Restricting, Sexy Lines & Heart Necklaces...

Fuck, it's like every little detail of my life is going on this blog. Fuckety fuckballs. Ag, okay - so there is a good reason for this. It's so easy to just say - fuck it - i'm not accountable for what I eat, because if I don't post then no one will know. Which is EXACTLY why mafuckers must post this shit. I think the more I post the less likely I am to fail. First things first, I added about 20 cals to yesterdays intake with another cup of tea... So I was about 450 yesterday. YES! This morning I weighed in at 59kg flat. Which is amazing and sad - amazing because that's my (as Sammy would say) - pre binge weight. I.e. before the weekend of eating pizza, bunny chow and lots and lots of pasta. Eeuw. It actually makes me a little teary for having to admit that I do fucken eat shit like that sometimes. ANYWAY. Not important...

Half an hour later...

I'm at my moms house now doing some work. Fuck I hate working. I now had a cup of coffee with 1.5oz fat free milk and a teaspoon of honey. I am not going to eat anything else today, until the salad tonight. Yes we can. I really don't want to go. I just want to go to sleep. WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS FUCKING POST!!

OH yes. *sips coffee* I really need to pep the fuck up. Dammit. I am HALF ASLEEP!!!!

OKAY. Last night I noticed that I am getting those lines. That boys have. Going from the top of their hip into their er... groin area. The arrows. The lines. You know what I mean? Since this is a girl blog I am not going to post a pic of a boy. Sorry Will <3 and also Sammy. No dirty boy pics here. Anyway. I am kinda fucken stoked. I am thinking when I am 55, it should be blatantly clear that I have those lines... hmmmm... yummy. Except, are girls supposed to have those lines? Cuz I'm not gonna lie, it does make me feel like a weeeeee bit of a hermaphrodite. OKAY. ENOUGH!

I had this thought that I am going to print out all the posts in this blog one day and make a little journal for myself. Like one day. When I am still the same, because. And hear me now EVERYONE I WILL NOT BE FAT EVER AGAIN. I WILL NOT RECOVER. Because there is nothing to recover from. I know I say this so much, but recovery has been forced in my fucking face everyday for the last three months. "Have you eaten?" "You eat so little" "You look fine to me" - fuck that. Anyway.

*rant rant*

And then the last thing. So this boy, Lilypad gave me a necklace with a heart pendant on it. It is totally tacky, but very me... Actually I'll post a picture...

Sorry about the shit quality, my blackberry. Anyway so this necklace. I kinda carry it around with me. How fucken PSYCHO is that right?? Like not even wearing it. I'll just go sit in the lounge with it round my fingers like that and sit and chill. It's like I have been cuddling with a necklace. Freaky. Yes, that's me. A fat freaky piggy... uh oh.

I feel a bit light headed... Always like this when you start restricting properly I guess. Sammy and I are going to start cabbage soup tomorrow. YAY! I know there are some that said they were keen! YES WE CAN! By the way - Sammy is Sam Lupin.  My lady love <3 ANYWAY. It's funny how the hunger goes away after the first two days. Your body just resigns itself to the fact that it isn't getting any.

I am SO scared about dinner tonight. I can see myself cracking and having sushi with rice. I also decided to modify my order to a sashimi salad instead of the seared sashimi variety. Less chance of there being oil used in the searing process. SO scared. I ducked out of it, but then my mom pulled a "I REALLY would like you to come with" maneuverer. Fuck sakes.

I appreciate all of my followers and those that take time to comment on my blog. I know I don't say this often, I don't credit people in my blog, I don't ever respond to questions in the comments, but I must say that I do appreciate the support. So many comments on my previous two posts wishing me luck, saying that I can do this. Get through this dinner tonight, be skinny. I really really do appreciate it. And as always, if I'm not following you, I would LOVE to give your blogs a read. PLEASE just post a link below and I'll be there like a bear. I need to rethink that phrase to incorperate my alter ego - Miss Piggy of course ;) - Jiggy like a Piggy? Twiggy like a Piggy? Wiggy like a Piggy? I don't know. I just made myself laugh out loud. Ahhhh the joys of my brain.

Twiggy & Jiggy
Xo Xo

Made of STEEL!

I feel invincible today. Fuck to the yeah! First off, I have managed to stay at 434 cals for the day, despite being absolutely convinced that I was going to go over. And my saving grace? The boy who made dinner tonight - okay it was only stuffed aubergines - put onions in it. I am mentally fucking allergic to onions. So. This is what I ate today. I had two small apples - I found these bags in my supermarket which have tiny apples for school kiddies in them, a plum - okay a huge one, two tiny strawberrys, a cup of coffee with a teaspoon of honey, three... or four cups of tea, 4 rice cake thins with fat free cottage cheese and some rocket. Then about two olives. Sounds like so much doesn't it? But according to my faithful calorie counter is is only 434. Which is amazing. Not gonna lie, feeling quite hungry, but saying that who cares. I love this feeling of being hungry. It makes me feel strong. Like nothing can control me. I am in charge of my body. Fuck yeah bitches.

Tomorrow I am meant to start the cabbage soup diet with Sammy, but it looks like I may need to postpone till thursday because I have a dinner tomorrow that I totally forgot about. I checked out their menu and I think I may be okay if I order the seared tuna and salmon salad. No carbs, no fat. So maybe I shall just do that. And then only fruit during the day tomorrow. I'm scared that I will fail at this. I really really need to make it through tomorrow, so be expecting multiple posts. I find that this is the best way to get through it. Fuck yeah.

Peace & Plums
Xo Xo

Posts for StickAtItNess

So Sammy and I are going to start the cabbage soup diet plan thing tomorrow. :) She is actually on day two already, but we are going to start together. Here is the plan http://www.cabbage-soup-diet.com/eating-plan/. My modifications are going to be as follows - first off that soup looks fucken NASTY as fuck. Sammy is doing a revised version. I will be too. More of a tomato soup I think. Also, I DON'T eat potatoes or butter. These are NOT safe foods. Or beef (Sammy is replacing this with tofu type thingys, which I don't like - so maybe ...) OR rice. Like there is NO way I will eat rice on a diet. Anyway, but yes. Stoked about this :) Hopefully I can get down to my elusive 55 by the end of it. We are going to do it for seven days initially, then see for another seven perhaps.

I may post more today, because I find that posting keeps me in check sometimes. Today I have had coffee with low fat milk (there was no skim) and a teaspoon of honey (WTF is wrong with me!!?), half a cup of tea and a plum. Going to fruit it for the rest of the day then make some butternut soup for dinner later.

Plan? :)

Love & Stick-At-It-Ness
Xo Xo

No more ED for me - dumb WHORE!

It is official. I hate that shrink fucking ED specialist whore fucking bitch. For fucking fuck sakes. Today I went to see her and she looked around the waiting room, stared at me twice and then walked off. She didn't even fucking recognise me. Not that I blame her mind you, because that stupid fucking bitch wouldn't think I have an ED. Understandable I guess, since I am after all a little piggy. I mean no one can mistake me for having a problem. So therefore, I have decided that I do NOT have an eating disorder. Fuck these people. There is nothing wrong with the way I eat or do not eat. So they can kiss my ass. That fucken bitch is getting nothing from me now. I am going to lie about what I eat and I refuse to let her weigh me. Anyway, so the short of the whole situation is that I just left a message with my normal shrink to call me. And I explained the situation and told her I didn't want to see that WHORE again, but she said she really wants me to. So hence my plan.

Anyway, I am a fat disgusting piggy at the moment. So, again I am starting another fasting week. Today, didn't entirely fast, but I definitely had less than 500 cals. I had coffee with a little milk and some honey (I swear I'm addicted), a small bunch of grapes and a tiny bowl of thai curry. So I think I am okay. Tomorrow, I want to hit the fruit, black coffee and coke zero. So if I can keep it below 500 for the rest of the week, I think I should be doing fine.

Fucking fuck sakes. Anyway, so this lilypad is driving me nuts. And I must just add to Sammy - I'm WAITING FOR YOU BABY!!!!!! <3 Anyway, but this boy is just... *sigh* so perfect. But yet again, like it was two years ago - are we aren't we. And then I don't think he will ever commit, because he doesn't want to disappoint people. So - I think I shall keep my options open. Or just not be a clingy mess as I am prone to being... Anyway, I think I just need to get to London.

Fuck sakes. Feel vaguely depro again.

Love & Blondes
Xo Xo

Back to Lilies...

I always seem to get lost in my weekends. Probably because every damn time I go balls to the wall and then don't stop till Monday. Happily I can report... well. No. That's exactly what happened this weekend BUT not as bad as last weekend with some love and hope.

First off - all my good intentions went right out the window. So I shall be starting again tomorrow. I actually couldn't move because of three days of sit ups. So going to do that again from tomorrow. Two days in a row, then hopefully I can progress into a whole week of sit ups. Nonetheless. My resolution not to contact my ex is staying strong. I am definitely NOT going to weigh 55 by tomorrow. But hopefully by the end of next week.

Right, so my news and shit. Friday was another blurry haze of alcohol and drugs. I can't really remember much of what happened, but essentially I got into a toussle with the police. Well, I was trying to leave the club they were trying to raid and I got pushed into walls. My face is all bruised and shit just was insane. I was also really drunk and rushing tits, so I had NO fucking idea what was going on. Hot damn. Then I kinda... booty called this ex of mine, Lilypad (his surname directly translates into lilybush) and went to his place after two years of really loving each other, but just never actually... like getting together - except for a week back before I left for England. So essentially I told him that I was still SO in love with him - and he said the same blah blah wank puke fuck sakes and spent the whole weekend with him since. And it is just so weirdly perfect. 

Two things that are the problem at the moment... okay well three, but the third is unimportant. Firstly, we have been doing this for years. What is different this time? I can only hope that it will be different - but it has been ages and now...? Secondly, I am supposed to be single and working through shit in my head. I know this isn't exactly meaning that we are going to date, but we have skipped forward to being in love already... He also reminds me of my ex. The funny thing with that is that it is a chicken and egg thing. Did I go for my ex because he reminded me of Lilypad, or am I now going for my Lilypad, because he reminds me of my ex. I mean. They are soooo similar, but lily came first. I dunno confusing. The other third thing is my housemate. I am fetching him from the airport later this evening. And lilypad will be here by then (I hope anyway, he is working now) and if we recall he said earlier this week that we are 'seeing' each other. Fuck. I don't know if I should warn him (although there isn't reallly anything to warn him about just yet) or if I should just let him see when he gets home. But I suspect if I do the latter he is going to freak.

Anyway. I am a fat piggy who is doing mean things to boys. But I want this one. And he is so mutha fucken sexy. Like he was always hot before, but his body has changed since we first hooked up, and his hair is like sandy blonde... and everything is just so perfect, if you know what I mean ;) and he is also very affectionate which I like... I always said I was going to marry him, but thought that it was just never going to work. Am I wrong? I am so scared because I know I need to start getting better about being alone...

Love & Sexy
Xo Xo

And then...

I had a two am meltdown of hysterical crying. Basically wondering if I would ever be happy ever again. And whether any person would make me as happy as my ex did. Wow. What a fail evening. The conclusion that I have come to though is that it is okay to be sad. To be hurting and to feel alone. And I think maybe instead of trying to run from those feelings or to numb them with booze or drugs - maybe I should embrace them and accept that it is okay to feel that way. I feel like this is quite a revelation.

So after my post last night I ate another two plums - I think and two cups of tea. So I think my overall calorie intake was around 500. But then I did exercise, so net was less. Today I had a mango (which I found out is a negative calorie food as hard as it is to believe) and half a cuppa and now I'm drinking coffee. So yes, we are doing well today so far. Weigh in this morning was 58.9kg. Hopefully by Saturday I can be in the 57's. Then Monday when I see that stupid bitch with no soul I'll be at least 56. Fuck you I don't need to put on weight, you degenerative give doctors a bad name. Incidentally. Her surname is Hoare. Pronounced Whore. Yes. FUCKING WHORE!

Anyway. Enough of that!

Love & Butterflies
Xo Xo

Boom Mutha Fucken BAM Bitches!

Right, so today actually went well. Full of fucking determination and vigour mutha fuckers. Anyway, just to recap on yesterday, I read something on sparkpeople.com. I love looking at that website, it is great for tracking calories and exercise etc. I figured out that the reason I have been failing so badly recently, is because I have actually stopped tracking calories and measurements and shit. Which, obviously is a recipe for disaster, because I have become complacent. So yes, time to shinnnnnne. <3 Anyway, so I read an article that it takes 21 - 40 days for something to become a habit, so this is what I am going to do.

Oh would also just like to add that today is the first day of lent, so being day 1 of my new resolve is good and there are loads of people sacrificing etc all over the world. Another excuse. :) Feel free to join. Clearly, as my last attempt demonstrates, I am useless at administering a challenge. But fuck it, feel free to diet along. 

I also didn't weigh myself this morning. I am sure it is over 60kg and that is a number I can't look at right now. So I am going to weigh in tomorrow.

1. Calorie intake: I seriously know I cannot stick to the ABC diet. Like I am going to fail at some point. So until Monday it will only be fruit and tea/coffee as I mentioned in my last post. Today I have managed to eat half a mango for breakfast, a handful of grapes, two plums, a hazelnut latte (okay I know this is bad) and two cups of tea with minimal milk. Because I had the hazelnut latte, I am not going to have dinner, which was going to be soup. But I'm not going to anymore. Excellent. So according to my calorie counter, I have had about 420 calories today. I think there may be another cup of tea, just to stop the rumbling. 

2. No cigarettes: I don't expect to make this, but it is expensive firstly and quite gross secondly and also it screws up the cravings because you crave nicotine which comes in the form of wanting to eat everything you lay your hands on. So two days no ciggies, so far... :0

3. 100 sit ups per day: I did them yesterday (two sets of 50), I did them today (one set of 40 and two sets of 30) and my abs are hurting. But this is good right?

4. A 15 minute run: It was raining mutha fucken balls today, so instead I watched a whole bunch of workout videos. I was going to do the pussycat doll workout (maybe do it tomorrow instead - I'm kinda stoked to try it if I'm honest), but then settled on Ballet Boot Camp - which was fuck difficult and then a little bit of yoga. I want to get my flexibility back.

5. No alcohol: Quite honestly, although it would be nice - who the fuck am I kidding.

6. Not contact my ex: I started writing an email to him and then stopped and thought: 21 days. I need to get over 21 days of not contacting you. So I stopped. I miss him. So much. :( I really really just do. Everything this week has reminded me of him and fuck it, just so much missing. *cries*

So yes, for today at least it appears as if I have powered through day 1. I am going to try get to bed at a reasonable time tonight, although thinking about it - I actually did some form of exercise today, so maybe I will actually be able to fall asleep. I feel pretty fucken knackered right now. Anyway, will see. :)

OH and I have also decided that instead of getting scripture tattooed on my thigh like I wanted, I have decided that I would rather have that running down the inside of my arm (vertically) like Katy Perry. Whatever, I don't worship her, it's just a kief place for a tat. And instead, I am going to have a cat with a hawaiin plumeria flower (which I have decided is my favourite) somehow tattooed on my thigh. Yes we can.

I miss him SO much.

Love & Abs
Xo Xo

 

NEW PLAN!

Okay, so today has basically turned into a total disaster food wise. BUT I have a plan. So this is just a quick plan thing.

As of tomorrow - I will see if I can keep this going till Monday. That's er... 5 days. We can do this.

Breakfast: Two plums (or one banana)
Lunch: Bunch of Grapes (or apples maybe)
Dinner: Tomato Soup

A quick run (I'm not into long exercise periods of running or anything, so I'm thinking a short fast one) of 2.5kms/3kms. To be done in under 15 minutes. I'm sure I can do that? Maybe under 20 minutes to start with ;).

THEN in addition I will also do 100 situps.

Tea and coffee are unlimited. HOWEVER - no more than 150ml/5oz of milk per day - fat free. AND NO sugar (not that I ever have it) or honey (which is my new thing in coffee. No wonder I look like a whale). Definitely encourage green tea.

AND AT LEAST 4l of water per day.

THIS is the new plan until I hit 55kg. ABSOLUTELY no eating dinners with the housemates. I had another argument with them today, so I actually don't care if they think or know that I am an ED bitch. FUCK THEM! Absolutely NO binging at my moms house. I just need to get to Monday on this plan.

If I can't be successful and loved by the people I want to love me. I will be thin. Nothing is going to prevent me from reaching 55. Fuck. The. World. And love to Josh and to George. <3

Determination & Love
Xo Xo

If you ever feel the knife running down your spine

I don't know why, but I seem to be stuck on this song... "If you ever feel the knife running down your spine, please know that it's mine." I feel like I get through it and towards the end, there is something I am supposed to remember or feel. I don't know. And everytime I listen to it, I feel like I am RIGHT there about to remember what it is... dunno. So... I thought I would share it. With you lovely people. :) Happiness. The band btw, is a South African production. Hence the name... har har. Incidentally, ZEBRA is pronounced like zepellin i.e. a short sounding ZE, not zeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebra as some do. I kinda do that to, so I guess my point is redundant.

I weigh a million kilograms. I am going to have to start accurately counting again. Even this fruit fast is just not cutting it at the moment. Sigh. I don't really know what to do about it. So I'm thinking of maybe trying the abc. I have never given it a proper shot, so I'm thinking - there is no time like the present. I am contemplating going for a run, but I have work to do, so thinking that I shall do that tomorrow morning and settle tonight for 100 crunches and some squats for my legs. I dunno. Need to get into sit ups though. Fuck fuck.

I am feeling incredibly anxious at the moment, probably something to do with the fact that I haven't had meds in about four days now... actually five. So ja - not loving life. I miss my ex so much, I can't begin to imagine when this will go away. Filling the void with who the fuck ever happens to come along. Which I have now had enough of and am just going to be alone. Maybe I should do something. Compulsively exercise. I am starting to wonder whether I got the job also, since I know they said it would be two weeks from last tuesday, making today a week. So yes, I understand the process and shit, but surely if it were me that they were recommending for the position I would have heard something.

Fat & Piggy
Xo Xo

WHAT A WEEKEND!

I don't even know where to start about this weekend. Fuck. First off, apologies for not posting yesterday, my fucking laptop decided that it no longer wants to work. So I had to high tail it off to my me ma's house to fetch another, and then was like. No, this charger is the same as mine, take it home. It didn't fucking work. So fucking hell after all of that. Bullshitty balls.

Anyway, so I went to a trance party on friday night with this girl who is fucking irritating as balls. On the plus side however she bought me a little something something so it was fine. Anyway, so basically just lost my shit on friday. The sad thing is that I was embarassingly fucked. Like I had so much ganja, too much mdma, too much alcohol. There was however a very beautiful, 19 year old australian boy with a bieber hair cut (okay I am NOT a mutha fucken Belieber. But it's a cute hair cut. Whatever) - and I can't stop thinking about him. His name was George. I didn't get his number or anything, cuz I was like bitch, check me out - I am awesome. Which also now makes me sad, cuz he is so stupidly cute and awesome. Anyway, far too fucked. The 22 year old beautiful blonde boy was there as well. He isn't going to be an easy nut to crack. So I think... I think I am going to have to accept this one as my challenge and move from there.

On Saturday, much of the same really. This fucken bitch whore that I went out with on friday came along again and tried to jack the man I was making out with - SO. I stole him back and made him tell me that I am hotter than her. I know this sounds so conceited. But she is 10 inches (yes 10!!) shorter than myself and weighs the same. She is a short fat little troll. In WHAT MUTHA FUCKEN WORLD DOES SHE THINK SHE CAN BAT IN THE SAME FUCKEN LEAGUE AS ME!!!!? Yes, I am aware that this makes me the worlds most arrogant fucktwad. But it's true. Bitch mutha fucken please.

Then yesterday was a little interesting, because I went to a braai at the gorgeous blondes house and he is SO weird. But I am almost sure I saw him checking me out. So perhaps there is hope. May see him a little later - going to a group dinner type thing. I don't think I'm gonna go. Anyway.

The housemate has somehow got into his mind that we are "seeing" each other. I am going to have to move out at this rate. I mean really. SEEING each other.

I am so fat. Still fruit fasting, but with all the boozing there was cheating. Fuck my life. I just want to die today. And this morning for the first time I kind of perked up to the idea that perhaps I can still die if I want to, I just need to stop being a pussy about it and just fucken drink poison or something. Instead of the unpredictable world of pills. Also realised that like with last time this happened, I am on a bender again. And I don't want to be.

I can't get meds until next week. I see this week being tough. I just need to stay indoors and watch game of thrones. Going to download some naked thinspo for the lovely flowers that read this dribble. I see on my stats page that it is my highest viewed post. More than double the next closest one.

Love & Boys
Xo Xo

Please don't judge my fat... (PICS)

So after ages and ages of promising and promising these pics, here they finally are. I'm afraid I actually didn't take much care when taking them. I just kinda spur of the moment vibed it.

Yesterday I didn't even have my mango for dinner, managed to skip it. Proud. And today so far I have had a nectarine. :) Proud.

So I have people in for the challenge? I'm more than happy to make a competition out of it :) To those that said they were keen, can you leave you starting weights somewhere here. Then we can document. YAYAY! Fruit fasts forever. I fucken love them.

Okay so here are the pics... Please don't judge my fat. I am working on it. Especially my stomach. Fuck it's gross. AHHHHHH! Working on it. I'm 59.3 today btw.

Love & Anxiety
Xo Xo

Fruit Fast Day 1

So, after all the trauma that accompanied seeing that miserable whore of an ED specialist. FUCK HER! I have decided that I want to weigh 55kg by the next time she sees me. Which is in a week and a half. I think 3kgs is easy enough to lose in about ten days. So the plan essentially is to fruit fast until then. I am of course allowed coffee and wine. NOTHING else though. And coffee with soy milk, not yukky cows milk. Anyone want to join? She says I look "fine", so that is what I will make myself. Fine. I think I will look fine at 55. At 50. So fuck her. Miserable fucking bitch.

Thank you for all your lovely comments on my last blog. It was trully horrible. I have not, and I repeat HAVE NOT decided to recover. I don't want to recover. I am not putting on weight. I am not eating normally. I am not recovering. I have nothing to recover from. The way that I am is not wrong. FUCKING BITCH! I am only seeing her to make my psychologist happy. And since the specialist thinks I am fine. Then, confirmed, there is no fucking problem. Whore bitch.

I am having an interesting time with my psychologist at the moment, because our sessions are becoming more conversational. Which is absolutely lovely :) I really really adore her. She helps me see things that are problematic in my life. At the moment she is helping me out with my complicated boy situation. I have resigned myself to the fact that I may need to move... since. Well. Sexing your housemate is not a good idea especially if he thens fall in love. Fuck sakes. He only lost his virginity at 24. Not that I am judging, but this says a lot about the clingy individual I am dealing with. Saying this however, I know the whole fucken thing is 100% my fault. *fucking sigh* There is another boy who is 22 and HAWT! He is really into electro music and invited me to a braai at his house on Sunday... so I am going to have to look all sexy. Hopefully will still be going strong on the fruit fast, so will be in 57's. How could he say no? :p

Anyone wanna do a ten day fruit fast with me? Today I have had one cup of coffee with a dash of fat free milk and a teaspoon of honey. A small bunch of grapes and a nectarine. I think I will have mango for dinner. And at least another 1.5l of water. Yes we can! Let me know. We can make a challenge? Maybe... I dunno. FUCK ED SPECIALIST MUTHA FUCKERS! AMANDLA!

Love & Kate Moss
Xo Xo

Eating Disorder MaFucken Clinic - ARE YOU KIDDING!?

My traumatic event of the day was my session with the psychiatrist/ED specialist. And holy balls what an experience. Well let's start off by saying that when I agreed to do this, or rather to see this woman I thought it was just about getting my medication right. I.e. to get my anti anxiety whatever meds right. I mean fuck sakes. I didn't expect it to be a lengthy fucken session about how much I eat or don't. So we started off by talking about why I was there, anxiety - the usual shit. Then she asked me if I knew the other reason I had been referred. I.e. the eating disorder. Anyway, so she actually made me sit there and tell her what I ate today. What I ate yesterday. What is a lot of food. I was so embarrassed - so absolutely ashamed that I had to tell her. I felt like the fattest person in the world. I felt like she was siitting there going 'you're not thin. Definitely no eating disorder there. Go have a fucking cheese burger fat girl. So, I burst into tears. I never expected to be that attached to it. Like I felt like I could still lie my way through it. I don't care about what I eat kinda attitude. I don't need to eat.

And then, you won't believe this, she asked me to go with her to the eating disorder clinic, where she took my height and weight. I went ballistic. I was hysterical. I couldn't get on the scale. I felt like a fake. Like I couldn't get on the scale. I was too embarrassed of the enormous number that I knew what going to show on the damn scale. Eventually I stepped on. Sobbing like a little girl. I couldn't look, so I put my hand over my eyes and sobbed. She said I didn't have to look or know what the number was.

And then we went back to the room. Which by the way, was like a police interrogation room, with those mirrors with people on the other side. I really hope there was no one on the other sidewatching me. Judging. Fat piggy. Anyway, so she told me she wants me to see a dietician. She said she isn't going to make me put on weight because she thinks I look fine. What ever. all that means to me is that now I need to lose weight. She said that I can keep eating very little as long as I do three meals a day. She said it can be three salads if I want, but she isn't going to make me put on weight. So that made me happy.

SO HELP ME GOD, I am now going to get down to 55. By the end of next week. She said that anything below a bmi of 20 is underweight. But it is better than being my highest weight which is unhealthy. So she agreed that skinny is better. So now I am restricting. 500 cals a day no more.

Who woulda thought an ED clinic would've made me worse.

Food & Bullshit
Xo Xo

Fat Fat Tummy

Fuck it. I am going to start doing 100 sit ups a day. My stomach is fucking disgusting. My legs and arms are kinda how I want them to be... okay a little skinnier would definitely do the trick, but my stomach. Man oh Man. Anyway, so today was a reasonable day. I weighed in at... 59.2 this morning. Which is acceptable. My goal for this week is to be comfortably in the 58's.

I went climbing with my housemate again and his friend after finding out that we live together said that we must be careful and not (I quote) "Shit where we eat" - I.e. don't fuck the housemate. Obviously, this was quite funny, since it has already happened. Fuck. I really have nothing to report.

I need a new diet... I don't really know what to do. Possibly a fast for two days - then a liquid fast for two days - then maybe a fruit fast for two days and another straight fast for one more. That makes a week of "fasting."

mmm. Yes. Thanks for all the lovely comments. So much love to everyone - I mean. It is a strange thing that people that read my blog actually know far more about me. And I can be honest about my life and my feelings. Tomorrow is my appointment with the ED specialist. It will be interesting to see what she says. I am NOT FUCKING GAINING WEIGHT! FUCK YOU! Also need to have my medication reviewed... which reminds me to take my meds - I forgot yesterday.

Love & Crags
Xo Xo

Title. Hmmm..

Where to start. Well, for one thing. I weighed in at 59.5kg about five minutes ago and that was after a huge dinner of pasta... well I say huge, but you know what I mean. I ate a bit of mac and cheese with tomato sauce (which is amazing by the way - not gross. I know what you're thinking, but it's really yummy), a small slice of apple pie and about three bites of a fallafel. I also did a short but steep hike today. So worked off a little bit.

I got really drunk last night with friends and ended up sexing the housemate again. ARrrrgh there is actually something wrong with me, because I AM NOT attracted to him at all. Apparently this is a borderline thing... need for love and attention. Okay, whatever. There are also two boys kinda on the scene. The one I met last weekend, except he is old. Like 32 and a paramedic. Which, not to be a snob, is not exactly what I had in mind for a boyfriend. He is really funny and random though. Fucken silly actually. Which is just like me, but weird. I am trying to say no because he is older than I'd like. The other is this geeky physiotherapist. I am not attracted to him, but he comes from a good family... so maybe you know. Fuck i don't actually know what to do. I think I am just going to axe them all and not like... well. Rather I am going to find someone new. I had a 'to this point and no further' convo with the housemate. I don't want to date him. He isn't attractive to me. He is a stinky boy. He isn't good in bed. All in all, I am just not interested. Not even in sex. Gross. So, it looks like it's just me and George. :)

Today I went to this morning saturday market thing with three of my boy housemates. It was quite nice and actually got along really well with the one I find obnoxious. After that I painted a little bit, which was really nice, because usually I plan my paintings to the letter, but this time - I just put paint on canvas and off I went. Then I went on this mini hike up to a crag - rock wall for climbing - with the housemate I am boning. And it was awesome. So tomorrow we are meant to be going to an easier one so he can teach me how to climb. Fucking can't wait. EXCITED. It is really really nice to be doing new things. There was this SUPER hot boy there who is turning 22 this year, fucking too young for me and a little too short, but oh so beautiful. Wowowowow.

I had an interview yesterday for the most epic job. I really hope that I get the job. It is really good money and it is in student governance at my university, which is right up my alley. Fucken stoked.

Anyway, thank you for your lovely comments. I am slowly catching up on all your blogs. LOVE it. Below is some Posh thinspo. Her new spread in I-D mag, which I have no idea what that is, but I saw it and I aspire to look like her. She really is my ultimate thinspo. Go Vic Beckham. Fuck yeah. Gonna post some pics of myself soon, like so yall can seeeeee me. :) Which I promised to do ages ago. Anyway.

Love & Sleep
Xo Xo

I can see my butt bones...

Right, so Fat Piggy did something stupid. I slept with one of my housemates. He is a climber, super sexy body, nice face - but he has long hair, which really doesn't do it for me. But today he is being all lovely and sweet and hand holdy. Which is strange for me, because I live with him... Like - I am living with another partner type person. Aiya. And what's worse is that as he was exiting my bedroom this morning, the other housemate saw him leaving... and he brought it up over dinner. Fucking. Awkward.

That aside, whilst we were lying in bed last night, he said to me over and over 'you really are quite thin.' Nothing like that to make a girl feel good. More over which he pointed out that I can feel my hips through my butt. Yes, thats right - the bottom of my hips show through my ass. I know this isn't something to be proud of, but ya know - FUCK YEAH! *happy penguin dance*

Anyway, I am seeing this ED specialist on Monday... Can't wait. Not.

The boy is coming. Post more later. Thanks for the lovely comments. <3

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

Back again, FINALLY

Thank god, I finally got internet back. Fuck what a miserable month without it.

So updates, my lovely flowers.Well firstly - it is official. I am mentally disordered. I have three health care professionals now that are seeing to my mental health issues weekly. A psychiatrist, a clinical psychologist and an eating disorder specialist. Fucking ED specialist - can you cope? I agreed to see her on condition that she doesn't try make me put on weight. I have told her that once I get to 55kg - I will stop losing weight and eat enough to maintain that weight - BUT I will not put on weight. I reached a new lowest weight ever last week of 58.1kg. And this morning I was 59.1. Which is fine, because I have actually been eating so much. Like easily 1000cals a day. Which is fucking disgusting. But with the help and motivation of my BBM lovelies, I have decided to fast this whole weeekend coming up. I am far too broke to go out this weekend, so I am going to stay home - do yoga and not eat... oh and watch series and sleep. Which is amazing.

Let's see what else... Well I have an interview for a really good job on Friday morning that will pay me a shiton more than my current employment. Which is amazing. Makes me very happy. I also found out today that I got a scholarship to study this year - except I've decided not to, because I need to focus on myself. The context to this decision is that I punched a wall last week and broke my hand. Then I got drunk and cut myself to piece with a blunt knife, so you can only imagine what my stomach looks like. I found out that in the break that my ex and I had he got some girl pregnant with twins. I believe she had the abortion a few days ago. It hurts me to write about it, but it is the context as I have been trying really really hard to not think about it. When I was drunk on Friday, I kicked him in the head with my heel. Tried to jump out of a moving car. And ya, pretty sure they called the cops on me. Ya - as I said. I am crazy.

Nonetheless, then on Saturday I went sailing on a yacht, which was lovely. And I pranced my 18.8 BMI around that boat in a bikini. I felt so self consc ious, but I need to start thinking that I am beautiful according to my therapist. And I knew that they could see my ribs a little and that my thigh gap was evident and proud. So fuck it. I did it. And this gorgeous boy that was on the boat was flirting with me. I felt so good. After a while... Afterwards I went to this party where I met this other guy, who is older (32) and not overly hot, but has a nice body. And we kinda hanky panky'd a little. But it was cute, no sex or anything, because I am no whore. *sigh* I wish it were socially acceptable to be a dirty slut, but alas it is not so. Anyway, I got a message from him on Monday morning saying that he would "dig to see me again". Which is very sweet. There is also another boy in tow. But he just worships me. There is no attraction there. And the thing is I know, all of this is just rebounding from the ex. I need to work on myself.

So that is pretty much the short of it. Thank you for your continued support. I am now going to catch up on all your blogs. If I don't follow yours, please leave a link. :) :)

59 & Strong
Xo Xo