Finally, One Good Day

So I haven't weighed myself in a really long time (like a week) because I've been bad. I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow to see just how bad it has gotten. Basically, I'm going to commit to not binging and eating clean until NYE - there will be pictures - and Christmas. I'm going to try to not go overboard on Christmas though. 

Anyway, I am being paid tomorrow allegedly - I can't fucking wait to feel human again... To get my hair done... a manicure. God, I can't wait. SO anyway, today I've had about 550 calories. I'm hoping that when I weigh in tomorrow it will be below 70kg. COME ON REF! 

Thanks for the supportive, lovely, beautiful comments over the last few weeks. Y'all are still probably the only people in my lonely life that I don't fucking hate. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Is Just Doesn't Get Any Better

I still have not been paid for my contract. So I have effectively been waiting for payment and broke on my ass for three weeks now. Monday apparently is when it will happen, although who actually knows, because this company seems determined to play silly buggers with me. Now, the thing about it is that I have been sitting at home and doing nothing, because I'm too broke to go out. All I want is a landslide of soy lattes and a manicure. It's all I want. Here's to hoping that Monday will be the day. Fuck. Sticks. 

In other news, it also means that I am pathetic about Colbey - although, he seems to do the very thing that Roy did, which was not pay me enough attention. When we are together it's great and when we aren't I don't hear from him. I saw him on Wednesday, texted him on Thursday to say I got the job - to which he responded and I literally did not hear from him until this afternoon at midday. Two solid days of no communication. And here I go demonising him again. 

It makes me paranoid and angry. I don't want to be paranoid and angry. When he is back from Australia I will need to have a chat to him about it again, before I start  fucking going mental like I did with Roy, starving and cutting, eventually trying to kill myself. To get attention. No, no. NEVER AGAIN. I promised myself never again, and if he can't pull his socks up and give me more attention then we must end this now. I don't think I'm super needy, but he can't not communicate with me for two fucking days. He is supposed to be my goddamn boyfriend. 

My life is pathetic, I will eventually do something other than speak to Colbey. I just want a fucking manicure. PAY ME COMPANY, PAY ME!! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

CONFESSION! I Am A Demoniser

I am a demoniser. I demonise people. This goes hand in hand with the fact that I am hopelessly cynical and I think everyone is out to fuck me over and that no one really and truly cares. Colbey is leaving for Australia on Saturday morning for three weeks. We aren't serious enough that I will see him on Friday night because he wants to pack and I won't get in the way. But he got a new tattoo in Hammersmith yesterday... and was meant to come round to mine yesterday afterwards. 

In my mind, he's been sketchy with me since Sunday. In my mind, I'm a horrible bitchy person that no one would ever love. In my mind, him not constantly texting me means that he doesn't like me that much. So when it got to 8pm yesterday and I hadn't heard from him. I started losing my shit. I talked myself down though. I told myself that he was ghosting. I told myself that he was just your run of the mill asshole, I told myself that he didn't care. I sent him a message (lying) about turning down plans to see him. It was all I said. He called me back 7 minutes later. Thank FUCK I talked myself out of saying anything else. 

He apologised and said I shouldn't have turned down my fictional plans. I said that I wanted to see him, but if it was too much effort and it was late that he didn't have to come. He said that he was going to see me before he left and that he had planned on coming over then, but that he had only just finished at the tattoo place (he started at 5pm and it was a big tattoo). He said that he would obviously make a plan to see me if not then. I felt like an asshole. I do this so much. SO MUCH, where I jump to the worst possible conclusion and every single time I am proven wrong by Colbey. He is a good guy. He likes me. I need to chill the fuck out. 

After almost a week of bad eating, my weight this morning wasn't terrible. I am going to weigh in tomorrow as my true weight. I am determined to be 67 by the end of the month and I have two weeks to get there. 

I won't see Colbey till the 10th of January and I want to make sure I look good when he gets back. 

Monika and I are no longer friends. She is a fucking psychopath for reasons that I won't get into because frankly it's a relief that she is not in my life anymore and wasting effort on typing it out is just not floating my boat right now. 

ALSO, I don't think I mentioned that I interviewed for a very high profile job... yesterday was my final interview and... I got it. I am officially managing billionaires from the beginning of January. Well subject to the contract. I will tell you all a bit more it when it's more final. 

Are you a demoniser?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Trust No One

I had a fight with Monika today. Again. And hear me when I say, that this is the end of the road for her and I. She's horrible, bitter and mean. The worst thing is that she is a close friend who I have watched become gradually more pessimistic and mean towards her life. Today, I cracked. You know the people who - when you ask them to do something with you, there is always a condition attached? Like - yes, I'll go, but XYZ. So she's been doing that recently. And I tried to tell her why I would prefer her to just say no rather than give me a condition. That it makes me feel small and unimportant when she does that. I think she thinks it was funny. So yeah, screw her. 

I am also feeling exceptionally insecure about Colbey - you know when you're like - there is no way a man like that could like a girl like me. He's definitely going to get rid of me soon. 

The thing is. Everyone is self-serving. You can't trust anyone. Everyone will desert you in the end. The thing that I hate the most about my family is that they contribute nothing to my life. I have no home, nothing to go home to - they haven't given me any support in years. I guess, I haven't given them any support either. I don't have a family home that I can go back to at Christmas, no bedroom filled with memories of my teenage years. No parents or family that I have memories with. My family have all moved on and it's sad. I am a cloud floating around in the world. I think it's over with my family and I. I have no one to pick me up when I fall. I am literally an island. Alone in this world with no one to hold me up. 

All of my friends use me as entertainment. I am loud Keran. The loud one who gets too drunk and who makes all the jokes. Colbey will leave me too eventually. I don't know what's wrong with me that I can't form long term bonds with people. Maybe it is my insecurities that are the problem. It's bad vibes that I'm putting out into the universe and my expectations are being met with reality. The reality that nothing lasts and I have nothing. 

Maybe, I am doomed to be alone. 

Loneliness & Peace

Xo Xo

Bad Weekend

This weekend was bad as far as eating goes... I binged on Friday and then drank red wine with Colbey at his flat on Friday night till the wee hours. So as far as that is concerned - he lives in a very grown up (enormous) flat in the countryside, he has a million manproducts and he has beautiful clean linen. He is an actual adult. Which makes me feel completely inadequate. My resolution for 2016 is to get my shit together, move into a grown up flat and actually act like a fucking grown up. Suck it up and stop being so pathetic. 

Then on Saturday, I was hungover and binged. Sunday, I just binged for shits and giggles and now today I'm back on it. 

I still haven't been paid. It's been a month since they had the invoice. I'm fucking poor, I just want to get paid so I can get my shit together and do some happy things with Colbey before he leaves for Australia on Saturday morning. Sad. Makes me sad. 

Anyway, I just need to suck it up and do what I've been doing for the last month, poor and penniless. Take it one day at a time and try not to have a fucking meltdown. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

December Mini-Goal

So here's the jam. 

By the end of December I want to have hit my GW2: 67.0kg flat. 

As of this morning I weigh 69.7kg, which serves me right for Sunday and Monday eating shit. I'm hoping that I'll be back into the 68's tomorrow. 

I'm being reminded of some things at the moment... Some things about my life in Cape Town. I don't really know why... 

Tonight, Monika managed to swing us some VIP tickets for Mumford & Sons at the O2. She came round for dinner last night and despite my protests, I had a couple glasses of white wine and ate a bit too much of the wholewheat pesto pasta that I made for us. Good work, little pig. *No wonder you're at the weight you are today*

I need to be smaller tomorrow because I'm seeing Colbey. You know. I know I was drunk when I said it to him on Sunday, but I do actually think I'm at least a little bit in love with him. I just want him all the time. I need to chill my slacks. 

From next weekend, Colbey is going to Australia to see his family. Seeing his brother in law who he probably won't see before he dies (did I mention, his brother has brain tumours and will be dead in a few months-  I don't even know how to begin to deal with this!). And he is back on the 10th of January. So ja, it's gonna be a test to see if like.. yeah. I know he's seeing his ex in Australia - he told me that. I don't mind if he does. I trust him. 

And IF it's all going alright when he gets back then I'm going to tell David about it in person. I don't want him to find out from elsewhere. I know he'll be upset, but I think it's the right thing to do. 

God guys, I'm really sorry. I'll stop talking about Colbey at some point. 

I'm thinking of doing a VLOG - what dyou guys think? Would you be interested in seeing this face? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Questions

What is your name?

Keran 

What are you called?

Kez/Kezza

What do you want people to call you?

Nothing - It really freaks me out when I hear people say my name. 

What are you doing right now?

Procrastinating about work - the story of my life. 

What would you like to be doing right now?

Eating. I want to eat all the time. 

What are you wearing right now?

A pair of black slouchy pants and a pink and grey jersey. 

What have you done today?

I caught up on emails, washed dishes and had breakfast (oatmeal and tea).

What has been the best part of your day?

Discovering a video on my phone of Colbey and myself at Winter Wonderland on Sunday night singing out hearts out to Oasis, Wonderwall. 

What has been the worst part of your day?

Seeing my double chin in that video. 

Describe your perfect day.

Waking up next to a warm body, breakfast in bed (in a world when calories don't count), feeling skinny and going shopping - topping the day with a crazy night out, because: Hi, my name is Keran and I like to party. 

Look to your right,  what's there?

Gremlin - my cat. He always, always lies close to me. He's a bit codependent. 

Left or right handed?

Left. 

What does the perfect man mean to you?

Ride or die, partner in crime and someone who always has my back.

What does the word "perfect" mean to you?

It doesn't mean anything to me, because things that are perfect don't exist and things that purport to be perfect can go fuck themselves. 

What's your favorite season?

Summer. I love the feeling of sunshine on my skin and warm nights... being outdoors.

Favorite holiday?

Halloween.

Describe the perfect outfit

An oversized tshirt, leggings, cowboy ankle boots and a leather jacket.

Choose something from fashion to get rid of and save the public from.

Anything denim that is not jeans. 

Talking about fashion, what's your favorite store?

Probably H&M? I really don't like anything branded or with logos on it. I like clothing that is plain, no prints and H&M fits the bill most of the time. Zara is a close second. 

Favorite item of clothing you own?

I could never pick a favourite child. :p

Favorite outfit you've ever had?

I change my mind loads. Most of the outfits that I love are because I had a good time wearing it. 

Favorite clothing item on a man?

A pair of well fitting jeans. Sexy. Man. Ass. 

Describe something on a man you like to have

What does this question even mean... I wish I could have their height. I mean - I'm tall, but I'd love to be taller. 

What would be the perfect gift for you?

A plane ticket.

Worst gift you ever got?

My grandmother is a big fan of practical gifts. Every year the family would get together - all 17 grandkids, six families... My sister and I were the oldest and while all the kids were getting new phones and bicycles and stuff - her and I got a vanity box full of personal care products i.e. shampoo, conditioner, body cream. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER GRAN!

Coke or Fanta?

Coke, forever and always.

Chocolate or sour candy?

Chocolate, forever and always.

Salad or McDonald's?

McDonald's. Don't even care.

Evening out or at home?

Evening out. I love to party. I love drinking and being drunk. 

Sex without love or love without sex?

Neither, I don't believe I have to compromise for relationships and would rather be alone than do so.

Money or love?

Love - I am a hopeless romantic.

Train or bus?

Train. I FUCKING HATE MOTHER FUCKING BUSES.

This blog,  Instagram, or Twitter?

Instagram, I'm obsessed. Then this blog, then twitter. Actually, fuck twitter. 

TV or computer?

Computer. I can watch TV on my laptop.

The Notebook or Fast and Furious?

Fast and Furious. I don't watch rom coms or romantic dramas or whatever, because I think they are unrealistic and misleading. 

Craziest drunk story?

Jesus. Read this blog. My life is a crazy drunk story, although it was probably... shit. Probably one of my festival stories, or one of my New Years stories, or one of my travel stories. 

Most embarrassing drunk story?

Again, how much time do you have? I'm a terribly embarassing drunk although my recent run in with Roy at a festival probably ranks up there. 

Who is your best friend?

Gremlin. My cat. And I have three close girlfriends who I love to death.

Something that scares you?

I am totally claustrophobic, to the extent that I get panicky if I see footage of people in caves or tight spaces.

A beautiful sentence that caught your eye?

Always forgive, but never forget. Learn from mistakes, but never regret. 

Tell a joke

Knock, knock. 

Who's there?

To. 

To who?

No, no. It's to whom. 

Your best high school memory?

I fucking hated highshool. Every single moment of it. Fuck highschool. 

The funniest thing to happen in high school?

My best friend, Kyle (who is still one of my closest friends) once threw a dirtbin over my head and then pulled up my skirt. I was SO angry, but I couldn't stop laughing. Good thing, I worn respectable knickers that day. 

Something you wish you would have done differently in high school?

I would've not tried so hard to fit in. Because it was pointless as I never did.

Something you want to do that you've never done?

Skydive and base jump. I'm petrified of heights, but I like feeling like I'm completely out of control. 

Three things on your to do list?

Send out my laundry. 

Buy batteries

Catch up on reading.

Favorite scene from a movie or TV show?

From Mulan! "Did I hear someone ask for a miracle?? Let me hear you say aaahhhhhhh" *squeal* I love that movie. 

Three things about you that no one knows?

I'm South African, but I have an American accent. 

I have a poem published in an anthology of poems (when I was 15, entitled Love... the irony)

I only lost my virginity when I was 21. (Yep, that's right. 21.) 

You Wouldn't Fucken Believe It

So, you wouldn't fucking believe it. I don't even believe it. As I write this... I'm like. Ja fuck.

Anyway, so on Sunday - yesterday - I went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park with Monika and Colbey. Yes, Colbey did in fact show up. The three of us hung out for a bit and then Monika left at about six. Then Colbey and I got ratchett drunk - and needless to say, we had the best time, because we always do. We danced and drank heavily. And ran around and sang with some Italian people in the middle of Hyde Park. We acted like total idiots and played around. Literally I had the best time. 

Then we came back here and kept drinking. And THEN. Fuck. And then. It's really painful to even talk about this. There were "I'm in love with you"s being thrown around. And that we are together. It was just so intense. I'm freaked out. In the world that I live in - I don't get what I want - I don't get the men that I think are right for me. FUCK. Anyway, so guess I have a boyfriend now? Three months after David. 

I have to tell David. No, no. I'm not going to tell David until after Christmas. When Colbey comes back from Australia. I don't know what is going to happen with him. I like him as much as I did like Roy. 

This is dangerous. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

DaFUQ?

I got my period... again!? What the fuck. I got it like a week and a half ago - it finished and now it's back? I missed a pill - maybe that's why? But dafuq!? And I feel all bloaty about it too. And I gained 100g between yesterday and today. 

Yesterday I had probably about 900 calories, but I did go to the Museum and British Library - according to my pedometer I did 12000 steps. So that's positive and I didn't cheat or binge. Which I'm thankful for. 

Today, I'm going to Winter Wonderland later today with Monika - because I bailed on our movie last night. I'm going to invite Colbey, who said he'd come, but my bet is that he is going to be too hungover so will flake. I'm anticipating being let down by him. Because like I said - he treats me like crap and I'm pathetic, etc etc.

I'm going to try not to binge today. I am definitely not going binge. NOT GOING TO BINGE! NOT. GOING. TO. BINGE. Also not going to drink. I think I'm going to have a cheat meal today though, because I haven't cheated since last week Sunday. I want to see if I can find just a meat based meal or something that is as close to clean as I can find. 

I'm taking the lead set by Lolita and I'm going to set December mini-goals. First of which is that I won't gain. But I'm going to do a weigh in and measurement tomorrow morning to see where I am and then have a mini-goal set. *STAY TUNED* 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Time To Get Moving

So my sleeping patterns have been way off for the past few weeks. I have been either sleeping all day and up all night, or as I am at the moment. I sleep from about 7pm to 3am and then am awake. I aim to stay awake till at least 10pm, but it hasn't happened yet. Again this happened this morning. 

First thing - down to brass tax - I weighed in at 68.8kg this morning! YAYYYYYYYY!!! I'm so fucking stoked. Danger zone however: Today is Saturday. I'm meant to meet a friend for coffee today (my lattes are like 150 cals) and I'm meant to be going out tonight. I don't want to drink though. Or smoke. I haven't smoked in three weeks today and I want to keep it going. And the booze - well. We know why boozers can't be skinny right? 

So today is the challenge, because I really don't want to gain tomorrow. SO, my plan is to keep myself busy today. I'm going to go to the Natural History Museum for the time it opens i.e. 10am (it's now 8am). There is a virtual reality, David Attenborough thing on (AND I'm well obsessed with him). So I'm going to do that. There is also an almost complete stegosaurus at the museum (named Sarah), which I have wanted to see in forever. Yes, I have lived in London for 3 and a half years and have not been to the museum with the dinosaurs in it. I.D.I.O.T. 

So the walking will be good. The not being home and bored will be good. The not being tempted by all the foods will be good. AND hopefully. I will ensure therefore that I do not gain any weight tomorrow and by the end of next week I will be at 67kg. I'm not counting on it though, because I've been very lucky this week with my losses and it has to end at some point right?

Here we go. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo 

Well, Fuck Me.

So good news: I'm now down to 69.1kg (152.3lbs) - so I am not going to have a cheat day until I'm at 67kg. Because, I don't want to binge... *wait* WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT!? I don't plan to binge. I'm yeah. No. I'm getting to 67kg as soon as possible. I don't think I'll have a loss three days in a row. So I probably will gain tomorrow. Today, I've had about 450 cals so far and I plan to have some homemade sweet potato fries for dinner and then that's it. 

So bad news: I'm hopelessly obsessed with Colbey again. He came round last night and it just kinda picked up... and his friend that was staying with him has gone back to the ski resorts so now selfishly I kinda feel like I've got him to myself. Even though I don't. He admitted to being on Tinder. I also saw him get a message on Tinder while he was here. But I mean. We were done. And now I don't know what we are... I'm making a point to be more emotionally available. Actually tell him what I want. But as I said. We saw each other yesterday for the first time since... well three weeks. So yeah, who knows. God, I'm so sorry guys. I know it's awful that I bleat on about him. I promise I will try not to... 

Here's to being in the 68's tomorrow!! :D :D 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

To Say, To Say

I have nothing to say.

Instead, I am going to bleat on about my miserable financial situation. Which is miserable. I have had to borrow money yet again from my friend to pay my rent. I'm going to spend yet another weekend locked in my flat pretending that my life is not as sad as it actually it. I thought I was going to be paid today, as it turns out it won't be. It may be tomorrow. It may be next week - who knows? 

I was so miserable about my financial situation that I cancelled my booty call with Colbey, which was just as well, because I didn't lose any weight yesterday and that also totally bleaked me out to the extent that I drugged myself asleep by midday and only woke up this morning at 4am. Only after I ate about 700 calories. 

I am seeing Colbey tonight however, because I still want him. God, that makes me pathetic right? He treats me like shit and I still want him. I just really like him and I think in my attempt to make sure that no one gets close enough to hurt me, I convince myself that I don't like him. I do, I ruined it. He treats me like I'm nothing and I still want him. I'm pathetic. I don't want to be pathetic, but I am. 

Anyway, I also went for a 45 minute walk because I feel so pathetic. The plan is to not eat anything else today - I have had like 370 calories - two apples and some oatmeal. Hoping that I will still be below 70kgs tomorrow. 

Here's to the next goal: 67kgs! BOOM!

Bleating & Complaining

Xo Xo

Goal!

I just weighed at 69.8kg which means that I am officially below my first goal line. And down 5.2kg (11lbs) since I rededicated. STOKED!

Love & Peace
Xo Xo

Can I Get Back Into Bed Now?

I have successfully managed to not binge today although it does feel like I have. You know when you eat enough low calorie food and it just feels like TOO much? Yep. So I've had about 750 cals today: 6 low cal sausages, 2 apples and an egg. So yeah. Here's to hoping that I get below my milestone tomorrow. Hoping and praying. 

Colbey is coming over tomorrow for... well, I guess it's a booty call. I have given up hope with him. I fucked it up, there is no way that he wants anything more than sex. But I think I have accepted that fact. Just rolling with it. I guess... I don't think I want to play these man games anymore. No dating. Nothing. I can be alone, preoccupied. With myself. And until I can get back down to 58 - the way I should be - I need to focus on that. And then focus on being that modelly looking girl that I used to be. 

Fun. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

So Close To A Milestone

Fuck, well I am losing, just ever so slowly. You know when you watch weightloss programs or you read about it on those 'healthy weightloss' sites, they say it is healthy to lose about 1kg a week. I hate it SO FUCKING MUCH, because yes, you can accelerate this by starving (if you're ano), but if you're mia like me, it goes up and down - binge and purge - BOO! 

Anyway, so I'm on track for about that loss, slightly more. I'm down to 70.1kg. Which is 4.9kgs down in four weeks. 

My first milestone is breaking 70. SO FUCK TO THE FUCKKKKKK YEAH. After that the next milestone is breaking 67. 

I feel like I may be able to get my old self back who didn't feel like a fat piece of lard all the time. 

Boom! 

Peace & Luck

Xo Xo

Just A Little Blog

To mention that I am officially feeling dizzy as fuck when I stand up and this to me is a positive sign. I mean - yes, it's really fucked up that I think it's a good thing. But I'm stoked, because it means that I am restricting enough that it should work. I.e. Weightloss should happen. 

I've had like 450 calories today. I'm stoked. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Rotator Cuff

So, I've mentioned my dodgy shoulder - the thought occurred to me today whilst being in agony from the very tame yoga I did on Thursday that something is wrong with the muscles or something. Like - it's not the same as my dodgy knee - which is a ligament. So now I'm all freaked out about it being a rotator cuff injury - the symptoms are consistent. So I'm going to go to the doctor and get it checked out. If it is, it has been around for seven years. Idiot, Piggy. Idiot. 

Anyway, my scale has not moved and I'm convinced it is broken. I have a size small skirt from Zara that I need to fit into soon. Because it is cute as fuck. I figure it should fit decently when I'm back around 65. I will, I will, I will. So clean eating and under 1000 calories. And the yoga. Anyway, I can zip it up - but it's snug and my fat hangs over. SO I need to lose that. I can, I can, I can. 

I'm just waiting to get paid and then I'm gonna buy my roller derby kit and that should be good exercise for me. So hopefully my first practice will be on Thursday. There is a team intake on 12 January and I need to make sure I get stupid good at skating before then. I want to make the team. 

Boom! 

Bloaty & Fatty

Xo Xo

WHERE IS EVERYONE?

The bloggersphere is well and truly dead for the holidays... Ruby and I seem to be the only two that are posting. Although, the level of interest in my blog probably mirrors the amount of stuff that I have to say, which is arguably not much. 

Today, I spoke to a couple of recruiters about jobs, although I have a bit of follow up work to do from other jobs and a contract in the pipeline due to start next week. Sigh. I just need to finish my book. I will, I will, I will. 

I also started the 30-day yoga challenge today. So day 1 is done. I'm so inflexible, it's a joke. I can't bend at all and my body is so broken from judo and other stupid endeavors. Christmas break is drawing closer and closer, and I don't think I'm going to snowboard. I don't want to die. BUT I do want to finish a script for a tv series for this competition I saw... I have an idea. 

*evil genius maniacal laugh* MWAHAHAHA! 

Where is everyone? Seriously, I'm talking to myself. 

Going Crazy & Gone Fishing?

Xo Xo 

Adult Things

I hate and love being an adult. I love having the freedom to do whatever I want to do and more importantly, that I don't have to listen to anyone at all except myself. Things I don't like about being an adult is having to make adult decisions. Bills, career, men - taking the highroad. FUCK THE FUCKING HIGH ROAD! The only high road that I want to take is the one at the other end of the bong that I'm smoking. Fuck sakes. 

ANYWAY. So today, I got a credit card. My first adult credit card. Can you even? I mean - I don't want it, because I think that they are a scam - a one time access to your credit amount and thereafter, you are just spending and replenishing. Rinse, repeat. But anyway, I need one for my consulting business until my writing efforts take off. 

My book, Race War I is coming along really nicely. I'm editing like a mad person... does anyone know of any book bloggers out there who I should send it to when I'm finished? 

I've had about 600 cals today. Feeling good about it. Consisting of steel cut oats for breakfast and egg fried rice for dinner. Greeeeeat. 

Period bloating. 

I'm crazy, so what? 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Breakthroughs

This has nothing to do with my diet, but I figured out an important part of my book, so I thought I would just take a minute and shout about it. I also sent it to three literary agents, so here's to hoping. Although from what I have heard, most agents say no, so obviously I am not expecting anything good. But hey, you never know. 

OPTIMISM! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

When The Wheel Fall Off

There really is something pathologically wrong with me - like. I am incapable of not fucking things up. I'm just not a very nice person. So summary of the last week - I went ham on Colbey and I think things are pretty much done now. Basically, he had said that we would hang out on Saturday and on Saturday at 6pm I had still not heard from him, so I went ham - telling him he was an inconsiderate cunt etc, etc. Then at about 8pm, he uploaded some pics to facebook with his friends (a few with this girl who he looked very cosy with and I'm fairly certain they are porking) - anyway, so then I REALLY went ham - because he had not replied to any of my texts - then he replied and made the point that I had never actually expressed any commitment about these plans, but rather left it as - I'll decide tomorrow - kinda vibes. SO. It was kinda my fault. The whole thing - he told me I was high maintenance. 

Then I went out on Saturday on a reasonably empty stomach (I'd had a thins sandwich that day, so 200 cals) - and drank a SHITLOAD of tequila. I apologised to Colbey on Sunday and we have texted since, but he certainly isn't as interested as he was - I'm convinced that it is because he is dicking that short girl. It's because I'm fat - I know it. Fuck her. Fuck them both. 

From Saturday night till yesterday, I have been ill - like really, really ill and couldn't really eat. Except for one bingey carby meal that I forced myself to eat. Horrible. Anyway, but yesterday and today have been good days. 

I haven't left the house in days, I'm ignoring everyone on text. I want to go to sleep and wake up in three weeks. 

The silver lining is that I have a lead on a new contract which I should hopefully start next week - so at least this week will be my one and only of unemployment for a while. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Still No Scale, BUT!

Day 11 of clean eating is now completed - I really want to have some junk food though, but then I look at pictures of Colbey's ex and I'm fine again. Anyway, yay. So I have no idea what I weigh because my scale is still fucked, but the good news is that I'm entering this sleep study for a month and have to go for a full check up re: health and the good news about that is that they will most likely weigh me - if not, there will definitely be a scale there. AND, I can't eat for six hours before the appointment which is at 2.15pm so that means I will still be at my lightest when I go there. It will be good to know what I weigh. 

So today calorie-wise, according to my tracker I've had 685 calories. Which consisted of a ham and egg sandwich (on a warburton thins), a tiny salad consisting of 27g of feta cheese and tomato with balsamic and garlic egg fried brown rice for dinner. Anyway, so I'm stoked about that. I do feel like I'm getting smaller and considering I have successful restricted for 11 days with no break, I should in theory be down at least some weight. 

I will let y'all know. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Day 10

So today has been significant for me for a number of reasons. The happy news is that I have completed day 10 in a row of clean eating with no binging. Save for those beers I had last Thursday, but I don't think those count. And my calories have been strictly below 1000 since then. So that is news which really makes me very happy. 

The shit news is that my scale is broken so I have absolutely no way of knowing how much I weigh. I figure however that if I keep going like this for another ten days I will have the best surprise when I finally have enough money to buy a scale which is looking like it may only be the end of November now. But that's okay. ANYWAY. SO. 

Then some badder news - my company don't want to renew my contract until the next director starts in January, so that's shit. I am officially unemployed as of Friday afternoon. Great. But then that brings some more hopeful news. I have decided to push and get my book online for sale by the 15th of December. So... well. It's going to be a hell of a month to get that done, however. I know that I can do it. I've also set myself a list of tasks to market the hell out of the book and I'm hoping with good technique and some PR savvy, I can make this work. 

The other good news related to that is that I launched a very basic version of my FB page, so please go ahead and check it out. Please forgive the hideous picture, I need to get more pics taken, but I also need to spread the word. 

The okayish news is also that things with Colbey are great and I'm so into him. Just thought I'd say that. AGAIN. 

Calorie wise I've had two pieces of toast with this very garlicky eggland dip (maybe 200 tops), a ham thin sandwich (170), homemade sweet and sour chicken (350?) and tea with milk (100) so that's a total of 820 for the day. I can get behind that. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

When I Learnt To Restrict

I have had an eating disorder since I was about 15, I reckon. It wasn't always what it is now - back then it was a lot of uncontrollable binging. Then starving for a week, binging for a week - I was never thin, I gradually increased in weight and ended up at my highest weight. When I was 17 I wanted to lose weight for my prom, so I started eating vegetables only. I gave up dairy, meat and sugar and the weight dropped pretty quickly. But again, I wasn't exactly thin. I think my lowest back then was about the same as I am right now. 70-ish. But that was when I first dipped my toe into long-term sustained restricting. 

Fast forward 7 years and I was in London, shagging a worthy Australian named Ben, who I wanted more than anything (although he was mean and annoying) - we had been shagging for about three months and I thought things were going somewhere with him, even though I knew that secretly he was in love with Monika - my bestie. In a way, though I have never admitted this, I only hooked up with him in the first place so she wouldn't have him. Whatever, I was young. Anyway, so I behaved like a stupid horrible possessive drunk one night at a houseparty and Ben broke things off the next day. I was embarrassed and upset with him and myself. And the thing that stung the most was that I KNEW that him and Monika would hook up - and that pissed me off more than anything. When you are the fat girl, you don't want the thin girl to win. She was quite skinny back then and I was jealous. 

Anyway, so after this happened, I just didn't feel like eating. I would have a can of Heinz soup for lunch and a small dinner. It would probably still 1000 - 1500 calories, but I just didn't want to eat and I reveled at my body for this. I dropped 10lbs very quickly. In like... two weeks. It was amazing and then after that even when I did feel like eating I would stop myself, because I knew that I could go with much less food. 

When I went back to Cape Town and met Roy, I ate normally for a while. I didn't gain any of the weight back but didn't lose. And then one day, when our relationship was starting to sour, I came on blogger and started reading and I KNEW that I could do this. So I set myself a goal initially of 1000 calories a day. I used to obsess about food, blogging, tracking my meals, exercising - all of it. I was obsessed. If you read back to some of my first posts, you can see how obsessed I was with this platform. Gradually I would decrease my calories, but I never went through a long period of time with very very low cals - like 100 a day kinda low. But the weight dropped off pretty quickly, over three months I'd say I lost about 20lbs. It was amazing. 

I loved everything about being skinny. I loved my collar bones and the way clothing used to hang off of me. I loved not having to second guess what I was wearing because I knew that I didn't have much fat to hang out of things. I loved the attention from men and that people always used to ask me if I was a model. I loved hooking up with men that I knew were completely out of my league or sitting around the table with girlfriends who would comment on how skinny I was as I chowed down on a hamburger (for show, because of course that meant that I wouldn't eat for a week). 

Anyway, I was thinking about this in the shower yesterday and just wanted to share. I am going back to that place, because no amount of food or therapy is ever going to make me as happy as I was when I looked that way. Maybe I am vain, but it is beyond me to care about that - I want to be skinny. Not too skinny, like 130lbs (I'm tall). I just want to feel like that again. Hopefully by Christmas, things will have improved. 

Love & Peace

Xo Xo

When Things Become Obsessive

So here's the thing. Today I've likely had about 900 - 1000 calories - I'm not entirely sure how much because I made myself a "clean" sweet and sour chicken with a third of a cup of brown rice and eggs on toast for breakfast. Now I KNOW that I'm in my calorie range. I get it. Problem is that a sandwich and a full meal - that's way too much. There is no way I'm losing tomorrow. 

Logically, I know that I'm okay and if I don't lose it isn't because I fucked up - I haven't cheated or binged in a full week. (Long may it last!) But it's too much food! Way too much. 

On the flip, I did a deep clean of my flat today for four hours so I hope that burnt some calories. Great. 

There's no way I'm going to lose tomorrow. 

In other news, I had tea with my neighbour tonight (the neighbour who definitely saw me getting it on with a guy in the garden a few weeks ago, yes I know). He didn't say anything, but I'm mortified. 

I have not seen Colbey at all this weekend. I'm really upset that he said he'd come see me today and he didn't. Obsessed. Like a fucking teenager. 

Logic & Reason 

Xo Xo

Saturday...

I did literally jackshit today. I was SO hungry today, but I managed to control it. I had a chicken sandwich (400 cals), one slice of toast with tuna (180) and a herbalife shake (130). My total with milk from my tea et al was 737. I'm happy with that. 

I've also discovered that my scale is fucked. I weighed myself four times today, letting the scale switch off between weighs and got four different weights. Great. Fucking MARV! So now I need to get a new scale when I get paid. Great. 

Tomorrow is meant to be a cheat day, because I thought that it was going to be 7 days no binge. But I did binge last Sunday. So I'm going to let myself have cheat food now when I get below 70kg. Which should hopefully be soon. So here we go. Day 6 no binge. 

I did not see Colbey today so y'all can breathe a sigh of relief, no Colbey chatter - I did however use my motivation tool today to keep myself in good order i.e. looking at pics of his perfect whore ex! STICK INSECT WITH NO SOUL!

Striving to be skinny & Crying to be loved

Xo Xo

Obsessive

I think I am really obsessive at the moment... I'm not sure why. 

Obsession 1: Colbey. I forgot to mention in my last post that when I was charging his phone after it was dropped off here at my house at 4.45am after he left it in an uber, the phone turned on and a bunch of messages came through - which obviously I did not read (I'm not like that). But one of the messages that came through - if you know iPhone's, you can see a summary of all the messages without unlocking the phone - was from 'Diana' on Tinder. Now, I didn't read it (because there is a passcode and thank god for that, because I'm not sure I would've been able to restrain myself otherwise) - I also didn't say anything to him about that. Like I've decided to not go all Roy on this poor guy, so if he says he's not banging other people, then I choose to believe him. 

Obsession 1 leads to number obsession 2...

Obsession 2: Weightloss - even today I managed to not binge. I ended on 850 calories (on a hangover, I'm reasonably impressed with myself) - which consisted of a weightwatchers shake, a spinach smoothie, tuna with pickles and wholewheat egg-fried rice. So yeah, there was a point this afternoon where I was about to pack it in, but then (obsession 1 kicked in) I used my new go-to trick - stalking Colbey's ex on facebook - the STICK INSECT BITCH WITH NO SOUL! 

Which leads to obsession number 3....

Obession 3: Colbey's Ex. It was the most insignificant of his relationships, she is the only one he doesn't speak to anymore, but for some reason this woman haunts me. FUCKING STICK INSECT WITH NO SOUL! I think she annoys me for the following reasons: She is fucking skinny, fit skinny even; They traveled together a lot and it annoys me when people have traveled more than I have; She came from a very demure Oxford family and I'm... a hot mess?; She met his parents - AND YES, I KNOW I'VE ONLY JUST STARTED DATING HIM AND I HATE FAMILIES, but it's the principal (If it was a choice between logic and principal, I would choose principal every time!); She's pretty and little.

Obsession 4: My career or lack thereof. So I finally think that I've broken through what I think I want to be doing with my life. So there is my book - which is *watch this space*, but then there are also other things - for example, before I turn 30 (a year and a half about-ish) I want to do stand-up comedy. It scares the bejesus out of me so I've given myself some time to work up to it. Then, I've also decided that I want to try and write a pilot for a tv sitcom. Now, this is left-field I understand, but I have a friend who works at ITV (aka the home of Downton Abbey) and they have a commissioning scheme. I also have a really good idea and I may try and get it in front of an agent. I have a very strong idea and I'm 100% gonna write this shit and get it out there. I'm meant to be a creative and a writer, I'm meant to share my ideas and I can't believe that it has taken me 28 years to figure this out. How did I ever think I was going to be a lawyer?

Anyway, so basically the obsession of the moment is Colbey and I'm really sorry that I keep droning on about him - there is more to come... I apologise in advance. I'm seeing him tomorrow and I can't fucking wait. 

I've been so inspired lately that I've started painting again... I haven't painted since I left England the first time, so 2011. Roy really killed my love of painting... He told me once that he wouldn't have dated me if I didn't paint. Asshole. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

WHOOP! Loss-Ahoy!

So yesterday, Colbey texted me at like 2pm and said that he forgot he had some tickets for Blackalicious, did I want to go? I'm fucking broke, so I was like - nooooo, I'll pass - like I'll go watch the fireworks instead. But I have his phone, so it was like - dude, come fetch after, but he texted - I mean facebooked - at about 6 saying he was coming to mine. So I just YOLO'd the fuck out of it and went with him - I had THE BEST TIME! I didn't think I was into hip hop - turns out I am. Colbey is a ton of fun and without sharing TOO much (but fuck it, it's my blog) - the sex is like. mind-blowingly good. 

ANYWAY, so yesterday I managed to stay good food-wise - I had a soy latte and then figured before I was going out that I didn't want to throw up after one beer or pass out, because I was wearing heels, so I ate a small can of chickpeas (130) and half a banana (50) - but thennnnn I had four pints of beer and a vodka, so that was a good 1200. 

But then, lo and behold, I lost another 1.2kg today. I'm sure that it is because I'm dehydrated from the alcohol, but what I am going to do is make sure that I don't binge. I'm allowing myself a big old cheat meal on Sunday, so I need to not eat shit before then and I'm going to go for a long walk later to make sure that I don't get all fat tomorrow. 

I am feeling better as I'm shrinking - long may the motivation last! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

The Diet & Exercise Myth

In my bouts of ED mania over the years - the times when I starve, the times (like now) where I uncontrollably binge for months on end, the times when I get it right, the times when I become obsessed with exercise (however fleeting) - there are a few things that one comes to realise, maybe it is a truth that the rest of the world don't actually understand - that is simply that you can 'diet' (atkins, tim noakes, banting, paleo, vegan, raw, high-carb, low-carb, low-fat, etc) and lose moderate amounts of weight - getting to a 'healthy' weight. You can do that, but the easiest and most efficient way of losing weight is to simply drastically cut calories. 

I am a child of efficiency, I loathe inefficiencies. I'm not OCD, I'm not a neat freak - I just always choose the path of least resistance and I will not do something in 10 steps if there is a way to do it in 6. I'm basically the ultimate lazy person. I have no necessarily been starving myself, well not by any definition I know. 800 - 1000 calories over three days and have lost 1lb a day. Now tell me why I would go to the fucking trouble of having to exercise and to prepare so much yukky food that no one wants to eat. 

It is a fucking MYTH, I tell you. A MYTH that we need to eat healthy and exercise to be skinny. No, you just need to get less - as I get older, sure I find that I need to eat healthier food, just because I don't want to completely feel apart and it makes me feel physically better (*cough* ignore the millions of gallons of coffee I consume), but I know that if I cut calories the weight will go. 

So yeah, down another 0.6kg today - which is 1.6kg since Monday morning. Stoked. 

I will be skinny & I will not exercise

Xo Xo

Bookstores

So... *drum roll* please...

I lost 1kg between yesterday and today - which is about 2lbs. I'm stoked about that, particularly as I went over my calories yesterday. So anyway, I realise that it is probably water weight, but hey - got to start somewhere. Anyway, so today - calories were better, but not great. I had a smoothie, a salad for dinner and then some apple juice, two rocky road bites and a chocolate thing bite - the latter bites were at a writing workshop that I went to for NaNoWriMo. I wasn't going to have anything, but then I decided to just have one and then I had three. Anyway, they were really small and it wasn't more than 200 cals and I adjusted my dinner according. Anyway, so today was about 920 calories or thereabouts. 

Yeah, so it's okay. Let's hope for a loss tomorrow. More water, Piggy. I need to drink more water. 

Colbey has not texted me since 8pm last night. He has two girls staying with him. His ex-girlfriend is smoking out. Stop being insecure and just get thinner. I bet he's over me. Someone like me does NOT end up with someone like him. 

Water & Skinny

Xo Xo

When You Have To Pep Talk Yourself

Stop obsessing about his ex-girlfriend and just BE THINNER!

X & O
Xo Xo

Today.

My disgusting weight and my disgusting body. Look it's not great. I have made a number of decisions regarding my diet and my weight. I'm sticking to 1000 calories and below. I am not obsessing about minimum numbers and endless fasts. The goals are simple: 

1. No binging
2. No high GI foods (i.e. no processed foods)
3. No fast food/take-aways (I'm SO guilty of this one)
4. No crisps 
5. NO BINGING NO BINGING NO BINGING

Yesterday was really good. Today was alright. I did have dinner at Monika's house, which was basically just a lovely chat about my Colbey and my book. So food first - I had a spinach, almond milk, chia seed and banana smoothie, and for dinner about 8 dark chocolate covered strawberries, a grilled salmon steak and a chickpea and avocado salad. Total on my tracker is 1016. Even though it is over my 1000, I walked home from the station instead of taking the bus and I'm still pleased, because I haven't binged and I haven't eaten any junk. Even the dark chocolate on the strawberries was minimal and apparently dark chocolate isn't entirely the enemy. ANYWAY. 

So about my book - the book's name is now: Race War: The Beginning. I am 68,000 words into the book and I've got 22,000 left. I'm planning on releasing it sometime in February. And I hope I can count on anyone who still reads this dribble to at least buy one copy or two. :) 

NO BINGING!! 

Tomorrow, at NaNoWriMo, we are going to an old bookstore near Kings Cross Station and amongst the greats I will have the privilege of writing my meager offering. I am starting to feel really amazing about this book, like I may actually have a chance at being recognised for writing something good and contributing my opinion. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Beautiful (Thin)Fitspo

Love & Light in Black & White

Xo Xo

Halloween

So this weekend... I stayed in on Friday night and didn't eat. Much - I mean about 900 altogether. On Saturday, I was nervous as hell - it was going to be my first public outing with Colbey and I was absolutely terrified. I was running really late and eventually got to my friends house - they got to the pub before we did and then we showed up about twenty minutes after kickoff. The All Blacks won! Thank fuck, because Colbey and I had a bet that if either of our teams won the World Cup, the other would get the emblem tattooed on the ass. Thank fuck. 

So when we got there, Colbey was fucking. wasted. I mean - Fifteen beers and a fifth of vodka kinda wasted. He was screaming horrible things at the game (unsportsmanly things ergo horrible) which made me really shifty and his friend Nath was there, who I was trying to hook up with Monika - thankfully, my friends saved the day by also coming along so it wasn't an awful couple situation. Colbey and I barely looked at each other the entire game - I was MORTIFIED!! Even thinking about it - I AM mortified. 

He was super cute though, kept trying to grab me and kiss me... which was sweet in a way and then we went back to Monika's flat and he passed the fuck out. It was cute, but really messy. After a couple of hours, we dressed up and went out. He didn't make it into the club, so I was on drunk duty. And from there... I had the best possible night. He is HEAPS of fun. We partied all night and then at about 1am we left the bar and started having a London mission. 

We went and got dirty burgers (a MILLION CALORIES!) and then walked along the river, we sat on this wall for ages making out... It was absolutely beautiful. He totally told me he loved me (which was a drunk confession so 100% not true) and it was the sweetest thing. And then we had the best sex... OMG that I have had in ages. He is just so... Yeah. Amazing. 

Anyway, then yesterday, we spent the whole day just hanging out. He was super cuddly and cute. He's so ticklish and he sleeps like a teddy. We went and had lunch with his friend and he's super affectionate (even in front of the friend) - like, holding my hand and stuff... It was. Just so great. We did talk about our ex's a bit. Then stupidly I went and stalked all the ex's on fb. The first two are throwaways. And like - no threat there. 

The most recent one, which is like a year and a bit ago - she is smoking hot, really pretty and she looks like a ton of fun. The pics - like they were doing tons of stuff together, travelling - she met his parents. Like - I FUCKING HATE HER. I WANT TO KILL HER. FUCKING WHORE PERFECT BITCH HO!  So, yeah. That was a mistake. The good news is that it is really motivating me to get thin again and to be more active and fun already. More than just drinking. 

Anyway, so that was my weekend. He left his phone in the uber and it was dropped off here at 4.45am this morning, I now have his phone less than a few feet away and the temptation is too much. But I don't know the passcode. ANYWAY, forget about it - I'm not going to act like a psycho with this one. This is it - I am not fucking this up. Today I've had about 200 cals, including a herbalife shake (150 - I figured if I make it with almond milk, it's less calories) and coffee. 

I will weigh tomorrow, but I ate like shit on Sunday. A lot of shit. So I'm not expecting anything. I am going to a write-in in an hour which is a get together of writers who sit and write for 2 hours. It's part of NaNoWriMo - which is National November Writers Month or something like that with the goal of writing an entire book (or 50000) in one month. Now, I've already got 63000 words, so I've only got 27000 to reach my goal. So this month will be about finishing my book. And getting it ready for editing. 

YES! 

Love & Writing

Xo Xo

Halloween Anxiety

Tomorrow is going to mine and Colbey's first outing since we started hanging out - now please note: We are not dating. We are not seeing each other. We are not a couple. But like... urgggggh. So we are going to watch the rugby world cup final (NZ vs AU - he is Australian...) and his friend Nath is coming with. Now... My friend Monika is coming with and her and Nath have kinda been... sold on each other for a hook up - you know what I mean, when one tries to play cupid? Well yeah so basically, that is the situation. Now, I'm absolutely shitting it for a number of reasons:

1. It will be couply, I don't want couply - COUPLY MAKES ME WANT TO CLIMB UNDER A TABLE AND DIE!
2. What if Monika and Nath do end up hooking up... Does that make Colbey and I the old married couple of the vibe?? Again, you know what I mean. 
3. What if Colbey goes off and finds another girl to hit on. Not only will I be dying of embarrassment and shame, because obviously I'm fat as shit at the moment and therefore entirely unattractive (my chins have chins) and obviously there will be younger, prettier and certainly skinnier and sluttier than me - HOW DO I REACT? Do I play it cool like I don't care and then stop speaking to him or go psycho? Like - it's just not a situation I want to be in. 
4. Colbey and Nath are 100% not going to be dressing up. And Monika and I are definitely dressing up. It's gonna be weird. I don't want to look weird. I just want him to think I'm hot and cool. 
5. What if I go Keran-mode drunk - what if he goes Colbey-mode drunk? What if we just do mesh together when we are both on form. 

Jesus. It's too much for me. I wish I hadn't invited him. I just want to nap. 

Calories today are roughly 500. No loss, because I fucked up yesterday, got stoned and ate Chinese. I'm hoping for something decent tomorrow. 

Le Sigh & Le Moan

Xo Xo

Herbalife & Colbey

Firstly, my shameful disgusting weight - 74.6kg. Yep - that is how far I've backslid. But plan - I'm going to do herbalife shakes twice a day for two weeks and hopefully shed five of those. That will be 600 cals more or less per day for two week. God, one can only hope. I reckon getting down to 70 will be relatively easy-ish and from there. I don't know how this happened... no, I mean I know exactly how this happened, but like. Ja. Fuck it. 

In other news - Colbey, the Australian. He is dumb and cute, but I really him. He came over yesterday and like.. he's just so cute. But like 29 year old man child. Probably a worse drunk than myself. Sadly, I have found the Australian equivalent of Waldo - Lilypad. The South African beautiful blonde boy... Not even remotely joking. 

Today, plan is for a 600 cal day. Had a shake and two soy lattes (that's already 500, so maybe a bit more). Anyway, WURQ! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

A Cluster Fuck

Which is a reference to my 'love life' - my life - my life which involves romance men. So first let me talk about Colbey - the Australian. We met up last week Monday and I'm really smitten, but then I saw him two days ago and I realised that he is pretty and dumb. As in, he is not as smart as I am and that makes me sad. He's not smart at all. He has no interest in the things I'm interested in and despite the fact that he's got a masters degree and is a reasonably awesome physiotherapist, he is kinda dumb as rocks. But he's also really into me. And like... he has this emotional sex thing... he got all turned on because I was giving him soft kisses on his nose. *I CAN'T FUCKING EVEN* Anyway, so it makes me wonder if we have it all wrong. Like - do we have to find a man who makes us completely happy or have the middle-aged men with sports cars and trophy wives had it right the whole time. In a world of highflying professionals - should I get a hot, dumb husband and then enjoy my friends and the money that I make. Anyway, so I've decided to try and challenge myself and marry Colbey (am I psycho? It feels like a psycho idea, but like why not?). 

But then it gets more complicated. On Friday, I got well drunk with a friend and ended up shagging him - like BDSM stuff - never done it before, it was weirdly hot. But yeah - WHY DID YOU DO THAT PIGGY??? WHYYYYYYY? 

It gets worse... 

On Saturday, David came round and we shagged too. It was sad stuff and we've been hooking up since then. We know there is no getting back together, but it's ongoing. 

I'm fat. I'm slutty. I'm a pig. 

Cals today: 200 (breakfast), 440 (dinner), 150 (latte), 50 (hot choc) = 840 for the day. 

Stupidity & Shame

Xo Xo

A World Of Shit

So besides the fact that I am predictably huge, however committed to getting smaller. Monday was a fast day - today was a good restricter - I am in a shitstorm, because my contract fee hasn't been paid and I am not 11 days late on my rent. So now, my friend is lending me money to cover it and I feel like a fucking bum. A FUCKING BUM! 

Also, I ran into Roy in Cape Town and Nic - the best friend whom I fucked on the couch downstairs while Roy was asleep - did. not. go. well. Anyway, I won't get into that because I am a fuckhead. Needless to say that I shamed myself. Again. Fucking hell Piggy, get it together. 

I also slept with Will - who, readers will recall was the guy that I shagged before I left Cape Town, again in San Diego last year and whom my recent ex, David stayed with while in Cape Town and was friends with. SO, not only did I sleep with Will, I then told David. David called me a fucking psycho, etc. etc. and so on and so forth. Also, that was super fun. So David will never speak to me again. I'm like two steps away from going all Big in Sex and the City - sending him poems on email asking for forgiveness, but then I don't actually want him back, but I miss him as a friend. He was my best friend. Tragic, innit?

And then, as if the drama of my life doesn't suffice, I told you about the hot Australian from SW4 - well I saw him for the first time since and shagged him - very mediocre, BUT he is just the loveliest most amazing, crazy, fun and funny man - I am completely in love. He texted me yesterday afternoon to say how rough he felt, but that he had no regrets. Have not heard from him since lunchtime yesterday. So, my craziness has yet again turned people away from me. Great, Piggy. Just fucking GREAT! So, ladies and gents - I am destined to die alone. 

Other things happened in Cape Town that I am 100% NOT getting into. 

My intake today was a a quarter slice of pizza (150?), a grilled cheese with tomato soup (600?) - so maybe 850 total. I will post a weight tomorrow. I will be skinny. I will have the Australian (whose name is Colbey) not think I'm disgusting even if he thinks I am crazy... 

OH WAIT! I am fucking crazy. 

Peace & Crazy

Xo Xo

Give Me Strength

I am disgusting - honestly, my body, my face, my skin, my mind. I am disgusting. I'm packing to go to Cape Town and I am too fat for most of my clothes. Well, I'm 40 hours into a fast and want to make it till my meal on the plane tomorrow night. I can do this, but I also do need to eat that melon in my fridge or it will go off. So maybe I'll eat that tomorrow before I leave for the airport, I will have to lug a huge bag across London so actually, maybe the calories will be good for strength. It's 200 calories for the whole thing... so ja. It should be fine. Fasting for two days, give me strength to make it through the next 8 hours. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Another Fast

By some miracle, I have managed another fast day... although maybe that's not fair to say because I have had enough tea to sink the Titanic and there are calories in milk. But let's say that I've had 200 cals and no "food" today, so that's a win I think. Tomorrow, I plan to still not have anything besides coffee and tea, and then Saturday I will eat the melon that is in my fridge. 

So, in other news, I'm going on a jolly to Cape Town on Saturday for two weeks - I'm going to run wild for a few days back in my old hood and not gonna lie, I'm really looking forward to being back on my old stomping ground. STOKED! 

I'm still feeling fucked up and down, but I think this is still good news for now. Going to go to that festival that I had desperately wanted to lose weight for all those years ago. With my psycho-ex. I really hope that I don't see him when I'm there... It's gonna be great though. I'm stoked to get away. 

Wish me luck?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Finally, A Fast

I have finally managed a fucking fast - after how many years of being straight up shit at my condition. A fast is done. Yesterday, I almost went too far by ordering Dominos for lunch which I ate (about 1100) cals and haven't eaten since then. 24 hours. I'm going to try and keep this going until tomorrow morning. I'm excited. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

All Of It

So David and I are definitely done. It however hasn't stopped me from drunk crying on the phone to him a few times about how sad I am about it - is it me!? Well, yes okay, so I'm sure this all sounds really familiar. I have now blocked his number on my phone - more for my own safety than his. It is done. 

I went to SW4 last weekend... no. Two weekends ago and met this Australian guy... who I kissed - did I mention this in my last post? Anyway, so I kissed him and then we are meant to be going to Holi Festival in London on Saturday. I don't know if it's actually going to happen and he certainly doesn't want anything to me, but I think I might be on rebound enough to let him be a bit shitty to me. What do I mean? Well... Firstly, I definitely think he is only inviting me because he has no one else to go. Secondly, I think he definitely is only being friendly to me, because he is new to London and wants to access my friend group, because he keeps saying that he really likes them. Thirdly, he was meant to come to the house party the next day and blew me off, then a week later with no word from him, all of a sudden I'm hot and funny, and he wants to see me again. All very suspicious man behaviour. Anyway, I want to just have some fun, no relationships. So he might be the treat, as long as I don't let him hurt or use me. Don't let him get to my friends, etc. 

It is suspicious, isn't it?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

More & More Excuses

Do you ever feel like your life is just a series of really shitty events? I mean they are all my fault, but I fucking HATE that normal shit doesn't make me happy. I am literally doomed to a life of fucking struggle! I had a lovely boyfriend - he didn't make me happy. I had a decent job - that doesn't make me happy so I quit it and am now hedging my bets on a book that may or may not be successful. (Will you guys buy my book?) I can't sit in an office, I can't be happy with just regular shit, it always has to be crazy or I get bored. And the worst part about it all is that normal people are drawn to the unusual so I pull all these perfectly lovely people into my shitstorm and fuck them over, hurt them, piss them off or just generally act like a fucking arsehole towards them. 

Jesus Christ Piggy, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!

Love & Hate

Xo Xo

Kickstarter

So David and I broke up on Friday and unlike the last time, this time is for good. We are just chronically mismatched and I don't think we ever will be able to live together happily. We are just too different - which brings me to my next point. I am swearing off men. Forever, I've had enough of emotional attachment. I want to focus on being a better friend to the awesome people who have stuck by me. 

The next significant thing that has happened is that on Friday I quit my job. I have a freelance contract starting on 1 September and from there, I will figure things out. Who knows?

Which brings me to my next point - I have a crowdfunding page on kickstarter to pay for the self-publishing fees on my book, the Family. If you have a couple of dollars to spare, you'll get a copy of the book with some of the options, so yeah. LOOK AT IT! Or even if you just want to read the synopsis of the story and give me feedback, have a look:

http://kck.st/1LqNeld 

My last request in this relation - for those of you that have loads of readers on the blogs or have active social media accounts and stuff - please won't you share it for me? I really want to get this capital together so I can fund the shit out of this book. 

Shameless self-promotion, but hey. 

In the book, I kill my ex? Worth reading, don't you think!! 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

It's All So Abysmal

I went to the doctor now for a pill check and she weighed me - hu.mil.i.a.ting. She asked me why I've put on 10kgs in the last three years. I was like - fuck you bitch. I HAD A BIG LUNCH. The truth of it actually is that I binge last night. Great, isn't it. I'm still devoted though.

I had three pieces of chicken for lunch - yes, three. I know, fuck off. I know. About 650 calories - no skin though. I'm just not going to eat anything else today. Simples. It will be okay, I think. I just hate the day post binge. You know how you do it right - you say to yourself - think about how good you'll feel tomorrow if you don't binge. But you always fucking do binge. Every. Fucking. Time. To be fair it wasn't a bad, BAD binge. I had some ribs, some chicken and a few fries. It wasn't like. End of days, bad binge. I find I can't binge like I used to. So now I just get fat, because I can't control myself. This week would've been so good if it weren't for that FUCKING BINGE!

I hate myself. 

No love & Hate

Xo Xo 

When Things Turn Dark...

So I'm 33,000 words into 'The Family' - my book. That's what I'm calling it. :) Heyo, and Sammy, I will be taking you up on your offer to have a read. FYI. Things in the book are getting dark though, I write it on the tube everyday and today is the first day that I'm writing at home really, because I have to write a rape scene. I don't really want anyone reading over my shoulder while I'm doing that thinking 'mother of fucking christ on a cupcake, what the fuck is this chicks problem?' So I'm writing it at home. It's a horrible thing to write about, but it is the context of my book... soooooo... What makes it worse is that I'm writing it from the perspective of the rapist who thinks he is justified in doing it. Dark times, yo. Dark times. 

Weight wise, things are still bleak. I was 70.5kg this morning when I weighed - after a week of gross eating, not totally unexpected. Today, I skipped lunch and had a 400 cal pesto pasta for dinner with a blue berry smoothie and coffee with milk, so 600 for the day is my guess. Hoping this food weight will disappear and I'll be back below 70 tomorrow. 

Love & Lovelier

Xo Xo