Ashamed

 I fucked up. So badly. And all because of marijuana. Yesterday I was supposed to be fasting, but instead I got high with my boyfriends brother and then we went out for dinner. What a mistake. When I'm drunk or high - no holds barred. So for dinner - 3 glasses of white wine with soda water i.e. a spritzer, 6 slices - yes 6 of a brie, blue cheese & fig pizza, a chocolate brownie WITH ice cream. Then we stopped to by cigarettes on the way home and even more stuff - pringles, chocolate, peanut brittle, nougat. I'm so ashamed. Then after that it was eating yoghurt. This morning I woke up with the most insane stomach cramps and diarrhea, at least I didn't have to take laxatives, because my body feels poisoned. Like it couldn't handle all the horrible fat nasty disgusting shit that I put in it last night. God, I feel like such a pig. But I didn't even think about it, and once I had the pizza I kinda thought that i'd come this far eating all this horrible shit that I may as well have what I want a purge later (which I didn't and I'm thankful for).

 Today is a new day and I'm leaving my disgusting shame in the past. Today instead of starting the ballerina diet, I was planning on fasting, but we are going to this awesome dub party tonight and there is going to be some drinking involved, which means that I must eat something. Or not drink. I am torn between the two. I will make a decision later, but I am going hiking later with friends, so that will be a solid 3 hours of exercise on a mountain. So if I keep my intake down very low today, it will be fine. I think I'll do a liquid diet today.

I'm so disappointed with myself. I was so ashamed I contemplated not writing this blog, because my shame is out there for everyone to see. Thank god my new scale hasn't arrived yet and I have at least another two days until Monday to be good with my intake before I weigh and measure myself. If I am really good today and tomorrow then it should be fine. And I read somewhere that if you intake in drastically higher for just one day, then you won't put on anything. This is probably a lie.

Thinspo for today is Kate Moss. I think she is probably my thinspo icon. I think she is just perfect. Except she is short so I can't compare myself to her really. But I think she is amazing. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels." Damn right. I love that you can see her bones and her cheek bones are amazing. She also has that bobble head thing happening which I love.

I wonder how long it is going to take for my scale to arrive. It feels like forever. I want to work out so hard today and dance my ass off tonight. Having thought about this quite extensively for the past few days, I don't think I have an ED. I just think that I am obsessed with my weight and the way I look. I can eat and it doesn't cause me massive anxiety. I don't want to die from being thin, I just want to look like a model - thin. And it's just about control really. Some people have more of it.

Peace.