Atheist Philosophy.

I sometimes wonder sometimes like - what is the point of this all? You know how we are surrounded by all of this social media and advertising that tells us that happiness is a choice. A choice. Magically, we will always find fault in our lives and the situation that surrounds us dictates that there is always something to be unhappy about. That we need to see the bigger picture in order for minutia to be brushed over. This of course begs the conclusion that we know that things will always be shit. That we know that we have to let certain things go in order to follow through with our decision to be 'happy'. 

We have to make a conscious effort to be happy despite knowing better - and does that mean that our lives are essentially a pointless collection of 'making the most of it', 'taking it on the chin', 'stiff upper lip', 'find the silver lining' moments where despite knowing that it is all for nothing and that in the end we will die just as miserably as we have lived - we 'choose' to soldier on. Sometimes I just don't want to partake in this sick game that the universe is playing. Make the most of it and then you die as if you never lived.

The sick reality of this world without a god is that there is absolutely no point to our existence. What. So. Ever. Whatever motivation in this world we choose to subscribe to is pointless in the end. We can amass wealth, start a family, have the most happy relationship, build an empire - for what conceivable purpose? To have the comfort of knowing that once we die, we will be remembered? How illogical - to provide comfort to oneself while one is alive that once one is dead, one will still be remembered, but one won't find any comfort in this fact truly since once one is dead - one is dead. We won't know any better - we won't be comforted by anything - we won't even have to be worried about being comforted or not, because we won't be here. 

All of it comes to nothing. Once you die. It's lights out. I mean - that's it. If you don't believe in an afterlife, life after death in a religious sense then why the fuck are we here trying out best, working to pay the rent if we could die right now and it would be no more or less significant than if we waited 40 years. 

If a bully in real life was forcing you to do something so that in the end, they could play a prank on you *BAZINGA* - YOU wouldn't partake in the game to begin with. No one wants to be made fun of, but what is life other than one big prank? The punchline: And then you die and it was all for nothing. 

It's a sick, SICK game. I don't want to play.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Eating Disorder Anonymous?

I have a friend who is currently going through AA - working the steps as it were - and I started wondering if there is anyone who has connected with EDA in the US or internationally. I'm not entirely sure what my fascination with these types of support groups. In a way, I wish that I had people that I could talk honestly with about my shit. If you could just talk about the obsession and how exhausting it is. I don't really know honestly if I'm open to the idea of working steps, because I still don't 'want' to get better. But it would be great to have some people who are functional... eating disordered. Is anyone else interested in this kind of thing? Maybe, I dunno. Maybe, I might be interested in getting a group together and we can like... help each other. It's so fucked up isn't it? 

Anyway, yesterday's fast didn't quite happen. *shock* I ended up on 500 cals for the day which involved a kale stirfry and some weight watchers layered fruits fromage frais. Today the plan is coffee and diet LILT until 7pm then more kale stirfry and some fromage frais. 

I'm so fat. I wish someone would hear me. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What Hunger Does

I feel like I've lost myself this year... I've kinda got to a point where I feel profoundly lost. The trouble is that for the life of me, I can't figure out why or how?

I am going to say that I've got fat, but it isn't the actual fat that is more awful to me. I used to be trendy and cool with a definite style and as I've gotten fatter, less of my clothes fit me and now I feel like I'm just a fat, pasty frump. As I'm fasting today, I feel a bit confused by how good this feels. I haven't fasted in probably two years. It is so cleansing and instantly gratifying. I feel like I'm doing something to look after my body... the tragedy of course evident. 

I have more money than I actually know what to do with now... So I'm going to start saving money. When did that happen. I'm busy planning a complete overhaul of my warddrobe because I can afford to. When did I care this much about my 'style'? 

I've taken on this exam and failure isn't an option. I should feel good about making this life decision and on the one hand I do, but on the other I feel like I've made a decision about my life - which is more than I can legitimately say I've done in year - exciting and terrifying. 

The thought has been lingering in my mind that I am a complete and utter control freak. The funny thing is that I reflect on my being and see that it is completely true. How have I lived my entire life thinking I'm easy going?

Fast time: 20 hours

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Time To Go Crazy!

I've decided to fast today and see if I can keep a fast going - I'm going to aim for tomorrow and see if I can just keep extending. It's literally been the longest time since I've even fasted for a day or whatever. Such little time. I also want to see if I can get some ritalin - how the fuck do I get hold of ritalin? Or adderall, but I don't think you get that here... Who knows? 

Fasted time: 13 hours

I miss being a stick. 

Peace & Far too many bongs...

Xo Xo

Where In The World Is Fat Piggy?

Hello everyone, god is does seem like is has been an age since I last posted (I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS, I SWEAR!!). Basically, shit has been going down in a big way since I last blogged and I was kinda /am kinda in a weird place at the moment, so it's been hard to blog and fight that overwhelming feeling which causes me to want to crawl up in a lonely ball in the corner of a dark room. That same ball that I was in over three years ago which led me to end up with a belly full of paracetamol in a ward full of crazy people... BUT NO! Don't worry, things are not that bad. They will never be that bad again, because all things considered - I will never be like that again. Anyway, I'll stop rambling on and tell you what's been up - this will be a long one. Warnings in advance. 

I suppose the logical place to start is that I turned 28 - yes, my dears. Twenty-fucking-eight. It didn't seem that scary at the time, but the more I've had to repeat it to myself over the past month, the more scary that number has sounded. This prompted what can only be classified as a quarter life crisis which I believe began at the beginning of the year. 

I've been fucking miserable at work - I've said this like a hundred times over the past few months on this blog. So what's a fucking Piggy to do? ANSWER: The most fucking irrational thing possible. Resign from my job, get another with a direct competitor, get sentenced to gardening leave (for those not in the corporate world, gardening leave is where you don't have to work out your notice period and are paid to sit on your arse for two months!) - AWESOME RIGHT? Bored. More like it - and last piece of the puzzle is to enroll in a completely unrelated industry's hardest professional exam to be taken at the end of the year. Tsk. Tsk. Piggy - so impulsive, have you learnt nothing? 

Yep, this is what I've done. I enrolled to take the CFA level 1 at the end of this year - December to be exact and it is an investment banking/derivatives and alternative investment qualification which will essentially end with me being a dreaded and notorious London Banker Wanker. It was impulsive, but my never ending arrogance has essentially ended up with me thinking I have the stones to do this without a problem. So I'm doing it - no. fucking. problem. 

I am currently on garderning leave as of two days ago - I start my new role with a solar specific media company who are direct competitors of my current/old company and they basically frog-marched me out of the office the minute I resigned. WHICH was before I left for a two-week holiday in Thailand. So that's another thing. I just got back from Thailand and now I have another two weeks off. YAY ME, right? ...right? I mean, boredom for two weeks is manageable I think - don't go to the dark side PIGGY!? STOP!! Thailand was absolutely magical. I'll write a separate post on Thailand later tonight for those that have never been - but if you haven't, I would strongly recommend it - any Thai-based people read this blog? If you do, leave us a comment. It was something that you have to experience once in a lifetime. Although, I will say that growing up in Cape Town spoilt it a bit for me - all the beaches and beautiful scenery were only as good as what I grew up with, it wasn't better necessary. Except the crystal blue water, that was fucking. amazing. 

Before I went to Thailand, I was in Boston for a week - another fucking AMAZING city. I absolutely adore Boston. I would live there in a heartbeat... who knows, maybe one day I will :). And then two days after I got back from Boston, I was in Amsterdam. But I've been there like three times now so nothing to write home about. I'd like to go there on a trip with my David and my sister and her hubby (none of them have been) in the summer. It will happen :). ANYWAY, so that kinda brings things up to date for now. 

FUCK NO! It doesn't. There has been some rough stuff in the past few months. The first is that my beautiful kitten Gremlin dislocated his jaw. As you can well imagine, for those who know me - I had a total fucking meltdown. Like ugly crying over my poor kitten - luckily,he didn't have to have surgery and they just popped it back in. That was 8 days ago when I was in Thailand and he 100% a-okay now, thank fucking fuck. The other piece of bad news is that one of my closest friends in London is moving back to South Africa in May. She is in AA and it's been awfully rough for her. She's never settled on London as her home even though she has been here a bit longer than I have (it was my 3 year anniversary of London last week). I'm going to miss her. 

And lastly, just when you thought Cape Town was the most evil poisonous place in the world for me, David has also gone there for two months to do a pediatric placement in the Red Cross Children's Hospital. My smart boyf is now officially a doctor - he got a first in his finals and got the results a few weeks ago. *snaps for David*. (Done well for myself innit!?) I miss him already - he took care of Gremlin when I was in Thailand and I think that all this time has really made be grow to love in a way that is almost as strong as Roy. Although, him being in Cape Town now I am kinda tweaking out that he is going to do the same thing to me that Roy did - i.e. leave me to shack up with the neighbour. I don't deserve him.

So the final thing on this incredibly long blog post is my weight. I weighed myself this morning and it is 73.0kg. How-oh-how have I slid so far back. Unacceptable. The buck stops here. I started Kayla again this week which I'm leaving for the gym to do in a couple of hours. Calorie-wise, I'm aiming for under 1000. I don't want to go back to starving like I used to, but I need to manage my weight. Starving is all I know. But I won't go back. Binging is actually what I know best and I'm not past that yet. 

ANYWAY, I'll keep you all posted on the weight and now you're all pretty much up to speed on my life so that's taken care of. Sorry I've been gone so long. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo