So this morning I woke up in Tooting Broadway at a work colleague's house, who is a man. NOTHING HAPPENED - I mean he tried it on obviously and definitely tried to cop a feel while we were sleeping but nothing more than that. I don't know... I knew that he wanted me and I knew that I was definitely not going to hook up with him (re: David - my boyfriend), but I wanted to feel wanted again. There is just something wrong with me at the moment - like mania associated with my BPD or something. I'm feeling self-destructive... like I used to feel when I slept with any man who wanted me, was super skinny, drank to destroy myself and pushed everyone away. I just don't know what's wrong with me. It's been like four months that this has happened. I mean - maybe my BPD is actually bipolar? I don't know. Anyway, I wanted to sleep with Josh, I wanted to get the thrill of being sexy. Much the same as Lukasz has been in touch with me again, he now lives back in Poland and I WANT TO SLEEP WITH HIM! He asked me if I had a boyfriend, because when him and I stopped speaking back in November, David and I weren't back together. Of course, I won't. Sleep with either of them I mean - I just want to so badly. For my own gratification... and this may sound a bit fucked up, but to be boned like a stranger, exciting sex. When I am 58kg again, I know this is going to be even harder, because back then everyone wanted me. I could pick up any man anywhere. ANYWAY. Enough of that.
The positive about yesterday despite all the bad decision making compliments of grey goose is that I didn't eat anything. I only drank vodka and soda and then later in the evening, the cunts started putting lemonade in instead. GROSS! But vodka, I will drink it. Then I went to Josh's.
Today, courtesy of my hangover has not been great, but it hasn't also been absolutely awful. I had a sub on the way home from Josh - I literally just couldn't and I felt awful (589), a medium skinny latte from Costa (109), strawberries (65) and turkey chilli con carne (600?) and two sugar free Lilts (20) - so the total for the day is 1383 (so far). It isn't bad for a hangover day. I want to MAYBE go to gym later.
I weighed myself after I got home from Josh's house and I weighed 71.1 - which was after the sub and the coffee, so I think realistically I would've been about 70.8 or something. But I'm also dehydrated from the alcohol. So actually who knows what the fuck my real weight is. I'm really counting down the minutes until I'm under 70. Under 70 is my safe place... 58 is my happy place, 65 is my stop panicking place. I still hope I'm under 70 by Monday... which is when I start my new job. And I'm fat. Great.
Josh & Lukasz
Xo Xo
2 comments:
It's amazing how everything gets easier after a few coctails but still there's a thin line between being drunk, and being pathetic. I hate loosing control or not remembering things that I had said or done.
I totally get the rush of sleeping with strangers, it's a very particular kind of high. I'm (really, cripplingly) terrified of commitment and I find myself secretly craving it sometimes but I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend. I do love him but it's scary and weird and annoying sometimes. I miss it, the simplicity and the fun and the no strings. Joe is worth it though.
I'm a little hungover and not altogether sober myself right now so I might not be all together coherent but kudos to you for not sexing with the guy.
Take care beautiful <3
Mandy xx
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