Hello, Vagina My Old Friend

I seem to have recovered as far as sleep goes and have had two pretty good nights of sleep, so I'm feeling less like chicken little (I.e. That the sky is falling). Yesterday (and today probably also), I completely ignored my entire team. I feel really unsupported and like they don't give a shit about their jobs or our company. So if they don't give a shit about their jobs, then neither do I. My boss always asks me my opinion about them and what they're doing - I always give a sugar coated answer (I'm no snitch), but NO longer. I am not sugar coating anymore and if they get worked out, then I accept that as a teachable moment. 

My weight is 63.9kg today, I didn't have a 600 day yesterday, more like 1200. I'm gonna try be better today. I have a weekend full of BBQs coming up so will need to manage that. Been hovering in this 63's for ages now. 

Yesterday, I saw a vagina on the tube. A woman was wearing a tight black pencil skirt and was solidly sitting with her legs wide open. Hello, vagina. Maybe she likes people looking at it? 

That brings my junk on the tube total to 4 - penis, penis and balls, penis and now a vagina. For anyone who lives in a big city, I'm sure you've also seen a lot of dick, this is my first snatch though. 

TGIF & Love 

Xo Xo 

Summer Exhaustion

This week has been fucking rough and it's only 60% complete. Lorrrrrrd, give me strength. 

I had this crazy board meeting on Tuesday which basically stressed me back into insomnia and then despite my complete lack of sleep, met with the Italian on Tuesday night for an outdoor movie. (Basically, they put a massive screen up in the park and show an old movie - this one was My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which is the monologue of my law degree.) The Italian and I then had a closing cocktail, by which point I was unable to keep my hands off him any longer. 

So that led to me getting an Uber home at 2am and another night of less than 4 hours sleep. And a mild hangover which led to a bit of excessive chocolate consumption yesterday, my weight this morning was 64.1kg. I'm sure though that some of this is food weight. I will see tomorrow. I'm gonna try for a solid 600 days today. 

Other than the stress at work that is driving me a bit nuts, it's just over a month till New York and two weeks till Egypt. Things are fast approaching. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Is It Possible To Be THIS Grumpy?

Today, I'm just in a horrible mood. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm massively stressed out about work - we just aren't hitting milestones that we need to. *stress* 

I also feel like my friends are being a bit shit at the moment, very self-involved and I want them to ask me about my life sometimes. And actually care when I give an answer about something. This whole weekend was talking about other people. I'm meant to do this standup thing on Wednesday, I'm not prepared. I think I'm gonna cancel. 

I went on a date with Ivan, the Italian. And it was strangely perfect. Two problems - he is a Christian (I don't have a problem with Christians or anything, it's just an immense philosophical difference that we have - I.e. I generally only date atheists) and the other is that English isn't his first language (but his English is actually pretty good given that fact) - I am however going to give myself a self-therapy moment and tell myself that no two people are exactly perfect and that it isn't the end of the world if he is slightly different from the picture of a perfect man. 

This is also going to sound maybe a bit shallow, but he is SO hot - his body is honestly perfect. Like Tarzan - long and muscular. It's like... Damn. I'm meant to be seeing him tomorrow and I'm a little excited, I mean he's a super nice, kinda fun, passionate Italian. And he doesn't mind that I'm bossy. 

On Friday morning, my weight was 63.3. And then I had two and a half days of immense eating, so I'm not weighing myself until at least Wednesday. I'm sure I will have gained, but a few good days of restricting should fix that right up. 

I have another three weeks to get down to 62kg. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

The Best Summer Gift

This morning I noticed something I haven't seen in a while - my thigh gap hath returneth from being squished between flabby thighs for almost two years. 

63.3 this morning. 

Is it weird that I'm concerned that I'm losing weight too fast? (... Said no ana girl ever, but this ana girl has been dealing with this shit for way too long and doesn't want to irreparably damage my organs etc - which is a bit of a fucked thing for even me to admit. I'm proud of this - mental progress. Be skinny, but don't die try trying!) 

Anyway, so my thigh gap is back just in for summer, it's so nice to not have them tough when I walk. Okay, that's stupid - I only noticed this morning. It WILL be nice. 

I also just wanna say though that I have very skinny limbs and pretty narrow hips, this is how thigh gap happens for me. It's not really an achievable thing for most girls though I know. I don't see it as a sign of achievement for anyone other than me. THIGH GAPS DON'T NECESSARILY EQUAL SUCCESS! 

So that's 1.3kg from what I've pegged as my goal weight. I'm pretty stoked and proud. The skirt that I've been lamenting about for years actually fits very comfortably now (I'm wearing it now!). 

I went swimming in Hampstead Heath ladies pond yesterday which involved a bikini. I still felt fat, I will always feel fat, but I tell myself that no one is looking or if they are, they don't care. I even - and this is a giggle - went topless for a bit. I didn't notice there were topless women (this is a ladies only swimming pond) and then I just started seeing boobs everywhere. I've never done sports really and I don't go to gym, so I never see half naked women anywhere. It was weird and I was strangely fascinated by it - so many different body shapes, very few of them were perfect, some were large, some were old, some were almost perfect, but most were a little flabby and what I would consider to be healthy and normal. It was a strange experience. It made me really think about the way I look - like if I got naked in front of someone, a man or whoever, he might actually not be totally disgusted with what he sees, my body is definitely similar to 90% of what's out there. It was a proud and empowering moment. 

Random thoughts. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

DANGER, DANGER!

This morning was 63.5kg and now I'm approaching the danger zone. Two years ago, I got down to this weight and then fucked it all up almost immediately and that's how I got gradually up to my original weight again earlier this year. So now, I have to be militant about making sure I don't fuck it up again... 

Anyway, so that's a victory for me - my weight this morning. Especially cuz I did go apeshit and a little BBQ last night - too many pinenuts and too many lambchops. 

Today however, I am going swimming after work and I can't fucking wait. For those of you in London, it is a fucking oven at the moment. There is this pond in Hampstead Heath that is ladies only. It's kinda bizarre, because I wouldn't feel self conscious in a bathing suit around a bunch of old ladies swimming about, but add some men (there is also a mixed pond) and all of a sudden, I feel judged and leered at. Whatever though. Ladies pond tonight! I can't wait. 

I'm a bit annoyed with one of my friends. She's met some guy and now keeps blowing off our plans. She swears she's not one of those women who doesn't understand bros before ho's. Apparently she does not. So many double negatives floating around in that sentence... 

I'm not going to get pissed about any of this however, because I'm thinner than I have been in years and I'm going swimming tonight in a fucking pond! 

Love you all for the comments! 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Coming To You From The Victoria Line

So three things of significance happened in the last 24 hours and the fourth happened last week, but I'll tell you about it now. 

1. I BROKE 64! I am now 63.9kg despite eating what I thought was a lot yesterday. As I've decided to provisionally stop at 62, I'm pleased about that. I think my bmi is somewhere around 20 now and that's MARVELOUS. Two random people called me skinny in the last few days, so that's really great. (Ones exact words were skinny little blondie - not little, but I'll take it.) 

2. I got my period yesterday, which is wonderful for two reasons - one is that I had a very irresponsible hookup with a beautiful ginger man a few weeks back and was convinced I was preggo. Shocking, whatever. The other and more important reason is that I hope I'm carrying a couple extra lbs of water weight. I hope I hope. 

3. I got asked out by another beautiful ginger, this one being a 25 year old, tall, ITALIAN! A tall, ginger, Italian - for those of you know Italians, that is just not the profile of men that come from there. They are usually short and dark. He's also really nice, so I'm excited. And for all the single ladies of blogger, he's offered a Friday night - no one goes on a first date on Friday nights. It's prime weekend real estate! So it either means he's convinced he's getting some (he doesn't seem that arrogant) or he's a genuinely nice guy. I am choosing to believe the latter and if it is the former, we all know that this Piggy doesn't take shit. 

4. And this happened last week - I decided not to see Colbey and blocked him, after telling him off. 

Thanks for the comments as always, specifically A and Sammy - you guys are pretty insightful. I also am aware that I bitch non-stop about men - I'm not that vapid... 

I'm going to a comedy night tonight, the one I'll be performing at next week to check out my competition. Still butt nervous. 

It's a million degrees in London today and I'm sitting on the tube writing this, it's marvvvvvv! 

Instagram: KeranBoyd 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

To Love And Win Is The Best Thing, To Love And Lose Is The Next Best

So in update to yesterday's post. Things with Tyler are definitely done. Just having a few hours to reflect on it - he can't be that awesome a person if losing me means nothing to him, right? And even if it does, he can't articulate it. The bottom line is that if he can't communicate with me now, his communication skills will prove hopelessly inadequate in the long run and this will only cause problems. 

This morning I weighed in at 64.1!! I'm hoping if I'm good today, it'll be a solid 1lb loss by tomorrow, but as we know. These things rarely go that way... 

Peace & Love (from a muggy and wonderful London Town) 

Xo Xo 

Advice, S'il Vous Plait

I literally just don't know what to do about Tyler. We have been fighting all week about his complete inability to prioritise me - so skyping with me, texting me, he is just incapable of doing this. For the last five weeks that I have known him, he literally fucks up every single time. And he is not a bad guy, he genuinely just doesn't get it - he'll fall asleep and wake up as I'm about to go to sleep or like today, he woke up at literally 1.40pm - WHAT 29 YEAR OLD MAN SLEEP UNTIL 2PM ON A FUCKING SUNDAY?! I just don't know what to do. Clearly the fact that he is losing me is not enough motivation to try harder. So, I guess despite my best efforts I think I am done with him. I mean - I can't understand why it is so hard to put aside one hour (out of 48 weekend hours) when the time difference works for both of us. It sucks even more because he's just not a bad guy and so when I get angry with him it's like shouting a dog, it just kinda sits there and takes it with this terribly guilty look on his face. I feel terrible afterwards. 

It's not practical for us to speak during the week, because when he gets home from work, I'm going to bed - and even then, I can't expect him to rush home from work to talk to me. And for some unknown reason, he just cannot understand that all we have is texting - it's all we have because of the time difference. He doesn't text me till like 4pm my time, 11am his time - like doesn't he think about me before then? How is it so difficult for him to send a good morning text when he wakes up. And then sometimes, I don't hear from him till like 7pm my time. He's meant to be moving here, doesn't he want to know me? Or doesn't he think it's important to get to know me before he decides something like that? And the only way to do that is by text during the week and if we can get to skype on the weekends, which he is incapable of pulling through on. 

I feel so defeated. 

However, on the plus side my weight is a steady 64.4 and I'm hoping that by the end of next week, I'll be into the 63's. 1kg per week and I'll be looking good for my holiday in four weeks time. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Hardest Thing

Loss is a part of everyone's life and despite the fact that I've lost a lot, it never gets any easier. Yesterday was honestly the hardest day of my life. Have I mentioned that my mothers prick of a husband left her for another woman? Well, because of that my mom couldn't keep her cat as she was moving in with family friends. So, the original idea was that he'd come stay with me - clearly I was smoking drugs when I thought that it would be a good idea, because he was not having it with my cats, so my dear kitties had to be banished outside so other kitty wouldn't kill them (he's twice the size and viciously kills things - bunnies, shrews, birds, mice - so he had to be locked in the bathroom at night. It was a nightmare. Anyway, I found him a crazy old cat lady to go live with - she looked like a less put together Vivienne Westwood and might have a minor hoarding problem. But she did say I could visit. 

Leaving him with a relative stranger in a new house was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. The hardest thing. 

I ended things with Tyler - a nice idea, wasn't it? I don't want to be married, and certainly not married to him. As nice as he is, it will never work. I'll just have to travel the world with my cats. 

My weight is 64.8kg. Only another 2.8kg to go. And I'm not binging and starving. So that's positive. But the scale is going down, so that's even more positive. 

I'm still very sad and weepy about our kitty, but I'm going to visit him this weekend. I'm sure he's fine. She's had two cats before and when I went there, I just thought - you know, this will be me in thirty years, all she wanted was a cat companion and our kitty would be that for her. Even the crazy ones need love. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

How I Manage To Travel

So yesterday was not a perfect day as far my plan to keep it under 800, in fact I probably had double that amount. The killer was the fact that I had some food left over (!?) from my binge the night before. So it wasn't actually a binge, but whatever. It was more than anticipated. 

Anyway, today will be better. 

I thought I'd talk about my travelling in this post, cuz I do tend to travel a bit more than average (although I wouldn't say a lot, because there are some people I know who leave the country every weekend) - let me also preface this by saying that because I live in London it makes it hella easy to get around the world. A fact that I would miss dearly if I had to leave - which I do plan to do as soon as I get citizenship here. I'm planning to move to Singapore or Dubai (and have sleepovers with Sammy Lupin 😜).

The first thing is my job, I work in conferences and events. I am a content producer for these events. So when you all of the marketing content, agendas, speakers and any other campaign content - I put that together. And essentially because everything in media revolves around content, I project manage all the sales and marketing around the event. So I run about four or five, 300 person events. Now obviously, if you are a company who specialises in digital media, it makes sense you'd do these around the world instead of running six in one country - this is a big competitive space - so because I am the project leader on these things, I have to travel there to run them. I have been very fortunate in the (many) jobs that I've had that I have worked globally. 

My job is certainly not easy and it isn't for the feint hearted, it's risky and a fuck up costs a lot of money. But, over the years I've become quite good at it so I get these cool new projects to work on. 

This year upcoming I'll be in New York twice and San Francisco (to visit Facebook, Google, Apple, Twitter, Reddit, YouTube, etc - jealous yet? 😘). 

So that's how I manage to travel for work and so far it's taken me from Nigeria to San Diego and maybe places in between. Travelling for work isn't an unheard of thing these days and generally you just have to look around for a job that has this as a requirement. I will also say, be careful what you wish for - around this time last year, I was burnt out and tired from having so many trips back to back. 

My upcoming trips are just cuz I love doing them. I love to travel alone. There is a world of backpackers out there who just want to have fun and party - my MO. It is scary in the beginning, but I swear it's worth it. Find a party hostel, get a few drinks and speak to strangers. Interrupt conversations, play beer pong and get sloppy. 

That in a nutshell, my dear friends is how I travel. I will say that I have a particular attitude in life - because I am reckless and irresponsible - what is the worst that can happen? 

I am always very confident that I can look after myself no matter what the circumstance and I know all the bullshit of my life has made me strong - so things like Egypt, I'm not scared. World - do your worst. 

(And Sammy, I'm dying to come to Bahrain - it's gonna happen! I have sworn off men many times, you only fail when you stop trying right? *big cheesy grin*) 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

See, I Can Still Blog Everyday Sometimes, Maybe AND I LOVE ALL OF YOU!

So last basically... I mean the whole of yesterday, I was pmsing like a mutha fucker. In addition to being in an exponentially negative mood, I was also just a little weepy in general. It is the season of masterchef Australia (holla at my fellow addicts) and the sentimental stories just causes hours of inexplicable crying. 

This then led to a binge, I mean - it wasn't huge, but it wasn't good. So today needs to be a strict day I think. I'm gonna aim for 800 cals. And tomorrow also... Maybe I'll just go till the end of the work week. 

Anyway, to my comments - 

Re: Colbey, I knoooooow right!? And he has the gall to want to see me in London. The way that I feel about is if I'm honest is that I want to see him, but I know I'm going to be an emotional fuckwit, probably lament over how much of an ass he is and then because he is emotionally incapable of processing anything I'm saying, I'll get irrationally angry that he doesn't "get it" and it will basically prove what I already know - which is that it's a bad idea to see him and it's going to give me none of the satisfaction that I want and leave me more pissed off with him than if I hadn't seen him in the first place. So, yeah. I can't totally promise that I won't see him, but I already know it will end badly. I've of course never been the kind of person who will steer away from calamity even though I see it coming. *facepalm Piggy, facepalm* 

Re: Stand-up, yes I really do hope that I slay. I mean, in the depths of my rampant imagination, I do wonder if I'll be good and whether I'm funny enough to get a few more gigs and actually do this as a real hobby, but I don't know. I do also promise that if it goes well I'll put the video on here for y'all to see. I need to make sure I'm super good with my diet though. Fat Piggy on stage, the idea makes me laugh. 

I've also decided that I'm officially giving up men. They just aren't adding value to my life. So I'm going to see out this Tyler sitch and if we get married in October like planned, then so be it. I honestly don't see it happening. 

Yesterday, I booked my diving course in Egypt. So now I just need to get my visa and I'm A-for-away. I got some random changes to my flight itinerary, which have essentially added an hour to my flight time for reasons that are not quite clear. I hope that this means that they've implemented a whole buttload of new security checks at Istanbul airport. I really don't look good riddled with bullets or blown up. YOLO? 

Wish me luck for today? I am going to persevere with a good attitude and no binge! 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

How To Do The "Maintenance" Thing

So for the past few weeks - since Paris really, I've been trying to work out this maintenance thing. And my weight has fluctuated up and down as a result of basically not knowing how to do this at all. A few big meals deserves a starve, right? Or conversely, a few days starving deserves a binge?  Well obviously, this is how we are programmed, right? 

I'm hovering somewhere around 65kgs and want to be hovering around 62 - which is where I was the morning of Paris. But, I'm trying not to fixate and to focus on not binging, keeping my calories lowish, but not 600 a day low. I am hoping that this will lead to a gradual and sustainable weightloss. Not centred around guilt and shame. 

I mean, okay there is a lie in there. I'm trying to control my cheat days more, so those aren't massive with a sustained intake of about 1000 a day. Most people might not call that "progress" but obviously it is. 

I don't know if there is a solution to this or if the solution is to keep battling onwards and upwards... Errr downwards. But I am trying and it's going more right than wrong, so I figure it's okay. 

Other news: 

I got a guitar on Sunday and I'm in love. 😍

Things with Tyler are still going, long distance is horrible and tricky, and me being the emotional mess that I am, I have a lot of bad moments when I get angry and upset for no discernible reason. 

Colbey texted me a week ago saying how sorry he was, then immediately added me on Facebook where I was able to see that he replaced me with a girl from work within weeks of us parting company, and to add insult to injury, he did all the things he said he'd do with me, with her. So I am irrationally angry at him and miss him at the same time. It took me no time at all to get over him, but now that he's on my whatsapp, I feel unstable about it. He was deported a couple weeks ago and is bumming around Croatia currently and wants to see me when he's back in London for his last few days. I hate him, I swear I do. Never forgive, never forget. 

I am doing stand up on the 27th of July and absolutely bricking it. Everyone always says I'm funny, that counts for something right. 

I'm flying to Egypt via Istanbul in six weeks, I'm kinda fucking terrified about this. I'm also going alone. But if those terrorist bastards wanna try and kill me, come at me bro! 

Piggy over and out! 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo