I Could Have Got A Scale

So I got paid today and instead of running out and buying a scale ASAP like I had planned to, I got a manicure and ordered some boots online. I thought about buying a scale... I thought about all of the places that I could go on my way home to get one - because, I finished at 4pm today (because I started at 7am). I thought I could go to Argos, I could've got one at TKMaxx, I could've got one at Boots, at Superdrug and Wilko. There were tons of places that I COULD have got a scale. 

I went for a manicure. I got my eyebrows done. I went into the wonderful world of Whole Foods and got some mouthwash, some coconut oil to do oilpulling.  

I did not however get that fucking scale. 

The reason is because I am having a thin day today. I actually felt good. My collarbones look like they are becoming a little hollower. My stomach feels a little bit flatter... I don't know what I weigh and I'm 100% sure that I'm not below 70kgs and I JUST want to feeeeeeel good for a little bit longer. We live and die by the scale, and when I do I'm going to see how shit fat I still am and how far I have to go. I want to just leave it till the weekend maybe and then I'll face the scale. 

In the meantime, I'm still trying for my 800 cals a day. I had a burger for lunch - well the patty, with the bottom half of the bun, lettuce and tomato, about six fries (I googled how many cals a plain pub burger is and it was 450 cals, minus half the bun, so I dunno, 400?) and then all my milk from my coffees today (I only had one plus teas so 100), soup for dinner (180), a pudding cup (85) and blackberries (63) - so let's total up at 828. I'll take it. 

I also have a date tomorrow, I think. I must just confirm it, but yeah. He is 32 and Portuguese, and he says he is the same height as me which I'm totally sure means he is actually shorter than me... you know how men lie about their height. 

Anyway, I will buy a scale soon. I have to know. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

18 Days Until My Birthday

What was meant to be a fast this weekend, clearly has not turned out to so. On Friday, I wanted to have this particular sandwich which had - no jokes - 900 calories in it. So, I then had a mini-binge fest, so another 2000 calories. I mean - whatever. But it was with the intention of having two days of fasting to rid myself of that grossness. Yesterday though, my willpower gave out and I started walking down to the supermarket to get millions of calories. On the way though, I managed to talk myself off a cliff and settled on a pasta bake, zero calorie energy drink and some apples. I managed to only have about 800 calories yesterday because of it. I'm going to take this as a small victory. It wasn't a fast, but it could've been a binge and it didn't turn out that way. 

It is my birthday on the 17th of March and I have this skirt from Zara that I bought a year and a half ago. I've worn it twice and both times it was hopelessly too tight. It is a charcoal, high waisted, flared skirt in matt, patent leather. It is SO fabulous and it's my skinny skirt. I tried it on this morning and it will zip up, but it is super tight and my stomach fat bulges over the top. My goal for the next 18 days is to get into that skirt for my birthday. So I need to behave. I'm going to move forward my 800 calorie reduction to now. I get paid tomorrow, so I can again afford to eat skinny food all day. 

I want to get into it for my birthday and I will, I will, I will. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Narcotics & Ghosts

So, what's been happening then. On Saturday night last weekend, it was a friends birthday - the plan was to go to hers and have a drunken, BUT CHILLED night in. What ended up happening was far more sinister. A lot of cocaine. A lot of alcohol. A lot of me running my damn mouth about my "hard life" to a relative stranger. I am obviously appalled and never want to see this individual ever again. There was a bit of eating on Saturday, but for the most part there wasn't any binging. And there still hasn't been. 

So on top of being on the worlds biggest come down, I was also haunted a little by some of the stuff that I was talking to this random guy about. It was just not a great situation. The day after you take a boatload of narcotics (as my friendly friends on this blog who have partaken will be able to attest to) is that you have this disgusting broken sleep which is superficial and dreamlike. Coupled with aching sinuses and the feeling that there is a small amphibian living up your nose, it's just a miserable day. The comedown also doesn't go away immediately - it lasts for several days - not the broken sleep mind you, but an insufferable level of irritability and depression that usually sends me into a tailspin. 

I was haunted by my loneliness and the depression that I find in having to work in an office and my lack of overall human freedom. That I'm not sitting on a beach somewhere able to do what I love - why can I not just live? Or exist. Why does life have to be about purpose and motivation? As you all know, these things really bother me. 

Nonetheless, this time was also accompanied by PMS - which means that despite my alrightish eating, I'm bloated and stiff. I am trying at the moment to go below 1000 a day. I need to cut down to 800. Until March 7th, I'm going to do 1000 and then it's down to 800. I am also going to fast this weekend - so Saturday and Sunday. Anyone wanna join? 

So yeah, that's me. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

No Big Deal

I have kinda nothing to say... Yesterday, I had about 900 cals for the day and today so far, I've easily had 700 cals which was a veggie full English, so I'm not gonna eat for the rest of the day, although there will 100% be vodka later, because I'm sleeping over at a friends house. So...

Anyway, I had a meeting with my anti-feminist boss on Friday to 'see how things are going' and it does seem that she thinks its going well. It's not, but fuck her. 

Literally - that's all I have to say. 

OH NO, wait. Fuck, I forgot. On Monday, I'm so excited. I am going to see the Used - do any of you know who they are? For those who don't - they are an emo band, who main claim to fame is that the lead singer dated Kelly Osbourne like a million years ago. Anyway, their first album got me through first year university... or maybe it was second year. So I had this massive crush on my family law tutor and he LOVES the band - it kinda all started because my cousin brought me a hoodie from the US - their merch. So I started listening. ANYWAY, so then I became all obsessed and stuff. So they are having an anniversary tour of their first album and they are playing two shows in London, the first (the one I'm going to) will play their entire first album. I'm SO excited. And I'm going with this Portuguese guy that I met on tinder. I don't think there's any romantic feelings between us, I'm certainly not attracted to him, BUT we get along really well. So yeah, there's that and I'm well excited!! YAY ME! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

My Boss

I want to eat everything. I'm so terrible at not eating tons at night. I have nothing yummy to eat in the house, so it's simple enough, but I could eat the entire contents of my fridge. There is always THAT possibility, but no. I need to follow the rules. THE MUTHA FUCKEN RULES, PIGGY. THE MUTHA FUCKEN RULES. 

I have only stuck to my plan for one day and I'm already struggling. But I will learn. I will, I will. 

Today I had coffee (150), a latte (150), a can of tuna (136) with mustard (14), pot noodles (283) and a low-fat custard pot (108) which is 841 for the day. The plan is to also gradually decrease the amount of milky coffee that I'm drinking. But for this week, I'm letting myself have it. 

Also - my boss. This is a rant. My new boss. She is the reason that there is a glass ceiling for women like me - she does nothing. She has no purpose and as far as meeting company objectives is concerned - she spent two hours this morning sorting out business cards on her desk. When you ask her a question she goes on a completely hysterical, unsolicited rant. She calls it being 'passionate' but the entire office can hear her going on about it. None of the male directors respect her because she is incapable of giving an unemotional response or a straight answer. She thinks that everyone is against her because she is a woman and therefore believes that she is a feminist (she is not!). She is petrified of the CEO and so instead of driving innovation and progress in our department she fights against any kind of change. She is inert and so my department is inert. She disregards all industry best practice unless someone (lately me) shows her that it's the best way - she is fucking irrelevant. 

I cannot work for her, so I'm feeding this back to my recruiter on Monday and gonna ask him to find me some new roles. I literally can't work for a woman who does not support other women. She is giving us a bad name and I will not have her suppress me. 

Bitch, please.

Peace & Love

Xo Xo 

ALSO, This Is Me Y'all...

I never reply to comments, I know that I don't. I never have actually... for reasons that I cannot fathom. It's probably because I usually read them on email and then forget to do it or am too lazy to when I'm actually at my computer. 

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone new and old who comments here still. I especially LOVE the comments from people who have either never commented before or who have been reading for years and comment for the first time. I cannot honestly not even tell you how much it means to me. 

At the moment, I feel very lonely - like everyone in my life has totally disappointed me and I've realised that none of my so-called close friends really care about me and they just want to use me as an emotional pillow. So from the bottom of my dark and lonely heart, I really appreciate it and I will reply to comments if you want. 

Please also email me if you wanna chat or find me on instagram or facebook. I'm not one of those bloggers who cares to hide my identity, this is me y'all. Hear me roar.

Peace & Love Always
Xo Xo

Following The Rules

I know it takes time to learn how to eat less, to get used to not obsessing about the fact that I'm not eating as much. I remember how good it felt to not think about it. I'm still impatient though. Ever impatient. 

I also know that I need to also not have food available in my house as temptation. That's how I ended up breaking fast on Sunday, I was gonna have egg fried rice for dinner on Monday, so I cooked the rice I'd need on Sunday and then when it was cooled down, I was going to put it in the fridge and I just went fucking ham on it. And then it was chocolate and crisps from the store. YEAH, it happens. Last night was similar - a colleague bought me a chocolate slab for helping her with something and it was here - I told myself that I would only have two blocks - obviously I ate the whole damn thing. So yesterday, I actually ended on about 1300/1400. It isn't bad per se. But I'm aiming for 800 at the moment. 

I need to follow the rules - they are rules that I FUCKING KNOW apply to me. I know they do. Anyway, so today I've had probably about 700/800 cals which has included pot noodles (283), custard (108), a latte (111) and then three cups of coffee with probably around 150ml of semi skimmed milk in each (generously 225) and a punnet of tomatoes (45) so we are looking at a total of 772 for the day. 

I'm okay with that. Tomorrow I'm going to eat and drink similarly so it won't be too much more. 

FOLLOW THE RULES, PEOPLE. FOLLOW THE FUCKING RULES. Also, I hate my new job. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Something Is Wrong

And I can't put my finger on what exactly it is...

I didn't manage to fast until today and I broke last night at about 8pm. It's not great, but it is something. Today, I didn't eat much at work except this Indian fudge stuff and milky coffee, but like that was easily 400 cals. Then when I got home I had some baked sweet potato with ketchup and some biltong. So I'm guessing I'm somewhere near 800 for the day. Somewhere. ANYWAY, it's not the end of the world and Rome wasn't built in a day. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Fast-ish

So I know I've been super MIA recently, apologies, apologies. I started my new job and it's been hectic getting into the swing of things with the new company, which is flat out dysfunctional. Yet again, I seem to have picked the crappiest fucking company in the world to work for. But, I am determined to stick it out for at least a year and that's what I'm going to try and do. Try being the optimal word. 

I am also, as you will know - single as fuck. I have not spoken to Colbey since and I'm really not even remotely upset about it. I thought I loved him - it's a bit of a joke. Am I even capable of love anymore? So, long story short, I'm going to stay single AF and work on my career and finishing my book. I feel like being alone at the moment, like not only relationship wise, but also friends wise. I need to hibernate and regenerate and figure my shit out. 

I do however have a total crush on a man at work - like crushing from a distance, because he is (and don't laugh at me dudes, cuz this is kinda inexcusable - I am even laughing at myself as I type this) - he is easily 40 or over, tall, lanky, pale and ginger - he is also married with two kids. Like, obviously I would never even approach this, but those reading this who work in an office will understand a work crush. Well, he is mine. And I'm disgusted with myself *ROFL*

So that's about all that's new in my life at the moment. On my weight and diet side, I tried atkins for a week - I can't eat meat like that. I just cannot. So I decided to fast this weekend after 6 days of atkins. It hasn't been a true fast, because I had two small lattes yesterday and I've had one today. But I think it's a good start. I have decided that I'm going to start skipping lunch at work like I used to and only eating in the evenings. I need to get serious about this if I'm gonna be back to a decent form by summer. 

So I'm not going to eat anything until tomorrow evening when I get back from work which will be about 68 hours of fasting, which I think it good. So far, I'm feeling strong! My scale is arriving tomorrow, so I'll be able to know how bad it is. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo