It's Just Incredible How Quickly Things Change

Things with Chris are over. As it turns out, he might be an actual psychopath. He certainly doesn't understand me, my life or what I'm doing. I think he's intimidated by me. The saddest thing is that I'm not actually that sad about it. I will miss talking to him, because he is whip smart and good to have a debate with. But he is a killjoy who has been stealing my sunshine for quite some time. 

That aside, things are still good. Dirty Girl is going really well - I mean... "really well" - we are getting traction, people are starting to notice it. It's not like I get a hell of a lot of website traffic, but all things in good time. I've seen a few readers from here have gone to check out the site and I really love you all for giving a shit about it. 

At one point, this blog was getting almost 8000 views a month, I would die if I could get Dirty Girl to that point. So, that's what I'm trying to do. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Work, Work, Work

All I have been doing at the moment is working. I work my regular 9 - 5 and then after that, I come home and carry on working on Dirty Girl. At the moment, things are moving forward, but they are moving forward slowly. I'm trying to figure out how to drive traffic to the website which is essential for being able to monetise later down the road. 

Anyway, check it out or like the facebook page if you want to help a sister out.

In other news, Chris and I spent the weekend fighting again. He is still not back in London, but somehow we are still together. He'll be back in March and then he's going away again for six months. Long distance is very challenging, but at the moment I am very focused on DGM, my visa and my yoga practice, so the distance is alright. 

I also at the moment have a bit of a weird relationship with sex, so the fact that I get the emotional comfort of him without being pressured into having sex with him works for me for the moment. 

I've been doing yoga consistently now for just over three months and I still feel strong about it. I feel a bit unmotivated about it this week, but since I've committed to a 12 month contract at this studio, I have to persevere. I do feel a lot better about my body as I'm getting stronger. I don't feel thin though. I am 64.5kg. And I need to get to below 62 and stay there. I feel proud on the one hand that I've more or less maintained this weight for about a year now. But it needs to be maintained at a lower weight. In a small way, I feel very focused and productive about DGM, and yoga, and that's been helpful for being focused on a healthy diet. I'm trying not to restrict too much, but even still it's been about 1000 calories a day. 

It's all alright. 

I'm good. I hope y'all are. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

How's THIS For Fucked Up

So as most of you know, I'm busy sorting out my indefinite leave to remain here in the UK. Yesterday, I wrote my Life in the UK test and passed by some miracle - it was harder than I thought it would be. Anyway, so after this, I made my way to yoga and was like an hour and a half early. So I just chilled out at the studio and started trying to book my appointment online. I wasn't sure about something, so I called my friend, Tam to ask her advice on it - she had done hers a year ago and told me a while back that when I do it, I could call her for advice. 

Anyway, so I called her for advice and we started talking about some other things, including upcoming holidays for this year. Now, this is where it gets fucked up. All of the friends have been invited to go on a trip to Greece in the summer, except for me. Because in her words 'don't take it the wrong way, but it's the couples'. So basically, I am now being excluded from activities with my friends, because I am not in a couple. 

Fucking. Bastards. 

I guess that these are the kinds of things that one needs to know to move on from bad friendships. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So David Texted

You know, David - my Jewish doctor ex? He texted me yesterday. Saying that he missed me and blah blah blah. And you know when at first you think - awwwww, what a sweetheart and then the story starts to unravel and through the flames you see the heaping great pile of dogshit that was the reason you broke up in the first place. 

Anyway, so he started off telling me that and then that his girlfriend is in the process of dumping him and poor little old him. I genuinely don't feel anything about the man anymore, so I didn't really care. I was trying to be comforting. 

Then it went to a weird place where he was telling me that I was better in bed than she is, that my boobs and ass are so great and that ultimately, he just wished that he had one more night with me. (Insert Piggy's reaction: I would sooner set my vagina on fire than sleep with him again. It was awful then, it's probably still awful and I will never sex that man ever again.) 

He then sends me a screenshot in which he had "accidentally" sent her the messages meant for me - one of which said along the lines of: She met with her ex cuz he was hassling her and now she's confused about him. I mean 2 and 2. (I.e. implying that he's confused about me.) (LIES!) (Obviously.)

He tells me what an ass she is and that she's not that great. I tell him that he deserves a wonderful woman and not to get down on himself, because she's out there - that he just has to wait for her. The patriarchy. Oh. My. God. The patriarchy. 

Anyway, I then didn't hear from him for a little while and then he texted to say that she confessed to cheating on him twice and that he was devastated. Then I didn't hear from him for another couple of hours and then he said he was so upset that he had been sick. Ok. Then that he had cried his eyes out, but at least she had confessed. 

AND THEN, the nasty little fucker said that he was devastated - that they had been seeing each other for nine months (and not four as he had originally told me) - I am inclined to believe this is a lie, because he had come to stay at mine that night in August or something. Anyway, whatever. 

THEN he said that she was like myself and Roy. 

End of conversation. So basically, one of two things. Either, his whole I miss you bullshit was just trying to get my to sleep with him or in some way to get his own back over this situation with her - which is fucking cruel because he knows I care about him and want to be supportive and friends. OR he's lying about it to make it sound more serious to illicit some reaction out of me. 

Either way, fuck that. The thing that has always annoyed me about David was that he always tried to play these little emotional mindgames with me, but he's never been good enough to pull it off without me figuring it out. 

I told him to go fuck himself. Sweet baby Jesus, it made me realise how glad I am that he's not in my life. I don't even think I want to be friends with him. I have too much life to get done to even bother with that shit. 

Over & Out

Xo Xo

Be Brave

My mantra at the moment is 'be brave'. I feel like I spend so much time being scared of everything and simultaneously doubting and overthinking everything. I need to try and force this habit out of myself. I don't think I can force the overthinking part out, but I feel like most of my challenges can be solved by just being brave. 

I can handle anything. Like, I almost know this about myself. I have been through a lot of shit and I'm still here. I just need to be brave. 

At the moment, I am still on a yoga/1000 cal a day diet. Which isn't that low, I acknowledge, but the goal as always is to not binge. It was all going well until my sisters birthday party on Saturday. I ate everything. Anyway, yesterday was fine. Today will be fine. Being kind to oneself includes feeding ones body with love. 

God, I sound like a self help book. (When I say lame shit like this, just know that it's for my own benefit.) 

I went to yoga twice this weekend and it's official, I can grab my feet in a forward bend. Not bad for just three months! (I think.) 

Peace & Glowing Energy 

Xo Xo 

Being A Dirty Girl

Silence is golden. Like the golden egg. You know, the one I ate? 

Well that's what silence means in this case. I've just been in a manic phase. It's so predictable how these things are connected to each other. In short - my hair is pink, I hate it. Why did I put this crap in my hair? So I feel a bit hatery about that. My flat is an absolute tip - which is both reflective of how I feel and an exacerbating factor in promoting the chaos. I can't really be a good human if my flat is in disarray, because it makes me not want to cook and make it worse or bother with what I'm wearing, because it's all just to chaotic to deal with. As a result of all of that, I've been eating like crap so feeling really fat and gross on top. So yeah, that's what the silence has been about. 

But the positive side of all of this chaos is that eventually, it will all come to an end - even though all ends are in fact temporary. Yesterday, I woke up saying to myself that I was going to be kind to myself - eat properly, go to yoga, wash dishes, sweep my flat. I did, despite the struggle and I felt like a new person waking up. I just need to lose a bit of my bulk now. 

Despite all of this, I have been going to and enjoying yoga. About three times a week. It's been three months now and it really does make me feel amazing. I'm excited to explore what I can learn to do with my body. 

I have also decided to start a company, well I have started it. It's a media company for real women, i.e. No beauty and dating. It is a bit feminist admittedly. But, feminism has always been my thing. It's called Dirty Girl Media (it's on Facebook and website is dirtygirlmedia.com). It's obviously in serious infancy and it doesn't have or make any money. If anyone reading this wants to write a post or two for the site, please let me know. Also, I'd love a like and a share on Facebook if you like what you are reading. So anyway, that's been keeping me busy, because I have to find content for it every single day and make sure it goes on Twitter and Facebook. All of which I kinda don't know how to do, but I'm learning. It's only been a few weeks, but I'm learning loads. 

Things with Chris are also good, he's been... affectionate. I love that, I makes me feel secure. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo