Not exactly a fruit fast but...

I did still manage to do alright yesterday. I had three cups of coffee and a lobster and avocado salad for lunch. So I guestimate that I had around 400 cals yesterday, which is fine by me. I want to gun a fruit fast again, but if it ends up being a lunch only affair like yesterday, that will also be alright. I'm working from home tomorrow, so I will be able to control that properly. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

5 day fruit fast?

I don't really have time to blog right now, because I'm busy getting dressed for work, but I've decided that I want to do a 5-day fruit fast. Anyone keen to do it with me? It's early enough that we can start today. I'll post again later with the progress... But yay! I'm keen to start this. When I say fruit fast, I also mean coffee and tea, zero cal drinks etc. You know. Within the ana bounds. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Am I Just In Love... With Myself?

I'm a little bit high guys, but hear me out. So I've been thinking about the German... And the thing I like most is that he is just like me... do you see what I'm getting at here? Am I just a total narcissist that the reason I'm completely in love with the German, is actually because I am completely in love with myself...?

It's counter-intuitive... But maybe we make excuses for ourselves to be obsessed with our appearances.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

I wish I was

- a ballet dancer
- 50kgs
- small footed
- uber wealthy
- carefree
- happy

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Weird, Crazy...

So I really need to stop drinking. Not only did I get completely hammered on Wednesday night to a point where I literally could not make it at work, it lasted two days, some dick stole my bank card and magically stole money out of my account. Jokes on him, cuz my ass was super broke so NIKS dickbag, you only got 20 quid. Fucker. Then I did it all again on Friday night, quasi proposed to the German. OMG. I need to stop drinking. On the weight front I'm not that fat. Need to do a proper weigh in tomorrow morning. On Friday I was 63.8, which was 2kgs lost last week. I'm still fat, I'm still disgusting and I'm going to stop drinking and take my ass back to 55. I fasted for two days, I can do it again no worries. Let's fucking do it. 

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Oh To Starve...

I'm on my fucking mission again to get back down and today I managed to fruit fast pretty much. I've had three nectarines (39 each = 117cals), a landslide of tea (100ish), a low-cal monster (45) and coffee this morning with honey (40). So not too bad for today I suppose. I won't even tell you what I weighed this morning, because it was disgusting even with a day of fasting. I must say. I felt really really tired this morning at work. Like my brain just wasn't functioning. I may eat tomorrow... I'm thinking something low... About 500 maybe. Anyway, let's see. Thanks to everyone for being supportive, but I know what I'm doing. As much as it pains me to say this and I don't mean it in any kind of bad or condescending way. BUT. Recovery is not a route for me. I don't ever want to recover and I don't think I need to. Best of luck to those that are, you are stronger than I am. But recovery isn't for me. I am this way and I'm fine with it. 55 here I come... Again!

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Difference Between Fat and Thin

I was thinking on the tube when I was coming home tonight that it isn't unusual for people to totally skip a days worth of meals, until dinner time. I mean loads of people skip meals until dinner. It's not unusual therefore to not eat during the day and you won't be depleted and grumpy if you haven't had food till dinner. I suppose the difference between us and them is that when we get home, we have no intention of actually having a meal - so the skipping continue and it is so funny to think that the difference between being fat and being thin comes down to potentially one meal a day. I mean. Yesterday for example, I saw a picture of myself from a year ago and I was beautiful and thin. Now I'm just nasty. This is what prompted my goal to start starving properly again... 

Hang on. I need to play with Gremlin. He's biting my shoulder... 

Anyway, so that's what prompted my need to starve again. Now I could just as easily have gone 24 hours without eating (which is where I am right now) and then have a meal and my resolution would have to start all over again. Dyou know what I mean? It's that mentality where you shouldn't start tomorrow, because you are always one meal away from being your same fatass-self. Change starts with one meal. Being skinny starts with one meal. 

Today I've fasted. I had two cups of black coffee this morning and I'm about to have an absolute zero monster (cuz I'm addicted to these). I'm going to sleep early so that I don't cheat. And then tomorrow is going to be a fruit fast. And then Wednesday, let's hope for something fast-ish, but I have a work thing, which I know is going to require alcohol i.e. calories. I'm going to try and be good and not drink/eat. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

It Begins Again

Tomorrow I am starting from absolute zero. It is time to starve. Starve, starve, starve. I used to be so good at starving, so I'm going to do it again. Yes, I can.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Thin People

So I faced the scale this morning and... 64.9. CRY! It sucked so fucking hard, but on the plus side. I'm going to kick this stupid food habit. You know what it is. When I look at thin people, I look at them and say to myself. "They have their shit together. They eat normally, they aren't ruled by their stomachs. They control their bodies. They don't eat in public. They don't binge on chips and fried chicken. They ALWAYS have americanos and not flavoured lattes." I want people to look at me this way. Anyway, fucking stupid bullshit. Today I've had two salmon fishcakes (560cals - CRY), half a salad for lunch (150ish), some mango (negative cal food) and some yoghurt (100 cals). So that's actually quite a lot. But I suppose at least it is around 1000. Tomorrow I'm going to skip breakfast and lunch and then have some fruit and soup for dinner. So let's hope that it is around... 600ish. Although, I'm meant to be having a drink tomorrow with a friend. So maybe one glass of white wine. Why is life so hard?

Oh the inspiration...

Has left the building! I have absolutely no inspiration to do anything other than sit and eat and be shitty about everything. Work is good, but shit at the same time. I passed my probation and I think my boss really likes me. I seem to be doing well and I found out today that I get a small performance bonus at the end of the month. So that's nice. I think I'll take myself on holiday to Ibiza or something. The German is just amazing. I love him to bits and pieces. He's trying to work out a way to come work here for a couple of months, which is difficult because he has to do his phd at the same time. All so complicated. I feel like I'm getting bored of not having him here. I want things to MOVE FORWARD. God I hate it. 

My weight... you ask? A million kilograms. I got super high this weekend and just ate like a madman. I've been reasonably well behaved this week so far. But it's not great. It's around 1000 cals a day. I haven't weighed in about a week because I'm too terrified about what I've done to my disgusting fat ass. I've started skipping lunch at work, so hopefully that will have a bit of an effect on helping keep my disgusting fat calorie eating habits in line. I hate myself, the way that I look. I keep waiting for something amazing and it just never get's better. I'm okay though, for the record. I'm just ranting. I just don't know how I am ever going to get thin again... It just seems like it's never going to happen. Truthfully my weight is only around 63/64 so it isn't hopeless, but at the moment I have the willpower of a hungry vampire. GIMME! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Reboot - Detox

Basically, because I'm such a fat disgusting whale, I've gone back on the detox. I'm on day 2 now. I forgot how nice it is to be on this diet and I haven't even thought of cheating yet. My calories are still way too high, but I'm going to do it like I did last time, which is that the first week I'm not going to restrict too much, just as long as I eat only the foods that are on it. If you recall, it's paleo. Except I'm allowing myself milk. The reason my calories have been so high is because of nuts. I've been eating nuts. I can't tell you what my weight was this morning, but it was disgustingly high. I hate it. I'll let you know what it is tomorrow. I need to not be so fat anymore. 

My German and I are just perfect, except I've been having little meltdowns with him, because I'm totally in love and I can't deal with the fact that he's not here. The nice thing about it is that his meltdowns on the subject are worse than mine. For the first time, I'm not the craziest person in this wannabe relationship. He told me that he loves me on Monday. It was magic. ANYWAY. I suspect he is the reason behind my fatness, but he is also going to be my new motivation to get thin again - back down to 58. And then to 55. It has been a proper year since I was that weight. I hate my fatness, but I will be perfect. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

I'm Fat

I'm disgusting. There are pics online from Saturday night and I look like a hippo. I'm never eating again.

Fat & Blubber
Xo Xo