The First Day

Well I managed to get through the first day of successful restricting and now it is almost 3pm on day two. It is so fucking weird that this is like teaching myself to eat less again. Like, I've only been properly restricting for a year now, why is this so hard. I'm thinking though that if I behave i may be able to see 50's again by Monday. I have so much work to do, but I ordered this long sleeve lace dress and I'm determined to look amazing in it. So fuck food. I don't want to ever eat again. I can't believe how fat my face has gotten in the past few weeks. It just goes to show that if you don't pay constant attention to these things they will bite you in the ass. But making that ass fat. Fuck that.

I had a bit of a sad lonely almost cry about my ex again last night. You know, I remember thinking a couple of months ago that there will come a time in my life when he literally will just be someone that I dated briefly, and despite the fact that it still hurts everyday, it is starting to become like that. I look at pics of him now. And its just like so much has changed since we were happy. Oh well. I guess that chapter of my life truly is over now and I have other things to look forward to. *sigh*

Coco is helping me today. She is so strong for me when I need her to be. Unbelievable. I walk around London, in high heels, this is my new things, heels always. My feet need to get used to it and let me tell you. The blisters that I have on my feet are not natural. Anyway, so I walk around feeling like a total rockstar most of the time. Its like I want people to look at me. Its funny, because even though I have moved on from my old life, I still feel like I'm standing in the middle of a huge crowd screaming for someone to notice me. Maybe people just get tired of people like us. People with drama. Maybe. I'm just really tired to needing people to notice me to feel like I exist. I guess this post doesn't really make all that much sense, but I dunno. Sometimes I feel like its all just useless. And that no matter how hard I try, I will always have to try harder. The effort involved in that, makes it seem completely useless. Worthless. Pointless. Emo much? I'm listening to the Used. 'nuff said.

Blue & Yellow
Xo Xo

WWCD?

So I weigh 62. That's the awful truth. My thighs are enormous. I can't stop eating. I just want want want. What is up with everyone at the moment? We are all eating. I've been too ashamed to even write anything on this blog anymore, because I'm so disgusted with myself at how fat I am. I have however decided that my new UGW is going to be 50kg. Skinny, yes... Today, I've had way too many calories, but good calories since there hasn't been too much in the way of carbs and sugar. I've had two pears, three cups of coffee with milk and honey, roast chicken, lettuce, avo, tomato and rocket salad with a tiny bit of mayonaise. So I'm learning again. Oh yes, and an orange. I'm learning again how to eat less. Fuck, how stupid is it after ages of restricting and getting thinner, it can all get thrown away just like that. Without warning, one day you'll just start eating. And i can see the fat. I can see it. I hope to be under 60 by the end of next week. 4lbs in a week and a bit. I can totally do this. I figured I'd just stay as raw as possible and low fat, low carb. My body is so fat. Before, I was not scared to wear things that hugged my stomach. I feel like I've backslid into that Piggy that hated everything. That just didn't like what she saw, and even though I didn't hate when I was *cry* 10lbs less. Well. 6 weeks of pretty much nonstop binging. I guess 10lbs isn't the end of the world. But fuck it's disgusting. This is it. COME ON BITCHES, WHAT WOULD COCO DO?

FTW & Love

Xo Xo

TODAY! - Enough NOW!

Guys, the absolute worst thing on the planet that could ever happen to a person happened to me yesterday. I went out to watch the rugby with friends of mine and they actually told me that I looked better having put on some weight. What. The. Fuck. Firstly, they both know about my issues, why would you ever say that you actually notice how fat I am. And secondly, goddammit! You know sometimes when you put on a bit of weight, you hope that no one actually notices. I don't want to look normal, I want to be skinny. Sick looking. Skinny. So today, mark my words, TODAY! I am starting today, tomorrow and Tuesday with a fruit fast. Only tea with a teeny bit of milk and fruit. Then Wednesday through Saturday will be 600 cal days. I'm weighing in tomorrow morning to see exactly what the damage is. Hopefully I won't have a heart attack when I get on the scale.

In other news, I'm fat and i can't concentrate on anything else.

Fuck it & Love
Xo Xo

How Is This Possible?

I am enormous. So huge in fact that I'm sure my thighs have doubled in size. To be fair I have been stoning since I got back to London on Sunday. Tomorrow is the girls night and i'm nowhere near thin enough and all I want is to eat. But I can't because otherwise I'm going to be a fatter uglier piglet than I could possibly be after two good days. I don't even want to weigh myself. I'm listening to really sad sad music at the moment, reflective of this bullshit disgusting self-control ABSENT state of being that I currently find myself in. Coco is absolutely furious with Piggy for being so disgusting. Awful, AWFUL, AWFUL.

Thoughts of CrapBag are becoming less frequent... which is really strange. For once I have gone almost a whole week without pity crying about it, but now this has been replaced with pity eating. Or happy eating. I don't know. Anyway, Grem and I have to move at the end of the month since my landlady isn't happy about me having Gremlin. Oh well. I wanted to move anyway.

Today I had about 600 cals so far and I'm going to bed now. Fuck that.

28D36D89 & Love
Xo Xo

Fucking Nay-Sayers

You know, I have this friend who is all up my ass, all the mother fucken time. She is the most negative, cynical person that I know. Worse than even my own fucking mother. She will say no, do this. Do that. don't do that. She is also fucking so shallow when it comes to men. Like every guy I've ever dated, she has told me he was ugly. Every guy that wants to date me, she will call him ugly as well. And let me tell you. She is no fucking oil painting. She is such a fucking cunt sometimes. Like now, I was telling her about this guy from South Africa, anyway, she stalked him on facebook and proceeded to tell me how shit looking he is. And remember I said I want to write a novel, well... I've kinda decided what its going to be about etc, and she fucking goes and rips into that idea as well. Just because her life is fucking miserable and useless and she doesn't have an inch of sparkle in her pathetic life, does not mean that I am like that. FUCK HER. What. A. Cunt.

Anyway, in other news. I am leaving to go home, back to London in two short hours. Thank mutha fucken christ on a bike. I am so done with this place. And I am still fat. I had a good day on Friday, then drank a bottle of whiskey and fucked things up with the Northerner boy by telling him that I had a crush on him. And then had an epic binge day yesterday. Today is just going to be fruit. Although, I am going to get some bud later, so that may induce the munchies. I can't WAIT to be back in my flat. I can't wait to be back in London, I miss it so much. Never thought I'd say that. :) BOOM!

Is anyone still doing the challenge, because we're into month two now. I'm going to change the stats page to only have starting weight and then the most current weight. Because otherwise the table is too big. Month two <3 Love to all my piglets. Welcome to new followers as well.

Oh so my novel. I want to write a book called 'go get fucked' and its going to be a version of my relationship with my ex. All the dirty details and I mean ALL. The drugs, the sex, the cheating, the gay stuff all of it. Starting from the night we first hooked up and ending with my second suicide attempt, except I die in the book. It isn't going to be a self-help or get better eat.pray.love bullshit book. I want it to be a raw party book with no moral. Just telling of a really fucked story. Think Californication. That kind of fucked up bullshit. Yes. We. Can. What dyou ya'll think.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo