Halloween

Happy Halloween :) ... and for the first time in my life, I haven't had a single piece of candy today, no chocolate, no junk food crap. Today has been a Coco filled day of about 500 cals with lots of lovely getting thinness in the air. I am going to do a proper weigh in tomorrow morning and hopefully the results will be lovely. I am having an overwhelming craving for meat at the moment... Like meat balls, or a big juicy steak with some rocket and parmasan. But I must persevere. No binging, no junk fooding. I have a friends birthday thing on friday, part of which is a hog roast at some restaurant. My goal is to not eat anything with oil and carbs. Hopefully by doing that and eating e'rrrrrr so little I will be able to avoid a gain. Also... there will be drinking for the first time in about a month. WWCD - What would coco do? She is going to stay civilised. Only drink white wine or whiskey and soda. And go home at a reasonable time, because I'm moving the next day.

DUH! Moving. In three days, I will be in my new flat. And the kicker of course is that I haven't started packing at all yet. Not to mention the fact that I won't have internet the first five days that I am there. Which is going to suck massive balls. BUT anyway. At first I was afraid...

Love & Coco
Xo Xo

The disgust continues...

With myself that is. My legs are enormous. My face is enormous. My stomach is enormous. My ass is enormous. My thighs, oh my god my thighs. That aside things are going very well. Even in my immensely non-compus mentus state that I was in yesterday, I managed to stick to about 700 cals. Today has been... about 300. It has consisted on three cups of coffee (a landslide of tea), a plum, a petits filous and a whole bunch of asparagus. All things considered. It could have been a fast, but hell. I would rather have a low cal day than fucking up a fast, because as we always say - when it rains, it pours. 

In other news. I have managed to get through most of the work that I had to do today, I just need to conclude. I have to do it tonight though. But then it is still early. And then tomorrow, I can lie in and watch lots of awesome series. Okay, so my social life has pretty much gone to shit. But I have good excuses I swear. I am going to make an effort to get out more and do things that don't involve partying. I hate sitting here and thinking about how everyone I know is having an awesome time. And I am just lame. I work, watch series and sleep. I've really been thinking that it may be time to actually seriously consider dating again. But I'm not sure tbh if I have the energy or desire to find someone. I mean, I have become pretty good at being by myself. I just need to see I guess. It just seems like SUCH efforttttt. I'd rather have a bunch of good friends to go out and get drunk with. But since I'm still not drinking (3 weeks now), that's not really a solid plan.

I think I have a crush though on a friend of mine. The kind of crush though that you keep to yourself, because if you actually had to go there, it would spoil the whole thing. Like he annoys me immensely, but I love the idea of him. Keep that shit to myself... and well. You lot now. AHAHA. This post has been such rubbish. Enjoy my verbal defecation... which is gross. But you know, word vomit. 

Love & Filous

Xo Xo

Harassment much?

Omg - what was with this weekend and douchebag stalkers posting stupid comments on my blog. Hey guys, fuck you. Fuck you. fuck you. Anyway, so now the settings are changed that only people with id's can comment on these post, so at least this should stop this anonymous bullshit. Stupid heads. Its kinda amazing what some people deem their responsibility to tell people shit that they don't need to hear. It's actually kinda amusing. Well done captain obvious. Anyway.

mmm... What was the point of this post. Oh yes, totally failed at the fast yesterday so did one today instead. I'm already feeling a little bit better. I'm not sure why now all of a sudden I feel the need to fast. I remember fasting ideas used to come spontaneously in the past. Funny how it always evolves and changes. Still not sure where I'm going with this... I'm moving next weekend. I can't believe it. Can't WAIT to be out of this flat. But I have a lot of work to finish by the end of tomorrow and I've spent the day working, literally from the moment I opened my eyes. And now I have another huge project due for the end of tomorrow. I can't honestly wait to be done with it, because I have been moping through it. So its time. To just finish it.

I think I have decided to join a climbing ... gym thing. You know... indoor rock climbing, but I'm so afraid of heights. Thinking back though, it was one of my new years resolutions - to get over my fear of heights. So I'm going to take a beginners climbing course at a local gym. Gonna see how it goes... I suspect however - it may cause a fair amount of anxiety, but gotta carpe those diems...

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Fast: Day 1

I have decided that I want to push myself and fast for three days. I have never fasted for longer than 2 days on a coffee, tea, zero cal drinks fast. So I think considering how disgusting I currently am, it may be time to look into it. So today will be day 1. And breaking fast on Wednesday will also be liquid. So soup/juice fast on Wednesday. I think it works pretty nicely. I have had two cups of coffee so far today. And hopefully it will be a fantastic way to lose a quick 5lbs.

My weekend has been a blur of anger and marijuanna. Whatever. I'm hoping that this fast will cleanse and renew.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

**EDIT**
According to Anonymous, we all need a cheeseburger. Ya dude. *applause* that's exactly what we need. Haters gon' hate.

Pet. Hate.

Just a word of warning, this post is going to be bitchy and is not directed at anyone in particular, but HAWT DAMN heeeeeeeeeewey, this irritates me. I have a number of people in my life who do one of two things when it comes to their weight. Okay, all of these people are overweight/wanting to lose weight. So perhaps better to have clarified that off the bat. Now let me also just preface this by saying that I am generally a fatist. I.e. I judge fat people. And I'm not talking like 10 - 50 pounds over weight. We all get chubby. And some people really do like food and don't have a problem with being that size, so you know. Amandla. Good for them that they embrace it. But generally, I think that one has to have very little respect for oneself to let their health and appearance get so out of control, but I'm talking like. BIG people. Like, the kind that turn heads when you walk past them in the street. Big big people. I mean, firstly I think it is very selfish. People always tell me that my suicide attempts have been selfish, but slowly killing yourself by eating - how selfish is that? Not only are you killing yourself, but you are a burden on society, because overweight people are sicker than regular size people and therefore require more offtime from work and more doctors visits. In the long run therefore, regular people have to pick up the slack created by people who just can't control themselves. No look, I know that overeating is a disease as much as ana or mia are, but just because a person is huge does not make them an overeater. So the whole slow-suicide/economic inefficiency of being that overweight, really pisses me off. And yes, okay very thin people are just as sick, but more than likely than not, anos and mias are put in treatment, but the morbidly obese are just left to their ways. No no, this doesn't work for me. I mean. Get some help. Think of your family. Put down. The. Cupcake.

Anyway... what was I saying... OH YES. What my rant was actually about, although I feel like I've lost a bit of steam after my fatist rant. Anyway. The thing that these people do, is bitch and bitch and bitch and BITCH. And then for good measure they bitch some more about how they really want to lose weight. Now, one of two things happen that sends my head into the fucking outer reaches of the stratosphere. The first thing is when they don't understand how they are as big as they are. But when you see them eat, or randomly bump into them/call them - whatever, when you come across their eating habits its all normal coke and fish and chips. But for the life of them, they don't understand how they are so big, because they totally eat healthily. Fucking lying to yourself. And god forbid you say anything, because then you are the fish and chips grinch that stole their saturated fat and they only 'eat like this on special occasions' - now fuck me - but it seems there are a LOT of special occasions in their lives. The other thing is when people bitch on and on and on about losing weight, but they think that a hard day entitles them to junk foods. For example, someone that is on a diet and they have a hard day at work so they deserve a slice of cake. No, actually what you deserve is to put down that cake, realise that it is actually punishing yourself rather than rewarding yourself. And go for a fucking run. A diet isn't about reward. The reward is getting something that you want. It is getting down to a regular weight, being happy with your appearance.

I'm not imposing ana standards on these people. I do not believe that everyone should be a size 0, don't get me wrong. But I watch people, like I watched myself, be miserable and deflated about their weight. Thinking that they are the ugliest most unattractive pieces of nothing on earth because they are overweight, or they don't look the way they want to. Don't bitch about your weight if you aren't willing to do something about it. Because yes, it hurts you and the rest of us have to sit back and watch you make yourself miserable. Watch you destroy any hard work you have done because you believe you are entitled to have that cake as a reward. It just makes no sense to me. Whatsoever. Anyway, okay rant over. My basic point is that if you want something take it and if you aren't willing to take it, then don't talk about it constantly as if you have no say in the matter. You do. Just get off your ass and do something about it. Like voting. Don't bitch about the state of your country if you aren't willing to vote, because then you have no right to bitch, because you're too lazy to actually take time to have a say. Simple.

In other news, period cramps. OUCH! And still fasting. At 7pm it will be 24 hours. So when I wake up tomorrow morning it will be 36 hours :D :D YEAH BUDDY!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Fasting Forgetskis

So, as I said in my post last night I am fasting today and I am 5 hours in and I am already finding myself needing to blog about something random to try and get myself through it. It has been such a long time since I last fasted and I have completely forgotten how hard the first day is. I don't actually think it is because i am actually hungry or feeling lethargic, it is a mental block that I have towards the idea of fasting, i.e. i know i can't have food, therefore I want it SO bad.

Anyway, let me have a cup of tea and hopefully keep the willpower. Be expecting a lot of blogs in the next two days to get me through these fasts. Ladies, I think it's time to bring back the fasts. The time is nigh.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Plateaus.

My weight just WILL not go down. It won't go down at all. I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to have to keep restricting before it goes down, but it won't. 500 - 800 cals per day is what I've been at for a week now and it is just sticking. Amazing how our bodies work. My mother sent me a message today telling me that she has been on weight watchers for a week... or two and has lost 1.6kgs. Mother fucker. I'm so jealous, I don't even know what to say. Fuck sakes. Tomorrow, I am going to fast. Only zero cal drinks, coffee, tea and water. Just for tomorrow. I don't really have all that much to add, except I hope that I have lost at least a pound by Friday. At least. I'm going out to that South African bar again on Saturday and I'd to look decently skinny before then.

