Chris. After spending the last few days with him, he's just not the kind of influence I need in my life. It came to me all at once, but he's negative and controlling. I think it will ruin this phase in my life. 

And finally, I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that this is the first time in years when I've been on prozac properly. It is night and day. 

I hope I don't sound like I'm gloating, but man - I wish I could share some positive energy with people. Because it really does feel fantastic. 

FP

The Peaks

For the last couple of days, Chris and I have been in the Peak District in the Midlands. Which is a hilly area in the middle of England. It has been absolutely wonderful in some ways and just frightening in others. We haven't been fighting, it has all been quite civilised and loving. Whether this is a sign of good things to come, I'm not sure. 

The good thing about the trip is that it has been active in the sense that there are a shiton of hills and walking up those equals calories burnt. The bad thing is that there has been regular eating, although not overindulging. 

I have decided that I want to be somewhat kinder to myself and not freak out about eating 1200 calories a day, because being that weight loss is a numbers game I will still lose this awful fat, although slower. But still loss. 

It's difficult, but I keep repeating to myself that my body is awesome and deserves to be fed beautiful nutritious food. There has been meal skipping and restricting... and obsessive calorie tracking, but one thing at a time right?

I weighed myself for the first time since last Saturday - another big step. 

I guess it's one of those 'baby step' things where you just gotta do small things at a time. The yoga of course helps because my body is way more toned than previously, so this weight doesn't look 'as bad' as it has previously. Additionally, going to a yoga class and not being able to keep up because I feel weak or feint is just fucking horrible so it serves as motivation to feed myself during the day and aim for a small meal at night (or no meal). 

Today is going to be a good day. 

FP 

Have You Seen 'To The Bone'?

What did you think...?

FP

Off The Wagon

I have fallen squarely off the wagon and it's due to the fact that I've decided to not drink for this month - I've been toying with the idea of not drinking at all ever again owing to the fact that I'm a terrible drunk, health, expense, etc etc - so instead, being realistic about myself I decided to buy a crapload of weed and substitute. 

However, with weed comes the munchies and I've been eating non-stop for ages. The last few days it's been controlled, but not controlled enough. So too many calories, but not overeating. Today also wasn't great, because hummus. 

Anyway, the veganing is still happening and I feel so good about it - it's great to live more cruelty-free, I really feel like it speaks to my values. 

Chris will be here in a week. That's. one. week. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fucking Period

Yesterday I weighed 68.1kg. But my period started. Yesterday I ate about 1300 calories plus a yoga session and today I'm 68.5kg. Period. Fuck. 

But today, I'm determined to not overdo it. Go to yoga and ride the period wave out. 

I will be in the 67s this week. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Vibing In A Positive Way

Today was positive. The scale said 68.4kg - which is excellent. I'm hoping I will be in the 67's by the end of the week, but I got my period and felt super bloaty by the start of yoga today - so fucking tits. Fucking tits. 

I have had about 1200 calories today, which isn't great - BUT I did an hour of flow class, which is about 400 cals burnt... allegedly. I also fucking kicked my yoga teacher in the face. Y'all don't believe me when I say I've got limbs that go on for days. Like, they are disproportionate. 

AND the big highlight of the day is that I fucking resigned. They weren't surprised, which fucking sucked. So here's the thing - this bitch fired me four years ago. She should've taken my side and she didn't. Now, me - being the vengeful person that I am wanted to go full psycho on her and kick some ass - tell her exactly what was up - but NO! Mutha fucker, nooooooo. She said she was "happy for me" and "what a great opportunity" - how the shit am I meant to be a bitch to her when she's all nice to me. SHE ROBBED ME OF MY CATHARSIS! 

... that aside, I'm incredibly happy that I don't have to deal with this company anymore. They asked me to work my notice, which is fine. I'm going to "work remotely" for a week next month and bugger off to the continent for a Eurotrip - I'm thinking I'm going to start in Talinn and end in Warsaw - OR start in Berlin and end in Vienna. Cuz fuccccck it. 

Anyway, so today was a good day. I'm praying for a nice (any) loss tomorrow, but who knows. I've started taking B12, because apparently vegans don't get this on a plant based diet and allegedly it helps with the metabolism, so I'm hoping it will go nuts and I'll get super skinny, super fast. Here's to hoping. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What It's Like To Have Social Anxiety

I sometimes just don't think that people without anxiety quite understand how completely debilitating it is or can be. In particular, social anxiety is one of the things that I struggle with the most (general anxiety also).  I have been reading a few posts of my fellow bloggers and thought that I'd say a few words about it, because social anxiety is a complete fucker. 

So I thought I'd write about a few of the scenarios which have been or are normally aggravated by my anxiety.

Normal meetings and interviews: I will literally spend hours (and I mean hours) dissecting what I have said to people in meetings or interviews. Going over each line and then agonising over something that I said or didn't say. Like even the smallest thing or bad joke will get me to face palm and just stress about how they must think I'm a complete idiot. If it's a job interview, I will attach myself to the tiniest thing that I may have said and just go - yup, that's why I am definitely not getting this job. 

Similarly, if I have a meeting or interview coming up - particularly if it's one which might be stern or serious, I will rehearse constantly. 

If I've had an argument with someone, I will not be able to sleep for I am so anxious. A few years ago, the day that I went on a two week break over Christmas, my company had our Christmas party and I got cornered at the party by a group of women who accused me of spreading a rumour about the finance director having an affair with one of the sales guys. I definitely didn't do it intentionally, but had made a flippant sarcastic joke in the pub a few weeks earlier when they were hugging each other goodbye - innocently, but taken the wrong way. I apologised and it was all fine. Over the Christmas break, I was a fucking wreck, because I had convinced myself that I was going to get disciplinary action over the event and get fired. I wasn't. It was never spoken about again, but it ruined my Christmas. 

A few months ago, I went to my regular Sunday night yoga class and the teacher wanted us to do supported handstands in groups of two or three, which required 1) getting into groups and 2) interacting with strangers on a relatively intimate level i.e. touching each other. I freaked out and ran out of the room to go "to the bathroom". I came back and they were still working in groups, so I got my things and I left. There was NO way that I was going to actually do that - what if I smelt bad, or I was heavy? What if I did it wrong? What if they thought I was bad at yoga? What if they were better than me? Too much anxiety and I left. (This scenario has happened to me a lot - in different forms.) 

When I join a group of people for whatever reason, I freak out. Do they like me? They don't like me? They're looking at my double chin. They must think I'm so fat. They must hate my accent. WHY DID I SAY THAT? God, I must sound like such an idiot. What if they don't like me? I'm not gonna go because they don't like me. 

Sound familiar?

69.3kg today. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I Am So Over Starving Myself

... but it's the only way I know how to lose weight quickly. Us ED types know that losing a pound a week is just not enough. 

My weight is gross, my eating habits are uncontrolled. I've been telling myself that I don't want to starve myself and that I can do this the 'normal' way by correcting my diet and exercising. But I just end up eating too much during the day and then I fail at night, because I'm like - well this extra 1000 calories isn't going to make a difference, so give me that jar of peanut butter. 

Today, I'm gonna aim for 800 calories. 

Thus far, I've had a small tortilla (122), a tiny avocado (100), free from cheese (50?) and a nectarine (63) and that's a total of 335 cals. I'm going to have a cup of coffee now with soy milk and then that's it till dinner. For dinner, I think I'll have the same tortilla wrap. 

This has been the most fabulously lazy weekend, I've done nothing. And my flat is kinda clean, so I don't even have to worry too much about sorting that out either. I may do some laundry now. 

A bit later, I've got yoga and I'm doing a double class - an hour and a half of normal and then an hour of restorative, which is almost better than sex. 

I'm meant to be video chatting with Chris later, but I just don't feel mentally like I'm in a place where I want to speak to him. So I might skip that. 

(Thank you Mandy for your comment, <3)

Loving & Loveliness

Xo Xo

A Triumphant Return... Sorta

So - where the fuck have I been? 

It's been three months... almost four since I last blogged. I bet y'all thought that I pulled a houdini like the rest of our online blog babes. 

Things have been happening and not happening. So I suspect this is going to be quite long. 

Chris and I have completely fallen apart. Like Roy, him and I are now engaged in this incredibly toxic on again off again weirdness which is just not good for either of us. But the stark truth of the matter is that I just love him so goddamn much. And I'm sure for all of you out there who have been with someone forever who is more of a soulmate, a 'one' you'll know why this is so hard to walk away from. 

Now I don't believe in soulmate, I think there are a million people out there for me. He however is one of the exceptional ones. 

Are there any military wives/girlfriends out there? 

It all fell apart when he went into training for his current job. It's like he switched off and although I logically know how he feels about me and that there is affection there, there is just no warmth or affection. I need warmth. And this is how it feel apart, because the lack of warmth has driven me to the very edge of my sanity. He knows it, I know it. After 10 months which granted have not been us being together he still does not say that he loves me. I think he's scared of what it would mean to love me, but what I feel from him is love. I am aware that this sounds delusional. I think it's a military thing, but I am completely ill-equipped to deal with it. 

Aside from this, I've been living it up as far as being 'single' and have been doing my traveling thing. Since I last blogged I have been to Bulgaria (lame), Romania (epic) and Israel (TOTALLY EPIC) - check out my instagram: @mynameisKeran. (Also cuz you'll get to see what I'm like in real life.)

So yoga - I'm still doing yoga, I still love yoga, I do it a fair amount, I'm getting strong and flexible (my arms are fucking lit). Do yoga, everyone should do yoga. 

I'm also vegan - I can't justify what the industry does to animals and the planet. 

Work - my company got acquired by the company that fired me four years ago (do you remember? Read here.) - and now I am reporting to the very same woman that fired me. My world literally went into tail spin. That happened about a month ago. The good news is that she/the boss has been super chilled about all of it and leaving me alone. So I've just been getting on with my own thing and because the company has flexible working, I've been working from home a lot and generally just laying really low. 

The most positive thing about it all is that I was made an offer by a tech company to set up their content marketing offering, so I am no longer going to be in event production. I am officially as of the end of August going to be a techhead. This is obviously really exciting. It does mean practically that I won't be traveling anymore for work, but it does mean that I will have more broad experience and come this time next year when I want to go remote so I can live wherever I want, I should be able to do just that. 

And I mean, that's kinda it for now. 

Oh... my weight. 69.8kg. It's disgusting. But a lot of that has to do with the stress of what's been happening with work and Chris. I am hoping to see Chris when he's back here on leave in a couple of months and I need to drop 5kgs before then. I'm already working on it. *watch this space*. 

Fat Forever & Optimistic

Xo Xo

Self Love To Loathing

Look, let's be honest. Sometimes life doesn't go as planned and sometimes you have to accept defeat and move on... Dirty Girl is no more. Chris and I are still no more (a fact which still makes me sad), I slept with this guy on Friday, which doesn't make me feel good but which ultimately at least gives me some form of confidence. I also went beserk on the weekend with drinking and food, I almost made it through my self-love week, so it's time to start again with the self love. 

I can do it. Self Love Day 2.1. YES! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Self Love Day 4

So self-love day 4... it hasn't exactly been difficult, but there have been moments where I'm like - I wanna go out on Friday or I don't want to go to yoga (cuz seriously my body hurts from doing it three days in a row and - I'll get to that in a sec), but then I've had to remind myself that if I can't give myself one week of self love, then there is a serious issue of self worth. I accept this is a seriously extreme way of looking at it, but I said one week of nutritious living (spiritually and physically), so I need to stick it out. 

Yesterday, when I was making dinner I did feel really powerful and nourished. I had vinyasa flow yesterday which always kicks my ass. Not least of which cuz I'm totally lost about 20 minutes into the class. Everyone is, it's not just me. The sequences are not what I'm used to and it's really hectic on upper body strength, which I have not. Which is also why I try to go to her class regularly. I'm aiming for six days of yoga this week, which is a lot for me. It's double what I normally do. 

Anyway, the other reason why is because I'm making time to make real food for myself - for lunch and dinner anyway, I don't eat breakfast. I did have a total headache yesterday, but I suspect that's sugar withdrawal. I've really been eating like crap the last weeks. To give you an indication of how bad it was - in the last four days I've lost almost 3kgs (6lbs) of what I suspect to water weight, because I haven't been hectically restricting (like 1000 cals a day net). 

I realise that restricting is not necessarily in line with self love, but neither is feeling like shit about what I look like. I just need to be back in my normal range of 62 - 64kg which I am not. Although not far off. 

I'm also absolutely terrified that my tinder date tomorrow is going to be grossed out with my because I'm a few kgs heavier than some of my pics - can they notice a couple kgs?! It'll be fine. I'll wear something baggy, but fabulous. 

I hate the word fabulous. 

How's everyone doing? Self lovin' hard I hope! 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

A Week Of Self Love

Following the breakdown of my relationship with Chris and the subsequent weekend of crying that followed (note: by Saturday afternoon, my eyes were so swollen that crying actually hurt), I also ate like a crapload of... well, crap. And I feel absolutely fucking awful for it. 

So starting yesterday, I've decided to give myself a week of self love. I've decided to go to yoga five/six times this week, to eat clean and give myself some pampering. 

Yesterday, I went to yoga and my muscles are so incredibly tight. So I figure a week of it will do me some good. I also ate clean, did my nails and washed some clothes. 

This morning, I woke up early to do a facemask and some hot lemon water. I've made a wonderful buckwheat salad for lunch and some lovely tomato based something for dinner. I have yoga after work, but my one other goal for today is to sweep my flat and change my bed linen (I hate doing both of these things so damn much). 

The latter two goals might have to wait till tomorrow, because I have to also do Dirty Girl work when I get home. 

So yeah, just cuz he doesn't want me doesn't mean I'm not worth some love and even if it's just me and the cats, I'm gonna get it from somewhere. 

Also, hallelujah for tinder, I've got a date on Thursday. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else right? Like 100% this isn't ever going to be a serious thing, but he's super complementary and sweet - he's Spanish and for anyone who knows Madrid boys, they're a certain kind of way which is lovely, but not my cup o' tea really. Which is a shame, because he's like 6'3'' and has hair like one of the characters from the Road to El Dorado. But as I say, it'll just be one date and then he'll have to be ghosted. 

Oh but also, part of the self love is no alcohol for the next few weeks till I go to Belgium (which is over Easter). 

Thanks to everyone here who has been here when the dirtbag boyfriends disappear. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

And She Sobbed And Sobbed And Sobbed

Chris and I broke up. For real this time - I have blocked him on everything and there is no way for him to reach me even if he wanted to. I also deleted my number and as silly as this sounds, I deleted out whatsapp chat - which is literally the entire history of our relationship. It's how we've communicated all these months. 

Last night I then went out and got drunk with that Italian guy that I was seeing last summer with the sole intention of sleeping with him. I couldn't go through with it, mostly because I got my period and I could have gone through with it, but I didn't want to. 

Then I got home and drank more port. And then I started crying. And boy, did I cry. I cried and sobbed and cried some more. I kept looking at the spot on my bed where he looked so perfect lying there. The realisation dawned on me that I will never see him again, I will never speak to him again. He is gone. He is not part of my life anymore and unlike the times before this, I know it's true this time. 

I will never smell him again (he smelled so damn good), so hold his hand or play with his hair. He is gone now. The only thing I have left are a few pics, which I've been weirdly looking at although I don't know if I feel connected to anymore, a few sex toys that he bought for us and a bunch of flowers which will die in a few weeks. He bought them for me on Sunday when he was came here. That will be the last time I ever see him. 

Today, I woke up and my eyes were still puffy. My eyes are still puffy. But I feel better - I feel like I've accepted it. I've accepted it and feel like I've got it out of my system. It's over now and I am okay with it. 

As that annoying song says, now you're just somebody that I used to know. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Anyone Else Getting A Ton Of Weird Traffic?

So I used to always look at my site stats... for the last few months (years), I haven't been looking at them at all. But I just checked them in now and in December they almost tripled and the last couple months since then, they have also been exceptionally high. Has anyone else got a ton of this weird traffic? 

Firstly, there is a proana site that refers - this blog is not pro-ana. So for anyone reading this thinking it is, it's not. This world is fucked up. This blog is my safespace. Don't be a dick. 

Anyone got any thoughts on this?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

And Then I Turned 30

So the last few weeks have been really intense to say the least. Everything to do with my visa and my birthday, and a ton of work. 

Here's the abridged version: 

- One of our major events ran in late February, it was not a success. The consequence of this at work has been overwhelming to deal with - when something is just so broken, where does one even begin to start fixing? 

- I went to New York for a meeting and this was mostly fun, but completely overshadowed by the whole visa situation which was a complete sap of my positive energy. 

- We had judging of the media awards which I oversee - this was absolutely amazing, but again - coordinating this amount of very senior people is a challenge and then some. 

- My eating has been out of control, mostly because of the stress I think. I've vowed to myself to stop this fuckery and eat better. Feed myself more. My weight is up, but not completely out of control. I'll be happier minus 5kgs. 

- I turned 30. On Saturday. For those who have been with me from the very beginning (2011), isn't it wild? I mean... I remember when Sam Lupin was but 15 years old. Not that there are many people left on here anyway, but I do really feel a sense of loyalty - like I can't just be one of the many who have disappeared into the ether. I suspect however, my time on this blog is coming to an end. 

- Dirty Girl is still going although I'm not sure how much progress is measurable. Now that the visa situation is resolved, I feel I can get back to this in a real way. 

- Chris and I are still together. I can't really say much more about this, mostly because there isn't much to say. We still fight, we make up, he's wonderful. I love the way he smells. 

- I am now officially a permanent resident of the United Kingdom and I never have to go back to South Africa. I can't even tell you how happy that makes me. All of this bullshit is entirely worth it. 

And that's more or less it. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

It's Just Incredible How Quickly Things Change

Things with Chris are over. As it turns out, he might be an actual psychopath. He certainly doesn't understand me, my life or what I'm doing. I think he's intimidated by me. The saddest thing is that I'm not actually that sad about it. I will miss talking to him, because he is whip smart and good to have a debate with. But he is a killjoy who has been stealing my sunshine for quite some time. 

That aside, things are still good. Dirty Girl is going really well - I mean... "really well" - we are getting traction, people are starting to notice it. It's not like I get a hell of a lot of website traffic, but all things in good time. I've seen a few readers from here have gone to check out the site and I really love you all for giving a shit about it. 

At one point, this blog was getting almost 8000 views a month, I would die if I could get Dirty Girl to that point. So, that's what I'm trying to do. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Work, Work, Work

All I have been doing at the moment is working. I work my regular 9 - 5 and then after that, I come home and carry on working on Dirty Girl. At the moment, things are moving forward, but they are moving forward slowly. I'm trying to figure out how to drive traffic to the website which is essential for being able to monetise later down the road. 

Anyway, check it out or like the facebook page if you want to help a sister out.

In other news, Chris and I spent the weekend fighting again. He is still not back in London, but somehow we are still together. He'll be back in March and then he's going away again for six months. Long distance is very challenging, but at the moment I am very focused on DGM, my visa and my yoga practice, so the distance is alright. 

I also at the moment have a bit of a weird relationship with sex, so the fact that I get the emotional comfort of him without being pressured into having sex with him works for me for the moment. 

I've been doing yoga consistently now for just over three months and I still feel strong about it. I feel a bit unmotivated about it this week, but since I've committed to a 12 month contract at this studio, I have to persevere. I do feel a lot better about my body as I'm getting stronger. I don't feel thin though. I am 64.5kg. And I need to get to below 62 and stay there. I feel proud on the one hand that I've more or less maintained this weight for about a year now. But it needs to be maintained at a lower weight. In a small way, I feel very focused and productive about DGM, and yoga, and that's been helpful for being focused on a healthy diet. I'm trying not to restrict too much, but even still it's been about 1000 calories a day. 

It's all alright. 

I'm good. I hope y'all are. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

How's THIS For Fucked Up

So as most of you know, I'm busy sorting out my indefinite leave to remain here in the UK. Yesterday, I wrote my Life in the UK test and passed by some miracle - it was harder than I thought it would be. Anyway, so after this, I made my way to yoga and was like an hour and a half early. So I just chilled out at the studio and started trying to book my appointment online. I wasn't sure about something, so I called my friend, Tam to ask her advice on it - she had done hers a year ago and told me a while back that when I do it, I could call her for advice. 

Anyway, so I called her for advice and we started talking about some other things, including upcoming holidays for this year. Now, this is where it gets fucked up. All of the friends have been invited to go on a trip to Greece in the summer, except for me. Because in her words 'don't take it the wrong way, but it's the couples'. So basically, I am now being excluded from activities with my friends, because I am not in a couple. 

Fucking. Bastards. 

I guess that these are the kinds of things that one needs to know to move on from bad friendships. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So David Texted

You know, David - my Jewish doctor ex? He texted me yesterday. Saying that he missed me and blah blah blah. And you know when at first you think - awwwww, what a sweetheart and then the story starts to unravel and through the flames you see the heaping great pile of dogshit that was the reason you broke up in the first place. 

Anyway, so he started off telling me that and then that his girlfriend is in the process of dumping him and poor little old him. I genuinely don't feel anything about the man anymore, so I didn't really care. I was trying to be comforting. 

Then it went to a weird place where he was telling me that I was better in bed than she is, that my boobs and ass are so great and that ultimately, he just wished that he had one more night with me. (Insert Piggy's reaction: I would sooner set my vagina on fire than sleep with him again. It was awful then, it's probably still awful and I will never sex that man ever again.) 

He then sends me a screenshot in which he had "accidentally" sent her the messages meant for me - one of which said along the lines of: She met with her ex cuz he was hassling her and now she's confused about him. I mean 2 and 2. (I.e. implying that he's confused about me.) (LIES!) (Obviously.)

He tells me what an ass she is and that she's not that great. I tell him that he deserves a wonderful woman and not to get down on himself, because she's out there - that he just has to wait for her. The patriarchy. Oh. My. God. The patriarchy. 

Anyway, I then didn't hear from him for a little while and then he texted to say that she confessed to cheating on him twice and that he was devastated. Then I didn't hear from him for another couple of hours and then he said he was so upset that he had been sick. Ok. Then that he had cried his eyes out, but at least she had confessed. 

AND THEN, the nasty little fucker said that he was devastated - that they had been seeing each other for nine months (and not four as he had originally told me) - I am inclined to believe this is a lie, because he had come to stay at mine that night in August or something. Anyway, whatever. 

THEN he said that she was like myself and Roy. 

End of conversation. So basically, one of two things. Either, his whole I miss you bullshit was just trying to get my to sleep with him or in some way to get his own back over this situation with her - which is fucking cruel because he knows I care about him and want to be supportive and friends. OR he's lying about it to make it sound more serious to illicit some reaction out of me. 

Either way, fuck that. The thing that has always annoyed me about David was that he always tried to play these little emotional mindgames with me, but he's never been good enough to pull it off without me figuring it out. 

I told him to go fuck himself. Sweet baby Jesus, it made me realise how glad I am that he's not in my life. I don't even think I want to be friends with him. I have too much life to get done to even bother with that shit. 

Over & Out

Xo Xo

Be Brave

My mantra at the moment is 'be brave'. I feel like I spend so much time being scared of everything and simultaneously doubting and overthinking everything. I need to try and force this habit out of myself. I don't think I can force the overthinking part out, but I feel like most of my challenges can be solved by just being brave. 

I can handle anything. Like, I almost know this about myself. I have been through a lot of shit and I'm still here. I just need to be brave. 

At the moment, I am still on a yoga/1000 cal a day diet. Which isn't that low, I acknowledge, but the goal as always is to not binge. It was all going well until my sisters birthday party on Saturday. I ate everything. Anyway, yesterday was fine. Today will be fine. Being kind to oneself includes feeding ones body with love. 

God, I sound like a self help book. (When I say lame shit like this, just know that it's for my own benefit.) 

I went to yoga twice this weekend and it's official, I can grab my feet in a forward bend. Not bad for just three months! (I think.) 

Peace & Glowing Energy 

Xo Xo 

Being A Dirty Girl

Silence is golden. Like the golden egg. You know, the one I ate? 

Well that's what silence means in this case. I've just been in a manic phase. It's so predictable how these things are connected to each other. In short - my hair is pink, I hate it. Why did I put this crap in my hair? So I feel a bit hatery about that. My flat is an absolute tip - which is both reflective of how I feel and an exacerbating factor in promoting the chaos. I can't really be a good human if my flat is in disarray, because it makes me not want to cook and make it worse or bother with what I'm wearing, because it's all just to chaotic to deal with. As a result of all of that, I've been eating like crap so feeling really fat and gross on top. So yeah, that's what the silence has been about. 

But the positive side of all of this chaos is that eventually, it will all come to an end - even though all ends are in fact temporary. Yesterday, I woke up saying to myself that I was going to be kind to myself - eat properly, go to yoga, wash dishes, sweep my flat. I did, despite the struggle and I felt like a new person waking up. I just need to lose a bit of my bulk now. 

Despite all of this, I have been going to and enjoying yoga. About three times a week. It's been three months now and it really does make me feel amazing. I'm excited to explore what I can learn to do with my body. 

I have also decided to start a company, well I have started it. It's a media company for real women, i.e. No beauty and dating. It is a bit feminist admittedly. But, feminism has always been my thing. It's called Dirty Girl Media (it's on Facebook and website is dirtygirlmedia.com). It's obviously in serious infancy and it doesn't have or make any money. If anyone reading this wants to write a post or two for the site, please let me know. Also, I'd love a like and a share on Facebook if you like what you are reading. So anyway, that's been keeping me busy, because I have to find content for it every single day and make sure it goes on Twitter and Facebook. All of which I kinda don't know how to do, but I'm learning. It's only been a few weeks, but I'm learning loads. 

Things with Chris are also good, he's been... affectionate. I love that, I makes me feel secure. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

He Grovelled, You Can Guess The Rest

I guess I should feel grateful that he came to his senses so quickly. It only took him two days. He called, he said he understood and that he'd try. He said he was scared of getting hurt. He said he didn't know what the future would hold. He said all the things I needed him too. People who still read this must be oh-so-sick of my constant man drama. To be fair though, I do think it's a once a year kind of occurrence - when I meet someone who I want to keep. The last one was Colbey and that was a year ago now. Colbey... who still follows me on Instagram. Check these apples, bitch. Anyway, I was never that into him I guess. So it's actually alright. I did love his body though. 

Anyway, so Chris is in the mountains climbing now until the end of the month, so it will have been a full month since I saw him last. Added to the fact that the weekend he is planning on being here, is my little sisters birthday. Her 21st. In South Africa, we make a big deal of that birthday. So I have to go to that and I want to, but it makes me sad that it might mean I won't see him that weekend. Anyway, blah blah girl goo. 

I didn't go to work on Friday, because I was too anxious. The anxiety is ruling my life at the moment and I need to get back on meds. I'm going to call my doctor tomorrow to sort that out. It's time. 

I've been eating badly for a whole week, I need to get back on track. I've had two good days this week. Two out of seven. Not great stats. I am too scared to weigh myself. I had a fine day yesterday and today should also be alright, so I will weigh tomorrow morning and hope for the best. 

I'm going to write another post about my anxiety tomorrow. Cuz this shit needs talking about. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Muscles

The first thing, I guess. Yesterday morning, I was 62.9kg on the scale, but then I had a huge dinner with my sister, which I knew I was going to have so I didn't weigh myself this morning. And when I say huge, bacon tater tots, gravy fries, chicken n waffles and a cheesecake sundae. I'm sure it had like more calories in it than I have eaten all week. I'll weigh again on Monday morning after two days of good eating. See where I fall, but anyway, I'm happy with my progress. The fact that I'm trying to stop drinking except for special occasions helps the situation I guess. 

The next thing relates to the above mentioned massive meal - because I have been doing yoga regularly, like three or four times a week for the past few months, I am growing what I assume are muscles. Now y'all know me - I FUCKING LOATHE exercising. I don't do it, I don't like it, I never stick to it. But, I'm getting some actual muscles, not like hectically, but I can see that they are forming. And the difference now is that when I have a big binge night like I did last night, I don't actually look that bloated the next day. Like maybe a little puffier, but I don't look pregnant like I used to before I started doing it. I'm pretty chuffed about the whole thing. 

The last thing - I dumped Chris. It hurts, I've been crying and being pathetic. I'm going to be strong though - I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to have self respect. This will only hurt for two weeks. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

You Just Can't Control Everything

It's just a fundamental truth about people that I need to fucking learn at some point in my life. And really learn it, because I know it's true, but somehow I always think that I can control people and that if I orchestrate everything just perfectly, then it will all work out the way I want it to. 

This is not true. 

Chris is an emotional wreck. And when I say emotional, I mean unemotional. His own feelings or maybe it is the lack thereof totally freaks him out. He seems to have got the idea through his head that we need to figure out if we are now an official thing forever and ever. Obviously, this is ridiculous to me. And what makes me even more pissed off about it is that I've been trying so very hard to not have to deal with this question with him, because I don't think he wants to answer it. I don't want to answer it. 

The consequence of all of this is that we are teetering towards the end, I think. He can't have a conversation with me anymore and I'm expected to just wait while he figures it out or to walk away. 

We know that I have no self respect and won't walk away even though I know I should. 

We had yet another conversation about this yesterday and after poking and prodding, he needs space to decide. (I don't know how this has happened, I can only assume it's my total control freakness that has caused this, I'm pretty sure it is somehow my fault...) I can't wait around for too long for this to happen, because the anxiety is torturing me. 

I have felt physically ill about this since the 30th. Nauseous for a week over it. I'm such a fucking idiot. The good thing is that I don't want to eat, so weight is dropping nicely (63.3) this morning. This however is not a good thing. I don't believe one should have a physical reaction to someone. 

I'm giving him until Sunday. And even if he's walking away cuz it's all too much for him, I will maintain some dignity in this case. I can do this. Despite the fact that somehow I am loyal to people who really don't deserve it and to people like this who just hurt me. 

This will hurt for two weeks. And then it will be fine. I will be fine. I've survived a lot worse than this. 

Love & Emptiness 

Xo Xo 

2017

New year... again. 

I am really out of insightful things to say about the fact that we have made one more revolution of the sun. Perhaps this will be my last in England, perhaps it will be my last alive, who knows really? 

My immediate resolutions are to be a better person, to only drink alcohol once a month, to stop smoking entirely (I've been working on these last two for a while already, so hopefully won't be too traumatic), to continue with my yoga practice (this qualifies as twice a week and after almost two months, this is going well) and a few other small ones. 

An important one is obviously to keep the disorder until control, to not let my weight fluctuate too much, get it and keep it under 62 (currently 63.9kg), not starve myself and eat clean, whole foods - give up the sugar. Again, these are things I've been working on for a while. My current sugar problem is that it's freezing cold and at night I want a hot drink that is comforting, but not with caffeine. And that's been low cal hot chocolate. That however is only 3g of sugar. Although still too much really. 

I think I'm going to end things with Chris. He's not good for me. Another one bites the dust. He doesn't speak my love language and really doesn't want to learn. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo