A LOSS!!

Finally, I had a normal decent loss. I was 68.8 this morning on the scales. HOORAY! I did have an okayish day yesterday (probably about 600 cals). I was at an event yesterday. Today is officially my first day of prozac again. I have a feeling I'm going to be super duper tired. I have a final interview with this really awesome company tomorrow morning really early and I'm just absolutely hoping that I will get this job, because my current one is absolutely shit. In all fairness, I have a few job prospects actually, so I should be out of that shithole soon... I hope. 

Todays intake was fine. Not great. I had a few coffees (150), a salad for lunch which I picked at (100?), half a sandwich (220) and for dinner I'm having ostrich steak with mash (fat fucking piggy, 400). 870 for the day is fine. It isn't great, but just as long as that number keeps creeping down, we are all good. The goal is to be in the 67's by Monday. YAY!

Love & Ostrich

Xo Xo

And I Gained...

So I weighed 69.9kg this morning. Great. BUT I didn't fuck up, I've had about 850 calories so I'm hoping that there is a loss in there somewhere. 

I've had a houseguest for the last three days and I NEED HER TO LEAVE, but a friend in need. She keeps throwing junk food at me, but I've resisted thus far. FUCK. SAKES. I'm going to allow myself to have a little cheat on Friday if I behave. It's only Tuesday. FUCK. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

When You Have To Talk Yourself Out Of Taking Sleeping Pills @ 6pm

Yep, so me. Ms. RS Fat Piggy. I am literally at a point of being in this lonesome terrible hole of misery where I get home from work and have to talk myself out of taking sleeping pills as soon as I get home from work. That all I want is to be asleep and missing my life so I can get through this work week. I'm just so over my job and I don't want to have to wait to get my CFA to change jobs. Any know an investment banker that wants to pre-emptively hire me? God. I just hate my life right now. I haven't thought about these feelings for such a long time... wanting to NOT be here. I won't try anything stupid, but. *siiiiigh* I hope I'm just getting my period which would explain this horror. I hate feeling this helpless. 

Monday Weigh-In; 69.4kg 

Weekly Loss: 2.3kg

% Loss: 3.21

Total Lost; 3.6kg

To Go: 11.4kg

Not a bad loss though. Maybe a personality attack manic asshole bullshit isn't a bad thing.

LET'S GET BELOW 69!

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Dyou Think They've Moved On?

I was just thinking... you know how I've been blogging recently about the fact that I want new blogs and how so many before us have disappeared - the thought occurred to me that maybe they have moved on... i.e. the people that four years ago would have been the core of the online ED community.. I mean there have been enough documentaries and warnings about how this blogging online blah blah is so dangerous - if we think about it, it's primarily a lot of teenagers who used to be online, we've all grown up now mostly. (I say this particularly thinking of my darling Sammy, who is now 19!!) I mean, maybe we are just the old fogies of the blogging community. Still talking about our ED's online. How novel... or how very 2012!

Just a thought. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Grey Hair

I didn't weigh myself this morning, because I ended up getting quite drunk last night and then when buying more wine I got a large bag or crisps and a bar of chocolate. So I definitely sky rocketed over my calorie allowance for the day. Great. ANYWAY, but then today I slept until literally 6pm and went to Lady Dinah's Cat Emporium in Shoreditch (the home of the famous elusive London artist, Banksy). It was amazing, they have 11 cats and all kinds of toys and cat trees. A cat haven if ever there was one. So today has really been a waste of a day, because I was so hungover and I didn't get any studying done. The good news is that I've only eaten once today and that was at Lady Dinah's. I had a salted caramel latte which I asked for skinny, but I doubt it was so maybe 250 cals, a few bites of red velvet cake (maybe 150?) and a cheese and ham bagel (450?) so 850 for the day. Not bad on a hangover. I'll weigh myself tomorrow morning and hopefully it should be under 70. I just don't want to have gained after the disaster last night. But it wasn't a ton of food... so I'm hopeful. 

Anyhoo - I want to dye my hair darkish grey... which will hopefully be a semi permanent colour thing. What do you guys think? 

Tomorrow, I'm going to go to gym in the morning and then to boots to see if I can find a grey hair dye (somewhere?) and then I'm going to study. Hoping to get at least 6 hours in. Wish me luck :)

Headaches & Nausea 

Xo Xo

As Expected

I didn't lose anything today. Not a single gram. And today is Friday which is my notorious binge day. I didn't binge. But I did eat about 1500 calories. Well... Okay, so I had a salad for lunch (370) - I didn't have the whole thing, but I did have about four fries. Then I had a weight watchers pasta for dinner (285)... Butttt then I had a few slices of chorizo with feta (500?), a glass of wine and two vodkas. So yeah. Let's assume 1500. But it isn't a huge binge and I'm glad I didn't go all the way. I just need to have my second vodka and go to sleep. Tomorrow. I'm going to Lady Dinah's Cat Cafe tomorrow evening and so I'll eat there. So no eating before then. I hope that I at least lose a little bit tomorrow, but it's doubtful. As long as I don't gain. 

Cats & Kittens

Xo Xo

Live & Die By The Scale

Today, I had a really good result on the scale: 69.8kg - sub-70!!!!!! I got there, but now I'm terrified about what the scale is going to say tomorrow. For the following reason. I got japsed at lunch. I totally fucked up my calorie count, because the salad I had for lunch was 214 calories but WITH the dressing it was 334 *sigh* AND because it was so "low" in calories, I bought a 2 pack of berry yoghurt rice cakes which I thought was 85 calories, but it was actually 85 calories EACH. FUCK. Yep, And to top it off I had a kiddie lasagne for dinner for 287 calories and then a ton of coffee today which I'm estimating to be at about 100 calories so my total (which is totally fucked up!) is 891. I'm expecting that my 1kg overnight loss is going to disappear quickly. I'm super hopeful that it at least stays the same, because then maybe I'll be sub 69 by MONDAY!!! How lovely would that be. 

Life & Death

Xo Xo

I'm Just Not Okay

I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I'm fat, I'm lonely, I don't like my new job... well no. It's not that the job is necessarily bad, it's that there is massive change about to happen in the company which is like literally exactly what I just came from. I feel like they lied to me. I weighed 70.8 this morning. BOO! But it's 0.9 so far this week, so it's okay I suppose. Today I have had about 850 cals which consisted of a lobster salad for lunch (I stupidly ate the dressing too which added 144 cals to the dish for a total of 350 cals), weight watchers chicken enchiladas for dinner (350) and then the rest was a cup of hot choc (38) and milk in my tea and coffee... I'm not like disgusted by it. Because I really want to binge, so I figure 850 is better than a binge. 

I'm in such a dark place, I wish I didn't have to feel this. 

Darkness & Gloom

Xo Xo

Purposefully.

I'm writing this blog post in two halves. I need to wait for another 20 minutes or so for my phone to charge and then I'm going to go to the gym and attempt to burn my intake for today. This is necessitated by two things. 1. I weighed 71.3 this morning which is a 0.4kg loss. This is NOT progress. 2. My stomach looks like I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm not kidding. 

I keep telling myself that progress takes time and that if I loss 0.4kg per day I'll be at my goal in no time. I know even the 0.4kg weightloss will seem like a ton once I get into lower weights. I JUST want to be below 70. I am literally enormous. I will persevere and be patient. Last time it took me three months to loss 10kg and now I'm trying to lose more than that and I'm older which means my metabolism is a bit fucked and I can't even fast. ANYWAY, so for all of these reasons. I'm going to gym. Today has been fine - I had a couple of cups of tea (50 cals), a flatbread for lunch (292), a monster (10), a mushroom butternut bake thing for dinner (329) and I nibbled on literally one or two things while I was making lunch tomorrow, blackberries, a slice of chorizo and a small bite of feta cheese (120) so my total for today is 801. De-pres-sing. Yeah, so I'm going to hit the treadmill hard now and hopefully do 800 calories worth of treadmill. Maybe I'll be a bit daring and do the step master instead. I'm going to update this when I get back from gym.

Peace & Love (for now...)
Xo Xo

**EDIT: So, I went to gym. Did a 20 minute run and then felt super short of breathe so I stopped. YAY, I burnt 235 calories which isn't great, but I now net 566 calories for the day. It's better than nothing.**

April Weekly Weigh-In

Monday Weigh-In; 71.7kg 

Weekly Loss: 1.3kg

% Loss: 1.78

Total Lost; 1.3kg

To Go: 13.7kg

So obviously my overeating on Saturday fucked it all up, because this morning it was not good news. So much for sub-70. OH WELL! Onwards and upwards. 

Today I started my new job and it was better than expected. Apart from the archaic computers and lack of any structure. At all. I seem to have a talent for finding strange, troubled companies. Oh well. Everyone was at the very least quite nice to me and I seem to have the run of the place to do whatever I want - it's just a question of whether the rest of the company, including my boss can get behind me and do what needs to be done in order for us to be successful. 

They took me to lunch today at a sushi place (queue white carbs) and I managed to get a salad worth about 320 calories. I also had a latte which I'm pretty sure the girl who ordered fucked up and didn't get me a skinny so that was probably a good 150 calories and then some milk with my morning and evening tea which was another 50 at least and then I had turkey mince chilli con carne which must've been about... 350? So today let's say was about 900 or thereabouts. Which is okay and hopefully tomorrow will be a loss. 

Despite the bad week that I've just had and the fuck up that was my weigh in today, I WILL BE BELOW 70 BY MONDAY! 

I do already feel my depression lifting a little, maybe all I needed was a distraction. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo 

Feuding On A Sunday

Today was basically spent feuding with David all day. I told him most of the truth about Friday night and suffice to say that he isn't happy. Of course with all the details he still thinks that I cheated on him and went back and forth passive aggressively accusing me of it. I of course, didn't cheat on him but that isn't good enough. So we fought and continued to fight and then he skyped me (he is in South Africa for two months) and I was basically talking to a wall - I would say something and he did even hear me. So I hung up and then he told me to fuck off. So he can fuck off. Like seriously bro, don't. 

Anyway, last night ended with a bit more eating than I would've liked, so I didn't weigh. Tomorrow is my weekly weigh-in. I have had about 600 calories today which has consisted of leftover saag curry (vegetarian) and rice, a diet lilt and some coffee. I'm going to stop here for the day. 

I went into this bag of clothes that I've been meaning to throw out for months now and it has a bunch of skinny clothes in it, including three particular bottoms that I have to be minute to fit into. I'm determined. 

*fingers crossed for sub-70*

Peace, Love & Skinny

Xo Xo

Today... Last Night

So this morning I woke up in Tooting Broadway at a work colleague's house, who is a man. NOTHING HAPPENED - I mean he tried it on obviously and definitely tried to cop a feel while we were sleeping but nothing more than that. I don't know... I knew that he wanted me and I knew that I was definitely not going to hook up with him (re: David - my boyfriend), but I wanted to feel wanted again. There is just something wrong with me at the moment - like mania associated with my BPD or something. I'm feeling self-destructive... like I used to feel when I slept with any man who wanted me, was super skinny, drank to destroy myself and pushed everyone away. I just don't know what's wrong with me. It's been like four months that this has happened. I mean - maybe my BPD is actually bipolar? I don't know. Anyway, I wanted to sleep with Josh, I wanted to get the thrill of being sexy. Much the same as Lukasz has been in touch with me again, he now lives back in Poland and I WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM! He asked me if I had a boyfriend, because when him and I stopped speaking back in November, David and I weren't back together. Of course, I won't. Sleep with either of them I mean - I just want to so badly. For my own gratification... and this may sound a bit fucked up, but to be boned like a stranger, exciting sex. When I am 58kg again, I know this is going to be even harder, because back then everyone wanted me. I could pick up any man anywhere. ANYWAY. Enough of that. 

The positive about yesterday despite all the bad decision making compliments of grey goose is that I didn't eat anything. I only drank vodka and soda and then later in the evening, the cunts started putting lemonade in instead. GROSS! But vodka, I will drink it. Then I went to Josh's. 

Today, courtesy of my hangover has not been great, but it hasn't also been absolutely awful. I had a sub on the way home from Josh - I literally just couldn't and I felt awful (589), a medium skinny latte from Costa (109), strawberries (65) and turkey chilli con carne (600?) and two sugar free Lilts (20) - so the total for the day is 1383 (so far). It isn't bad for a hangover day. I want to MAYBE go to gym later. 

I weighed myself after I got home from Josh's house and I weighed 71.1 - which was after the sub and the coffee, so I think realistically I would've been about 70.8 or something. But I'm also dehydrated from the alcohol. So actually who knows what the fuck my real weight is. I'm really counting down the minutes until I'm under 70. Under 70 is my safe place... 58 is my happy place, 65 is my stop panicking place. I still hope I'm under 70 by Monday... which is when I start my new job. And I'm fat. Great. 

Josh & Lukasz

Xo Xo

Can I Be Pissed?

I'm not sure if I can be pissed off about this, because it my fault - but I'm still pissed. I went to my doctor today for two reasons - the first is that I think I have some kind of exercise induced asthma - I've had like four attacks while exercising and it is quite literally the scariest thing in the world. Like if it isn't, not being able to breathe causes a panic attack which is kinda the same outcome at the end of the day. Anyway, so that aside. The other thing that I went there for is to go back on prozac - I've been off it for like a year now. And so anyway, I went to get another prescription because I'm not generally feeling okay at the moment. I feel a bit out of control and just shit. The prozac also helped control the binging, but I didn't tell her that part.  So I asked her for it and we chatted for a sec and I literally mentioned that it helps me control my ED (saying I didn't want the anxiety to affect it) and then she was all like 'ohhhhh, we need to speak more about this, can you come in next week' - I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK ABOUT IT!! ANYWAY, so I agreed to see her next week, but I start my new job next week so I'm literally going to postpone it for a week or two just like. Whatever. I got the prozac so it's actually all fine now. I'm irritated though, because I am not going through the fucking ringer of having to check in with an ED clinic again every six weeks. Fuck. That. Not to mention the whole process of being publicly weighed - I mean who needs that shit in their lives? So ja, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be pissed about this, but I am. must. control. it.

In other news, I weighed in at 71.3 this morning which is literally down 1.1kg (2lbs) since yesterday. Maybe I can be sub-70 by Monday? I know a lot of this is just water or carb bloat slim down whatever. I remain optimistic. The plan today is to pretty much do exactly what I did yesterday. I am hoping that I'll have another big loss tomorrow, but it sometimes doesn't happen. I console myself that I'm fat enough at the moment that the first 5kgs should melt off in a couple of weeks. Once I am around 65 again, I will calm down and probably want to leave the house again. 

I am SO NOT interested in being seen in public right now let alone any of my friends. I know they will judge me for being such a tub of goo - Oh look. SOMEONE has let themselves go (i.e. me) - we never noticed how annoying and fat she is (i.e. me) - lets all get hit on while fatty McWhale sits in the corner and sips sugary drinks (i.e. me). Yeah so it's mildly depressing.

I also NEED to study. 

Love & Drugs

Xo Xo

BLOG ME!

What can I say - despite having this blog for almost four years now, I still sometimes have loads to say. Firstly - intake for today. I'm pleased with it - according to my calorie counter (which is SUCH a novelty to use, because I can do this in my head instantly - today I wanted to treat myself) I have had 555 calories which has consisted of kale stirfry, a fromage frais and copious amounts of coffee/tea = milk. The event better news about this is that I also went for a 10km walk which burnt 653 calories. So, MUTHA FUCKERS if you can't do the maths - that is a net of (negative!!) - 98 calories. BOOM! Let's hope the scale reflects it. 

Secondly - I will be posting a weekly update like Lolita does. <3 Lolita! Anyway, so I will have an official weekly update. 

Thirdly, lastly - I cleaned up my reading list again today and I started with almost 300 blogs that I followed. I cleaned them up based on 1 single criteria and that is whether they have been active in the last six months (note: six months). I now have 29 blogs on that list. What the fuck happens to people in this community? Bored teenagers who think it's fashionable (and then not) to have an ED - do they die? do they recover? do they get bored of sharing? was their ED not an ED but in fact just one obsessive diet? I have no idea. It just makes a person think you know. ANYWAY, my lonely thoughts aside, I'd really like to have a few more blogs to read - any that you can recommend? I found like four new ones that I like (fuck it, may as well share):

• if you like Ruby's blog, you might like this one: Crazy or sick - there is just so much going on in her life. I kinda relate to this because if you are a bored kid at home with an eating disorder, that's one thing. When you are a functional adult and you have to manage your eating disorder around making sure that your life doesn't spontaneously combust, as lives do - I relate to this, the secrets, the shame, the judgment that you avoid
• Nobody dies a virgin, life fucks us all
• Finding a way out of depression - this lovely girl breaks my heart. I can relate to her loneliness wanting someone to listen (GO THERE NOW!)
• Mandy Devoidde 

Anyway, BLOG ME!! 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Atheist Philosophy.

I sometimes wonder sometimes like - what is the point of this all? You know how we are surrounded by all of this social media and advertising that tells us that happiness is a choice. A choice. Magically, we will always find fault in our lives and the situation that surrounds us dictates that there is always something to be unhappy about. That we need to see the bigger picture in order for minutia to be brushed over. This of course begs the conclusion that we know that things will always be shit. That we know that we have to let certain things go in order to follow through with our decision to be 'happy'. 

We have to make a conscious effort to be happy despite knowing better - and does that mean that our lives are essentially a pointless collection of 'making the most of it', 'taking it on the chin', 'stiff upper lip', 'find the silver lining' moments where despite knowing that it is all for nothing and that in the end we will die just as miserably as we have lived - we 'choose' to soldier on. Sometimes I just don't want to partake in this sick game that the universe is playing. Make the most of it and then you die as if you never lived.

The sick reality of this world without a god is that there is absolutely no point to our existence. What. So. Ever. Whatever motivation in this world we choose to subscribe to is pointless in the end. We can amass wealth, start a family, have the most happy relationship, build an empire - for what conceivable purpose? To have the comfort of knowing that once we die, we will be remembered? How illogical - to provide comfort to oneself while one is alive that once one is dead, one will still be remembered, but one won't find any comfort in this fact truly since once one is dead - one is dead. We won't know any better - we won't be comforted by anything - we won't even have to be worried about being comforted or not, because we won't be here. 

All of it comes to nothing. Once you die. It's lights out. I mean - that's it. If you don't believe in an afterlife, life after death in a religious sense then why the fuck are we here trying out best, working to pay the rent if we could die right now and it would be no more or less significant than if we waited 40 years. 

If a bully in real life was forcing you to do something so that in the end, they could play a prank on you *BAZINGA* - YOU wouldn't partake in the game to begin with. No one wants to be made fun of, but what is life other than one big prank? The punchline: And then you die and it was all for nothing. 

It's a sick, SICK game. I don't want to play.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Eating Disorder Anonymous?

I have a friend who is currently going through AA - working the steps as it were - and I started wondering if there is anyone who has connected with EDA in the US or internationally. I'm not entirely sure what my fascination with these types of support groups. In a way, I wish that I had people that I could talk honestly with about my shit. If you could just talk about the obsession and how exhausting it is. I don't really know honestly if I'm open to the idea of working steps, because I still don't 'want' to get better. But it would be great to have some people who are functional... eating disordered. Is anyone else interested in this kind of thing? Maybe, I dunno. Maybe, I might be interested in getting a group together and we can like... help each other. It's so fucked up isn't it? 

Anyway, yesterday's fast didn't quite happen. *shock* I ended up on 500 cals for the day which involved a kale stirfry and some weight watchers layered fruits fromage frais. Today the plan is coffee and diet LILT until 7pm then more kale stirfry and some fromage frais. 

I'm so fat. I wish someone would hear me. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

What Hunger Does

I feel like I've lost myself this year... I've kinda got to a point where I feel profoundly lost. The trouble is that for the life of me, I can't figure out why or how?

I am going to say that I've got fat, but it isn't the actual fat that is more awful to me. I used to be trendy and cool with a definite style and as I've gotten fatter, less of my clothes fit me and now I feel like I'm just a fat, pasty frump. As I'm fasting today, I feel a bit confused by how good this feels. I haven't fasted in probably two years. It is so cleansing and instantly gratifying. I feel like I'm doing something to look after my body... the tragedy of course evident. 

I have more money than I actually know what to do with now... So I'm going to start saving money. When did that happen. I'm busy planning a complete overhaul of my warddrobe because I can afford to. When did I care this much about my 'style'? 

I've taken on this exam and failure isn't an option. I should feel good about making this life decision and on the one hand I do, but on the other I feel like I've made a decision about my life - which is more than I can legitimately say I've done in year - exciting and terrifying. 

The thought has been lingering in my mind that I am a complete and utter control freak. The funny thing is that I reflect on my being and see that it is completely true. How have I lived my entire life thinking I'm easy going?

Fast time: 20 hours

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Time To Go Crazy!

I've decided to fast today and see if I can keep a fast going - I'm going to aim for tomorrow and see if I can just keep extending. It's literally been the longest time since I've even fasted for a day or whatever. Such little time. I also want to see if I can get some ritalin - how the fuck do I get hold of ritalin? Or adderall, but I don't think you get that here... Who knows? 

Fasted time: 13 hours

I miss being a stick. 

Peace & Far too many bongs...

Xo Xo

Where In The World Is Fat Piggy?

Hello everyone, god is does seem like is has been an age since I last posted (I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU GUYS, I SWEAR!!). Basically, shit has been going down in a big way since I last blogged and I was kinda /am kinda in a weird place at the moment, so it's been hard to blog and fight that overwhelming feeling which causes me to want to crawl up in a lonely ball in the corner of a dark room. That same ball that I was in over three years ago which led me to end up with a belly full of paracetamol in a ward full of crazy people... BUT NO! Don't worry, things are not that bad. They will never be that bad again, because all things considered - I will never be like that again. Anyway, I'll stop rambling on and tell you what's been up - this will be a long one. Warnings in advance. 

I suppose the logical place to start is that I turned 28 - yes, my dears. Twenty-fucking-eight. It didn't seem that scary at the time, but the more I've had to repeat it to myself over the past month, the more scary that number has sounded. This prompted what can only be classified as a quarter life crisis which I believe began at the beginning of the year. 

I've been fucking miserable at work - I've said this like a hundred times over the past few months on this blog. So what's a fucking Piggy to do? ANSWER: The most fucking irrational thing possible. Resign from my job, get another with a direct competitor, get sentenced to gardening leave (for those not in the corporate world, gardening leave is where you don't have to work out your notice period and are paid to sit on your arse for two months!) - AWESOME RIGHT? Bored. More like it - and last piece of the puzzle is to enroll in a completely unrelated industry's hardest professional exam to be taken at the end of the year. Tsk. Tsk. Piggy - so impulsive, have you learnt nothing? 

Yep, this is what I've done. I enrolled to take the CFA level 1 at the end of this year - December to be exact and it is an investment banking/derivatives and alternative investment qualification which will essentially end with me being a dreaded and notorious London Banker Wanker. It was impulsive, but my never ending arrogance has essentially ended up with me thinking I have the stones to do this without a problem. So I'm doing it - no. fucking. problem. 

I am currently on garderning leave as of two days ago - I start my new role with a solar specific media company who are direct competitors of my current/old company and they basically frog-marched me out of the office the minute I resigned. WHICH was before I left for a two-week holiday in Thailand. So that's another thing. I just got back from Thailand and now I have another two weeks off. YAY ME, right? ...right? I mean, boredom for two weeks is manageable I think - don't go to the dark side PIGGY!? STOP!! Thailand was absolutely magical. I'll write a separate post on Thailand later tonight for those that have never been - but if you haven't, I would strongly recommend it - any Thai-based people read this blog? If you do, leave us a comment. It was something that you have to experience once in a lifetime. Although, I will say that growing up in Cape Town spoilt it a bit for me - all the beaches and beautiful scenery were only as good as what I grew up with, it wasn't better necessary. Except the crystal blue water, that was fucking. amazing. 

Before I went to Thailand, I was in Boston for a week - another fucking AMAZING city. I absolutely adore Boston. I would live there in a heartbeat... who knows, maybe one day I will :). And then two days after I got back from Boston, I was in Amsterdam. But I've been there like three times now so nothing to write home about. I'd like to go there on a trip with my David and my sister and her hubby (none of them have been) in the summer. It will happen :). ANYWAY, so that kinda brings things up to date for now. 

FUCK NO! It doesn't. There has been some rough stuff in the past few months. The first is that my beautiful kitten Gremlin dislocated his jaw. As you can well imagine, for those who know me - I had a total fucking meltdown. Like ugly crying over my poor kitten - luckily,he didn't have to have surgery and they just popped it back in. That was 8 days ago when I was in Thailand and he 100% a-okay now, thank fucking fuck. The other piece of bad news is that one of my closest friends in London is moving back to South Africa in May. She is in AA and it's been awfully rough for her. She's never settled on London as her home even though she has been here a bit longer than I have (it was my 3 year anniversary of London last week). I'm going to miss her. 

And lastly, just when you thought Cape Town was the most evil poisonous place in the world for me, David has also gone there for two months to do a pediatric placement in the Red Cross Children's Hospital. My smart boyf is now officially a doctor - he got a first in his finals and got the results a few weeks ago. *snaps for David*. (Done well for myself innit!?) I miss him already - he took care of Gremlin when I was in Thailand and I think that all this time has really made be grow to love in a way that is almost as strong as Roy. Although, him being in Cape Town now I am kinda tweaking out that he is going to do the same thing to me that Roy did - i.e. leave me to shack up with the neighbour. I don't deserve him.

So the final thing on this incredibly long blog post is my weight. I weighed myself this morning and it is 73.0kg. How-oh-how have I slid so far back. Unacceptable. The buck stops here. I started Kayla again this week which I'm leaving for the gym to do in a couple of hours. Calorie-wise, I'm aiming for under 1000. I don't want to go back to starving like I used to, but I need to manage my weight. Starving is all I know. But I won't go back. Binging is actually what I know best and I'm not past that yet. 

ANYWAY, I'll keep you all posted on the weight and now you're all pretty much up to speed on my life so that's taken care of. Sorry I've been gone so long. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo