Merry Day-That-Shall-Not-Be-Named

Well, it's the day after. 

Do you ever feel like your ED makes you miss out on things? I feel it all the time, like missing out on making and eating all the yummy holiday foods, travelling around Italy on a food adventure, sampling the delights of French patisseries, Turkish delicacies, the breads of the middle East. You know what I mean, I feel it all the time. 

I was meant to see Chris today, he flaked. I'm angry. I haven't seen him in three weeks, because he's been climbing in the mountains. And as always, he is the one who dictates the schedule and I get no say in it. Because I was meant to see him today, I didn't binge yesterday, although I did on the eve. 

Today, I went to yoga and here I now seethe about the fact that I'm always an afterthought. Somehow, I allow this. 

We are meant to go to Bournemouth tomorrow, if I don't hear from him today - I am cancelling our hotel. It's not all about what he wants, I'm not a bloody afterthought. 

Asshole. 

Peace & Loathing

Xo Xo 

Anxiety - 1; Piggy - 0

So now I am literally stressing balls about my visa expiring in March. I have always known that I would need to sort my indefinite leave to remain out, but now I've managed to convince myself that I am going to get rejected and sent back to South Africa. The thought is in fact too horrible to even deal with. So, all-in-all, I am now trying to make sure that if that happens I am making all the necessary preparations. 

Either making peace with the fact that I am going to die in South Africa - honestly, this thought is too horrible to bear. Or trying to make an alternative arrangement so I can go from here to anywhere else. Literally. I will go anywhere. ANYWHERE. Maybe I can sell myself as a mail order bride? 

I don't know how this kind of anxiety seems to plague me the worst over Christmas - last year it was the fact that I was broke, and Colbey. The year before that it was that I had been cornered by a coworker at the Christmas party - who was also the financial director, for allegedly talking behind her back, which I did not. I just fucking hate this shit. Every year. 

I just have to make it till the 26th and then Chris is coming to stay and he will distract me. And then in the New Year, I need to start prepping these forms. If I'm being proactive, it should just about work to calm the anxiety. 

The positive about it is that I am so anxious, I feel nauseous all the time so I don't want to eat. The negative is that I am now on holiday for the year and this means I can drink through my anxiety and once I'm drunk, I just want to eat ribs. It's disgusting. I feel disgusting. 

Yesterday I had about 850 cals, but did an intense yoga class. This consisted of a mince pie, some sushi, two skinny hot chocolates and many, many coffees. 

Today, I've had a large skinny latte (140), an apple (60), a banana (80) and I'm gonna get some soup for later or something. Get into bed and not leave. Ever. 

I just hate this time of year. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Dear Anxiety.

It's different from last year. It's not going to happen again. 

Your job is good, you're doing fine at your job. They trust you, you are doing what you are supposed to. Just keep up your pace and don't slack now. The team depends on you. This isn't like last year. You've got enough money and have managed to save some. This is good. You are doing great. It's different from last year. 

You are not as fat as you were last year, you just have to control it and not let it get that bad. You deserve to feel good in your body. You didn't feel good last year. This is different from last year. It's not going to get that bad. You can control it, you can persevere, because you have willpower and it's all alright. You've done well this year, just keep going. It's totally different from last year. 

He is different from Colbey. He isn't going to do that and change his mind. You can trust him. You know that you can trust him. It's different from last year, it's not Colbey. He isn't Colbey. You can trust him. Listen to me, Piggy. You can trust him. 

It's different from last year. It's just the lack of sun, the lack of warmth, it's this time of year. It's just something about it being the end of the year, something about the introspection that comes with New Years Eve. It's just the time of the year.

It is totally different from last year. Anxiety, y'hear me? It's totally different.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo 

Someone Called Me Skinny Today

... Twice.

Peace & Love
Xo Xo

They Get Better Everyday.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I don't really ever have my disorders under control, despite me thinking that I do. If I'm completely honest with myself, my attitude to and relationship with food is just as bad as it was before, maybe worse now because those behaviours are so engrained in me that I don't even consider them strange. So engrained that I have no problem telling people about them if they ask. 

I'd like to think that they've got better over the years though as I've tried to manage them. I don't purge anymore like at all ever. I also don't starve myself for days at a time anymore aka the beloved fast. I haven't fasted in ages. Well, not intentionally. Although I frequently skip meals still. 

(I'm on the tube right now writing this and someone around me has the most STANK garlic breathe, my eyes are watering as I write this... if there is someone in the carriage with gross ass garlic breathe, I somehow will find them.) 

I don't write my calories down anymore, although I always 'know' (anyone with an ED always 'knows'). I don't weigh myself more than once a day. I don't weigh myself on days when I know it's heavier, because I think most importantly for me, I don't hate myself if I slip up. I have realised that I can just be better tomorrow and that it isn't the end of the world. 

I think the most important thing though is about my binges. They are rarely as bad as they used to be and very infrequently. If I binge, it'll be a 3000 calorie day rather than a 10000 calorie day. I can recognise that I don't need all the food in the world to satisfy my binge. I think that's a win. 

Since it's December I'm starting to reflect and this year was the first year I set real goals for myself, rather than vague ones. And I've achieved them mostly. So I want to do the same in 2017. 

The year of Piggy. It's getting better I think... 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Thinking Out Loud In December

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this post or rather what the point of it is... I've just been thinking a lot about my life and my goals, and the types of things that I am focusing my energy on. I dunno, maybe this is just thinking out loud. 

As we know, I love a list... 

1. Yoga: This has been taking up a lot of my brain space at the moment, mostly because I have to commit £99 a month to a contract with this for a year and that's a lot of money when I'm trying to save. The other impact that this has on my life is that if I want to commit the time to doing this, I can't booze as much as I used to, not only because of the cost involved, but also - being hungover is not something that will fit in with this. I really want to become really good at it and to be able to do cool inversions, and more than that - it is important to me that I start looking after my body properly and not being a crumpled up old lady. I haven't smoked since the 12th of November (basically, only once since Halloween ) and it important to me that this keeps happening. 

Bringing me to #2...

2. My friends: I need to have a swift conversation with my friends and family within my social circle that I want to commit to not smoking, yoga and not drinking much. This is important and I feel like I have in some ways socially isolated myself for the past few months, because I feel like they're not supportive of the things that I want to do. So I'm going to start having these conversations with them. About wanting to do cheap things, that don't involve alcohol. And that they need to get on board with this, because it is my focus. 

3. Chris: I'm not sure about him, I'm never sure about them. I worry that he wants someone who wants marriage, or wants to let him be a lad. I'm not and I don't. Not that he wants to marry me, I say 'marriage' more as a statement of normal values which I do not possess. It's way too soon to think about these things, and I accept this. There is something else which is kinda minor, I will get to that in a later post. 

4. My side project: I have been doing some work on this, but it is in no way close to completion and I really need to start prioritising this in my life. This is all part of the same thing really i.e. relating to points 1 & 2. 

5. My weight/looks: I just need to be at a stable weight, a stable, thin weight. I need to be between 60 and 62kgs consistently for a sustained period of time, with a diet worked out that will allow me to stay there without too much energy being consumed by this. I'm back into the swong of the ED, and I don't like being here. I was 64.3kg this morning. So once I'm back below 62, I can figure it out. I think that once I am there, I am going to aim to add calories to my diet gradually to try and work out where it's meant to be to promote maintenance. I'm not 'starving' myself right now, but it's just enough restriction that the weight is coming off. I think I'm between 1000 - 1200 cals a day currently. 

6. Willpower: I bought a slab of dark chocolate (I have Seasonal Affected Disorder, so am trying to eat foods which promote seratonin production and dark chocolate is one of them) and it has 10 pieces as part of the slab. My goal for the week is to allow myself to eat 2 of these pieces a day as a treat and to make the slab last to the end of the week, because I have willpower and I CAN DO THIS. 

So that's kinda it. 

I went to yoga today, it was lovely. I did a shoulder stand in class last night, so have already been twice this week and it feels really good. So I'm gonna go tomorrow because I like the Wednesday night class. I think I can see that I'm getting better at some of it. 

Otherwise, I had avocado on 2 slice of toast for breakfast, two yoghurt pots, a banana, dark chocolate and a hot chocolate so far today. My estimation for that is 800 thus far. I really should stop, but hey. I'm gonna make a sweet potato hash for dinner and call it a night. 

Go team. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

** UPDATE: I ate the whole block of chocolate. Cuz I have willpower, right? Who the fuck am I kidding. Chris hasn't texted me today, so I texted him. I got two lines of response and then nothing. He's not into me anymore, I'm sure of it. Why would he be?  **

Let The Games Begin

Chris spent the weekend here... he arrived on Friday evening (including dinner) and stayed until this afternoon (Monday) - no meals today. I cooked almost every meal for us... kinda. 

I didn't go overboard on any of these days and although I haven't weighed myself accurately, because it is difficult to weigh yourself inconspicuously when there's company, I estimate my weight to be in the mid-64'. (Remember, we are aiming to get back down to 60-flat, LOLz because this changes every day. Moving goal posts much?) ANYWAY, so I'm pleased about that. 

So, the games to which I refer are the eating disordered, attention seeking games. I didn't eat very much when he was here. And frowned upon his sugar-filled snack choices. I probably did around 1000 cals a day while he was here, which again - is quite a bit by ED standards. But that aside. 

The games - I know it's totally fucked up, but I WANT him to notice that I'm eating far less than a normal person would, than he would. On Sunday, I went to yoga and he went climbing, I made tacos when I got back - he had four. I had one. I estimate that these have about 300 cals (MAX) in them (probably closer to 250). He remarked 'is that all you're eating, ONE taco?' - I responded, 'yes, I'm getting back, I've gained 4kgs this year, it's not okay.' 

Now strictly, this is not true, but it is. In the summer I got down to 61.4kg, which was only for a day and I was in the 65's last week, so technically it is true. The part that isn't true is that I started this year at around 72kgs after gaining a ton. 

ANYWAY, the point is that it's totally fucked up that I wanted to get down to 58kgs SO badly, so that he can comment that I've lost weight, or that I'm really thin or that I don't eat enough (WHY AM I SO FUCKED UP!?). I am dying, ACHING for someone to tell me that I'm too thin again. I would kill to be called too thin. Or for someone to call me skinny and to actually believe it. 

So it's less than three months in with this guy and already my insecurities are playing havoc with me. This eating disorder really does crop up at the weirdest time... And it's two-fold, like it was with Roy. One the one hand, Chris has a really amazing body (I'm not exaggerating this point, he has like a ten pack) and on the other, I want to look good next to him/not look like his chubby girlfriend. SIDENOTE: We haven't DTF'd (defined the relationship) - i.e. I'm not his girlfriend. 

Also, I've been doing yoga properly for a month now and I've got to make the decision tomorrow to commit to a 12 month contract at the studio, which I can't cancel. SO, I also want to be very good at yoga, but this will be a conscious decision on my part to commit my time to doing it, which I have been doing and I would like to continue to do this. My goal has been two classes a week, which I have met so far and will continue to meet in the future. 

Anyway, so there you go. I'm playing eating disordered games with the new guy. It is ridiculous and I know it is, and somehow I can't seem to stop myself. 

So it looks like my goal is 58kg. Who'd have thought?

Everyone reading this. 

I know, right?

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Adulty AF

Last weekend I was very emotional and I think I have seasonal affected disorder. It has struck me that I had the same reaction this time last year, which led to all the Colbey drama (what an asshole nonetheless) and led to me getting fat, depressed, suicidal and just generally not a happy bunny. 

The result of this was carb binging. A lot of it. Basically, I am now fighting down my weight back into the happy place (62 - 64kg). I am currently at 65.3kg. Which is alright. Except Chris is coming to spend the weekend which might mean more eating. I'm gonna fight this though. 

Anyway, so now I'm trying to keep myself on a diet which encourages additional

Serotonin production - salmon, yoghurt, nuts, bananas and such stuff. 

I've also been at the yoga now for four weeks and have been making it two/three times a week currently. The goal was twice a week. So long as this can continue, I am going to keep my membership to the studio. I feel better after I do it. Particularly, my back. 

I've also been trying to save money which is actually going kinda well at the moment. Like, it's not easy cuz I've been the most frugal person in the world and that is SO not me. I can live like this. So beyond my immediate saving needs, I think I can actually do this as a long term thing. I'd like to decrease how much I'm saving at the moment, cuz I have like no extra money (just over a quarter of my salary), but it's nice knowing I have a financial buffer if I need it. 

At the moment, I do feel like I'm winning a little bit. Let's hope Murphy can let me have this for a little while. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

My Absence

So what's been happening: 

1. Trump is still president. 

2. I've been not doing great at nutritionwise, which is why I haven't been posting. It's not fatal, I've been hovering in the 64s, but it's a binge-starve cycle. Not bad binges mind you. Mostly it goes binges on Saturday to Monday (including) and then trying to get my shit together for the remainder of the week, which I just about do. And then fuck it all up the next weekend. This weekend, I am keeping myself free with no plans and the plan is to spend the weekend going to yoga and practising skinny. 

3. Then, I've been really trying to get into yoga - this is really difficult on Monday and Tuesday for the reasons described above - I.e. That I am fat and bloaty (and gassy) and then going to bend myself around in a class of skinny people isn't exactly what I feel like doing. Anyway, I'm going to yoga tonight and managed to not eat everything, so today will be a good adult day. I plan to hold onto my spoons fiercely. The other reason, is that I just suck on Monday and Tuesday. I hate these days. And I never do anything. So yeah, that's also it. 

4. Things with the Chris are going great. It's been over two months since we started chatting, month and a half since our first date. Mind you, I never see him cuz he's always away. But there isn't much more to say about this. I'm trying to not be my regular overreacting, dramatic, hysterical self here. So I have to talk myself down a lot, but I'm committed to making things work here. Cuz I like him. 

5. I Can Change is still something I'm working on. I'm planning on working this into my weekend of nothing. Launching the social page. 

6. Work is work and it's going great, but still just, yeah. Work. 

I've not been keeping up with blogs, which I plan to do now. What have I missed? 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Trump.

This week has been a disaster for the world. I know that this is not the platform to mouth off about Trump, because we are not united here for that reason. But, I don't think one can understate why this is the biggest political disaster in the history of the world since World War II. And I hope that everyone really understands this. 

There is an insult to everything that the truly great American leaders have built, the men and women (I include women here, because the wives of the American presidents have been just as influential in global consciousness as their husbands have been and this to me is significant) that have inhabited that great White House in DC. To think that the Obama's are moving out and the Trumps are moving in is unthinkable. Insulting. 

To think that woman will be taking over from a legacy of strong, beautiful, powerful, INTELLIGENT women is unspeakable. To think that she will take over from Hilary Clinton, Michelle Obama, Nancy Reagan, Eleanor Roosevelt... It is an insult. To think that a trophy wife will now be the most powerful woman in the country, that they will teach young Americans to look for a superficial relationship rather than one built on a true and equal partnership, to teach young men that you only need a pretty girl by your side, rather than a gutsy female who will support you. To teach young girls that it is better to look good and shut your mouth, rather than to run for president... it makes me sad. 

I am not American, yet I take this presidential election very personally. I take it personally, because it tells me that the ideologies which I fight for and which I stand up for every single day of my life - being called the feminist and being the one who is weird for refusing to accept harassment and will continue to argue when I get called sweetie at work - to think that the majority are not on my side. It breaks my heart. 

I will not accept Donald Trump as a world leader. I will fight with all my heart as much as I can to speak out in my personal capacity about what he misrepresents and why no one should ever aspire to his ideology. I may not have any influence, but I want to show everyone around me that I do not accept this and maybe if I do not, it will give them the courage to also not accept sexual assault as an institutionalised ideology. To accept that racism and xenophobia is NOT okay. That climate change is a real thing and waiting another four years to advance this as a REAL world challenge cannot happen. To not let what we are doing in the middle east to promote human rights and democracy fall by the wayside. 

If America stops fighting, we as the rest of the world need to double our efforts to make sure that the progress is not lost, to make sure that we do not lose momentum, to make sure that the lower rungs of our institutionalised class system are not forgotten and to make sure that all of our friends over in the United States know that we are there for them and that we will not accept what is about to happen to their country. 

Any of my friends from the US who need to talk or rant or cry. Anyone who feels marginalised, discriminated against or even just a little scared. Reach out to me, I am here for you. 

I won't take this standing down. We don't need to agonise, we need to organise. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Spoons, Monday.

When I was in Morocco, I got an email from the old lady that I rehomed our family cat with. She couldn't keep him saying he was too much of a hassle. Yesterday, we went to collect him - I have never in my life felt so much guilt. The cat was emaciated - my instinct about her being too old to look after the cat turned out to be entirely founded. He is painfully, painfully thin. I cried. A lot. So after we fetched him, we took him to his new home which is in Redhill with a lovely lady and her 18 year old son, two grand children. I think he will be happy there. I hope. I will go check in on him, soon. 

I ran out of spoons really early in the day (spoons being a finite number of emotional spoons that you get in one day and if you give those spoons away to various things, you run out of them) - and on top of which I was on two hours of sleep with a MAMMOTH hangover. 

I've been eating like crap all weekend, so need to have a very light day today and will weigh tomorrow. 

I am still exhausted and emotionally in turmoil over this weekend, it was made slightly better by the presence of a certain person who I have purposefully not mentioned yet, because yes - I know I talk about boys a lot. 

This one is a little bit special, I have no reservations about him as a person. He is however away a lot, I'm not sure at this stage if we can make it work - we also haven't um... *cough* yet, so that could be a dealbreaker. Anyway, he gets back from climbing in the US next week (been away for a week, I was away before that, he was away before that so haven't seen him since the 13th - isn't that weird... anyway, I'm excited about it. I'll tell you guys more when there's more to tell. But it's been ongoing since I was in New York. 

I am changing my hair this week and I'm super duper excited. For those who follow me on Instagram @keranberan - you will know my hair is currently platinum blonde and a weird grown out bob cut, I'm going ombré (so i can stop dying it, because if I keep on doing root bleaches my hair will be gone by the time in 50) and then going to cut it all off again. 

A haircut is as good as a holiday. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

The Patriarchy Will Fall

News, news, news. There isn't much to be fair. I'm down to 64.1kg - that's excellent news. As I mentioned, I felt so damn fat in Morocco, it's amazing what a couple days of restricting can do. So I'm a few weeks, I can definitely be down to sub-62. It's a never-ending cycle I know. I want to be sub-60, but let's see. Not obsessing. Chilling and not starving. Been aiming for around 1000 cals a day. 

There isn't really much else going on right now, nothing of significance. The old lady who took my family cat, Mau has decided he's too much work for her so wants to give him back. She's an asshole, but the silver lining is that at least she's contacted me first. But now, I'm not sure if she's changed her mind or died - she's stopped replying to messages about me fetching him. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't seem to understand that he needs to be played with or yes, he will be destructive - cats aren't ornamental. Well, my cats are - he's not. 

This situation has kicked up a whole family argument, because none of my family are even bothering to help me beyond trying to find a shelter for him - I'm sorry, but my cat is NOT going to a shelter. So that's stressful. 

Work is also hella stressful, but it's all chilled. 

There is a beautiful 22 year old American who I met in Morocco, who is all up in this, but he's way too young. It's a nice distraction, but it literally is like a generational difference - very young and naive. 

I'm meant to be having dinner tomorrow with some guy I met in New York, who is visiting London. He thought I worked in the fashion industry though and obviously is a perpetuator of the patriarchy, if those are the kinds of girls he's into (please note - I don't care if you're into the reinforcement of the patriarchy, I don't go on dates with these types) - so I might cancel. 

On the patriarchy note, I have decided that I need to detox my life from all of the things that reinforce this. One of these things is to stop concerning myself with what I wear - looking pretty and feminine. I'll do butch as much as I damn please. I've also decided to stop watching vapid celebrity reality tv - Kanye West's wife is who I mean. No more philosophical oppression from America and holiday. I'm sure most of you don't really get what I mean here, but understand that our society is built on patriarchal expectation and how this affects our identity as women. It's a whole thing. And I really believe it. I don't entirely live my life without a patriarchal influence, but I want to be as aware of this as I can be. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! 

London has gotten a bit cold and winter is on it's way. I love this time of year as the city gears up for Christmas... for those who haven't been here, Christmas time is magical in London. I can't wait. (But then the gloom and doom of January/February sets in and the cheer goes tits up.) 

Cats & Happiness 

Xo Xo

The Patriarchy Will Fall

News, news, news. There isn't much to be fair. I'm down to 64.1kg - that's excellent news. As I mentioned, I felt so damn fat in Morocco, it's amazing what a couple days of restricting can do. So I'm a few weeks, I can definitely be down to sub-62. It's a never-ending cycle I know. I want to be sub-60, but let's see. Not obsessing. Chilling and not starving. Been aiming for around 1000 cals a day. 

There isn't really much else going on right now, nothing of significance. The old lady who took my family cat, Mau has decided he's too much work for her so wants to give him back. She's an asshole, but the silver lining is that at least she's contacted me first. But now, I'm not sure if she's changed her mind or died - she's stopped replying to messages about me fetching him. I'm not sure what to do. She doesn't seem to understand that he needs to be played with or yes, he will be destructive - cats aren't ornamental. Well, my cats are - he's not. 

This situation has kicked up a whole family argument, because none of my family are even bothering to help me beyond trying to find a shelter for him - I'm sorry, but my cat is NOT going to a shelter. So that's stressful. 

Work is also hella stressful, but it's all chilled. 

There is a beautiful 22 year old American who I met in Morocco, who is all up in this, but he's way too young. It's a nice distraction, but it literally is like a generational difference - very young and naive. 

I'm meant to be having dinner tomorrow with some guy I met in New York, who is visiting London. He thought I worked in the fashion industry though and obviously is a perpetuator of the patriarchy, if those are the kinds of girls he's into (please note - I don't care if you're into the reinforcement of the patriarchy, I don't go on dates with these types) - so I might cancel. 

On the patriarchy note, I have decided that I need to detox my life from all of the things that reinforce this. One of these things is to stop concerning myself with what I wear - looking pretty and feminine. I'll do butch as much as I damn please. I've also decided to stop watching vapid celebrity reality tv - Kanye West's wife is who I mean. No more philosophical oppression from America and holiday. I'm sure most of you don't really get what I mean here, but understand that our society is built on patriarchal expectation and how this affects our identity as women. It's a whole thing. And I really believe it. I don't entirely live my life without a patriarchal influence, but I want to be as aware of this as I can be. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! 

London has gotten a bit cold and winter is on it's way. I love this time of year as the city gears up for Christmas... for those who haven't been here, Christmas time is magical in London. I can't wait. (But then the gloom and doom of January/February sets in and the cheer goes tits up.) 

Cats & Happiness 

Xo Xo

Morocco

I just got back from Marrakesh, Morocco - well, I got back yesterday. What an AMAZING place, if you are keen to get over there, I would strongly encourage it. I stayed in a Riad, which is a house that is centred around a courtyard, this is a typical style of house in Marrakesh. What you should be picturing right now is Agraba, i.e. Aladdin. 

I did however have a relatively calm time there for a couple of different reasons - the first is that I was pretty much stoned the entire time that I was there. Hash is cheap and very readily available - I didn't buy any, but the guys that were hanging around in the hostel Riad had it, so I naturally gravitated towards this. 

The second reason is because I felt fat and bloated the entire time that I was there. I got my period for the first time in months - my body typically will bring flow to visit just as I am about to go away, thanks Piggy. This also meant that I shied away from all of the partying and boys, because I felt like a mammoth cow. There were a couple of 22 year olds who were hitting on me, but I refrained. 

I have also decided that I need to change my life a bit, I need to refocus on the things that are important and get rid of the deadweight. This is going to be in practice a few friends, and in theory this will also be my own obsessions with clothing, celebrity gossip and general superficial and materialistic pursuits. I am going to start a volunteering curation point, where people will be able to go to find out information on topical human rights issues and where they can tangibly go to find volunteering opportunities. I will write more on this later, because I am still figuring this out. It won't be an entrepreneurial pursuit, but a striving to be a better person pursuit. 

I was overwhelmed when I came home from Morocco, the people that I had met and just generally the fun that I had was immense. I need to find out a way of working from home so that I can travel around the world. Surely there must be a way of doing this... surely. 

Anyway, follow me on instagram to see pics and to see how fat I am. I suspect my weight is around 65kg - I'm going to weigh myself tomorrow so will be able to gauge how bad it is then. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo

Pain Au Fuck-You

Yesterday, a colleague (awesome Irish chica) was telling me all about this secret blog she wants to start to document her shit - I obviously told her about this blog and kinda all about it - I mean, it's been five years now? I probably have gone completely off piste at times talking about way more than just the eating disorder stuff that I started this blog for, although. It has been a constant for me in a lot of ways. The eating disorder. 

I went out with a friend last night - not someone I know very well though and we got onto the eating disorder piece. It's difficult to explain to people who don't understand, especially if you use the word functional alongside it. He seemed to think that the obsessiveness of calorie counting could never be functional. To me, comments like that just ignore how normal that kind of behaviour is for people like us - ingrained. And honestly, I don't think it's quite as time consuming as the way that obsessive gym freaks and nutrition nazis do it. 

One of the things weirdly that came up twice yesterday from two different people, this friend of mine being one, is pastries. I have never eaten a Cinnabon, a cinnamon roll, a danish, a pain au chocolate, a pain au anything for that matter. The most I've ever had is a croissant (which I love). And I don't have any intention of ever eating pastries. It's a scary food for me, as is cake. And I'd prefer to rather stay away from it than develop a taste for it and then want it. I dunno, scary foods... I know I'm not the only one with these things... 

Anyway, in a long roundabout way. Everyone who reads this is awesome and I've known some of you from the very beginning and you're fucking awesome. You know who you are... 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Ketosis My Life

Yes, yes, yes. I haven't blogged in like three weeks - I am SORRY! Mostly, this is because September was a crazy, busy month which damn nearly killed me. I had another conference to run in London and as a result I was absolutely dead. Also, being very broke after New York (read: fat), I just went into hiding. 

Well, I didn't exactly hide. I went glamping for a friends ten year wedding anniversary, and besides the actual glamping being a fucking winner, it also made me realise whilst watching all of my coupled friends, that I have some serious work to do on learning to compromise before I will ever be able to be in a long term relationship and as a bottom line - I am just a shit girlfriend to people. Anyway, so after my bad decisions in New York and this new found revelation after glamping, I've decided not to sleep around anymore and work on becoming a better partner for someone. (Not that I live my life for any man, but no man is an island after all.) 

Anyway, so I ended things officially in person with the Italian, I'm not gonna use him anymore when he actually likes me. It's not fair to his poor simple soul. He's a good man. I'm also still in the process of sorting my masters out for next January, so that is also ongoing. 

I guess the only thing worth mentioning otherwise is that I've been fat since New York - there was food weight one day of over 67kg - disgusting. It is crazy how easy it is to let things slip. Anyway, that is under control now. And I'm back down to 64.4kg. I'm off to Morocco in about ten days for a week, so I'd like to be back in the 62s by the time I leave. So if I can get sub-64 by Monday, then next week is just 2kgs to get down. 

Question to the ED community - do you find that when you restrict, it takes about two weeks and then you just start to get into the groove, weight comes off small but consistently and your body adjusts to the calories and food types? I wonder if this is some form of ketosis. I read somewhere that if you have less than 1000 calories a day, your body goes into ketosis. But I'm not sure if that's a real thing. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Hello, Have You Planked Today?

As I mentioned, I'm doing a plank challenge. I want to start working out more, like tone all this flab up and before I'm going to do that I want to do some simple at home challenges to prove to myself that I have some form of willpower before I do that. I want to actually start "lifting" - like I don't want to form any kind of bulk, but I wouldn't mind a bit of firmness - especially as next year, I am 30. Apparently, shit starts to drop at this time. Anyway, so I'm gonna do 28 days of planking - which I did  last week, but then with travelling, I skipped two days. So this morning, I started over. 

When I've completed this, I wanna do a plank and squat challenge. My logic is that I only have to give up like 3 minutes of my life a day to do this, so excuses of not having time are just not going to work. BUT before that, it's time to plank. 

I started this morning with a 60 second plank. Have you planked today? 

Weight this morning was 62.4kg. I had probably about 1300 calories yesterday. I'm not starving myself, gentle restriction - mostly cuz I want this to stick. But I do want to get down to 59 - 60kg. Whatever? Don't care. Has anyone seen the night manager? The series with Tom Hiddleston and Hugh Laurie? Well, there is a character in that series called Jed (Elizabeth Debicki) - she is perfection and I want to be her. She is super tall and thin - not sticklike mind you. Anyway, I want to look long and lanky like her and I just don't at this weight. I'm still within my healthy BMI at 58, so I think I'll be fine in this range. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

NYC, Not For Me

Unlike most of the entire world's tourist population, I decided that I do not like New York City. I got back on Sunday morning and it couldn't have been soon enough. I don't think I could have lasted another second longer in that city. 

There are some actual problems that I have with the city - one for example was the overwhelming heat while we were there. It was 30C plus and sweltering. The heat was stifling and it was inescapable - the buildings and never ending Tarmac of the city streets meant that the heat was trapped inside the city streets, rotting the garbage and melting the local population. The only place more unbearable because of this heat was the subway. The trains mind you - by comparison to the London Underground - are spacious and cool (air conditioned), but the tunnels of the subway, the platforms and waiting areas are hotter than Satan's own boudoir. I was a puddle of sweat by the time that I actually got on the trains. I can't say there is anything cute or chic about whisking one's way around the city in that heat. I entirely acknowledge that maybe my perception of the city was entirely skewed by this one factor. 

One positive though was that walking around the city was like walking around some of my favourite movie and television series. Godzilla, eat your heart out. 

The other thing is the never ending monotony of the buildings and grid-formation streets. Now, I'm sure any New Yorker reading this will say that there is nothing boring or monotonous about New York, that I didn't understand it - that I just can't handle a big city - maybe that is true. I found the buildings to be absolutely stifling with the heat. Being that there is no sunshine to ever hit the streets, because of the never ending high rise buildings. In addition, it feels like you are constantly being looked over, with enormous skyscrapers on either side of you. Block after block, never ending. Another street crossing, another garbage filled corner, another homeless person asking for a buck, another big brother over your shoulder. 

Now, my next problem speaks to my former, but it is probably the single biggest problem that I have with NYC and we can if you will, label it as philosophical. New York is a lie. New York is fake. Not the people mind you, they are probably more real than any other I've ever met. The lie is what New York is and more specifically what it represents. The city, being the culmination of American society, the pinnacle of hard work and self determination, of grit and glory, a city where if you work hard you can achieve the ever elusive American Dream, because as they say - if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. This couldn't be more of a lie. Everything about the city is made to oppress. Everything on Manhattan is extortionately priced, from the food, drink, accommodation, transport. The privileged white kids in their suits flock around Wall Street, the kids who would have a kushy middle class life no matter where they are. The minority populations work behind the store counters serving pizza slices in hot pizzerias. Oppressed by minimum wage working conditions - when is America allowed to be held accountable for not supporting those who work hard and who want to better their lives? When does it become a societal responsibility to actually help support your working class and give them a hand in reaching this elusive dream? 

Does any of this make sense? 

I think if one summed this up in any kind of way... The American Dream is a set of ideals and morals perpetuated onto this society saying that with hard work you can achieve your goals. But America gives absolutely no support to its own to reach these goals. Much the same as religious ideology is used to appease the populations they serve by providing a moral bottom line to their own suffering, the American Dream provides a societal appeasement saying that if you can't reach your own aspirations and dreams, then it is due to your own mismanagement and lack of hard work and dedication. Let me also add here... Americans work at least twice as hard as Europeans. We are lazy fuckers by comparison. New York to me is a nutshell example of why the American Dream is bullshit and why America is failing it's own people. 

In a very protracted and meandering way, this is why I don't like New York. 

What I did like about it was the food though - I'm surprised I only put on 1lb while I was there, because it was a non stop eating fest while I was there, but I guess I did walk a shiton. I have decided I want to get down to 58kg again. Whatever, I don't care. I want it. 

I have also decided it is time for me to do my masters. More on this to follow. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Fat In New York & Plank Challenge

Hello from Times Square, New York. I'm here this week for work and am staying less than a block from Times Square. I ate a ton on Monday and marginally less yesterday, but still too much. I did tell till dinner and then went ape on some pizza and a bunch of wine to boot. 

I feel bloated and gross. Probably as much the alcohol as the booze. 

Today, I had a regular conference lunch which wasn't too bad - I mean, there was a cookie and some pasta. For dinner, I had a bunch of plain chicken, fish and a kale smoothie. I should be less bloated tomorrow, but it's doubtful. 

My legs are dead from running around all day, but I bossed my shit and proved to my boss and CMO why they hired me. #BossBitch 

I am also doing a 28 day plank challenge, who's keen? I'm on day 3 now, join me!

Sorry this is brief, I feel so gross and fat. Double chins and greasy. American food is overwhelming. 

Oh also, sidenote - I dumped the Italian when drunk last week. He didn't get it, but it's been officially called as a fling with no potential. I'm talking to Tyler again also... Tyler being the American from Paris that I was meant to marry. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

*Warning* This Is Gross

Kinda not that gross, because it isn't explicit, but it is gross, because it has to do with laxatives. For the past week, I've been eating a bit... badly. Basically, what happens when you get down to a good weight and things start to slide a little is what happened. I was hungover on Thursday, so I ate badly and then again last night. I was feeling so disgusting and bloated that I decided to start afresh and take a couple laxatives. 

SO, I took these at about 8 this morning, they usually take about 4 hours to work and I knew that I needed to meet my sister at 2pm, but I figured it would be fine. They worked the way that they needed to minus the insane cramps, cold sweats, dizziness and shaking that normally accompanies them, but I thought that it was just my body having done this before, so it would be fine. 

I left home just after 1 to meet her on time and took the tube, where I needed to change at Green Park - I got off the tube at Green Park and my stomach started to cramp - the kind of cramp that you know that those laxies are now kicking in and you've got a minute to find a bathroom - I panicked. Not only was I in a tube station, which DO NOT have bathrooms, there is nothing around Green Park - no pubs, or cafes, it's just a park which doesn't have any bathrooms. I started having a panic attack - there was no way I was ever going to shit myself. This is not something that happens to me. 

Luckily, I ran up to a member of staff who quickly whisked me off to a loo and the crisis was averted. After twenty minutes of feeling like I was going to die camped out in this really gross bathroom, I was able to make my way. 

I WAS TERRIFIED. I never want that to happen again - I mean faced with the humiliation of that nearly happening, my-oh-my I was petrified and even now, I feel a bit traumatised by it. 

I'm not in bed, my stomach still doesn't feel right and I feel like I might never leave. 

New York on Monday though. Time to man up. 

Peace & Love

Xo Xo

Status: Porpoise

So my scale is DEFINITELY broken, I weighed at 62.2kg, but honestly I look like a cow. Like I look pregnant, not even joking. Like one of those malnourished African kids with skinny limbs and a big belly. I don't FEEL bloated though even though Mother Nature has kindly delivered my period (thanks, bitch). I don't get it. But nevertheless, there is literally no chance on this earth that I could weigh that, defo a busted scale - and Belle re: your comment, I think I just treat my scales badly. I kick them and move them a lot, drop things on them. I think that's probably why. (Scale abuse?) 

I didn't really eat skinny yesterday either - I had my lunch pasta and more of that for dinner and a beer. With the Italian. We had another mini fight, but fuck it. I'm not gonna lie dudes, I really do like him. He has this look when he's thinking about something, like he's a million miles away and his eyes are just so still. 

I'm still a bit jumpy around him, like waiting for him to see my flaws and run a mile. Whether that's my body or myself the way I am. I'm trying to relax. He was being irritating yesterday and I walked out of his flat - yes I know, real mature Piggy. Anyway, I walked out and got straight on a bus. He literally followed me across Clapham and begged me not to go. I felt like such an ass and he made me promise not to walk away from him again. I feel like such an ass. I couldn't believe he followed me, I was really glad that he did. *why am I so stubborn* 

Something else dreadful happened yesterday, but I won't go into detail... Nothing I write here could ever do justice to this amazing person. All I will say, RIP beautiful moonchild, Mikki. My heart is broken. 

Love & Sadness

Xo Xo 

Dramatic Monday's. Period.

So my scale is DEFINITELY broken, I weighed at 62.2kg, but honestly I look like a cow. Like I look pregnant, not even joking. Like one of those malnourished African kids with skinny limbs and a big belly. I don't FEEL bloated though even though Mother Nature has kindly delivered my period (thanks, bitch). I don't get it. But nevertheless, there is literally no chance on this earth that I could weigh that, defo a busted scale - and Belle re: your comment, I think I just treat my scales badly. I kick them and move them a lot, drop things on them. I think that's probably why. (Scale abuse?) 

I didn't really eat skinny yesterday either - I had my lunch pasta and more of that for dinner and a beer. With the Italian. We had another mini fight, but fuck it. I'm not gonna lie dudes, I really do like him. He has this look when he's thinking about something, like he's a million miles away and his eyes are just so still. 

I'm still a bit jumpy around him, like waiting for him to see my flaws and run a mile. Whether that's my body or myself the way I am. I'm trying to relax. He was being irritating yesterday and I walked out of his flat - yes I know, real mature Piggy. Anyway, I walked out and got straight on a bus. He literally followed me across Clapham and begged me not to go. I felt like such an ass and he made me promise not to walk away from him again. I feel like such an ass. I couldn't believe he followed me, I was really glad that he did. *why am I so stubborn* 

Something else dreadful happened yesterday, but I won't go into detail... Nothing I write here could ever do justice to this amazing person. All I will say, RIP beautiful moonchild, Mikki. My heart is broken. 

Love & Sadness

Xo Xo 

Another Scale Bites The Dust (ANOTHER!!)

I got home from Egypt yesterday morning after two very miserable days of a terrible migraine which left me in bed feeling sorry for myself and alone with no wifi, no tv and no distraction. This migraine was next level and I wasn't able to sit up without an intense throbbing  which on a regular pain scale was an easy 10. Anyway, so I got in yesterday morning with no sleep, I tried to soldier on, wanting a good nights rest rather than a few broken naps. I still have a bit of the migraine left, but it's almost manageable now. 

By 8pm, I put on the McGregor vs Diaz fight (UFC 202) (legendary fight) - and caved in to the cravings, and had a serious pasta, Doritos, milkshake binge. 

This morning, I knew I had to face the music i.e. The scale and see how far I've slipped, expecting a solid 65kg+. Yet, even after the binge, the scale read 62.8kg. I kinda blinked at it for a minute and picked up my cat, Gremlin to check if the scale was broken. I weighed him, a solid 4.5kg - perfect weight for my little furball, put him down and tried again, 62.9kg. Which is the precise weight that I was before Egypt. 

I'm convinced it is now broken (the 0.1kg fluctuation as my evidence) - I am going to see what it is tomorrow and if it's not more realistic, I'll have to get a second one. Can't be having a scale that lies.

I'm actually not too tired, but my back is still sore from the safari on Thursday last week.

I was meant to see the Italian last night, but I was just destroyed, so he had a major strop with me about this. And now at least I know his fighting style - emotional blackmail. "If you really liked me then..." and "I thought you were different, but obviously you're not..." So essentially, I put him straight and told him that if that's how he's going to try and be with me then he won't ever hear from me again, I don't play those games. He backed down very quickly. Little fucker. It was amusing. 

Anyway, happy Monday y'all. 

Instagram name has now changed to keranberan (some holiday pics are up there)! 

Last week of August, can you believe it? 

Peace & Love from my favourite of favourites, smokey London 

Xo Xo 

Impossible Skinny Eating In Egypt

Bear with me, as I wrote this yesterday and then the Internet died a spectacular death. 

I have come to the realisation that there is no such thing as eating skinny in Egypt for three reasons: 

1. (This is a fairly obvious one) Being in the middle of the desert means practically no fruit and vegetables - the only ones that seem in regular supply are cucumber, tomato, lettuce, some kind of marrow/squash and melon. 

2. The staple diet because of the above is bread, rice, pasta (macarona? I know, this surprised me too), sugar and more bread.

3. When you are the centre of attention you get offered a lot of food and you can't turn it down, so you graciously accept and eat it. I get offered a LOT of food. 

Today, I went on a day long boat trip which involved snorkelling and a stop of this island. I went to say hi to my Egyptian family and as fate would have it, they were all coming on the same boat trip. So we boated all day - it was nice, but exhausting. There was no such thing as me doing my own thing and endless (and I mean endless) pictures being taken. The photographer on the boat was getting awful handsy at one point. Little brother, Ahmed got really upset and told him off, and then told his mother who told the photographer "no touch". It was honestly the sweetest thing. I have resolved to go visit them in Cairo as soon as I can and to take my big sister with me. I think she will hate the culture, because she is a no BS kind of person and doesn't take well to people hassling her. But I told her already that she needs to shut up and bear it, because it will only cause trouble if she doesn't. I LOVE EGYPT! More than Egypt, I love Egyptians. 

This island we stopped at was like being in the middle of a barren desert - there was literally jackshit on this whole island. I mean - jackshit. There is an army house and a couple of "umbrellas" made of palm fronds, but that's it. It was about 1pm when we got there and I went straight to the little umbrella place, because this lily white skin is not made for that kind of sun. The family thought I was sad and it was all I could do to try to explain to them that I would get sunburnt, they didn't understand at all. So we settled on it being too hot for me. They laughed. 

The boat was all Egyptian, I was the only Westerner. None of them used any sunblock - at all. Some of the younger ones got a bit sunburnt and were generally not happy by the end of the day. It's so unheard of. I mean, we don't even leave the house in grey old London without at least and SPF15. 

The lunch was actually pretty kickass, they made rice, pasta, kofta, fried fish, salad (with the creamiest yummiest cheese in it), potatoes and some other bits that I didn't have. I only had the salad, fish, kofta and potatoes. And there were also litres of fat Pepsi going - my heart. I love the culture of food here, everyone just tucks in, no ceremony, just family and sharing. You eat from each other's plates, take a bite and pass on, swop things on each other's plates. Honestly, this is what food should be... Without the carbs. 😂

Right at the end of the trip, they were playing super jazzy Egyptian music, which I am IN LOVE with and everyone was dancing. More accurately they were trying to make me dance and as we know, white people can't dance, except if we are drunk and think we are the reincarnation of Freddie Mercury. They thought I was hilarious, personally I am convinced I looked like a drunk noodle. Again, they filmed me acting like a drunk noodle. 

Tomorrow, I would love to have a day of tanning by the pool as I'm pretty beat from the trip today and on Thursday, I have a desert safari. I really want to go to the beach, but am pretty petrified of being swamped again by this photo story. Honestly, I must be the most photographed tourist in Hurghada at the moment. It's intense. Even today on the boat and on the beach, random people asking for pictures and I don't really know how I am supposed to say no... That aside, I'm gonna put some pics on my Instagram of my adopted family and general stuff. Defo follow me if you haven't. keranboyd is the username! :) 

I really REALLY hope that I don't put on too much while I'm here. It definitely will be 2kgs at least. And then the battle to get below 62 will continue. I am going to skip dinner I think and just sip some Diet Pepsi and download my day into my journal before I forget. Well, my other journal. This is one of them. 

Love & Sunshine from Hurghada 

Xo Xo 

From Hurghada With Love

I arrived safely, thank you for the thought! <3 

It's going to be so difficult to sum up what's been happening in the last two days here, but let me start with the man situation - unlike the Emirates, most of these men are pretty respectful, as in when you tell them no, they take this as a no and leave you alone. I haven't and will not touch any alcohol here, because I think perhaps that once things get loose with liquor, that might change. 

It is however completely impossible for me to walk anywhere with any kind of pace because every single person on the street will try to stop me. How are you? Where are you from? Excuse me, excuse me? Are you Russian? Can I look at your tattoos? For the most part, it is very friendly and I think they just want to have a chat... Or more likely to get me into their store to buy something. It is very sweet, but kinda annoying. I can understand though that they might not see something like me everyday. And it's friendly. So I'm pleased about that. 

Yesterday, I went to the beach and got mobbed by people wanting to take a picture with me. Pulling on my arms in every direction, completely oblivious of other people pulling me. It was about thirty people trying to get a picture. I asked my scuba buddy, Sadam Hussein why and he said that its unusual for them to see blonde hair and tattoos, so for them it's nice to have a photo. I mean, I'm happy to oblige, I just find it strange. And particularly as I really do enjoy the English way of being left alone, it's strange to me. 

I met a lovely, very large Egyptian family and hung out with them yesterday. There must have been about twenty family members across three generations and I had dinner with them. To say that I find how they are a bit strange would be an understatement, but only because it's not familiar. They insisted that I sit down all the time and that I drink and eat everything they gave me. So I did, it was very kind. 

My observation is that Egyptians love a good sugary treat. I discovered hibiscus tea which is OUT OF THIS WORLD, but with a ton of sugar in it. I ordered it and assumed they'd ask if I wanted sugar, they didn't. I don't really think I've had too much in the way of calories each day, but all the fucking sugar it's hard to tell. 

My Cairo family kept shoving cakes into my face and if I tried to say no, they'd say "please" and so of course, I had it. 

I'm not the biggest fan of the food here, except the flatbreads and yoghurt stuff - like omg. But the hot food is quite bitter, particularly this brown dish which is served with everything, it's beans and some other indecipherable stuff. Tons of potatoes. Apparently it is really difficult to get hold of fruit and vegetables here because surprise, desert. So they eat a lot of starch basically, which would also explain why most of the Egyptians I've seen are a little chub. Not huge, but a bit larger than normal. 

The biggest surprise has been the Islam factor - it isn't regimented or strict, but everyone just kinda does their vibe. When you read those articles about Islam being oppressive, I feel like that couldn't be further from the truth regarding Egyptian women specifically. The children don't wear headscarves, but the older women do. Some choose to wear the full hijab, but that's an exception to the rule. The women swim in modest bathing suits, but aren't completely submissive to their men. Their wives are respected and it's beautiful in the dynamic. The wives seem to have the role of family matriarch, looking after the kids, but the fathers do help out. The fathers of my Cairo family kept very proudly telling me about their children, how old they are, how smart they are. I think I had a very wrong idea of what it would be like. And certainly very different from my impression of Emirates - which I would describe in hindsight as more of a baller culture. 

Most of all, they don't care about me or the way I look and dress. It is very welcoming and very accepting. It's kinda like... You do you and I'll do me. 

So in a nutshell that's my impression thus far of Egypt. To any Egyptians reading, you guys are super awesome and sorry for sounding like an ignorant westerner. 

I wish I had a scale and some fruit, but otherwise I'm happy as a clam here. I also wish I didn't have a persistent headache, I suspect it is the heat. 

Peace & Love from Egypt 

Xo Xo 

Smashing Goals & Being Fearless

I finally fucking cracked 62! This morning - despite having still had about 1400 calories yesterday - I weighed in at 62.9kg. So I made it but just barely. 

Coming to you from Heathrow Terminal 2, I am about to pop a Valium as I board this flight to Istanbul. My dearest blogger-world friends, please say a little prayer for me to your respective gods - I am terrified of this flight, of the stop over in Istanbul and of this trip generally. I will cut a bitch if they try to harass me, but I'm pretty confident that I can make some friends and stay safe. 

You might ask yourself, why is Piggy flying to a remote part of an Arab country by herself? The answer is because I'm a fucking idiot. For those westerners reading this - I do not have a problem with Arab countries, but my point in mentioning this is that my experience has been getting mercilessly harassed and what I would call sexually assaulted - felt up in the most crude way possible with zero fucks given on the part of these men. In this situation, as a woman by yourself in a strange country that doesn't speak English, all you can do is hope that you'll get out of the situation as soon as possible and you have to just move on. I am a tall, very pale blonde female by myself. An easy target. BUT this time, I've dressed like a bit of a hobo and have a headscarf to cover my hair. So I'm hoping that this will help not draw attention to myself, I've booked a cab on the other side and am going straight to the hotel... Which as it turns out is a resort with loads of diving - SO if it is properly dodgy (not dangerous dodgy, cuz I'm African. I got this) as far as harassy men then I won't have to leave. I arrive at 3.15am local time. *facepalm* 

You might now ask why I'd go knowing that I might run into trouble - BECAUSE FUCK THE PATRIARCHY! I won't let other people ruin my adventures. I refuse to be scared and so I will do the best I can and try to be fearless. *idiot* 

Anyway, so I've probably already had my days allowance of calories consisting of almond butter, coffee, fruit, smoothies and yoghurt. So it's all clean whole food, but still. The plan is to not drink on the flight since I need to have my wits about me and to eat only the part of the food that doesn't have carbs in it. I've worked hard to be ready for a bikini on the trip, so I need to not fuck it up now. 

I can do this. 

Say a prayer for me beautiful friends, I'm now boarding my flight. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

The Patriarchy Strikes Back

I have not been as good this week as I could have been. I'm still hovering in the 63's. This morning was 63.2 - SO FUCKING CLOSE! I know why though, I've been having about 1200/1300 calories a day, which obviously means "sustainable loss" - slower (albeit allegedly healthier loss). 

I am however taking a silver lining from this: I am learning to maintain. I've been on this weight now for about a month, so even if I'm only losing very slowly, I'm not binging AND I'm not gaining. 

I'm so fucking stoked that I go on holiday tomorrow, I need a break. I'm going to use the time to work on myself and try to shift this last bit of weight. I am not coming home fat. My plan is to eat breakfast (cuz it's included in my hotel) and then skip lunch and have a small dinner (cuz I do want to try some local cuisine). 

If you hear of a plane that went down on its way to Egypt around 3am on Sunday morning, say a little non-secular prayer for me. I have Valium because I am absolutely petrified of flying - not least of which the route I'm going. *it'll be fine Piggy, it'll be fine* 

I hope I can catch a tan while I'm there and hopefully meet some nice new people. This week has been fairly uneventful, the Italian has been just lovely. Super affectionate (via text only, because I told him I was busy this week which is only half true) and not overbearing. I think I agree with you guys, not all of these things are forever, so I'm just gonna have fun, because he's a nice boy. And he's so fucking hot. 

Also, WHY DID I EVER STOP LISTENING TO THE KILLERS!? Sam's Town is honestly one of the best albums ever made. 

I've decided to cut off one of my friends. She is vapid and idiotic, and is incapable of talking about anything other than her boyfriend or ex-boyfriend... Or makeup, or something of equal shallowness. I have always prided myself on being a strong woman, who doesn't flap around men and who doesn't need to have men in my life. I try to always learn new things and have new experiences. Men are, of course, one piece of the puzzle - but agonising over him sending you a text and "what does it meaaaaaan", get a life. I tried to discuss what to call a character in my new book and she could talk about that for about five minutes before it devolved into more useless chat about her boyfriend. She can be oppressed by the patriarchy, I refuse to be. And her oppression is oppressing me. Fuck. The. Patriarchy. You know what I mean? She has no interests beyond drinking and her boyfriend. She never travels or tries new things. She can't do anything beyond go to the pub and flap about other people. ITS PATHETIC. I can't anymore. Fuck the patriarchy. To her credit, she is totally ride or die. She's the kind of person that would help you hide a dead body with no further questioning than "where's the shovel?" Despite this however, I can't spend so much of my life being wrapped up by her crap. I think she's only that available to other people because that's all she has to contribute. 

Fuck the patriarchy. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Piggy's Fools Errand

Plans, plans, plans...

That's all I can think about at the moment is life plans. I have an idea for an online business that I want to try and start doing. I won't go into specifics about what it is, but it will hopefully allow me to do two things that I really want to do: 

1. Save cats (well animals, generally. But starting with cats!)

2. #VanLife around Europe or wherever for a few summers. It won't be next year, but maybe the year after, etc. 

Which brings me to my second plan - I've said that once I get my British citizenship, I'm going to live in Singapore for two years - I looked into it and legitimately, I could do that. Even if my business idea falls completely flat, I'd be able to do my current job elsewhere, such as Singapore at a high enough level that I could get a work visa. Which is brilliant. 

Which brings me to my third plan - holidays for the rest of the year. I'm planning a holiday doing camel trekking in Morocco for a week in October and a week in Italy doing Rome, Venice and Naples. *all the pizza* 

And lastly, my fourth point is that I got an email yesterday from a tattoo studio that I've been trying to get an appointment with for years and the artist wants to book in my tattoo - which is going to be my whole leg (think a leg sleeve) starting with marine vibes on the bottom (turtles, coral, nemo's and dory's) moving into skulls and crows at the top. Her name is Lianne Moule - you should check her out, she's fucking nuts. In a good awesome way. So I need to book an appointment with her today and then will go for a consult. 

All of this does mean I will be very poor for the next few months (YEARS!), but YOLO. 

In pursuit of my business idea, I'm going to go on a Wordpress/website building course next month after holiday and work travels. 

This morning, I weighed in at 63.9kg (yaaaaaassssss, Piggy! Yaaaassssss!) - which means there is a possibility that by the time I fly out on Saturday, I'll finally be in the 62's! *yaaaaaaasssssss* 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Goddamn Hunter's Chicken

That I will on time for work today is a fucking miracle. Like - a miracle. Last night, my little sister came round to mine for dinner and we talked - just the two of us and honestly, we have never ever done that. It was nice... Or at least I thought it was. It's weird that after all of these years, I'm starting to feel like I have a family again. Well... Not my dad anyway, but whatever. We talked about growing up and some of the stuff that she's interested in - which funny enough is the same kind of stuff I am interested in. We are very similar I think.  

Anyway, yesterday was not a good eating day as I forgot that I had a team lunch - it wasn't a blow-it-out-of-the-water lunch, but it wasn't what it needed to be. I had a hunters chicken - which is a chicken breast topped with BBQ sauce, bacon and cheese, and chips. Luckily, because it was a posh pub that we went to, the portions aren't big. And then for dinner with my sister, I made pesto pasta - brown pasta, pesto, veggies and rocket. Which because I made so much of, I will be eating for the rest of the week. I'm alright with it because I can have a cup full with each meal and it'll only be about 350 cals - SO I just need to be strict that I don't eat too much else other than those two meals. I can do that. 

This morning I weighed and shockingly it was only 64.3kg - if I am good till Saturday and eat nothing other than what I'm supposed to, I'm hoping to get to low 63's. I might need to just up my walking a bit. I can do that too. 

(Just a sidenote as I write this, I am standing at the tube and inexplicably this guy next to me keeps bending over and rubbing his ass against my leg - WHAT THE SHIT, yo!?) 

4 sleeps till Egypt! 😍 (read: 4 sleeps to lose 1.3kg!) 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Sometimes, You're Hermoine Granger

Well you know when a person doesn't post, it means shits going wrong... Or going down. My shit has been going a little wrong - as in bad eating, but have more or less managed to rein it in... Kinda. Yesterday morning I was 63.5kg which was obviously wonderful, but then yesterday I must've had about 3000 cals worth of Mexican food, beer and snacks. It's kinda okay because I spent like all day walking around. So I didn't weigh this morning, but will do tomorrow. 

I'm off to Egypt on Saturday, so I need to sort my shit out. 

Yesterday, I was with the Italian - who is lovely. I mean, he's not smart. He's not stupid either to be fair, but I definitely feel like Hermoine Granger around him. He's just so damn hot. I had originally planned to ghost him, because I was just not feeling it. And in the beginning, it was definitely awkward. I like the way he holds me around my waist and moves me around. He also calls me skinny... And let's be honest ED girls, if someone calls you skinny... Anyway, he might be a lovely season guy - the kind you keep around to snuggle with in winter. 

On Saturday, I went swimming at my pond and my god, I just love it so much. The swimming obviously, but I am now building a weird fascination with the other women that go there. Not in a creepy way, but my body actually looks pretty damn good by comparison. I've definitely got less jiggle than most of them and even though I hate my fat stomach, most of them have a fat stomach. Even my boobs are pretty awesome. It's almost a confidence boost going there - not to say there is anything wrong with those ladies at all, because there isn't and they are all weirdly beautiful in their own uniqueness, but the things that I am so afraid of as far as how I see my own body... Like seeing how "normal" these normal women are makes me just think that I'm actually doing alright and that I don't need to worry about it quite as much as I do. 

Obviously I'm not going to stop trying to be thinner, but maybe I don't need to be AS thin as I thought I needed to be. Also, it made me realise my little sister and I have like exactly the same body shape. Weirdly. Except she's got better legs. 

Anyone been watching the Olympics? Cuz I'm fucking obsessed. It's honestly the best and greatest. I am obsessed with the gymnastics, as I have always been. 

Reference to an earlier point, another reason I didn't blog last week was because I spent my tube time - I.e. When I normally write these things - reading Harry Potter. If you have not read the Cursed Child and you're a Potter fan (SAMMY, I AM TALKING TO YOU!) - read it. I mean, it's super short and I tried to drag it out for as long as possible, but it's SO good. 

Peace & Love from London 

Xo Xo 

Hello, Vagina My Old Friend

I seem to have recovered as far as sleep goes and have had two pretty good nights of sleep, so I'm feeling less like chicken little (I.e. That the sky is falling). Yesterday (and today probably also), I completely ignored my entire team. I feel really unsupported and like they don't give a shit about their jobs or our company. So if they don't give a shit about their jobs, then neither do I. My boss always asks me my opinion about them and what they're doing - I always give a sugar coated answer (I'm no snitch), but NO longer. I am not sugar coating anymore and if they get worked out, then I accept that as a teachable moment. 

My weight is 63.9kg today, I didn't have a 600 day yesterday, more like 1200. I'm gonna try be better today. I have a weekend full of BBQs coming up so will need to manage that. Been hovering in this 63's for ages now. 

Yesterday, I saw a vagina on the tube. A woman was wearing a tight black pencil skirt and was solidly sitting with her legs wide open. Hello, vagina. Maybe she likes people looking at it? 

That brings my junk on the tube total to 4 - penis, penis and balls, penis and now a vagina. For anyone who lives in a big city, I'm sure you've also seen a lot of dick, this is my first snatch though. 

TGIF & Love 

Xo Xo 

Summer Exhaustion

This week has been fucking rough and it's only 60% complete. Lorrrrrrd, give me strength. 

I had this crazy board meeting on Tuesday which basically stressed me back into insomnia and then despite my complete lack of sleep, met with the Italian on Tuesday night for an outdoor movie. (Basically, they put a massive screen up in the park and show an old movie - this one was My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which is the monologue of my law degree.) The Italian and I then had a closing cocktail, by which point I was unable to keep my hands off him any longer. 

So that led to me getting an Uber home at 2am and another night of less than 4 hours sleep. And a mild hangover which led to a bit of excessive chocolate consumption yesterday, my weight this morning was 64.1kg. I'm sure though that some of this is food weight. I will see tomorrow. I'm gonna try for a solid 600 days today. 

Other than the stress at work that is driving me a bit nuts, it's just over a month till New York and two weeks till Egypt. Things are fast approaching. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo 

Is It Possible To Be THIS Grumpy?

Today, I'm just in a horrible mood. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I'm massively stressed out about work - we just aren't hitting milestones that we need to. *stress* 

I also feel like my friends are being a bit shit at the moment, very self-involved and I want them to ask me about my life sometimes. And actually care when I give an answer about something. This whole weekend was talking about other people. I'm meant to do this standup thing on Wednesday, I'm not prepared. I think I'm gonna cancel. 

I went on a date with Ivan, the Italian. And it was strangely perfect. Two problems - he is a Christian (I don't have a problem with Christians or anything, it's just an immense philosophical difference that we have - I.e. I generally only date atheists) and the other is that English isn't his first language (but his English is actually pretty good given that fact) - I am however going to give myself a self-therapy moment and tell myself that no two people are exactly perfect and that it isn't the end of the world if he is slightly different from the picture of a perfect man. 

This is also going to sound maybe a bit shallow, but he is SO hot - his body is honestly perfect. Like Tarzan - long and muscular. It's like... Damn. I'm meant to be seeing him tomorrow and I'm a little excited, I mean he's a super nice, kinda fun, passionate Italian. And he doesn't mind that I'm bossy. 

On Friday morning, my weight was 63.3. And then I had two and a half days of immense eating, so I'm not weighing myself until at least Wednesday. I'm sure I will have gained, but a few good days of restricting should fix that right up. 

I have another three weeks to get down to 62kg. 

Peace & Love 

Xo Xo