Just A Little Blog

To mention that I am officially feeling dizzy as fuck when I stand up and this to me is a positive sign. I mean - yes, it's really fucked up that I think it's a good thing. But I'm stoked, because it means that I am restricting enough that it should work. I.e. Weightloss should happen. 

I've had like 450 calories today. I'm stoked. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Rotator Cuff

So, I've mentioned my dodgy shoulder - the thought occurred to me today whilst being in agony from the very tame yoga I did on Thursday that something is wrong with the muscles or something. Like - it's not the same as my dodgy knee - which is a ligament. So now I'm all freaked out about it being a rotator cuff injury - the symptoms are consistent. So I'm going to go to the doctor and get it checked out. If it is, it has been around for seven years. Idiot, Piggy. Idiot. 

Anyway, my scale has not moved and I'm convinced it is broken. I have a size small skirt from Zara that I need to fit into soon. Because it is cute as fuck. I figure it should fit decently when I'm back around 65. I will, I will, I will. So clean eating and under 1000 calories. And the yoga. Anyway, I can zip it up - but it's snug and my fat hangs over. SO I need to lose that. I can, I can, I can. 

I'm just waiting to get paid and then I'm gonna buy my roller derby kit and that should be good exercise for me. So hopefully my first practice will be on Thursday. There is a team intake on 12 January and I need to make sure I get stupid good at skating before then. I want to make the team. 

Boom! 

Bloaty & Fatty

Xo Xo

WHERE IS EVERYONE?

The bloggersphere is well and truly dead for the holidays... Ruby and I seem to be the only two that are posting. Although, the level of interest in my blog probably mirrors the amount of stuff that I have to say, which is arguably not much. 

Today, I spoke to a couple of recruiters about jobs, although I have a bit of follow up work to do from other jobs and a contract in the pipeline due to start next week. Sigh. I just need to finish my book. I will, I will, I will. 

I also started the 30-day yoga challenge today. So day 1 is done. I'm so inflexible, it's a joke. I can't bend at all and my body is so broken from judo and other stupid endeavors. Christmas break is drawing closer and closer, and I don't think I'm going to snowboard. I don't want to die. BUT I do want to finish a script for a tv series for this competition I saw... I have an idea. 

*evil genius maniacal laugh* MWAHAHAHA! 

Where is everyone? Seriously, I'm talking to myself. 

Going Crazy & Gone Fishing?

Xo Xo 

Adult Things

I hate and love being an adult. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want to do and more importantly, that I don't have to listen to anyone at all except myself. Things I don't like about being an adult is having to make adult decisions. Bills, career, men - taking the highroad. FUCK THE FUCKING HIGH ROAD! The only high road that I want to take is the one at the other end of the bong that I'm smoking. Fuck sakes. 

ANYWAY. So today, I got a credit card. My first adult credit card. Can you even? I mean - I don't want it, because I think that they are a scam - a one time access to your credit amount and thereafter, you are just spending and replenishing. Rinse, repeat. But anyway, I need one for my consulting business until my writing efforts take off. 

My book, Race War I is coming along really nicely. I'm editing like a mad person... does anyone know of any book bloggers out there who I should send it to when I'm finished? 

I've had about 600 cals today. Feeling good about it. Consisting of steel cut oats for breakfast and egg fried rice for dinner. Greeeeeat. 

Period bloating. 

I'm crazy, so what? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Breakthroughs

This has nothing to do with my diet, but I figured out an important part of my book, so I thought I would just take a minute and shout about it. I also sent it to three literary agents, so here's to hoping. Although from what I have heard, most agents say no, so obviously I am not expecting anything good. But hey, you never know. 

OPTIMISM! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

When The Wheel Fall Off

There really is something pathologically wrong with me - like. I am incapable of not fucking things up. I'm just not a very nice person. So summary of the last week - I went ham on Colbey and I think things are pretty much done now. Basically, he had said that we would hang out on Saturday and on Saturday at 6pm I had still not heard from him, so I went ham - telling him he was an inconsiderate cunt etc, etc. Then at about 8pm, he uploaded some pics to facebook with his friends (a few with this girl who he looked very cosy with and I'm fairly certain they are porking) - anyway, so then I REALLY went ham - because he had not replied to any of my texts - then he replied and made the point that I had never actually expressed any commitment about these plans, but rather left it as - I'll decide tomorrow - kinda vibes. SO. It was kinda my fault. The whole thing - he told me I was high maintenance. 

Then I went out on Saturday on a reasonably empty stomach (I'd had a thins sandwich that day, so 200 cals) - and drank a SHITLOAD of tequila. I apologised to Colbey on Sunday and we have texted since, but he certainly isn't as interested as he was - I'm convinced that it is because he is dicking that short girl. It's because I'm fat - I know it. Fuck her. Fuck them both. 

From Saturday night till yesterday, I have been ill - like really, really ill and couldn't really eat. Except for one bingey carby meal that I forced myself to eat. Horrible. Anyway, but yesterday and today have been good days. 

I haven't left the house in days, I'm ignoring everyone on text. I want to go to sleep and wake up in three weeks. 

The silver lining is that I have a lead on a new contract which I should hopefully start next week - so at least this week will be my one and only of unemployment for a while. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Still No Scale, BUT!

Day 11 of clean eating is now completed - I really want to have some junk food though, but then I look at pictures of Colbey's ex and I'm fine again. Anyway, yay. So I have no idea what I weigh because my scale is still fucked, but the good news is that I'm entering this sleep study for a month and have to go for a full check up re: health and the good news about that is that they will most likely weigh me - if not, there will definitely be a scale there. AND, I can't eat for six hours before the appointment which is at 2.15pm so that means I will still be at my lightest when I go there. It will be good to know what I weigh. 

So today calorie-wise, according to my tracker I've had 685 calories. Which consisted of a ham and egg sandwich (on a warburton thins), a tiny salad consisting of 27g of feta cheese and tomato with balsamic and garlic egg fried brown rice for dinner. Anyway, so I'm stoked about that. I do feel like I'm getting smaller and considering I have successful restricted for 11 days with no break, I should in theory be down at least some weight. 

I will let y'all know. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Day 10

So today has been significant for me for a number of reasons. The happy news is that I have completed day 10 in a row of clean eating with no binging. Save for those beers I had last Thursday, but I don't think those count. And my calories have been strictly below 1000 since then. So that is news which really makes me very happy. 

The shit news is that my scale is broken so I have absolutely no way of knowing how much I weigh. I figure however that if I keep going like this for another ten days I will have the best surprise when I finally have enough money to buy a scale which is looking like it may only be the end of November now. But that's okay. ANYWAY. SO. 

Then some badder news - my company don't want to renew my contract until the next director starts in January, so that's shit. I am officially unemployed as of Friday afternoon. Great. But then that brings some more hopeful news. I have decided to push and get my book online for sale by the 15th of December. So... well. It's going to be a hell of a month to get that done, however. I know that I can do it. I've also set myself a list of tasks to market the hell out of the book and I'm hoping with good technique and some PR savvy, I can make this work. 

The other good news related to that is that I launched a very basic version of my FB page, so please go ahead and check it out. Please forgive the hideous picture, I need to get more pics taken, but I also need to spread the word. 

The okayish news is also that things with Colbey are great and I'm so into him. Just thought I'd say that. AGAIN. 

Calorie wise I've had two pieces of toast with this very garlicky eggland dip (maybe 200 tops), a ham thin sandwich (170), homemade sweet and sour chicken (350?) and tea with milk (100) so that's a total of 820 for the day. I can get behind that. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

When I Learnt To Restrict

I have had an eating disorder since I was about 15, I reckon. It wasn't always what it is now - back then it was a lot of uncontrollable binging. Then starving for a week, binging for a week - I was never thin, I gradually increased in weight and ended up at my highest weight. When I was 17 I wanted to lose weight for my prom, so I started eating vegetables only. I gave up dairy, meat and sugar and the weight dropped pretty quickly. But again, I wasn't exactly thin. I think my lowest back then was about the same as I am right now. 70-ish. But that was when I first dipped my toe into long-term sustained restricting. 

Fast forward 7 years and I was in London, shagging a worthy Australian named Ben, who I wanted more than anything (although he was mean and annoying) - we had been shagging for about three months and I thought things were going somewhere with him, even though I knew that secretly he was in love with Monika - my bestie. In a way, though I have never admitted this, I only hooked up with him in the first place so she wouldn't have him. Whatever, I was young. Anyway, so I behaved like a stupid horrible possessive drunk one night at a houseparty and Ben broke things off the next day. I was embarrassed and upset with him and myself. And the thing that stung the most was that I KNEW that him and Monika would hook up - and that pissed me off more than anything. When you are the fat girl, you don't want the thin girl to win. She was quite skinny back then and I was jealous. 

Anyway, so after this happened, I just didn't feel like eating. I would have a can of Heinz soup for lunch and a small dinner. It would probably still 1000 - 1500 calories, but I just didn't want to eat and I reveled at my body for this. I dropped 10lbs very quickly. In like... two weeks. It was amazing and then after that even when I did feel like eating I would stop myself, because I knew that I could go with much less food. 

When I went back to Cape Town and met Roy, I ate normally for a while. I didn't gain any of the weight back but didn't lose. And then one day, when our relationship was starting to sour, I came on blogger and started reading and I KNEW that I could do this. So I set myself a goal initially of 1000 calories a day. I used to obsess about food, blogging, tracking my meals, exercising - all of it. I was obsessed. If you read back to some of my first posts, you can see how obsessed I was with this platform. Gradually I would decrease my calories, but I never went through a long period of time with very very low cals - like 100 a day kinda low. But the weight dropped off pretty quickly, over three months I'd say I lost about 20lbs. It was amazing. 

I loved everything about being skinny. I loved my collar bones and the way clothing used to hang off of me. I loved not having to second guess what I was wearing because I knew that I didn't have much fat to hang out of things. I loved the attention from men and that people always used to ask me if I was a model. I loved hooking up with men that I knew were completely out of my league or sitting around the table with girlfriends who would comment on how skinny I was as I chowed down on a hamburger (for show, because of course that meant that I wouldn't eat for a week). 

Anyway, I was thinking about this in the shower yesterday and just wanted to share. I am going back to that place, because no amount of food or therapy is ever going to make me as happy as I was when I looked that way. Maybe I am vain, but it is beyond me to care about that - I want to be skinny. Not too skinny, like 130lbs (I'm tall). I just want to feel like that again. Hopefully by Christmas, things will have improved. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo

When Things Become Obsessive

So here's the thing. Today I've likely had about 900 - 1000 calories - I'm not entirely sure how much because I made myself a "clean" sweet and sour chicken with a third of a cup of brown rice and eggs on toast for breakfast. Now I KNOW that I'm in my calorie range. I get it. Problem is that a sandwich and a full meal - that's way too much. There is no way I'm losing tomorrow. 

Logically, I know that I'm okay and if I don't lose it isn't because I fucked up - I haven't cheated or binged in a full week. (Long may it last!) But it's too much food! Way too much. 

On the flip, I did a deep clean of my flat today for four hours so I hope that burnt some calories. Great. 

There's no way I'm going to lose tomorrow. 

In other news, I had tea with my neighbour tonight (the neighbour who definitely saw me getting it on with a guy in the garden a few weeks ago, yes I know). He didn't say anything, but I'm mortified. 

I have not seen Colbey at all this weekend. I'm really upset that he said he'd come see me today and he didn't. Obsessed. Like a fucking teenager. 

Logic & Reason 

Xo Xo

Saturday...

I did literally jackshit today. I was SO hungry today, but I managed to control it. I had a chicken sandwich (400 cals), one slice of toast with tuna (180) and a herbalife shake (130). My total with milk from my tea et al was 737. I'm happy with that. 

I've also discovered that my scale is fucked. I weighed myself four times today, letting the scale switch off between weighs and got four different weights. Great. Fucking MARV! So now I need to get a new scale when I get paid. Great. 

Tomorrow is meant to be a cheat day, because I thought that it was going to be 7 days no binge. But I did binge last Sunday. So I'm going to let myself have cheat food now when I get below 70kg. Which should hopefully be soon. So here we go. Day 6 no binge. 

I did not see Colbey today so y'all can breathe a sigh of relief, no Colbey chatter - I did however use my motivation tool today to keep myself in good order i.e. looking at pics of his perfect whore ex! STICK INSECT WITH NO SOUL!

Striving to be skinny & Crying to be loved

Xo Xo

Obsessive

I think I am really obsessive at the moment... I'm not sure why. 

Obsession 1: Colbey. I forgot to mention in my last post that when I was charging his phone after it was dropped off here at my house at 4.45am after he left it in an uber, the phone turned on and a bunch of messages came through - which obviously I did not read (I'm not like that). But one of the messages that came through - if you know iPhone's, you can see a summary of all the messages without unlocking the phone - was from 'Diana' on Tinder. Now, I didn't read it (because there is a passcode and thank god for that, because I'm not sure I would've been able to restrain myself otherwise) - I also didn't say anything to him about that. Like I've decided to not go all Roy on this poor guy, so if he says he's not banging other people, then I choose to believe him. 

Obsession 1 leads to number obsession 2...

Obsession 2: Weightloss - even today I managed to not binge. I ended on 850 calories (on a hangover, I'm reasonably impressed with myself) - which consisted of a weightwatchers shake, a spinach smoothie, tuna with pickles and wholewheat egg-fried rice. So yeah, there was a point this afternoon where I was about to pack it in, but then (obsession 1 kicked in) I used my new go-to trick - stalking Colbey's ex on facebook - the STICK INSECT BITCH WITH NO SOUL! 

Which leads to obsession number 3....

Obession 3: Colbey's Ex. It was the most insignificant of his relationships, she is the only one he doesn't speak to anymore, but for some reason this woman haunts me. FUCKING STICK INSECT WITH NO SOUL! I think she annoys me for the following reasons: She is fucking skinny, fit skinny even; They traveled together a lot and it annoys me when people have traveled more than I have; She came from a very demure Oxford family and I'm... a hot mess?; She met his parents - AND YES, I KNOW I'VE ONLY JUST STARTED DATING HIM AND I HATE FAMILIES, but it's the principal (If it was a choice between logic and principal, I would choose principal every time!); She's pretty and little.

Obsession 4: My career or lack thereof. So I finally think that I've broken through what I think I want to be doing with my life. So there is my book - which is *watch this space*, but then there are also other things - for example, before I turn 30 (a year and a half about-ish) I want to do stand-up comedy. It scares the bejesus out of me so I've given myself some time to work up to it. Then, I've also decided that I want to try and write a pilot for a tv sitcom. Now, this is left-field I understand, but I have a friend who works at ITV (aka the home of Downton Abbey) and they have a commissioning scheme. I also have a really good idea and I may try and get it in front of an agent. I have a very strong idea and I'm 100% gonna write this shit and get it out there. I'm meant to be a creative and a writer, I'm meant to share my ideas and I can't believe that it has taken me 28 years to figure this out. How did I ever think I was going to be a lawyer?

Anyway, so basically the obsession of the moment is Colbey and I'm really sorry that I keep droning on about him - there is more to come... I apologise in advance. I'm seeing him tomorrow and I can't fucking wait. 

I've been so inspired lately that I've started painting again... I haven't painted since I left England the first time, so 2011. Roy really killed my love of painting... He told me once that he wouldn't have dated me if I didn't paint. Asshole. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

WHOOP! Loss-Ahoy!

So yesterday, Colbey texted me at like 2pm and said that he forgot he had some tickets for Blackalicious, did I want to go? I'm fucking broke, so I was like - nooooo, I'll pass - like I'll go watch the fireworks instead. But I have his phone, so it was like - dude, come fetch after, but he texted - I mean facebooked - at about 6 saying he was coming to mine. So I just YOLO'd the fuck out of it and went with him - I had THE BEST TIME! I didn't think I was into hip hop - turns out I am. Colbey is a ton of fun and without sharing TOO much (but fuck it, it's my blog) - the sex is like. mind-blowingly good. 

ANYWAY, so yesterday I managed to stay good food-wise - I had a soy latte and then figured before I was going out that I didn't want to throw up after one beer or pass out, because I was wearing heels, so I ate a small can of chickpeas (130) and half a banana (50) - but thennnnn I had four pints of beer and a vodka, so that was a good 1200. 

But then, lo and behold, I lost another 1.2kg today. I'm sure that it is because I'm dehydrated from the alcohol, but what I am going to do is make sure that I don't binge. I'm allowing myself a big old cheat meal on Sunday, so I need to not eat shit before then and I'm going to go for a long walk later to make sure that I don't get all fat tomorrow. 

I am feeling better as I'm shrinking - long may the motivation last! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Diet & Exercise Myth

In my bouts of ED mania over the years - the times when I starve, the times (like now) where I uncontrollably binge for months on end, the times when I get it right, the times when I become obsessed with exercise (however fleeting) - there are a few things that one comes to realise, maybe it is a truth that the rest of the world don't actually understand - that is simply that you can 'diet' (atkins, tim noakes, banting, paleo, vegan, raw, high-carb, low-carb, low-fat, etc) and lose moderate amounts of weight - getting to a 'healthy' weight. You can do that, but the easiest and most efficient way of losing weight is to simply drastically cut calories. 

I am a child of efficiency, I loathe inefficiencies. I'm not OCD, I'm not a neat freak - I just always choose the path of least resistance and I will not do something in 10 steps if there is a way to do it in 6. I'm basically the ultimate lazy person. I have no necessarily been starving myself, well not by any definition I know. 800 - 1000 calories over three days and have lost 1lb a day. Now tell me why I would go to the fucking trouble of having to exercise and to prepare so much yukky food that no one wants to eat. 

It is a fucking MYTH, I tell you. A MYTH that we need to eat healthy and exercise to be skinny. No, you just need to get less - as I get older, sure I find that I need to eat healthier food, just because I don't want to completely feel apart and it makes me feel physically better (*cough* ignore the millions of gallons of coffee I consume), but I know that if I cut calories the weight will go. 

So yeah, down another 0.6kg today - which is 1.6kg since Monday morning. Stoked. 

I will be skinny & I will not exercise

Xo Xo

Bookstores

So... *drum roll* please...

I lost 1kg between yesterday and today - which is about 2lbs. I'm stoked about that, particularly as I went over my calories yesterday. So anyway, I realise that it is probably water weight, but hey - got to start somewhere. Anyway, so today - calories were better, but not great. I had a smoothie, a salad for dinner and then some apple juice, two rocky road bites and a chocolate thing bite - the latter bites were at a writing workshop that I went to for NaNoWriMo. I wasn't going to have anything, but then I decided to just have one and then I had three. Anyway, they were really small and it wasn't more than 200 cals and I adjusted my dinner according. Anyway, so today was about 920 calories or thereabouts. 

Yeah, so it's okay. Let's hope for a loss tomorrow. More water, Piggy. I need to drink more water. 

Colbey has not texted me since 8pm last night. He has two girls staying with him. His ex-girlfriend is smoking out. Stop being insecure and just get thinner. I bet he's over me. Someone like me does NOT end up with someone like him. 

Water & Skinny

Xo Xo

When You Have To Pep Talk Yourself

Stop obsessing about his ex-girlfriend and just BE THINNER!

X & O
Xo Xo

Today.

My disgusting weight and my disgusting body. Look it's not great. I have made a number of decisions regarding my diet and my weight. I'm sticking to 1000 calories and below. I am not obsessing about minimum numbers and endless fasts. The goals are simple: 

1. No binging
2. No high GI foods (i.e. no processed foods)
3. No fast food/take-aways (I'm SO guilty of this one)
4. No crisps 
5. NO BINGING NO BINGING NO BINGING

Yesterday was really good. Today was alright. I did have dinner at Monika's house, which was basically just a lovely chat about my Colbey and my book. So food first - I had a spinach, almond milk, chia seed and banana smoothie, and for dinner about 8 dark chocolate covered strawberries, a grilled salmon steak and a chickpea and avocado salad. Total on my tracker is 1016. Even though it is over my 1000, I walked home from the station instead of taking the bus and I'm still pleased, because I haven't binged and I haven't eaten any junk. Even the dark chocolate on the strawberries was minimal and apparently dark chocolate isn't entirely the enemy. ANYWAY. 

So about my book - the book's name is now: Race War: The Beginning. I am 68,000 words into the book and I've got 22,000 left. I'm planning on releasing it sometime in February. And I hope I can count on anyone who still reads this dribble to at least buy one copy or two. :) 

NO BINGING!! 

Tomorrow, at NaNoWriMo, we are going to an old bookstore near Kings Cross Station and amongst the greats I will have the privilege of writing my meager offering. I am starting to feel really amazing about this book, like I may actually have a chance at being recognised for writing something good and contributing my opinion. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Beautiful (Thin)Fitspo

Love & Light in Black & White

Xo Xo

Halloween

So this weekend... I stayed in on Friday night and didn't eat. Much - I mean about 900 altogether. On Saturday, I was nervous as hell - it was going to be my first public outing with Colbey and I was absolutely terrified. I was running really late and eventually got to my friends house - they got to the pub before we did and then we showed up about twenty minutes after kickoff. The All Blacks won! Thank fuck, because Colbey and I had a bet that if either of our teams won the World Cup, the other would get the emblem tattooed on the ass. Thank fuck. 

So when we got there, Colbey was fucking. wasted. I mean - Fifteen beers and a fifth of vodka kinda wasted. He was screaming horrible things at the game (unsportsmanly things ergo horrible) which made me really shifty and his friend Nath was there, who I was trying to hook up with Monika - thankfully, my friends saved the day by also coming along so it wasn't an awful couple situation. Colbey and I barely looked at each other the entire game - I was MORTIFIED!! Even thinking about it - I AM mortified. 

He was super cute though, kept trying to grab me and kiss me... which was sweet in a way and then we went back to Monika's flat and he passed the fuck out. It was cute, but really messy. After a couple of hours, we dressed up and went out. He didn't make it into the club, so I was on drunk duty. And from there... I had the best possible night. He is HEAPS of fun. We partied all night and then at about 1am we left the bar and started having a London mission. 

We went and got dirty burgers (a MILLION CALORIES!) and then walked along the river, we sat on this wall for ages making out... It was absolutely beautiful. He totally told me he loved me (which was a drunk confession so 100% not true) and it was the sweetest thing. And then we had the best sex... OMG that I have had in ages. He is just so... Yeah. Amazing. 

Anyway, then yesterday, we spent the whole day just hanging out. He was super cuddly and cute. He's so ticklish and he sleeps like a teddy. We went and had lunch with his friend and he's super affectionate (even in front of the friend) - like, holding my hand and stuff... It was. Just so great. We did talk about our ex's a bit. Then stupidly I went and stalked all the ex's on fb. The first two are throwaways. And like - no threat there. 

The most recent one, which is like a year and a bit ago - she is smoking hot, really pretty and she looks like a ton of fun. The pics - like they were doing tons of stuff together, travelling - she met his parents. Like - I FUCKING HATE HER. I WANT TO KILL HER. FUCKING WHORE PERFECT BITCH HO!  So, yeah. That was a mistake. The good news is that it is really motivating me to get thin again and to be more active and fun already. More than just drinking. 

Anyway, so that was my weekend. He left his phone in the uber and it was dropped off here at 4.45am this morning, I now have his phone less than a few feet away and the temptation is too much. But I don't know the passcode. ANYWAY, forget about it - I'm not going to act like a psycho with this one. This is it - I am not fucking this up. Today I've had about 200 cals, including a herbalife shake (150 - I figured if I make it with almond milk, it's less calories) and coffee. 

I will weigh tomorrow, but I ate like shit on Sunday. A lot of shit. So I'm not expecting anything. I am going to a write-in in an hour which is a get together of writers who sit and write for 2 hours. It's part of NaNoWriMo - which is National November Writers Month or something like that with the goal of writing an entire book (or 50000) in one month. Now, I've already got 63000 words, so I've only got 27000 to reach my goal. So this month will be about finishing my book. And getting it ready for editing. 

YES! 

Love & Writing

Xo Xo