So another milestone has been reached on this blog. 500 followers. 502 to be exact. I never thought when I started this blog that people would actually read it, let alone 500 people. I mean its crazy. I know that I am a social media whore... well. facebook and blogger most definitely, but I'm always so surprised that people want to read the dribble that is my life. Thank you as always for 14 months of unrivaled support and dedication to my bullshit. I'm currently looking around for some new blogs to read. So many of the blogs disappear or are abandoned, people go into recovery, etc etc and then we never hear from them ever again and the majority of blogs that I read are those that I found when I first started blogging and then as life has taken its toll over time, I have had less time to find these. Also, I find that certain kinds of blogs irritate me. And I've only come to notice what irritates me through reading loads of them. Anyway, to this end. A lovely young lady contacted me via email yesterday reaching out for a bit of support. She has recently started a blog after following ours for quite some time. I think its worth commending her strength in doing this eventually, I mean. It does take a bit of courage to put your life online. Especially considering the consequences generally of what happens if someone finds it. Anyway, here the link to Alices blog. Give it a look if you have a chance. :)

Anyway, GOOOO team. Please feel free to leave some blog links, I'd love to read. :)

Love & Hugs
Xo Xo

The Joy

So, with my pattern of currently existing like a vampire, which basically has meant that I sleep during the day and am awake all night, I have had a series of very random epiphanies. Well, not a series. But you know. First things first. I have managed to not binge in three days. Today will be the fourth if i can make it. I haven't weighed in two days. Mostly because I'm very confused about when the best time to do so would be. Because my morning is at 6pm at night... Anyway, I have been awake since 10pm last night and am determined to stay awake till 10pm tonight so that I have a normal sleeping pattern again. I am literally living like a vampire. Like, going to buy my groceries at 4am kind of thing. So this means that tomorrow morning, I should be able to get an accurate weight. I expect it to be around 60 flat :).

Anyway, as you know. A number of things happen to people in the dead of the night. Firstly, late night binging. Which is why I'm glad I'm doing okay. Although to be fair, every day has started off as a fast day until about 3/4am then its like. I NEED to eat. Late night eating, you know how that goes. Second thing that happens is the extreme night time sadness. Why oh why, I ask. Is it that everything is just a thousand times more depressing at night. Anyway and the last thing is that I get to think in the still of the night. And what I have realised is that for the last year, I have never gotten drunk or high without doing so to get happy or to forget. It wasn't like when I was in varsity and we drank to party. Or just because it was fun. Now it literally is self-medication.Anyway and because of this, I am not drinking or smoking until I have found 'the joy.' And now. The joy is the one thing that makes me happy doing more than anything else. Now, I'm afraid this is where my explanation may become a little... confusing. Anyway, so check it out. All of the joy in my life so far has been about people. Boyfriends, friends, flirting, hooking up, being awesome, manipulating people, getting what I want. But now, lets face it. That isn't 'the joy' for reals, because as soon as those things go away there is nothing and I am miserable. And its not like I'll never go through another break up realistically, so I need to find 'the joy' that is objective and purely mine and no one elses. SO, in looking for this joy I need to find something. And the something that I am going to do is to learn how to sew and make clothes. I have always always wanted to learn how to do this. THE JOY dudes. It is time to find the 'the joy', maybe if we do then all the other shit that happens won't seem like the end of life as we know it?

Today was fabulous. I went to the newagent and got the November Vogue and sat in a Nero for two hours and read the heavenly thing. This was significant for two reasons, firstly - this is the first Vogue I have ever bought, because in South Africa it is imported and really really expensive. And second, it is literally 300 pages of amazing clothes, thinspo and fabulously skinny everything. It is an unapologetic ode to everything that us EDs hold dear. Unapologetic thinness. Thank you Vogue. Although, I suppose the irony in it is that we wouldn't be the way we are without mags like Vogue, yet we worship it despite the self-loathing that the industry has caused. I <3 Vogue. Until today, I only read borrowed copies, but now I am the proud owner. If anyone knows of a good sewing teacher in London, hook me up :)

Love & Joy
Xo Xo

To Anonymous

So this comment was posted on my blog earlier today:"This is not heathly for you or anyone reading.. To have flesh on your bones does not make you fat!! I've often wanted to be thinner but never skin and bones, hope you feel comfortable in your own skin soon and are living a healthier life because of it x on"

Normally, I would swear, but this comment although it hopelessly misses the point really sounds like my mom would have said it and even though the bitch pisses me off at the best of times, you don't swear at your mom. So instead, Anonymous, I'm going to try and explain this to you. 

Firstly, we are all. acutely. aware. of the fact that what happens in our lives, the things that we write on these blogs, is not healthy. We are not healthy people. The presence of absence of this blog is not to lose weight or cheer each other on, its a place where the deepest darkest secrets of my life don't ruin my relationships. Did you ever walk around wanting to scream something at the top of your lungs, but you never thought anyone cared enough to listen. This is it. I can also say these things and not have my family and friends put me on social suicide watch. What happens here is understood as it happens and not attempted to be understood by people who see EDs as a cry for attention or.. losing weight. I know that it may seem counter-intuitive by this, all of this, has very little to do with weight. When I was hospitalised last year after suicide attempt numero deux, my mother was enlightened - through eavesdropping on a conversation that I had with the psychiatrist in the hospital - that I have in their opinion, an ED. I didn't chose to tell her, she took that information. Who could blame her though right? The point is that even though that was almost a year ago, every time that I speak to her she asks me if I've eaten. And the result of that is that I avoid talking to her. Because I don't want to lie. I can't tell her that I feel like an enormous whale that waddled out of the ocean because I've gained 10lbs. Because then she says: oh but you're so skinny, and you're beautiful, and you've got so much going for you, etc etc. Does that help? No. It makes me feel even worse, because I am not that person. What I look like to her and the things that I have accomplished in my life mean very little to mean. I still feel like a fraud every time I talk to anyone. And that is why I have this blog. I couldn't tell anyone how devastated I was and still am about my ex, because they think I'm going to try kill myself again. The point is that people don't understand. They just don't get it. And instead of feeling like you are standing in the middle of Times Square screaming your lungs out, but no one is hearing you. I chose to write it here. Being skin and bones is not about the look. Its about being perfect and light as air. And to a certain extent it about punishing myself for the way I feel. It isn't healthy, but it helps me. But yes, Anonymous, I do also hope that one day I will feel comfortable in my own skin, because for 25 and a half years so far, it has never happened, but I am ever optimistic. I hope that makes it easier for you to understand. Because telling an ED person that having flesh doesn't make you fat is like telling an obese person that they are skinny. As far as the mentality goes, its a lie.

ANYWAY, so enough of that. Today has been an EXCELLENT day. I have had two cups of tea and two plums. And I'm going to sleep. Feeling fucking good dudes, not gonna lie. I'm having a bit of grief at the moment with a friend who talks about herself constantly. I mean, i have nothing to say because all I do with my life is sleep, work and watch series. I am too terrified of the world at the moment to even begin to want to leave the house. But it is what it is. And its like if she says something like, I have so much work to do. I'll be like oh ya me too, 12000 words to write by Wednesday, rough. She will immediately change the subject back. I know my life isn't much, but the complete disregard for me... its hard to take. Very hard. I am alone in this world truly... all I have is my blackberry and my cat. Sad right?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I need to stay awake.

I'm practically a vampire these days. At the moment I sleep from about 8am to 5pm. And then am awake all night long. I don't know how I got into this pattern, but lets say it has been a while since I last saw sunshine. So my new plan of action is to stay awake till 10pm tomorrow night. Which is 24 and a half hours away and then hopefully get a normal amount of sleep. And the other side of this story is that I am going to work till then. I have a really difficult brief that I am working on at the moment. I am determined to conquer it. So the next 24 hours is going to be a workathon. Punctuated by the run that I plan to do at about 6am tomorrow before I am too tired to do it.

My new goal is 50kgs. Which is 110lbs. I always thought of it as being too thin. But fuck it. I really want it. Thats 20lbs for me. To me. That goal is one month away. I can definitely lose that much in one month if I am extremely disciplined. Lets say realistically I can get there by the end of the year. No excuses. For once, I am actually feeling motivated. Lets set some goals.

Nothing further. <3

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

You know, without the stomach?

My motivation towards life at the moment is seriously waning. I have a bunch of work to do that I just can't seem to get into. Its like every word that I write is just a battle. My heart is just not in it at the moment and there is a possibility that this may have something to do with the fact that all I want to do is sleep. I slept all of yesterday, I slept all of today and now I am furiously downing coffee trying to stay awake long enough to write a paper that was due today. I remitted back to the client with some questions about the work as a way of buying myself some time... okay. It needed to go back because the dudes english is so awful that I really don't understand what he wants anyway. But still. I am NeVER this far behind. EVER. So all I can do is force myself to sit here. And try to bang out the words, but they are just not coming to me. I just want to go back to sleep and dream of a better life. Sigh. Fucking hell. What to do. WHAT to do.

I am going to start running again since I suspect that my need to sleep 24/7 has something to do with the fact that I am doing like NO exercise and endorphines and all that. But dudes, yall know I HATE exercise. Fucking. Hate. Exercise. But if it will make me feel slightly more awake, then thats what needs to be done. I need to quit smoking as well. But fuck man. I LOVE smoking. Its just so cold at the moment that going out for a smoke is agony. SO COLD!

In other news, I have managed to keep my calories today below 1000... about 700 so far I think and I am done for the day. I need to get this under control or the next thing you know, I am going to be huge and unresponsive. *cry* Backsliding, backsliding. Although staying alive and sane right now seems to be more of the challenge than keeping my weight down. I mean. I'm not gaining. Just hovering in the low 60's. Which is far too much. Far too much. Nothing to contribute. Fuck life. Fuck it all. Fuck food, fuck men, fuck Cape Town, fuck London. Fuck everything. Why is it always an uphill fucking battle. Over it.

Love & Drugs
Xo Xo

Emotionally Tired

I'm just so sick of falling apart all the time. A friend of mine recently started opening up about his problems regarding his emotional... well-being, which as it turns out are exactly the same as the stupid shit that I face. Last night I fell apart. The usual uncontrollable sobbing, cutting, drinking. The usual thing. And then again. Tonight, second night in a row, back to the tears brought on by hearing a coldplay song that I used to listen to on the way to my shrink in Cape Town. Queue the waterworks. Will it never end. The crying, the unhappiness. I just don't actually feel like it is ever going to be okay. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to the world. I feel like I will never be happy. Ever. I mean, sometimes I am okay, but it always comes back to this. I am starting to think that the best solution for me is to die. It just seems like this uphill battle is never going to end and I am just so so tired of fighting it. I am alone in this world. I lived alone and I think it is time to die alone. I'm just so tired.

Love & Tears
Xo Xo

Elton John is ALL you need...

You know, when I'm having a shitty day, like today. Elton John is all I need. And what this involves generally is putting on the greatest hits album, cranking up the heating so that underwear dancing is possible and dancing round and round like Edie Sedgewick on crack to b b b Bennie... Bennie and the Jets. I can't say that it takes my problems away, but what it does do is give me a certain optimism about my life that says. You are not that sad. You are not THAT pathetic. In fact. You are just fine. And the reason behind this madness is because a friend of mine is in London for six weeks and instead of wanting to hang out with me, he wants to hang out with my bitch polish whore 'friend' who is an asshole. I say friend, because I don't know what else to call her. I spend weeks, months on end not talking to her until she has a crisis and then I put aside my feelings and help her out until next she pisses me off. She is a total control freak. Like, she gets pissed off if I don't immediately reply to her messages and tells me that she can see when I read my messages and where am I, what am i doing. She makes me feel like a dog on a leash. And that is not okay. Anyway, so last night we were all meant to go to a party together but I slept till about 4pm due to my lovely insomnia which kept me up till 11am yesterday. So she started screaming at me about not replying to her messages so I told her to go fuck myself. And he, he made plans to go to the party with her instead of asking me what I was doing. Now I know this is stupid, but a) he doesn't know her at all, b) he is MY friend and c) why can't she make her own friends. Anyway, so fuck them both. I blocked them on whatsapp. I don't care. And this morning I saw on facebook that they went on the new cable car by Greenwich which means two things, either they are now besties which I doubt. Or he fucked her. Which is more likely, cuz he is a dog. And dudes, I just laugh. Gross. She is desperate and pathetic and has always been jealous of my abilities to make friends. Because her friends are all lame and boring. Anyway, ELTON JOHN! B b b bennie!

And thats all for today. I'm going to fetch my running shoes today so I should be able to get my ass into gear as far as exercising goes. YAY! And I've also decided that I want to get some Thinz (I don't know if ya'll have heard of or tried this, but it is EXCELLENT) and live on weetbix 100 cal bars. Which means that I am going to allow myself 3 of these a day with some fruit and coffee/tea. I think its a great plan since these are fortified with vitamins and shit, as well as being carby and whatever. So it will all be good.

Love & Elton
Xo Xo

Where are we from?

I sometimes get a little nostalgic about my homeland. i.e. South Africa... And I feel like a complete traitor to my identity for having left my home of 23 years to runaway from my problems to England. I mean. Obviously I know that I had to come here and had very good reason for doing so. But I feel like there is an inescapable part of myself that is missing because I am not on African soil. Things that the British will never understand, because well... I mean, I guess it is the same as me not understanding the fundamental Britishness that is here either. But I dunno. I mean, it is interesting to look at the stats on my blogger dashboard to see exactly where the people reading this blog come from. I mean, so much of the cultural idiosyncrasies that form our identity come from the places we live. Do you know what I mean? Part of what I learnt in law school had to with the use of culture as a means of identifying with one another, a culture which the Apartheid government tried to destroy in an attempt to stop uprisings. If black peeps couldn't identify with one another then maybe they would understand the 'greater good' that the Apartheid gov was trying to force on them. I.e. whiteness. Obviously and thank god this did not work. But, if you remove someone from their culture, from their home, do you take away part of their identity. I mean, have I lost part of myself because I don't like on African soil anymore... I would be very interested to know where my readers come from, so feel free to drop a comment. For example, one of my top ten readerships are from Bosnia and Herzegovina... Us kids of crimes against humanity need to stick together after all. But if you had asked me last year when I started this blog whether I'd have a readership from b&h, I would have laughed.

In other news, I have started my research proposal for my masters. Which so far looks like a completely feminist rant about the achievement of substantive equality through the use of collectivist human rights. Specifically focused on gender equality through reproductive rights. So basically, what I am saying. Is that because of the use of gender and reproduction as a measure of oppression of men over women historically, in order to achieve (what i call) contemporary equality, women have to have the right to decide reproduction on their own terms. In other words abortion. The funny thing is that I am not a feminist. But I fucking cannot stand that people think they have the right to tell other people how to live their lives. And this goes for a number of things. Abortion, gay marriage, polygomy, veganism, animal rights, etc etc. I've spoken about this before. And even though I don't want to be labelled as a man hating feminist. I have every intention of winning a Nobel Prize one day... One day :) And in order to do that, I need to make a substantial contribution to the world. I intend to do so. My charity project, although stagnant is a starting point for this. As soon as I can get funding, I will be going to Kabul. I will get it going.

Er... I also signed the lease on my new flat today. I am so freakin excited about moving, but for now I need to do a lot of work to remain financially solvent until then, since paying a deposit etc is an expensive business.  I have had 330 cals intake today, but it seems that my weigh is completely stagnant. My intake has consisted of two Ambrosia custard pots and two cups of coffee (sans honey - go me) and a whole lot of coke light. Those custard pots are fucking epic, since I love love LOVE custard. I don't think I am going to go out this weekend. I have a fuckton of work to do and Sunday is out since I have a 'family' dinner with my London family. I love you all. Thanks for the support.

Florence & the Machine
Xo Xo

A Perfect Script.

Vapid, vapid, vapid. Shallow as fuck. Part of what I spoke with shrink about is the exhausting aspect of living your life according to a script. Those were her words, not mine. But the funny thing is that they were totally true. And I've written about this before and I know there are some sympathisers. What this means is that we walk around pretending to be something, to look a certain way, hiding ourselves from the world in case no one understands. Part of it is the way we look. That feeling of knowing that everyone is watching you - going 'oh my god, LOOK at that whale', part of it is hiding things about our lives that are less than perfect. What is our obsession with perfection? She said that no one is perfect, perfection is an illusion. I'm not sure why this resonates with me. I suppose that everything we do has to do with the obsession with perfection, looking perfect. Dressing like a celebrity, partying like a socialite, needing to get straight A's or work promotions. Being the perfect person. And so this our script. We have to play along, because if we aren't perfect, then who are we? I am so incredibly flawed. So flawed that sometimes it bubbles over and I use the excuse of not wanting to be normal, ordinary or average as a means of explaining why I don't give a shit if people don't like me, or accept me... or are threatened by me. That they can't handle me. So fuck them. In reality though... I don't even know what the reality is to be perfectly honest. On one hand, I love fitting in. Just being a normal run of the mill person that doesn't have a funny accent, or a weird walk. Whatever. Its part of the reason that I love London... Because I am totally anonymous. On the other hand. I don't want to be invisible. I'm so sick of being invisible. I want people to notice me, which is why I dress the way that I do. Or why I want to be quirky and weird, and crazy. Maybe there is a relationship between the two though? Maybe, maybe I want to be noticed, but for being beautiful and thin. Instead of being crazy. and therefore being noticed for my flaws. Actually that sounds right I think. I don't know. All I know is that sometimes I wish I could sink into the floor. Othertimes, I wish people would see my strengths and in doing this we are living as if we were in a movie. Putting our best foot forward always. Or sticking to our repetoirs that we know work for us. Like everyone in the world is watching. Dyou know what I mean? Part of what my shrink said really pissed me off, but also I wanted time to process what she said. Lol, dudes. This is me processing :) 

Anyway, so today was a good day for eating. I had a handful of grapes, half a plum, some more of the stew that I made yesterday and coffee with honey. Me and my goddamn honey. ANYWAY. So today was good and this is day three without a binge. Goooooooo TEAM. Hopefully by the end of the week I will be under 60. I am going out on Friday night with a friend and I need to be under 60 by then. Problem is that the period is happening soon since today it felt like my ovaries were at a trance party in my stomach. YAY bloating. I don't want to be fat on friday. Fucking sigh. FUCK YOU MOTHER NATURE. What if mother nature is in fact a man? I mean. We all assume that whatever god is out there is a man. Why must the man be almighty and the woman be nurturing. This makes no sense. Lol, maybe from now on I will call it Pappa Earth. FUCK YOU PAPPA EARTH. Ahaha. Goddess, at least I make myself laugh. Sometimes my script goes from tragedy to romance, romance to drama, drama to comedy. What a fucked up movie it would be. Although, perhaps I'd prefer my life to be a West End musical. *ramble ramble*

Lies & Drama 

Xo Xo

Fucktabulous Day

So today has been a great day for a number of reasons. Firstly, this morning I was 61 again. Thank fuck, which means 59 by the end of the weekend is TOtALLY doable if I don't fuck up. Today, I realised that I am finally pretty much over my douchenozzle ex. YAY! Fucker. Like, the thought of him doesn't hurt anymore. I guess life goes on. Today has also been good because I had another session with my shrink which was absolutely awful. We spoke about my parents divorce and the issues that came from that. Note to self: Divorce only happened 4 years ago. But for those that don't know. Although actually, I'm not sure I've ever written anything about it. Mostly I guess because it something very painful and confusing to try and remember. But basically there were allegations that my dad beat my mother. Which... I can't decide if I believe... And what is worse? Dad hitting mom. Or Mom lying about being hit by dad. Anyway, it was a horrible situation. And I have never really spoken about it to anyone since then or before. Its not something I like to process because either situation is just too unbearable to come to terms with. AVOID AVOID. Anyway, so although it was horrible and painful and I hated that dumb bitch for bringing it up - the fact that perhaps I may gain some closure on it someday is inspiring. Today was also a great day because my shrink also said that she isn't there to try and convince me to eat more. That it is not something that they deal with in psychotherapy. I.e. figure out the base problem and the subsidiary issues like my eating disorder will sort themselves out. Which again. This is amazing, because she isn't going to monitor me or try to persuade me that I'm beautiful. What a winner.

On this topic however something occurred to me while I was speaking to her. I have never wanted to look sick, like those girls that you see in rehab. I just want to be waifish and you don't have to be sick to do that. So actually. Maybe my eating patterns are a little bit fucked, but yet again. I'm not convinced that what I actually have is a disorder.

Anyway, let me go on. Today was also a fucktabulous day because the flat that I loved actually came through and its mine. As in I need to go sign the lease and then everything is hunky dory. I have my beautiful flat in North London with a lovely garden for Gremlin to play in. And a proper kitchen. Which although I may not eat much by comparison. You know how creative us EDs get in the kitchen. It also has a lovely bathroom and a nice big bed. I am so so stoked about the flat. Like you have NO idea. *happy penguin dance*

And the last reason why today was a good day was that i walked for about an hour today. And I only ate a smallish bowl of stew (lamb... okay. Not ideal), a skinny latte and a coke zero. So today was another calorie win. I'm feeling good about it. Like I may be slightly more on track. All that I need now is a beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed beauty to share it with. And everything will fall into place. *le sigh* I hope everyone has an absolutely mutha fucken epic day for those in the US where the day is still going. For those not, I hope your day has been as fantabuloustic as mine. My little piglets. It is days like today that give me hope that all is not lost. And in part I must give credit to Coco, because without her I don't think I would have made it through these last few months.

But now. I am so exhausted I need to go to sleep. Oh and Gossip Girl started last night and if we have to endure another season of this bullshit Blair and Chuck on off are they aren't they bullshit. I swear to fuck, I am going to stop watching. Posh Love <3

Poseys & Mittens
Xo Xo

Monday Bloody Monday

Thanks for all the awesome comments on my last post. The weird thing that I always get on reflection from my previous posts really has to do with the fact that sometimes I don't really consider how common our problems are to one another. It seems that EDs and cutting... self harm seem to go hand in hand. And another comment that I got a lot was that pain is one thing as long as we can control where it comes from. Which is kinda funny if you think about it. Like its okay to hurt yourself but god forbid anyone else do it.

Today has been a better day. I think I will be on about 800 for the day. Which isn't great. But I have promised myself that I shall not be buying ANY food, not milk, not tea or coffee nada until next week Monday. All i have is a bit of milk, some pasta and some fruit. So if it runs out. Then bubkis. I shan't be eating anymore than that.

I have also started applying for jobs. Like proper day jobs, but also within the writing field. I have kinda realised that my shit is made a lot worse by the fact that I can sleep all day and not socialise with anyone and just be a hermit with my own problems. I will see what my shrink says about it tomorrow. Yoh. It is scary though. It looks like my flat has fallen through. So the hunt will continue tomorrow. Fuck balls sake. Oh well. *le sigh*

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

To Avoid Pain

Something I have been thinking about a bit recently is the lengths that we go to as people to avoid pain. Emotional pain and physical pain. I mean. We preempt things before they happen just to make sure that we don't get hurt and in the process go to extraordinary lengths in order to stop it. I mean. How silly really? I always think about the amount of time and effort it takes me to sidestep the corner of the mat in my flat because once my toes twisted on the edge of it. One in a million shot that it will ever happen again, and it isn't exactly as if it was THAT sore. We do so much. SO much to make sure that even the slightest amount of pain is avoided. What happens if we embrace the pain...? Sometimes, I like to hurt. Especially by cutting myself, we all know about that. Physical pain can feel good sometimes. I guess it almost takes your mind off emotional pain and I would much rather feel physical pain than emotional pain. I would sooner take a bullet than have to deal with feelings of pain like I did with my ex. I mean. I have hurt myself badly in my life. Where the pain has been so bad that it has made me faint or cry. Just from pure pain. But nothing, NOTHING has ever hurt as badly as what we went through. It just seems to silly to think that perhaps there is a possibility that I may be sabotaging myself so that I don't have to go through that hurt and disappointment again. But how silly? I mean. At the end of the day, we are okay. I am okay. I am mean, I am lonely to within an inch of my sanity. But when all is said and done. The hard part is over. But yet, still avoiding the pain on the mere memory of how badly it once hurt. For some reason, I just know that I won't ever find someone again. And I think I might be okay with the idea of being alone. I mean. I'm crying as I write this. But can anyone really ever live up to my standards? It seems unlikely. My life is meant to be a tragic love story, I always have known this. And tragedy my life is indeed.

... they will never know how much I've cried.

I'm still fat. This week will be better.

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Time goes by...

I had a dream last night about my ex, that the girl he is engaged to was the girl he got pregnant. Which is definitely NOT the case, but whatever. Its put me in a shitty mood all day. And I have to say, part of my miserable reflection has been on the fact that I am 25 and I sit at home all day. Write a little bit. Like where has my life progressed to that this is what I do. Week in. And week out. I need to try and find some more work... perhaps some actual journalism work. Maybe for a journal? Or as a journal editor. I dunno, I need to figure this out. Because at the moment, one of my prevailing concerns is that when I get to 50 and I'm reflecting on my life, I will go. Yeah, when I lived in london, I got high non stop for 6 months. Kinda the extent to which I do it now. I mean. Where the fuck has the time gone. It pisses me off that everyone is moving forward and being happy. And I. Am still miserable on the floor of my shoebox apartment, with nothing better to do than eat Chinese and play with my cat. So, I think it is time to stop wasting time and look for some more work to do. Writing is definitely going to continue to be my focus, but perhaps I can step it up... I'm not sure what to do really. I feel so lost. I think perhaps I may need to stop smoking since it makes me lose days. Honestly, I have lost almost three days since I last surfaced. Goddamn. Oh and I think 

On the plus side, I have fasted today. Nothing but water. It has been cool, because it has been spontaneous. I didn't plan the fast. What is great with a fast is that tomorrow is always alive with possibilities. I could have a low cal day, a juice fast, fruit fast, tea fast. God I can't decide, but my guess is that I will have to see tomorrow. Since well. I still have to make it through today. The feeling of fasting will never get old, even though I suspect it will end with a binge, but fasting makes me feel so clean. It's almost as if, the hungrier or emptier I get, the more... ethereal I feel. Its a great feeling truly truly. 

Love & Strength 

Xo Xo

Cocktober

Inappropriate title? Perhaps. AHA! Anyway, everyone is going on about October like its approaching Valentines day... like. A big deal. I'm not entirely sure what all the fuss is about, but I have decided as my October resolution I am going to do more stuff. Go to museums, art galleries. Actually see things in London that I used to see before I went back to Cape Town. I'm not sure why I stopped, but going out nowadays seems like such a massive effort. Also, the walking will do me well.

I'm hovering around 61 these days. At least it is closer to 60 than 65. I mean, i would prefer if it were closer to 55. But hell. Baby steps and it is what you get for being a stupid stoner that smokes and drinks your life away.

Today, I have had about 600 cals. All in roasted potatoes. Which is so stupid, but its what I felt like, so I guess there is more work to be done. I feel like my brain isn't functioning all that well at the moment... Oh well. Anyway, so this is my current status quo. Going to catch up on some blogs and go to bed though, because I have felt like a miserable sack of shit lately. ALL I want to do is sleep.

I saw my australian on Saturday, but still didn't get his number, because I may gotten drunk and lost him. Such is the plight of the village drunkard... He does look just like Matthew Crawley from Downton Abbey. *le sigh* Hopefully I will see him again. I also am going to see a flat tomorrow in North London since I have to move in a month, which I am feeling weirdly optimistic about. Anyway, sorry this is boring, but I have nothing to report. Lets make sure October is the best month ever. YAY October YAY!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

p.s. Welcome back Judith Marie, babe. You have been SO missed. And Skylar, I can't comment on your blog for some reason. But please know that I am reading. <3